Break

Am in a much better frame of mind today - though a bit more tired easily. I've decided to take the rest of the nite off- don't think I'll be able to study anymore.

On the overall, I think it's been a good day. Studying and hanging out with SK and O has been rather good and therapeutic. Oliver's rather funny most of the time. I think it's just difficult to be gloomy with him around. :) Like I said in my blog - Oliver's the kind of person who brings a smile to your face when you think of him.

Dear Father,
Thank you for this day - for working in my life, for friends, for Your comfort.

In Your Love

At times like these, Nicole Nordeman's songs seem the most apt

In Your Love

I am humbled in Your presence
More desperate than before
I've brushed against Your mercy
Yet still I'm wanting more
I have felt the hand of comfort
In the softness of Your touch
I wait

I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love I find my resting place
In Your love I find my shelter
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love

I surrender all my failings
Please break these chains of doubt
I bring these simple offerings
Of what I can't work out
When You let these healing waters
Anoint my troubled soul
I wait

The cry of my soul

I think there's something wrong with me
Feel like tears are coming down my eyes
What's going on?
What's going on God?
Am just so confused - my mind seems to be in a clamour...
Peace seems so far away

There were lots of laughter a couple of hours ago
And yet...

I feel like I'm hurting for no reason at all
I hate all this pain - every moment of it
It seems like there's a dark veil covering me
It feels like there's tons of pins pricking every part of my skin
And my heart feels heavy - so very heavy

Someone said-in friendship, there must be wounds
Why must there be? Why all this pain?
At times like these I ask - why did You created me to be me
With this softness of heart that seems to bruise so easily?
It's insane -they've just been gone for two days...
Why does it seem to hurt me so much when it barely affects others at all?
Is there some defect in me that causes me to be like this?
I hate the tears - I'd rather be laughing
Where has the joy gone?
WHY is the joy gone?

I want to hide
Like I used to in days of old
Not in You but to be in oblivion
To run to the world of books or movies
Where temporal reprieve can be found till the story ends
Will the ache go away when I close my eyes?
Will it disappear when I awake in the morning?
Only You know the answer

I need Your comfort
I need You to be a balm that soothes my aching heart
To dry the tears in my soul
Oh - how I long and yearn for You
Is this why You put me here again?
To remind me of how much I need You?

Another good weekend

Am back at STM and it's the beginning of reading week for me. It's a time to catch up on the seemingly impossible pile of work that needs to be cleared.
Am feeling slightly blue. Have been back here for only a couple of hours and miss the guys already (They've gone back to their respective homes for a couple of days to spend time with their families). It seems so quiet here. It's times like these when I realise again how close I've grown with them. Really look forward to their coming back. In the meantime, I think I'll just hide myself in my books.
Had a great time yesterday evening. I think Jacob and his team did well in preparing for the service. Found the sermon a bit suspect, but on the overall, the service was good. It was super great to have Lee Yng and Charles come along to give support too. It was very late by the time we went for dinner and we were awfully hungry and tired. It was quite late by the time I got home - and later still when the guys got back to their place. I really appreciated the effort they took to send me home - am really blessed by their friendship.
Praise God that this morning's worship service went ok. Was reminded on how arrogant I can be in my assumptions sometimes and was humbled once again. Uncle Chee Yan spoke really well in his sermon about managing finances that God has given. He gave a really balanced view on the topic and a lot of people were challenged again in this area.
Was a bit worried that I wouldn't get to spend any time with my family so it was good that we ended up having lunch together before my mum sent my bro and I back to our respective place of studies. Mum took me shopping before I got back here to replenish all the cup noodles that I'd run out of. :) Had a good short talk with my sister while shopping. Went for tea with my mum and sis. So it was really really good to spend precious moments together.

Dear Father,
Love you heaps. Thank you for the weekend. It was really good. :)

Jacob, Daniel and I after dinner

More photos here.

Daniel - Eating as usual. *grin*

Jacob's Version of Charles Wesley's "O For A Thousand Tongues to sing"

Melissa and Ashlee

The Aftermath

Happenings of my life...

Am back again at church after a rather long week at STM. It was definitely less eventful than the previous week (which I'm truly thankful for), nevertheless it's been somewhat heavier with the church music class, steward group duties, the extra talk on Thursday nite and trying to finish my parables assignment outline. I think I'm going to get permanent eyebags like Daniel soon. :P On the other hand, it's been another week of building relationships, getting to know my friends better and learning different facets of them. Got to know Oliver better this week - his antics with the guys are rather amusing -thinking of him just brings a smile to my face. :)

On the other hand, it's been really great to be back home hang out with the uncles again and listening to their stories- I realised that it's one of the things that I missed a lot.. Listening to their stories of old, of the church and getting great advice from them(Haha- as Dennis from the office says, they can be a bit 'LW' at times - but I love them to pieces anyways).

Spent time with my mum and bro last nite- my sis went out as usual with her bf - barely get to see her nowadays. :P I think watching tv with mum on friday nites might become a ritual at this rate. She's so cute when she gets into her Korean movies.

After a while, I went to get some series off my brother and watched the latest episode of Monk (Mr Monk and the Astronaut). [For the uninformed, Monk is a detective series about this guy called Adrian Monk. He has this passion for solving crimes and is brilliant at it -but on the other hand, he has this great list of phobias and is not able to function at all without his assistant and nurse]. It strucked me why I love the show so much besides the fact that it's non-violent and quite funny. It's about this guy who just is brilliant but broken - and his brokeness sometimes gets in the way of his gift of solving crimes and yet he pushes on in spite of his brokenness with the help of his assistant.

Take the latest episode, the criminal was a guy who was an astronaut who's afraid of nothing -except Monk. Which is quite a funny thought - being afraid of nothing except a guy who's a got a gazillion list of phobias?? (afraid of heights, MILK, germs, food must not touch, everything must be in order, etc...). I especially liked the bit where in spite of his phobias, he stood in front of the plane to stop the bad guy though the bad guy could have run him down. There was quite a bit of spiritual lessons for me in there.

Hmmm... there's a LOT more to say but I think I'll stop for now. It's going to be a long day... Have lunch with Uncle Choon Meow and Uncle Sam, worship practice followed by rushing down to Cheras after.

Random thought - reading week's coming up... Will have time to catch up with my work!!! Yay!! Will miss the guys till they come back though - at least I still have Oliver :) ...

Complete

Was just listening to this song by Parachute Band a few minutes ago and one of 'those' moments happened again - the moment where you just want to stop everything and savour the sweet presence of God.... The lyrics are not exactly 'out of this world' - but it just resonates within me as I meditate on brokeness in the past week...
Thank You God for that truly beautiful moment.


Complete
Andrew Ulugia
Here I am O God
I bring this sacrifice - my open heart
I offer up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Thank You for this Day

Dear God,
Thank You for this day
Thank You for the Church Music class this morning- especially for Gerrad and Jacob that made it somewhat bearable
Thank You for the rushed breakfast fellowship - it was short but great!
Thank You for steward group duties - washing plates brings another element of servanthood to life
Thank You for good refreshing sleep in the afternoon
Thank You for good friends who woke me up when I overslept in the afternoon and encouraged me to go to the library to get some much needed work done
Thank You for Monk (You know how much I adore the series) - it was a great to chill out and have a good laugh for a little while
Thank You for a good dinner - for the Kurma curry and cabbage
Thank You that for the fellowship that we had with You later in the evening - so much so that I think that most of us didn't want to stop. It was good to be able to encourage one another to lay our burdens at Your feet.
Thank You for music - it's amazing how it speaks to the soul
Thank You for being with me throughout the day.

Time at home and back in STM

Is it my imagination or is my blog entries getting longer and longer??? Must be effect of studying at STM...

Anyways, -am back in STM... *contented sigh*. The two days back home was good too. It was great to have my mum's home cooked food - she cooked Bah kut Teh, egg pizza and vegetables and it was just absolutely fantastic... I didn't know how tired I was- I fell asleep and in the living room and didn't hear the kids go off!! Woke up and it was wonderful to spend time chilling in front of the tv with mum - watching Unbreakable and American Idol (My mum and sis' seemingly current favourite programme) on Friday nite.

On Saturday, I fixed my tooth (and am virtually left a pauper) but at least I don't have to wear the annoying dentures anymore and don't feel like there's always something stuck at the top of my mouth... Thank God too that my gums are no longer bleeding though they still feel a little bit tender.. Rushed to work and packed some food to eat - but my appetite was sort of lost for some reason. But I regretted not eating a proper lunch despite of the lack of appetite.

During worship practice my head felt really woozy and I felt like my limbs were just so tired- and it also felt like I was zoning in and out most of time. It was a rather weird feeling. Thank God that my worship team was very understanding and that my partner in worship leading- Jason was very understanding about it. Felt slightly better after the practice when I finished the rest of my 'breakfast' food. Had a great talk with my pastor - it's always good to meet up with him. Really appreciate his understanding of where I am and his concerns for me.

Went home and just seriously wanted to crash after the meeting with my pastor but went out with my family for dinner - which was also good. It felt like ages since we sat down to eat as a family. We went to the Times bookshop fair. They had really good stuff there - pity that my head decided to do the zoning in and out thing again and I so had to go to the car to get sleep before I fainted or something drastic like that. Managed to get a collection of Oscar Wilde's book for an extremely reasonable price(though I'm still wondering when I'm ever going to read it with all the work I've got to do) :P

Must have slept in the car for an hour or so - was feeling much better by the time I got home and ended up watching American Idol with my sis till twelve. Got up this morning for church service and it was Jason's turn to feel like a zombie (the poor guy had food poisoning the night before). But praise God, everything went ok for the service and that none of us keeled over - heheh.

Finally got to catch up with Sue Ann after all these weeks- though it was a bit rushed. I think that it's amazing that we're learning quite similar things in different ways - though we've not been as close geographically as we used to... Am reminded again of the urgency to keep her constantly in my prayers. Again, I'm glad too for the input and the blessing that she's been to me..

Two people that I met along the way and that I got to talk to is Hua Loon and Keng.. It's been quite a surprise especially to see Keng - haven't seen him around in ages. He encouraged me when he told Sue Ann and I that he's thinking of us though he is far away. I pray that he doesn't have to go to another country for now... Am also reminded to pray for him.. He looks different from the last time I saw him - older maybe - i just don't know.

Came back to STM in the afternoon with J -after going to Salvation and buying 3 CDs. Crashed after I unpacked when I came back - had that feeling of wooziness again (i hope it's not a permanent thing)... Played risk with the guys and it was just great to be back and sharing meals and fellowshipping with them again..

Thank You God for again and again for family, church friends and my friends here at STM. It's just awesome to have them in my life. They are truly a gift from you.

One Life At A Time

Will be going back to my other 'world' soon-back to church and home. It already feels so long before I'll come back here to STM (though yes - I'll be back on Sunday evening and it's only two days away). It just feels weird that I won't be seeing ppl that I've seen everyday for the last two weeks and I realise how attached and close I've grown to them. How they've challenged me and yet supported me when things have gotten really rough this week.

Just came back from lunch and my greek test. Had a hunch way before the test started that I was not going to get full marks (trust me - it wasn't a case of 'because I thought it, it would happen'). It was more like I sensed the Holy Spirit saying - "don't panic.. But you're not going to get full marks for this test - same as Christian Spirituality this week. Because I want to teach you something - you don't have to BE perfect and struggle so much to be perfect. You are not God. I AM." And I must say - I definitely didn't get full marks for the test...

Funny how lately I've been getting all this 'sensing' (for lack of a better word) that I used to be so scared of. I used to notice it that it happens whenever I'm close to God and being very sensitive to His Holy Spirit. At the same time, I remember how afraid I am about it - it feels like I'm in a roller coaster ride - and a painful one at that. And my direct reaction would be to shut God out for a while until I can cope again... I'll leave it at that for now (Those that want a fuller explanation will have to talk to me directly about this).

Also went to watch a movie at a friend's place this morning - I have a lot of things to contemplate over. And I was also thinking - funny how and when God chooses to answer some of the questions that I've been wrestling with the past year and one of the underlying reasons that I came to STM(and at the same time never thought I'd find it here or so soon).. Not that I've got all the answers down to pat... I think that's as much as I want to say for now... Am still mulling over things and still have lots of questions to ask.

Anyways, during the after-movie discussion, this song about Jesus' life came to mind. It was part of an Easter cantata that we did at church a long long time ago-the words never fail to reach deep into my soul. And something of the discussion brought that out again.

One Life at A Time
He was a man who laughed with children
Who was not ashamed to cry
A man who walked and listen
While the world hurried by

He didn't shake a million hands
Or changed a million minds
He simply change the whole wide world
One life at a time

One life at a time
He changed one life at a time
One whose heart was hopeless
One whose eyes were blind
Filling us with life and love
Of a different kind
He filled the world with miracles (He touched me with His perfect love)
One life at a time

He said "Come unto me
Come unto me
With childlike hearts
Trusting and free
Listen and hear
Look and you'll see
Someone who loves you
Saying come unto me"


Thank You Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit for the things that you are doing in my life - though it has come with great pain. I pray for Your continual leading and for courage to face the things that You want me to face.

God is God and I am not

Wanted to post this up yesterday as part of Ash Wednesday meditations - as usual, I got distracted along the way and ended up not posting it. Feel that God continually reminded me of this song today so I thought to do it anyways.

God is God - By Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Happy Birthday Lee Yng!!

If you ever read this, I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I thank God that you are here in STM this year.
Thank you for being one the three prayer partners as well as being a sounding board whenever I've need one. Thank you for how you always make me feel welcome in your room. Thank you for being a wonderful support. Thank you for being you.

I pray that the reason for your coming to STM will be answered. May this day bring you many blessings (despite the stressing out with the Greek test tomorrow and the piles of work that he gave us).

Random Thoughts

• Hope I finish my Christian Spirituality work by tonite
• Was good talking to Liz today - I think we were on the line for quite a long time. Am glad that she found a new job.
• Am sleepy
• Weather is very warm - hope it gets cooler soon
• Looking forward to ice cream outing with a friend tomorrow
• Had a good reminder today to be check my thoughts - that my learning more does not make me holier. I still have to live it out.
• Emilia looked beautiful at her wedding on Sunday. Was really happy for her.. It was great to see her get married to Larry. I think that the SIB ppl did a great job with her wedding.
• Apparently baptism turned out quite interesting last Sunday. Am so glad Li Chun's decided to get baptised. :)
• Sad to hear that Uncle Lee passed away. Will miss his presence on Sunday mornings - I remember fondly that he's usually at church with his wife at our Sunday morning sound check.
• Sadder still to hear Daniel Wong from Tung Ling passed away. But am glad that He managed to find God again before He went back to be with Him. Will always remember his enthusiasm to read more books, his generosity to us and his fervour to know God more and to stand up for justice.
• Howard Marshall came today and I couldn't understand half of what he was saying.. Realise I have a long way to go - if I ever get there...
• Need to get back to do my reflection instead of blogging now or I'll never finish
• Was good to see uncle Mark and uncle Selvendran today at the talk... Hmm - it was also surprising to see uncle Peter Sam too.

Thank You God through everything, You are working in my life.

To....

When will you ever forgive me?
When will what I do be enough for you?
When will me being me be enough for you?
My flaws seem to be bigger than my efforts to make it up to you
When will restitution end and forgiveness start?

I've moved on...
Don't you understand?
I had to - I was dying so slowly
And nobody seem to know - not even you
Nobody except her - but she's now taken your side because you hurt
And yet I hope you will never understand that
I would never wish it on you

But it hurts so much to see you hurting
It hurts to know that I caused it
It hurts to know that I cannot do anything about it
Don't you know that I cannot take the first step anymore?
I've gone as far as I can and there are no more steps left to take

I yearn to see you move on
I yearn to see you let go just so that you can grow
I'd turn the clock back to undo things if I could
But reality does not permit

You say that action speaks louder than words
When will you understand that I had to do what I did at the time - as wrong as it was
To me, I had no other choice
When will you ever understand WHY I did what I did
Though we went through a lot together
He has made us to be so different
Maybe you will never understand
And maybe I have to learn to accept that

You say that my friends are more important to me than you
Don't you understand that I'd bear the pain for you?
You don't know how much I love you - how vulnerable I am to you
I hide it because I learnt a long time ago
That hurting me comes easily to you
Especially when you hurt
You always knew the right buttons to push
And never seem to hesitate to push it
Nevertheless, because of who you are
I love you very much

I hope you will never understand
What it means to dread the coming of each day as I did
The feeling of fear to face up to the ugliness in me
The feeling of dread to face the despair and hopelessness that the rising of the sun brings with it
And that I now am only be able to get up each day because of His mercy and grace
And that though I am healed and am still being healed
I carry the scars -so many of them
I face them almost every day

When will you stop blaming Him for putting you where you are
For the hurts I've caused you? For the hurts he has caused you?
It hurts me to see that when you do, you play into the enemies hands
The fact that I played a part in it hurts so much more than you will ever know

I pray that you will learn to see the silver lining in the cloud
That our God loves you and and is waiting to restore you
Just as he did me with me - unworthy sinner as I am
That He has blessed you more than you realise
And that He loves you more than you will ever know
That His plans are perfect for you
No matter what you have to bear along the way
Because He was and is always there to see you through them
Though you don't see or feel Him there

Soul searching

It's been a soul searching week... Circumstances (more like people) has made me look at my past. It has helped me to understand me - why I am who I am today. At the same time, am challenged to look at the flaws in my life and to challenge my viewpoint. It gets painful at times - but it's a necessary pain..
I have not done this(looking at the past) in a very long time and realised that perhaps I was not ready earlier.. I realised that He has indeed brought me to a point of healing - I would've avoided and ignored this a year ago...

Still I thank God for bringing people into my life to continue to mould and sharpen me.. Especially three people who has been a great source of blessing in their own ways - in ways that I least expected and from the most unexpected place.. God's just using them to teach me about my perspective of people and myself and how wrong I can be sometimes in my preconceived ideas.
Am reminded that bit by bit, God is answering the prayer I wrote in my song last year.. Which is my prayer for this year..

Teach me to worship You the way You want me to
Teach me to love You Lord with all of my heart
Teach me to live for You in all that You do
And to offer up my life as a living sacrifice

May my life as an incense rise to You
Pleasing You as a fragrant perfume

There is still so much to learn from Him - and perhaps the learning will never end.. Nevertheless, I pray for humble and contrite heart - and a heart that continues to be teachable no matter how painful and hard the lesson may be..

It's a time of learning, unlearning and relearning...
To let go and trust Him more...
To learn to move on - knowing that there are others who are travelling on the same path and to share in the pain and discovering joys together..
To change in areas that need change..
To welcome challenges and embrace them even...


My prayer probably is best described in Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Bring it On"

I didn't come lookin for trouble
And I dont want to fight needlessly
But Im not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me

I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell somethings coming down
But if its gonna make me grow stronger then

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash
Let the thunder roll
Let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come
Let the hard rain fall
Let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, maybe youre thinking I'm crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
Cause I know I've got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Bring it on

Now, I dont want to sound like some hero
Cause its God alone that my hope is in
But I'm not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

Living in two worlds

Am tired... am supposed to be asleep now... but there's heaps of work... and people to talk too..
Feel very strongly that I live in two worlds nowadays- the world of STM and the world out there(my church and my home)...
I really love the people here and am just so blessed by the fellowship of the community here and enjoy my studies (though assignments are really stressful things to me)...
At the same time, when I check my mails, my church reminds me that life goes on... I chat on the phone with my close friends and I miss them and my family heaps...

Maybe I'm just rambling cos of my tired mind.... It's been a looonnnggg week... Am glad for the break this weekend.. :)