The gap between should be's and what is

I find myself struggling with what I should be and reality.
- I should be finished with my assignments by now but I have two left
- I should talk with several friends but I just can't at the moment
- I should be well (after all, I've been drinking water and resting a lot) but I seem to more worse off than two days ago
- I should be more of a blessing to others instead of thinking of my struggles but that's so far off in reality
- I should be seeking God's favour instead of man but I find myself failing so often
- I should be strong yet I find that I am weak
- I should read more, grow more and stay on top of things but am just helpless to do so

The struggle continues and wears me out sometimes but I am reminded that I need depend on Him more and more.

Somedays I ask...

Some days I ask, what on earth am I doing here?
- when the need is great and there is not enough help.
Though I may not be able to save the world, I can reach out to at least one.

Some days I ask, will I ever be ready for the work ahead?
- when the head knowledge surpasses heart knowledge.
I struggle with doing the things that I know I should do
and do things that I know I shouldn't.

Some days I ask, with all I know, what can I do?
- when I am but a small pawn compared to the giants who makes the decisions.

I ask these questions and wonder, not having answers..
And yet, I can but put my trust in You - in Your plans and will for me.

In my weakness

Be my strength..
I am so weak..

Moving on...

A thought just came to me while I was doing my assignment:
It's just funny how you can go on without certain things that you previously thought of as essential to your existence/things that will enable you to move on.

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to


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Doing my church work, assignments, reflection of this semester and listening to music at almost the same time (I hear Dan's voice in my head telling me to 'focus'! *grin*).. This song above just really ministered to me once again - so apt in view of my journey thus far.

Awesome Pastorate Group Mission Trip

Salty drops of sweat dripped unheeded down their brow. Their hands were too busy shovelling, hoeing, carrying dirt, mixing and cementing to pay heed. Eventually, their bodies and shirt were drenched with sweat and covered with a layer of dirt. Specks of dust rested on their hair. Arms and feet that were unused to hard labour ached. The smell of freshly dug soil blended with the cool fresh air. The air was filled with a mix of the sound of laughter, the sound of voices as stories were shared, the sound of the hammer banging, birds chirping, monkeys chattering, music blaring from the radio and the clucks of chicken who could be seen pecking at fat juicy worms that have been disturbed from their hiding place due to the digging of the earth. There was a sense of wonder, contentment and peace as they laboured together....




************************************************

Am back from mission trip!! Above is a short description of our experience as my pastorate group worked alongside with a team from Doulos on a building project in the jungle- in the midst of nature. My arms, legs and back are totally aching (it was really funny - cos everyone in my group groaned whenever we stood up or sat down today- climbing staircases was an ordeal too) and one side of my right leg is swollen cos of an insect bite. :P Nevertheless, the past few days has been a totally awesome experience... (photos here)

My amazing pastorate group Kirubai (Grace) members.


I've learnt so much about my pastorate group members and got to see a totally different side of them- this trip seems to have brought out the best in them. Somehow, before this trip, though we met only once a week, the ice was still unbroken. Once we picked up shovels and cangkul on Monday when we arrived at the village, the ice broke in a very big way as we worked together.

My respect for one my pastorate group members - Moses- has gone up by many notches.. He could still play volleyball when we got back!!! It was just amazing especially he since he carried several bags of 50kilos bags of cement down the steep hill and he weighs less than that(I kid you not!) ... As a comparison, it took the other 4 guys(Anthony Ho, Chris Dali, Takeshi and Lim) to carry ONE bag down the hill. To hear their story, it was very hillarious. We were laughing till we cried during our group sharing last nite.

As for Takeshi and Vicky - they were real troupers. Working hard doing whatever that needs to be done. Takeshi seemed to be all over the place - accomplishing whatever he did efficiently and enthusiastically (he broke 2 shovel handles in the process-the look on his face was just priceless. Pastor joked about how the shovels were not Japanese made and therefore inferior to Takeshi's expectations. Lol).. Vicky was always so smiley - no matter how tired or tough things got. She was even smiling when we were carrying all the heavy materials down the hill. The rest of us were all busy looking serious - trying to concentrate on carrying our stuff and worrying about not falling down the steep slope at the same time. We were also a bit worried about the imminent rain wetting the cement bags.

Had a glimpse of another side of Anthony and Maryanne. They were quiet - but chipped in in whatever they could help out with. It was the same with Chris and Lim. Even Pastor Joseph was just simply amazing. He could have complained that he was old and took a step back. Instead, he was in the middle of everything we did. He was one of the first to grab hold of the shovel and started shovelling and clearing the area for the church that we were building. Yesterday, he and some of the guys worked into digging a 4 feet deep hole to build a toilet. They worked really hard at it and it took them hours to complete the task. They were really wiped out at the end of it. No one could walk a straight line due to exhaustion at the end of the day.

I was really proud of my group. They put in everything they had. Even the Doulos team that was with us were just amazed at the things everyone accomplished.

Sharing lives
I especially loved the sharing of lives and sharing of stories. From Uncle Brian (a family friend and someone partnering with dad in ministry), we heard stories of the struggles of the OAs and the challenges of the ministry.

I've learnt so much more about my pastorate group members too, about their backgrounds, their struggles and their dreams.

I loved hanging out with the Doulos team. There were six of them. SK from Korea, Daniel from Switzerland (leader of the team and a former postman), BJ from Norway (she's a carpenter and just such an encouragement to everyone), Caroline from USA (She worked alongside with my bro in the Book Ex on the ship), Nyree (from Melbourne, Australia and a teacher on the ship) and Kotie (She's from South Africa and is a teacher on the ship. She's also the youngest member in the team).. I was really blessed as I sat down with them to hear their stories and their struggles as they serve on board the ship.


Memorable moments

• Sharing from Lim about how he saw another side to Camerons - and how he was just really challenged. His sharing brought tears to our eyes.
• The spontaneous reading of the Bible to encourage one another in the open air
• How everyone worked together in unity despite differences in race, culture and gender
• Our sharing of meals together. During lunch, though everyone was covered in grime and there was dust everywhere, we were really thankful for the simple fare and we shared our meagre food with one another.
• Sharing of stories
• Today's trip to the organic farm and meeting uncle Fang. He's such a philosophical farmer. Though not a Christian, his sharing was a challenge to us in our faith. Learning about the workings of the farm was pretty wonderful too.
• Praying together for a sick elderly OA lady. There were tears in her eyes as we prayed though I remember feeling so helpless and wished we could do more for her.

It was such an exciting time that I almost forgot about Greek test (till Moses reminded me last nite). *grin* I missed my closest friends in STM though - wished that they could be there too. Maybe next time.

Thank you God for these past few days. You've taught me so many new things. Thank You for reminding me of the things you have placed in my heart that I've forgotten. Though the last 3 days it's been so packed with stuff and the time has been so short, it's been really amazing! You are just so amazing. Thank You, thank You, thank You!!!

Travelling Week

Whoa... This week's been one of zipping here, there and everywhere(*grin*)... Here's my itinerary since last Wednesday..


Wednesday nite: Seremban->KL->Seremban - High Praise and go back to STM
Friday: Seremban -> JB - Friend's Wedding
Saturday: JB -> PJ - Go back to attend church 40th anniversary
Sunday: PJ -> Malacca -> Seremban - Go back to STM (before that go to Malacca to visit mum's friend)
Monday: Seremban -> Camerons - Go for pastorate group mission trip
Wednesday: Camerons -> Seremban - Head back to STM

It's Sunday and I'm now back in Seremban. The travelling has been tiring but it's been fun in it's own way. Reminds me of the good old days when my family used to travel all over Malaysia during the hols. *contented tired grin*

Happy 40th Birthday - PJEFC

Have been busy these past few weeks as my church gears up for our 40th anniversary celebration this Sunday. I had an awesome time last nite (wednesday nite) as both young and old gathered for High Praise(extended worship) and prayer that lasted from 8pm till 12midnite. It was held as part and parcel of the anniversary celebration. It was also just wonderful to see everyone rallying together during the High Praise to pray for Uncle Sam's well being as he undergoes tests and surgery.

Other than that, just thought to come out from my blog hibernation and 'pen down' some thoughts about my church.

I've been in PJEFC since I was a little girl of 8 years old. I've grown up with the church... I remember being scared of going to a new Sunday school(I think I even cried) - but I remember uncle Yee Khiam who was very welcoming and very funny and I eventually felt at home in Sunday School... When I was in my teens, I went through rough patches and I remember that I loved going to church - it seemed like a place of refuge when things seemed tough at home. I remember that I just loved being in the sanctuary and just playing on the grand piano on Saturdays when no one was around. Uncles and Aunties and friends seem to comfort me and they always seemed more like family. I remember me and my best friend, Myra talking about how we loved being in church and that it felt weird when we missed being there on a Sunday- even if we were away on holidays. It seems like my life have very much been intertwined with PJEFC.

When I think of PJEFC, I don't just think about the building. Many faces comes to mind - people whom I have grown up with and have journeyed with me in my faith; people who have laughed and cried with me; people who have helped me and supported me whenever I was at crossroads; people who I knew cared for me the best they knew how despite not understanding where I came from sometimes; people whom God has used and moulded me to be who I am today; people who have been an example of Christ to me in certain areas of my life. Many have come and gone through the doors of the church. PJEFC is not exactly a 'perfect church' and there are many flaws and still so many things to work through. There have been times when we wondered if the church would make it through certain situations. There have been times when I and many within the church have contemplated moving on to other chruches. When I think about certain periods, despite our flaws and where many churches would have ceased to function, by God's grace, we have come through those times and seem to flourish even more. It's just amazing... We never expected or planned to be where we are today. We acknowledge that it's only by God's grace that we are where we are.

Happy 40th Birthday PJEFC! May God's blessing be upon You and see You through another 40 years! Thank You for all the memories. Thank You God for PJEFC. :)

Hibernation

*yawn*
*stretch*
*open one eye*
*groan*
*close eye*
*yawn*
*making zzzs...*

Trying to wake up from my blogging hibernation... I think I'll sleep a little longer and wake up another day.

Blogging break

I'm taking a break from blogging for now. I find myself starting several entries halfway and somehow not completing them -partly because of terrible connection. Have also been feeling tired more often this week. Hopefully next week will be better. Thanks to those who have been encouraging me to blog. Do continue to have patience with me.

Broken pieces...

"Crash!"
She rushed into the living room. Oreos looked at her, his face looked guilty, his tail drooped. Next to him, her precious vase lay broken. She felt dismayed at the lost of the vase- not because it was costly - but because it was of great sentimental value to her. Though it was not much to look at, it was the only legacy left to her by her grandmother who passed away a long time ago. Heartbroken and still somewhat in shock, unthinkingly, she picked up a piece of the shattered pottery. A sharp pain shot through her hand - blood flowed from where the broken pottery had cut it.

As she looked at the piece in her hand and then at the rest on the floor, an idea came to her, perhaps she could somehow glue back the pieces together. To her, the time and the effort would be worth it - she loved the vase because of she loved her grandmother greatly and it represented what was left of her grandmother's memory.

As she tried putting the pieces together, the broken pieces cut her fingers. Her fingers hurt. Droplets of blood dripped, staining the broken pieces of the vase. Unbiddingly, images came into her mind as she looked at it. Memories of the past washed through her. Her life had been one of brokeness too. Many times, when the past came back to haunt her, she felt her life had been broken just like the fragmented bits before her.

When those who loved her have tried to help her, because of what she was, she hurt those who try to help her - just like when she tried to put together the pieces of the broken vase. Just as she tried to piece the vase together out of love for her grandmother, they tried to fix her together again out of love for the Father and for her.

As she continued in her train of thought, her fingers throbbing, she wondered if she should continue fixing the vase and it if would be worth it - after all, it'll never be the same again. The thought came to her, would those who are helping her in turn stop helping her? Would they continue to love her even though she hurt them? After all, what use was she when she was only a piece of broken clay - never sure if she would ever be whole again....

Disconcerting

It's been a rather disconcerting day - one where I feel that I've been going through the motions and yet feel I'm going nowhere and accomplished nothing... Weird...

Rest

Thank You for this day of rest...
Thank You for dreams...
Thank You for friends and family...
Thank You for providence...
Thank You for music - an expression of the soul...
Thank You for Your love...
Thank You...

My Dream

I've been confronted with my dream again
How I long for its fulfillment
So many years have passed since the dream began
Never completely fading

Each year the question arises, is it time?
When will it happen?

There is a sense of gnawing deep within
A sense of expectation mingled with a little fear
Will the dream ever come true?
Will I be too old when it happens?
Will it meet my expectations?
Will I miss the opportunity?
Will the opportunity even come?

I don't have all the answers
Only He knows
But I yearn
I yearn and hope for the day
Where I will live out my dream
The dream that He has placed in me from long, long ago...

Thought

I feel like the stupidest person on this earth right now...

A letter to my beloved friends

Though it's like 3 am in the morning now - and I can hear cheering from the room where some gung-ho STM people are watching football - and there's picnic, Doulos outing and MBS visitation at 9, I feel a need to blog this entry (in view of what I went through in the past week)...

I think my rough period has passed (hopefully completely *cross fingers*)... Lots of my thoughts have been sorted out and am feeling almost 'myself' again...

THANK YOU
I want to thank God for these people in my life who's especially seen me through this time (hahah - this seems like a credit of some sort, but I've learnt over and over again that there is a lack of affirmation and much criticism.... In view of how terrible the last week was to me, I'm truly grateful for you guys):
Gerrad: Your sms-es and words of comfort have encouraged me and I thank you heaps...
Silvester, Doulos, Jacob and Lucy: for being yourselves around me in this time (whether or not you know what I've been going through), you guys bring joy to me -in my darkest hours, I could smile because of you...
Lee Yng: For your prayers and your concern for me
My family: I think you guys were clueless about what was going on - I just seemed tired all the time to you - but you being my family and being there helped me be where I am today (the ice cream at BR, the family sharing and just being together helped me to regain my perspective) you guys are more important to me than you'll ever know.... Thank you for loving me...

Vanessa: Thanks for your concern and your little hugs.. :)

Victor: Though you were only around for a night, it was good having that short chat with you... Miss you more than I thought I would- value your presence and your advice very much...
My room mate: for our talks, though you prolly will never read this, ironically, my being in the room more often made us closer friends and has been my brightest spot last week... I appreciated our sharing.... You being the room helped me somewhat from going too insane and perhaps crying too much...
Shermie: For not pushing it and giving me much space..
Especially to Dan: For your constant SMS-es which came at the darkest periods (especially when I was alone in my room). For constantly checking up on me - I told you d - it helped a lot knowing that you cared and 'felt' what I was going through...

Thanks guys for being great friends and family to me... I am blessed to have you in my life- to know that despite my darkest hours and moods, you guys still love and accept me... It means a whole lot to me... Love you guys very much...

SORRY
I am so so soooooo SORRY - to the person who I wrote the previous entry about.... If you guessed it right and thought it was you... Am so sorry for hurting you... Please forgive me... There was NO EXCUSE for what I wrote...

Jumbled...

I hate stupid insensitive inconsiderate people. I'll prolly regret saying this but at the moment I am just feeling downright irritated at being robbed of my 'thinking time' by a somewhat insensitive lout. Very uncharitable thoughts are in my mind and feel like cursing(Shocker - I know - It just is an indication of the unstableness fo my mind).. Am already worried that I'll say or do things that hurt people I love in this time - so please understand if I keep a distance from or avoid you...

Just when I was feeling better last nite(was almost my normal self - I think having my family around me helped... and Ice Cream too!), this morning I am assailed by a fresh new case of 'the blues'. Not as bad as the last few days but I'm sure there's melancholy lingering in my eyes... Thought I'd been able to hide it in the past week - but apparently it's been obvious to close friends. Being an open book has its disadvantages... I want to go home and just hide in my bed. *sigh* but I guess I'm going to have to survive today one step at a time again.

I hope this storm blows over soon, if not, I'll need strength from Him. I feel so tired and just want to sleep all the time...

He will carry me

Today has been slightly better...

Have been listening to this song and it speaks to a part deep within..
Am reminded again though I may not 'feel' it at the moment, He will carry me...
I see a glimmer of light...

HE WILL CARRY ME - Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

CHORUS
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

BRIDGE
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

Melancholic thoughts

Warning: Read the following at your own peril - skip it if you want to remain in a cheerful disposition.







Melancholy has become my cloak
One that is not easily shrugged off
Where it first felt awkward
It's beginning to be tolerated

There's a sense of disturbing calmness
A calm before a storm
A painful numbness
Oh for blissful joy -if only for a while
Yet happiness eludes just when you thought you've grasped it

In company, laughter may be heard
Though deep inside the sadness lurks
Hiding behind every smile
Waiting to smother when one is alone

Oh for days that was once full of colour
Now it just seems mostly bleak and gray
Maybe things won't ever be the same
Maybe I need to get used to the gray-ness
And see the colour in it

Are You there?
You seem so far away
I seek You but cannot seem to find You
I call - again and again
There is silence

Just when I feel that I cannot take it anymore
I feel a fleeting comforting touch from You
If only to preserve my sanity

My heart cries and longs for more than that
It feels like a withering leaf
Parched and dry
A haunting thought prevails - do You love me???
I KNOW in my head and through experience that Your love for me is real
But I need to feel Your love to envelope me once again
Instead of this discomfiting forlornness
How will I make it through tomorrow otherwise?
I dread another today

Author's note: Went to theology class today and was reminded by people who are suffering and persecution for their faith in China. In view of this, what is written above may seem shallow.... But it does not make it less real to me..

Lost-ness

I must confess to be rather disturbed by a comment a friend made today. Am strongly reminded again of how my perception of me differs from those around me. It was as if they were talking about someone else- and yet, I wonder if there was any basis for the conclusions as it was apparently agreed by a few people(granted, it was not formed by those close to me but it still rankled). Perhaps I'm letting the remark bother more than it should. But I guess it isn't surprising under the circumstances - don't quite seem to be myself...

There seems to be a sense of uncertainty and just 'lost'ness. I can't quite put my finger on it but it something seems to be just not right. Sadness lurks beneath the surface - not the bleak kind - but just... sadness.... It seems to be easier to shake off during the day but it returns when I'm alone with my thoughts. My own company seems to be unsatisfactory and yet the thought of choosing to be with people in a group is rather disagreeable at the moment... *sigh* Talk about being idiotic...

Well, at least I have something to look forward to tomorrow evening....