Rant

Am just bloody angry rite now. I had hoped for better. I guess not. They don't care if innocent people are hurt. The important thing is that they are right. Can someone just shoot me if I become like that.

Prayer answered

As I stop to catch my breath this evening, I realise that I've rather unconciously been involving myself in a frenzy of activity the last few days. Today, went for classes, a movie, rushed back for Anglican chapel service, went out with my girl friends for our first prayer meet for the year, came back and went to visit Silvester's baby (who's really cute!), came back and went out for a drink with some friends. Will definitely need to make myself sit down tomorrow to do my work. :p

Was just doing some reflection something Dr Voon said during the retreat last weekend. She said something along the lines where when God asks us to do something, He will make a way for us. Didn't really realise how much I disbelieved that statement until this evening. Was just sharing with my girl friends (during the above said prayer meet) of what God laid on my heart this year - something I felt was a bit impossible to do on my own (it involved sitting still *gulp!* and waking up early! *double gulp*). While sharing with my friends, I felt what I was called to do rather daunting - I remembered that someone I really respected said that it was just not worth the bother and felt discouraged. Before we went to Silvester's place, another friend, without knowing my dilemma, proposed a solution. I was in a daze for a while - kinda still am. Am having an overwhelming sense of wonder and gratitude to KNOW that He does indeed make a way. I know I'll still have to make the effort (its not a stroll in the park) but am grateful that it's no longer as difficult as I thought it'd be. Thank You God.

To My Brother Sam....

Your existence is very much acknowledged!! *Cheeky Grin*Should have posted this up two months ago.. Love you very much! I've been blessed by your presence in my life.

Beginnings of second year in STM...

Everything and nothing is running through my head. Will attempt to type out something here as I've been promising to myself in the last few days that I should.

Am now back in STM for my second year- I can't believe that I'm now a senior (I think most of us in who are in the second year feels the same way). STM is the same and yet different - I think it's cos of the ppl. Most of my fellow class mates in the same year are back - and it has been awesome to meet up with them again. Of course there are the new students. I've made an extra friend or two - it will be interesting to see where the friendship will lead. One of them is my room mate. I've been blessed with a room mate that I can get along with and is pretty cool with the stuff I do (which I think can be a rather tall order for a person who lives with me - just ask my sis. :p). I've also been appointed dorm leader for my floor and overall for the girls (more like volunteered without permission) - and to think that exactly a year ago I thought "I'd never be a dorm leader - after all I can't speak mandarin". :P So much for thinking that in the first place. I am thankful however, for Lucy and Lan Yin who's on my floor. They've been a great support to me and have helped to take the edge off certain changes in my life back here - I think I'd be moping most of the time otherwise. Other than that, it has been a great pleasure to just sit in the evenings with the baby grand and just play to my heart's content. *happy sigh* I really missed it these last two months.

In my quest for a book on prayer by EM Bounds(recommended by my pastor), my friend and librarian has recommended me some books amongst them are two of Henri Nouwen's and 2 other books on spirituality. Am Currently Reading: "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian McLaren. It has been rather challenging. I have to pause after every chapter to really digest and wrestle with what was written. So am taking my time with it for now. It's been really good.

Overall it's been good to be back. It's not totally a bed of roses - there are some concerns (that's usual I guess) such as if I'd survive the assignments, concerns about friendships, ministry in church, etc... I guess I'll just have to commit it to the Lord and worry less and take it one day as it comes.

Dear Lord,
Please see me through this year. Thank You for the blessings that You've given. Thank You.

Growing up...

I have unexpectedly found myself with some time to blog - have been rushing around the whole day to complete the stuff I've to do before for my meeting with my pastor which is supposed to be now(plus the fact that I've taken a last minute leave to go up to the highlands meant that I have to clear tomorrow's workload too). After having a short lunch break (i ate at my desk after rushing downstairs to pack something at the cafeteria) and rushing around making calls, sending emails, clearing my desk, sending even more email and making it just in time for the supposed meeting at 2.30pm- he's asked for another 45 mins.

So i was thinking - to write a newsletter or blog?? Not exactly in writing-a-newsletter mode, so I here I am..

Last nite, a friend asked me about how I've changed in the last two months .I really hadn't had the time to think much about it. So, as I write this, it's a bit of a reflection time for me.

I've learnt to love the church more
Some people around me somehow get the impression that I look at the world with rose-tinted glasses. Trust me - I don't. I'm perfectly aware of the darker side of humanity and yet, I've learnt a long time ago that it's much better to look at the brighter side of things than to focus on the uglier side (of course sometimes I do overdo it - but am still learning how to balance). So, in the past year, while being in STM and exchanging thoughts with my community about the church - especially its weaknesses - I've come back to my home church to realise that I love the people in it very much despite its many weakness. Sure, it's not easy and there are MANY flaws. However, when one learns to focus on their strengths and to move on from there, you realise that the church is not exactly a totally bleak place- it just isn't perfect and people like you and me are a part of it. How we respond to it is important. Some people just sit and do nothing, some people just make comments and do nothing to change, some people just come on Sundays and go back unaffected... As for me, I've learnt that I need try to change what is within my grasp and as for what I cannot change, I learn to talk to the leaders of the church, commit it to God through prayer, and to try to gripe less.

I've learnt to complain less and to encourage more
Am not exactly at the point that I wish to be but I've come to realise time and time again that criticizing people in the church can cause a lot of pain and unnecessary hurts. A close friend of mine was hurt by certain things that the leaders said (some warranted- but mostly were unfounded). When she was doing well, no one said anything, but now that she doesn't seem to be doing very well, for a host of reasons (not necessarily her doing) negative comments seem to come pouring. I've realised that many times, I myself have not said much words of encouragement in the past year as I struggle with the issues in church. I've learnt that it is very important to do so. As I worked alongside with the children vacation workshop teachers, i was one day led to say "you're doing very well to a teacher". She had been working very hard and was very tired - I could visibly see her lighting up at my comment. It felt funny for me initially and I came to the realisation that I need to speak words of encouragement and to watch my words.

I've learnt to be more intentional
I guess that this is a lesson that I've been learning from my community in the past year. I've learnt that I CAN take breaks in between my work and be more intentional in building relationship with people. Am still learning it. I realise I do have a tendency to be so focused on certain things and neglect my relationship with people (some more than others). I've learnt that I need to include time for other people. I've been blessed by my time with people as I do so and I hope that I'm a blessing to others as I do so. I've learnt that as I do this, I hear stories about how God is working in people's lives or how much they need God in their lives.

Like I told my friend last nite, I've definitely changed. In some areas more than others. Some areas are definitely more visible than others.
However, there are areas in which I hope do not change:
That I would continue to have an attitude that is willing to learn and that I would desire to draw closer to God more and more each day.

Dear God,
Thank You for being with me - through each step, each stumble, each fall, each leap, each run in the past two months. I look forward to learning more this year - through family, friends, church, bible school - people that you bring across my path. Continue to teach me to love you more and to walk the path that you will me to.

A New Year...

A Happy New Year to all who's still faithfully reading my blog. I am encouraged when I hear from friends who tell me that they read my blog despite my lack of entries lately - Thank You. :)

With the flurry of activities in the last month, I realised I have not have had the time to do much journalling - much less blogging. Nevertheless, the last month has been a time of growth and challenge to me as I learn from the different situations that I come across as I do my practicum in my church. These two months have been a good time of learning as I am encouraged to broaden my horizons in different areas. I am looking forward to starting classes in two weeks time and especially to catch up with my friends at STM.

Some highlights of the last two weeks are that my ex-housemate from Australia came back for a visit. While it was a rather brief time with her, it was awfully good to see her again. Hanging out with her is always an eye-opening time. I'm continually reminded about how different life can be outside my comfort zone - how much people hurt and are in need.

My big bro came back for a brief visit from Aussieland too. It was awfully good to catch up with him too as he came back to Malaysia to do his 'pilgrimage'. My time with him brought back many good memories. I feel so blessed that he came here just to visit me and another of his friend. Thanks big bro.

Another highlight is that I spent about another 5-6 days in the highlands. It wasn't as restful as I thought it'd be -especially as there were many people going in and out. I met 3 delightful OA girls - Ina, Julia and Yuzzi - who wanted my family to adopt them at the end of the trip. :) It was the first time I spent Christmas eve at an anglican service - we rushed up to the highlands right after the Christmas musical on Sunday. I was really blessed by the service (though I did wish that they'd sing more carols.. I was especially moved by the sharing of the story of 'O Holy Night"). Early Christmas morn, we were joined by a team of my dad's friends and we headed into the jungle to distribute much needed supplies to those who were in need. That was pretty much what we did for the entire day and it was quite exhausting as we spent most of the day travelling on rather bumpy roads - at one point of time, the 4 wheel drive had to be towed by another truck as it could no longer take it anymore. It initially felt weird but it was a good experience to serve others instead of sitting in the pews of the church on Christmas day. All I can hope is that those that received were blessed by the little that we could give them.
Though I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do, I was thought again what it meant to really give (I certainly did not relish getting up so early - especially after a previously exhausting two weeks). Another day, my dad even made me walk in some really muddy areas just so we could give much needed supplies to another village at one of those areas which he dubs as hard-landing. The ride into the jungle alone can be pretty tiring.

I met another interesting character up in the highlands in my quest for finding internet connection (which I failed cos the internet lines were down due to the earthquake :p). Again, I was reminded how different others lives are from mine. Feel like a 'katak di bawah tempurung' (frog under a coconut shell) whenever I meet people like that - but always a good experience as it challenges my perceptions of life.

As a result of all the stuff that has been going on, I didn't make any New Year's resolution (I remember thinking on 31st during watchnight service - it's the end of the year already??? My body haven't really caught up with my soul yet!!)... Anyways, I'm glad for this new year - to more lessons, to deeper friendships, to new friendships, to challenges, to a closer walk with My Best Friend.

A lesson to remember...

I seem to be in a blogging mood today - never mind that I still have yet to prepare for worship this Sunday and finish up the songbook within the next two days! (eep!)...

Anyways, I attended prayer meeting tonite and met someone new to the church... She was asking me about Jesus' genealogy in the book of Matthew and Luke. It seemed to be very important to her. My recollections of what I learnt in class seems not to be comprehensive enough... :P I think I should try to remember more from classes next semester no matter how trivial the facts may be to me..

To my STM friends...

I have been catching up with quite a few friends from STM today - in between work today... As I catch up with them, I realise how much I miss being them. Being busy has helped somewhat... Sure - I've been learning a lot back here in my home church (I preached my first sermon today - it was a nerve wrecking experience but not as bad as I thought it was going to be) and am growing in my walk, but I do miss their friendship and support. I am grateful for friends here but everyone seems so busy and it's hard for me to share what troubles me in what I see for fear of being misunderstood. If not for my pastor, I think it would be a lot worse - but he is around and I am thankful for him.

So, to my STM friends, I am thinking of you. Know that you are being missed by a friend.. I look forward to seeing you guys again in January! In the meantime, I am praying for you guys and hope that you all are doing well at your practical churches. Take care...

Children's Vacation Workshop 2006 experience...

I find myself with quite a bit of time to kill before I adjourn to the highlands with my mum - and have decided to blog at the staircase of the church while waiting for her.. I'm looking forward to having a break after these last three days of being practically on my feet from morning till evening and with around 250 kids running around (can you just imagine the chaos :p)...

My eyes are drooping, my ears are ringing (from the screams and the noise), my stomach's crying out for food (it only had roti telur since), my brain's telling me that it wants to shut off cos of the lack of sleep (I woke up at 6 - I don't even wake up this early at stm!! :p)... Thankfully my headache has abated somewhat...

Since the beginning of last month, as part of stm's practical assignment, I've been asked by the church to help out with the children's programme. Apart from observing and evaluating the ministry, I was required to handle the practical arrangements and logistics from the workshop. The workshop experience included a sleep over, outing to Dominoes, Explorace (station games from room to room), telematch, BBQ and talentime, baking, knowing about pets session, christmas story telling and a whole lot of activities packed into 2 and a half days for the children. *phew*

After spending time with the children, a few things came to mind - children, while without guile, reflect their parents actions. If a child behaved in a certain way, it was very telling of how their parents were... While quite of few of us would object to being placed in a box this way - try spending time more time with kids and you'll really see what I mean.. While at times it's quite hilarious, many times it's been rather alarming... Sometimes, what the parents may do in gest or unthinkingly are taken on by the children and have long term impact.

This experience taught me one thing - it will be a while before i have my own kids (if ever)... In the meantime, I'm still a work in progress. :)

Sermon Struggle

Am preparing for a sermon on Romans 5:1-11 and it's been a struggle. I have been working on and off (admittedly, more off than on) on the passage for the last two-three weeks and feel that I am going nowhere. The passage seems basic and yet deep and I struggle to articulate what's on my mind and heart.

This evening, I bounced some reflective ideas with someone that I highly respect. The feedback that I received was that I'm in danger of being too academic and irrelevant. *groan* My greatest fear coming to life!!! :p On a more positive note, I did manage to find ONE good material that relates to the passage... Yipee Yay!

Happy Birthday Dan!

Hey Dan..
Just want to wish you a very Happy and Blessed Birthday!

You are one of the finest friend a person can have... Thanks for being a good friend to me this past year. I've been truly blessed by your friendship.

God Bless.

Ramblings

I find myself 'stoning' in front of the computer... So, after a few minutes, when my brain cells started kicking in again, I decided 'why not blog?'...
Things here are picking up - it seems to be going from slow to fast to faster. It's around 4.30 now and I've absolutely spent most of my focus today getting stuff done for the Children Vacation Workshop. My eyes are feeling droopy and my brain is generally protesting for a rest. I 've been so engrossed in my work that I totally forgot to call one of my friend to say good bye.. *sigh*... That 10 minutes(in which i was supposed to call him) turned to 2 hours before I realised how much time flew away. *sigh*...

Despite my complaint, I do love being back and the change of pace. I have quite a few roles at the moment- Christmas Musical director, help out with Christmas service, Cross Gen committtee, Camp Commandant for Children's Vacation Workshop, prepare for my sermon (includes exegesis) to the church staff *gulp*and my current role as Worship Coordinator. As I've informed one of my friends online, at least when I get bored with one job, I can change to another I get back to it after.

I find myself generally getting tired out at the end of the day.. When I get back, if I have no guests for dinner or no meetings, I just do the chores and play with my dogs and just savour the evening with my mum by talking or watching tv with her.

Other than all that, I've been bombarded with lots of thoughts as I go back to working in the church office. When I win the struggle with the lack of time, I'll try to blog down my reflections (I've attempted starting an entry or two but only got as far as the title - the window was left open for the rest of the day but just couldn't get any further. also, as it is, keeping a certain 20 minutes of solitude in the morning is already an uphill battle many times - I have to constantly remind myself that the work can wait and the emails that need to be read won't multiply by a hundred if i don't check it then and there). :P

That being said, I'm glad to be home - I love times with my family, I love playing with my dogs in the evening, I am glad to slowly connect back with my friends here (though I do feel the absence of my STM friends greatly at times - I look forward to seeing them again in 7 weeks or so)....

Ok... It's time to stop rambling and get back to the pile of work (which I'll see through by the grace of God)..

Happy Birthday Sis!

To My Dear Sis,

A Very Blessed Birthday to you!!! I hope this day will be a special one for you (though you're having your exams shortly).

I'm blessed to have you in my life as my sis and I love you very much!!

A B-day Prayer

Dear Creator, Father and Friend,
Thank You for this day- for creating me on this day so many years ago. Thank You for the gift of life.
Thank You for always being there -especially during the many times when I've desperately needed You. Thank You for Your love, guidance and assurance along my journey in life. I love You more than I could ever express.

Thank You so much for loving parents who have brought me up in Your ways - I don't know what I'd do without them. I've been especially blessed to have them and my siblings in my life as You've used them to mould me and refine me in so many areas of my life. They've been my conscience, my safety net and my companions in my journey of life. Thank You for the joy and the sorrow that shared in the past years.

Thank You too for the many people who You've placed in my life. Thank You especially for many great and wonderful friends who You've placed in my life throughout my journey thus far. I've learnt so much about You through them. They've enriched my life in many ways and I am who I am today because of them. They have been great blessings in my life as they show me different facets of You. I've learnt to treasure each one of them just because....

Thank You for the bad in my life - though I've hated them at the time, I now see that though it was painful and sad at times, I am the better for it. And even if I'm not, they teach me that I need You more and more and not to depend on myself.

Thank You for the many blessings in my life - for the many lessons taught. I've learnt to treasure each moment because they are a gift from You. I look back and I see that I've come so far. I look ahead and there's lots more to go and I thank You that You're going to be with me each and every step. I look forward to the coming year and the adventure with You that's ahead.

Your beloved child,
Ruth

Being back in the church office

This week has been a time of adjustment back to the church office. In the past week, some STM close friends stayed over, I attended a wedding and an ordination service - all which means that I'm still seeing STM people - which have made the transition of being home more bearable. I do miss people at STM(especially my close friends) quite a bit.

Being back at the office means busy-ness. Have just been given a list of assignments (on top of the ones that I've set for myself previously) and am closed to being overwhelmed. I expected lots of work but somehow, just not this much! *groan* Anyways, I'm sure once the momentum gets going, it should be cope-able.

Though things don't seem to have changed much in the office, I realise more and more that I've changed in the past year - especially in the way that I view church. I do see things that contradicts what I've come to believe and I struggle with those issues. "What do I do?" is foremost in my mind. I'm concerned of sounding overly critical and being misunderstood. I'm also concerned that I give wrong advise as I am still in the process of working out the issues. Just because others think that you are a Bible Seminary student, they tend to assume you have THE answers and that is somewhat daunting.

Well these are my thoughts thus far. I do hope to blog more often on my journey as I do my practical in church. I'm sure I'll have a fair bit of material as I try to apply what I've learnt in and out of classes in STM this year.

The fragility of life

Tears streamed down her weathered brown cheeks. The aura of sadness that surrounded her touched those who gathered around. Thoughts raced through her confused and grief filled mind. What made today different from tomorrow? The sun still shone, the birds still sang, mist still shrouded the surrounding mountains. And yet… he will never come back again. Where has he gone? Will I ever see him again one day? What will happen to my children? What will they do without their father? How will I feed their constantly hungry bellies in the meantime? Oh – what do I do now? Why has this happened to us – isn’t life already hard enough?
Darkness waited at the edges of her thoughts – waiting to drown her in oblivion.

Around her in the already cramped hut she called home, the villagers gathered – consoling her the best way they knew how. Some offered their condolences, some prayed, some rubbed her hands to sooth her and others just sat –sharing her grief with her through the silence.

In the next room, other villagers gathered. A body wrapped in cloth lay in the center of the room (as the family was too poor to afford a coffin). Life seems so fragile. Just earlier that morning, that same body was filled with breath of life. He went with his little son to build a long promised chicken coop for the family and suddenly, a huge rotten tree branch fell on him. With his 6 year old son overlooking and a last cry from him, he died – pinned down by its heavy branches.

Where oh soul have you gone? How does one console your widow? What will happen to your family? Where oh God were you in all this? Did you permit this to happen? Has he gone back to you – though he only desired to know you but was held back by something? Where, how, why, what – so many questions remain unanswered….


* On Monday when I visited an OA village. That morning, the head of the family passed away tragically as a rotting tree gave way and fell on him. I wrote this as a reflection of what I saw when my family went to visit the family of the deceased.

1st Year at Seminary's over!

Wow - the last 10 months has flown very quickly. My first academic year at Bible Seminary has come to an end. It's been a great 10 months of learning - despite its many struggles. The journey has been an awesome one. I continually thank God for good friends along the way who have held me up in those difficult times especially who have helped me through the many times when I've wondered if I'd make it. They have been amazing. I'm truly blessed to know and have them them in my life.

As I look back, I am continually amazed to see where I've gone in my journey in the past year in Bible Seminary. I am thankful for what I've learnt in my struggles as I continue to grow in my faith journey. There's still much to learn and so much growing to do but I'll leave that to God and take one thing at a time.

I'm now glad to be back in the church office for the next two months and work out what I've learnt in seminary. Though lots of work are piling and lots of things are ahead - I'm rather glad of the break from studies.

The gap between should be's and what is

I find myself struggling with what I should be and reality.
- I should be finished with my assignments by now but I have two left
- I should talk with several friends but I just can't at the moment
- I should be well (after all, I've been drinking water and resting a lot) but I seem to more worse off than two days ago
- I should be more of a blessing to others instead of thinking of my struggles but that's so far off in reality
- I should be seeking God's favour instead of man but I find myself failing so often
- I should be strong yet I find that I am weak
- I should read more, grow more and stay on top of things but am just helpless to do so

The struggle continues and wears me out sometimes but I am reminded that I need depend on Him more and more.

Somedays I ask...

Some days I ask, what on earth am I doing here?
- when the need is great and there is not enough help.
Though I may not be able to save the world, I can reach out to at least one.

Some days I ask, will I ever be ready for the work ahead?
- when the head knowledge surpasses heart knowledge.
I struggle with doing the things that I know I should do
and do things that I know I shouldn't.

Some days I ask, with all I know, what can I do?
- when I am but a small pawn compared to the giants who makes the decisions.

I ask these questions and wonder, not having answers..
And yet, I can but put my trust in You - in Your plans and will for me.

In my weakness

Be my strength..
I am so weak..