Deuteronomy and Ethics - Reflection for Day 2

Today we went through a whole host of interesting topics.. I dun have much time to blog due to lateness of the hour but maybe just to highlight two main points:

1. Election of Israel
Paul (the lecturer, not the apostle) pointed out that the Israel forgot the purpose of their election. God had a greater plan for them.  Why one people group?? Some ppl have the view that when God chooses one group, God rejects the rest (logical conclusion but a fallacy). 
The fact is, God chooses one ppl group for the sake of the rest.
The election of Israel is not a rejection of the other nations – but for the sake of the other nations. 

Similarly, I think it is so easy to lose sight of why we are Christians. It's never for our own sake but for God's greater purpose. So how are we living our redeemed lives? So many of us(including myself) seem to live so selfishly and our self-preservation always seem to be at the top of our list.. 

2. Modern Israel

Despite the fact that Modern Israel consider themselves a secular state, can they still be considered as God's ppl? There seems to be a trend within the Malaysian churches to accept that Israel today is still God's chosen pppl. I wonder also if this is also because ingrained in our churches is a biasness against Muslims and Islam that we die die have to side Israel? On top of that, I wonder too if it's because of our poor/weak understanding when we read the Old testament? 

Deuteronomy and Ethics - Reflection for Day 1

It's been a while since I've done any reflection of any kind in writing... Apologies(to those reading this) if my post is rather incoherent...

Today's is the first day of Deuteronomy and Ethics by Paul Barker.. It's the first time that I'm sitting in his class and though the initial pace was a bit slow for me (but I understand that some ppl in the class might need it to go slower lah), it seemed to pick up speed and to my delight, I had a lot of stuff to chew on as the day went on (sometimes I've been feeling a bit starved for some solid teaching so it was really, really good)...

We covered a wide array of topics from introduction, the themes, the structure of Deuteronomy, OT law and function, Christians and OT law AND deuteronomy 1-3.

I'll just highlight certain things that sticks out for me at this point:

1. Generation conflation (from Style of Deuteronomy session)

As PJEFC is looking forward into addressing the issues of the younger generation, this has really struck me... Are we repeating the mistakes of the older generation in our arrogance in thinking that we are better than our elders and we know best to know how to reach out to other younger ppl in our generation? Are we not in danger of repeating the mistakes that they have made if we do not seek to understand them, if we do not affirm them, if we do not reach out to them - just as we may complain that they do not do these to us? Are we going to throw in the towel if things do not go OUR way? Are we not in danger of being as hypocritical as they seem to be? What happened to denying self? Where is our trust in God? Or are we in danger of doing things only our way?

What God says to the previous generation, he still says to the current generation. Are we listening and obeying?

2. God called the Israelites 'his people' before He gave His law to them (from structure of Deuteronomy session)

I'm reminded again, for all I do and work in the church, there's nothing I can do anymore to earn His love for me (sometimes I can so easily slip back into this old mentality)... He's called me His and though I may make mistakes in following Him, it's really only by His grace that I continue on in my ministry and journey with Him..  I do the things I do out not because I have to do it to earn his favour - but as an expression of my love for Him.. This is such a fine line for me sometimes..

3. Law comes within a framework of established relationship by grace (from OT law functions session - one of my fav)

"Obedience to the law is not about getting into a relationship but an expression of it. Obedience is the ethic of gratitude and thanks to God for the relationship that has been established. "

I think that when I'm not careful, I can get so muddle up about why I obey God's law... I can so easily fall into the trap that I obey the law to keep a relationship with God and not because I want to express my relationship with him in gratitude.. Another fine line for me... 

4. Found out that I hold the maximinalist view (from Christian and OT Law session - another favourite)

It was personally interesting to have more clarity in this area of how Christians today should apply and understand OT law.

Ok.. Enough... As my young ppl whom I'm discipling would say when I'm inspired to 'sermonise' to them.. 'Aiyoh, Brain overload d'.. Enough for today... Tomorrow's another matter. ;)

To keep on going

I've been finding myself feeling rather edgy in the last few weeks.
Perhaps it's been the lack of rest (the Sabbath break seems barely enough to sustain me on a week-to-week basis), perhaps it's due to the inability to further pursue my personal passions at this season of time, perhaps it's having to deal with the constant bombardment of the urgent rather than being able to work on the important, perhaps it's the uneasiness i feel with certain things that I see, perhaps it's the feeling of uncertainty and the fear of failure due to the heavy stakes involved or perhaps it's the built up frustration of dealing with structures rather than relational issues.

Whatever it is, it's been good to have a break today... It's been good to have a good laugh with friends... It's been good to have some time to read through some things for fun rather than for functional purpose... It's been good to have time to think and process my thoughts... It's been good to share a good meal with a couple of friends.. It's been good to talk over some fears with a friend and be reminded of the One my trust is supposed to rest... It's been good just to be able to pray with a friend... It's been good to refocus on the things that are going well - balancing my perspectives - rather than focusing on the concerns all the time...

While it's back to the grind tomorrow, it feels good enough to keep me going on for the coming days - which I'm truly thankful for.. :)

Dear Lord,
Help me to remember that You want me to put my trust in You when things seem to be overwhelming... That You are in the process of molding me.. That things do not have to go smoothly all the time but the bumps are there to teach me to look to You so that I do not go on my own speed... Thank You for all the things that are going well, and in the areas that are not so certain or seems hopeless, help me to believe that You will see me through it though it may not be my in accordance to my way... May Your will be done...

Current Ruminations

Reading week is almost over, marking that more than half of first semester is over for my final year of my studies in STM. I find myself constantly reminding myself to make the most my time here as I will not be coming back next year and will have to move on to the next phase of my life. There will not be as much time for reflection, for reading, etc - though when I leave I will carry with me the values that I've learned here over the last few years.

I do treasure especially the moments that I have with friends - the conversations, the shared meals, the laughter, the praying together and just being together. However, a part of me longs for the end of October when it'll all be over and I find myself just itching to get on with life - even though I keep on telling myself that the time will come soon enough.

Whatever my personal feelings, I do continue to see Him working in my life..
Interestingly enough, the most of the semester seems to be a tying of 'loose ends'.
Sometimes, it feels like a 'test' - more for myself to see how much I've truly learnt. Many things seem to be coming to a full circle at this point of my journey - things that I've grappled with so much in my first year seems to be resurfacing.

Among them is the facing of fears that used to be so bad that it paralysed me. It's not as bad as it used to be. Every semester it gets a tad easier. However, most days, it still takes a lot out of me and I'm still on this journey of just learning to keep on going despite the fears.

The next thing that has hit me hard is the cost of being a disciple of Jesus. Lately, there has been this particular thing that I know He's been asking of me. Some days, I wrestle so hard with it that I feel so tired. Just opening my fist and surrendering is tough....

In addition to all that, interestingly enough, I find myself coming to a full circle to some of the things I was taught in my first year - a reexamination of some of the questions that I've had and answers that was given. I'm finally learning to put into words the things that I used to term 'like squeezing water out of stone'. It still feels that way sometimes but am a whole lot more coherent now than I used to be...

Though there's a lot going on, I'm glad for people who pray alongside me. Though one of the things that I especially miss is my old prayer group, I know that God's watching over me and I see of how He brings people at crucial moments to pray with me - and gently remind me that He's still there. :)

Don't Waste Your Pulpit

I really like this clip - says a lot about ministry of the pulpit... Especially in view of a sermon in my church a couple of weeks ago.

Goodbye House Number Twenty Nine...

"House Number Twenty Nine" - was what we'd affectionately call our house of over twenty years whenever we sat around the table together as a family during the evening and dream of schemes together. Though we never felt it was 'our own' because we could be asked to move at any time, it was the house where my siblings and I grew up in.

I remember the excitement when we first moved in - I was seven years old and mum made it seem fun to clean the house and scrub the floors together. Things had been tough for her and my father and she tells us that God had let us to this house to be a family together. I remember the 'Chee Cheong Fun' man stopping by the corner and playing his little ditty to indicate that he was ready to sell food from his motorcycle. We'd take a break from the scrubbing to enjoy the Chee Cheong Fun he sold - I'd enjoy the fishball especially. :)

It was in this house that I grew up living with my beloved great-grandmother until the day she passed away. Countless others have stayed over at our house through the years as my parents have always opened our home to full time workers, friends and family members. Just as I hope that they've been blessed by our hospitality, I've been blessed and inspired by their presence in our lives as they shared their life stories and broke bread together with my family. Some have remained good friends over the years- even though they were just passing by at that point of time.

There has been many parties - Christmases where we'd gather children around the neighbourhood to go carolling. I remember especially the one where Tim was playing the trumpet and we came up with a little presentation and walked around the neighbourhood. It has usually been a tradition of mum to invite ppl who were alone during Christmas or who had no where to go and we'd celebrate it together with them - with turkey and roast lamb - as well as with a spot of carolling together with all who attended. Many who came would be come back the following year. I also remember celebrating my 16th birthday party and many people came. It was one of the most memorable occasion for me. I think more than 50 ppl came on that day - both friends and family.

I also remember how mum would let us play with candles during mooncake festivals and let us walk around with our favourite lanterns on the verandah. We would also play out in the rain when mum permitted us to and we'd have fun squirting water at one another as well as cleaning the drains or washing our car together. When the rain stopped, we'd dash into the house and shower while mum prepared hot drinks for us and some snacks. We had many dogs (Snoopy, Mozart, Milo, Tom), rabbits, chickens, hamsters, turtles, live prawns, fish, etc...

We'd spend our evenings after dinner playing word games (scrabble, boggle, grabble), board games, as well as poring over maps, reading books or mum would just read to us interesting articles before we headed back to our studies for the evening.

The house has seen both the ups and downs of our family - both our joys and our struggles for more than twenty years. We never expected to stay so long and now it's time to move on. So goodbye house number twenty nine!! You've been a blessing from God to us. :)

Thoughts

It's been quite a week for me so far... So many things have been going on, I've made a few new discoveries and have been finding out ways of how I can help people around me a little more. In the last few weeks, there have seem to be a greater sense of dissatisfaction and frustration. I must admit that I've been complaining more as well...

I've always been a great believer of when God allows you to see a certain situation around you in a way no one else can, it's for one to merely be a spectator but to see how one can be a part of it for the better. If we who see things do not play a part to change things, when things take a turn for the worse, we too should carry the blame.

This week seems to be a week where I've been able to see situations in which I can be of help to those who are in need (especially to those who may not be able to repay it back) and play a small part *hopefully* in changing things for those who I may not have admittedly paid much attention to before.

It's weird, in helping others, I begin to realize how much I'm blessed - there seems to be a greater awareness of it. After all, I can't give what I do not have. So it seems to me that I am discovering that I have more to give than I thought I did....

Chinese New Year 2009

As with every Chinese New Year, there's just so much food!!! The pic above shows our reunion dinner last nite.. This year, my family has gone multicultural and my dad has invited his Indian friends as well as his Orang Asli friends to join my family in our new year celebration.

Since this morning, there has been a steady stream of visitors to our house - lots of OA children as well as ppl from the villages that my dad has invited to join us in our Chinese New Year celebrations. So our place has had an interesting assortment of ppl. As Chinese New Year is a time for family to be together, I've been strongly reminded this Chinese New Year through my dad's generosity that our family in Christ goes way beyond skin colour, geographical and socio-economic boundaries. Those that have come through our doors have remarked that they have been blessed by the never-ending flow of food, the angpows and the hospitality. I suppose I have still a lot more to learn from my parents on this. (My sis was rather disappointed to not be receiving more angpows because the ppl who came were not Chinese). *grin.

For me personally, it's been a good time but also tiring. I'm already feeling like my beloved puppy, Toby, below - all wiped out..

An encounter

I met her at College Uni Group last Friday. I suppose it was one of those things that some pastors would call as a 'divine encounter'. Things were moving as usual. Class finished later than previous semesters, arranged for transport back to PJ. Then I had to rush to get to church earlier cos I had to lead BS and I totally forgot to bring the materials back to seminary two weeks ago.

When I got to church, amazingly, the issue I had to address had to do with my ecclesiology class earlier that day but admittedly I still felt totally inadequate to handle the issue if anything more complicated came up (plus my supervisor was still at Gopeng and hence having to lead the Bible Study). When I met her, my mind was still in the Bible Study and at the same time recognising that I'd done my best in the circumstances and just had to commit the rest of my anxieties of inadequacy to God.

When we gathered together for the wrap up after the BS discussion, she spoke up about how she felt that she has so many questions but no one could answer her. She looked so lost and my heart just went out to her. Later on, I found out that she has gone through a church split and she was wounded - still is. She shared that answers given until then just seemed futile and unsatisfactory. She hated the usual pat answers - don't think so much, pray more. As if faith and thinking are two separate things. She was glad that my college group and I could help her to find the answers (I had challenge my young ppl to answer her questions as a lesson for them too).

I don't know if I'll ever see her again as she'll have to leave for overseas soon. But just for a little while, she reminded my young ppl and I of the importance of the church in helping people like her, in helping one another in our spiritual journeys and through the questions that we have deep within. She reminded me again of the importance of me being in seminary for my final year, to continue in my learning and to not take it for granted despite the struggles. In that short encounter, she has touched my life and I hope that I have hers - for I heard Him speak to me once again through her.

I'm so amazed by You. Thank You for just these moments where You have been speaking -for Your assurance and Your Presence. I see how You've been working in me and through me and I just can't help but be in awe of You - my God, my Lord and my Master. Your will be done.

Reflection for two months practical in home church

I've been ruminating on what to write as the New Year starts. The previous song, Evermore, came to mind as I think of God's goodness to me and how He has been working in my life the last two months in powerful and exciting ways. The things that He has placed in my heart at the end of October has come to a closure of sorts totally unexpectedly over the last few days and in what seemed to me as an impossibly short time. He has reminded me again and again in the last few days - that He does makes what seems impossible possible.

For Him to answer so many prayers in a short time - for a breakthrough for young adult ministry, for help to be found for a close and dear friend, for the Christmas production, that I'd be an encouragement to people I am ministering to, breakthrough in relationships with colleagues, to be a blessing to the people I come into contact with in the two short months I have back in church - He has answered it all and more despite the barriers and struggles. There is still the desire for a greater breakthrough in my Worship Ministry in the church - but I guess He is teaching me to be a whole lot more patient.

As expected, it has been a tiring journey for me when I wrote this post a few months ago. I am amazed my health did not take a turn for the worse (just that my ongoing cough has been fluctuating) - I remember the days where I pushed myself so hard that I had to be comatose for a few days. For all who have been journeying with me in the last two months, I thank you for your continual support and prayers - for listening to my rantings, for correcting my errors, for just letting know that I'm not alone in my rather tough journey. I write this post to share with you my joy and victories of the last two months too.

God does answer prayers in impossible situations. He is indeed our God - His faithfulness and mercy reaches to the skies. May we proclaim Him with our lives evermore. :)

Reflections for 2008

It's the last day of the year. If I've learned anything in the past two months, it's the importance(as well the necessity and the treasure) of just taking some time out just to pause.... and reflect... In our staff devotions earlier yesterday morning, our senior pastor asked us to share how the year has been for us. One of my colleagues and child hood friend (Leon) commented, it's hard to share when we haven't had the time to reflect. How true.

The craziness of Christmas is over and the following days after that has been about just being. Something that I find myself scarcely having time for in the busy-ness of doing. Went back to the office yesterday morning, and though it's been a little less hectic, it's still been busy - mainly helping one of my pastors with some logistical stuff for the upcoming Step Up programme and preparing for watchnight service later on tonite. Was wondering if I should share a testimony this year - but then I thought about it again and I haven't had the time to prepare for it and the slots for sharing have all been taken up. So I thought to do it here.

This past year not been an easy one for me. I can't exactly say that it's been the hardest one -I know I've had worse - but it definitely has not been a walk in the park. At the beginning of the year, I found myself being so immersed in another culture that I experienced re-entry shock for the first few months. I never expected it I suppose - but I missed the language and the people that I've come to love very much. I still do, though it is easier now than when I first came back. I guess it's hard especially when it's like finding a missing piece that fits into a part of you that you've never realised that's not there only to have to let it go again - and find that you now miss it very much(and not sure if you'll find again someday).

I guess that did not make things easier for the other areas of my life as well - it's been one of those times when I knew that God wanted me to work on areas deep within. In some ways, it helped to have a single room - the 'emo' times alone was a necessary part of the process. It is said somewhere that one's worst enemy is oneself. Confronting myself has definitely been much much harder than confronting an enemy and tiring. Many days, I felt like I lost the battle - only He who is faithful kept me going in spite. I'm conscious that I'm still a-work-in-progress. Nevertheless, looking back, I can see that I've come a long way. I've changed in ways that I didn't expect - but I think they are mostly good.

One of the hardest thing for me this year was perhaps a broken friendship. I will not write much here but it's taught me a lot - especially about how hard and long the path to forgiveness is., and that it is possible no matter how impossible it seemed at the beginning. It also led to some regrets about pushing some people away in the midst of pain - something that I hope I've learnt for the better for the future.

2008 has not been all bad. Some of my friendships have become deeper and I've grown a lot because of it. I'm thankful for the friends (and family) who have surrounded me and kept on persevering with me on those days that I lose my internal battles and get really really down. I'm also greatful for unexpected new friends who've enriched my life. I thank God for friends who make me laugh when everything is gray. I've learnt of the fragility of such friendships and the preciousness of it.

I've learnt to love a little bit better. And I'm still learning....

Growing does not mean being on an emotional high - most days have been more lows than highs this year. Some days, it's been.... blank-ish... Yet, in the last two months that I've been back, I've sense how much He has worked in me and changed me- strengthening my areas of weakness. I've learnt to deal with some of my fears and pain. I still have some but it paralyses me less than before. These last two months of working in church and giving has shown me how much I've grown and have changed in my worldview.

In a nutshell, though 2008 has not been a walk in a park, it HAS been another year of growth. I'm thankful for the many key people who has been such a blessing to me - Pr Choon Meow, Hera, Sue Ann, Kar Yong, my prayer group girlfriends (Lan Yin, Lucy, Lee Yng, Chin Ying, Liza), Vic Cern, Andrew, Uncle David, Mr Allen, Perng Shyang, Shern Ren and my family.

For the coming year, I'll have several big stones to move - thesis, moving house, finishing up seminary... I guess my main hope and expectation is to end well and to live life to the fullest in the way that He wants me to.

Thank You for both the joy and the pain. Thank You for walking with me through my friends and family. Thank You for the lessons learnt. Thank You for just being You - not fitting into my mould and expectations of You but showing me how much greater You are than my thoughts of You. Thank You for mercy and thank You for Your grace upon my life. Thank You for redeeming me.

A Time To Be with Friends

After spending the last few weeks of working in church trying to get as many things done before I head back to seminary - and where meeting up with people meant giving more of yourself(which is not a bad thing), it was a real treat to just meet up with my close friends from seminary - Andrew, Vic Cern and LKY - for a good meal, coffee and ice cream(my favourite kind too) over the weekend!

It just came at the right time too as I find myself entering into the busiest time of my two months back in the church office. For last week and this week, lunch and dinner breaks means grabbing something quick and working at the same time OR meeting up with people for ministry purposes; work starts at 9am and ends at 10.30ish (and it's a mostly going from one thing to another) - this week it's an everyday thing. So, to be able to just sit and chill with friends - to just really chill with friends was very very nice. I also realised how much I've missed the teh tarik sessions with them and how it's so very refreshing for the soul. :)

Though we forgot to take it pictures, I don't think I'll need it. It was a memorable time for me..

Can't Wait to Get Home

It's official! We'll be moving to our new house some time before the second quarter next year(we hope!!!) and I just can't wait to move! After feeling as if I've been living for most of my life like a pilgrim, always feeling that we would be moving any time, my family will finally be moving to our own house. I wonder if this longing I feel to be in our new place where we can finally call a home of our own here on earth mirrors this longing to be with The Father one day where I'll be truly home one day.

Special People - Mum

Author's note: This post has been pending for quite a while. I began the series in October(read here and here) and it has been on hold. There is so much to write, so much to say. I'll probably miss out a lot in this post. However, as today is her special day as well, this post is dedicated to one of the most special people on the earth to me.

To My Dearest Mother,

Happy Birthday to you!!! Despite age has added another year to you today, I will always love you. You are one of the most amazing person I've ever known. Your zest for life and passion for God has always inspired me. You are one of the most creative and wisest person I've ever met and I wish that I could be more like you sometimes.

Life has not always been easy and had at times been filled with uncertainties, fears and heartache. Yet, your faith in God in those times has been an example to me. When things get hard, you've taught me how to hold on to Him who is unshakeable.

From you my love for music began. Remember the evenings where you'd sit at the piano and just worship God? I was a little girl and would just sit next to you as you sang . I loved the times where I sang along with you. Today, as I sit at the piano on Sundays or lead worship, it's because you have sown in my life so many years ago. As is your desire when you made me finish my grade 8 piano, despite our many arguments, you have passed on to me your of love of music to me and I thank you for this legacy from you. This gift has become such an essential part of me.

You have a knack of making the most mundane things fun - the word 'boring' was never in your vocabulary. Rainy days will always have a special memory for me. Studies were brought to life as you pointed out how they applied to life. You made education seem fun and until today, my college students who used to be your Sunday school kids still tell me how they remember the Sunday school lessons taught by you. Holidays were never boring in our house as games were played together - games that were fun and yet had many lessons for us. Where many of my peers were into tv and computer games, you've taught us that there was more to life than that.

You've also taught us that it's ok to be different - that following the crowd was not always the right thing to do. And though sometimes it's hard to go against the tide, it's more important to do what's right in the eyes of God and to follow Him wholeheartedly. The boundaries and principles you've placed in my life has become my guide and wisdom.

In the time I disappointed you, you still showed me how much you loved me still and never let me go. That lesson still resounds in me as you embodied to me how God never lets me go and still love me despite my failures. You literally dragged me from my path of self destruction and brought me to the path of restoration. I understood then the kind of love that would go to hell and back for someone that they loved.

Sometimes, you have been my conscience. You have taught me to sacrifice and help those who are in need. You constantly remind me to look beyond myself and to recognise the signs of how God works - and I'm still learning.

I'm so blessed to be able to call you 'mum' and I thank Him for the gift you. :)

With Love,
Your beloved daughter.

Special People - Thaima

You've been gone for a long while now. It's been 16 years. Yet, your life has had a profound impact on mine in so many ways. And so this very first post in the series is dedicated to you.

My siblings and I used to call you 'Thaima' (Hokkien for great grandmother).
You were never the kind of person who'd stand out in a crowd or draw attention to yourself. I remember you always doing things quietly and faithfully. Also, no matter how life was tough on you, you never became bitter - even to those who have treated you like dirt or to those who’ve wronged you. And from the stories you told me of your childhood and your life, you would have had plenty or reasons to be - living in poverty, then sold by your parents when you were young to a rich man who later became your husband so that you could bear his barren first wife some children. Life was harsh and even unfair to you in so many ways. Yet, you’ve never grumbled, never complained, never uttered a single bad thing about them.

At the same time, I remember that you were always thankful for even the smallest things. You'd take more than 10 mins to thank God for your small fillet-o-fish burger. ‘Kam siah chu’ (Thank You Jesus) would never be far from your lips and I remember hearing them every day.

I also remember you sitting at my bedside every night to pray over my sister and I while we were sleeping. Sometimes I'd wake up and peek at you as you prayed. You’d sit by the edge of the bed and mumble words continuously for a long time in the dark. When I grew older, I remember asking you what you’d pray for us. You said that you’d pray that we'd grow strong in God, that we'd do well in our studies and in our future. Many years after you’d gone, at different points of my life, I’d look back and wonder if God is still answering your prayers for me. I wonder if you’d ever envision that I’d be a full time worker one day – and if you’d be proud of me if you knew.

Your simple faith in God has also always been a challenge to me. God always seem to answer your prayers no matter how small they were. I recollect of the time when I lost my watch or keys for the umpteenth time and I knew I’d be in big trouble if I couldn’t find them and I enlisted your help. Though you scolded me, you prayed that you’d find it. You did so in a matter of minutes while it took me more than a futile hour (which prompted me to desperately turn to you for help).

I remember wishing that you’d be around until I was 30 (which meant that you’d be a hundred years old) so the day you went home was one of the saddest of my life – though I knew you’d gone home to be with God. I remember looking out of the window of the hospital that morning you and wondered why the sky was so clear and beautiful when my world had turned gray.

It’s been 16 years now and there are days when I’d remember you and still miss you. I still want to be like you in so many ways – your simple faith, your thankfulness and your constancy in prayers. As your great-granddaughter, your legacy of faith to me is very much treasured.

Thank You for her.

Special People - an introduction

Today's exactly one month away to another milestone in my life. It's not one of those significantly significant milestones. Nevertheless, it's one that cannot be ignored. At the same time, for the last year or so, I've been contemplating writing a special series on people who've had tremendous impact on my life thus far. In view of my upcoming milestone, I have thus come to a conclusion that this month would be an appropriate time to write the series. My only reservation in writing it is if I'd be able to see it through (after all, it's also assignment and exams time). I've decided to give it a go,regardless, for several reasons.

I write this as a tribute to them. For some, their stories may never be heard otherwise. What I am going to write may not do complete justice to them. It can only be but just a captured picture in their journey of life. Yet, if not for them, I'll not be who I am today - I'd definitely be a worse version of me. Writing this will be a way of expressing my appreciation for them as my milestone approaches.

At the same time, I write this as a reflection on my own spiritual journey. This year has been another year where God has been dealing with me - specifically in the inward parts of me and as a result, my worldview is continually being modified. It's something that I'm still struggling with and am working out as I adjust to my new bearings. In writing this at this time, I remind myself of where I have come from and how far I've journeyed. I also remind myself that if choose to stop learning, to stop moving forward, it's not only bad for me but also bring dishonour to some of these people that I will write about.

Finally, I write this as a way to honour God. It's to acknowledge that in it and behind it all, He the creator, is the one who weaves the stories of their lives and mine.

Therefore, for them, for myself and for God, the the series on 'Special People' shall be written...

To be free again...

You know, there has been days when I never thought I'd feel this way again. This genuine sense of lightness within. This sense of deep joy - that have seemed to be lost for a while now, that it seems a bit alien and that I can hardly believe that it is real. I just feel like weeping. The pessimistic voice within says that it won't last for too long. But for now, for this moment, I feel liberated. The darkness that has been my companion deep within in the last few months seem to have disappeared.

The chains that have bound a part of me seems to be broken. Yet, a part of me feels afraid. Afraid that the chains will be back and afraid of what this liberation might mean - the implications that it will bring. After all, the darkness have become familiar - a place to hide my fears behind.

Yet, I hear His gentle voice calling to me. It is time to come out to the light again. To embrace again all that He has prepared for me. To put my fears behind and to revel in the day. To let go of the pain and to grasp onto the hand that He stretches out to me. To believe again. To love and to hold on to what is different within because He has made it so because to let it go or to destroy it would mean a greater loss.

A reflection on 1st Semester 2008

Will be back in STM for the 2nd semester in a couple of days.. And I figure that I better get myself geared up for the coming semester. Perhaps part of that process would be writing this reflection..

I remember on the last day of the semester my principal gave his closing day sharing. As part of that sharing he spoke about how students should manage their time better. I remember as I sat there in the chapel, I was examining my life, wished that my assignments were completed earlier(as is my wish every semester) and had more time to study my Hebrew, I had no regrets.

For me personally, studying in seminary should result in a greater growth than just academically (one of my worship deacon calls it 'growing cerebrally'). Though I do enjoy most of the subjects that I've been studying and have learnt a lot from them, studying in seminary is about growing in other areas of life too as one prepares to go into ministry or even the marketplace.

Each semester has taught me different life lessons - learning the importance of rest, learning to be the more relational, the importance of walking the talk and learning to trust in God more. This last semester seems to be about letting God be the surgeon on my spiritual life - the importance of cleaning out the junk within. I supposed that this was brought out even more after my trip - the urgency on letting God just deal with stuff deep inside in the here and now so that I may ready myself for what He has called me to do in the future. So while I attended classes such as counselling, pastoral leadership, theology, Hebrew, thesis methodology and Mark; God was working on me on another level.

Looking back, my circle of friends became smaller. I suppose that a part of me just needed more time alone and only let a few people in. I suppose that it was just God's timing too that I had a single room. It would've been harder otherwise. Of course I wished that I could be my usual self - being able to cope with studies, Exco, church work and friendships a bit more effortlessly. With where I was, there was just no way I could do it. Doing things just seem to take a whole lot of strength that I just couldn't find in me. I remember that early in the semester when I tried starting on a few of my assignment, I was just paralyzed and almost freaked out. It took a while before I could start on that assignment and others. I was just thankful for one of my close friends who reassures me that I did my best whenever I get into one of my self-recriminating moods. I have no regrets.

As I write this, I am reminded why I am not ready to go back - I'm hoping not to have to go through all of it again. The operation's not over... There's still things to work out(and perhaps there will be throughout the rest of my studies). I hope that in the break these last few weeks, I'm a little bit more healed, a little bit more strong, a little bit more whole, a little more wiser. Going back will test that.

Naturally, I wish for the coming semester that things will be better- I'll finish my assignments earlier, exercise more, do better for my studies, cope with everything with a little more aplomb - and I may hope that things will go as planned. However, am learning that God allows curveballs to happen and plans may come to naught. In the end, it's about learning to hang on in spite of the unexpected, trusting that He knows what He's doing. I may not know fully what the future holds, what ministries or the difficulties that lies ahead. He does and I have to remind myself that He is preparing me for it.

Important rather than the urgent

For these two weeks (until next Thursday evening at least), the world has to come to a standstill as I immerse myself in the world of assignments and exam preparations (not forgetting the usual weekend practical which I wish I could forgo for once. However, it can only be a wish as I have the responsibility of caring for the College Uni group in the absence of my supervisor as well as worship leading this Sunday).

I've just *finally* finished my thesis proposal early this morning and am now planning to throw myself at full speed into the 'cost of discipleship' in Mark and 'Trinitarian views of the east and west' till the end of the of this week. At the end of all that I'll have to simultaneously study for Hebrew, Pastoral Leadership and Mark exams. Not to mention the stack of reflections I have to do for Pastoral Counselling. I am strongly reminded at times like these how idiotical I can be when it comes to procrastination sometimes - and how I seem to "like" living on the edge. On hindsight, while I could have gotten *some* of it done earlier, I suppose that other things would not have permitted it otherwise as so many urgent things have unexpectedly cropped up in the last couple of weeks. *sigh*

In the midst of all these challenges, I find myself very tempted to let my quiet time slide - if not for the voice of one of the lecturers in my head about 'the essentialness of quiet time especially during these time for a bible school student.' Though she gently chided us about this a couple of semesters back, her voice seems to strongly resonate in my head during the times when I am about to reach for my pile of work instead of reaching for my bible. It's in this time that I learn again to practice the important rather than just the urgent. Needless to say, for now, blogging may be at a standstill until the assignments are over.

On CUG

My friends at College Uni Group never fail to amaze me. Every Friday, as I go and help them out, it seems that there is much for me to learn from them as well.

Last Friday, we had a bible study discussion on James 2 - about how 'Actions speak louder than words'. It was also to encourage them not to show favouritism and to look beyond themselves and their cliques - and welcoming especially those on the fringes of the group and newcomers. They had a lively discussion and I was asked to summarise the bible study session. Their honesty and their openess amazed me. Though it had always been unspoken, they shared about their fears and their struggles to look beyond themselves - some profess that they don't feel like belonging, some confessed that they just have not done what they knew they were supposed to do, others shared that they feared that they will be stuck with the responsibility and do not know what to do with the person after a while. What really moved me even more was they were willing to TRY to change together. Like I told them, I think they're an amazing bunch of people. I feel privileged to be able to serve them no matter how tired I am.

I look forward to see what they are going to be up to tonite...