Where I have to be

Some days, it feels like everyone around me is moving on with their life - new stories of life being created with their unexpected twists and turns - and I'm on the side of the road, derailed, left out of the loop and figuring how to get back on the track. Everyone is moving on, and I am where I am - not moving. When it gets to me, it's a rather frustrating, makes-you-wanna-cry experience.

For now, I'm learning to accept that where I am - is where I have to be.. No matter how I feel...

Somehow, someway, sometime

I'm told:
- that it's ok to be where I am now (but I need to decide to move some time)
- that I'm not as crazy abnormal as I think I am (other ppl with certain tendencies get this as well)
- I need to move to the next level and make myself move on autopilot (so that I don't totally disqualify myself and lose sight of the plans that He has for me)

And if I want to move on, I'll have to put some structures in place and continue to struggle on come what may.

I'm not well.. But I finally think I'm going to be fine -somehow, someway, sometime...

I'm Not Alright

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on
'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

B:
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Leads me to you
Closer to you
Closer to you
Closer to you

End:
I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright ... that's why I need you.

Prayer

Carry me when I cannot take Your hand and hold on to You anymore...

Carry Me
You carry me
You are strength
I learn to trust in You
And once again I'm reaching out

In this place, dreams are made
In this place, where You are

Carry me, in Your arms of love
Hold me close to You
I want to be where You are...

At the very least...

I had a 'good day' today. For me, it's something to celebrate - it's been a while since it's been like this.

I'm really grateful to my pastor who has been journeying alongside me, giving me a much needed nudge(both in my assignments and personally), listening to my incoherent ramblings, helping me out to figure out some stuff that's just been puzzling and stumping me, reminding me of the important stuff and just bringing a little light into this dark place that I've been in the last few weeks.

I'm still not 'there yet' but at the moment it's like having cool water after being parched for so long in the desert. At the very least, I begin to understand why I am lost...

How to get up, eat breakfast and get ready for work in 5 mins

My siblings showed me this to cheer me up.. Quite funny.. and amazing..

Ramblings

This path I've been taking for the last month has been a rough one. I'm still slowly trudging along and I'm still not sure where it's leading. Most days, the weather has been cloudy... On some rare days, like today, there has been a little sunshine... And often enough, there has been storms - the kind where you can but hide and wait it out.

Many are the days that I wish for the old path - the comfortable, familiar road.. But, I'm beginning to realise that it'll never be the same again... I'll never be the same again... In some sense, I barely recognise myself and it's a rather disconcerting and discomfiting experience. Some days I wonder if I just can't seem to be with people at the moment because it's weird to love oneself when one barely seems to know oneself and therefore find it hard to relate to others. I hate the awkwardness I seem to cause when I'm with others - even/especially with people I know who cares. It's just easier to be alone right now until things are worked out.

I'm conscious that the decisions I make during this time will have an important ramifications for what's ahead - and some of those decisions are hard to make at the moment... I've had countless reminders from people who care that they're there for me and praying for me - something I appreciate very much, even though sometimes they catch me when I'm in one of my 'low moments' and I'd just rather be alone.

In preparing for pastoral group today, I've been reminded that I do have a lot to be thankful for.. I wrote down the whole list of people who tell me that they are praying for me, that they are there when I need to someone to talk to (I'm just not very inclined to do so most days at the moment) and I was a little overwhelmed when I realised that it was a quite a long list of people. I'm quite thankful that I can be at home in this time - my family has been very supportive.. Though he does not understand completely what is going on, my dad cheered me up immensely when he brought down a puppy for me yesterday. Am still deciding a name for it - but she's quite adorable though she's not exactly good looking- she's really tiny and perhaps it's her vulnerability that seems to speak to me at the moment.

I've also come to appreciate things certain things more - laughter, being able to wake up, family, friends and being alone... I've still a distance to go on this journey, and most days I wonder if I can keep on going when my strength and faith seems so frail.. I've been reminded to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.. He's still working on me...

Ruminating

It's been hard to write. I've been feeling as if I've been literally hit by a truck and every part of me is broken. Some days I made myself go on and put on this mask as if everything's ok but it gets harder and harder. Something's really wrong and I just don't know what to do. I've been tired from running until I just can't run. People tell me that I'll be fine... But sometimes I wonder how long more because I've been moving and I keep on falling. And I'm tired of falling.. As it is, I feel as if I can barely walk at the moment and the healing process looks like it'll be a while more...

Spiritual things that used to give comfort seems an odd fit right now. I know that He's here - still sovereign, still caring, still listening. I'm getting help and I'm thankful for people who are journeying with me at the moment. These things help me to wake up each day.. but I feel so tired sometimes... I want to be restored - to be normal again.. But for now, I gotta take one thing at a time and learn to accept that I'm not ok.

Prayer

Dear God, My head feels like it weighs a tonne. Help me to lift it up or at least enable me to see Your feet so that I know that You are near.

Word Of God Speak - Mercy Me

This song is one of my favourites.


I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[Chorus]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[Chorus 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

When Taking A Break From Assignment

Quite funny and good. *grin

Assignments and seminary...

He Will Carry You

This song is an old classic.. It's one of those songs that have been coming to mind during QT this week.

Current Ruminations

Reading week is almost over, marking that more than half of first semester is over for my final year of my studies in STM. I find myself constantly reminding myself to make the most my time here as I will not be coming back next year and will have to move on to the next phase of my life. There will not be as much time for reflection, for reading, etc - though when I leave I will carry with me the values that I've learned here over the last few years.

I do treasure especially the moments that I have with friends - the conversations, the shared meals, the laughter, the praying together and just being together. However, a part of me longs for the end of October when it'll all be over and I find myself just itching to get on with life - even though I keep on telling myself that the time will come soon enough.

Whatever my personal feelings, I do continue to see Him working in my life..
Interestingly enough, the most of the semester seems to be a tying of 'loose ends'.
Sometimes, it feels like a 'test' - more for myself to see how much I've truly learnt. Many things seem to be coming to a full circle at this point of my journey - things that I've grappled with so much in my first year seems to be resurfacing.

Among them is the facing of fears that used to be so bad that it paralysed me. It's not as bad as it used to be. Every semester it gets a tad easier. However, most days, it still takes a lot out of me and I'm still on this journey of just learning to keep on going despite the fears.

The next thing that has hit me hard is the cost of being a disciple of Jesus. Lately, there has been this particular thing that I know He's been asking of me. Some days, I wrestle so hard with it that I feel so tired. Just opening my fist and surrendering is tough....

In addition to all that, interestingly enough, I find myself coming to a full circle to some of the things I was taught in my first year - a reexamination of some of the questions that I've had and answers that was given. I'm finally learning to put into words the things that I used to term 'like squeezing water out of stone'. It still feels that way sometimes but am a whole lot more coherent now than I used to be...

Though there's a lot going on, I'm glad for people who pray alongside me. Though one of the things that I especially miss is my old prayer group, I know that God's watching over me and I see of how He brings people at crucial moments to pray with me - and gently remind me that He's still there. :)

Random thoughts

- Sometimes encouragement comes from unexpected people
- God sometime answers prayers faster than one can hope despite smallness of faith and it was said in the most unexpected place and with an unexpected person
- Grace received is also meant to be imparted
- Need to get more work done! :p

Thought

*sigh.. It's time to face the inevitable..

I wish...

Don't Waste Your Pulpit

I really like this clip - says a lot about ministry of the pulpit... Especially in view of a sermon in my church a couple of weeks ago.

Lead Me To The Cross -Graham Kendrick

One of my favourite songs. Was just sitting at the piano the other day and somehow it spoke to me again.

How can I be free from sin?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus
From the guilt, the power, the pain?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus

There's no other way
No price that I could pay
Simply to the cross I cling
This is all I need
This is all I plead
That his blood was shed for me

How can I know peace within?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus
Sing a song of joy again!
Lead me to the cross of Jesus

Flowing from above
All-forgiving love
From the Father's heart to me!
What a gift of grace
His own righteousness
Clothing me in purity!

How can I live day by day?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus
Following his narrow way?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus

Quote on friendship

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson