Think positively

From: comics.com

Live For Today - Natalie Grant

This song's got a groovy rhythm. A good reminder for where I am right now.



Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up Your Word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that You've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

C:
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in Your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live for it today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count
And counting every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the here and now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is how...

CHORUS

B:
My oh so crazy life
It's got me spinnin' round and round
Hanging upside down
Takin' one step at a time
Holding Your hand all the way
And it'll be okay

For Fun

Would You?

The 'big one' is coming
I already feel its beginning
Help me to continue to look up
In spite of the pouring rain

I still hear Your voice calling
Loud and clear
Reminding me of what's ahead
Plans that are awesome

But for now, I ask
Would You help me through this next mile?

Quote by Henri Nouwen

To live the spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of solitude. The movenment from loneliness to solitude is the beginning of any spiritual life because it is the movement from restless senses to restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to fearless play.
- Henri Nouwen (Reaching Out, pp34-35) -

Never Alone - BarlowGirl

I waited for you today
But you didn't show - No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

C:
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

Thought

To have grace is to give grace.
To be forgiven is to forgive.

Quote

God will not give you power unless you understand His love- for power without love corrupts. - Dr Chew Tow Yow.

Thought

One's perspective isn't always right. Sometimes people are further than you think they are.

Fog of Time

From: Boy On A Stick And Slither

Thought

Sometimes your calling of obedience does not make sense. But I see again that Your Ways are so much higher. Thank You for sparing me the greater pain.

You Were There - Avalon

Song for this Sabbath

Thoughts

I feel like I have these bits of jigsaw pieces in my hand but not able to put it all together. In my weakest moment, I wonder if I'd ever have the time to do so. I had a much needed conversation with my cousin last nite and one thing is certain: somehow, somewhere, when this craziness is all over - I need the time to put it together before I move on to the next milestone.

In the meantime, I have to remind myself that faith is only exercised when I can't get any further with my own strength.

Also, I am reminded of how Rabbi ended the Isaiah class on Thurs - to trust in God rather than human political alliances that we deem as advantageous to us. His story about being disappointed when trusting in people really struck a chord. His sharing definitely contributed to another piece of the puzzle.

Quote

We tend to pick up the best of Christianity and compare with the worst of other faiths. - Dr Tan Kang San (Ministry in a pluralistic context)

Thought

Challenge in Malaysia is not just to have as many Christians – but also what kind of Christians. - Dr Tan Kang San

TEE Class -Ministry in a pluralistic context

Over the last two weekends, I attended a TEE Class 'Ministry in a Pluralistic Context'. Dr Tan Kang San, our lecturer, was an excellent teacher and it was an interesting class throughout. It was also fun interacting with my class mates overall. Personally, I've learnt a lot from the class about contextualisation, about dialogue and the importance of being willing to learn and understand people of other faiths. It has definitely been one of my favourite classes.

Quote

"It seems that the Christ that has come to us is an Englishman, with English manners and customs about him…Is not Christ’s native land nearer to India than England? Are not Jesus and his apostles and his immediate followers more akin to Indian nationality than Englishmen? Why should we then, travel to a distant country like England, in order to gather truths which are to be found much nearer our homes? Go to the rising sun of the East, not to the setting sun of the West, if you wish to see Christ, in the plenitude of his glory." - Keshub Chunder Sen

My Cousin...

Am so proud of my cousin who came out in a Malay Mail article today! Read more below:

Sky's the limit when determination conquers disability

Ng's determination to succeed conquers his disability

Joseph Kaos Jr

Friday, July 31st, 2009 06:56:00

TRUE GRIT: Ng says he is lucky to have helpful colleagues

HOW many able-bodied people can boast of having earned RM2 million in sales before turning 30?

Not many to be sure but Ng Kien Ti has achieved this feat despite having cerebral palsy, a condition that he has to live with for life.

"Basically, my legs do not have the strength to walk or stand," said Ng, who uses a walker to move around.

Still, this disability didn't stop him from chalking up nearly RM2 million in sales within 15 months. Ng is a business development executive handling group travel agency bookings online for hotels.

His achievement comes from his remarkable self determination.

At 28 years of age, Ng has already served at several major hotels in the city as a business development executive.

He is now the e-business development manager at Dorsett Regency Hotel, Jalan Imbi, which he joined two months ago. His job is to keep track of the hotel's website, generate online sales and deal with clients. Despite being new at this hotel, his colleagues have only praise for him.

"Despite his disability, Ng is a very confident person and is full of self-esteem," says colleague Anthony Edwin.

"I am simply touched by his positivity and optimism." Dorsett Regency Hotel general manager Christina Toh said she is very proud to have such a committed and disciplined employee.

"To me, it doesn't matter if one is disabled," said Toh. "Ng completes whatever tasks are given to him and does a good job of it. I only have praise for our ‘star' employee!"

Ng is thankful that he is blessed with having the right people around him. "Every where I go, there are always people who are willing to help me go up stairs or lift things, which I am very grateful for.

"My colleagues especially, are very nice people. Everyone is kind and helpful. The hotel is like a second home to me, which suits its tagline 'You'll never miss home'!"

Ng is grateful to his parents who were a major source of encouragement. "My father and mother insisted that I continued studying all the way to my degree so that I could secure a good career," said the computer programming graduate.

"My parents' faith in me to succeed in life is still an encouragement for me to do well."

An independent person, Ng has even travelled around the world to countries such as China and Singapore, by himself.

"I don't think my disability is any dissuasion for me to go out and visit other places in the world," said Ng, who enjoys computer games, comedy films and music by Andrea Bocelli.

"When I was little, I pondered why God chose for me to be this way, and it made me rather depressed," Ng revealed.

"Then I started realising that being depressed over it isn't going to improve things. I told myself that I am who I am, and I am going to make the best out of the worst."

God Only Knows - Joy Williams

You're in one of those seasons
Everything seems to go so wrong
Wish I could give you a reason
But even I'm barely holding on

When it's hard to find the answers
Let this be your hope

C:
God only knows all your broken pieces
Only He knows what you're going through
God only knows what you hide inside
And He's holding onto you
God only knows

You've had your fill of questions
There's so much that you need to know
I don't blame you for asking
But it's time to let go of control

And I'm sorry for what you're feeling
Please hold on to this hope

Come on, come on, He knows your pain
Come on, come on, hold onto faith
Come on, come on, you're on your way
My friend, your struggle has an ending day

Ramblings

Now with Plurking, blogging seems to have taken a bit of a backseat - hence there's been less posts. It's definitely easier to type in one-liners rather than a paragraph or several paragraphs. Nevertheless, have no fear, I'm endeavoring to keep on posting from time to time.

Lots have been going on especially in the last week. Patches, our family dog died cos she was run over by a car just outside our house. It's been a little hard for us not to see her cheerful expectant face whenever we are in outside our house. I opted to sit outside the gate while waiting for my sis to pick me up cos it was just weird. The garden seems so empty without her.

Also, we had a bit of a scare - mum contracted a rather high fever that wouldn't go down and flu on Saturday. For a moment there, the doc said there was the possibility of her getting H1N1. She had just come back from a trip overseas - so it didn't seem impossible. Her fever has thankfully gone down and she's now up and about again.

I'm definitely in a much better frame of mind in the last few weeks. Despite the busyness of life (last week I had pastoral group duty, steward group duty, extra night class and extra TEE class to attend, a presentation due - all these on top of my usual workload), I'm glad to find that I'm still standing - something that I'm not taking for granted.

Other interesting stuff happened - with my second cousin (whom we are all very fond of) and it was good to hear from a friend I've lost contact with for a long time now(reminded me of the good ol' days of music jamming and just good fun).

This coming week's not going to much different from the last (except for the presentations and group duties). It's a crazy semester for me - lots to read and write within a short time. It seems that the for next few weeks, I'll be camping out in the library or being sequestered in my/lucy's room whenever I have no classes. I'll also try to drop in on some lecturers whom I've not been 'visiting' during my break. :)

Patches

I heard the news yesterday that our family dog of 8 years, Patches, was run over by a car. She has been our favourite dog because of she is super intelligent and is rather human-like behaviour. She will be greatly missed by our family. :(

Week 6!!!

Week six is officially over (in STM).. It's generally a crazy week for me!! I had been preparing for my presentation on Thurs for my counseling class. It consisted of preparing a ONE HOUR presentation of counseling youth in the issue of parental divorce and another hour of facilitating a case study(I have to do another one on depression in a few week's time *groan*)... An extra 3 hour class of Theology in Asia last nite and have a whole weekend of classes.

It's pretty much the same for me in the coming week - the only diff is I don't have a presentation. :p Have been doing much better overall, coping with things much better and am more or less out of my shell!! Am finally back on the track and am scrambling to catch up on a lot of things - but more doing a fast walk in order not to overdo and to strain myself too much. I look forward to my Sabbath this coming Monday - it'll be the first in the long time where I can really have a break - I'll definitely need it by then.

Quote of the day

Don’t have a dial-up connection with God when you can have broadband. The sad fact is that many of us operate on dial-up connection with Him when we can have a broadband connection.
- Dr Chew Tow Yow

The Medium Makes the Church

My friend, Channel C, highlighted this article in facebook and I thought that it's pretty good.

The Medium Makes the Church
by Meredith Whitmore

Excerpt:
Reflection vs. Formula
It's more than a little interesting to compare contemporary Christian books such as The Purpose Driven Life with the works of Edwards and his predecessors. I'm not criticizing Rick Warren or authors like him. But I do want to establish the typically massive difference in style, tone, vocabulary, intricacy of thought and even theology—between them and the older pieces.

Styles change, certainly. But such differences are deeper than mere preference. They seem to indicate that our very thought processes and concentration levels have changed over the centuries—and drastically over the past 50 years.

With today's American sermons usually clocking in at 30 minutes or less, how would modern churchgoers fare in Edwards' day of three-hour-or-longer services? (Or Nehemiah's and Ezra's day-long readings of biblical law?) And what accounts for our shift from theologically dense hymns and liturgies to more emotionally based praise choruses? How about worship services that include dance and even painting? Though Jesus captivated listeners for hours on hillsides sans microphone, backup singers and video screens, the prevailing fear among pastors now is that their churches—buoyed by hilarious skits, rock bands and audiovisual effects—will still be thought of as dull.

So what's caused these intellectual and spiritual shifts? Any number of sociological and technological factors, to be certain. But the biggest culprit is likely media; churches are competing with television, movies, cell phones, video games, concerts and the Internet for people's attention.

This isn't a positive thing. (Read more here)

Time

From: www.comics.com

A good weekend

It's been a rather hectic but great weekend - Irwin and Vanessa's wedding was on Sat and was worship leading on Sunday. Spent most of today re-organising stuff in my room - someone gave me a nice big desk and I had to assemble it with my dad (it was super heavy)!

My dad was in a pretty good mood and so I had a great time hanging out with him - when I was not at church. Also, my highlight was my tuaku (mum's oldest brother) came over on a visit on the way back to Melbourne. I used to live with him and his family for a couple of years while I was living there and it's been a long while since I saw him and my aunt. I really enjoyed the time I had with them both and it was really good to be with them again.

When I think of the stuff that's been going on the last few months, this weekend has been a really awesome one overall!

Be Thou Near To Me - by Selah

Oh Lord I come with heart here open
For in my hour of darkness I may be
Seeking the joy of love unspoken
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me

C:
And the holy voices sing “Hallelu!”
Ever will Thy reign be
As I wander through this life
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me

Though in this burden of my making
Yet in the shadows still a light I see
Maker whose love is not forsaking
Oh Lord, be Thou near to me

NT Scholar - first EFC Holy Communion @ STM chapel today

Today, my friend the nt scholar and newly ordained Reverend was the celebrant for Holy Communion at Chapel - it was the first time in EFC style. :) As usual, he looks super serious.. *grin

Quote on inner circles

"The people in the ring are loyal to the ring-not to the people in the ring" - Allen McClymont (Thurs Chapel - 2nd July 2009)

Lead Me To Calvary

My Current Favourite Hymn

Random

I cannot believe it.. Fourth week of final sem is starting... I bet it'll be another blur of a week... :p

Most memorable Holy Communion Service @ STM

Last Thursday(two days ago) was a pretty memorable Holy Communion Service. We had it in Presbyterian style - which meant that the elements would be distributed to the congregation.

Lucy was seated nearer the aisle and had a funny look on her face when the bread came to her. I saw the reason for her look when I looked into the small basket - the bread was flattened and had been cut into some weird shapes rather than the usual square-shaped bread. We both chalked it as leftovers as we were sitting almost at the last row.

Next was the grape juice. We were served with undiluted Ribena rather than the usual grape juice! Apparently the person who prepared the elements forgot to mix it together with water. Everyone was trying very hard not to laugh after drinking the juice - Holy Communion is usually a rather solemn and reverent moment after all. Unsurprisingly there was a lot of Ribena jokes going on that day. ;)

Quote on family

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. -Desmond Tutu

Sometimes our hearts get tangled
And our souls a little off-kilter
Friends and family can set us right
And help guide us back to the light.
~Sera Christann

In time of test, family is best. ~Burmese Proverb

Illustration on purposelessness

I always think that my Senior Pastor has pretty good sermon illustrations. During his sermon two Sundays ago, he gave the illustration of how the Nazis gave the prisoners the task of moving (heavy) stuff to two different places for no particular purpose.

On the first day, they were asked to move the stuff to Area A and it took them the whole day to do it. On the second day, they were to move it to Area B. On the third day, they had to move it back to Area A. Then they had to move it to Area B again on the fourth day. And this went on and on, day after day.

The purposelessness of the task drove the prisoners crazy until they even begged the guards to shoot them. Death was preferable to them then to keep on going on.

Abide with me

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears not bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

I Stand In Awe (Who Can Know)

My Current Favourite Song


Verse 1:
Who can know the mind of our Creator?
Who can speak of wonders yet unseen?
Who can reach the height of understanding?
To play the notes of Wisdom’s melody?

Verse 2:
Who has weighed the dust of every mountain?
Who has walked the mysteries of the deep?
Who has laid the earth on its foundation?
And who conducts the waves upon the sea?

Chorus:
I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You
So glorious and true
I stand in awe
I stand in awe

Verse 3:
You have seen the end from the beginning
You have been before the world began
You have reached to me within my darkness
And in the light of mercy now I see

Prayer

Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
- Psalm 4:1 -

Thought

I was watching a show the other day which addresses the issue of suicide. I find it interesting that those around the person was not aware that the person was depressed even though they saw him every single day. They were shocked when he committed the deed. Apparently it’s quite common.

As I think about these last few months, I am struck again and again about how I too, just can't seem to say anything to anyone when something is going truly wrong. Many things seem to be an understatement with a lot of stuff churning beneath. It's seems weird because I generally try to be as open as I can be with those who I am close with.

It's so much easier to put on a mask. You figure that those that don't know you too well will take it at face value. On the other hand, those that know you well enough, may know that something is wrong. You put on the mask anyways, hoping that it's convincing enough cos you don't want them to worry overly much about you...

To get unstuck

A: I don't know how to get unstuck

B: The only wrong thing is.. to do nothing...

From: House S5E14

I stand in awe - Parachute Band

Tired

It can't be because of lack of sleep - I've definitely been having an average of more than 8 hours a night. Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's an emotional thing.

Dear Lord, I'm just feeling so tired.

One day at a time

Over the weekend, a good friend of mine reminded me to take one day at a time - especially when I shared my anxiety in returning to the seminary for my final semester. A lot of fears were crowding me in - how I was going to fit back in, if I would be able to finish up assignments still pending, if I'd return to my depressed state when I get back.

I've definitely been doing much better in the last two weeks - being back at the church office among people who has always been like family to me and encourage me on in my journey (even though they may not be for seminary studies themselves) has helped me a lot to keep on going. Aunty Lai Sheong and Aunty Irene reassures me that they are always praying for me. Sue has been taking me out for meals and just listening to my woes. Dennis, reminds me of servanthood with his ever cheerful attitude, listening ear and willingness to help others. Uncle Nicky who tries to make me laugh, Leon and EJ who welcome me into their room when I just need peers to just talk about inconsequential stuff. Pr Aaron who tries to connect with me and asks how I'm doing every morning. Especially, there's Pr Choon Meow who's always concerned about where I am and trying to help me move on - listening to my thoughts and giving me gentle advice for hours on end. There are days when I've been so hard on myself that his constant acceptance of me has helped me to see God's love in the midst of it all and helped me to heal. I think that every church should have a pastor like him. There's even my ministry boss Adrian who, though he doesn't say much, reminds me how much I need to keep on going for what's ahead.

I've been better that I was able to worship lead on Sunday morning AND afternoon! Lots of people came up that morning and told me that they were ministered to. I felt really humbled as most of the songs that I chose for the Sunday morning service spoke to me in the midst of my struggles these last few months. In the afternoon, I was so glad for my friend, Kar Yong, who was ordained on Sunday afternoon that though I felt rather overwhelmed, I could keep on going. I had a good cry when I went home but I'm glad to have survived the day - two weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to make it at all.

It's still been up and down for me - but God has been really good. I enjoyed yesterday's quiet day - for once we were encouraged to be silent for 5 hours and just to seek God. Personally, it was no difficulty - there has been days when I rarely spoke in the last few months. For me, it was just good because in the first hour it struck me that I was among a LOT of people after being mostly alone in the last few months and for a while I thought I was going to have another panic attack. The silent time gave me time to turn back to God for strength to stay on till the end of the service at 4.30pm. The passages on Elijah really spoke to me and reminded me of God's love and care for me in the midst of my feeling overwhelmed.

It's my second day back in STM today and I'm glad to say that I'm still hanging on. As I settle stuff for this semester, I'm able to say that a small part of me is glad to be back. I'm thankful for lecturers who have been really understanding and have been kind to me in so many ways. I suppose that I expected some of them to be more cross or harsh with me but they have been very caring. I have also been given a little more time and space to settle a few more things - of which I am VERY grateful for. Out of concern for me, one lecturer even forbid me from being involved in one of the STM projects when one of my friends tried to get me involved. I'm also thankful for my friends who are trying to watch out for me during this time and at the same time understanding that I can't be with them all this week (cos I still need some time to go back to my shell).

Most of all, I'm super thankful that it looks like I'll be able to graduate this year after all. It's been quite a big question mark for me in the last few months.

For those of you who are reading this, I ask for you to continue to pray for me as I go on this final lap of my journey in the seminary. For now, I'll keep on taking my good friend's advice and take one day at a time. :)

Prayer

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

* Psalm 27:7-9 *

Thoughts

I'm worried and a bit anxious (ok, maybe more than a bit). I know that You said not to be. I know You said to be thankful and to submit my requests to you. I am thankful. I'm thankful for this last week to be where I am. I'm thankful for being able to laugh. I'm thankful for the times when I don't feel so stupid or useless.

BUT.....

Every time I think of what's ahead, of moving from here, I'm worried. It's like I'm suffocating and I almost can't breathe.

I don't know. Perhaps it means that I don't trust in You enough.

The thing is, I do believe in You. Help me to overcome my unbelief.

Silence

This songs just so speaks to where I am right now.


Are You listening to anything that I say?
'Cause I've been praying
How many prayers can I pray?
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking I can't hear You
How much longer will this last?

C:
So okay- answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust
You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay - answer me with silence

Why do I question Your intentions for me?
When Your affection is a proven legacy
Oh Father, Father Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

For Fun

From: Comics.com

A tiny step

Came out of 'my shell' just for a little while today - and it was nice. :)

Live To Worship

A simple offering is all that we bring
We give our lives, claim you as King
We are Your servants
And before You we bow
With every breath we make this vow

CHORUS
We will live to worship, give You praise
With all our hearts for all our days
Father we want to do what You created us to
We will live to worship You

Our every moment is a gift of Your grace
We are all Yours, now and always
More than just words, O Lord
The cry of our hearts -
Is to let our lives speak of how great You are

B:
You are worthy, You are holy
You alone are deserving
You are holy, You are worthy
You alone are deserving

Just for fun

From: Yahoo Photos

Expressing stuff

Ever have the feeling when you're super upset and there's this turmoil of emotions within? And there's all these words stuck deep down and it just doesn't come out either because you'll break into pieces or it's just super stuck? And in the end, all you can do is put on a stoic face and say 'ok'... But it frustrates you all the more, because you can't express what's going on within you and you leave the other person totally clueless(and totally misunderstand you). It's like that with me nowadays.

O Thou, in Whose presence

O Thou, in Whose presence my soul takes delight
On Whom in affliction I call
My comfort by day, and my song in the night,
My hope, my salvation, my all.

Where dost thou, dear Shepherd.
Resort with thy sheep,
To feed them in pastures of love?
Say, why in the valley of death should I weep,
Or alone in this wilderness rove?

Oh why should I wander, an alien from Thee,
Or cry in the desert for bread?
Thy foes will rejoice when my sorrows they see,
And smile at the tears I have shed.

He looks, and ten thousands of angels rejoice,
And myriads wait for His word;
He speaks and eternity, filled with His voice,
Re-echoes the praise of the Lord.

Dear Shepherd, I hear and will follow Thy call,
I know the sweet sound of Thy voice.
Restore and defend me, for Thou art my all,
And in Thee I will ever rejoice.

To Keep on Going

It's been two months - almost three. To my friends who I know care about me - I'm sorry for not picking up calls or replying sms-es (or take a long time to do so). Thank you for not giving up or caring for me. Maybe it's the fear of getting tongue tied or am just not ready yet - most days, answering the phone or getting online seems to be the hardest thing to do. I seem to have this need to be alone. Else it feels as if all that I'm trying to put together will shatter - that I will shatter. Worse still, remain broken forever. Nevertheless, for those who do get through to me at opportune times(on days when I'm up to it), thank you for not giving up. Your encouragements
during those times help me to keep on going. It helps to know that I'm still not alone.

In some sense I've been in a shell - sort of like the Malay saying 'katak di bawah tempurung' (frog under the coconut shell). And in another sense, I've been on a journey - one of which I've can't seem to see the end at the moment. It's been a hard one so far. Most days I find myself crying - though it's now mostly on the inside and there are now more days where things almost seem normal. Somewhere along the line, I've slipped and almost lost my faith (and have thought about what it would be like to die) but God in His mercy seems to be reassuring me in different ways that He is with me.

Someone reminded me a couple of weeks ago - to keep on taking steps.. Even if it's one a day. Even if it's just a baby one. Am taking that advice to heart. Though it seems most days that to take that one step is costing everything I have. Though it's hard to go on these last two weeks cos my mentor's away and I've been super sick. When I look back these last two months, perhaps I'm not moving as much as people think I should - or it doesn't look as if I've moved. To me, I've moved farther than where I thought I could go two months ago. And it's given me hope - to keep on going.

His Strength Is Perfect

Thanks to Siew Hoong who emailed me this link. It started another bout, but it was a great reminder for me where I am now - that I can take the next step.. Even though it might be a baby one.

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in his power the weak becomes strong
His strength is perfect

Sigh

Have faith in God

Still holding on. Sometimes barely.
Still waiting for dawn to break.

Have Faith In God
Oh Lord You guide me
Through all the darkness
Turning my nights into day
And You'll never leave me
Never forsake me
The power of the presence of God

Have faith in God
Let your hope rest on the faith
He has placed in your heart
Never give up, never let go of the faith
He has placed in your heart

Current speed

Current speed - 45 words/hour.

*sigh.

It's frustrating.

It used to be 6-7 times that.

I'm thankful though.

It's not zero words/hour.

It is finished

It's been excruciatingly agonizing for me but have FINALLY finished. One down, four more to go.

In Your Presence

CHORUS
In Your presence
That's where I am strong
In Your presence
O Lord my God
In Your presence
That's where I belong
Seeking Your face
Touching Your grace
In the cleft of the Rock
In Your presence O God

VERSE 1
I want to go where the rivers cannot overflow me
Where my feet are on the rock
I want to hide where the blazing fire cannot burn me
In Your presence O God

VERSE 2
I want to hide where the flood of evil cannot reach me
Where I'm covered by the blood
I want to be where the schemes of darkness cannot touch me
In Your presence O God

BRIDGE
You are my firm foundation
I trust in You all day long
I am Your child and Your servant
And You are my strength and my song
You're my song

Where I have to be

Some days, it feels like everyone around me is moving on with their life - new stories of life being created with their unexpected twists and turns - and I'm on the side of the road, derailed, left out of the loop and figuring how to get back on the track. Everyone is moving on, and I am where I am - not moving. When it gets to me, it's a rather frustrating, makes-you-wanna-cry experience.

For now, I'm learning to accept that where I am - is where I have to be.. No matter how I feel...

Somehow, someway, sometime

I'm told:
- that it's ok to be where I am now (but I need to decide to move some time)
- that I'm not as crazy abnormal as I think I am (other ppl with certain tendencies get this as well)
- I need to move to the next level and make myself move on autopilot (so that I don't totally disqualify myself and lose sight of the plans that He has for me)

And if I want to move on, I'll have to put some structures in place and continue to struggle on come what may.

I'm not well.. But I finally think I'm going to be fine -somehow, someway, sometime...

I'm Not Alright

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on
'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

B:
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Leads me to you
Closer to you
Closer to you
Closer to you

End:
I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright ... that's why I need you.

Prayer

Carry me when I cannot take Your hand and hold on to You anymore...

Carry Me
You carry me
You are strength
I learn to trust in You
And once again I'm reaching out

In this place, dreams are made
In this place, where You are

Carry me, in Your arms of love
Hold me close to You
I want to be where You are...

At the very least...

I had a 'good day' today. For me, it's something to celebrate - it's been a while since it's been like this.

I'm really grateful to my pastor who has been journeying alongside me, giving me a much needed nudge(both in my assignments and personally), listening to my incoherent ramblings, helping me out to figure out some stuff that's just been puzzling and stumping me, reminding me of the important stuff and just bringing a little light into this dark place that I've been in the last few weeks.

I'm still not 'there yet' but at the moment it's like having cool water after being parched for so long in the desert. At the very least, I begin to understand why I am lost...

How to get up, eat breakfast and get ready for work in 5 mins

My siblings showed me this to cheer me up.. Quite funny.. and amazing..

Ramblings

This path I've been taking for the last month has been a rough one. I'm still slowly trudging along and I'm still not sure where it's leading. Most days, the weather has been cloudy... On some rare days, like today, there has been a little sunshine... And often enough, there has been storms - the kind where you can but hide and wait it out.

Many are the days that I wish for the old path - the comfortable, familiar road.. But, I'm beginning to realise that it'll never be the same again... I'll never be the same again... In some sense, I barely recognise myself and it's a rather disconcerting and discomfiting experience. Some days I wonder if I just can't seem to be with people at the moment because it's weird to love oneself when one barely seems to know oneself and therefore find it hard to relate to others. I hate the awkwardness I seem to cause when I'm with others - even/especially with people I know who cares. It's just easier to be alone right now until things are worked out.

I'm conscious that the decisions I make during this time will have an important ramifications for what's ahead - and some of those decisions are hard to make at the moment... I've had countless reminders from people who care that they're there for me and praying for me - something I appreciate very much, even though sometimes they catch me when I'm in one of my 'low moments' and I'd just rather be alone.

In preparing for pastoral group today, I've been reminded that I do have a lot to be thankful for.. I wrote down the whole list of people who tell me that they are praying for me, that they are there when I need to someone to talk to (I'm just not very inclined to do so most days at the moment) and I was a little overwhelmed when I realised that it was a quite a long list of people. I'm quite thankful that I can be at home in this time - my family has been very supportive.. Though he does not understand completely what is going on, my dad cheered me up immensely when he brought down a puppy for me yesterday. Am still deciding a name for it - but she's quite adorable though she's not exactly good looking- she's really tiny and perhaps it's her vulnerability that seems to speak to me at the moment.

I've also come to appreciate things certain things more - laughter, being able to wake up, family, friends and being alone... I've still a distance to go on this journey, and most days I wonder if I can keep on going when my strength and faith seems so frail.. I've been reminded to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.. He's still working on me...

Ruminating

It's been hard to write. I've been feeling as if I've been literally hit by a truck and every part of me is broken. Some days I made myself go on and put on this mask as if everything's ok but it gets harder and harder. Something's really wrong and I just don't know what to do. I've been tired from running until I just can't run. People tell me that I'll be fine... But sometimes I wonder how long more because I've been moving and I keep on falling. And I'm tired of falling.. As it is, I feel as if I can barely walk at the moment and the healing process looks like it'll be a while more...

Spiritual things that used to give comfort seems an odd fit right now. I know that He's here - still sovereign, still caring, still listening. I'm getting help and I'm thankful for people who are journeying with me at the moment. These things help me to wake up each day.. but I feel so tired sometimes... I want to be restored - to be normal again.. But for now, I gotta take one thing at a time and learn to accept that I'm not ok.

Prayer

Dear God, My head feels like it weighs a tonne. Help me to lift it up or at least enable me to see Your feet so that I know that You are near.

Word Of God Speak - Mercy Me

This song is one of my favourites.


I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[Chorus]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[Chorus 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

When Taking A Break From Assignment

Quite funny and good. *grin

Assignments and seminary...

He Will Carry You

This song is an old classic.. It's one of those songs that have been coming to mind during QT this week.

Current Ruminations

Reading week is almost over, marking that more than half of first semester is over for my final year of my studies in STM. I find myself constantly reminding myself to make the most my time here as I will not be coming back next year and will have to move on to the next phase of my life. There will not be as much time for reflection, for reading, etc - though when I leave I will carry with me the values that I've learned here over the last few years.

I do treasure especially the moments that I have with friends - the conversations, the shared meals, the laughter, the praying together and just being together. However, a part of me longs for the end of October when it'll all be over and I find myself just itching to get on with life - even though I keep on telling myself that the time will come soon enough.

Whatever my personal feelings, I do continue to see Him working in my life..
Interestingly enough, the most of the semester seems to be a tying of 'loose ends'.
Sometimes, it feels like a 'test' - more for myself to see how much I've truly learnt. Many things seem to be coming to a full circle at this point of my journey - things that I've grappled with so much in my first year seems to be resurfacing.

Among them is the facing of fears that used to be so bad that it paralysed me. It's not as bad as it used to be. Every semester it gets a tad easier. However, most days, it still takes a lot out of me and I'm still on this journey of just learning to keep on going despite the fears.

The next thing that has hit me hard is the cost of being a disciple of Jesus. Lately, there has been this particular thing that I know He's been asking of me. Some days, I wrestle so hard with it that I feel so tired. Just opening my fist and surrendering is tough....

In addition to all that, interestingly enough, I find myself coming to a full circle to some of the things I was taught in my first year - a reexamination of some of the questions that I've had and answers that was given. I'm finally learning to put into words the things that I used to term 'like squeezing water out of stone'. It still feels that way sometimes but am a whole lot more coherent now than I used to be...

Though there's a lot going on, I'm glad for people who pray alongside me. Though one of the things that I especially miss is my old prayer group, I know that God's watching over me and I see of how He brings people at crucial moments to pray with me - and gently remind me that He's still there. :)

Random thoughts

- Sometimes encouragement comes from unexpected people
- God sometime answers prayers faster than one can hope despite smallness of faith and it was said in the most unexpected place and with an unexpected person
- Grace received is also meant to be imparted
- Need to get more work done! :p

Thought

*sigh.. It's time to face the inevitable..

I wish...

Don't Waste Your Pulpit

I really like this clip - says a lot about ministry of the pulpit... Especially in view of a sermon in my church a couple of weeks ago.

Lead Me To The Cross -Graham Kendrick

One of my favourite songs. Was just sitting at the piano the other day and somehow it spoke to me again.

How can I be free from sin?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus
From the guilt, the power, the pain?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus

There's no other way
No price that I could pay
Simply to the cross I cling
This is all I need
This is all I plead
That his blood was shed for me

How can I know peace within?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus
Sing a song of joy again!
Lead me to the cross of Jesus

Flowing from above
All-forgiving love
From the Father's heart to me!
What a gift of grace
His own righteousness
Clothing me in purity!

How can I live day by day?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus
Following his narrow way?
Lead me to the cross of Jesus

Quote on friendship

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

What if I stumble? - DC Talk

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

CHORUS
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

CHORUS

Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that

I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]

CHORUS

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

Goodbye House Number Twenty Nine...

"House Number Twenty Nine" - was what we'd affectionately call our house of over twenty years whenever we sat around the table together as a family during the evening and dream of schemes together. Though we never felt it was 'our own' because we could be asked to move at any time, it was the house where my siblings and I grew up in.

I remember the excitement when we first moved in - I was seven years old and mum made it seem fun to clean the house and scrub the floors together. Things had been tough for her and my father and she tells us that God had let us to this house to be a family together. I remember the 'Chee Cheong Fun' man stopping by the corner and playing his little ditty to indicate that he was ready to sell food from his motorcycle. We'd take a break from the scrubbing to enjoy the Chee Cheong Fun he sold - I'd enjoy the fishball especially. :)

It was in this house that I grew up living with my beloved great-grandmother until the day she passed away. Countless others have stayed over at our house through the years as my parents have always opened our home to full time workers, friends and family members. Just as I hope that they've been blessed by our hospitality, I've been blessed and inspired by their presence in our lives as they shared their life stories and broke bread together with my family. Some have remained good friends over the years- even though they were just passing by at that point of time.

There has been many parties - Christmases where we'd gather children around the neighbourhood to go carolling. I remember especially the one where Tim was playing the trumpet and we came up with a little presentation and walked around the neighbourhood. It has usually been a tradition of mum to invite ppl who were alone during Christmas or who had no where to go and we'd celebrate it together with them - with turkey and roast lamb - as well as with a spot of carolling together with all who attended. Many who came would be come back the following year. I also remember celebrating my 16th birthday party and many people came. It was one of the most memorable occasion for me. I think more than 50 ppl came on that day - both friends and family.

I also remember how mum would let us play with candles during mooncake festivals and let us walk around with our favourite lanterns on the verandah. We would also play out in the rain when mum permitted us to and we'd have fun squirting water at one another as well as cleaning the drains or washing our car together. When the rain stopped, we'd dash into the house and shower while mum prepared hot drinks for us and some snacks. We had many dogs (Snoopy, Mozart, Milo, Tom), rabbits, chickens, hamsters, turtles, live prawns, fish, etc...

We'd spend our evenings after dinner playing word games (scrabble, boggle, grabble), board games, as well as poring over maps, reading books or mum would just read to us interesting articles before we headed back to our studies for the evening.

The house has seen both the ups and downs of our family - both our joys and our struggles for more than twenty years. We never expected to stay so long and now it's time to move on. So goodbye house number twenty nine!! You've been a blessing from God to us. :)

On moving house...

It's been quite a weekend. Have been staying in my new place since Friday evening and it's been just crazy moving everything over the weekend. In between work and attending church, have been basically drenched in my own sweat for hours. Just felt like collapsing by yesterday evening. After this experience, I think I'd be happy NOT to move for the next 20 years. There's still heaps to be done and I'm told that it'd take the next few months to settle down. *groan.

Quote

When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

For Fun

Rather funny and entertaining. A guitarist version of Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro". *grin

Flight milestone

Had my first attempt today to fly to and fro all on my own - 3 weeks ahead of schedule. :) Managed to get some work done and then did a bit of exploring.
The possibilities look endless from here on.

Getting along together

Day of Rest

It's been quite a day of rest for me. Went out early in the morning (for a Monday) and sent some friends to the clinic and had fellowship over breakfast at the Seremban morning market. It was the first time I've actually been at the market, so it was quite fascinating for me. After that, I sent my friends back and thought to send my car to do some fixing-up. Unfortunately or fortunately, the service centre was too busy and I had to make an appointment for another time. Therefore decided to go watch a movie with uncle David. We both were in a mood for something lighthearted and so we watched "Pink Pather 2" at student prices (much to the bewilderment of the person who collected our tickets. *grin)!

After the movie, rushed back, did my dorm duty and took a drive with a couple of friends to the beach. We had an awesome time just walking around, getting to know one another, just sitting gazing at the sunset and having dinner together(pics above). It's been a pretty good day.

Anyway - Nichole Nordeman

*I love this song

Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I am starting to see me finally

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michelangelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time

But You called me beautiful
When You saw my shame
And You placed me on the wall
Anyway

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness You meant for me
So I polish and shine
Til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But You called me beautiful
When You saw my shame
And You placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And You placed me on the wall
Anyway

Happy Valentine's Day

Someone sent me this early this morning and I thought it was rather cute. :)

Thoughts

It's been quite a week for me so far... So many things have been going on, I've made a few new discoveries and have been finding out ways of how I can help people around me a little more. In the last few weeks, there have seem to be a greater sense of dissatisfaction and frustration. I must admit that I've been complaining more as well...

I've always been a great believer of when God allows you to see a certain situation around you in a way no one else can, it's for one to merely be a spectator but to see how one can be a part of it for the better. If we who see things do not play a part to change things, when things take a turn for the worse, we too should carry the blame.

This week seems to be a week where I've been able to see situations in which I can be of help to those who are in need (especially to those who may not be able to repay it back) and play a small part *hopefully* in changing things for those who I may not have admittedly paid much attention to before.

It's weird, in helping others, I begin to realize how much I'm blessed - there seems to be a greater awareness of it. After all, I can't give what I do not have. So it seems to me that I am discovering that I have more to give than I thought I did....

Random

Apparently I make my passengers laugh when I drive.. Dunno whether it's a good thing.. Hmmm...

How a school desk should be like

Wish we could implement this in STM.. I'd enjoy classes even better. *cheeky grin

Quote

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” - Edmund Burke

Flying and helping others

It's been quite a day for me.. One of my best Sabbaths definitely. :) I had fun just learning to fly... Seem to be learning faster that I'd thought I'd be able to and have been exploring the distances that I'm able to go to at the moment. Am definitely on a steep learning curve. There are things that I've yet to refine but I guess I can't do everything in one day.

I have been reminded about a few things too - in my enthusiasm, have to try to remind myself to not go to the extreme and to be grounded from time to time. Also, with wings, there is the responsibility to help those who can't fly - just as those who've helped me in the past... :)

Thank You for this day with You and for the blessing of 'my wings'. Thank You for Your reminder that I'm to be a 'channel of blessing' to others too as You bless me. You give and You take away.

All My Praise -Selah

My New Wings

Just got a 'new pair of wings'. Find myself to be a little impatient- cos I've yet to learn to fly well. :) I am thankful cos I never envisioned to have a car so soon. I am reminded that it's a responsibility too - there's quite a few things that I need to remember to do. :p So it looks like another season of learning is ahead of me - season of learning to fly.. :D

Moving house!!!

Looks like it's almost time to move house as it's almost ready! Am so excited!!! Waiting to see what else is going to happen. *cross fingers. Still need to finish my packing though.. I foresee a very busy weekend. :p

Sighing

From Comics.com

Quote

“... joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.” - Kahlil Gibran

All Who Are Thirsty -Kutless

Quote

“Whoever starts out toward the unknown must consent to venture alone” - Andre Gide