Calm within and without

Am much better today... Am really touched by the care and concern shown by the different individuals in the STM community - Lucy gave me some pills and some hand massages; Lee Yng helped me to get notes (and Jacob too) and food along with my room mate; Oliver with much needed Milo to calm my churning stomach, and later went out with Daniel and Sherman to get me some chocolate; Victor and Gerrad for driving me out the night before to get bandage for my foot; Jacob also took me out for some soup along with Guna and Eisu; SMS of concern by different ppl - Oliver especially, Daniel, Jacob, Antho; John Yii's offer to take me to the clinic next time :) ; Charles and Jacob's attempt to get me to sleep early last nite; this morning Victor took me out for some much needed breakfast - just couldn't wake up earlier - and had great conversation with him over breakfast... Feel really loved.. :)

Also sorted out an issue that was plaguing me last nite. I'm glad it's been resolved - and there's now calm within.. I learnt a lot from it and again - I'm thank God for really great friends who loves and cares and at the same time, reflect God's love for me.

Ps: My sis brought home Baskin Robbins and there was midnite expresso (though the store ran out of cookies and cream) so it was the 'icing on the cake'. Yippee!

Expiring

Head - dizzy and woozy
Eyes - slightly dilated due to pain
Hands - shaky
Stomach - churning (and feel like throwing up whatever that's inside)
Back -aching like crazy
Legs - wobbly

Feel like I'm dying

Blessed Be Your Name

Just a couple of excerpts from my favourite song comes to mind..

"And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name"

"And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"

Used to wonder if I could say that when the time came.. It's hard - but am learning it..

It's been a tough day - not study wise, but in other ways..
Christian spirituality class was excellent - spending that 15 mins in the garden with God was just very enriching...

Had a splitting headache in the afternoon (the kind that you feel that you just wish someone would take a hammer and split your head open) and am still feeling the residues of it..
Had to miss my favourite class(Cross Cultural Missions) in the end - but I just couldn't get out of bed... :(

Am glad that I have good friends that are supporting me with prayers.. It's good to have people to share burdens with..

Short entry

Have nothing much to say today - except am in a turmoil over something and find myself needing to go to God for comfort and peace of mind.

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

© 2005 New Spring, a div. of Zomba Enterprises, Inc.

Tiredness...

There has been times many times when I've wondered if certain kinds of friendships are worth it - especially when one gets hurt and bleed so badly inside... I wonder again today...
As someone told me, maybe I'm just too naive... Or maybe it's that I'm too trusting - but isn't trust part of being a friend?? I think I'm just stupid - I just don't know... Am so tired of hurting..

This song ministers to me at this time..

Faithful One

Faithful One, so unchanging
Ageless One, You're my rock of peace
Lord of all, I depend on You

Bridge:
I call out to You
Again and again
I call out to You
Again and again

Chorus:
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up
When I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone

LLoooooooonnnnnnnnggggg day

Am feeling so tired - can't believe it's only 10.30pm... My brain's telling me that it's 2am or something for the last hour... It's been a long day - first with church service.. Can't believe how cheeky uncle Kam Weng was!! Targeting us like that.. Good thing he disappeared early - or else he'd have a whole Cross Gen mob going after him - especially those of us that were single and who were being kena'd by the uncles and aunties in church... :P

After service, had to do a bit of conflict resolution.. I hope that it works out -for the guy's sake..

After that, I had lunch with some of my Cross Gen's friends... It was great to hang out and catch up with them again - always have limited time to do so as I have to divide the time between worship ministry, family and Cross Gen (cross gen having to lose out at the moment).. So, to many of them, I've practically disappeared since I came to STM... :( Hope that something will work out there soon...

After that, we had AGM - it was super super long... then after that, had dinner with my family and then mum dropped me in Cheras and came back from there.. Am seriously zonked out at the moment... Better go get some sleep ..


Ps: I must say something about last nite's dinner - mum pulled out all the stops - hash browns, lamb chops, fried egg, bacon sausages, salad, tomatoes and onions! It was absolutely yummy!!
Also, must add this too - Oliver gave me a beautiful card... I really loved it. :)

Happy Birthday Liz!!!!

Hey Liz!! Just want to wish a very Happy Birthday!! Thank you for being a great friend to me... My life has been enriched by knowing you... I'll never forget the first time we met - remember that we were looking for our tute class in the ECR and we found out that we were in the same class??? All the times we were in the labs stressing out with our programming? Remember all the wacky times we had when Joseph was after you?? *hehe*

Also the times with Eric and Francis... all the laughter that we shared... I'll always remember your fondness for sandwiches and mandarin oranges for lunch and.. Red Roosters - you and your seasoned fries(I still cannot get over that!).. You always were/are a great listener... Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulders when I really needed one..

It just seems like yesterday when I left Melbourne - and yet - the years have flown by.. I miss you lots and treasure the phone calls - we'll keep on working on it this year ya - especially now that there's Skype.. :)

You are truly beautiful person both inside and out.. I wish you all the best for this year - for your new job and your relationship with Chris.. I pray too that you will continue to grow and mature in our Lord... Take care of yourself and don't stress out too much... Love you heaps girl!

Unexpected turns

Sometimes life throws you unexpected turns... I expected to be in Gopeng or Cameron Highlands this weekend. In the end that was cancelled... Ended up expecting to go from Seremban straight to church - that didn't quite work out the way I thought it would either..
I ended up going to Cheras for breakfast and Sentul(unexpectedly - I had a call while breakfast if I'd like to go there) before getting to church.. The timing was just 'kairos' - I just envision not being able to go if it was any other weekend... In this case, I cleared up most of my work last week and was not expected to be in church anyways- so it was easier for me to go...

It was absolutely fantastic to see Ps Elisha again... SA was invited to attend the conference on "Ministering to the poor" - a topic that is very close to Ps Elisha's heart. The speaker (who was from India) was very relational and it was very refreshing and was just very encouraged to be in a roomful of ppl who are passionate and are involved in ministering to the poor... Issues about community, the church, parachurch organisation as well as from a church members perspective were shared... Struggles were shared - it was indeed good to be there.. Had many food for thought - many issues to wrestle with... But will have to end here for now...

Note to self: Need to be more careful of staircases when I'm exhausted. Almost fell down the staircase when I was on my way to Sentul... and fell down in front of the church stairs and the bottom of my toe's bleeding and hurting *grimace*... God's angels must've been watching over me today as I landed on my bag which had my clothes... Also - thankfully - found my way from Cheras to Sentul without getting lost - which is somewhat of a miracle especially since I had no clue how to get there in the first place: just prayed that God will just lead the way - and He did!

Happy Birthday to Jan and Oliver!!!

Redeeming Love

Finally finished reading the book -"Redeeming Love" - this morning... It was really awesome... Totally forgot Sue Ann's advice to have tissues around me when I read the book. Was just crying my heart out this morning while reading the book... Was moved to get a glimpse of how God loves us so much - despite our brokeness and ugliness and especially - our unfaithfulness..
I think I will always love the book Hosea - it speaks to me about God's redeeming love for me in a very powerful way.... Got a glimpse of how hard it was for the prophet Hosea to go after his wife when she was unfaithful to him - and how he took her back anyways...

It brings to mind the time when I'd chosen to turn away from Him(I know this probably comes as a surprise to some) and the stupid stuff I did during that period. Despite everything, He sought me back and loved me -despite me making myself as unlovable as I could... God really showed how much He loved me through my mother - who never let me go and who never gave up on me. No matter how much I lashed out at her and hurt her during that time because I couldn't believed that I was worth loving anymore, she never gave stopped showing me that she loved me- when I know that many parents would have given up on their child... Am so humbled by God's love for me everytime I remember that time of my life. God's love spoke really strongly to me through the book this morning once again...
One interesting quote that really stuck out in my head from the book was "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heaven" - Milton.

Speaking about love stories, was privileged to hear a love story(am such a sucker for these kinds of stories) of a fellow STM friend this morning as he's not the kind of person to share this with everyone. Am blessed to know him... He sorta reminds me a bit of my big bro in Australia - whom I'm very fond of... Looks like I'll be attending another wedding in August...

Dear God,
Thank You for this great day so far... Thank You for Your great love for me... You are super awesome and I love You so much...

Insights

It's been a long day... Am feeling exhausted and am rather reluctant to blog anything at the moment - I would rather be in my bed and be wrapped up in the book that I'm currently reading and have an early night - I'm just that exhausted. However, something happened this afternoon that I feel I should 'capture' the moment before I do all that. I know I'll lose it if I wait until tomorrow to blog about it.

Had a good talk with one of the lecturers here about something that's been bugging me for many years now and I now have a better insight of myself as a result. Two blind spots came to light. Funny how I never saw it before - what I once thought were my greatest weakness were viewed by her as strengths (I'm still amazed by that)... Also saw how I never had closure in an area and how it's been affecting me a lot lately. In my head, I've let it go many years ago but I've come to realise that I've not let it go in my heart. I learnt to give it to God today-by His grace, I realise that He's been preparing in the past few weeks for this and it would've have been so much worst otherwise... Letting go what is precious to you is always hard.

Out of this, I am finally able to truly say to Him "You give and take away - Blessed be Your Name"

Random stuff

So much on my mind - yet can't get it out at the moment.. Will do a random thingo..

• Currently reading: Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love - a retelling of the book of Hosea and recommended by Sue Ann.. Really love what I've read so far
• Planning for Oliver's and Jan's birthday: Hope everything turns out well - want it to be special for them.. I remember and appreciated the effort that my friends in Melbourne made my every birthday a special one...
• Have an important meeting with someone tomorrow - I wonder how it will turn out??
• I wonder where I'm going to end up this weekend since the pastorate group's trip to Gopeng has been cancelled because of the bird flu
• How am I going to talk with a certain someone about an issue that just came up? I hate doing this
• Need to sleep earlier than usual tonite
• My email's overflooded with stuff that needs to be sorted out - hope i have time to do so tomorrow
• Had a sms from Daniel of TeenStreet! It was good to briefly communicate with him again.. Am sad to have to miss the reunion this weekend - especially since it means that I won't be able to see the team... Have fond memories of great teamwork going on at the camp.. .
• I will also be missing the AGM at church!!!!!! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh - maybe I can sneak back for that -if we decide to do something light for our pastoral group outing... How? how? how??
• Is it just me?? How can people be so disorganised in planning stuff sometimes??? On the other hand, I know I have to learn to *LET IT GO*
• Have to stop blogging now - a bit difficult to send email, blog and talk at the same time

The race

The finish line was near. The runner, sweat running down his brow, was already exhausted - in fact, he was bone weary. A few others have gone ahead before him. But for him, the goal of the race was not to win. The objective was to finish the race - come what may - within the given time frame. As he ran or even shuffled along at times, thoughts ran through his mind - "What if I fail again? What if I fall? What if my strength gives out before I reach the finish line? What if I never finish at all?".

Though there had been people encouraging him from the side to move on, the runner knew he had to run the race on his own. As he moved on, unexpectedly, his past injuries came back to plague him - injuries that he thought were completely healed. They slowly began to cripple him - until he thought that he could not bear it any more. Still - he moved on, again with the help of friends and family who were stationed along the way to give him a drink when he needed it. His energy was recharged slightly with each sip. His steps faltered again after a while. He was not running as fast as he thought that he could or should - because his injuries were continually plaguing him. Already, he was behind the time frame he had set in his mind. He should have been at the finishing line much earlier. Unseen new injuries added to the pain. He also very reluctantly picked up another burden or two along the way for fear of others being injured because of that burden. Still, with whatever little energy he possesed, he moved on - though his space was as slow as a snail by now - wondering when and if he would ever get to the finishing line.

Others, who were watching him could not understand why he seemed to be moving so slowly - after all, he looked fit when he started the race. Sensing their unspoken disapproval and feeling a little bit disheartened, he moved on - slowly trudging - his whole body aching. He was also getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen into his brain and thought he would collapse for sure. He almost gave up - but he looked up to his coach who encouraged him to take a break and then finish the race, pain and all.

After his rest, the pain did not subside by much but he moved on anyways. Soon, the finishing line loomed ahead.... The time was ticking away.. He wondered if he could make it-his injuries were acting up... Tick tick tick tick.... *shuffle* *pant* *shuffle* *pant*.. It was a miracle - he made it with a little time to spare!!!!

Exhausted, he dropped to the ground. He had almost no energy left. Lying on the ground and staring at the sky above him, his heart was exultant that he made it. Too weary to even speak -he thanked God in his heart for helping him complete the race.

*************************************************
Have finished and handed up my parable assignment today! Thought I'd give it a go at writing the above narrative as a result of being saturated with the parables for the past few weeks - to put into words what I've been going through. Though it would have been better without the stress of the assignment, I am rather glad I did the topic. I learnt a lot about parables in the process.

Small mercies

It's been quite a day and a longer one stilll... Thank God for small mercies though- such as NO Church Music class.. On the other hand - ended up using that time to put out fires *sigh*. As if that was not enough, my stomach has been acting up the whole day - ended up taking Mr A's advice to have a break from my assignment and took a much unwanted but necessary nap... When I woke up, unfortunately, my stomach wasn't feeling very much better.

The Myanmarese group decided to have a service here for Jan's mum at 3.30pm as the funeral service was running simultaneously there and I decided to go for it. Learnt more about his family and his mother in particular and I'm glad to see that he's coping well at this point. Am glad for his sake that quite a few people showed up to support him at this time.

Have church history class tonight *sigh* and am still deciding about eating dinner... Feel like skipping another meal because of my tummy... Already feel like throwing up the bread I had earlier. Hope my stomach settle down soon.

In spite of all this, my brain is still positive about surviving the rest of the night. Thank You God for small mercies in this rather eventful day.

Thoughts...

It's funny how it's easier to acknowledge my own weaknesses than to let other people know about it[especially those closest to me] - and the stupid lengths I go to cover it - many times to my own detriment.
It's also funny how it's easier to ask for help for any other people other than myself. I find that I just don't know how to and am afraid to- again to my own detriment.

Many times, I think that God has been good and provided the answers that I needed before I had to ask for help - many times because He knew that I wasn't ready. Of course, there has been times when I've had to do it but I've failed abysmally. But now, I think He's just teaching me to move out of where I've been. I think it's time to grow out of the past.


God - please catch me if I fall or fail again.. I'm so afraid.

Comfort from unexpected people

Have had a day and a half break from the parables assignment and thankfully I didn't dream about any assignment last nite. I feel much saner for the break and the war in my head that has been rampant in the past week has abated somewhat[though it'll probably come back after this when I start doing it again]. On Friday night, I was on the point of despair *again* and even told Daniel 'to heck with the assignment' and I was just going to hand up whatever I had in I just had - unedited and was just prepared to seriously fail the assignment. As I shared with Lee Yng on Saturday morning, it was prolly the melancholic side of me acting up - to me, it had to be a perfect assignment or just hand up 'whatever' [and it will have to be 'whatever' since I'm find myself at a loss of how to write the assignment].

It's quite funny, but throughout the weekend, I've had comforting words spoken to me about the assignment that helped me regain my sanity- from somewhat unexpected places. First of all, I had a great time of fellowship and sharing with Lee Yng in the car on the way to church and shared our struggles with the assignment. I shared a bit with her about the battles that were going on in my head- the battles that was paralysing me from moving forward in my assignment [at one point i was staring at the screen for 4 hours and just not moving anywhere].. It was comforting to know that she understood... I also appreciated the effort that she took to send me back on Saturday - so I could have some extra time to work on the parables.
Silvester also showed up on msn in between my busy moments at church and further encouraged me too and shared with me his struggles in his first year - and that though i may not see it at the moment - it apparently gets better over time.
Uncle Choon Meow was very helpful too and gave a couple of good advise which I'm planning to follow - with a little courage.

This morning, the message that Siew Li spoke about Elijah at the point of discouragement struck a chord in me. Especially the bit about feeling alone in his struggles and how God still speaks in a gentle whisper. It got me thinking that He's been sustaining me through this time with His gentle whisper on top of encouragements from different friends.

As a reflection, when all this is over, I'll probably forget what the assignment was all about - but I'll not forget the friendships and words of comfort that is helping me to go through this rough time. Thanks guys...

Father,
I know that you're teaching me so much more than the assignment at the moment. Thank You for the people that You've sent along the way to help me cope a little better.

Nightmare

I can't believe this! I was dreaming about parables assignment last night.. Scary!!

Stress Relieving

Am posting these up as part of my stress relieving from my hideous Parable assignment.. :)


Sherman scheming at his computer... *cheeky grin*

Oliver - the cute creature from Myanmar

Comrades in assignment struggle

I feel like I'm going in circles with this assignment. It's so frustrating! Have felt like crying countless times - and giving up. Am reminded how hopeless I am with this kind of writing. I have my points on paper but I just can't get it to connect and I end up not going anywhere.

Went to find some friends who were in the same predicament. And we had a good laugh at ourselves and our frustrations. It was good to share our struggles together and helped dispell the hopelessness of the situation a bit.

Thank You God for 'comrades' that I can laugh and cry together with over this assignment.

And the struggle goes on...

So much for my resolution last nite. Ended up doing something else and just fell asleep.
Ever get the feeling that you just want to hide in bed for the rest of the day because you're know you're going to be doing something you disliked?
It happened to me this morning - quite hilarious actually. The alarm rang at 7.30am and i kept arguing with myself to sleep later. So I went back to sleep but i kept on waking up and wondering what time it was. On the other hand, another part of me just wanted to remain under my covers and just hide.
Have finally decided to stop hiding and am reminded again that I need the grace of God and His strength to see me through this day.

Ranting on assignment

I absolute hate doing assignments - studying for Greek is so much easier. :P
*sigh*
Need to start writing SOMETHING tonite!!!!

Break

Am in a much better frame of mind today - though a bit more tired easily. I've decided to take the rest of the nite off- don't think I'll be able to study anymore.

On the overall, I think it's been a good day. Studying and hanging out with SK and O has been rather good and therapeutic. Oliver's rather funny most of the time. I think it's just difficult to be gloomy with him around. :) Like I said in my blog - Oliver's the kind of person who brings a smile to your face when you think of him.

Dear Father,
Thank you for this day - for working in my life, for friends, for Your comfort.

In Your Love

At times like these, Nicole Nordeman's songs seem the most apt

In Your Love

I am humbled in Your presence
More desperate than before
I've brushed against Your mercy
Yet still I'm wanting more
I have felt the hand of comfort
In the softness of Your touch
I wait

I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love I find my resting place
In Your love I find my shelter
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love

I surrender all my failings
Please break these chains of doubt
I bring these simple offerings
Of what I can't work out
When You let these healing waters
Anoint my troubled soul
I wait

The cry of my soul

I think there's something wrong with me
Feel like tears are coming down my eyes
What's going on?
What's going on God?
Am just so confused - my mind seems to be in a clamour...
Peace seems so far away

There were lots of laughter a couple of hours ago
And yet...

I feel like I'm hurting for no reason at all
I hate all this pain - every moment of it
It seems like there's a dark veil covering me
It feels like there's tons of pins pricking every part of my skin
And my heart feels heavy - so very heavy

Someone said-in friendship, there must be wounds
Why must there be? Why all this pain?
At times like these I ask - why did You created me to be me
With this softness of heart that seems to bruise so easily?
It's insane -they've just been gone for two days...
Why does it seem to hurt me so much when it barely affects others at all?
Is there some defect in me that causes me to be like this?
I hate the tears - I'd rather be laughing
Where has the joy gone?
WHY is the joy gone?

I want to hide
Like I used to in days of old
Not in You but to be in oblivion
To run to the world of books or movies
Where temporal reprieve can be found till the story ends
Will the ache go away when I close my eyes?
Will it disappear when I awake in the morning?
Only You know the answer

I need Your comfort
I need You to be a balm that soothes my aching heart
To dry the tears in my soul
Oh - how I long and yearn for You
Is this why You put me here again?
To remind me of how much I need You?

Another good weekend

Am back at STM and it's the beginning of reading week for me. It's a time to catch up on the seemingly impossible pile of work that needs to be cleared.
Am feeling slightly blue. Have been back here for only a couple of hours and miss the guys already (They've gone back to their respective homes for a couple of days to spend time with their families). It seems so quiet here. It's times like these when I realise again how close I've grown with them. Really look forward to their coming back. In the meantime, I think I'll just hide myself in my books.
Had a great time yesterday evening. I think Jacob and his team did well in preparing for the service. Found the sermon a bit suspect, but on the overall, the service was good. It was super great to have Lee Yng and Charles come along to give support too. It was very late by the time we went for dinner and we were awfully hungry and tired. It was quite late by the time I got home - and later still when the guys got back to their place. I really appreciated the effort they took to send me home - am really blessed by their friendship.
Praise God that this morning's worship service went ok. Was reminded on how arrogant I can be in my assumptions sometimes and was humbled once again. Uncle Chee Yan spoke really well in his sermon about managing finances that God has given. He gave a really balanced view on the topic and a lot of people were challenged again in this area.
Was a bit worried that I wouldn't get to spend any time with my family so it was good that we ended up having lunch together before my mum sent my bro and I back to our respective place of studies. Mum took me shopping before I got back here to replenish all the cup noodles that I'd run out of. :) Had a good short talk with my sister while shopping. Went for tea with my mum and sis. So it was really really good to spend precious moments together.

Dear Father,
Love you heaps. Thank you for the weekend. It was really good. :)

Jacob, Daniel and I after dinner

More photos here.

Daniel - Eating as usual. *grin*

Jacob's Version of Charles Wesley's "O For A Thousand Tongues to sing"

Melissa and Ashlee

The Aftermath

Happenings of my life...

Am back again at church after a rather long week at STM. It was definitely less eventful than the previous week (which I'm truly thankful for), nevertheless it's been somewhat heavier with the church music class, steward group duties, the extra talk on Thursday nite and trying to finish my parables assignment outline. I think I'm going to get permanent eyebags like Daniel soon. :P On the other hand, it's been another week of building relationships, getting to know my friends better and learning different facets of them. Got to know Oliver better this week - his antics with the guys are rather amusing -thinking of him just brings a smile to my face. :)

On the other hand, it's been really great to be back home hang out with the uncles again and listening to their stories- I realised that it's one of the things that I missed a lot.. Listening to their stories of old, of the church and getting great advice from them(Haha- as Dennis from the office says, they can be a bit 'LW' at times - but I love them to pieces anyways).

Spent time with my mum and bro last nite- my sis went out as usual with her bf - barely get to see her nowadays. :P I think watching tv with mum on friday nites might become a ritual at this rate. She's so cute when she gets into her Korean movies.

After a while, I went to get some series off my brother and watched the latest episode of Monk (Mr Monk and the Astronaut). [For the uninformed, Monk is a detective series about this guy called Adrian Monk. He has this passion for solving crimes and is brilliant at it -but on the other hand, he has this great list of phobias and is not able to function at all without his assistant and nurse]. It strucked me why I love the show so much besides the fact that it's non-violent and quite funny. It's about this guy who just is brilliant but broken - and his brokeness sometimes gets in the way of his gift of solving crimes and yet he pushes on in spite of his brokenness with the help of his assistant.

Take the latest episode, the criminal was a guy who was an astronaut who's afraid of nothing -except Monk. Which is quite a funny thought - being afraid of nothing except a guy who's a got a gazillion list of phobias?? (afraid of heights, MILK, germs, food must not touch, everything must be in order, etc...). I especially liked the bit where in spite of his phobias, he stood in front of the plane to stop the bad guy though the bad guy could have run him down. There was quite a bit of spiritual lessons for me in there.

Hmmm... there's a LOT more to say but I think I'll stop for now. It's going to be a long day... Have lunch with Uncle Choon Meow and Uncle Sam, worship practice followed by rushing down to Cheras after.

Random thought - reading week's coming up... Will have time to catch up with my work!!! Yay!! Will miss the guys till they come back though - at least I still have Oliver :) ...

Complete

Was just listening to this song by Parachute Band a few minutes ago and one of 'those' moments happened again - the moment where you just want to stop everything and savour the sweet presence of God.... The lyrics are not exactly 'out of this world' - but it just resonates within me as I meditate on brokeness in the past week...
Thank You God for that truly beautiful moment.


Complete
Andrew Ulugia
Here I am O God
I bring this sacrifice - my open heart
I offer up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Thank You for this Day

Dear God,
Thank You for this day
Thank You for the Church Music class this morning- especially for Gerrad and Jacob that made it somewhat bearable
Thank You for the rushed breakfast fellowship - it was short but great!
Thank You for steward group duties - washing plates brings another element of servanthood to life
Thank You for good refreshing sleep in the afternoon
Thank You for good friends who woke me up when I overslept in the afternoon and encouraged me to go to the library to get some much needed work done
Thank You for Monk (You know how much I adore the series) - it was a great to chill out and have a good laugh for a little while
Thank You for a good dinner - for the Kurma curry and cabbage
Thank You that for the fellowship that we had with You later in the evening - so much so that I think that most of us didn't want to stop. It was good to be able to encourage one another to lay our burdens at Your feet.
Thank You for music - it's amazing how it speaks to the soul
Thank You for being with me throughout the day.

Time at home and back in STM

Is it my imagination or is my blog entries getting longer and longer??? Must be effect of studying at STM...

Anyways, -am back in STM... *contented sigh*. The two days back home was good too. It was great to have my mum's home cooked food - she cooked Bah kut Teh, egg pizza and vegetables and it was just absolutely fantastic... I didn't know how tired I was- I fell asleep and in the living room and didn't hear the kids go off!! Woke up and it was wonderful to spend time chilling in front of the tv with mum - watching Unbreakable and American Idol (My mum and sis' seemingly current favourite programme) on Friday nite.

On Saturday, I fixed my tooth (and am virtually left a pauper) but at least I don't have to wear the annoying dentures anymore and don't feel like there's always something stuck at the top of my mouth... Thank God too that my gums are no longer bleeding though they still feel a little bit tender.. Rushed to work and packed some food to eat - but my appetite was sort of lost for some reason. But I regretted not eating a proper lunch despite of the lack of appetite.

During worship practice my head felt really woozy and I felt like my limbs were just so tired- and it also felt like I was zoning in and out most of time. It was a rather weird feeling. Thank God that my worship team was very understanding and that my partner in worship leading- Jason was very understanding about it. Felt slightly better after the practice when I finished the rest of my 'breakfast' food. Had a great talk with my pastor - it's always good to meet up with him. Really appreciate his understanding of where I am and his concerns for me.

Went home and just seriously wanted to crash after the meeting with my pastor but went out with my family for dinner - which was also good. It felt like ages since we sat down to eat as a family. We went to the Times bookshop fair. They had really good stuff there - pity that my head decided to do the zoning in and out thing again and I so had to go to the car to get sleep before I fainted or something drastic like that. Managed to get a collection of Oscar Wilde's book for an extremely reasonable price(though I'm still wondering when I'm ever going to read it with all the work I've got to do) :P

Must have slept in the car for an hour or so - was feeling much better by the time I got home and ended up watching American Idol with my sis till twelve. Got up this morning for church service and it was Jason's turn to feel like a zombie (the poor guy had food poisoning the night before). But praise God, everything went ok for the service and that none of us keeled over - heheh.

Finally got to catch up with Sue Ann after all these weeks- though it was a bit rushed. I think that it's amazing that we're learning quite similar things in different ways - though we've not been as close geographically as we used to... Am reminded again of the urgency to keep her constantly in my prayers. Again, I'm glad too for the input and the blessing that she's been to me..

Two people that I met along the way and that I got to talk to is Hua Loon and Keng.. It's been quite a surprise especially to see Keng - haven't seen him around in ages. He encouraged me when he told Sue Ann and I that he's thinking of us though he is far away. I pray that he doesn't have to go to another country for now... Am also reminded to pray for him.. He looks different from the last time I saw him - older maybe - i just don't know.

Came back to STM in the afternoon with J -after going to Salvation and buying 3 CDs. Crashed after I unpacked when I came back - had that feeling of wooziness again (i hope it's not a permanent thing)... Played risk with the guys and it was just great to be back and sharing meals and fellowshipping with them again..

Thank You God for again and again for family, church friends and my friends here at STM. It's just awesome to have them in my life. They are truly a gift from you.

One Life At A Time

Will be going back to my other 'world' soon-back to church and home. It already feels so long before I'll come back here to STM (though yes - I'll be back on Sunday evening and it's only two days away). It just feels weird that I won't be seeing ppl that I've seen everyday for the last two weeks and I realise how attached and close I've grown to them. How they've challenged me and yet supported me when things have gotten really rough this week.

Just came back from lunch and my greek test. Had a hunch way before the test started that I was not going to get full marks (trust me - it wasn't a case of 'because I thought it, it would happen'). It was more like I sensed the Holy Spirit saying - "don't panic.. But you're not going to get full marks for this test - same as Christian Spirituality this week. Because I want to teach you something - you don't have to BE perfect and struggle so much to be perfect. You are not God. I AM." And I must say - I definitely didn't get full marks for the test...

Funny how lately I've been getting all this 'sensing' (for lack of a better word) that I used to be so scared of. I used to notice it that it happens whenever I'm close to God and being very sensitive to His Holy Spirit. At the same time, I remember how afraid I am about it - it feels like I'm in a roller coaster ride - and a painful one at that. And my direct reaction would be to shut God out for a while until I can cope again... I'll leave it at that for now (Those that want a fuller explanation will have to talk to me directly about this).

Also went to watch a movie at a friend's place this morning - I have a lot of things to contemplate over. And I was also thinking - funny how and when God chooses to answer some of the questions that I've been wrestling with the past year and one of the underlying reasons that I came to STM(and at the same time never thought I'd find it here or so soon).. Not that I've got all the answers down to pat... I think that's as much as I want to say for now... Am still mulling over things and still have lots of questions to ask.

Anyways, during the after-movie discussion, this song about Jesus' life came to mind. It was part of an Easter cantata that we did at church a long long time ago-the words never fail to reach deep into my soul. And something of the discussion brought that out again.

One Life at A Time
He was a man who laughed with children
Who was not ashamed to cry
A man who walked and listen
While the world hurried by

He didn't shake a million hands
Or changed a million minds
He simply change the whole wide world
One life at a time

One life at a time
He changed one life at a time
One whose heart was hopeless
One whose eyes were blind
Filling us with life and love
Of a different kind
He filled the world with miracles (He touched me with His perfect love)
One life at a time

He said "Come unto me
Come unto me
With childlike hearts
Trusting and free
Listen and hear
Look and you'll see
Someone who loves you
Saying come unto me"


Thank You Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit for the things that you are doing in my life - though it has come with great pain. I pray for Your continual leading and for courage to face the things that You want me to face.

God is God and I am not

Wanted to post this up yesterday as part of Ash Wednesday meditations - as usual, I got distracted along the way and ended up not posting it. Feel that God continually reminded me of this song today so I thought to do it anyways.

God is God - By Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Happy Birthday Lee Yng!!

If you ever read this, I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I thank God that you are here in STM this year.
Thank you for being one the three prayer partners as well as being a sounding board whenever I've need one. Thank you for how you always make me feel welcome in your room. Thank you for being a wonderful support. Thank you for being you.

I pray that the reason for your coming to STM will be answered. May this day bring you many blessings (despite the stressing out with the Greek test tomorrow and the piles of work that he gave us).