Happy Birthday to Jan and Oliver!!!

Redeeming Love

Finally finished reading the book -"Redeeming Love" - this morning... It was really awesome... Totally forgot Sue Ann's advice to have tissues around me when I read the book. Was just crying my heart out this morning while reading the book... Was moved to get a glimpse of how God loves us so much - despite our brokeness and ugliness and especially - our unfaithfulness..
I think I will always love the book Hosea - it speaks to me about God's redeeming love for me in a very powerful way.... Got a glimpse of how hard it was for the prophet Hosea to go after his wife when she was unfaithful to him - and how he took her back anyways...

It brings to mind the time when I'd chosen to turn away from Him(I know this probably comes as a surprise to some) and the stupid stuff I did during that period. Despite everything, He sought me back and loved me -despite me making myself as unlovable as I could... God really showed how much He loved me through my mother - who never let me go and who never gave up on me. No matter how much I lashed out at her and hurt her during that time because I couldn't believed that I was worth loving anymore, she never gave stopped showing me that she loved me- when I know that many parents would have given up on their child... Am so humbled by God's love for me everytime I remember that time of my life. God's love spoke really strongly to me through the book this morning once again...
One interesting quote that really stuck out in my head from the book was "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heaven" - Milton.

Speaking about love stories, was privileged to hear a love story(am such a sucker for these kinds of stories) of a fellow STM friend this morning as he's not the kind of person to share this with everyone. Am blessed to know him... He sorta reminds me a bit of my big bro in Australia - whom I'm very fond of... Looks like I'll be attending another wedding in August...

Dear God,
Thank You for this great day so far... Thank You for Your great love for me... You are super awesome and I love You so much...

Insights

It's been a long day... Am feeling exhausted and am rather reluctant to blog anything at the moment - I would rather be in my bed and be wrapped up in the book that I'm currently reading and have an early night - I'm just that exhausted. However, something happened this afternoon that I feel I should 'capture' the moment before I do all that. I know I'll lose it if I wait until tomorrow to blog about it.

Had a good talk with one of the lecturers here about something that's been bugging me for many years now and I now have a better insight of myself as a result. Two blind spots came to light. Funny how I never saw it before - what I once thought were my greatest weakness were viewed by her as strengths (I'm still amazed by that)... Also saw how I never had closure in an area and how it's been affecting me a lot lately. In my head, I've let it go many years ago but I've come to realise that I've not let it go in my heart. I learnt to give it to God today-by His grace, I realise that He's been preparing in the past few weeks for this and it would've have been so much worst otherwise... Letting go what is precious to you is always hard.

Out of this, I am finally able to truly say to Him "You give and take away - Blessed be Your Name"

Random stuff

So much on my mind - yet can't get it out at the moment.. Will do a random thingo..

• Currently reading: Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love - a retelling of the book of Hosea and recommended by Sue Ann.. Really love what I've read so far
• Planning for Oliver's and Jan's birthday: Hope everything turns out well - want it to be special for them.. I remember and appreciated the effort that my friends in Melbourne made my every birthday a special one...
• Have an important meeting with someone tomorrow - I wonder how it will turn out??
• I wonder where I'm going to end up this weekend since the pastorate group's trip to Gopeng has been cancelled because of the bird flu
• How am I going to talk with a certain someone about an issue that just came up? I hate doing this
• Need to sleep earlier than usual tonite
• My email's overflooded with stuff that needs to be sorted out - hope i have time to do so tomorrow
• Had a sms from Daniel of TeenStreet! It was good to briefly communicate with him again.. Am sad to have to miss the reunion this weekend - especially since it means that I won't be able to see the team... Have fond memories of great teamwork going on at the camp.. .
• I will also be missing the AGM at church!!!!!! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh - maybe I can sneak back for that -if we decide to do something light for our pastoral group outing... How? how? how??
• Is it just me?? How can people be so disorganised in planning stuff sometimes??? On the other hand, I know I have to learn to *LET IT GO*
• Have to stop blogging now - a bit difficult to send email, blog and talk at the same time

The race

The finish line was near. The runner, sweat running down his brow, was already exhausted - in fact, he was bone weary. A few others have gone ahead before him. But for him, the goal of the race was not to win. The objective was to finish the race - come what may - within the given time frame. As he ran or even shuffled along at times, thoughts ran through his mind - "What if I fail again? What if I fall? What if my strength gives out before I reach the finish line? What if I never finish at all?".

Though there had been people encouraging him from the side to move on, the runner knew he had to run the race on his own. As he moved on, unexpectedly, his past injuries came back to plague him - injuries that he thought were completely healed. They slowly began to cripple him - until he thought that he could not bear it any more. Still - he moved on, again with the help of friends and family who were stationed along the way to give him a drink when he needed it. His energy was recharged slightly with each sip. His steps faltered again after a while. He was not running as fast as he thought that he could or should - because his injuries were continually plaguing him. Already, he was behind the time frame he had set in his mind. He should have been at the finishing line much earlier. Unseen new injuries added to the pain. He also very reluctantly picked up another burden or two along the way for fear of others being injured because of that burden. Still, with whatever little energy he possesed, he moved on - though his space was as slow as a snail by now - wondering when and if he would ever get to the finishing line.

Others, who were watching him could not understand why he seemed to be moving so slowly - after all, he looked fit when he started the race. Sensing their unspoken disapproval and feeling a little bit disheartened, he moved on - slowly trudging - his whole body aching. He was also getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen into his brain and thought he would collapse for sure. He almost gave up - but he looked up to his coach who encouraged him to take a break and then finish the race, pain and all.

After his rest, the pain did not subside by much but he moved on anyways. Soon, the finishing line loomed ahead.... The time was ticking away.. He wondered if he could make it-his injuries were acting up... Tick tick tick tick.... *shuffle* *pant* *shuffle* *pant*.. It was a miracle - he made it with a little time to spare!!!!

Exhausted, he dropped to the ground. He had almost no energy left. Lying on the ground and staring at the sky above him, his heart was exultant that he made it. Too weary to even speak -he thanked God in his heart for helping him complete the race.

*************************************************
Have finished and handed up my parable assignment today! Thought I'd give it a go at writing the above narrative as a result of being saturated with the parables for the past few weeks - to put into words what I've been going through. Though it would have been better without the stress of the assignment, I am rather glad I did the topic. I learnt a lot about parables in the process.

Small mercies

It's been quite a day and a longer one stilll... Thank God for small mercies though- such as NO Church Music class.. On the other hand - ended up using that time to put out fires *sigh*. As if that was not enough, my stomach has been acting up the whole day - ended up taking Mr A's advice to have a break from my assignment and took a much unwanted but necessary nap... When I woke up, unfortunately, my stomach wasn't feeling very much better.

The Myanmarese group decided to have a service here for Jan's mum at 3.30pm as the funeral service was running simultaneously there and I decided to go for it. Learnt more about his family and his mother in particular and I'm glad to see that he's coping well at this point. Am glad for his sake that quite a few people showed up to support him at this time.

Have church history class tonight *sigh* and am still deciding about eating dinner... Feel like skipping another meal because of my tummy... Already feel like throwing up the bread I had earlier. Hope my stomach settle down soon.

In spite of all this, my brain is still positive about surviving the rest of the night. Thank You God for small mercies in this rather eventful day.

Thoughts...

It's funny how it's easier to acknowledge my own weaknesses than to let other people know about it[especially those closest to me] - and the stupid lengths I go to cover it - many times to my own detriment.
It's also funny how it's easier to ask for help for any other people other than myself. I find that I just don't know how to and am afraid to- again to my own detriment.

Many times, I think that God has been good and provided the answers that I needed before I had to ask for help - many times because He knew that I wasn't ready. Of course, there has been times when I've had to do it but I've failed abysmally. But now, I think He's just teaching me to move out of where I've been. I think it's time to grow out of the past.


God - please catch me if I fall or fail again.. I'm so afraid.

Comfort from unexpected people

Have had a day and a half break from the parables assignment and thankfully I didn't dream about any assignment last nite. I feel much saner for the break and the war in my head that has been rampant in the past week has abated somewhat[though it'll probably come back after this when I start doing it again]. On Friday night, I was on the point of despair *again* and even told Daniel 'to heck with the assignment' and I was just going to hand up whatever I had in I just had - unedited and was just prepared to seriously fail the assignment. As I shared with Lee Yng on Saturday morning, it was prolly the melancholic side of me acting up - to me, it had to be a perfect assignment or just hand up 'whatever' [and it will have to be 'whatever' since I'm find myself at a loss of how to write the assignment].

It's quite funny, but throughout the weekend, I've had comforting words spoken to me about the assignment that helped me regain my sanity- from somewhat unexpected places. First of all, I had a great time of fellowship and sharing with Lee Yng in the car on the way to church and shared our struggles with the assignment. I shared a bit with her about the battles that were going on in my head- the battles that was paralysing me from moving forward in my assignment [at one point i was staring at the screen for 4 hours and just not moving anywhere].. It was comforting to know that she understood... I also appreciated the effort that she took to send me back on Saturday - so I could have some extra time to work on the parables.
Silvester also showed up on msn in between my busy moments at church and further encouraged me too and shared with me his struggles in his first year - and that though i may not see it at the moment - it apparently gets better over time.
Uncle Choon Meow was very helpful too and gave a couple of good advise which I'm planning to follow - with a little courage.

This morning, the message that Siew Li spoke about Elijah at the point of discouragement struck a chord in me. Especially the bit about feeling alone in his struggles and how God still speaks in a gentle whisper. It got me thinking that He's been sustaining me through this time with His gentle whisper on top of encouragements from different friends.

As a reflection, when all this is over, I'll probably forget what the assignment was all about - but I'll not forget the friendships and words of comfort that is helping me to go through this rough time. Thanks guys...

Father,
I know that you're teaching me so much more than the assignment at the moment. Thank You for the people that You've sent along the way to help me cope a little better.

Nightmare

I can't believe this! I was dreaming about parables assignment last night.. Scary!!

Stress Relieving

Am posting these up as part of my stress relieving from my hideous Parable assignment.. :)


Sherman scheming at his computer... *cheeky grin*

Oliver - the cute creature from Myanmar

Comrades in assignment struggle

I feel like I'm going in circles with this assignment. It's so frustrating! Have felt like crying countless times - and giving up. Am reminded how hopeless I am with this kind of writing. I have my points on paper but I just can't get it to connect and I end up not going anywhere.

Went to find some friends who were in the same predicament. And we had a good laugh at ourselves and our frustrations. It was good to share our struggles together and helped dispell the hopelessness of the situation a bit.

Thank You God for 'comrades' that I can laugh and cry together with over this assignment.

And the struggle goes on...

So much for my resolution last nite. Ended up doing something else and just fell asleep.
Ever get the feeling that you just want to hide in bed for the rest of the day because you're know you're going to be doing something you disliked?
It happened to me this morning - quite hilarious actually. The alarm rang at 7.30am and i kept arguing with myself to sleep later. So I went back to sleep but i kept on waking up and wondering what time it was. On the other hand, another part of me just wanted to remain under my covers and just hide.
Have finally decided to stop hiding and am reminded again that I need the grace of God and His strength to see me through this day.

Ranting on assignment

I absolute hate doing assignments - studying for Greek is so much easier. :P
*sigh*
Need to start writing SOMETHING tonite!!!!

Break

Am in a much better frame of mind today - though a bit more tired easily. I've decided to take the rest of the nite off- don't think I'll be able to study anymore.

On the overall, I think it's been a good day. Studying and hanging out with SK and O has been rather good and therapeutic. Oliver's rather funny most of the time. I think it's just difficult to be gloomy with him around. :) Like I said in my blog - Oliver's the kind of person who brings a smile to your face when you think of him.

Dear Father,
Thank you for this day - for working in my life, for friends, for Your comfort.

In Your Love

At times like these, Nicole Nordeman's songs seem the most apt

In Your Love

I am humbled in Your presence
More desperate than before
I've brushed against Your mercy
Yet still I'm wanting more
I have felt the hand of comfort
In the softness of Your touch
I wait

I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love I find my resting place
In Your love I find my shelter
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love

I surrender all my failings
Please break these chains of doubt
I bring these simple offerings
Of what I can't work out
When You let these healing waters
Anoint my troubled soul
I wait

The cry of my soul

I think there's something wrong with me
Feel like tears are coming down my eyes
What's going on?
What's going on God?
Am just so confused - my mind seems to be in a clamour...
Peace seems so far away

There were lots of laughter a couple of hours ago
And yet...

I feel like I'm hurting for no reason at all
I hate all this pain - every moment of it
It seems like there's a dark veil covering me
It feels like there's tons of pins pricking every part of my skin
And my heart feels heavy - so very heavy

Someone said-in friendship, there must be wounds
Why must there be? Why all this pain?
At times like these I ask - why did You created me to be me
With this softness of heart that seems to bruise so easily?
It's insane -they've just been gone for two days...
Why does it seem to hurt me so much when it barely affects others at all?
Is there some defect in me that causes me to be like this?
I hate the tears - I'd rather be laughing
Where has the joy gone?
WHY is the joy gone?

I want to hide
Like I used to in days of old
Not in You but to be in oblivion
To run to the world of books or movies
Where temporal reprieve can be found till the story ends
Will the ache go away when I close my eyes?
Will it disappear when I awake in the morning?
Only You know the answer

I need Your comfort
I need You to be a balm that soothes my aching heart
To dry the tears in my soul
Oh - how I long and yearn for You
Is this why You put me here again?
To remind me of how much I need You?

Another good weekend

Am back at STM and it's the beginning of reading week for me. It's a time to catch up on the seemingly impossible pile of work that needs to be cleared.
Am feeling slightly blue. Have been back here for only a couple of hours and miss the guys already (They've gone back to their respective homes for a couple of days to spend time with their families). It seems so quiet here. It's times like these when I realise again how close I've grown with them. Really look forward to their coming back. In the meantime, I think I'll just hide myself in my books.
Had a great time yesterday evening. I think Jacob and his team did well in preparing for the service. Found the sermon a bit suspect, but on the overall, the service was good. It was super great to have Lee Yng and Charles come along to give support too. It was very late by the time we went for dinner and we were awfully hungry and tired. It was quite late by the time I got home - and later still when the guys got back to their place. I really appreciated the effort they took to send me home - am really blessed by their friendship.
Praise God that this morning's worship service went ok. Was reminded on how arrogant I can be in my assumptions sometimes and was humbled once again. Uncle Chee Yan spoke really well in his sermon about managing finances that God has given. He gave a really balanced view on the topic and a lot of people were challenged again in this area.
Was a bit worried that I wouldn't get to spend any time with my family so it was good that we ended up having lunch together before my mum sent my bro and I back to our respective place of studies. Mum took me shopping before I got back here to replenish all the cup noodles that I'd run out of. :) Had a good short talk with my sister while shopping. Went for tea with my mum and sis. So it was really really good to spend precious moments together.

Dear Father,
Love you heaps. Thank you for the weekend. It was really good. :)

Jacob, Daniel and I after dinner

More photos here.

Daniel - Eating as usual. *grin*

Jacob's Version of Charles Wesley's "O For A Thousand Tongues to sing"

Melissa and Ashlee

The Aftermath

Happenings of my life...

Am back again at church after a rather long week at STM. It was definitely less eventful than the previous week (which I'm truly thankful for), nevertheless it's been somewhat heavier with the church music class, steward group duties, the extra talk on Thursday nite and trying to finish my parables assignment outline. I think I'm going to get permanent eyebags like Daniel soon. :P On the other hand, it's been another week of building relationships, getting to know my friends better and learning different facets of them. Got to know Oliver better this week - his antics with the guys are rather amusing -thinking of him just brings a smile to my face. :)

On the other hand, it's been really great to be back home hang out with the uncles again and listening to their stories- I realised that it's one of the things that I missed a lot.. Listening to their stories of old, of the church and getting great advice from them(Haha- as Dennis from the office says, they can be a bit 'LW' at times - but I love them to pieces anyways).

Spent time with my mum and bro last nite- my sis went out as usual with her bf - barely get to see her nowadays. :P I think watching tv with mum on friday nites might become a ritual at this rate. She's so cute when she gets into her Korean movies.

After a while, I went to get some series off my brother and watched the latest episode of Monk (Mr Monk and the Astronaut). [For the uninformed, Monk is a detective series about this guy called Adrian Monk. He has this passion for solving crimes and is brilliant at it -but on the other hand, he has this great list of phobias and is not able to function at all without his assistant and nurse]. It strucked me why I love the show so much besides the fact that it's non-violent and quite funny. It's about this guy who just is brilliant but broken - and his brokeness sometimes gets in the way of his gift of solving crimes and yet he pushes on in spite of his brokenness with the help of his assistant.

Take the latest episode, the criminal was a guy who was an astronaut who's afraid of nothing -except Monk. Which is quite a funny thought - being afraid of nothing except a guy who's a got a gazillion list of phobias?? (afraid of heights, MILK, germs, food must not touch, everything must be in order, etc...). I especially liked the bit where in spite of his phobias, he stood in front of the plane to stop the bad guy though the bad guy could have run him down. There was quite a bit of spiritual lessons for me in there.

Hmmm... there's a LOT more to say but I think I'll stop for now. It's going to be a long day... Have lunch with Uncle Choon Meow and Uncle Sam, worship practice followed by rushing down to Cheras after.

Random thought - reading week's coming up... Will have time to catch up with my work!!! Yay!! Will miss the guys till they come back though - at least I still have Oliver :) ...

Complete

Was just listening to this song by Parachute Band a few minutes ago and one of 'those' moments happened again - the moment where you just want to stop everything and savour the sweet presence of God.... The lyrics are not exactly 'out of this world' - but it just resonates within me as I meditate on brokeness in the past week...
Thank You God for that truly beautiful moment.


Complete
Andrew Ulugia
Here I am O God
I bring this sacrifice - my open heart
I offer up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Thank You for this Day

Dear God,
Thank You for this day
Thank You for the Church Music class this morning- especially for Gerrad and Jacob that made it somewhat bearable
Thank You for the rushed breakfast fellowship - it was short but great!
Thank You for steward group duties - washing plates brings another element of servanthood to life
Thank You for good refreshing sleep in the afternoon
Thank You for good friends who woke me up when I overslept in the afternoon and encouraged me to go to the library to get some much needed work done
Thank You for Monk (You know how much I adore the series) - it was a great to chill out and have a good laugh for a little while
Thank You for a good dinner - for the Kurma curry and cabbage
Thank You that for the fellowship that we had with You later in the evening - so much so that I think that most of us didn't want to stop. It was good to be able to encourage one another to lay our burdens at Your feet.
Thank You for music - it's amazing how it speaks to the soul
Thank You for being with me throughout the day.

Time at home and back in STM

Is it my imagination or is my blog entries getting longer and longer??? Must be effect of studying at STM...

Anyways, -am back in STM... *contented sigh*. The two days back home was good too. It was great to have my mum's home cooked food - she cooked Bah kut Teh, egg pizza and vegetables and it was just absolutely fantastic... I didn't know how tired I was- I fell asleep and in the living room and didn't hear the kids go off!! Woke up and it was wonderful to spend time chilling in front of the tv with mum - watching Unbreakable and American Idol (My mum and sis' seemingly current favourite programme) on Friday nite.

On Saturday, I fixed my tooth (and am virtually left a pauper) but at least I don't have to wear the annoying dentures anymore and don't feel like there's always something stuck at the top of my mouth... Thank God too that my gums are no longer bleeding though they still feel a little bit tender.. Rushed to work and packed some food to eat - but my appetite was sort of lost for some reason. But I regretted not eating a proper lunch despite of the lack of appetite.

During worship practice my head felt really woozy and I felt like my limbs were just so tired- and it also felt like I was zoning in and out most of time. It was a rather weird feeling. Thank God that my worship team was very understanding and that my partner in worship leading- Jason was very understanding about it. Felt slightly better after the practice when I finished the rest of my 'breakfast' food. Had a great talk with my pastor - it's always good to meet up with him. Really appreciate his understanding of where I am and his concerns for me.

Went home and just seriously wanted to crash after the meeting with my pastor but went out with my family for dinner - which was also good. It felt like ages since we sat down to eat as a family. We went to the Times bookshop fair. They had really good stuff there - pity that my head decided to do the zoning in and out thing again and I so had to go to the car to get sleep before I fainted or something drastic like that. Managed to get a collection of Oscar Wilde's book for an extremely reasonable price(though I'm still wondering when I'm ever going to read it with all the work I've got to do) :P

Must have slept in the car for an hour or so - was feeling much better by the time I got home and ended up watching American Idol with my sis till twelve. Got up this morning for church service and it was Jason's turn to feel like a zombie (the poor guy had food poisoning the night before). But praise God, everything went ok for the service and that none of us keeled over - heheh.

Finally got to catch up with Sue Ann after all these weeks- though it was a bit rushed. I think that it's amazing that we're learning quite similar things in different ways - though we've not been as close geographically as we used to... Am reminded again of the urgency to keep her constantly in my prayers. Again, I'm glad too for the input and the blessing that she's been to me..

Two people that I met along the way and that I got to talk to is Hua Loon and Keng.. It's been quite a surprise especially to see Keng - haven't seen him around in ages. He encouraged me when he told Sue Ann and I that he's thinking of us though he is far away. I pray that he doesn't have to go to another country for now... Am also reminded to pray for him.. He looks different from the last time I saw him - older maybe - i just don't know.

Came back to STM in the afternoon with J -after going to Salvation and buying 3 CDs. Crashed after I unpacked when I came back - had that feeling of wooziness again (i hope it's not a permanent thing)... Played risk with the guys and it was just great to be back and sharing meals and fellowshipping with them again..

Thank You God for again and again for family, church friends and my friends here at STM. It's just awesome to have them in my life. They are truly a gift from you.

One Life At A Time

Will be going back to my other 'world' soon-back to church and home. It already feels so long before I'll come back here to STM (though yes - I'll be back on Sunday evening and it's only two days away). It just feels weird that I won't be seeing ppl that I've seen everyday for the last two weeks and I realise how attached and close I've grown to them. How they've challenged me and yet supported me when things have gotten really rough this week.

Just came back from lunch and my greek test. Had a hunch way before the test started that I was not going to get full marks (trust me - it wasn't a case of 'because I thought it, it would happen'). It was more like I sensed the Holy Spirit saying - "don't panic.. But you're not going to get full marks for this test - same as Christian Spirituality this week. Because I want to teach you something - you don't have to BE perfect and struggle so much to be perfect. You are not God. I AM." And I must say - I definitely didn't get full marks for the test...

Funny how lately I've been getting all this 'sensing' (for lack of a better word) that I used to be so scared of. I used to notice it that it happens whenever I'm close to God and being very sensitive to His Holy Spirit. At the same time, I remember how afraid I am about it - it feels like I'm in a roller coaster ride - and a painful one at that. And my direct reaction would be to shut God out for a while until I can cope again... I'll leave it at that for now (Those that want a fuller explanation will have to talk to me directly about this).

Also went to watch a movie at a friend's place this morning - I have a lot of things to contemplate over. And I was also thinking - funny how and when God chooses to answer some of the questions that I've been wrestling with the past year and one of the underlying reasons that I came to STM(and at the same time never thought I'd find it here or so soon).. Not that I've got all the answers down to pat... I think that's as much as I want to say for now... Am still mulling over things and still have lots of questions to ask.

Anyways, during the after-movie discussion, this song about Jesus' life came to mind. It was part of an Easter cantata that we did at church a long long time ago-the words never fail to reach deep into my soul. And something of the discussion brought that out again.

One Life at A Time
He was a man who laughed with children
Who was not ashamed to cry
A man who walked and listen
While the world hurried by

He didn't shake a million hands
Or changed a million minds
He simply change the whole wide world
One life at a time

One life at a time
He changed one life at a time
One whose heart was hopeless
One whose eyes were blind
Filling us with life and love
Of a different kind
He filled the world with miracles (He touched me with His perfect love)
One life at a time

He said "Come unto me
Come unto me
With childlike hearts
Trusting and free
Listen and hear
Look and you'll see
Someone who loves you
Saying come unto me"


Thank You Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit for the things that you are doing in my life - though it has come with great pain. I pray for Your continual leading and for courage to face the things that You want me to face.

God is God and I am not

Wanted to post this up yesterday as part of Ash Wednesday meditations - as usual, I got distracted along the way and ended up not posting it. Feel that God continually reminded me of this song today so I thought to do it anyways.

God is God - By Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Happy Birthday Lee Yng!!

If you ever read this, I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I thank God that you are here in STM this year.
Thank you for being one the three prayer partners as well as being a sounding board whenever I've need one. Thank you for how you always make me feel welcome in your room. Thank you for being a wonderful support. Thank you for being you.

I pray that the reason for your coming to STM will be answered. May this day bring you many blessings (despite the stressing out with the Greek test tomorrow and the piles of work that he gave us).

Random Thoughts

• Hope I finish my Christian Spirituality work by tonite
• Was good talking to Liz today - I think we were on the line for quite a long time. Am glad that she found a new job.
• Am sleepy
• Weather is very warm - hope it gets cooler soon
• Looking forward to ice cream outing with a friend tomorrow
• Had a good reminder today to be check my thoughts - that my learning more does not make me holier. I still have to live it out.
• Emilia looked beautiful at her wedding on Sunday. Was really happy for her.. It was great to see her get married to Larry. I think that the SIB ppl did a great job with her wedding.
• Apparently baptism turned out quite interesting last Sunday. Am so glad Li Chun's decided to get baptised. :)
• Sad to hear that Uncle Lee passed away. Will miss his presence on Sunday mornings - I remember fondly that he's usually at church with his wife at our Sunday morning sound check.
• Sadder still to hear Daniel Wong from Tung Ling passed away. But am glad that He managed to find God again before He went back to be with Him. Will always remember his enthusiasm to read more books, his generosity to us and his fervour to know God more and to stand up for justice.
• Howard Marshall came today and I couldn't understand half of what he was saying.. Realise I have a long way to go - if I ever get there...
• Need to get back to do my reflection instead of blogging now or I'll never finish
• Was good to see uncle Mark and uncle Selvendran today at the talk... Hmm - it was also surprising to see uncle Peter Sam too.

Thank You God through everything, You are working in my life.

To....

When will you ever forgive me?
When will what I do be enough for you?
When will me being me be enough for you?
My flaws seem to be bigger than my efforts to make it up to you
When will restitution end and forgiveness start?

I've moved on...
Don't you understand?
I had to - I was dying so slowly
And nobody seem to know - not even you
Nobody except her - but she's now taken your side because you hurt
And yet I hope you will never understand that
I would never wish it on you

But it hurts so much to see you hurting
It hurts to know that I caused it
It hurts to know that I cannot do anything about it
Don't you know that I cannot take the first step anymore?
I've gone as far as I can and there are no more steps left to take

I yearn to see you move on
I yearn to see you let go just so that you can grow
I'd turn the clock back to undo things if I could
But reality does not permit

You say that action speaks louder than words
When will you understand that I had to do what I did at the time - as wrong as it was
To me, I had no other choice
When will you ever understand WHY I did what I did
Though we went through a lot together
He has made us to be so different
Maybe you will never understand
And maybe I have to learn to accept that

You say that my friends are more important to me than you
Don't you understand that I'd bear the pain for you?
You don't know how much I love you - how vulnerable I am to you
I hide it because I learnt a long time ago
That hurting me comes easily to you
Especially when you hurt
You always knew the right buttons to push
And never seem to hesitate to push it
Nevertheless, because of who you are
I love you very much

I hope you will never understand
What it means to dread the coming of each day as I did
The feeling of fear to face up to the ugliness in me
The feeling of dread to face the despair and hopelessness that the rising of the sun brings with it
And that I now am only be able to get up each day because of His mercy and grace
And that though I am healed and am still being healed
I carry the scars -so many of them
I face them almost every day

When will you stop blaming Him for putting you where you are
For the hurts I've caused you? For the hurts he has caused you?
It hurts me to see that when you do, you play into the enemies hands
The fact that I played a part in it hurts so much more than you will ever know

I pray that you will learn to see the silver lining in the cloud
That our God loves you and and is waiting to restore you
Just as he did me with me - unworthy sinner as I am
That He has blessed you more than you realise
And that He loves you more than you will ever know
That His plans are perfect for you
No matter what you have to bear along the way
Because He was and is always there to see you through them
Though you don't see or feel Him there

Soul searching

It's been a soul searching week... Circumstances (more like people) has made me look at my past. It has helped me to understand me - why I am who I am today. At the same time, am challenged to look at the flaws in my life and to challenge my viewpoint. It gets painful at times - but it's a necessary pain..
I have not done this(looking at the past) in a very long time and realised that perhaps I was not ready earlier.. I realised that He has indeed brought me to a point of healing - I would've avoided and ignored this a year ago...

Still I thank God for bringing people into my life to continue to mould and sharpen me.. Especially three people who has been a great source of blessing in their own ways - in ways that I least expected and from the most unexpected place.. God's just using them to teach me about my perspective of people and myself and how wrong I can be sometimes in my preconceived ideas.
Am reminded that bit by bit, God is answering the prayer I wrote in my song last year.. Which is my prayer for this year..

Teach me to worship You the way You want me to
Teach me to love You Lord with all of my heart
Teach me to live for You in all that You do
And to offer up my life as a living sacrifice

May my life as an incense rise to You
Pleasing You as a fragrant perfume

There is still so much to learn from Him - and perhaps the learning will never end.. Nevertheless, I pray for humble and contrite heart - and a heart that continues to be teachable no matter how painful and hard the lesson may be..

It's a time of learning, unlearning and relearning...
To let go and trust Him more...
To learn to move on - knowing that there are others who are travelling on the same path and to share in the pain and discovering joys together..
To change in areas that need change..
To welcome challenges and embrace them even...


My prayer probably is best described in Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Bring it On"

I didn't come lookin for trouble
And I dont want to fight needlessly
But Im not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me

I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell somethings coming down
But if its gonna make me grow stronger then

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash
Let the thunder roll
Let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come
Let the hard rain fall
Let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, maybe youre thinking I'm crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
Cause I know I've got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Bring it on

Now, I dont want to sound like some hero
Cause its God alone that my hope is in
But I'm not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

Living in two worlds

Am tired... am supposed to be asleep now... but there's heaps of work... and people to talk too..
Feel very strongly that I live in two worlds nowadays- the world of STM and the world out there(my church and my home)...
I really love the people here and am just so blessed by the fellowship of the community here and enjoy my studies (though assignments are really stressful things to me)...
At the same time, when I check my mails, my church reminds me that life goes on... I chat on the phone with my close friends and I miss them and my family heaps...

Maybe I'm just rambling cos of my tired mind.... It's been a looonnnggg week... Am glad for the break this weekend.. :)

Personality Test

Someone convinced me that I should do this test - I actually did it before but I forgot my profile and decided to do it again... Quite interesting insight of myself(at least - it is to me)..

EFNJ - Keirsey

ENFJ profile

Transitioning

Phew... Had my first Greek test today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would go. I think my lecturer's pretty satisfied with my work. I had to do a reflection paper on a controversial article on Christmas that came out on times magazine a couple of years ago called "Behind the First Noel". It was a bit tough getting into the mode of writing an essay. It took a lot of starts only to get stuck... Managed to finish the paper to my satisfaction five minutes before the class started (and decided to skip dinner along the way). Thank God for my friends who go to mamak or else I'd still be hungry now. :)
Another interesting highlight of the day - today's the third time I've attended the Anglican services. I have attended three out of four of their meetings and that apparently is an anomaly for a non-Anglican. They invited me to join them for their after service gathering - having some snacks that they brought from home. It was great to have potato salad! :) That aside, it was just great to hang out with them and just hearing some of the issues and challenges the Anglicans are facing right now - everyone around me was just joking that I've officially been adopted into their Anglican fold - since I now knew their problems too. It was pretty funny. Think that they are a bunch of great people (not just because they shared food with me). Am constantly amazed and touched by their dedication for God despite all the difficulties that come with their denomination.

Dear God,
Thank You for Your faithfulness and Your goodness. Am constantly in awe of You. Especially in lecture today where I am reminded that You are truly my great father in heaven and that You discipline those You love and that if I love You, I should be obedient to You.

Transitions

It feels like ages since I've last blogged - probably because it's true... The last two weeks have just been rather hectic. I feel like everything's been let loose and it just get overwhelming at times.
Chinese New Year was a great break - it was good just to spend time with family on top of the eating and resting... Decided to study(I actually brought up most of my work up with me and managed to glean through some of them). When I came back to STM last week, just got this horrendous feeling of being overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to be done - and I blame this on the time that I took to actually do my schedule, count the amount of work that I needed to read and sorta realised that it was just going to be really really tough to finish all my readings on time AND do my assignments at the same time.
The weekend was just a non-stop series of meetings and was just really exhausted(and glad!) to get back to STM yesterday evening at an earlier time than I expected to.
Woke up with a pounding headache and puffy eyes. By the grace of God, am just feeling much better than when I woke up!!! Have my first Greek test that I think I'm prepared for but have to complete two reflection papers(one of which is quite challenging and controversial, the other is just a 'huh??' kind of paper).

Dear God,
I need you and your grace to see me through the week and the rest of the semester. Juggling between work and study is just going to be really hard and there are times when I've just reached my limits. Help me to trust in You to see me through. Thanks for friends who just supports me and loosen me up when I get too stressed out. I see You working through them.

Second week at STM

Have started my second week of classes. Have been overwhelming at times (there's seriously just heaps of work) and have had to make a conscious effort to take a break and yet not too much of it.. :P
Otherwise, I AM enjoying the subjects... Some subjects have been rather mind blowing - challenging my own views on that topic.. The rest of them has just been about learning new things..
It's been a struggle at times to get back to student life.. But on the whole it's been very good. :)
The thing that encourages me the most is my fellow students here... They've all been very encouraging and caring.


Thank You God for leading me here.

CONGRATS TO MY BIG BRO AND VERN!!

Just want to wish a BIG congratulation to my big bro Johann and Vern Li on their wedding yesterday! May God Lord bless your marriage as you begin your journey together.

First day of classes

Today's the first day of classes.. Was a rather heavy day.. Makes me wonder if I should audit the extra subject tomorrow.. Hmmm...
Despite it all, I've enjoyed my classes-Church History, New Testament Survey and Critical Reading and writing... Though am slowly beginning to think- wow! There's heaps of work!! We've been handed our assignments and there's quite a fair bit to do.. A plus point is that the lecturers here are VERY supportive-so it really helps...
Will have pastorate group breakfast (yay!!)in the morning. I also quite like the ppl in my pastorate group - they're quite multicultural actually.. :)
Am struck again about how blessed I am to be here.. The ppl here are very friendly.. Really enjoy the community life here(tonight, someone brought back Nasi Lemak Ayam for supper :) ). Also, I had the opportunity to spend some time in the anglican chapel last nite and tonite just to play on the piano (although it was somewhat out of tune) and just worship Him on the piano. There's just a strong sense of the presence of God as I just sat there and worshiped.


Thank You Jesus for leading me here. Thank You for new friends here. It's just been really awesome knowing You more and knowing them.

View from my window

 

My Study corner

Hmm - not a very good photo.. but this is my study corner..

 

:)

This is another STM resident.. heheh

 

A glimpse of life here at STM

My wi-fi connection's finally set up !!! I am having a rather awesome time here even as I get adjusted to life here in my first week... As I settle down and getting adjusted to living my life as a student again, I find that I am really looking forward to what the Lord has in store for me this year..

Different experiences
It's just been great to have been exposed to different denominations here and getting to know the future leaders of the Malaysian church.. Majority of the ppl here are from Methodist and Anglican background so it's interesting to worship doing devotions with them. Apparently, the Anglicans have their own prayer services at 7am on one of the mornings and the Methodist will have their own prayer service in the evening. Am planning to join them to get a feel of what it's like. :)

There are two other EFC ppl here. It's been good to have them around in view of the overwhelming(at times) ppl who are mostly from Methodist, Anglican and Lutheran background.

My Roommate
Apparently, part of the STM experience is to live with another person - as part of preparation for church ministry in dealing with difficult ppl and resolving conflicts. My roommate's a first year student from KL Chinese Methodist Church.. I've been quite fortunate to have her as a room mate as we discover that we're both not very particular - we both don't mind noise and we can sleep with the lights on. :)

Lecturers
I've really like the lecturers that i've met so far - they have been very approachable and friendly... They join us for our meals and remember our names!! It's also been a comfort to have a lecturer whom I know from my home church here at STM.

Students
We have quite a few international students. Am looking forward to learning from them as I get to know them better..

Besides all that, I really LOVE the library facilities here....
One of my challenges is that I really feel like a 'banana' here some times as most ppl seem to speak chinese here and I mainly speak English...


THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME HERE... AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO KNOWING YOU MORE THIS YEAR.

Blur-ish

It's been a rather blur-ish week.
Sprained my ankle on New Year during the afternoon, John came to town on Tuesday, getting stuff to go to STM, rushing around in the office to tie up loose ends, etc...
My next blog entry will prolly be when I'm there - I can't wait!!

New Year resolutions

1. Travel to a country that I've not been to before (which can't be too difficult as I've only been to Australia, Singapore and Malaysia)
2. Tell a God story every week
3. Have a more exciting year than 2005 (which is going to be pretty difficult as 2005 have been pretty awesome!!)
4. Keep in touch more often with my friends overseas.

Random stuff

Thank you God for:
- the past Christmas that went VERY well (especially since the run through on Christmas morning was a near disaster) and for the souls that came to know You on that morning
-Christmas pressies (All were really nice but I had an extra nice one :) )
- a great break with family in Camerons
-meeting with Ps Mark and family. Justin is soooo cute... He just talks and talks and talks and talks... but he's one of those precocious kids. :)
-people around me that care and are concerned and give great advice as I prepare for Bible School (note to self - pray for a prayer partner and look out for a lecturer to be a mentor)

Just finished reading:
- Devotion explosion (really good book on how to make your devotions interesting!!! One of the tips is to choose a book of the bible and write it in your own handwriting. The other good tip is to type out your prayer.)

Preparing for:
The new year and Watchnite service!

Christmas ramblings

Christmas is coming!! Thank God for sustaining me. Am quite surprised that my stress levels is not any higher than it is now despite all the hitches in the planning for Christmas.
Have been having a pleasant time catching up with some of my ex-OCF friends. It's been a rare treat to meet up with some of them TWICE last week!!!
Doreen's wedding was also on last Saturday.. Had a good time there - though the dinner went on till quite late (we finished about 11.30pm)!!

Foresee a slight struggle this week - it's Christmas activities vs. Christmas reflections. Am hoping to be able to sit down a little longer with Him than my usual 'pockets of time' (which I suppose is better than NO time at all with Him).

Feel like I'm rambling now. Will stop here.

Meeting up with old and new friends

Had a great time yesterday evening. Had TWO dinner appointments - a first for me.
The first was with the TeenStreet committee. Daniel and I, who are the service team leaders were invited along. It was just really good to meet up with all of them again. They are just a bunch of fantastic people who, though busy, give their time and energy to God and young people. It was great to catch up with Daniel in the car too. Found out that he went to Kuantan with a bunch of friends from youth group for a day trip - how fun!!

My friend CQ from Singapore gave a surprise call on Tuesday evening and he invited me to join him and MT and CT for dinner. It was great catching up with them. Of course, we discussed OCF friends whom we've lost contacts with, who's getting married soon, ministry, work, etc...
It was a great evening. CQ's quite entertaining. He always has heaps of stories about his foot and mouth disease. :)

Dear God,
Thank You for different people whom You bring into my life and make it richer. Am so blessed by You.

Thinking of my friends overseas

Was just talking to Simon Ng, Kevin Chew and Wan Qiu online yesterday... They were all part of OCF Melbourne Uni and it just always is good to catch up with them. Kevin says that he'll be coming over in Feb!! Yay!! Was very sad to miss Wan Qiu last week.. : ( was sick with a really bad flu (had to go to the doc to get medication ) and had to go off to Teen Street. Hope that she'll be able to come over again sometime this round..
This morning when I was on my way to work, I was wondering how my other friends were doing: Adeline, Poh Lyn & Karen (the green house girls and my ex-housemates :) ), Johann, Liz, Francis, Eric, John, Jason Tan, Janice Tan, Charlene, Marcus, David, my ACF Rowville friends etc...


*****************

On another note, my sis is going to start work in January!! She's got a job in KPMG... Praise God for opening doors for her!!!

Post Teen Street

Am back from Teen Street Malaysia.. Am just bursting with stories to tell!! Hahaha - have just been sharing about TeenStreeet to the ppl in the office the whole morning and just looking through photos with them.. One of the commitments I made at camp was to share 'stories' of God's work in my life every week to someone...
Miss the crazy fun stuff that was happening at camp.. Really enjoyed the prayer day, the TNT (Teens Need Teens) wacky race... RM25,000 Was raised up by 150 teens for the Dalits.. It was really awesome.. Enjoyed the worship singing sessions too.. Was quite an experience to worship alongside setting up the cafe (I had to leave the hall early most nites to set up for Jungle Time which was after the Throne room sessions). Miss my room mates - crazy though they were...

Was really blessed to get to know the OM Malaysia staff a bit better- they kept on wanting to bless my service team... Dexter, Foo Seng & Jin Ai, Ken and Val are just such great ppl as well.. Was really blessed by their heart for TeenStreet and their encouragements along the way..

********
Miss my service team members..
Jee Lee - my very dependable member of the service team. She's 21 this year and is studying English in NUS, Singapore. She's worshiping in Life Chapel. She was a great help with the ice blended drinks...

Christine Tiong - she's my ice cream lady and my room mate. She's from Good News church in Kuching, Sarawak and she's just absolutely zany.. She was just so desperate for Maggi Mee Tom Yam one nite and it was absolutely funny to watch her..

Wei Li - Wei Li's my other room mate and she's one cool lady. She's working in PWC as an auditor and was helping out in the jungle.

Daniel Lee - Daniel's another crazy but fun guy from SAGC... He's absolutely dependable and gets the job done..

James - James has the weirdest comments sometimes but it was just great having him in my team. He was very good with the torches and the lamps.. Also a very good salesman though not a businessman - if he keeps on giving free food away just to make ppl happy, our cafe would've been broke... :)

Eu Wei - Quiet guy but gets the job done.. The poor guy was tuckered out most of the time I saw him.. Probably cos he was at the camp site setting up too..

Moi Sia - from Sarawak too... She was my drinks lady.. Am glad to have her on my team as she has a warm heart..

Ekkpan a.k.a 'Boy' & Pattipan a.k.a 'Pai'- From Thailand.. Both was helping Jee Lee out with the ice blendeds. Pai especially is really funny. He went around with the guitar singing 'Come, Now is the time for ice creams.' (to the tune "come, now is the time to worship")kekeke...

*******************

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!!!

Happy Birthday to my Beloved Mother. She's an absolutely awesome mum - a little crazy sometimes and does things that just "normal" parents don't do. But I love her anyways... Have especially appreciated her blessing in releasing me into ministry the past year. It's not always been plain sailing but it's great to know that I have a WISE mum who's always there and giving advice and support in my ministry work.

Thank you God for my fun, wacky at times mother who's there when I need her and whom you've used mightily to mould my life... :)

Teens Street Malaysia 2005 doing God Time Kingdom Code

 

TeenStreet Malaysia

Am now here in TeenStreet Malaysia and am having an absolutely fantastic time here! Hip Hop's music going on in the background now for the Hip Hop workshop conducted by Joel Tan for one of the Extreme Base Camp (Workshops). Watching him is like watching poetry in motion.. He's really fluid and really great at the hip hop stuff... He apparently started the Urban Groove here in Malaysia to promote Hip Hop in a clean way and to shine for JC.

The camp has sorta been a blur for me... Have been meeting heaps of new ppl and am working alongside and leading a fantastic service team... Our role as service team members is to basically serve the teams.. We've been having great fun selling ice creams, setting up the cafe and selling snacks and ice blendeds.. We're also in charge of setting up for the TNT(Teens Needs Teens) wacky race and the prayer station... It's been rather a lot of work but we have been greatly blessed by the committee(with TS goodies and dinner!!)...

It's been great watching Dan and Suzy Potter take the Wild Kingdom times.... They just work really well together and I've enjoyed watching the dance and drama as well. It's just been really great just being reminded about Loving God and Loving Ppl by going through the Wild Kingdom Code- God Time, The Walk & Net (Loving God); Serving, Support & Story... (Loving Ppl)...

Have heard this so many times in my Christian walk but it's been brought forward to me in a very refreshing way again. I wish more of the youth from my church came. Sue Zen and Kit's here(praise God!!!). The young ppl here has been really blessed. Will post up my photos shortly. Want to go watch the Hip Hop now!!! - Am thinking that Sue Ann and Hsien Ling will definitely love this.

Happiness

I'm so happy! I have a class in an hour and i haven't even finished my notes (almost done).. Have been stalling because I had a lovely surprise today! I just received my notebook!!! Expected to receive it next week but am getting it earlier than I thought I would!
so it's just absolutely fantastic.. :)
The possibilities are just endless. :)

Thank you God for the notebook.

OM Teen Street

Am going off to OM Teen Street soon! Just can't wait to see how everything's going to be.
OM Teen Street is a camp/conference for youths specifically aged between 13-18 years old.
This year it'll be held in STM Seremban from the 3rd-8th of December. OM Teen Street is organised by OM (my favourite missions organisation - I'm biased) and has been running very successfully for the last couple of years in Europe. It's also been running in different part of Asia and it's the first time we're holding it in Malaysia.

The response here has been awesome... 3 weeks before the closing date was due, all 150 places were taken up!!! Was a bit sad as I wanted to see more teens from my church going. Due to the awesome response, the organisers are planning to enlarge it so that 450 ppl are able to participate in Teen Street next year!!!
TeenStreet is really about the teens. All the programmes are fun, interactive, and geared towards what young people are into today. Will write more about the highlights after camp. :)

So... what is 25 year old me doing at a Teen Camp??? I've had the privilege of being asked to be the Service Team leader. :) The Service Team are basically people who are going to be the hands and feet of TeenStreet. We plan the logistics of the camp, help with the setups for the workshops, sports and prayer stations, the TNT (Teen Needs Teens) run and Jungle Time (The cafe and organised chill out time). Am just so excited and thankful to be a part of the team - and that the church has released me to be a part of it. It's been great to work alongside with other ppl from other churches who are so on fire for Him. I've got a fantastic leader who's just so enthusiastic and has a great servant leader's heart. Working with people like this is a refreshing change. :)

Dear God,
Just want to commit the upcoming TeenStreet to you. Thank You for the privilege of just serving you.

Singles at the CrossRoads

Have been reading 'Singles at the CrossRoads' and I must say that it's one of the better books I've read about relationships..

Really recommend this book to anyone who's Christian and single(or dating as well!).

Some of the issues addressed
Gift of singleness (It totally has a different perspective from mine about this topic)
Romantic love (I was surprised of certain things that I learnt)
Is there a specific person God has created for me?

After many years of listening to BGR forum.. Reading books on relationship, this book has pretty refreshing and freeing perpectives to offer.

Will blog some things that struck me if I ever find the time and effort to do so.. :)

Overwhelmed

It's been rather overwhelming at times. Agree with Ps Elisha when he sent the SMS the other day - am just having too many commitments and too many meetings. Some days, I feel like am drowning. Have been sick too - so that's perhaps added to this sense of being overwhelmed.

Surprisingly, when I was talking to John online today, I could honestly tell him that I'm doing great -sick and all(I didn't tell him i was sick).. Funnily, he asked me why I was doing great(ppl just normally leave it at that -but trust John to do something different. :P )... After thinking about it - I answered - I'm doing great because I AM surviving despite everything. :) Because of Him who loves me and holds me in the palm of His Hand, who speaks in His still small voice when I just need to hear from Him, who I know is with me and seeing me through this time...

Thank You God for just being who You are and that You are walking alongside me always - just as you've promised.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUE ANN!!

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY To my dear Friend Sue Ann!
Thank You for your friendship and your input into my life. Thank You for encouraging me to be more like Jesus in your own special way. :)

Stages of my life

This seems to be a common pattern of my life.
I go through the following stages:

1. The super busy stage(Easter period and end of the year especially) - wake up, plan work for the day (otherwise not effecient enough and things just don't get done as much), bury myself in work until it's lunch time, grab food for meals, work some more, meetings every nite and lots of stress, and just go home to collapse and sleep. And throughout all this, pray hard that I don't get sick (am just prone to get sick in this period - little wonder why :P)

2. Busy stage(Most of the year) - wake up, work, go home, on nites when don't have meeting, just do a bit of reading (as I'll be too tired to go out to hang out with friends) and sleep.

3. Ok stage(Once a month if I'm fortunate enough) - wake up, work go home, no meetings for a 3 nites in a row, just spend times in the evenings to catch up on sleep or relaxing or reading or watch the occasional DVD..

4. Relaxed stage (Rare event) - Hang out with friends, get enough sleep, enough rest, satisfied with the amount of material that I get to read.

Am in the super busy stage now (did i mention that it happens at the end of the year?? :P). *sigh*... Am beginning to crave going back to the busy stage ... When I'm in super busy stage and busy stage- I don't have much time to hang out with friends though I long to do so, then when I get to the Ok stage - I just need 'me' time...

Hmmm.. I wonder how different it'll be next year now that I'll be going to STM??

Dear Lord,
Need lots of help now.. Need your strength to just make it through today. Thank you for being with me always and that you've promised to be my help in time of need.

Am going to STM!!!

It's official! Will be going to STM on 8th January! Just had my letter of acceptance from the Bible School yesterday - seems a bit surreal.. :)

Ok... back to work- have Worship ministry, christmas planning, OM Teen Street, PJEFC songbook, Cross Gen stuff to plan out..

Dear God,
Thank you for this opportunity!!

Happy Birthday Little Brother!!

Just want to wish a very Happy Birthday to my brother Sam!!

November's pretty much a birthday celebration month for my family.. :)

Alpha Fever

I'm continually amazed at the things that has been happening in our church this year. What with Reuben Morgan, Footstool Player, Peter Tsukahira, NECF conference and just yesterday Asia Pacific Alpha Conference with Nicky Gumbel and team!
Was helping out with the PA in the chinese chapel and it was just really great to hear Nicky Gumbel speak.. He's a really great communicator..
Now that it's over, people in our church is really fired up about Alpha - especially those that attended the conference..
Okies... that's it for today... have heaps to do - worship leading preparations and JY workshop too!!

Paintballing outing

Went paintballing last Saturday with a group of crazy ppl.. It was really fun!!! Really enjoyed the running around and shooting people.. hehehe..

Thank you God for that great outing.. :) 

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY to my little sister Esther!!!

Big Brother

My big brother has been here for the past week (since last Wednesday). It was great to see him and hang out with him again! Went to Paradise Church Worship concert, went window shopping - looked for headphones, cuff links and all the other stuff that he wanted to take a look at..

Big bro: If you're reading this.. Thanks for being my 'driver' - just like old times . :)

Random thoughts - Applications are sent in!!

*phew* have finally sent in the applications to STM... HAve been running around like a headless chicken since yesterday when Uncle Sam gave the green light... Still have to send in several stuff - but I guess that it can wait until Monday.
God never ceases to amaze me(it's a good thing isn't it) *BIG GRIN*. Have been answering prayers in pretty amazing ways.

Am currently reading: Not too busy to pray by Ps Bill Hybels..
It's been really good simple reading.. Little things continues to challenge me as I learn to talk with God more.

Am...

Am listening to : Nichole Nordeman's new album Brave
Am always just really challenged and ministered to by her songs. Hope to be able to write songs just as great as hers. Her songs just somehow resonates in my soul and looks at issues which I am just facing at the particular point of time.

Am waiting for: Decisions to be made
Sigh. I think God's just teaching me patience... and to continually depend on Him and not on man. Still waiting for decisions so I'll know whether I'll be going in January or not. Praise God for peace that surpasses all understanding - it's ok even though I don't go.

Am frustrated because: I want to spend more time with Him
I wonder how many people can identify with me - I want to spend more time sitting at the feet of Jesus... To know Him, what's on His heart. What's just so frustrating is because everytime I want to do so, something crops up and it's just easier to let my time with Him slide. At the end of the day, I say - I'll try again tomorrow.. and it happens day after day. And because of my frustrations and lack of time with Him, I get grumpier more easily, irritated more easily, moody more easily, judgemental more easily and I lack love, grace and mercy.
I'll continue striving till I spend that time with Him though. With His strength and by His grace, I'll get there one day.

Food Poisoning

Getting food poisoning just is the pits.. Energy feels all sapped up cos you can't eat much, your stomach just feels like it's being pulled apart all the time AND you just feel like throwing up all the time..
I just have one thing to say - I have more empathy for those who undergo food poisoning.. :P

Have learnt one lesson - ALWAYS heat up leftover mushroom soup that's been left out on the table for more than an hour or else you'll barely be able to function for the next 2-3 days.. :P

*SIGH*

Time

Time is so so precious..
It is so sparse nowadays - especially when there are always lots to do(Could have something to do with all the ministries I am involved in).. The worst thing about it is that there are much more that I want to do.. Am just 'envious' of ppl with plenty of time... Wish I could have some of their spare time transferred to me so I can use it for the other things that I want to do.. hehhee

Well... What is it that I am doing nowadays??
*Have been fixing my tooth (which will apparently take until February to finish everything - good news is: doctor says that it is healing nicely and that there are no infection).

*Just finished organising our first PJEFC High Praise- which was pretty successful in my eyes(I had very low expectations- I should've had more faith)..

*Tying up loose ends in the office before the end of the year because..... *drum roll*
I am going to BIBLE SCHOOL in January!!!!! At least, it looks that way... Applications and preparations are currently underway... Have been having discussions with lots of people... Am just tying up loose ends and wait for the final decision from my church board.
Am rather excited... Besides having this wonderful opportunity to study again, there'll be pianos there that I apparently can tinker with(whoopeee!!).. Am hoping to have more time to sit down and write songs too. Heheh - we'll just have to see since I have this knack of getting myself involved in heaps of stuff... *grin*
I'm planning to study Bachelor of Divinity at STM Seremban for the next four years. But I'll be back home for weekends to serve in my church.
So am just looking forward to it all!

Dear God,
Thanks for the wonderful opportunity to study at STM next year.. I continue to pray for Your guidance and leading and Your hand to be upon me.
Thank You so much Father :)

Tooth Job

Finally did something to my tooth.. Had a roller blading accident a few years back and there was a very bad impact on my left canine tooth.
Had my treatment yesterday and it reminded me a lot about the day when I had the accident-the local anaesthetic, the stitches and the blood in my mouth :P .. The doctor had to pull out all the fragments of the root as well as the one that was embedded deep inside... Took him longer than expected.. he was trying to pull it out and crush it... when it didn't work, he had to use the drill -good thing i was on anaesthetic... but when it wore off, it was very painful!! plus it was still bleeding for the next three hours or so... Hate the taste of blood in mouth...
Brought back memories of how eating used to be an ordeal too.. but this time's not as bad as the last time..
Why did I blog this 'gruesome' account?? Because I thank God for bringing me to the doc and for FINALLY doing the treatment.. and that there was no infection affecting my other tooth despite the procrastination... I thank God for bringing the oral facial surgeon and that the clinic was nearby my house (he set up his clinic about under a year ago).. I thank God too for making it much more affordable compared than if I was to do it a couple of years back...

I am reminded in all this, though I had a bad accident, God's still taking care of me.

Thanks Abba, Father.

My Father

This song really ministered to me this morning.. Really recommend it to everyone... Even in this busy time, it was just great to sit at His feet for just a little while and just be in Father's presence. All is right in my world again.. :D


Your Favourite Name is Father - by Newsong
Almighty God, Lord of All Creation
Ancient of Days, The Holy One
So many names You've given us to call You
But the one remains
Your favourite name...

Your favourite name is Father
You love to hear Your children calling
You're there to catch us when we've falling
Your favourite name is Father

Abba Father, Holy is Your name
Abba Father, Holy is Your name

sigh, sigh, sigh..

Fewer,fewer, fewer... That's seems to be the rate that I'm blogging nowadays..
Just going through this 'lazy phase of blogging'.

Busy, busy, busy... That's just about the sum of my life nowadays.. Last week was considered a 'slow' week - was feeling quite weird because of it... This week is almost back to normal..

Conflicts, conflicts, conflicts... Things of this nature seems to crop up frequently - last week none of it happen - so again, it contributed to the feeling of 'weirdness' last week.. This week is back to normal.. And I'm feeling comfortable again (Yes, just call me weird)...

Frustrations, frustrations, frustrations... Am somehow getting this feeling of wanting to do more than I'm doing(Yeah - it's a pretty nutty thing to say since I'm doing a lot nowadays)... And don't know what to do and how to do it.. That prolly sounded weird.. But I just somehow think there's more to it than what I'm currently doing..

Maybe all this is part and parcel of 'post-fasting'..

Reflection on 40 day prayer and fast

Realise *again* that it's been a while since I last posted something up.. I do hope to blog more often... I continue to marvel how time flies..
God's been really good to me in the past month (Then again, He's always good).. As I've just finished the 40 days fast and pray over a week ago, I realise that there was a LOT that He did during that period through me and for me..
During this period:

• There was a breakthrough in an area in my life that I've been struggling off and on for 10 years now
• God spoke very directly into my situation TWICE
• Conflicts and confrontations arose but was overcome
• Felt that I was so much more sensitive the Holy Spirit
• God opened doors for me to minister to my friends whom i've not heard from in a long time..

It was the first time for me to fast for such a long period.. It wasn't all smooth sailing - there were tough days... But on reflection, it was a time of growth in my spiritual life in a different way.. Am glad I did it.

Can't wait..

Counting the hours before I go up to Frasers Hill for a short break with Sue Ann..
We've been planning this for the past two months.. A few friends have told me 'Eh.. I thought that you just went for a break in Camerons?'..
Realise that getting breaks every now and then is very vital to me... I WAS refreshed the when I went up to Camerons last month - but Cross Gen camp (or at least the after effects of it), ministry stuff and just staying late almost every nite in church has just been tiring me out... I don't get much break (my day off is for doing family stuff) - most of my breaks are snatched here and there- an hour here, an hour there - not that I'm complaining, these breaks are better than none at all.
Lots of spiritual battle (feel like i have been squeezed and pressed on every side at times) has been going on the past two weeks and I just want to spend some time with my Saviour and just talk and work things out with Him as well as seek directions for the future.. Am just looking forward to spending more solid time with Jesus.. :)

Dear God,
Thanks for making weekend possible. I pray for protection from your angels as we travel back and forth. Am sooo looking forward to just have some 'me and You' time.

Happenings

This is really terrible... Have been so busy that I've forgotten that I have a blog!!! (can you imagine that!!)..

Events of the past month off the top of my head
Am following the NECF 40 day prayer and fast and so much have been happening in the past month..
Cross Gen Camp.
PJEFC Jamming sessions commencement..
Christmas and Easter planning...
Clearing of workload after coming back from Camerons..
Worship leading for the past two Sundays..
Preparation for Worship Leading at NECF prayer convention..
Working out Cross Gen issues..
Have read several biographies over the past month- Corrie Ten Boom, Samuel Morris, Brother Andrew
Also read: Women as risk takers for God, How to make them laugh Book 1(by David Wong)
Also read: Joshua, Judges, Ruth, 1 &2 Samuel, 1&2 Samuel (Part of Low Chai Hock's ABS homework)
Awesome ABS (Adult Bible School) classes:
Text and texture of OT - Low Chai Hock
Teaching less and learning more - David Wong (Haggai Institute)
Helen's Baptism

Okies.. back to work... SO MUCH WORK TO DO!!!

Dear God,
Thank You for Your mercies everyday.. Thank You for seeing me through each day - especially the hectic ones... Thank You for revealing so much of yourself to me in the past weeks.. *GRIN*

Life goes on as usual...

Busy busy busy..
So many things to settle as usual - Worship ministry stuff, Cross Gen stuff, Missions Stuff..
Besides that, try to make a concious effort to get to know people and sow into their lives as well - I realise that sometimes I DO get so involve in the 'business' side of the ministry that I forget to include people.. Was just telling Jia En that i realised that i have a bad habit of running around on Sundays and Friday nites and just not being able to stop to talk to people. =P I reckon that that's one area that I definitely should be working on..
Anyways- the highlight of the week for me this week is CROSS GEN CAMP(Friday evening till Sunday morning)!
Am looking forward to hearing Ps Elisha again!!! Am looking forward to seeing what awesome things God's gonna do in the camp..

Dear God,
I commit the cross Gen Camp into your hands.. I pray that You'll preserve and protect Ps Elisha at this time and grant him the rest that He needs. Please continually move in the people of Cross Gen.
Thank You for what You're going to do!

Holiday at Camerons

Feel so lazy to blog.. Partly because I have lots to clear up due to my past week's break at Camerons as well as making preparations an important meeting this Saturday (which seems to take up a lot of my time) as well as - I must admit- some other distractions. :p
Anyways, just thought I should blog about my trip to Camerons.. Had a great time there last week (as seen on the pics).
The first few days was just spent relaxing, talking to Liza and Azmi (two orang asli staying with my dad) and giving them English lessons in the evening, following my dad around, praying for breaktrhough for some friends who requested prayer, doing some very limited reading, playing with puppies and playing sudoku(a really fun puzzle). The OM OCZ team came up on Friday and it was great fellowshipping with them and getting to know over a dinner.
Mum, Esther and the Sellar family(Uncle William, Aunty Poo Choo and Katy) from UK joined dad and I on Friday night. Had a great time of fellowship and sightseeing with them on Saturday and Sunday. (pics found here)
Overall, it was a great break. *BIG GRIN*

Dear God,
Thank You for breaks and holidays. :)

Uncle William

The Sellars and The Ngs

Esther and Katy

Me, Dad, Esther and the puppies!

Me, Aunty Poo Choo and Esther

Katy, me and mum and the bee farm 

Baby Chloe's sleeping so sweetly 

Baby Chloe 

Sleep

It's been a pretty restful week.. Especially last nite - slept at 7pm! Was so tired.. wanted to go take a bath and then go for prayer meet... The bed looked so tempting.. the next thing i knew -it was 1am!!!! Went back to sleep at about 2.30am - house had a short black out.. And it was really good to have the electricity back..
Feel slightly lost this week - probably because of the lack of the usual hectic activity - had to clear a lot of things as part of Hillsong preparation.. But now that I didn't go, it's just sooo - weird..

Baby Chloe

Went to see baby Chloe yesterday... She's so adorable!! There's just something special in holding 5 day year old baby... My family was just taking turns carrying her and just watching every little movement she made - her yawns, her smile, her scrounging of face and her sleeping so peacefully..
Will put up a pic of her once Esther sends it over.. :P

No visa... but it's ok, :) He still makes me smile

Ahhh... been having a restful Sunday afternoon.. My first in... I can't remember how long..
I've realised that I've rarely blogged on a Sunday too..
My cough is heaps better - probably due to the much needed rest.. :P
For today, I just went to church, went to ABS class on Old Testament by Low Chai Hock (as usual, it's been fantastic even though he gets a bit incoherent with his vertigo.. ), had lunch with my family and basically went home, read excerpts of Jim Elliot's diary and just Konked Out. Didn't realised I was that tired.. Am just so used to my very fast paced life where it's just one thing after another.. Woke up only at 7pm!! went out for dinner, went to Pasar Malam (night market) and came home, watched some tv and now blogging for a bit before watching CSI and just go back to get some sleep... It's been just good to rest... Hinei!! (apparently it's a Hebrew expression for 'very good'.. hehehe am learning well from my ABS classes -it's been just worth it to not go to Hillsong just to listen and learn from the ABS class.)
Think that I should add that I didn't get my visa... But am just so blessed at the same time... Have had so many ppl just concerned for me- either calling me, SMSing me or just coming up to me to ask me I'm ok.. Am just feeling very well loved.. And that's why He makes me smile -through them -everyone that has just been concerned for me (people in church who I have no clue of their names even have been coming up to me and to ask if I was ok)..
Thank You Jesus for just loving me!!!
I was just shocked initially and really disappointed cos as I've said, I really was looking forward to visiting friends and family there and also to have my much needed R&R as I have been feeling rather worn out. Realise that I've not actually have had much of a break since Easter preparations in February.. Uncle Sam (Ministry coordinator/pastor) has just been really concerned for me that I'm getting burnt out..
But am just having this 'peace that passes all understanding' about not going.. For some reason, I do just feel that it's just God's will for me NOT to go.. He's just allayed all my fears -especially about the air ticket refund(Just am praying that tomorrow, the Australian embassy will be able to date that the rejection of visa was on Friday and I'll be able to get the refund!).
Just realised to that it's ONE YEAR that I've been working in church!! (I started in July 2004)..

Dear Father in Heaven,
Thanks for just seeing me through this time.. Though Your ways are hard to understand at times, thank You heaps for watching over me and showing that You still care through so many ppl..
Thank You too for seeing me through the year.. am so excited to just serve You in the next year and see where You lead me.. Continue to hold my hand... I need You to lead and guide me for without You I will truly be lost.

Psalm 138

As I wait on Him, He speaks through His Word.

Psalm 138
Of David.

I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
before the "gods" I will sing your praise.

I will bow down toward your holy temple
and will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things your name and your word.

When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.

May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD,
when they hear the words of your mouth.

May they sing of the ways of the LORD,
for the glory of the LORD is great.

Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly,
but the proud he knows from afar.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands.

It's a GIRL!!

Congrats to Kenny and Sue Yap!! Their baby girl Chloe Yap Huey Ern-was born today at 12.52pm at Sunway Medical Hospital.
Mum and daughter are doing well.. "The baby's 3.21kg" - proclaims the happy daddy..