To get unstuck

A: I don't know how to get unstuck

B: The only wrong thing is.. to do nothing...

From: House S5E14

I stand in awe - Parachute Band

Tired

It can't be because of lack of sleep - I've definitely been having an average of more than 8 hours a night. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's an emotional thing.

Dear Lord, I'm just feeling so tired.

One day at a time

Over the weekend, a good friend of mine reminded me to take one day at a time - especially when I shared my anxiety in returning to the seminary for my final semester. A lot of fears were crowding me in - how I was going to fit back in, if I would be able to finish up assignments still pending, if I'd return to my depressed state when I get back.

I've definitely been doing much better in the last two weeks - being back at the church office among people who has always been like family to me and encourage me on in my journey (even though they may not be for seminary studies themselves) has helped me a lot to keep on going. Aunty Lai Sheong and Aunty Irene reassures me that they are always praying for me. Sue has been taking me out for meals and just listening to my woes. Dennis, reminds me of servanthood with his ever cheerful attitude, listening ear and willingness to help others. Uncle Nicky who tries to make me laugh, Leon and EJ who welcome me into their room when I just need peers to just talk about inconsequential stuff. Pr Aaron who tries to connect with me and asks how I'm doing every morning. Especially, there's Pr Choon Meow who's always concerned about where I am and trying to help me move on - listening to my thoughts and giving me gentle advice for hours on end. There are days when I've been so hard on myself that his constant acceptance of me has helped me to see God's love in the midst of it all and helped me to heal. I think that every church should have a pastor like him. There's even my ministry boss Adrian who, though he doesn't say much, reminds me how much I need to keep on going for what's ahead.

I've been better that I was able to worship lead on Sunday morning AND afternoon! Lots of people came up that morning and told me that they were ministered to. I felt really humbled as most of the songs that I chose for the Sunday morning service spoke to me in the midst of my struggles these last few months. In the afternoon, I was so glad for my friend, Kar Yong, who was ordained on Sunday afternoon that though I felt rather overwhelmed, I could keep on going. I had a good cry when I went home but I'm glad to have survived the day - two weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to make it at all.

It's still been up and down for me - but God has been really good. I enjoyed yesterday's quiet day - for once we were encouraged to be silent for 5 hours and just to seek God. Personally, it was no difficulty - there has been days when I rarely spoke in the last few months. For me, it was just good because in the first hour it struck me that I was among a LOT of people after being mostly alone in the last few months and for a while I thought I was going to have another panic attack. The silent time gave me time to turn back to God for strength to stay on till the end of the service at 4.30pm. The passages on Elijah really spoke to me and reminded me of God's love and care for me in the midst of my feeling overwhelmed.

It's my second day back in STM today and I'm glad to say that I'm still hanging on. As I settle stuff for this semester, I'm able to say that a small part of me is glad to be back. I'm thankful for lecturers who have been really understanding and have been kind to me in so many ways. I suppose that I expected some of them to be more cross or harsh with me but they have been very caring. I have also been given a little more time and space to settle a few more things - of which I am VERY grateful for. Out of concern for me, one lecturer even forbid me from being involved in one of the STM projects when one of my friends tried to get me involved. I'm also thankful for my friends who are trying to watch out for me during this time and at the same time understanding that I can't be with them all this week (cos I still need some time to go back to my shell).

Most of all, I'm super thankful that it looks like I'll be able to graduate this year after all. It's been quite a big question mark for me in the last few months.

For those of you who are reading this, I ask for you to continue to pray for me as I go on this final lap of my journey in the seminary. For now, I'll keep on taking my good friend's advice and take one day at a time. :)

Prayer

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

* Psalm 27:7-9 *

Thoughts

I'm worried and a bit anxious (ok, maybe more than a bit). I know that You said not to be. I know You said to be thankful and to submit my requests to you. I am thankful. I'm thankful for this last week to be where I am. I'm thankful for being able to laugh. I'm thankful for the times when I don't feel so stupid or useless.

BUT.....

Every time I think of what's ahead, of moving from here, I'm worried. It's like I'm suffocating and I almost can't breathe.

I don't know. Perhaps it means that I don't trust in You enough.

The thing is, I do believe in You. Help me to overcome my unbelief.

Silence

This songs just so speaks to where I am right now.


Are You listening to anything that I say?
'Cause I've been praying
How many prayers can I pray?
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking I can't hear You
How much longer will this last?

C:
So okay- answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust
You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay - answer me with silence

Why do I question Your intentions for me?
When Your affection is a proven legacy
Oh Father, Father Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

For Fun

From: Comics.com

A tiny step

Came out of 'my shell' just for a little while today - and it was nice. :)

Live To Worship

A simple offering is all that we bring
We give our lives, claim you as King
We are Your servants
And before You we bow
With every breath we make this vow

CHORUS
We will live to worship, give You praise
With all our hearts for all our days
Father we want to do what You created us to
We will live to worship You

Our every moment is a gift of Your grace
We are all Yours, now and always
More than just words, O Lord
The cry of our hearts -
Is to let our lives speak of how great You are

B:
You are worthy, You are holy
You alone are deserving
You are holy, You are worthy
You alone are deserving

Just for fun

From: Yahoo Photos

Expressing stuff

Ever have the feeling when you're super upset and there's this turmoil of emotions within? And there's all these words stuck deep down and it just doesn't come out either because you'll break into pieces or it's just super stuck? And in the end, all you can do is put on a stoic face and say 'ok'... But it frustrates you all the more, because you can't express what's going on within you and you leave the other person totally clueless(and totally misunderstand you). It's like that with me nowadays.

O Thou, in Whose presence

O Thou, in Whose presence my soul takes delight
On Whom in affliction I call
My comfort by day, and my song in the night,
My hope, my salvation, my all.

Where dost thou, dear Shepherd.
Resort with thy sheep,
To feed them in pastures of love?
Say, why in the valley of death should I weep,
Or alone in this wilderness rove?

Oh why should I wander, an alien from Thee,
Or cry in the desert for bread?
Thy foes will rejoice when my sorrows they see,
And smile at the tears I have shed.

He looks, and ten thousands of angels rejoice,
And myriads wait for His word;
He speaks and eternity, filled with His voice,
Re-echoes the praise of the Lord.

Dear Shepherd, I hear and will follow Thy call,
I know the sweet sound of Thy voice.
Restore and defend me, for Thou art my all,
And in Thee I will ever rejoice.

To Keep on Going

It's been two months - almost three. To my friends who I know care about me - I'm sorry for not picking up calls or replying sms-es (or take a long time to do so). Thank you for not giving up or caring for me. Maybe it's the fear of getting tongue tied or am just not ready yet - most days, answering the phone or getting online seems to be the hardest thing to do. I seem to have this need to be alone. Else it feels as if all that I'm trying to put together will shatter - that I will shatter. Worse still, remain broken forever. Nevertheless, for those who do get through to me at opportune times(on days when I'm up to it), thank you for not giving up. Your encouragements
during those times help me to keep on going. It helps to know that I'm still not alone.

In some sense I've been in a shell - sort of like the Malay saying 'katak di bawah tempurung' (frog under the coconut shell). And in another sense, I've been on a journey - one of which I've can't seem to see the end at the moment. It's been a hard one so far. Most days I find myself crying - though it's now mostly on the inside and there are now more days where things almost seem normal. Somewhere along the line, I've slipped and almost lost my faith (and have thought about what it would be like to die) but God in His mercy seems to be reassuring me in different ways that He is with me.

Someone reminded me a couple of weeks ago - to keep on taking steps.. Even if it's one a day. Even if it's just a baby one. Am taking that advice to heart. Though it seems most days that to take that one step is costing everything I have. Though it's hard to go on these last two weeks cos my mentor's away and I've been super sick. When I look back these last two months, perhaps I'm not moving as much as people think I should - or it doesn't look as if I've moved. To me, I've moved farther than where I thought I could go two months ago. And it's given me hope - to keep on going.

His Strength Is Perfect

Thanks to Siew Hoong who emailed me this link. It started another bout, but it was a great reminder for me where I am now - that I can take the next step.. Even though it might be a baby one.

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in his power the weak becomes strong
His strength is perfect

Sigh

Have faith in God

Still holding on. Sometimes barely.
Still waiting for dawn to break.

Have Faith In God
Oh Lord You guide me
Through all the darkness
Turning my nights into day
And You'll never leave me
Never forsake me
The power of the presence of God

Have faith in God
Let your hope rest on the faith
He has placed in your heart
Never give up, never let go of the faith
He has placed in your heart

Current speed

Current speed - 45 words/hour.

*sigh.

It's frustrating.

It used to be 6-7 times that.

I'm thankful though.

It's not zero words/hour.

It is finished

It's been excruciatingly agonizing for me but have FINALLY finished. One down, four more to go.

In Your Presence

CHORUS
In Your presence
That's where I am strong
In Your presence
O Lord my God
In Your presence
That's where I belong
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the Rock
In Your presence O God

VERSE 1
I want to go where the rivers cannot overflow me
Where my feet are on the rock
I want to hide where the blazing fire cannot burn me
In Your presence O God

VERSE 2
I want to hide where the flood of evil cannot reach me
Where I'm covered by the blood
I want to be where the schemes of darkness cannot touch me
In Your presence O God

BRIDGE
You are my firm foundation
I trust in You all day long
I am Your child and Your servant
And You are my strength and my song
You're my song