Deuteronomy and Ethics - Reflection for Day 1

It's been a while since I've done any reflection of any kind in writing... Apologies(to those reading this) if my post is rather incoherent...

Today's is the first day of Deuteronomy and Ethics by Paul Barker.. It's the first time that I'm sitting in his class and though the initial pace was a bit slow for me (but I understand that some ppl in the class might need it to go slower lah), it seemed to pick up speed and to my delight, I had a lot of stuff to chew on as the day went on (sometimes I've been feeling a bit starved for some solid teaching so it was really, really good)...

We covered a wide array of topics from introduction, the themes, the structure of Deuteronomy, OT law and function, Christians and OT law AND deuteronomy 1-3.

I'll just highlight certain things that sticks out for me at this point:

1. Generation conflation (from Style of Deuteronomy session)

As PJEFC is looking forward into addressing the issues of the younger generation, this has really struck me... Are we repeating the mistakes of the older generation in our arrogance in thinking that we are better than our elders and we know best to know how to reach out to other younger ppl in our generation? Are we not in danger of repeating the mistakes that they have made if we do not seek to understand them, if we do not affirm them, if we do not reach out to them - just as we may complain that they do not do these to us? Are we going to throw in the towel if things do not go OUR way? Are we not in danger of being as hypocritical as they seem to be? What happened to denying self? Where is our trust in God? Or are we in danger of doing things only our way?

What God says to the previous generation, he still says to the current generation. Are we listening and obeying?

2. God called the Israelites 'his people' before He gave His law to them (from structure of Deuteronomy session)

I'm reminded again, for all I do and work in the church, there's nothing I can do anymore to earn His love for me (sometimes I can so easily slip back into this old mentality)... He's called me His and though I may make mistakes in following Him, it's really only by His grace that I continue on in my ministry and journey with Him..  I do the things I do out not because I have to do it to earn his favour - but as an expression of my love for Him.. This is such a fine line for me sometimes..

3. Law comes within a framework of established relationship by grace (from OT law functions session - one of my fav)

"Obedience to the law is not about getting into a relationship but an expression of it. Obedience is the ethic of gratitude and thanks to God for the relationship that has been established. "

I think that when I'm not careful, I can get so muddle up about why I obey God's law... I can so easily fall into the trap that I obey the law to keep a relationship with God and not because I want to express my relationship with him in gratitude.. Another fine line for me... 

4. Found out that I hold the maximinalist view (from Christian and OT Law session - another favourite)

It was personally interesting to have more clarity in this area of how Christians today should apply and understand OT law.

Ok.. Enough... As my young ppl whom I'm discipling would say when I'm inspired to 'sermonise' to them.. 'Aiyoh, Brain overload d'.. Enough for today... Tomorrow's another matter. ;)

Revival...

Feels like my blog has died.. Will try to revive it again.. hopefully soon...

Preaching tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow morning will be my first time preaching for a church service. I'm still in the midst of preparing with 15 hours more to go - especially since there was a mishap on Tuesdsay(I'd sent my car for washing and brought out my sermon materials. My aunt accidentally threw them away even though they were in a folder. That was the end of my untyped commentary and thoughts for the sermon that I'd spent a few weeks working on). I had meetings everyday this week so that meant wayyyyy less time to prepare. The new intern this week is only able to come in for the week so I had to allocate a fair bit of hours to spend time with him too. So not a lot time for sermon prep.

Nevertheless, it's been a journey of continual trusting in Him as I see my sermon come together much faster than I thought I'd be able to put together. It's also by His grace that I did save some of my sermon notes so I could build on whatever I had. I guess He wants me to practice what I've been teaching the interns who've been coming in- to continue to trust in Him in my life no matter what happens(through busy-ness, through rough times, when time is tight, when I'm upset).

If God told me 10 years ago that I'd be preaching as part of my following Him, I'd prolly be a whole lot more wary and skeptical about going full time. I think it's ironical to find myself behind the pulpit. I don't consider myself a public speaker (my tongue sometimes twists when I'm nervous). I'm still working on things in my life - I'm not there yet and wonder how I can tell others what to do on a Sunday morning, especially those who are older than me.

Nevertheless, I do love God and I do want to obey Him. So here goes for tomorrow!! :)

Forgive

Forgive...
Let go...
Move on....

Psa 55:16-17

Psa 55:16-17
But I call to God, and the LORD saves me.
Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.

I need You to hear me.. I'm feeling rather overwhelmed these few days... There's so much to do and so little time to finish... The help that was supposed to come is sick...And as time keeps on ticking, more things seems to be piled on top of it... Please help me through this week... Not for my sake, but for the sake of those that You've asked me to care for...

Kaulah Segalanya

I love this song..


Kau Bapa yang mengasihiku
KuasaMu memulihkanku
Hati yang baru Kau berikan
Untuk ku dapat melihat

RencanaMu indah bagiku
Kau ada di s'tiap jalanku
Hatiku haus dan lapar akan Engkau

CHORUS
Kaulah segalanya di dalam hidupku
KerajaanMu, kebenaranMu itu bagianku
Kaulah yang kupandang selama hidupku
MengasihiMu memuliakanMu
Bapa dan Rajaku

I Stand Amazed

Quote

“I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess” - Martin Luther

At The Cross

A prayer for her...

I wonder.... isn't it already enough? When is it all going to stop?? How long more will she go on like this? How much more will she be able to take? What do You want me to do? All I can do is to love her from afar when You've called me to be here while she is still there...

Can you give her a glimpse of hope... even if it's just a small sliver? Please... I ask this of You... for her... because I know You love her... though she does not call herself Yours...

Malaysia reality TV seeks young male Muslim leader - Yahoo! Philippines News

I thought this article is rather interesting as I seek to do discipleship with some of my young ppl in my church...

Malaysia reality TV seeks young male Muslim leader - Yahoo! Philippines News: "the prizes combine both worlds: An all-expenses-paid pilgrimage to Mecca and a car."

Saying

"Using straw boats to borrow arrows" - Chinese saying

*I like the story that comes with this.. :)

Questions of the mind....

I've come to a realization - no matter how hard one works, no matter how one tries to cover all their bases, no matter how pure one's intention, despite the fact that one may think that

communication has been done, even when everything seems to be aligned to the will of God, when things seem to be moving in the right direction - one can get shot down(hard) most unexpectedly and the world can seem to come crumbling down in a moment.

So the question for me is this - how does one go on? Get up again as if nothing has happened? Live in fear for what might come again? Give up? What if it gets worse?

What do You want me to do? Will You give me the wisdom, courage and strength to do it?

A time for change

This is the third time I'm changing my design template since I started blogging...

I've always liked the rain - it brings back good childhood memories of fun with my bro and sis -and so I thought it apt for this blog...

It also seemed a good time to change my blog as I sense a few changes coming up in the air.. .

Perhaps it's a good time to restart blogging again... *cross fingers*

Random

Someone just said that I'm a matured Gen Y... Whatever that means.. kekekkee...

Quote on Happiness

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. - Helen Keller

Grace - Laura Story

I love this song...


My heart is so proud
My mind is so unfocused
I see the things You do through me
As great things I have done
And now You gently break me
Then lovingly You take me
And hold me as my father
And mold me as my maker

Chorus:
I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,
When I keep on letting you down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory
How far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer: " My child, I love You
And as long as you're seeking My face
You'll walk in the pow'r of My daily sufficient grace"

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged
Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job
For who am I to serve You?
I know I don't deserve You
And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on

As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means
The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
So, instead of trying to repay You
I'm learning to simply obey You
By giving up my life to You
For all that You've given to me

Quote

Let nothing disturb thee;
Let nothing dismay thee;
All thing pass;
God never changes.
Patience attains All that it strives for.
He who has God Finds he lacks nothing:God alone suffices.

St. Teresa of Avila

To keep on going

I've been finding myself feeling rather edgy in the last few weeks.
Perhaps it's been the lack of rest (the Sabbath break seems barely enough to sustain me on a week-to-week basis), perhaps it's due to the inability to further pursue my personal passions at this season of time, perhaps it's having to deal with the constant bombardment of the urgent rather than being able to work on the important, perhaps it's the uneasiness i feel with certain things that I see, perhaps it's the feeling of uncertainty and the fear of failure due to the heavy stakes involved or perhaps it's the built up frustration of dealing with structures rather than relational issues.

Whatever it is, it's been good to have a break today... It's been good to have a good laugh with friends... It's been good to have some time to read through some things for fun rather than for functional purpose... It's been good to have time to think and process my thoughts... It's been good to share a good meal with a couple of friends.. It's been good to talk over some fears with a friend and be reminded of the One my trust is supposed to rest... It's been good just to be able to pray with a friend... It's been good to refocus on the things that are going well - balancing my perspectives - rather than focusing on the concerns all the time...

While it's back to the grind tomorrow, it feels good enough to keep me going on for the coming days - which I'm truly thankful for.. :)

Dear Lord,
Help me to remember that You want me to put my trust in You when things seem to be overwhelming... That You are in the process of molding me.. That things do not have to go smoothly all the time but the bumps are there to teach me to look to You so that I do not go on my own speed... Thank You for all the things that are going well, and in the areas that are not so certain or seems hopeless, help me to believe that You will see me through it though it may not be my in accordance to my way... May Your will be done...

Quote on music

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares that infest the day
Shall fold their tents like the Arabs
And as silently steal away.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Day Is Done

Quote on change

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
Anatole France

This week in my life...

Am sending out a couple of emails.. was leading staff devo earlier this morning...

Let me see, for the rest of this week:
Have a meeting to attend this afternoon (read- afternoon gone)
Am worship leading this Sunday,
Overseeing two cell groups (and leading worship in one),
Preparing Bible study materials (as many as I can - one is due this Friday),
Organising Drum Training workshop this week,
Following up one or two ppl
Possibly a dinner to attend on Sat (my cg member's bday)...
Plus I'm sure i left out one or two things...

Lord Have Mercy...

Deliver Us

For my exodus overview, I showed this opening scene. This has always been one of my favourite parts of the show.

Psalm 138

I've come to appreciate this psalm lately.


Of David. I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; before the "gods" I will sing your praise.
2 I will bow down toward your holy temple and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.
3 When I called,a you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.
4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD, when they hear the words of your mouth.
5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD, for the glory of the LORD is great.
6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly, but the proud he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands.

Quote

O Lord, thou hast made us, and our spirits are restless until we rest in thee. - Augustine

Waiting for more...

Everything's going well. I had a great time with family during Chinese New Year. We had an open house for the OA ppl from 10am-3pm and many came too. As usual there's so much food. Things are moving in the ministries that I'm involved at and there's a lot of things to do...
Why then do I feel like I'm waiting for more?

Lovely Time

Yesterday was my cousin's wedding. I could not make it for the ceremony but attended the dinner. I had a lovely time.. It's been a long time since all of the cousins got together like this... I'll let the pics speak for themselves...

All of us together (minus one)

All of us together

Girls Only

Fooling around...

Resting

Am now having a much needed break for these few days - something that I've been looking forward to in the last two weeks. Looking back, the last month has especially been a crazy one. There's been so much to do in the office that I find myself being so exhausted at the end of the day. It's definitely been very different from life in seminary. In the last month, my days have been filled with intensive work and off days have been filled with family-related stuff... I've been seriously craving for some down time - time to read, reflect and rest.

Some people tell me that I'm headed for a burn out if I keep on going on this path. However, at this point, I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do and there doesn't seem to be another way. My pastor who's also my mentor told me to take leave at least one day a month, go somewhere else, totally do nothing and take time to just soak in God's presence. So I'm trying out his advice at the moment.

So far, have spent most of the day sleeping... Tomorrow, I hopefully will have some time to relax and to read and do some reflection... Am super looking forward to it...

Blessed Christmas!

A Blessed Christmas to All!!

Holiday pics

Here's one of many pics that I've been meaning to post up since my Nov Hols... These are taken from our jungle trip... It was a great time of fellowship with my dad, Lucy and my dad's two helpers..

Grateful

I'm thankfully still alive despite the lack of blogging activity...
Have been adjusting rather well to working in church - despite it being busy ALL THE TIME!!! Some days, I just have to remind myself to sit down(literally) in the middle of work and just breathe...

Am grateful for whatever down time I can get and try to rest whenever I am able to.
Several things I miss the most since being here is hanging out with friends, being able to have time to read and reflect...

Nevertheless, being back has been really good. I've been blessed to be with the young people in my church as well as with my uncle, aunt and cousin from Australia who has been visiting (my big bro too!!!)... :)

Happenings

I am beginning to understand why my friends who have graduated previously blog less and less. As soon as I get to work it's go go go all the way and before I know it, it's the end of the day! I'm still trying to find my footing to slow down to have more time to pray or to do some reading but it oftentime seems impossible. There are a hundred ideas and thoughts of what I have to do running in my head and I feel like I can't write them fast enough before I forget or miss out something.

However, I'm so excited cos there are so many things that are moving in the same time and in wonderful ways!
I'm thankful for gentle reminders from good friends to take time out to pray over stuff along the way - things that I may be concerned or getting anxious about.
I'm also grateful for the help that I've been getting from my young people who are so efficient and reliable. God seems to be sending more along the way and I take these as great opportunities to do mentoring and discipleship.
I'm looking forward to visits from different people this month - from close and dear relatives, from a big bro and best friend that I've not seen in ages, from new found friends at the end of the month. :)

Back in church office full-time after graduating!!

Am now in the church office as of 1st Dec 2009.... It's been a crazy last few days - especially because there's a number of big things due by the end of the year. Everything's moving in 5th gear!!! Thankfully I'm not involved in the Christmas preparations *yet*.
Have not had much time to read, write or reflect -it looks like I'll have to leave that for Mondays. I AM thankful for the little help I can get along the way and I'm look forward to see what else God has in store for both my church and for me!!

Right here, right now

Am chilling out at starbucks while waiting for my dad to finish up his stuff... The traveling around has stopped and am glad to be parked in one place - though it may not necessarily mean that it's peaceful... Following my dad around means that life is always on the move as he always seem to have itchy feet and heaps to do.. I finally had to boycott him yesterday so I could rest and just sit in a chair in front of the house and just stare up at the clouds and the mountains and do some reading.. The plan to going into the jungle for the second round has not materialised as heaps of things have cropped up (not to mention that we were in a rather shocking accident two days ago. Thankfully no one was hurt)..

Am just appreciating the silence and the restfulness.. It's been also good to just sit, pray and just sing with my OA friends... All the things that I won't be able to do when I get back to church office.. Yup - am really appreciating where I am right now...

Prayer for today

Another year has come and gone....
A chapter has finished
And another one is about to begin
Thank You for all that is past, both the good and the bad
Thank You for this day where you have created this child so many years ago
Thank You for what's to come
I ask that You keep on holding on to me
Keep on guiding me for what's ahead
That this life may be truly be pleasing unto You..

Traveling around

Am now in Alor Setar having a break after eating a fantastic lunch with Kea Chai, Mee Ngik, Gunaraja and Lucy. Next stop - meeting with Gerrad in Sungai Petani. Whoopee!!! Will be spending the night in Penang with a relative before heading to Ipoh to meet up with other STM friends and relatives tomorrow onwards...

Langkawi for the last four days was great!! Am rather thankful for our host, an acquaintance from STM who took Lucy and I around.. We had some really good Thai and local food.. Since there were a lot of duty free shops, a lot of stuff was worth buying - I bought some chocolates and some bags (I especially loveeeeee my new sling bag which was bought at a very reasonable price)!!

We went for to ride on the Langkawi cable car ride and swimming at Pasir Tengkorak... The highlight of the trip for me personally was our visit to Pulau Payar Marine Park.. We went snorkelling for most of the day - we saw corals and lots of different fishes.. There was even shark feeding... It was an amazing feeling... I even swam next to this huge barracuda!! :)

It's been a really really good break so far though it'll be perhaps more restful for the next few weeks as I contemplate going back to the highlands for some non-traveling and quiet time... Will post up pictures soon when I'm more settled... Need to hit the road again soon!

Holiday....

The first week of my break has come and gone... It's been a rather exciting week.
Am up at the highlands and spent three days in the jungle earlier this week, living in a bamboo hut with no electricity or toilets.. There's no beds either... Lucy and I had to mandi in the river - but the water's so refreshing that we spent a really long time in it and really enjoyed the experience... It was really awesome.... Would have stayed there longer but food supplies ran out and our work there was done.

Made two new friends - which is always good... It has also been very encouraging to see their love for God and their willingness to serve Him in the jungle... Their enthusiasm has been very contagious and they made the trip really great.. One of them would gather the children in whatever village we went and teach them the song "Tuhan aje bor!" (God is so good) which the children never got tired of..

It was an eye-opening experience for Lucy as it was her first time.. It was a good reminder to me of those who have to live on so little and how much more we have to help them... Many were sick this time round and was asking for medicine - and unfortunately, there was not enough to go around... We had to ration the giving of clothes as well... Many were wearing clothes that were in tatters and some children had to go without clothes - so they were grateful for whatever we could give them.

After coming out, we went to visit a Myanmar refugee camp.. As they sang songs of hardship and of God, those of us who were visiting just had tears in our eyes. It was really beautiful... The stories they shared with us drove us once again to tears.. It was a good time..

The last two days have been more relaxing and today we explored the highlands a bit more.. We're heading for Langkawi next and am really looking forward to doing a bit of snorkelling and visiting old friends...

For the next few weeks

Came back from a pastoral retreat with the pastors of my church. Having a short break before heading to the jungles of the highlands for a couple of days.. Then will be doing some traveling around to meet up with people as well as some time out before coming back to a big pile of work... :)

Finishing line

Today's THE Day!!! The finishing line is here!! I'm finally graduating!!
Thank You God!
It's been a remarkable four years.... :)

Almost There

Attended my classes for the final round last week. Exams are over. Assignments are over. There is no more restart button (my friend Daniel, used to say that it all restarts at the beginning of the semester - the classes, assignments and end of sem exams). This particular phase of life will be over.

I thought that after all the exams and assignments especially, I'd feel this sense of great freedom and relief. I think what Mr Allen said is more appropriate -it's more of a process of winding down.

For now, the finishing line is FINALLY in view. Personally, the last year has taught me that it's about so much more than the last 4 years. In part, it's a closure of what He's begun in 1999. It's taken me 10 years and the finishing line is almost here. The journey still goes on for there will always be another milestone to reach. However, I am almost there at the upcoming one. I am almost there. I am almost there....

Craziness - for the final week *hopefully*

Haven't been blogging much lately as I've been trying to put aside everything that distracts and concentrate on studies.. I still find that I need to put a whole lot more effort on a paper than previous years but it's been definitely better than last sem.

Anyways, just thought to note down here that it's going to be a super crazy week ahead, still finishing up some papers, 2 final exams, reflection papers to complete, leading pastoral group on Wed, have dinner to attend and evaluations to finish up and leading worship on Sunday (and I still feel I've left out one or two things *sigh)... Am looking forward to the coming Sunday after church service when things will finally die down.. Lucy's suggestion of sleeping for three days after everything's over sounds REALLY GOOD right now. In the meantime, value prayers for this coming week.... :) Will try to write more after this... Have so many ideas stuck in my head at the moment - just no time to get it out.. :p

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you-- the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm-- he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Funny Facebook Song

What is That?

We watched this in counseling class today. I really liked it. :)

Crazy Conversation with self

Stressed-out-me: Man, there's so much to do.. Dun know if I can finish by next friday.. I blame it on you.. getting me more and more stressed out... If only you didn't take so darn long to finish one paper... STOP making changes!

Perfectionist-me: Aiyah.. But then- if you simply do your work, you're going to regret not putting in more later..

Stressed-out-me: But then.. I'm killing myself here..

Perfectionist-me: Just till next Fri lah..

Stressed-out-me: But that's exactly it.. Friday is so close lah!! Stop dawdling with the work!! Having exam some more..

Perfectionist-me: chill lah...

Stressed-out-me: what chill?!?! stop chilling lah you.. Dun care d... dun care what grade you get lah.. just finish the dratted papers!

Perfectionist-me: but... but...

Stressed-out-me: stop 'but' - ing... get the work done... hey 'taking-a-break-me'.. stop blogging and whatever not and get back to work!

Taking-a-break-me: ok ok... But you guys just stop arguing.. It's driving ME crazy..

Perfectionist-me & Stressed-out-me: Whatever.... (And the two goes back and to their never ending argument)..

The-rest-of-me: *GROAN*

Assignments.. :p

Think positively

From: comics.com

Live For Today - Natalie Grant

This song's got a groovy rhythm. A good reminder for where I am right now.



Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up Your Word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that You've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

C:
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in Your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live for it today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count
And counting every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the here and now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is how...

CHORUS

B:
My oh so crazy life
It's got me spinnin' round and round
Hanging upside down
Takin' one step at a time
Holding Your hand all the way
And it'll be okay

For Fun

Would You?

The 'big one' is coming
I already feel its beginning
Help me to continue to look up
In spite of the pouring rain

I still hear Your voice calling
Loud and clear
Reminding me of what's ahead
Plans that are awesome

But for now, I ask
Would You help me through this next mile?

Quote by Henri Nouwen

To live the spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. The movenment from loneliness to solitude is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from restless senses to restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to fearless play.
- Henri Nouwen (Reaching Out, pp34-35) -

Never Alone - BarlowGirl

I waited for you today
But you didn't show - No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

C:
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Thought

To have grace is to give grace.
To be forgiven is to forgive.

Quote

God will not give you power unless you understand His love- for power without love corrupts. - Dr Chew Tow Yow.

Thought

One's perspective isn't always right. Sometimes people are further than you think they are.

Fog of Time

From: Boy On A Stick And Slither

Thought

Sometimes your calling of obedience does not make sense. But I see again that Your Ways are so much higher. Thank You for sparing me the greater pain.

You Were There - Avalon

Song for this Sabbath

Thoughts

I feel like I have these bits of jigsaw pieces in my hand but not able to put it all together. In my weakest moment, I wonder if I'd ever have the time to do so. I had a much needed conversation with my cousin last nite and one thing is certain: somehow, somewhere, when this craziness is all over - I need the time to put it together before I move on to the next milestone.

In the meantime, I have to remind myself that faith is only exercised when I can't get any further with my own strength.

Also, I am reminded of how Rabbi ended the Isaiah class on Thurs - to trust in God rather than human political alliances that we deem as advantageous to us. His story about being disappointed when trusting in people really struck a chord. His sharing definitely contributed to another piece of the puzzle.

Quote

We tend to pick up the best of Christianity and compare with the worst of other faiths. - Dr Tan Kang San (Ministry in a pluralistic context)

Thought

Challenge in Malaysia is not just to have as many Christians – but also what kind of Christians. - Dr Tan Kang San

TEE Class -Ministry in a pluralistic context

Over the last two weekends, I attended a TEE Class 'Ministry in a Pluralistic Context'. Dr Tan Kang San, our lecturer, was an excellent teacher and it was an interesting class throughout. It was also fun interacting with my class mates overall. Personally, I've learnt a lot from the class about contextualisation, about dialogue and the importance of being willing to learn and understand people of other faiths. It has definitely been one of my favourite classes.

Quote

"It seems that the Christ that has come to us is an Englishman, with English manners and customs about him…Is not Christ’s native land nearer to India than England? Are not Jesus and his apostles and his immediate followers more akin to Indian nationality than Englishmen? Why should we then, travel to a distant country like England, in order to gather truths which are to be found much nearer our homes? Go to the rising sun of the East, not to the setting sun of the West, if you wish to see Christ, in the plenitude of his glory." - Keshub Chunder Sen

My Cousin...

Am so proud of my cousin who came out in a Malay Mail article today! Read more below:

Sky's the limit when determination conquers disability

Ng's determination to succeed conquers his disability

Joseph Kaos Jr

Friday, July 31st, 2009 06:56:00

TRUE GRIT: Ng says he is lucky to have helpful colleagues

HOW many able-bodied people can boast of having earned RM2 million in sales before turning 30?

Not many to be sure but Ng Kien Ti has achieved this feat despite having cerebral palsy, a condition that he has to live with for life.

"Basically, my legs do not have the strength to walk or stand," said Ng, who uses a walker to move around.

Still, this disability didn't stop him from chalking up nearly RM2 million in sales within 15 months. Ng is a business development executive handling group travel agency bookings online for hotels.

His achievement comes from his remarkable self determination.

At 28 years of age, Ng has already served at several major hotels in the city as a business development executive.

He is now the e-business development manager at Dorsett Regency Hotel, Jalan Imbi, which he joined two months ago. His job is to keep track of the hotel's website, generate online sales and deal with clients. Despite being new at this hotel, his colleagues have only praise for him.

"Despite his disability, Ng is a very confident person and is full of self-esteem," says colleague Anthony Edwin.

"I am simply touched by his positivity and optimism." Dorsett Regency Hotel general manager Christina Toh said she is very proud to have such a committed and disciplined employee.

"To me, it doesn't matter if one is disabled," said Toh. "Ng completes whatever tasks are given to him and does a good job of it. I only have praise for our ‘star' employee!"

Ng is thankful that he is blessed with having the right people around him. "Every where I go, there are always people who are willing to help me go up stairs or lift things, which I am very grateful for.

"My colleagues especially, are very nice people. Everyone is kind and helpful. The hotel is like a second home to me, which suits its tagline 'You'll never miss home'!"

Ng is grateful to his parents who were a major source of encouragement. "My father and mother insisted that I continued studying all the way to my degree so that I could secure a good career," said the computer programming graduate.

"My parents' faith in me to succeed in life is still an encouragement for me to do well."

An independent person, Ng has even travelled around the world to countries such as China and Singapore, by himself.

"I don't think my disability is any dissuasion for me to go out and visit other places in the world," said Ng, who enjoys computer games, comedy films and music by Andrea Bocelli.

"When I was little, I pondered why God chose for me to be this way, and it made me rather depressed," Ng revealed.

"Then I started realising that being depressed over it isn't going to improve things. I told myself that I am who I am, and I am going to make the best out of the worst."

God Only Knows - Joy Williams

You're in one of those seasons
Everything seems to go so wrong
Wish I could give you a reason
But even I'm barely holding on

When it's hard to find the answers
Let this be your hope

C:
God only knows all your broken pieces
Only He knows what you're going through
God only knows what you hide inside
And He's holding onto you
God only knows

You've had your fill of questions
There's so much that you need to know
I don't blame you for asking
But it's time to let go of control

And I'm sorry for what you're feeling
Please hold on to this hope

Come on, come on, He knows your pain
Come on, come on, hold onto faith
Come on, come on, you're on your way
My friend, your struggle has an ending day

Ramblings

Now with Plurking, blogging seems to have taken a bit of a backseat - hence there's been less posts. It's definitely easier to type in one-liners rather than a paragraph or several paragraphs. Nevertheless, have no fear, I'm endeavoring to keep on posting from time to time.

Lots have been going on especially in the last week. Patches, our family dog died cos she was run over by a car just outside our house. It's been a little hard for us not to see her cheerful expectant face whenever we are in outside our house. I opted to sit outside the gate while waiting for my sis to pick me up cos it was just weird. The garden seems so empty without her.

Also, we had a bit of a scare - mum contracted a rather high fever that wouldn't go down and flu on Saturday. For a moment there, the doc said there was the possibility of her getting H1N1. She had just come back from a trip overseas - so it didn't seem impossible. Her fever has thankfully gone down and she's now up and about again.

I'm definitely in a much better frame of mind in the last few weeks. Despite the busyness of life (last week I had pastoral group duty, steward group duty, extra night class and extra TEE class to attend, a presentation due - all these on top of my usual workload), I'm glad to find that I'm still standing - something that I'm not taking for granted.

Other interesting stuff happened - with my second cousin (whom we are all very fond of) and it was good to hear from a friend I've lost contact with for a long time now(reminded me of the good ol' days of music jamming and just good fun).

This coming week's not going to much different from the last (except for the presentations and group duties). It's a crazy semester for me - lots to read and write within a short time. It seems that the for next few weeks, I'll be camping out in the library or being sequestered in my/lucy's room whenever I have no classes. I'll also try to drop in on some lecturers whom I've not been 'visiting' during my break. :)

Patches

I heard the news yesterday that our family dog of 8 years, Patches, was run over by a car. She has been our favourite dog because of she is super intelligent and is rather human-like behaviour. She will be greatly missed by our family. :(

Week 6!!!

Week six is officially over (in STM).. It's generally a crazy week for me!! I had been preparing for my presentation on Thurs for my counseling class. It consisted of preparing a ONE HOUR presentation of counseling youth in the issue of parental divorce and another hour of facilitating a case study(I have to do another one on depression in a few week's time *groan*)... An extra 3 hour class of Theology in Asia last nite and have a whole weekend of classes.

It's pretty much the same for me in the coming week - the only diff is I don't have a presentation. :p Have been doing much better overall, coping with things much better and am more or less out of my shell!! Am finally back on the track and am scrambling to catch up on a lot of things - but more doing a fast walk in order not to overdo and to strain myself too much. I look forward to my Sabbath this coming Monday - it'll be the first in the long time where I can really have a break - I'll definitely need it by then.

Quote of the day

Don’t have a dial-up connection with God when you can have broadband. The sad fact is that many of us operate on dial-up connection with Him when we can have a broadband connection.
- Dr Chew Tow Yow

The Medium Makes the Church

My friend, Channel C, highlighted this article in facebook and I thought that it's pretty good.

The Medium Makes the Church
by Meredith Whitmore

Excerpt:
Reflection vs. Formula
It's more than a little interesting to compare contemporary Christian books such as The Purpose Driven Life with the works of Edwards and his predecessors. I'm not criticizing Rick Warren or authors like him. But I do want to establish the typically massive difference in style, tone, vocabulary, intricacy of thought and even theology—between them and the older pieces.

Styles change, certainly. But such differences are deeper than mere preference. They seem to indicate that our very thought processes and concentration levels have changed over the centuries—and drastically over the past 50 years.

With today's American sermons usually clocking in at 30 minutes or less, how would modern churchgoers fare in Edwards' day of three-hour-or-longer services? (Or Nehemiah's and Ezra's day-long readings of biblical law?) And what accounts for our shift from theologically dense hymns and liturgies to more emotionally based praise choruses? How about worship services that include dance and even painting? Though Jesus captivated listeners for hours on hillsides sans microphone, backup singers and video screens, the prevailing fear among pastors now is that their churches—buoyed by hilarious skits, rock bands and audiovisual effects—will still be thought of as dull.

So what's caused these intellectual and spiritual shifts? Any number of sociological and technological factors, to be certain. But the biggest culprit is likely media; churches are competing with television, movies, cell phones, video games, concerts and the Internet for people's attention.

This isn't a positive thing. (Read more here)

Time

From: www.comics.com

A good weekend

It's been a rather hectic but great weekend - Irwin and Vanessa's wedding was on Sat and was worship leading on Sunday. Spent most of today re-organising stuff in my room - someone gave me a nice big desk and I had to assemble it with my dad (it was super heavy)!

My dad was in a pretty good mood and so I had a great time hanging out with him - when I was not at church. Also, my highlight was my tuaku (mum's oldest brother) came over on a visit on the way back to Melbourne. I used to live with him and his family for a couple of years while I was living there and it's been a long while since I saw him and my aunt. I really enjoyed the time I had with them both and it was really good to be with them again.

When I think of the stuff that's been going on the last few months, this weekend has been a really awesome one overall!

Be Thou Near To Me - by Selah

Oh Lord I come with heart here open
For in my hour of darkness I may be
Seeking the joy of love unspoken
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me

C:
And the holy voices sing “Hallelu!”
Ever will Thy reign be
As I wander through this life
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me

Though in this burden of my making
Yet in the shadows still a light I see
Maker whose love is not forsaking
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me

NT Scholar - first EFC Holy Communion @ STM chapel today

Today, my friend the nt scholar and newly ordained Reverend was the celebrant for Holy Communion at Chapel - it was the first time in EFC style. :) As usual, he looks super serious.. *grin

Quote on inner circles

"The people in the ring are loyal to the ring-not to the people in the ring" - Allen McClymont (Thurs Chapel - 2nd July 2009)

Lead Me To Calvary

My Current Favourite Hymn

Random

I cannot believe it.. Fourth week of final sem is starting... I bet it'll be another blur of a week... :p

Most memorable Holy Communion Service @ STM

Last Thursday(two days ago) was a pretty memorable Holy Communion Service. We had it in Presbyterian style - which meant that the elements would be distributed to the congregation.

Lucy was seated nearer the aisle and had a funny look on her face when the bread came to her. I saw the reason for her look when I looked into the small basket - the bread was flattened and had been cut into some weird shapes rather than the usual square-shaped bread. We both chalked it as leftovers as we were sitting almost at the last row.

Next was the grape juice. We were served with undiluted Ribena rather than the usual grape juice! Apparently the person who prepared the elements forgot to mix it together with water. Everyone was trying very hard not to laugh after drinking the juice - Holy Communion is usually a rather solemn and reverent moment after all. Unsurprisingly there was a lot of Ribena jokes going on that day. ;)

Quote on family

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. -Desmond Tutu

Sometimes our hearts get tangled
And our souls a little off-kilter
Friends and family can set us right
And help guide us back to the light.
~Sera Christann

In time of test, family is best. ~Burmese Proverb

Illustration on purposelessness

I always think that my Senior Pastor has pretty good sermon illustrations. During his sermon two Sundays ago, he gave the illustration of how the Nazis gave the prisoners the task of moving (heavy) stuff to two different places for no particular purpose.

On the first day, they were asked to move the stuff to Area A and it took them the whole day to do it. On the second day, they were to move it to Area B. On the third day, they had to move it back to Area A. Then they had to move it to Area B again on the fourth day. And this went on and on, day after day.

The purposelessness of the task drove the prisoners crazy until they even begged the guards to shoot them. Death was preferable to them then to keep on going on.

Abide with me

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears not bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

I Stand In Awe (Who Can Know)

My Current Favourite Song


Verse 1:
Who can know the mind of our Creator?
Who can speak of wonders yet unseen?
Who can reach the height of understanding?
To play the notes of Wisdom’s melody?

Verse 2:
Who has weighed the dust of every mountain?
Who has walked the mysteries of the deep?
Who has laid the earth on its foundation?
And who conducts the waves upon the sea?

Chorus:
I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
So glorious and true
I stand in awe
I stand in awe

Verse 3:
You have seen the end from the beginning
You have been before the world began
You have reached to me within my darkness
And in the light of mercy now I see

Prayer

Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
- Psalm 4:1 -

Thought

I was watching a show the other day which addresses the issue of suicide. I find it interesting that those around the person was not aware that the person was depressed even though they saw him every single day. They were shocked when he committed the deed. Apparently it’s quite common.

As I think about these last few months, I am struck again and again about how I too, just can't seem to say anything to anyone when something is going truly wrong. Many things seem to be an understatement with a lot of stuff churning beneath. It's seems weird because I generally try to be as open as I can be with those who I am close with.

It's so much easier to put on a mask. You figure that those that don't know you too well will take it at face value. On the other hand, those that know you well enough, may know that something is wrong. You put on the mask anyways, hoping that it's convincing enough cos you don't want them to worry overly much about you...

To get unstuck

A: I don't know how to get unstuck

B: The only wrong thing is.. to do nothing...

From: House S5E14

I stand in awe - Parachute Band

Tired

It can't be because of lack of sleep - I've definitely been having an average of more than 8 hours a night. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's an emotional thing.

Dear Lord, I'm just feeling so tired.

One day at a time

Over the weekend, a good friend of mine reminded me to take one day at a time - especially when I shared my anxiety in returning to the seminary for my final semester. A lot of fears were crowding me in - how I was going to fit back in, if I would be able to finish up assignments still pending, if I'd return to my depressed state when I get back.

I've definitely been doing much better in the last two weeks - being back at the church office among people who has always been like family to me and encourage me on in my journey (even though they may not be for seminary studies themselves) has helped me a lot to keep on going. Aunty Lai Sheong and Aunty Irene reassures me that they are always praying for me. Sue has been taking me out for meals and just listening to my woes. Dennis, reminds me of servanthood with his ever cheerful attitude, listening ear and willingness to help others. Uncle Nicky who tries to make me laugh, Leon and EJ who welcome me into their room when I just need peers to just talk about inconsequential stuff. Pr Aaron who tries to connect with me and asks how I'm doing every morning. Especially, there's Pr Choon Meow who's always concerned about where I am and trying to help me move on - listening to my thoughts and giving me gentle advice for hours on end. There are days when I've been so hard on myself that his constant acceptance of me has helped me to see God's love in the midst of it all and helped me to heal. I think that every church should have a pastor like him. There's even my ministry boss Adrian who, though he doesn't say much, reminds me how much I need to keep on going for what's ahead.

I've been better that I was able to worship lead on Sunday morning AND afternoon! Lots of people came up that morning and told me that they were ministered to. I felt really humbled as most of the songs that I chose for the Sunday morning service spoke to me in the midst of my struggles these last few months. In the afternoon, I was so glad for my friend, Kar Yong, who was ordained on Sunday afternoon that though I felt rather overwhelmed, I could keep on going. I had a good cry when I went home but I'm glad to have survived the day - two weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to make it at all.

It's still been up and down for me - but God has been really good. I enjoyed yesterday's quiet day - for once we were encouraged to be silent for 5 hours and just to seek God. Personally, it was no difficulty - there has been days when I rarely spoke in the last few months. For me, it was just good because in the first hour it struck me that I was among a LOT of people after being mostly alone in the last few months and for a while I thought I was going to have another panic attack. The silent time gave me time to turn back to God for strength to stay on till the end of the service at 4.30pm. The passages on Elijah really spoke to me and reminded me of God's love and care for me in the midst of my feeling overwhelmed.

It's my second day back in STM today and I'm glad to say that I'm still hanging on. As I settle stuff for this semester, I'm able to say that a small part of me is glad to be back. I'm thankful for lecturers who have been really understanding and have been kind to me in so many ways. I suppose that I expected some of them to be more cross or harsh with me but they have been very caring. I have also been given a little more time and space to settle a few more things - of which I am VERY grateful for. Out of concern for me, one lecturer even forbid me from being involved in one of the STM projects when one of my friends tried to get me involved. I'm also thankful for my friends who are trying to watch out for me during this time and at the same time understanding that I can't be with them all this week (cos I still need some time to go back to my shell).

Most of all, I'm super thankful that it looks like I'll be able to graduate this year after all. It's been quite a big question mark for me in the last few months.

For those of you who are reading this, I ask for you to continue to pray for me as I go on this final lap of my journey in the seminary. For now, I'll keep on taking my good friend's advice and take one day at a time. :)

Prayer

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

* Psalm 27:7-9 *

Thoughts

I'm worried and a bit anxious (ok, maybe more than a bit). I know that You said not to be. I know You said to be thankful and to submit my requests to you. I am thankful. I'm thankful for this last week to be where I am. I'm thankful for being able to laugh. I'm thankful for the times when I don't feel so stupid or useless.

BUT.....

Every time I think of what's ahead, of moving from here, I'm worried. It's like I'm suffocating and I almost can't breathe.

I don't know. Perhaps it means that I don't trust in You enough.

The thing is, I do believe in You. Help me to overcome my unbelief.

Silence

This songs just so speaks to where I am right now.


Are You listening to anything that I say?
'Cause I've been praying
How many prayers can I pray?
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking I can't hear You
How much longer will this last?

C:
So okay- answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust
You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay - answer me with silence

Why do I question Your intentions for me?
When Your affection is a proven legacy
Oh Father, Father Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

For Fun

From: Comics.com

A tiny step

Came out of 'my shell' just for a little while today - and it was nice. :)

Live To Worship

A simple offering is all that we bring
We give our lives, claim you as King
We are Your servants
And before You we bow
With every breath we make this vow

CHORUS
We will live to worship, give You praise
With all our hearts for all our days
Father we want to do what You created us to
We will live to worship You

Our every moment is a gift of Your grace
We are all Yours, now and always
More than just words, O Lord
The cry of our hearts -
Is to let our lives speak of how great You are

B:
You are worthy, You are holy
You alone are deserving
You are holy, You are worthy
You alone are deserving

Just for fun

From: Yahoo Photos

Expressing stuff

Ever have the feeling when you're super upset and there's this turmoil of emotions within? And there's all these words stuck deep down and it just doesn't come out either because you'll break into pieces or it's just super stuck? And in the end, all you can do is put on a stoic face and say 'ok'... But it frustrates you all the more, because you can't express what's going on within you and you leave the other person totally clueless(and totally misunderstand you). It's like that with me nowadays.

O Thou, in Whose presence

O Thou, in Whose presence my soul takes delight
On Whom in affliction I call
My comfort by day, and my song in the night,
My hope, my salvation, my all.

Where dost thou, dear Shepherd.
Resort with thy sheep,
To feed them in pastures of love?
Say, why in the valley of death should I weep,
Or alone in this wilderness rove?

Oh why should I wander, an alien from Thee,
Or cry in the desert for bread?
Thy foes will rejoice when my sorrows they see,
And smile at the tears I have shed.

He looks, and ten thousands of angels rejoice,
And myriads wait for His word;
He speaks and eternity, filled with His voice,
Re-echoes the praise of the Lord.

Dear Shepherd, I hear and will follow Thy call,
I know the sweet sound of Thy voice.
Restore and defend me, for Thou art my all,
And in Thee I will ever rejoice.

To Keep on Going

It's been two months - almost three. To my friends who I know care about me - I'm sorry for not picking up calls or replying sms-es (or take a long time to do so). Thank you for not giving up or caring for me. Maybe it's the fear of getting tongue tied or am just not ready yet - most days, answering the phone or getting online seems to be the hardest thing to do. I seem to have this need to be alone. Else it feels as if all that I'm trying to put together will shatter - that I will shatter. Worse still, remain broken forever. Nevertheless, for those who do get through to me at opportune times(on days when I'm up to it), thank you for not giving up. Your encouragements
during those times help me to keep on going. It helps to know that I'm still not alone.

In some sense I've been in a shell - sort of like the Malay saying 'katak di bawah tempurung' (frog under the coconut shell). And in another sense, I've been on a journey - one of which I've can't seem to see the end at the moment. It's been a hard one so far. Most days I find myself crying - though it's now mostly on the inside and there are now more days where things almost seem normal. Somewhere along the line, I've slipped and almost lost my faith (and have thought about what it would be like to die) but God in His mercy seems to be reassuring me in different ways that He is with me.

Someone reminded me a couple of weeks ago - to keep on taking steps.. Even if it's one a day. Even if it's just a baby one. Am taking that advice to heart. Though it seems most days that to take that one step is costing everything I have. Though it's hard to go on these last two weeks cos my mentor's away and I've been super sick. When I look back these last two months, perhaps I'm not moving as much as people think I should - or it doesn't look as if I've moved. To me, I've moved farther than where I thought I could go two months ago. And it's given me hope - to keep on going.

His Strength Is Perfect

Thanks to Siew Hoong who emailed me this link. It started another bout, but it was a great reminder for me where I am now - that I can take the next step.. Even though it might be a baby one.

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in his power the weak becomes strong
His strength is perfect

Sigh