The main highlight of the trip for me was this morning devotions with the pastorate group. I think it was one of the most meaningful times that we as a pastorate group had together. Sarah shared about her life and the challenges ahead her as she chooses to have faith in God in the coming 6 months. The main thing that she challenged the whole group was to trust and obey God (especially in view of how easy it is to go our own way when we are capable people rather than to really trust and obey God). She shared that trusting in God can be quite scary - even for her - just like taking that first step out of the boat. Many times, we'd rather just run away and rely on our strength. I find this to be so true even for myself.
In view of one of my previous post about a seminarian's cry, I was quite moved by Sarah's sharing. I appreciated the fact that she shared her fears and her struggles with us. Of course she’s not perfect(most of us would know her weaknesses - she herself tends to 'publicize' it too sometimes) but I see (and I think the others do too as well) how much she cares for us and is concerned for our welfare as she sees us struggling in seminary. She even shared about how each of us has taught her about God and has been an encouragement to her – this showed me that perhaps she has been watching closely over us more than I previously realized. She furthermore encouraged us to keep watch over our prayer life and to continue to really trust and obey God – in spite of how our studies or work load might distract us. I could see that most of us in the group were really ministered to. It reminded us that this is an area of our life that we need to continually work on and be mindful not neglect for the rest of semester.
Her sharing spoke into two areas of my life – one of them is to continue to seek God despite my many capabilities. Lately, I do notice that it can be so easy for me to make my own decisions and to do things my own way rather than God’s. This is especially true as I learn more about myself – in what I’m capable of doing and what I’m not capable of doing. It’s so easy to just lean on my own capabilities and not consult God at all.
I’ve also been contemplating a trip to the Middle East at the end of the year. There are times I wonder if I’m really pushing it. A part of me has been wanting to go for a trip of this nature for a really long time (more than 15 years now?? -since I first heard my role model George Verwer speak). I wonder sometimes if my desire is blinding me to everything else?? Another part of me is afraid of what’s ahead if God does finally say ‘go’. Finance is probably the biggest issue (It’ll cost at least around RM10k to go and I have no where near that amount in my bank account). Out of all this, I hear His still small voice saying ‘Do you trust me? Will you continue to obey me? Will you do these even if things don’t turn out the way you expect them to?’. One would think that it’d be easier to say ‘yes, Lord’ after all these years – after all I faced the same question when I went to Australia, when I came back to Malaysia after that, when I left the job that I really enjoyed in KL to work in church, when I came to study at STM. Somehow, it doesn’t really get easier. It’s still difficult to say "Let Your will be done…."
Lastly, I appreciated the fact that though Sarah was really pressed for time (she apparently had an anxiety attack because she was concerned that she would not be able to finish her packing in time), she really made the effort to show up and make this trip happen. I really admire the way she made to be involved in the trip with us, pulling all of us together to do stuff together (instead of doing things individually). I know how difficult this can be.
Through her short time with us, I’ve learnt more than I expected to from Sarah. I do sincerely hope to see more experiences like these between lecturers and students taking place.
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