Author's note: Thanks to Lan Yin for your listening ear this evening and for making me feel that someone else understands. I write this as I reflect on my conversation with you. The sky overhead was cloudy and the wind blew around her as she walked around aimlessly. Her arms were wrapped around her as if to ward off the chill. She loved days like these - preferring it to the sultry hot weather. However, as she walked, she did not notice (as she usually did) how the huffing wind was trying to stir up the dried leaves from the floor nor paid any heed to the people who passed her by. Instead, she stared blankly ahead, her mind deeply lost in thought.
As the wind toyed with her hair, she thought of how things had changed over the last couple of months. A ghost of a smile graced her lips as she silently thanked God for what had been gained. The smile soon faded as she thought of what had been lost. It was as if she could not help herself - before she knew it or could stop it, her mind conjured images of him... Pain slowly seeped into her being. She hugged herself even tighter. 'Why bother remembering? Perhaps it is better to let things be.' However, it was as if a dam had burst in her mind - images after images flashed through her mind...
An image vividly played in her mind - she saw that it was the time when she used to be him and another friend - how they would laugh and joke and conspire with one another. It didn't seem to matter too much if other people would give them censuring looks or talk about them. What seemed to matter most was that the three of them were together. Once, when he and the other friend had to leave for a couple of days, she remembered feeling disconsolate without them around.
Another image flashed through her mind - this time it was of how she would sit and talk with him about all sorts of things. They would mostly reflect about life and how things were affecting them or about what they were learning. She sighed... Those days seemed like old black and white photos - precious but slowly fading.
That image faded as others that were filled with good memories took its place. 'Yet', she thought as she stared the ground, 'What use are those memories? They seem like a dream - once here but now gone.' A part of her still loves him - as a friend - as she always had. She still wished the best for him in spite of everything. Another part of her just wanted to move on and give up on him. The part that has been hurt by broken promises and by the fact he no longer seems to care the way he used to. The part that feels that he was merely using her through their friendship. She was she was afraid that part of her was slowly turning bitter if she did not decide soon - to let go of him completely or to hash things out with him.
Many times, she had tried to write to him or speak to him about how she felt - only to let despair overtake her when she couldn't write or when he didn't seem to see how she needed to talk to him. Eventually she gave up the attempts. She already felt so stupid. Where she once believed in him and defended him to others - she felt let her down by the promises that he broke. Better that he did not make any promises in the first place. Then perhaps it would not matter so much. She had made so many excuses for him in her mind that she had reached a point that she could no longer do so. To her, some parts of him had changed to a person she no longer knew.
Maybe it was just better for her to let him go. She saw how other people had become a priority in his life. She did not resent that - just hurt that she could be so easily discarded. Wasn't friendship about giving and taking? Didn't friendship had to be reciprocated? She felt like a fool for still wanting his friendship especially every once in a while when he deigned to speak to her. It was during those times that she gets a glimpse of the way their friendship once was and wished that things would get better.
What should she do? Was she just being irrational? She just didn't think that she could face him to be hurt again. She had enough brokeness to deal with....
A drop of rain fell on her forehead, breaking her out of her reverie. 'How apt..' she thought as she looked at the sky and ran for shelter....
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