To....

When will you ever forgive me?
When will what I do be enough for you?
When will me being me be enough for you?
My flaws seem to be bigger than my efforts to make it up to you
When will restitution end and forgiveness start?

I've moved on...
Don't you understand?
I had to - I was dying so slowly
And nobody seem to know - not even you
Nobody except her - but she's now taken your side because you hurt
And yet I hope you will never understand that
I would never wish it on you

But it hurts so much to see you hurting
It hurts to know that I caused it
It hurts to know that I cannot do anything about it
Don't you know that I cannot take the first step anymore?
I've gone as far as I can and there are no more steps left to take

I yearn to see you move on
I yearn to see you let go just so that you can grow
I'd turn the clock back to undo things if I could
But reality does not permit

You say that action speaks louder than words
When will you understand that I had to do what I did at the time - as wrong as it was
To me, I had no other choice
When will you ever understand WHY I did what I did
Though we went through a lot together
He has made us to be so different
Maybe you will never understand
And maybe I have to learn to accept that

You say that my friends are more important to me than you
Don't you understand that I'd bear the pain for you?
You don't know how much I love you - how vulnerable I am to you
I hide it because I learnt a long time ago
That hurting me comes easily to you
Especially when you hurt
You always knew the right buttons to push
And never seem to hesitate to push it
Nevertheless, because of who you are
I love you very much

I hope you will never understand
What it means to dread the coming of each day as I did
The feeling of fear to face up to the ugliness in me
The feeling of dread to face the despair and hopelessness that the rising of the sun brings with it
And that I now am only be able to get up each day because of His mercy and grace
And that though I am healed and am still being healed
I carry the scars -so many of them
I face them almost every day

When will you stop blaming Him for putting you where you are
For the hurts I've caused you? For the hurts he has caused you?
It hurts me to see that when you do, you play into the enemies hands
The fact that I played a part in it hurts so much more than you will ever know

I pray that you will learn to see the silver lining in the cloud
That our God loves you and and is waiting to restore you
Just as he did me with me - unworthy sinner as I am
That He has blessed you more than you realise
And that He loves you more than you will ever know
That His plans are perfect for you
No matter what you have to bear along the way
Because He was and is always there to see you through them
Though you don't see or feel Him there