Blogging break

I'm taking a break from blogging for now. I find myself starting several entries halfway and somehow not completing them -partly because of terrible connection. Have also been feeling tired more often this week. Hopefully next week will be better. Thanks to those who have been encouraging me to blog. Do continue to have patience with me.

Broken pieces...

"Crash!"
She rushed into the living room. Oreos looked at her, his face looked guilty, his tail drooped. Next to him, her precious vase lay broken. She felt dismayed at the lost of the vase- not because it was costly - but because it was of great sentimental value to her. Though it was not much to look at, it was the only legacy left to her by her grandmother who passed away a long time ago. Heartbroken and still somewhat in shock, unthinkingly, she picked up a piece of the shattered pottery. A sharp pain shot through her hand - blood flowed from where the broken pottery had cut it.

As she looked at the piece in her hand and then at the rest on the floor, an idea came to her, perhaps she could somehow glue back the pieces together. To her, the time and the effort would be worth it - she loved the vase because of she loved her grandmother greatly and it represented what was left of her grandmother's memory.

As she tried putting the pieces together, the broken pieces cut her fingers. Her fingers hurt. Droplets of blood dripped, staining the broken pieces of the vase. Unbiddingly, images came into her mind as she looked at it. Memories of the past washed through her. Her life had been one of brokeness too. Many times, when the past came back to haunt her, she felt her life had been broken just like the fragmented bits before her.

When those who loved her have tried to help her, because of what she was, she hurt those who try to help her - just like when she tried to put together the pieces of the broken vase. Just as she tried to piece the vase together out of love for her grandmother, they tried to fix her together again out of love for the Father and for her.

As she continued in her train of thought, her fingers throbbing, she wondered if she should continue fixing the vase and it if would be worth it - after all, it'll never be the same again. The thought came to her, would those who are helping her in turn stop helping her? Would they continue to love her even though she hurt them? After all, what use was she when she was only a piece of broken clay - never sure if she would ever be whole again....

Disconcerting

It's been a rather disconcerting day - one where I feel that I've been going through the motions and yet feel I'm going nowhere and accomplished nothing... Weird...

Rest

Thank You for this day of rest...
Thank You for dreams...
Thank You for friends and family...
Thank You for providence...
Thank You for music - an expression of the soul...
Thank You for Your love...
Thank You...

My Dream

I've been confronted with my dream again
How I long for its fulfillment
So many years have passed since the dream began
Never completely fading

Each year the question arises, is it time?
When will it happen?

There is a sense of gnawing deep within
A sense of expectation mingled with a little fear
Will the dream ever come true?
Will I be too old when it happens?
Will it meet my expectations?
Will I miss the opportunity?
Will the opportunity even come?

I don't have all the answers
Only He knows
But I yearn
I yearn and hope for the day
Where I will live out my dream
The dream that He has placed in me from long, long ago...

Thought

I feel like the stupidest person on this earth right now...

A letter to my beloved friends

Though it's like 3 am in the morning now - and I can hear cheering from the room where some gung-ho STM people are watching football - and there's picnic, Doulos outing and MBS visitation at 9, I feel a need to blog this entry (in view of what I went through in the past week)...

I think my rough period has passed (hopefully completely *cross fingers*)... Lots of my thoughts have been sorted out and am feeling almost 'myself' again...

THANK YOU
I want to thank God for these people in my life who's especially seen me through this time (hahah - this seems like a credit of some sort, but I've learnt over and over again that there is a lack of affirmation and much criticism.... In view of how terrible the last week was to me, I'm truly grateful for you guys):
Gerrad: Your sms-es and words of comfort have encouraged me and I thank you heaps...
Silvester, Doulos, Jacob and Lucy: for being yourselves around me in this time (whether or not you know what I've been going through), you guys bring joy to me -in my darkest hours, I could smile because of you...
Lee Yng: For your prayers and your concern for me
My family: I think you guys were clueless about what was going on - I just seemed tired all the time to you - but you being my family and being there helped me be where I am today (the ice cream at BR, the family sharing and just being together helped me to regain my perspective) you guys are more important to me than you'll ever know.... Thank you for loving me...

Vanessa: Thanks for your concern and your little hugs.. :)

Victor: Though you were only around for a night, it was good having that short chat with you... Miss you more than I thought I would- value your presence and your advice very much...
My room mate: for our talks, though you prolly will never read this, ironically, my being in the room more often made us closer friends and has been my brightest spot last week... I appreciated our sharing.... You being the room helped me somewhat from going too insane and perhaps crying too much...
Shermie: For not pushing it and giving me much space..
Especially to Dan: For your constant SMS-es which came at the darkest periods (especially when I was alone in my room). For constantly checking up on me - I told you d - it helped a lot knowing that you cared and 'felt' what I was going through...

Thanks guys for being great friends and family to me... I am blessed to have you in my life- to know that despite my darkest hours and moods, you guys still love and accept me... It means a whole lot to me... Love you guys very much...

SORRY
I am so so soooooo SORRY - to the person who I wrote the previous entry about.... If you guessed it right and thought it was you... Am so sorry for hurting you... Please forgive me... There was NO EXCUSE for what I wrote...

Jumbled...

I hate stupid insensitive inconsiderate people. I'll prolly regret saying this but at the moment I am just feeling downright irritated at being robbed of my 'thinking time' by a somewhat insensitive lout. Very uncharitable thoughts are in my mind and feel like cursing(Shocker - I know - It just is an indication of the unstableness fo my mind).. Am already worried that I'll say or do things that hurt people I love in this time - so please understand if I keep a distance from or avoid you...

Just when I was feeling better last nite(was almost my normal self - I think having my family around me helped... and Ice Cream too!), this morning I am assailed by a fresh new case of 'the blues'. Not as bad as the last few days but I'm sure there's melancholy lingering in my eyes... Thought I'd been able to hide it in the past week - but apparently it's been obvious to close friends. Being an open book has its disadvantages... I want to go home and just hide in my bed. *sigh* but I guess I'm going to have to survive today one step at a time again.

I hope this storm blows over soon, if not, I'll need strength from Him. I feel so tired and just want to sleep all the time...

He will carry me

Today has been slightly better...

Have been listening to this song and it speaks to a part deep within..
Am reminded again though I may not 'feel' it at the moment, He will carry me...
I see a glimmer of light...

HE WILL CARRY ME - Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

CHORUS
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

BRIDGE
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

Melancholic thoughts

Warning: Read the following at your own peril - skip it if you want to remain in a cheerful disposition.







Melancholy has become my cloak
One that is not easily shrugged off
Where it first felt awkward
It's beginning to be tolerated

There's a sense of disturbing calmness
A calm before a storm
A painful numbness
Oh for blissful joy -if only for a while
Yet happiness eludes just when you thought you've grasped it

In company, laughter may be heard
Though deep inside the sadness lurks
Hiding behind every smile
Waiting to smother when one is alone

Oh for days that was once full of colour
Now it just seems mostly bleak and gray
Maybe things won't ever be the same
Maybe I need to get used to the gray-ness
And see the colour in it

Are You there?
You seem so far away
I seek You but cannot seem to find You
I call - again and again
There is silence

Just when I feel that I cannot take it anymore
I feel a fleeting comforting touch from You
If only to preserve my sanity

My heart cries and longs for more than that
It feels like a withering leaf
Parched and dry
A haunting thought prevails - do You love me???
I KNOW in my head and through experience that Your love for me is real
But I need to feel Your love to envelope me once again
Instead of this discomfiting forlornness
How will I make it through tomorrow otherwise?
I dread another today

Author's note: Went to theology class today and was reminded by people who are suffering and persecution for their faith in China. In view of this, what is written above may seem shallow.... But it does not make it less real to me..

Lost-ness

I must confess to be rather disturbed by a comment a friend made today. Am strongly reminded again of how my perception of me differs from those around me. It was as if they were talking about someone else- and yet, I wonder if there was any basis for the conclusions as it was apparently agreed by a few people(granted, it was not formed by those close to me but it still rankled). Perhaps I'm letting the remark bother more than it should. But I guess it isn't surprising under the circumstances - don't quite seem to be myself...

There seems to be a sense of uncertainty and just 'lost'ness. I can't quite put my finger on it but it something seems to be just not right. Sadness lurks beneath the surface - not the bleak kind - but just... sadness.... It seems to be easier to shake off during the day but it returns when I'm alone with my thoughts. My own company seems to be unsatisfactory and yet the thought of choosing to be with people in a group is rather disagreeable at the moment... *sigh* Talk about being idiotic...

Well, at least I have something to look forward to tomorrow evening....