Random Thoughts

• Hope I finish my Christian Spirituality work by tonite
• Was good talking to Liz today - I think we were on the line for quite a long time. Am glad that she found a new job.
• Am sleepy
• Weather is very warm - hope it gets cooler soon
• Looking forward to ice cream outing with a friend tomorrow
• Had a good reminder today to be check my thoughts - that my learning more does not make me holier. I still have to live it out.
• Emilia looked beautiful at her wedding on Sunday. Was really happy for her.. It was great to see her get married to Larry. I think that the SIB ppl did a great job with her wedding.
• Apparently baptism turned out quite interesting last Sunday. Am so glad Li Chun's decided to get baptised. :)
• Sad to hear that Uncle Lee passed away. Will miss his presence on Sunday mornings - I remember fondly that he's usually at church with his wife at our Sunday morning sound check.
• Sadder still to hear Daniel Wong from Tung Ling passed away. But am glad that He managed to find God again before He went back to be with Him. Will always remember his enthusiasm to read more books, his generosity to us and his fervour to know God more and to stand up for justice.
• Howard Marshall came today and I couldn't understand half of what he was saying.. Realise I have a long way to go - if I ever get there...
• Need to get back to do my reflection instead of blogging now or I'll never finish
• Was good to see uncle Mark and uncle Selvendran today at the talk... Hmm - it was also surprising to see uncle Peter Sam too.

Thank You God through everything, You are working in my life.

To....

When will you ever forgive me?
When will what I do be enough for you?
When will me being me be enough for you?
My flaws seem to be bigger than my efforts to make it up to you
When will restitution end and forgiveness start?

I've moved on...
Don't you understand?
I had to - I was dying so slowly
And nobody seem to know - not even you
Nobody except her - but she's now taken your side because you hurt
And yet I hope you will never understand that
I would never wish it on you

But it hurts so much to see you hurting
It hurts to know that I caused it
It hurts to know that I cannot do anything about it
Don't you know that I cannot take the first step anymore?
I've gone as far as I can and there are no more steps left to take

I yearn to see you move on
I yearn to see you let go just so that you can grow
I'd turn the clock back to undo things if I could
But reality does not permit

You say that action speaks louder than words
When will you understand that I had to do what I did at the time - as wrong as it was
To me, I had no other choice
When will you ever understand WHY I did what I did
Though we went through a lot together
He has made us to be so different
Maybe you will never understand
And maybe I have to learn to accept that

You say that my friends are more important to me than you
Don't you understand that I'd bear the pain for you?
You don't know how much I love you - how vulnerable I am to you
I hide it because I learnt a long time ago
That hurting me comes easily to you
Especially when you hurt
You always knew the right buttons to push
And never seem to hesitate to push it
Nevertheless, because of who you are
I love you very much

I hope you will never understand
What it means to dread the coming of each day as I did
The feeling of fear to face up to the ugliness in me
The feeling of dread to face the despair and hopelessness that the rising of the sun brings with it
And that I now am only be able to get up each day because of His mercy and grace
And that though I am healed and am still being healed
I carry the scars -so many of them
I face them almost every day

When will you stop blaming Him for putting you where you are
For the hurts I've caused you? For the hurts he has caused you?
It hurts me to see that when you do, you play into the enemies hands
The fact that I played a part in it hurts so much more than you will ever know

I pray that you will learn to see the silver lining in the cloud
That our God loves you and and is waiting to restore you
Just as he did me with me - unworthy sinner as I am
That He has blessed you more than you realise
And that He loves you more than you will ever know
That His plans are perfect for you
No matter what you have to bear along the way
Because He was and is always there to see you through them
Though you don't see or feel Him there

Soul searching

It's been a soul searching week... Circumstances (more like people) has made me look at my past. It has helped me to understand me - why I am who I am today. At the same time, am challenged to look at the flaws in my life and to challenge my viewpoint. It gets painful at times - but it's a necessary pain..
I have not done this(looking at the past) in a very long time and realised that perhaps I was not ready earlier.. I realised that He has indeed brought me to a point of healing - I would've avoided and ignored this a year ago...

Still I thank God for bringing people into my life to continue to mould and sharpen me.. Especially three people who has been a great source of blessing in their own ways - in ways that I least expected and from the most unexpected place.. God's just using them to teach me about my perspective of people and myself and how wrong I can be sometimes in my preconceived ideas.
Am reminded that bit by bit, God is answering the prayer I wrote in my song last year.. Which is my prayer for this year..

Teach me to worship You the way You want me to
Teach me to love You Lord with all of my heart
Teach me to live for You in all that You do
And to offer up my life as a living sacrifice

May my life as an incense rise to You
Pleasing You as a fragrant perfume

There is still so much to learn from Him - and perhaps the learning will never end.. Nevertheless, I pray for humble and contrite heart - and a heart that continues to be teachable no matter how painful and hard the lesson may be..

It's a time of learning, unlearning and relearning...
To let go and trust Him more...
To learn to move on - knowing that there are others who are travelling on the same path and to share in the pain and discovering joys together..
To change in areas that need change..
To welcome challenges and embrace them even...


My prayer probably is best described in Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Bring it On"

I didn't come lookin for trouble
And I dont want to fight needlessly
But Im not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me

I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell somethings coming down
But if its gonna make me grow stronger then

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash
Let the thunder roll
Let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come
Let the hard rain fall
Let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, maybe youre thinking I'm crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
Cause I know I've got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Bring it on

Now, I dont want to sound like some hero
Cause its God alone that my hope is in
But I'm not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

Living in two worlds

Am tired... am supposed to be asleep now... but there's heaps of work... and people to talk too..
Feel very strongly that I live in two worlds nowadays- the world of STM and the world out there(my church and my home)...
I really love the people here and am just so blessed by the fellowship of the community here and enjoy my studies (though assignments are really stressful things to me)...
At the same time, when I check my mails, my church reminds me that life goes on... I chat on the phone with my close friends and I miss them and my family heaps...

Maybe I'm just rambling cos of my tired mind.... It's been a looonnnggg week... Am glad for the break this weekend.. :)

Personality Test

Someone convinced me that I should do this test - I actually did it before but I forgot my profile and decided to do it again... Quite interesting insight of myself(at least - it is to me)..

EFNJ - Keirsey

ENFJ profile

Transitioning

Phew... Had my first Greek test today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would go. I think my lecturer's pretty satisfied with my work. I had to do a reflection paper on a controversial article on Christmas that came out on times magazine a couple of years ago called "Behind the First Noel". It was a bit tough getting into the mode of writing an essay. It took a lot of starts only to get stuck... Managed to finish the paper to my satisfaction five minutes before the class started (and decided to skip dinner along the way). Thank God for my friends who go to mamak or else I'd still be hungry now. :)
Another interesting highlight of the day - today's the third time I've attended the Anglican services. I have attended three out of four of their meetings and that apparently is an anomaly for a non-Anglican. They invited me to join them for their after service gathering - having some snacks that they brought from home. It was great to have potato salad! :) That aside, it was just great to hang out with them and just hearing some of the issues and challenges the Anglicans are facing right now - everyone around me was just joking that I've officially been adopted into their Anglican fold - since I now knew their problems too. It was pretty funny. Think that they are a bunch of great people (not just because they shared food with me). Am constantly amazed and touched by their dedication for God despite all the difficulties that come with their denomination.

Dear God,
Thank You for Your faithfulness and Your goodness. Am constantly in awe of You. Especially in lecture today where I am reminded that You are truly my great father in heaven and that You discipline those You love and that if I love You, I should be obedient to You.

Transitions

It feels like ages since I've last blogged - probably because it's true... The last two weeks have just been rather hectic. I feel like everything's been let loose and it just get overwhelming at times.
Chinese New Year was a great break - it was good just to spend time with family on top of the eating and resting... Decided to study(I actually brought up most of my work up with me and managed to glean through some of them). When I came back to STM last week, just got this horrendous feeling of being overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to be done - and I blame this on the time that I took to actually do my schedule, count the amount of work that I needed to read and sorta realised that it was just going to be really really tough to finish all my readings on time AND do my assignments at the same time.
The weekend was just a non-stop series of meetings and was just really exhausted(and glad!) to get back to STM yesterday evening at an earlier time than I expected to.
Woke up with a pounding headache and puffy eyes. By the grace of God, am just feeling much better than when I woke up!!! Have my first Greek test that I think I'm prepared for but have to complete two reflection papers(one of which is quite challenging and controversial, the other is just a 'huh??' kind of paper).

Dear God,
I need you and your grace to see me through the week and the rest of the semester. Juggling between work and study is just going to be really hard and there are times when I've just reached my limits. Help me to trust in You to see me through. Thanks for friends who just supports me and loosen me up when I get too stressed out. I see You working through them.