Breaking the silence...

The last couple of weeks have been crazy... Two weeks ago was Chinese New Year. There was the spring cleaning and the Chinese New Year shopping, the travelling to Camerons, hanging out with relatives from Ipoh, lots of eating and fellowship, impromptu visit to Penang to visit an elderly granduncle who missed my siblings and I during Christmas as we were all away(the trip to Penang meant that we were also part of the heavy traffic back to PJ. It took us 9 HOURS to travel back - where it would usually take 5 hours. :p Never again! I tell you.).

When I got back to STM last Monday, I felt so exhausted-and soooooo not ready to face studies. Then it was time to prepare for the mission trip over the last weekend to the OA (Orang Asli-aboriginal tribal group). Thankfully it went well -but it was rather tiring. In the end, I spent most of yesterday - sleeping *grimace*. For the rest of this week, there's the preparations for the STM talent night to refine, this Friday's sharing with my youth group to prepare for, several reports to write, assignments waiting behind in the long queue, a BIG pile of unattended church work, etc...

Time seems rather scarce - and the mood to blog or email has been diminished by the rather crazy internet connection from my room (the other alternative would be to sit outside where the connection is better and be bitten to bits by mosquitoes. I've got blotches of mosquito bites along my limbs - for the times when I've no choice but to risk it. I've been SORELY tempted to subscribe to one of those wireless broadband). It's been hardgoing to get any work done and I've find myself just being very sorely tried.

To make things worse, where previously I would've just thrived on the challenge of juggling everything at once, now it just feels like I have to go through the motions(my siblings and one of my gf pointed this out to me over the last few weeks). Deep down, I find myself going through some sort of an unexplainable funk. Some days I wake up and wonder why on earth I'm doing what I'm doing. Life seems to go on as usual but a part of me feels dissatisfied - things that I used to be comfortable with no longer seems to fit as well as it used to. Something needs to change but am still at a loss at to what. I'm still searching. It's frustrating and even painful at times - the path is lonely . I suppose I cannot expect others to understand what I myself am still trying to understand. *sigh* Perhaps this is why it's been hard to blog....

Happy Chinese New Year!

Chinese New Year is one of my most favourite festivals in the year - probably because of sense of family that comes with it. I love the gatherings around food (those who know me know that I am rather fond of food - and this is definitely a celebration with lots of food). I love just hanging out in the highlands with my family. I love catching up with my cousins. Of course, I also love the ang pau's (red packets - usually there's some money in it and is given by those who are married to those who are single).

However, I must confess that I'm not particularly fond of the pre-New Year preparations. It's been a long long day as I run around shopping and doing house cleaning (I haven't even bought my New Year clothes :( am seriously contemplating not getting any this year. :p However, I don't have anything in red. *sigh* Should've bought some red clothes when I had the chance. :p ). I am ready to collapse. Nevertheless, beneath the busy-ness. I am excited and looking forward to celebrating the New Year in two days time. I am looking forward to reunion dinner with my family this Wednesday nite - my sister will be back from Johor and I have not seen my father in the last couple of months. I am also hoping that my best cousin and her family will also be in the highlands to celebrate the New Year with us. We'll see...

Anyhows, Happy New Year to all of you who will be celebrating the occasion this Thursday. I hope that many of you will also survive with me the hectic New Year preparation period as you do your last minute shopping and home cleaning.. *grin*

Cool quotes

"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light" - John Keith Falconer

"God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him." - Hudson Taylor

"Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God" - William Carey

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose" - Jim Elliot

"We are debtors to every man to give him the gospel in the same measure in which we have received it" - P.F. Bresee

"If a commission by an earthly king is considered a honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?" - David Livingstone

"Lost people matter to God, and so they must matter to us." - Keith Wright

"Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell; I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell." - C.T. Studd

"If Jesus Christ be God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him." - C.T. Studd

"Any church that is not seriously involved in helping fulfill the Great Commission has forfeited its biblical right to exist." - Oswald J. Smith

"We talk of the Second Coming; half the world has never heard of the first." - Oswald J. Smith

"This generation of Christians is responsible for this generation of souls on the earth!" - Keith Green

"If you found a cure for cancer, wouldn't it be inconceivable to hide it from the rest of mankind? How much more inconceivable to keep silent the cure from the eternal wages of death." - Dave Davidson

"Let my heart be broken with the things that break God's heart" -- Bob Pierce

"No reserves. No retreats. No regrets" - William Borden

Busy-ness...

As I write this, I am wondering -how does one share 2 months worth of experience into two pages or 5 minutes!?! I have been asked to write a testimony for a newsletter, a reflection for my field ed and prepare for a 5 minute sharing on Sunday. *sigh* It sometimes seem like I have this penchant for attempting the impossible. :p

Things have been getting busier rather than slowing down in the last week. It's frustrating sometimes as I find myself not even having the time to hang out with my close friends for a teh tarik(cuppa) session as I used to last semester. I AM looking forward to next week when I'll hopefully *cross fingers* be able to rest a little bit more than my nowadays sleeping for 5-6 hours per nite. Am also hoping to be able to catch up on a pile of important personal emails that's waaaaaayyyyyyy overdue. Am seriously beginning to feel like an antisocial person with never ending work - not a particularly good feeling. :p Hopefully after clearing a few more things, the pace of things will be slower.

Other than feeling a little grumpy as I write this (possibly because I NEED MORE SLEEP). I am enjoying my lectures tremendously. Though my lecturer goes like a train sometimes (I am constantly and furiously typing out my notes in class so I don't miss anything), I am tremendously enjoying my classes on the gospel of Mark tremendously. I like the feeling of being blown away by the classes as I learn about why Mark wrote the way he did and the significance of the passages. It's been pretty cool and very very challenging.

I am still missing my friends back in Egypt though thankfully it doesn't sting as much as in the last couple of weeks since I got back. Nevertheless, I fondly remember my friends there and am challenged to continuously pray for them.

STM Ipoh Road Trip 2008

I've just arrived back today in seminary after a good weekend at Ipoh with my first year seminary friends and lecturers. This trip is a yearly event for first years in STM to visit churches of different denominations as well as to be a part of celebrating those who have completed their certificates under ITC (Ipoh Theological Centre).

I was particularly ministered to by Mr Allen's sermon (right pic- first years English Dept and some lecturers in St John's) and I think the first years did a great job in trying to bring out the message that there's more to this life than just going through the motions everyday.

I was also glad to be able to catch up with my 'best cousin'(left pic) as I've not been able to catch up with her since she came back from Singapore and joined my uncle in full time ministry. I was also glad to be able to meet up with my uncle and the rest of his family (except my cousin sister) for dinner before I headed home to PJ (centre pic above). I think it was a good trip overall as I had opportunities to interact more with some of the first year students (I found out one of them have been reading my blog and knows a lot of my church members. :p I also enjoyed my conversations with another girl who has been on the Doulos for 2 years! It was also good fun to know my one of prayer partner's sibling better).

For those who are interested, more pics of the trip may be found here.

Some quotes from St Augustine

Maybe it's because of Criminal Minds (my current favourite tv series). Maybe it's because of training in seminary. I find that I'm learning to appreciate good quotes from people. I was just browsing through some stuff for my theology class and I came across the following quotes that struck me from St Augustine:

"Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being. Do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric? Think first about the foundations of humility. The higher your structure is to be, the deeper must be its foundation."

"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."

"Find out how much God has given you and from it take what you need; the remainder is needed by others."

"God had one son on earth without sin, but never one without suffering."

"I want my friend to miss me as long as I miss him."

"If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself. "

"It is not the punishment but the cause that makes the martyr."

"O Holy Spirit, descend plentifully into my heart. Enlighten the dark corners of this neglected dwelling and scatter there Thy cheerful beams. "

"Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand."

"Punishment is justice for the unjust."

"Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul."

"This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections."

"Thou hast created us for Thyself, and our heart is not quiet until it rests in Thee."

"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like."

Ramblings and focusing on Jesus..

My church friends in Cairo tell me that they will be away for a conference over the next few days. Each of them have different hopes for the conference and I pray that God will speak to them and minister to their needs. I will miss talking to them online.

I will be away this weekend for a STM Ipoh road trip. In a way, it's an unexpected blessing to be able to go(I was asked to go to help out with the first years) because I missed attending it in my first year due to church work. I'm also looking forward for an opportunity to spend some time with my best cousin in between. I have lots to catch up with her. :)

I have a pile of work to do before I sleep - it looks like it might be another couple of hours and I have a 4 hour theology class tomorrow. *groan* Not that I detest the class- I quite like most(if not all) of my classes this semester - it's just that I hate being tired and having a class that's going to run for that long at the same time. :p

In the last week, I find myself being VERY VERY busy. I guess it's partly due to the fact that I'm getting adjusted into the momentum of juggling everything at the same time again - work at church, studies, life in seminary, spending time with friends and family. Added to that list, is the responsibility of year rep in the EXCO(Student Body Committee member of STM) and being a social committee chairperson. Due to the fact that things are slightly delayed this year, I find myself having lots to catch up as a social committee chairperson. The first event is on 20th Feb and I've yet to get started on the event much less getting the committee together for our first meeting to plan and hand out responsibilities. On top of social committee, there is the added dimension of keeping in touch with friends in Cairo as often as I can. To my family members(read Sellim) in Egypt, if you are reading this, I will send you a guys an email soon - I've received your mails and have tried to write but so many things have been screaming for attention. Nevertheless, no matter how busy, you are all in my thoughts and prayers constantly.. I assure you that my silence does not mean that you have been forgotten.

In the midst of busy-ness, I'm thankful as I sense God's continual presence. As I continue in my journey in seminary and juggle the many facets of my life - both old and new - I sense that He is right here by my side and I'm overwhelmed by His grace and love. In times of worry and struggle, He has brought me comfort in the last few weeks. Again I realise, it's not because of me and my own strength that I keep on going - it's because of Him. I am reminded again and again to focus on Jesus in so many ways - in chapel, during quiet time, during my Sabbath, during conversations with friends, etc... Sometimes, I worry about what I cannot see - about the future and what will happen to me or my family. Again and again, I am reminded to look to Jesus in the midst of the storm. As I learn again and again to look to Him, an amazing thing seems to happen - the storm no longer matters and I no longer feel like I'm sinking. On the contrary, the struggles of life that still rages around me no longer seems to matter as much as He. I learn then that I am able keep on going on one step at a time and do what seems impossible - walking on water (or in my case, coping with everything at the same time)...

Dear God- please help..

Dear God,

I'm so worried for my friend. I don't know what to do. I hate this sense of helplessness. I hate the distance in between. Please intervene somehow. I do not want to betray his trust and yet, I'm worried about what he might do. Help me to trust more in You. Help me to remember that You can do all things and You are more than able to help him through all this. I am struggling to remember that right now.

Somehow, you allowed our paths to cross so that we are now friends. Somehow, you led me to ask him how he was doing today. Please show me what you want me to do as I sense that time is getting short. Thank You for friends there who are willing to help - through prayer and through their availability. Dear God, please help....

To Her...

I still think about you and wonder how you are doing each day. I was sitting in church yesterday and when someone was sharing about how God has changed her life, I wished so much that one day you will be like her.

There was joy mixed with sorrow as I read your letter yesterday afternoon. I was glad to finally hear from you, and yet your pain and struggle made me yearn so much to be with you - to bring you a bit of comfort and to let you know that you have a friend that you can count on. I am still your friend. Inshallah, I will always be your friend...

Future STM lecturer?

More photos found here

Classes begin, still feeling homesick, lots to do...

Classes for the new semester begins tomorrow morning, or more accurately, in approximately 8 hours. I don't know if I've adequately prepared myself to face classes for this semester. I'm still struggling with missing Cairo though it's been 2 and a half weeks that I've been back. It's not so much the city itself that I miss. It's the people - I miss my family, I miss my friends in church and I miss my teacher. As I told one of my dear brother there today, I find myself thinking about them everyday. I spoke with one of my church friend online in Arabic yesterday and it was a very good time of conversation - and yet, I just felt very sad because of the distance between us. I miss our conversations in the microbus on the way back from church(it generally is one of the few times that we can catch up as my friend is one of the most happening people in my church in Cairo). I miss my family and wonder how my sister is keeping. I wonder how big brother and sister and their children are doing. I miss seeing and playing with thier children and hearing them saying 'Miss Ruth, this.. Miss Ruth that..."

I AM glad to be back. Don't get me wrong. It's been good to be with family and with friends here. It's been good to be able to eat Malaysian food again. I am enjoying fellowship with my different group of friends. Yet, when I am alone in my room or when I'm online talking with friends back there, I feel frustrated sometimes. I acutely feel that a part of me is missing - that I left it back with them and am not too sure how to get it back, or if I ever will. I thought that I'd be back to 'normal' by now - whatever normal used to be...

This semester I am looking forward to the some of the subjects that I'll be taking - Cross Cultural missions, Counselling, Pastoral leadership, Theology, Hebrew and studying the book of Mark. Am toying with the idea of overloading a bit more and taking an additional subject - to free up some time for next year when I have to do my thesis. Will have to see how my results are so far.

I have yet to catch up with a ton of church people - worship department meetings, my close friends, my pastors, etc... I get tired when I think about it. Again, I am reminded that I just need to continually walk closer to God - what with the struggle of missing Cairo, the additional responsibility of being an EXCO member of the student body in the seminary, catching up with church members, juggling with spending time with my family(whom I only see during weekends - my sis will also be away from home the next few months :( ) and working for the church just can feel rather overwhelming sometimes.

Yup -it's going to be interesting to see how this semester turns out. Dear God, I'm really really counting on You to see me through everything.

To my prayer group...

I remember we began with three in the first semester of seminary - Lucy, Lee Yng and I. Since then, we've had a new member per semester - Pauline, Lan Yin, Chin Ying - our latest addition this semester is Liza. Now that we are in the 1st semester of our 3rd year, we are seven minus one (Pauline will be going to Singapore and continue on her journey).

I continue to thank God for the fellowship we've had thus far - the laughter and the many tears that we've shared in fellowship and in prayer. I look forward to continuing this year with all of you as we continue in our journey in seminary. I pray that God will continually draw us closer to one another as we learn to support one another with the gifts, talents and personalities that He has given us.

Covenant Service

Today we celebrated covenant service in STM(Seminary Theoloji Malaysia). This is one of my favourite services of the year. As we begin the semester anew and continue to prepare to be future ministers, we renew our love covenant with God. As we say this prayer to as part of our covenant renewal, it always speaks and challenges me.

We are no longer our own, but Yours.
Put us to what You will.
Rank us with whom You will.
Put us to doing, put us to suffering.
Let us be employed for You or laid aside for You.
Let us be full, let us be empty.
Let us have all things, or let us have nothing.
We freely and heartily yield all things to Your pleasure and disposal.

I was also very blessed by our speaker Rev Tan Soo Inn, who shared his life with us. This morning, he spoke on 'Failure - The most important preparation for ministry' based on John 21:15-19. It ministered to many of us as we are challenged to be recipients and ministers of grace.

His sharing really spoke to me as I look back on my own life and how in times of my failures, God used those moments to let me see who I really am - a person in need of grace. I also see how he used those moments to teach me and mould me as I learn to submit to Him. I also see that I can thank Him for those moments because it's shaped me to be who I am today.

To my friends...

Though you are ordinary people

You've chosen to obey Him

Though your path is not easy

And the road ahead may be tough

You have chosen to hear His call

And go where many fear to tread

You are my friends

My family in Christ

A challenge to my journey with Him

You are an inspiration to me

You remind me to focus on Christ alone

Not just with your words, but with your life

I pray that He will constantly protect you (and your family)

As you daily toil for Him

And choose to love the people that He has placed you with

Being salt and light to them

I pray that the harvest will be plentiful for you one day

Though now it may sometimes seem like drought

Living in a land that will not call you its own

I pray that you will persevere and keep on keeping on despite everything

May you always hold on to Jesus -the author and perfector of our faith

A Prayer for Her

I miss her.
I miss her a lot.

Will You watch over her while I'm back here?
Will You send her another friend who will love her as much as I do(if not more) and who will show her the way to You?

If no one goes, who will tell her about You?
If no one tells her, how will she believe?

You know that the most precious thing to her is the love of friends.
You know how much her friends have let her and hurt her in the past.

I pray so much that she'll come to know You, Jesus - the best friend a person can have.
I pray that she'll be able to have joy in her life - greater than the day she remembers of being happy.

Yet, I do not wish for her the price that she'll have to pay that will be inevitable if she knows You.
Yet, let Your will be done.

Lord have mercy on her.
I plead for mercy for her.

To My Egyptian friends..

To all my friends and 'family' in Egypt who I've come to love and am missing very much...

A BLESSED CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!!

Back in Seminary

I came back to seminary yesterday - and it's been good so far. Time seems to have passed by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I left here, went to Egypt and came back. Being the only one of two English department students around, I've been rather busy helping out with the orientation for the first year students since I've arrived -taking them on a tour of the seminary, the usual trip to the hypermarket nearby and to Seremban town. It's also been a good opportunity to meet and interact with the first year students. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends on this Thursday when they all get back too.

Didn't foresee it coming but I have been allocated to a single room (usually only final year students are allocated a single room and I'm in my 3rd year out of 4 years)! I'm still slowly unpacking the things that I have but have made my room rather comfortable enough to live in.

In the midst of it all, I find myself still thinking of my friends and 'family' back in Cairo. I've been back a week and a half and it feels as if I've just left yesterday. Talking to them online doesn't seem enough - if anything, I find myself missing them more. *sigh* I guess that for now, I'll just have to keep on keeping on.

happy new year's eve

Hi everyone, miss me?

Ramblings and reflection

Am now hanging out in Dubai airport in transit and the local time is 2.45am. My flight leaves for home at 9.50am and am debating what to do with myself - to sleep or to stay awake. hmmm.... In the meantime, I figured I'd take the opportunity to blog for a bit since it's been a while...
The last few days have been hard for me as I say goodbye to my friends here. As I look back, I'm amazed at the array of people I've met and have become close to. A teacher, a seminary lecturer, a pastor, a media producer, a shopkeeper and another group of people who've been like family to me. It's been a truly enriching two months and it's little wonder that I find it hard to leave.

I feel that my time in Egypt has changed me in many ways - perhaps not visibly but deep within. Some of the things that I was struggling with and questioning about last year has been answered by God in such a loving and reaffirming way. I have also come to learn to love myself more because of all the affirmation that I've received from my family in Egypt as well as the support that I've had from friends back in Malaysia for my trip there. It's funny - I never thought that it was something that would happen. At least, not for a long while. God does indeed make things beautiful in HIS time.

As I arrived at the Dubai airport, I realised something - I can actually understand some of the Arabic stuff that they are announcing over the speakers - it's quite amazing for me actually. I remember feeling quite bewildered and curious as to what people were announcing and I now actually understand some of it!!! My life has definitely changed in so many ways by my trip to Egypt.

I definitely have lots to pray about and to think through over the next couple of years and as I continue on my journey of faith. For the next two years, my place is definitely in the seminary back home. From then onwards, I can only continue to place my hands in His and let Him lead me to where He wants me to go - one step at a time.

Preparing to go home..

Leaving here is going to be hard. Faces that were once belonged to strangers have become almost like family now.

All my friends here are asking me not to leave or if I'll ever come back. I can only tell them that I have to go home for now and inshallah(God willing) I will come back here one day.

I ask for your prayers as I begin my preparations to go home - cos it seems as if home is here too.