Broken pieces...

"Crash!"
She rushed into the living room. Oreos looked at her, his face looked guilty, his tail drooped. Next to him, her precious vase lay broken. She felt dismayed at the lost of the vase- not because it was costly - but because it was of great sentimental value to her. Though it was not much to look at, it was the only legacy left to her by her grandmother who passed away a long time ago. Heartbroken and still somewhat in shock, unthinkingly, she picked up a piece of the shattered pottery. A sharp pain shot through her hand - blood flowed from where the broken pottery had cut it.

As she looked at the piece in her hand and then at the rest on the floor, an idea came to her, perhaps she could somehow glue back the pieces together. To her, the time and the effort would be worth it - she loved the vase because of she loved her grandmother greatly and it represented what was left of her grandmother's memory.

As she tried putting the pieces together, the broken pieces cut her fingers. Her fingers hurt. Droplets of blood dripped, staining the broken pieces of the vase. Unbiddingly, images came into her mind as she looked at it. Memories of the past washed through her. Her life had been one of brokeness too. Many times, when the past came back to haunt her, she felt her life had been broken just like the fragmented bits before her.

When those who loved her have tried to help her, because of what she was, she hurt those who try to help her - just like when she tried to put together the pieces of the broken vase. Just as she tried to piece the vase together out of love for her grandmother, they tried to fix her together again out of love for the Father and for her.

As she continued in her train of thought, her fingers throbbing, she wondered if she should continue fixing the vase and it if would be worth it - after all, it'll never be the same again. The thought came to her, would those who are helping her in turn stop helping her? Would they continue to love her even though she hurt them? After all, what use was she when she was only a piece of broken clay - never sure if she would ever be whole again....

Disconcerting

It's been a rather disconcerting day - one where I feel that I've been going through the motions and yet feel I'm going nowhere and accomplished nothing... Weird...

Rest

Thank You for this day of rest...
Thank You for dreams...
Thank You for friends and family...
Thank You for providence...
Thank You for music - an expression of the soul...
Thank You for Your love...
Thank You...

My Dream

I've been confronted with my dream again
How I long for its fulfillment
So many years have passed since the dream began
Never completely fading

Each year the question arises, is it time?
When will it happen?

There is a sense of gnawing deep within
A sense of expectation mingled with a little fear
Will the dream ever come true?
Will I be too old when it happens?
Will it meet my expectations?
Will I miss the opportunity?
Will the opportunity even come?

I don't have all the answers
Only He knows
But I yearn
I yearn and hope for the day
Where I will live out my dream
The dream that He has placed in me from long, long ago...

Thought

I feel like the stupidest person on this earth right now...

A letter to my beloved friends

Though it's like 3 am in the morning now - and I can hear cheering from the room where some gung-ho STM people are watching football - and there's picnic, Doulos outing and MBS visitation at 9, I feel a need to blog this entry (in view of what I went through in the past week)...

I think my rough period has passed (hopefully completely *cross fingers*)... Lots of my thoughts have been sorted out and am feeling almost 'myself' again...

THANK YOU
I want to thank God for these people in my life who's especially seen me through this time (hahah - this seems like a credit of some sort, but I've learnt over and over again that there is a lack of affirmation and much criticism.... In view of how terrible the last week was to me, I'm truly grateful for you guys):
Gerrad: Your sms-es and words of comfort have encouraged me and I thank you heaps...
Silvester, Doulos, Jacob and Lucy: for being yourselves around me in this time (whether or not you know what I've been going through), you guys bring joy to me -in my darkest hours, I could smile because of you...
Lee Yng: For your prayers and your concern for me
My family: I think you guys were clueless about what was going on - I just seemed tired all the time to you - but you being my family and being there helped me be where I am today (the ice cream at BR, the family sharing and just being together helped me to regain my perspective) you guys are more important to me than you'll ever know.... Thank you for loving me...

Vanessa: Thanks for your concern and your little hugs.. :)

Victor: Though you were only around for a night, it was good having that short chat with you... Miss you more than I thought I would- value your presence and your advice very much...
My room mate: for our talks, though you prolly will never read this, ironically, my being in the room more often made us closer friends and has been my brightest spot last week... I appreciated our sharing.... You being the room helped me somewhat from going too insane and perhaps crying too much...
Shermie: For not pushing it and giving me much space..
Especially to Dan: For your constant SMS-es which came at the darkest periods (especially when I was alone in my room). For constantly checking up on me - I told you d - it helped a lot knowing that you cared and 'felt' what I was going through...

Thanks guys for being great friends and family to me... I am blessed to have you in my life- to know that despite my darkest hours and moods, you guys still love and accept me... It means a whole lot to me... Love you guys very much...

SORRY
I am so so soooooo SORRY - to the person who I wrote the previous entry about.... If you guessed it right and thought it was you... Am so sorry for hurting you... Please forgive me... There was NO EXCUSE for what I wrote...

Jumbled...

I hate stupid insensitive inconsiderate people. I'll prolly regret saying this but at the moment I am just feeling downright irritated at being robbed of my 'thinking time' by a somewhat insensitive lout. Very uncharitable thoughts are in my mind and feel like cursing(Shocker - I know - It just is an indication of the unstableness fo my mind).. Am already worried that I'll say or do things that hurt people I love in this time - so please understand if I keep a distance from or avoid you...

Just when I was feeling better last nite(was almost my normal self - I think having my family around me helped... and Ice Cream too!), this morning I am assailed by a fresh new case of 'the blues'. Not as bad as the last few days but I'm sure there's melancholy lingering in my eyes... Thought I'd been able to hide it in the past week - but apparently it's been obvious to close friends. Being an open book has its disadvantages... I want to go home and just hide in my bed. *sigh* but I guess I'm going to have to survive today one step at a time again.

I hope this storm blows over soon, if not, I'll need strength from Him. I feel so tired and just want to sleep all the time...

He will carry me

Today has been slightly better...

Have been listening to this song and it speaks to a part deep within..
Am reminded again though I may not 'feel' it at the moment, He will carry me...
I see a glimmer of light...

HE WILL CARRY ME - Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

CHORUS
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

BRIDGE
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

Melancholic thoughts

Warning: Read the following at your own peril - skip it if you want to remain in a cheerful disposition.







Melancholy has become my cloak
One that is not easily shrugged off
Where it first felt awkward
It's beginning to be tolerated

There's a sense of disturbing calmness
A calm before a storm
A painful numbness
Oh for blissful joy -if only for a while
Yet happiness eludes just when you thought you've grasped it

In company, laughter may be heard
Though deep inside the sadness lurks
Hiding behind every smile
Waiting to smother when one is alone

Oh for days that was once full of colour
Now it just seems mostly bleak and gray
Maybe things won't ever be the same
Maybe I need to get used to the gray-ness
And see the colour in it

Are You there?
You seem so far away
I seek You but cannot seem to find You
I call - again and again
There is silence

Just when I feel that I cannot take it anymore
I feel a fleeting comforting touch from You
If only to preserve my sanity

My heart cries and longs for more than that
It feels like a withering leaf
Parched and dry
A haunting thought prevails - do You love me???
I KNOW in my head and through experience that Your love for me is real
But I need to feel Your love to envelope me once again
Instead of this discomfiting forlornness
How will I make it through tomorrow otherwise?
I dread another today

Author's note: Went to theology class today and was reminded by people who are suffering and persecution for their faith in China. In view of this, what is written above may seem shallow.... But it does not make it less real to me..

Lost-ness

I must confess to be rather disturbed by a comment a friend made today. Am strongly reminded again of how my perception of me differs from those around me. It was as if they were talking about someone else- and yet, I wonder if there was any basis for the conclusions as it was apparently agreed by a few people(granted, it was not formed by those close to me but it still rankled). Perhaps I'm letting the remark bother more than it should. But I guess it isn't surprising under the circumstances - don't quite seem to be myself...

There seems to be a sense of uncertainty and just 'lost'ness. I can't quite put my finger on it but it something seems to be just not right. Sadness lurks beneath the surface - not the bleak kind - but just... sadness.... It seems to be easier to shake off during the day but it returns when I'm alone with my thoughts. My own company seems to be unsatisfactory and yet the thought of choosing to be with people in a group is rather disagreeable at the moment... *sigh* Talk about being idiotic...

Well, at least I have something to look forward to tomorrow evening....

Blurting out my thoughts

It is rather annoying that when you have so many ideas in your head - there is no computer around to blog. What is also annoying is when you do finally sit down in front of the computer to blog, your mind becomes quite blank. Worse - you know that the thoughts you currently have to blog are far inferior to the ones that you thought about when you did not have the computer and those 'superior' thoughts just eludes you! *sigh*
I guess that I'll just have to make do with my current sub-standard thoughts and hopefully, the 'superior' thoughts will come back while blogging *grimace*.

It's been a long weekend - am facing the fact of the amount of work that I have to do for church.. I've been trying to take it easy and cut my work load. But I'm again faced with the fact that I have to work really hard for something that I'd really like to do - such as attending OM Teenstreet 2006. I really really really hope that my church leaders will let me go for that week. I'm excited about the stuff that's already started for TeenStreet 2006- the availability of a seemingly impossible venue has been one of the greatest barrier that has been overcome and it is only June! 6 more months to TeenStreet!!!

On another note, though tiring, it's been a rather good weekend. I've had opportunities to connect with people and to build friendships. It started with yesterday morning when I auditioned a form one guy for drums. Made conversations with another friend who I've not talked to for a while during lunch and it was really good. Got to talking with one of a long time worship singer and just shared struggles with work and studies. Also talked to another form 5 girl about SPM and about life in the afternoon as well. Also managed to catch up with a fellow worship leader and just to find out what's going on in his life. Then caught up with my dad - who was surprisingly at home instead of Camerons.

This morning, I caught up(very briefly) with another friend who's headed to the mission field for the next month, then made conversations with someone I made friends with 10 years ago but have left the church after he married. It was good to meet up with him again. Got to talking with another worship leader and with DT and catching up with her as well. Am also contemplating taking some vocal lessons from her. Oh well - that's still in contemplation stage. Last but not least, I caught up with 3 other of my service team mates from OM Teenstreet during our reunion this afternoon. We had a great time of catching up with one another - what's going on in each other's lives -alongside with food and drinks. It was great to see Foo Seng and Jin Ai and their 2 month old baby. It was great to see the Val and Ken and Pari too and just to have fellowship with them and to share life stories.

*phew*.... I'm glad I finally finished this entry. It's been a rather long day and i'm just tired d. Another long day ahead tomorrow too. :P

Dear God,
Thank you for friendships and all the people you've placed in my life. Thank you for the restful sleep that i'm about to partake. Good nite...

Spirit to catch up with my body

"We are giving time for our spirits to catch up with our bodies." - saying by Indian guides.

I was reminded of this phrase just yesterday when I came across it in an online journal. I first heard this when I attended a conference at Ps Elisha's church some time ago.

How apt this phrase is for me at the moment! It's been a long week of morning, afternoon and evening of Old Testament Intro. The classes are good - but it still feels like it's been a loooonnnnnggg week... Feel like my spirit really needs to catch up with my body! There's just so much that needs to be absorbed and to go through though. Classes officially starts next week and I foresee taking a week or two to really settle down... So much for my initial plans - am reminded of another saying - "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry". :)

Oh God - help me to continually lean on You and not go ahead of You.

OT intro

Classes has officially started today (Yesterday was 'quiet day' where someone came to speak and we were supposed to do reflections).

As our lecturer for Old Testament Introduction has been sick and our replacement lecturer is due overseas next week, we are having intensive replacement class for the subject before he leaves. This morning we studied the great ancient civilizations - the Egyptian, Aramean and Assyrian civilization. It has been a rather fascinating to learn about the context of Israel in the light of these civilizations. What has struck me the most is God's timing and how God placed Israel where it was - it was just amazing to see the Old Testament within the bigger picture. I think I will never quite read OT the same way ever again. And I now understand a little bit more about God being - the Lord of hosts.

Night before the start of second semester at STM

Current feeling: Contented
Currently listening to: When You Believe (Prince of Egypt)

Am back in my room in STM. It's just absolutely fantastic to be back. Good to see faces that I didn't realised that I missed in the past four weeks.. In the girls dorm, everyone is just welcoming everyone back- it's nice.
Have looked at the timetable for the next week - it looks horrendously busy... So much for my plans to go out for a movie. *sigh* It'll have to be postponed for now. Nevertheless, I am anticipating the new semester and wondering at what I'm going to learn - just can't wait (I'll prolly regret saying this when the assignments start)!!!!! Am just savouring the moment.*contented sigh*



Dear God,
Thank You for Your blessings - for putting me here in STM to study and grow. Most of all, thank You for the blessing of friends around me and ppl in STM community.

Happy Belated Birthday Sherman!

I know that this post comes a day late, but some things just should not be left unsaid (anyways knowing you, the lateness of this post prolly bothers me more than it does you - if it does at all :) ). I'm writing this to express all that I couldn't in the sms.

To my friend Sherman,
Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a great friend. Though I've only known you for less than half a year, you've already impacted my life more than some people that I've known for years. You've accepted me for who I am and I'm thankful -cos I've learnt what it is not to have to wear a mask and know that I'll be loved for who I am anyways, warts and all.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a teacher. Though you're not exactly my lecturer -yet you've challenged my views on life in many ways and have caused me to re-examine and consolidate my thoughts. "Objectify-ing", "' I- it'ing", "'I-thou'-ing", "embodiment", "friend of God", "journeying together", "brokenness", "dignify-ing", etc... are stuff that you've taught me in the past few months that I'm quite sure I'll be carrying with me for the rest of my life.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a big brother. Your care and concern for the three of us have not gone unnoticed and unappreciated. The ice-cream sessions, going out for food, movies, hanging out at your place and studying together have been very much treasured (especially the ice creams -hehehe).

Happy Belated Birthday - yes, age should be just a number... when we look at you, we don't look at you as a 30 year old *cheeky grin*. Rather - we see you as a friend, teacher and big brother. You being you have been a great blessing to me and those around you. Thank you.

Holiday reflection and highlights

Current feeling: Sleepy/longing to go home and spend time with family/reflective/can't wait to go back to STM and settle down for the new semester

Am back in the office again after a fantastic week-long holiday. Didn't go anywhere exotic or different, but because of the company I had, it was definitely one of the best breaks/holidays that I had. :)

Cameron Highlands holiday highlight
The tea times at Boh plantation and Cameron Valley - just sitting with my friends and just talking and kidding around.
Visit to OA village with dad and oli, dan and sk.
SK's message on Trinity.
Seeing dad through sk's and dan's eyes - learnt to love dad more.
The guys wrestling in the middle of the night - that was just super hillarious.

JB highlights
Meeting dan's family - felt really at home in his place (like home away from home). His family is so nice and similar to mine(except for our dads)..
Eating supper with dan's family at their longtime family fav place near the seaside facing singapore....
Lunch at Victor's - had fried sardine balls for lunch with curry and rice for the first time - it was yummy.
Eating ice kacang 'up on a tree' with jacob, his gf, ben and dan
Having breakfast with lucy and dan - eating half boiled eggs and bread.. Yummy!


Singapore highlights and comments
Major highlight was meeting up with my closest cousin sherene. Was there for under under 24 hours but every moment spent with her was precious. It was just like good old times where we just have so much to share with each other and how God seems to be teaching us the same lessons at the same time. As usual, parting was not easy.

Comments on Singapore: Don't think I would want to live there in the long term. Though it reminded me of Melbourne (the home of my heart), there was just too many people around. After being conditioned to living in Seremban, living in kl already takes some adjustment. Singapore life is just so crazy where everyone is just so BUSY and RUSHED. *shudder* Nevertheless, it was just good to go for a day - the most I think I can take is prolly one week to visit friends.

Additionals
Learnt to watch world cup - though I'm not exactly a soccer fan. But dan's patient explanation of the rules and stuff helps in understanding the game.

Dear God,
Thanks heaps for the awesome holiday and awesome friends. After all, all good things come from you. I'm truly grateful.

Checking in and checking out

Am in JB rite now at a friend's house - just came back from a great holiday trip with my friends. Had a great time sleeping, eating, chatting (we did a lot) and laughing, drinking tea, watching dvds and football matches.

Lots to think about and learnt a lot of things - about myself and learnt to appreciate my dad a whole lot more than I used to. :)

okies... checking out now. Am tired and want to have a shower and hang out wiht my friend's family which reminds me a lot of mine.. heheh.

Some thoughts for today

I think my mind's turning into mush.. I was mid-way reflecting on something this morning and half way through, I lost my train of thought! :P It's must be because of editing the songbook for church - tiring, repetitive and tedious work... Thank God I'm almost done! Another 100+ songs to go and I'm DONE!!! - well I have the indexing to do - but it's easy peasy compared to the editing bit. I salute editors who do this kind of job everyday... My poor eyes are protesting from staring intently at the screen for hours at the time for the third week in a row now...

Speaking of tiredness, I'm really looking forward for the holiday with my friends!! A break is going to be very much needed after these 3 weeks and the past few months of working hard. My body is feeling like it's gonna get sick soon. *grimace* Uncle Sam seems to have this sadistic pleasure in stacking more stuff on top of my desk for me to go through or to distribute in the past few days.. :P Everytime when I think that I've cleared the pile, more arrives on my desk-AARrrgghhhh!! Add Uncle LD's request to the list.. *die*

Other than my goals to complete the songbook, I've thankfully managed to look through some materials for Christmas and at least came out with one material with gramps and DT (Had a great time having 'girl-talk' over lunch with her today*grin*). Managed to catch up with a couple of ppl - but not as many as I'd hope. SA's gone for a mission conference in Singapore and things seems to be quieter around here without her...*sigh*

Ok - back to the editing - still have another 30 songs or so to go for today. *grimace* God please refresh my poor eyes.

Following You

I'm desperate for You today
I'm weary with the problems that I see around me
I want to give up struggling, I want to give up fighting
I just want to break down and cry
For those who are hurting, for those who are lost and need You
The day is only half way through and I already feel exhausted
Please be my strength for another day - for today

I say this with apprehension and fear
Knowing nonetheless that Your ways are always better than mine
"Guide me and lead me today - I'll follow where You lead"
Trusting that You'll provide strength along the way
Trusting that even if it gets harder
You love me - and that is enough

Redeemed

My eyes are fatigued from staring at the screen the whole day. Am still in the office-have just decided to take a break and take pity on my poor eyes(I can type my thoughts out with my eyes closed) that has been staring at the screen most of the day.
Jazz music's playing in the background. Quite soothing. :)

Have been reading this book called 'Atonement Child' which addressed the issue of abortion in fiction form. The brings to life the struggle that women goes through when they decide to abort a child. The main story is about a girl who was raped and became pregnant and the choices that she had to make and how her circumstances affected her family - especially her mother and her grandmother who went through abortion for different reasons and the pain they felt after.

One thing that sticks out after reading the book is the word 'Redemption'. Never realised how beautiful the word is....
I am blown away by the fact that I am redeemed by God...
Against all reason and human comprehension- I am redeemed..