Blurting out my thoughts

It is rather annoying that when you have so many ideas in your head - there is no computer around to blog. What is also annoying is when you do finally sit down in front of the computer to blog, your mind becomes quite blank. Worse - you know that the thoughts you currently have to blog are far inferior to the ones that you thought about when you did not have the computer and those 'superior' thoughts just eludes you! *sigh*
I guess that I'll just have to make do with my current sub-standard thoughts and hopefully, the 'superior' thoughts will come back while blogging *grimace*.

It's been a long weekend - am facing the fact of the amount of work that I have to do for church.. I've been trying to take it easy and cut my work load. But I'm again faced with the fact that I have to work really hard for something that I'd really like to do - such as attending OM Teenstreet 2006. I really really really hope that my church leaders will let me go for that week. I'm excited about the stuff that's already started for TeenStreet 2006- the availability of a seemingly impossible venue has been one of the greatest barrier that has been overcome and it is only June! 6 more months to TeenStreet!!!

On another note, though tiring, it's been a rather good weekend. I've had opportunities to connect with people and to build friendships. It started with yesterday morning when I auditioned a form one guy for drums. Made conversations with another friend who I've not talked to for a while during lunch and it was really good. Got to talking with one of a long time worship singer and just shared struggles with work and studies. Also talked to another form 5 girl about SPM and about life in the afternoon as well. Also managed to catch up with a fellow worship leader and just to find out what's going on in his life. Then caught up with my dad - who was surprisingly at home instead of Camerons.

This morning, I caught up(very briefly) with another friend who's headed to the mission field for the next month, then made conversations with someone I made friends with 10 years ago but have left the church after he married. It was good to meet up with him again. Got to talking with another worship leader and with DT and catching up with her as well. Am also contemplating taking some vocal lessons from her. Oh well - that's still in contemplation stage. Last but not least, I caught up with 3 other of my service team mates from OM Teenstreet during our reunion this afternoon. We had a great time of catching up with one another - what's going on in each other's lives -alongside with food and drinks. It was great to see Foo Seng and Jin Ai and their 2 month old baby. It was great to see the Val and Ken and Pari too and just to have fellowship with them and to share life stories.

*phew*.... I'm glad I finally finished this entry. It's been a rather long day and i'm just tired d. Another long day ahead tomorrow too. :P

Dear God,
Thank you for friendships and all the people you've placed in my life. Thank you for the restful sleep that i'm about to partake. Good nite...

Spirit to catch up with my body

"We are giving time for our spirits to catch up with our bodies." - saying by Indian guides.

I was reminded of this phrase just yesterday when I came across it in an online journal. I first heard this when I attended a conference at Ps Elisha's church some time ago.

How apt this phrase is for me at the moment! It's been a long week of morning, afternoon and evening of Old Testament Intro. The classes are good - but it still feels like it's been a loooonnnnnggg week... Feel like my spirit really needs to catch up with my body! There's just so much that needs to be absorbed and to go through though. Classes officially starts next week and I foresee taking a week or two to really settle down... So much for my initial plans - am reminded of another saying - "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry". :)

Oh God - help me to continually lean on You and not go ahead of You.

OT intro

Classes has officially started today (Yesterday was 'quiet day' where someone came to speak and we were supposed to do reflections).

As our lecturer for Old Testament Introduction has been sick and our replacement lecturer is due overseas next week, we are having intensive replacement class for the subject before he leaves. This morning we studied the great ancient civilizations - the Egyptian, Aramean and Assyrian civilization. It has been a rather fascinating to learn about the context of Israel in the light of these civilizations. What has struck me the most is God's timing and how God placed Israel where it was - it was just amazing to see the Old Testament within the bigger picture. I think I will never quite read OT the same way ever again. And I now understand a little bit more about God being - the Lord of hosts.

Night before the start of second semester at STM

Current feeling: Contented
Currently listening to: When You Believe (Prince of Egypt)

Am back in my room in STM. It's just absolutely fantastic to be back. Good to see faces that I didn't realised that I missed in the past four weeks.. In the girls dorm, everyone is just welcoming everyone back- it's nice.
Have looked at the timetable for the next week - it looks horrendously busy... So much for my plans to go out for a movie. *sigh* It'll have to be postponed for now. Nevertheless, I am anticipating the new semester and wondering at what I'm going to learn - just can't wait (I'll prolly regret saying this when the assignments start)!!!!! Am just savouring the moment.*contented sigh*



Dear God,
Thank You for Your blessings - for putting me here in STM to study and grow. Most of all, thank You for the blessing of friends around me and ppl in STM community.

Happy Belated Birthday Sherman!

I know that this post comes a day late, but some things just should not be left unsaid (anyways knowing you, the lateness of this post prolly bothers me more than it does you - if it does at all :) ). I'm writing this to express all that I couldn't in the sms.

To my friend Sherman,
Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a great friend. Though I've only known you for less than half a year, you've already impacted my life more than some people that I've known for years. You've accepted me for who I am and I'm thankful -cos I've learnt what it is not to have to wear a mask and know that I'll be loved for who I am anyways, warts and all.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a teacher. Though you're not exactly my lecturer -yet you've challenged my views on life in many ways and have caused me to re-examine and consolidate my thoughts. "Objectify-ing", "' I- it'ing", "'I-thou'-ing", "embodiment", "friend of God", "journeying together", "brokenness", "dignify-ing", etc... are stuff that you've taught me in the past few months that I'm quite sure I'll be carrying with me for the rest of my life.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a big brother. Your care and concern for the three of us have not gone unnoticed and unappreciated. The ice-cream sessions, going out for food, movies, hanging out at your place and studying together have been very much treasured (especially the ice creams -hehehe).

Happy Belated Birthday - yes, age should be just a number... when we look at you, we don't look at you as a 30 year old *cheeky grin*. Rather - we see you as a friend, teacher and big brother. You being you have been a great blessing to me and those around you. Thank you.

Holiday reflection and highlights

Current feeling: Sleepy/longing to go home and spend time with family/reflective/can't wait to go back to STM and settle down for the new semester

Am back in the office again after a fantastic week-long holiday. Didn't go anywhere exotic or different, but because of the company I had, it was definitely one of the best breaks/holidays that I had. :)

Cameron Highlands holiday highlight
The tea times at Boh plantation and Cameron Valley - just sitting with my friends and just talking and kidding around.
Visit to OA village with dad and oli, dan and sk.
SK's message on Trinity.
Seeing dad through sk's and dan's eyes - learnt to love dad more.
The guys wrestling in the middle of the night - that was just super hillarious.

JB highlights
Meeting dan's family - felt really at home in his place (like home away from home). His family is so nice and similar to mine(except for our dads)..
Eating supper with dan's family at their longtime family fav place near the seaside facing singapore....
Lunch at Victor's - had fried sardine balls for lunch with curry and rice for the first time - it was yummy.
Eating ice kacang 'up on a tree' with jacob, his gf, ben and dan
Having breakfast with lucy and dan - eating half boiled eggs and bread.. Yummy!


Singapore highlights and comments
Major highlight was meeting up with my closest cousin sherene. Was there for under under 24 hours but every moment spent with her was precious. It was just like good old times where we just have so much to share with each other and how God seems to be teaching us the same lessons at the same time. As usual, parting was not easy.

Comments on Singapore: Don't think I would want to live there in the long term. Though it reminded me of Melbourne (the home of my heart), there was just too many people around. After being conditioned to living in Seremban, living in kl already takes some adjustment. Singapore life is just so crazy where everyone is just so BUSY and RUSHED. *shudder* Nevertheless, it was just good to go for a day - the most I think I can take is prolly one week to visit friends.

Additionals
Learnt to watch world cup - though I'm not exactly a soccer fan. But dan's patient explanation of the rules and stuff helps in understanding the game.

Dear God,
Thanks heaps for the awesome holiday and awesome friends. After all, all good things come from you. I'm truly grateful.

Checking in and checking out

Am in JB rite now at a friend's house - just came back from a great holiday trip with my friends. Had a great time sleeping, eating, chatting (we did a lot) and laughing, drinking tea, watching dvds and football matches.

Lots to think about and learnt a lot of things - about myself and learnt to appreciate my dad a whole lot more than I used to. :)

okies... checking out now. Am tired and want to have a shower and hang out wiht my friend's family which reminds me a lot of mine.. heheh.

Some thoughts for today

I think my mind's turning into mush.. I was mid-way reflecting on something this morning and half way through, I lost my train of thought! :P It's must be because of editing the songbook for church - tiring, repetitive and tedious work... Thank God I'm almost done! Another 100+ songs to go and I'm DONE!!! - well I have the indexing to do - but it's easy peasy compared to the editing bit. I salute editors who do this kind of job everyday... My poor eyes are protesting from staring intently at the screen for hours at the time for the third week in a row now...

Speaking of tiredness, I'm really looking forward for the holiday with my friends!! A break is going to be very much needed after these 3 weeks and the past few months of working hard. My body is feeling like it's gonna get sick soon. *grimace* Uncle Sam seems to have this sadistic pleasure in stacking more stuff on top of my desk for me to go through or to distribute in the past few days.. :P Everytime when I think that I've cleared the pile, more arrives on my desk-AARrrgghhhh!! Add Uncle LD's request to the list.. *die*

Other than my goals to complete the songbook, I've thankfully managed to look through some materials for Christmas and at least came out with one material with gramps and DT (Had a great time having 'girl-talk' over lunch with her today*grin*). Managed to catch up with a couple of ppl - but not as many as I'd hope. SA's gone for a mission conference in Singapore and things seems to be quieter around here without her...*sigh*

Ok - back to the editing - still have another 30 songs or so to go for today. *grimace* God please refresh my poor eyes.

Following You

I'm desperate for You today
I'm weary with the problems that I see around me
I want to give up struggling, I want to give up fighting
I just want to break down and cry
For those who are hurting, for those who are lost and need You
The day is only half way through and I already feel exhausted
Please be my strength for another day - for today

I say this with apprehension and fear
Knowing nonetheless that Your ways are always better than mine
"Guide me and lead me today - I'll follow where You lead"
Trusting that You'll provide strength along the way
Trusting that even if it gets harder
You love me - and that is enough

Redeemed

My eyes are fatigued from staring at the screen the whole day. Am still in the office-have just decided to take a break and take pity on my poor eyes(I can type my thoughts out with my eyes closed) that has been staring at the screen most of the day.
Jazz music's playing in the background. Quite soothing. :)

Have been reading this book called 'Atonement Child' which addressed the issue of abortion in fiction form. The brings to life the struggle that women goes through when they decide to abort a child. The main story is about a girl who was raped and became pregnant and the choices that she had to make and how her circumstances affected her family - especially her mother and her grandmother who went through abortion for different reasons and the pain they felt after.

One thing that sticks out after reading the book is the word 'Redemption'. Never realised how beautiful the word is....
I am blown away by the fact that I am redeemed by God...
Against all reason and human comprehension- I am redeemed..

Offering

Paul Baloche

The sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
There is no shadow in Your presence
No mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
Before the holy one of heaven

Pre-Chorus
It's only by Your blood
And it's only through Your mercy, Lord I come

CHORUS
I bring an offering of worship to my king
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus, may You receive the honor that You're due
O Lord I bring an offering to You

You Are...

You are my Best Friend
You are my Father
You are my God
You are my Lord
You are my Saviour
You are my Redeemer
You are the Lover of my Soul
You are my Help in time of need
You are my Strong Tower
You are my Rock
You are my all in all....

Starbucks and Used teabags, Mee Rebus and Oranges

It's been a good tiring weekend. On Sunday, it was fantastic to hang out with friends - communing in church, lunching together, discussion for Cross Gen camp, movie (X-Men rocked) and fellowship over dinner.

Yesterday was another awesome day. I'm especially glad to meet up with a dear and wise friend. I've come to realise how it's indeed good to have him and my mum around to give wise counsel. Anyways, I met up with this friend at Starbucks and had great conversation over great coffee. I was challenged by his heart for the poor and the oppressed. I still remember the story of how they were struggling with the loss of a boy in their community that they're living among and ministering to and how much he meant to them. I was amazed when he said of how terribly they are treated - even when they're given stuff... He's seen ppl give 'used teabags' and how much people are calculative when they 'help the poor'. I won't be able to blog about how much he's helping the community he's with and the struggles that he faces in detail. But his life amazes me. I appreciated his openness to share his brokeness with us. I thank God for people such as him in my life to continually challenge me.

Time passed by so swiftly when we were with him... Could have sat there for hours to listen to his stories and his life experience. Went to another friend's house for some fantastic mee rebus (there were chicken and beef!) and there was yummy barley drink...

Went to visit a friend at the hospital after that, and a friend brought oranges (which sue ann was eye-ing shamelessly) hehhe... It was good to see people in Cross Gen congregate in that room and show care and concern for a sister in Christ. :) Am glad to see how people are taking initiative to have fellowship with one another within cross gen - popiah parties get together, board game get together, ice cream get together, baking parties get together, mee rebus get togethers, etc... Am excited to see what God is doing in our midst.

Grace

The thought came to me...
Why did You pick me?
Why did You choose to love me?
When I look inside
There seems to be so much that is in want
So much that is flawed
So much that is broken
So much that is unlovable

And yet...
You died for me
You came and met me where I was
You love me and saved me
From a life of utter hopelessness
You healed my wounds
You still do today
You show me the beauty of things
In the midst of a broken world

Your grace amazes me
My heart is filled with awe and wonder
Of Your love for me
Your love that is unfathomable
It's way beyond my comprehension
Tears of flows down
I'm amazed and left speechless

This week

I have been back in the office for a week now. It's been a long week in some ways and yet short in others. I wish that time would be slower, so I could finish the songbook and then have a good holiday with my friends in couple of week's time. On the other hand, I wish that time would fly, so I could hang out with my friends again-I miss them heaps. (heheh- what a contrary creature I am sometimes).

After being back here for a week, I've discovered that being here once a week is vastly different from being here almost everyday. I've needed to re-adjust to being in the office everyday again. I realised that I miss the greenery in STM and my friends especially. Other than my family,I don't get much interaction with friends. Everyone seems to be busy with their own life (I suppose that I'm at fault as well - the need to get this songbook done does bring out an unsociable side of me). Am also reacquanting myself with the late(r) hours I use to keep here and the frequency of which I used to stay over - more so than my own home. I'm envisioning camping out here next week so that I can finish the songbook on time. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss sports time in STM too. I've been itching to play basketball. It's been ages! Maybe I could go and practice at the sports centre upstairs - but no fun without friends.

Ok- enough with the pity party. One good side of being back is the GOOD FOOD. I'm sure that I've put on some weight since coming back home. Have been eating mum's bah kut teh and other home cooked meals, garlic cheese naan (my fav!) at Roti & Rice, I also had lunch with a colleague and was treated to lamb shanks and the works and today we had staff lunch and we had pizzas AND KFC chicken.... Seriously, how not to put on weight??? :P Added to that, I'm sitting on my butt in the office the whole day....So different from life in STM...

Another 'up' side is I do have one or two evenings to chill out with my mum to watch tv - at least got to see the season finale of American Idol. Was dissapointed that Katherine lost but I think that Taylor deserved it in the end cos he did really well for his last performance.
I've had more time to read other kinds of books. Have been reading a few short mysteries and a few christian novels. Started to read a theology book a friend recommended but am just too tired at night to read heavier stuff at the moment... Brain cannot take it on top of the other stuff that I have on my mind.

A lot of reflections have been going on - some I'm still wrestling with. Some days my head feels heavy with the thoughts that runs through my head. One thing that I was contemplating was about the importance of what I say. I have been rather bewildered by a friend's action from church this week. I'm amazed at the hurtful things that can come out from someone who professes to be a Christian - I know Christians are not perfect people - especially not me. I hope that I'm not like that and if I happen to say things that have hurt others, I hope that I have true friends who will hit me on the head when I do it. I cringe and shudder at the damages caused. My heart just weeps.

On the other hand, I'm glad for friends who speaks encouragement into my life in whatever way. Sometimes, just when the day seems as bleak as night, God sends friends who cheers me up and lift me up. Their words are like a ray of light in a bleak world and like a balm to a hurting wound.

Hmmm.... I think that's all I have to blog for now... My eyes are feeling really bleary from staring at the computer the whole day. They're screaming for a break already.

End of semester reflections

Semester 1 is officially over - the occasion was marked with a wonderful closing service yesterday. The past weeks have been rather crazy - rushing to finish assignments, preparations for exams, packing, tying up odds and ends, trying to spend whatever time left with friends who will be graduating.

As I sit here in the quiet of my church office, I'm beginning to feel the after-effects of being back for the next few weeks. I already miss the community life that I've been accustomed to for the past 5 months. I miss my friends especially (2 of which have just left me here in church about half an hour ago) and can't wait to see them again - at least I'll be seeing two of them next weekend - and am already looking forward to see them again... *SIGH*

As I look back at my time in STM, I've come to realise how much I've grown.. My life has been enriched by many friends - whom I've come to love heaps. I've learnt many lessons - in and out of class. I continually testify to God's sustaining grace - with all the hours of sleep (or rather - lack of sleep) that I keep, I'm amazed that I'm still standing and healthy. I'm amazed that I made it through the semester despite my weaknesses and struggles. On top of that, I'm amazed that I'm doing ok academically - better than I expected(then again, with the time limit that I have, I just expected to just pass my subjects). I'm amazed that I completed my assignments (I've come to realise that I have some serious mental blocks when it comes to assignments that I really need to work on or else I'm just going to die the next semester with the heavier hours).

I will sorely miss Victor the next semester. He has been a great big brother to me and to many others. I will miss the teh tarik sessions of sharing stories with him. One of the things that I'll miss most is that he usually takes me out for great Indian food and encourages me to try new Indian food stuff and patiently explaining to me about them. When we're doing our steward group duty, he gives great advice about what to do and not to do and why... I will miss his patience and understanding with me.

Dear God,
Thank You for this semester and the lessons learnt. Thank you again and again for the many friends that you've placed in my life. Thank You for Daniel, Oliver and Sherman who have blessed me tremendously with their friendship. They've taught me so much about what it means to be friends with You.
Thank You for Jacob who shows his cares and concern for me in many ways. Thank You for Victor, Gerrad, Guna and Jegan who takes me out for teh tarik sessions with them and for the stories that we share. Thank You for Silvester who brings a little bit more colour to life in STM and who is a great friend to me as we share our struggles with our assignments and encourage each other throughout semester.
Thank You for Lee Yng and Lucy- my closest girl friends in STM who I pray together with. Thank You for their support and for their sisterhood.
Thank You for the many others, though I may not know them that well, they've blessed me in many small ways and have made living in STM colourful and wonderful.
Thank You for the lecturers who have dedicated their lives to mold us. I have learnt a lot from many of them.
Thank You Thank You Thank You.

I love You heaps...

Giving my best

Am supposed to be doing some reflections for Christian Spirituality - but got sidetracked by this nice song by GMB "Kuberi yang terbaik"(*sigh* I have to learn to be more focused) and have decided to some reflection on it instead.

I hear many times about giving my best to God. It is preached over the pulpit - and there is so much about giving our best.
I find myself asking, what does it mean by giving my best to God... Is there a boundary? At what cost and by what and whose standard? In what form does it come? I look at my own life that seems to be full of activities and things to do. Many times I do it because I want to give my best - my best years, my talents and abilities - for God. But does if I've got lots of abilities and so little time, how do i give my best and at what cost? Is it at the cost of time with my family, my health, my studies, my rest or fun time with friends? Where does one draw the line? There is an emphasis to give more than we can afford and when one does so, it is considered an act of faith. Where is the line between faith and foolishness?

I wonder....

Weekend entry

I'm back at STM again and am about to finish another assignment by tonight. It's been a long weekend as usual good in some ways and a struggle in others.

The past has a way of coming back and confronting you in many ways. Just this week, my uncle from Melbourne came back. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about him coming here. On one hand, I love him heaps and I know that he loves me and wants the best for me. On the other hand, our last few conversations over the phone have somehow ended with on a slightly sour-ish tinge - mostly because of his ideas of 'a better future' for me clashes with mine and I guess he can't understand the path that I've decided to take (not surprising - a lot of people I'm close to can't understand either) and a few other factors. However, whatever time we had with him was great - and I was reminded of great memories of just hanging out with him in the evenings and helping him with gadgets, talking to him about my aunt and cousin, about church, about gadgets or just watching documentaries or news with him. Realised how much I missed that part of my relationship with him.

I was also reminded about another uncle in my family - I was very close to him until he left for his studies in Australia... Am always saddened whenever I think about him. He is a very broken person - so broken that I wonder if he'll ever heal. I struggle with God and get rather melancholy whenever I remember him. Many times I wonder if our prayers for him will ever be answered.

On another note, in going back to church I find myself again in a very uncomfortable position. It feels like a clash of two worlds sometimes. I struggle with the things I'm learning here in STM and applying it in church. I struggle with the fact that it's hard for people to understand me as to where I'm coming from - then again, should that really matter to me? I continually ask myself, what is the Lord teaching me and what do I do with that? Am I meant to impart it or keep it to myself? If I'm meant to impart - how do I do so? Can I do so without being too lofty to be understood and too idealistic? Is it possible for me to bring them to the place of understanding that I find myself (then again... I'm still learning and internalising what I'm learning so I'm not 'there' yet and then again, I have a feeling that it'll be a long time before I get there - if I ever get there)... Or is it better that I keep quiet and keep my thoughts to myself?? If so, how do I respond when people ask me as to what I'm learning in STM? *sigh*

On a more positive note, my sister's graduation ceremony was today... Had to forgo it but we managed to take photos together. Am so proud and happy for her. :)

He gives and takes away

I went to that place again
Of confusion and wrestling with Him
The struggle of opening the palm of my hands
And giving Him the things that has been in my grasp
The gifts that He had given me
Was perhaps beginning to become more precious to me than Him

So when He asked if I'd give them back to Him
And did not promise to give me something better
Nor promise to give them back to me
I struggled and struggled
Till my soul was weary
And my heart felt bruised again

Slowly, my tightly clenched fists opened
And with palms upturned in surrender
I said to Him "You give and take away"
He in His grace said, "I love you, my child and friend
You may have them again"

With tears in my eyes
I looked at the gifts on my palms
And loved them and appreciated them more
Because they were truly gifts from Him
And they taught me again of His love for me

Food and fellowship

Lucy and Lee Yng - my prayer partners at STM

Had dinner with Lucy and Lee Yng- my prayer partners at STM... Had a great time of fellowship, sharing and praying together in the midst of our final week of classes. It was good just to take a short 'time out' of our assignments and stress and have good food together..

Our drinks - the coffee ice blended was really good. The other two had the toxic looking things - kiwi and carrot... eeewwww

Also went out for lunch with Silvester - another STM student here - had awesome nasi briyani and had a great time of fellowship with him and learning more about his story- about his wife, his calling and his family. I was very encouraged by his sharing and sad that we only had a short time of fellowship as we both had presentations to do after that - which I found out at midnite that I didn't have to do it in the first place cos I was auditing the subject... :P Good thing it's one of my favourite subject... However... Now I have to decide whether I want to do the assignment and change it to a credit subject.. *sigh* decisions, decisions...

Am glad that things are working out in certain areas of my life again - have been feeling rather disconnected cos of stress with assignments. I definitely need to work out something better for next semester - like start earlier!!! *sigh*.... and I should also be looking at my pile of work instead of blogging.... :P