Ramblings

This path I've been taking for the last month has been a rough one. I'm still slowly trudging along and I'm still not sure where it's leading. Most days, the weather has been cloudy... On some rare days, like today, there has been a little sunshine... And often enough, there has been storms - the kind where you can but hide and wait it out.

Many are the days that I wish for the old path - the comfortable, familiar road.. But, I'm beginning to realise that it'll never be the same again... I'll never be the same again... In some sense, I barely recognise myself and it's a rather disconcerting and discomfiting experience. Some days I wonder if I just can't seem to be with people at the moment because it's weird to love oneself when one barely seems to know oneself and therefore find it hard to relate to others. I hate the awkwardness I seem to cause when I'm with others - even/especially with people I know who cares. It's just easier to be alone right now until things are worked out.

I'm conscious that the decisions I make during this time will have an important ramifications for what's ahead - and some of those decisions are hard to make at the moment... I've had countless reminders from people who care that they're there for me and praying for me - something I appreciate very much, even though sometimes they catch me when I'm in one of my 'low moments' and I'd just rather be alone.

In preparing for pastoral group today, I've been reminded that I do have a lot to be thankful for.. I wrote down the whole list of people who tell me that they are praying for me, that they are there when I need to someone to talk to (I'm just not very inclined to do so most days at the moment) and I was a little overwhelmed when I realised that it was a quite a long list of people. I'm quite thankful that I can be at home in this time - my family has been very supportive.. Though he does not understand completely what is going on, my dad cheered me up immensely when he brought down a puppy for me yesterday. Am still deciding a name for it - but she's quite adorable though she's not exactly good looking- she's really tiny and perhaps it's her vulnerability that seems to speak to me at the moment.

I've also come to appreciate things certain things more - laughter, being able to wake up, family, friends and being alone... I've still a distance to go on this journey, and most days I wonder if I can keep on going when my strength and faith seems so frail.. I've been reminded to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.. He's still working on me...