Been getting really black moods these past two days(Monday and Tuesday). It's so black that it scares me-I've never had it before and wonder 'Is this really from me??'. Ugly thoughts have been going through my mind -and at the worst of it, I feel like breaking and destroying things around me. It got so bad that I had to really restrain myself, go to my room and cry it off as a great cloud of depression follows the unreasonable rage.
Sometimes all of this makes me wonder if leading this mission trip is worth all these spiritual attacks... I really tremble and dread it whenever it comes.
And in the end, the resounding answer is 'yes!!!'. It means that the Lord is preparing me for battle. And the reward is great. I might not see it now because the pain is so great at times. But what is a battle without pain? As David says, 'why so downcast O my soul, put your HOPE in GOD'.
Ephesians 6:11-12
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
He is also refining me. He is making me realise again and again what a weak being I am (how selfish and arrogant I am sometimes) and how much more I need to rely on Him.
Again, it's part and parcel of working out His calling on my life. And that every little decision I make each day- to live on my own desires or His - is important.
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