Sermon Struggle

Am preparing for a sermon on Romans 5:1-11 and it's been a struggle. I have been working on and off (admittedly, more off than on) on the passage for the last two-three weeks and feel that I am going nowhere. The passage seems basic and yet deep and I struggle to articulate what's on my mind and heart.

This evening, I bounced some reflective ideas with someone that I highly respect. The feedback that I received was that I'm in danger of being too academic and irrelevant. *groan* My greatest fear coming to life!!! :p On a more positive note, I did manage to find ONE good material that relates to the passage... Yipee Yay!

Happy Birthday Dan!

Hey Dan..
Just want to wish you a very Happy and Blessed Birthday!

You are one of the finest friend a person can have... Thanks for being a good friend to me this past year. I've been truly blessed by your friendship.

God Bless.

Ramblings

I find myself 'stoning' in front of the computer... So, after a few minutes, when my brain cells started kicking in again, I decided 'why not blog?'...
Things here are picking up - it seems to be going from slow to fast to faster. It's around 4.30 now and I've absolutely spent most of my focus today getting stuff done for the Children Vacation Workshop. My eyes are feeling droopy and my brain is generally protesting for a rest. I 've been so engrossed in my work that I totally forgot to call one of my friend to say good bye.. *sigh*... That 10 minutes(in which i was supposed to call him) turned to 2 hours before I realised how much time flew away. *sigh*...

Despite my complaint, I do love being back and the change of pace. I have quite a few roles at the moment- Christmas Musical director, help out with Christmas service, Cross Gen committtee, Camp Commandant for Children's Vacation Workshop, prepare for my sermon (includes exegesis) to the church staff *gulp*and my current role as Worship Coordinator. As I've informed one of my friends online, at least when I get bored with one job, I can change to another I get back to it after.

I find myself generally getting tired out at the end of the day.. When I get back, if I have no guests for dinner or no meetings, I just do the chores and play with my dogs and just savour the evening with my mum by talking or watching tv with her.

Other than all that, I've been bombarded with lots of thoughts as I go back to working in the church office. When I win the struggle with the lack of time, I'll try to blog down my reflections (I've attempted starting an entry or two but only got as far as the title - the window was left open for the rest of the day but just couldn't get any further. also, as it is, keeping a certain 20 minutes of solitude in the morning is already an uphill battle many times - I have to constantly remind myself that the work can wait and the emails that need to be read won't multiply by a hundred if i don't check it then and there). :P

That being said, I'm glad to be home - I love times with my family, I love playing with my dogs in the evening, I am glad to slowly connect back with my friends here (though I do feel the absence of my STM friends greatly at times - I look forward to seeing them again in 7 weeks or so)....

Ok... It's time to stop rambling and get back to the pile of work (which I'll see through by the grace of God)..

Happy Birthday Sis!

To My Dear Sis,

A Very Blessed Birthday to you!!! I hope this day will be a special one for you (though you're having your exams shortly).

I'm blessed to have you in my life as my sis and I love you very much!!

A B-day Prayer

Dear Creator, Father and Friend,
Thank You for this day- for creating me on this day so many years ago. Thank You for the gift of life.
Thank You for always being there -especially during the many times when I've desperately needed You. Thank You for Your love, guidance and assurance along my journey in life. I love You more than I could ever express.

Thank You so much for loving parents who have brought me up in Your ways - I don't know what I'd do without them. I've been especially blessed to have them and my siblings in my life as You've used them to mould me and refine me in so many areas of my life. They've been my conscience, my safety net and my companions in my journey of life. Thank You for the joy and the sorrow that shared in the past years.

Thank You too for the many people who You've placed in my life. Thank You especially for many great and wonderful friends who You've placed in my life throughout my journey thus far. I've learnt so much about You through them. They've enriched my life in many ways and I am who I am today because of them. They have been great blessings in my life as they show me different facets of You. I've learnt to treasure each one of them just because....

Thank You for the bad in my life - though I've hated them at the time, I now see that though it was painful and sad at times, I am the better for it. And even if I'm not, they teach me that I need You more and more and not to depend on myself.

Thank You for the many blessings in my life - for the many lessons taught. I've learnt to treasure each moment because they are a gift from You. I look back and I see that I've come so far. I look ahead and there's lots more to go and I thank You that You're going to be with me each and every step. I look forward to the coming year and the adventure with You that's ahead.

Your beloved child,
Ruth

Being back in the church office

This week has been a time of adjustment back to the church office. In the past week, some STM close friends stayed over, I attended a wedding and an ordination service - all which means that I'm still seeing STM people - which have made the transition of being home more bearable. I do miss people at STM(especially my close friends) quite a bit.

Being back at the office means busy-ness. Have just been given a list of assignments (on top of the ones that I've set for myself previously) and am closed to being overwhelmed. I expected lots of work but somehow, just not this much! *groan* Anyways, I'm sure once the momentum gets going, it should be cope-able.

Though things don't seem to have changed much in the office, I realise more and more that I've changed in the past year - especially in the way that I view church. I do see things that contradicts what I've come to believe and I struggle with those issues. "What do I do?" is foremost in my mind. I'm concerned of sounding overly critical and being misunderstood. I'm also concerned that I give wrong advise as I am still in the process of working out the issues. Just because others think that you are a Bible Seminary student, they tend to assume you have THE answers and that is somewhat daunting.

Well these are my thoughts thus far. I do hope to blog more often on my journey as I do my practical in church. I'm sure I'll have a fair bit of material as I try to apply what I've learnt in and out of classes in STM this year.

The fragility of life

Tears streamed down her weathered brown cheeks. The aura of sadness that surrounded her touched those who gathered around. Thoughts raced through her confused and grief filled mind. What made today different from tomorrow? The sun still shone, the birds still sang, mist still shrouded the surrounding mountains. And yet… he will never come back again. Where has he gone? Will I ever see him again one day? What will happen to my children? What will they do without their father? How will I feed their constantly hungry bellies in the meantime? Oh – what do I do now? Why has this happened to us – isn’t life already hard enough?
Darkness waited at the edges of her thoughts – waiting to drown her in oblivion.

Around her in the already cramped hut she called home, the villagers gathered – consoling her the best way they knew how. Some offered their condolences, some prayed, some rubbed her hands to sooth her and others just sat –sharing her grief with her through the silence.

In the next room, other villagers gathered. A body wrapped in cloth lay in the center of the room (as the family was too poor to afford a coffin). Life seems so fragile. Just earlier that morning, that same body was filled with breath of life. He went with his little son to build a long promised chicken coop for the family and suddenly, a huge rotten tree branch fell on him. With his 6 year old son overlooking and a last cry from him, he died – pinned down by its heavy branches.

Where oh soul have you gone? How does one console your widow? What will happen to your family? Where oh God were you in all this? Did you permit this to happen? Has he gone back to you – though he only desired to know you but was held back by something? Where, how, why, what – so many questions remain unanswered….


* On Monday when I visited an OA village. That morning, the head of the family passed away tragically as a rotting tree gave way and fell on him. I wrote this as a reflection of what I saw when my family went to visit the family of the deceased.

1st Year at Seminary's over!

Wow - the last 10 months has flown very quickly. My first academic year at Bible Seminary has come to an end. It's been a great 10 months of learning - despite its many struggles. The journey has been an awesome one. I continually thank God for good friends along the way who have held me up in those difficult times especially who have helped me through the many times when I've wondered if I'd make it. They have been amazing. I'm truly blessed to know and have them them in my life.

As I look back, I am continually amazed to see where I've gone in my journey in the past year in Bible Seminary. I am thankful for what I've learnt in my struggles as I continue to grow in my faith journey. There's still much to learn and so much growing to do but I'll leave that to God and take one thing at a time.

I'm now glad to be back in the church office for the next two months and work out what I've learnt in seminary. Though lots of work are piling and lots of things are ahead - I'm rather glad of the break from studies.

The gap between should be's and what is

I find myself struggling with what I should be and reality.
- I should be finished with my assignments by now but I have two left
- I should talk with several friends but I just can't at the moment
- I should be well (after all, I've been drinking water and resting a lot) but I seem to more worse off than two days ago
- I should be more of a blessing to others instead of thinking of my struggles but that's so far off in reality
- I should be seeking God's favour instead of man but I find myself failing so often
- I should be strong yet I find that I am weak
- I should read more, grow more and stay on top of things but am just helpless to do so

The struggle continues and wears me out sometimes but I am reminded that I need depend on Him more and more.

Somedays I ask...

Some days I ask, what on earth am I doing here?
- when the need is great and there is not enough help.
Though I may not be able to save the world, I can reach out to at least one.

Some days I ask, will I ever be ready for the work ahead?
- when the head knowledge surpasses heart knowledge.
I struggle with doing the things that I know I should do
and do things that I know I shouldn't.

Some days I ask, with all I know, what can I do?
- when I am but a small pawn compared to the giants who makes the decisions.

I ask these questions and wonder, not having answers..
And yet, I can but put my trust in You - in Your plans and will for me.

In my weakness

Be my strength..
I am so weak..

Moving on...

A thought just came to me while I was doing my assignment:
It's just funny how you can go on without certain things that you previously thought of as essential to your existence/things that will enable you to move on.

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to


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Doing my church work, assignments, reflection of this semester and listening to music at almost the same time (I hear Dan's voice in my head telling me to 'focus'! *grin*).. This song above just really ministered to me once again - so apt in view of my journey thus far.

Awesome Pastorate Group Mission Trip

Salty drops of sweat dripped unheeded down their brow. Their hands were too busy shovelling, hoeing, carrying dirt, mixing and cementing to pay heed. Eventually, their bodies and shirt were drenched with sweat and covered with a layer of dirt. Specks of dust rested on their hair. Arms and feet that were unused to hard labour ached. The smell of freshly dug soil blended with the cool fresh air. The air was filled with a mix of the sound of laughter, the sound of voices as stories were shared, the sound of the hammer banging, birds chirping, monkeys chattering, music blaring from the radio and the clucks of chicken who could be seen pecking at fat juicy worms that have been disturbed from their hiding place due to the digging of the earth. There was a sense of wonder, contentment and peace as they laboured together....




************************************************

Am back from mission trip!! Above is a short description of our experience as my pastorate group worked alongside with a team from Doulos on a building project in the jungle- in the midst of nature. My arms, legs and back are totally aching (it was really funny - cos everyone in my group groaned whenever we stood up or sat down today- climbing staircases was an ordeal too) and one side of my right leg is swollen cos of an insect bite. :P Nevertheless, the past few days has been a totally awesome experience... (photos here)

My amazing pastorate group Kirubai (Grace) members.


I've learnt so much about my pastorate group members and got to see a totally different side of them- this trip seems to have brought out the best in them. Somehow, before this trip, though we met only once a week, the ice was still unbroken. Once we picked up shovels and cangkul on Monday when we arrived at the village, the ice broke in a very big way as we worked together.

My respect for one my pastorate group members - Moses- has gone up by many notches.. He could still play volleyball when we got back!!! It was just amazing especially he since he carried several bags of 50kilos bags of cement down the steep hill and he weighs less than that(I kid you not!) ... As a comparison, it took the other 4 guys(Anthony Ho, Chris Dali, Takeshi and Lim) to carry ONE bag down the hill. To hear their story, it was very hillarious. We were laughing till we cried during our group sharing last nite.

As for Takeshi and Vicky - they were real troupers. Working hard doing whatever that needs to be done. Takeshi seemed to be all over the place - accomplishing whatever he did efficiently and enthusiastically (he broke 2 shovel handles in the process-the look on his face was just priceless. Pastor joked about how the shovels were not Japanese made and therefore inferior to Takeshi's expectations. Lol).. Vicky was always so smiley - no matter how tired or tough things got. She was even smiling when we were carrying all the heavy materials down the hill. The rest of us were all busy looking serious - trying to concentrate on carrying our stuff and worrying about not falling down the steep slope at the same time. We were also a bit worried about the imminent rain wetting the cement bags.

Had a glimpse of another side of Anthony and Maryanne. They were quiet - but chipped in in whatever they could help out with. It was the same with Chris and Lim. Even Pastor Joseph was just simply amazing. He could have complained that he was old and took a step back. Instead, he was in the middle of everything we did. He was one of the first to grab hold of the shovel and started shovelling and clearing the area for the church that we were building. Yesterday, he and some of the guys worked into digging a 4 feet deep hole to build a toilet. They worked really hard at it and it took them hours to complete the task. They were really wiped out at the end of it. No one could walk a straight line due to exhaustion at the end of the day.

I was really proud of my group. They put in everything they had. Even the Doulos team that was with us were just amazed at the things everyone accomplished.

Sharing lives
I especially loved the sharing of lives and sharing of stories. From Uncle Brian (a family friend and someone partnering with dad in ministry), we heard stories of the struggles of the OAs and the challenges of the ministry.

I've learnt so much more about my pastorate group members too, about their backgrounds, their struggles and their dreams.

I loved hanging out with the Doulos team. There were six of them. SK from Korea, Daniel from Switzerland (leader of the team and a former postman), BJ from Norway (she's a carpenter and just such an encouragement to everyone), Caroline from USA (She worked alongside with my bro in the Book Ex on the ship), Nyree (from Melbourne, Australia and a teacher on the ship) and Kotie (She's from South Africa and is a teacher on the ship. She's also the youngest member in the team).. I was really blessed as I sat down with them to hear their stories and their struggles as they serve on board the ship.


Memorable moments

• Sharing from Lim about how he saw another side to Camerons - and how he was just really challenged. His sharing brought tears to our eyes.
• The spontaneous reading of the Bible to encourage one another in the open air
• How everyone worked together in unity despite differences in race, culture and gender
• Our sharing of meals together. During lunch, though everyone was covered in grime and there was dust everywhere, we were really thankful for the simple fare and we shared our meagre food with one another.
• Sharing of stories
• Today's trip to the organic farm and meeting uncle Fang. He's such a philosophical farmer. Though not a Christian, his sharing was a challenge to us in our faith. Learning about the workings of the farm was pretty wonderful too.
• Praying together for a sick elderly OA lady. There were tears in her eyes as we prayed though I remember feeling so helpless and wished we could do more for her.

It was such an exciting time that I almost forgot about Greek test (till Moses reminded me last nite). *grin* I missed my closest friends in STM though - wished that they could be there too. Maybe next time.

Thank you God for these past few days. You've taught me so many new things. Thank You for reminding me of the things you have placed in my heart that I've forgotten. Though the last 3 days it's been so packed with stuff and the time has been so short, it's been really amazing! You are just so amazing. Thank You, thank You, thank You!!!

Travelling Week

Whoa... This week's been one of zipping here, there and everywhere(*grin*)... Here's my itinerary since last Wednesday..


Wednesday nite: Seremban->KL->Seremban - High Praise and go back to STM
Friday: Seremban -> JB - Friend's Wedding
Saturday: JB -> PJ - Go back to attend church 40th anniversary
Sunday: PJ -> Malacca -> Seremban - Go back to STM (before that go to Malacca to visit mum's friend)
Monday: Seremban -> Camerons - Go for pastorate group mission trip
Wednesday: Camerons -> Seremban - Head back to STM

It's Sunday and I'm now back in Seremban. The travelling has been tiring but it's been fun in it's own way. Reminds me of the good old days when my family used to travel all over Malaysia during the hols. *contented tired grin*

Happy 40th Birthday - PJEFC

Have been busy these past few weeks as my church gears up for our 40th anniversary celebration this Sunday. I had an awesome time last nite (wednesday nite) as both young and old gathered for High Praise(extended worship) and prayer that lasted from 8pm till 12midnite. It was held as part and parcel of the anniversary celebration. It was also just wonderful to see everyone rallying together during the High Praise to pray for Uncle Sam's well being as he undergoes tests and surgery.

Other than that, just thought to come out from my blog hibernation and 'pen down' some thoughts about my church.

I've been in PJEFC since I was a little girl of 8 years old. I've grown up with the church... I remember being scared of going to a new Sunday school(I think I even cried) - but I remember uncle Yee Khiam who was very welcoming and very funny and I eventually felt at home in Sunday School... When I was in my teens, I went through rough patches and I remember that I loved going to church - it seemed like a place of refuge when things seemed tough at home. I remember that I just loved being in the sanctuary and just playing on the grand piano on Saturdays when no one was around. Uncles and Aunties and friends seem to comfort me and they always seemed more like family. I remember me and my best friend, Myra talking about how we loved being in church and that it felt weird when we missed being there on a Sunday- even if we were away on holidays. It seems like my life have very much been intertwined with PJEFC.

When I think of PJEFC, I don't just think about the building. Many faces comes to mind - people whom I have grown up with and have journeyed with me in my faith; people who have laughed and cried with me; people who have helped me and supported me whenever I was at crossroads; people who I knew cared for me the best they knew how despite not understanding where I came from sometimes; people whom God has used and moulded me to be who I am today; people who have been an example of Christ to me in certain areas of my life. Many have come and gone through the doors of the church. PJEFC is not exactly a 'perfect church' and there are many flaws and still so many things to work through. There have been times when we wondered if the church would make it through certain situations. There have been times when I and many within the church have contemplated moving on to other chruches. When I think about certain periods, despite our flaws and where many churches would have ceased to function, by God's grace, we have come through those times and seem to flourish even more. It's just amazing... We never expected or planned to be where we are today. We acknowledge that it's only by God's grace that we are where we are.

Happy 40th Birthday PJEFC! May God's blessing be upon You and see You through another 40 years! Thank You for all the memories. Thank You God for PJEFC. :)

Hibernation

*yawn*
*stretch*
*open one eye*
*groan*
*close eye*
*yawn*
*making zzzs...*

Trying to wake up from my blogging hibernation... I think I'll sleep a little longer and wake up another day.

Blogging break

I'm taking a break from blogging for now. I find myself starting several entries halfway and somehow not completing them -partly because of terrible connection. Have also been feeling tired more often this week. Hopefully next week will be better. Thanks to those who have been encouraging me to blog. Do continue to have patience with me.

Broken pieces...

"Crash!"
She rushed into the living room. Oreos looked at her, his face looked guilty, his tail drooped. Next to him, her precious vase lay broken. She felt dismayed at the lost of the vase- not because it was costly - but because it was of great sentimental value to her. Though it was not much to look at, it was the only legacy left to her by her grandmother who passed away a long time ago. Heartbroken and still somewhat in shock, unthinkingly, she picked up a piece of the shattered pottery. A sharp pain shot through her hand - blood flowed from where the broken pottery had cut it.

As she looked at the piece in her hand and then at the rest on the floor, an idea came to her, perhaps she could somehow glue back the pieces together. To her, the time and the effort would be worth it - she loved the vase because of she loved her grandmother greatly and it represented what was left of her grandmother's memory.

As she tried putting the pieces together, the broken pieces cut her fingers. Her fingers hurt. Droplets of blood dripped, staining the broken pieces of the vase. Unbiddingly, images came into her mind as she looked at it. Memories of the past washed through her. Her life had been one of brokeness too. Many times, when the past came back to haunt her, she felt her life had been broken just like the fragmented bits before her.

When those who loved her have tried to help her, because of what she was, she hurt those who try to help her - just like when she tried to put together the pieces of the broken vase. Just as she tried to piece the vase together out of love for her grandmother, they tried to fix her together again out of love for the Father and for her.

As she continued in her train of thought, her fingers throbbing, she wondered if she should continue fixing the vase and it if would be worth it - after all, it'll never be the same again. The thought came to her, would those who are helping her in turn stop helping her? Would they continue to love her even though she hurt them? After all, what use was she when she was only a piece of broken clay - never sure if she would ever be whole again....

Disconcerting

It's been a rather disconcerting day - one where I feel that I've been going through the motions and yet feel I'm going nowhere and accomplished nothing... Weird...