Bridal Shower, CUG Games, Work

Am beginning to think that I've been overdoing it these last couple of days. My head is pounding slightly and my sis commented that I've got bags under my eyes (great! :p). I think I'm going to have to do an 8pm-er soon(sleeping at 8pm is an unnatural phenomena with me - happens once in a blue moon).

Since my last post, I've had my driving lessons (this time thankfully with quite a nice driving instructor), seeing Rev Tan about my Malaysian Church History assignment, gone back to church to do some work, went for CUG (I played every round of games that they had. Now my whole body's protesting at the contortions that I had to do), went to church again for more work (trying to maintain my patience and trying to refrain from arguing with some stubborn people thrown in between- I was this close from losing it. :p) and attended a bridal shower.

Some highlights:

Driving lesson - My driving instructor this time was a different guy. Thankfully he was quite pleasant and I'm now fairly confident in doing the slope, parallel parking and the three point turn thingy (I think I repeated all three around more than 20 times until both he and I were quite fed up - I am seriously looking forward to being on the road during the next class). This driving instructor is a recently retired bank officer and had just started being an instructor for two days. He has 4 children (oldest in form 5, youngest 2 months old). I also found out some other interesting facts - his world view of Christians was very Roman Catholic in nature. When he found out I was in bible school, he asked me if I was going to be a nun. When I mentioned that I might possibly become a pastor(somehow I found it a little more difficult telling him that I might be a missionary), he didn't understand what/who a pastor was and asked if that was similar to being a priest. When he finally understood, he likened a pastor to being an 'imam' (Muslim religious leader). He asked what my bro and sis were doing and understandably made a remark that in some way I chose the 'lesser path'. I think that a part of him was puzzled as to why I would choose to do what I am doing now. I seriously do not know if the answers I gave him were adequate but I myself was challenged to reflect on the path that I've chosen to take (in a good way).

CUG Games- Had quite a fun time in CUG last nite. It was also challenging. We played a game that required team work and good strategy planning. Through it, I learnt that Kerry can have quite a devious mind (he initially put me near the goal to be the 'striker' with the hopes that the opponent's team will not dare to bully/touch me as I was a girl and a church worker to boot - unfortunately, his brother, who was on the opponent's team had no such compunction. He even planted Ps Choon Meow at strategic places cos he said that the opponent's team would not dare to harass Ps Choon Meow either. :p), our CUG people are very competitive people and at the same time were very supportive of whoever were leading them. I played all five games(thanks to Kerry) for two hours. Was really a zombie when I finally reached home at 12. Some more went out with bro and sis after that cos was really hungry(didn't have dinner). Finally slept at 2am (*faint).

Bridal Shower - One of my childhood friend, Alicia Chew, is getting married next month. The Chew sisters are quite known for organizing events. This event was quite different from the other bridal showers I've attended. We went to a french restaurant and.... we learnt cooking from a french chef, Jean Michel. We basically learnt how to cook whatever that was going to be on the dinner menu and so it was pretty cool to learn to make creme brulee, Lamb Shanks Confit and some bruschettas (mushroom, pate, the ones with tomatoes and the ones with olive). Alicia was roped in to help the chef (on the pretext that she was going to be a wife soon, so she might as well learn to cook *grin*). It was an eye opening experience with lots of laughs as the chef was quite entertaining and engaging with his stories. There was only 15 of us (including her mother and 3 sisters) so it was very cosy and relaxing. We didn't even notice the time flying. The Chew sisters also managed to get her fiance Mark(now still in the US), to do a video to introduce himself to us and to share stories of how they met, and their most memorable experience together, how he proposed, etc... It helped us to get to know him a bit better. I was just very happy for Alicia especially as I know I how long she's been waiting to marry. :D

The Cry of a Seminarian

Do you care for me and my fellow seminarians?
Do you really really care?
Do you care for me the person, not just the me that you see in my grades?
Do you know or even care of my struggles?

I struggle as I walk these steps in seminary each day.
I struggle as I re-learn things about God, as I am being corrected in my thoughts about Him.
I struggle as I try to combine faith and knowledge.
I struggle as God speaks into my life and challenges me in the darkest areas of my life.
I struggle as I begin to see more and more of the failures of the church - and wonder if one day I'll be a part of those failures.
I struggle to love the church as Christ loves her when I begin to see these failures.
I struggle to choose not to run away or to hide instead.
I struggle not to be cynical when I see that those who are supposed to be modelling Christ fails to do so.
I struggle to still have hope in God each day in spite of what I see around me.
I struggle when I see those around me, their passion for God dying and wonder if/when my turn will come.
I struggle and wonder if I'll last these years of seminary.
I struggle with the workload - and wonder at the end of the day if all the work I'm doing is worth it in the long run.
I struggle as I see the areas of weaknesses in my life and wonder if I'll be an effective minister of Christ when I graduate.
I struggle when I see lecturers not seeming to live out their faith - when what they teach seems to come merely from their lips and not their lives.
I struggle as sometimes I feel so alone in this journey.
I struggle with my fears for the future - in being a future minister of Christ - if I'll be too impractical in my faith because of the way I am being taught.
I struggle when I see hypocrites or Pharisees around me - and pray that I'll not one day turn out to be one of them.

Will you journey with me?
Will you walk alongside me, not to tell me that everything will be fine - but to let me know that I'm not alone in this journey?
Will you share more of your life and experiences with me - to prepare me more for what's ahead?
Will you just spend SOME time to know me for me - to show that through you Christ cares for me and my struggles - that I am indeed worth more than my grades in a culture where we are judged by our achievements?

Will you help me connect with what I see is happening to the world with what God says in His Word?

Will you help me to know God more - not just intellectually?
Will you be my role model so that I may be an effective role model for the people who will be one day under my care?

I don't need you to be perfect - just be broken jars of clay - that God may be seen through you in spite of your imperfectness.
I don't need you to teach me through just words - but to teach me by your life (after all, don't you know that your actions speaks louder than words?).

Mengejar hadir-Mu

One of my lecturers (Herbert Tan) played this song in class last semester. I've been so into this song since then.



Mengejar Hadir-Mu
Dekat pada-Mu itu rinduku
Setiap kataku Kau pun menunggu
Tak kusangka kutemukan
Kasih yang abadi
Kini ku datang dan ku bawa hidupku

Chorus:
Memandang wajah-Mu
Mengikuti kebaikan-Mu
Mengejar hadir-Mu dalam hidupku
Membawa sembahku
Menyatakan kebesaran-Mu
Mengejar hadir-Mu dalam hidupku

Cute Photo

This was one the classic photo shots that I took - so unlike Mr Chew. even Dr Solomon Rajah is looking at him. *cheeky grin*

Quote for the day

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” - Kahlil Gibran

Good memories

Hahaha - seeing this pic brings up quite a lot of good memories.

'Sekarang Cikgu Sudah Setengah Mati'

I think I've found my new calling - exasperating teachers to no end (my driving instructor in particular). ;)

It's been quite a hilarious day. Spent most of my morning waiting for my turn to learn how to drive for the first time in my life. (hahaha - i think i can hear my bro in Australia saying 'finally'! I can drive you and Vern around the next time you come over to Malaysia ;) ). While waiting, it was just good to be alone with my thoughts and with God. I also took a short opportunity to pray that I will have a good driving instructor.

He finally came just when I thought that they had totally forgotten that I was waiting(and this was like 2 hours after - good thing I'm a very patient person). I had to wait for him to finish his food first - which was a good thing cos I think he'd be in a worse humour otherwise. :p

I do not understand which part of 'I'm a NEW DRIVER' he did not understand. After a cursory minute of pointing out the accelerator, gear, clutch and brake pad; he immediately taught me to do parallel parking AND the three point turn (this was so unlike Rod's instructor who let him drive around the circuit to get used to the car for the first half an hour before getting him to do the stuff I was doing). I was seriously quite blur about what I was doing and was hoping that I'd remember all the instructions that he kept rapidly shooting at me. :P Immediately after going through those two things, he said 'sekarang kita akan naik bukit!'... *faint* And it was the beginning of his troubles with me (serves him right!!) and the beginning of my fun...

I managed to go up the hill after a couple of tries. I even managed to stop of the right spot most of the time. His headache was when I had to go downhill.. As a newbie, I was still getting used to the three pads at my feet and was a bit confused (who wouldn't be when one is feeling disorientated and haven't gotten used to the functions of the pad and had a talkative instructor who kept on giving instructions that one had to try to follow at the same time - it was rather disconcerting). I also wasn't used to the hand brake - kept on forgetting to pull it up first. And so you see my dilemma - my legs didn't know how to function and neither did my hands. I attempted first to concentrate on what my legs were doing and follow his instructions - which I did ok after a few tries. The problem was when it was time to release the hand brake, I totally forgot what my feet were doing. Me being me, I saw the humour in my situation, and kept on laughing at myself. It didn't help that my instructor kept on making funny comments about my hand and feet coordination either. So no surpriselaa - I went up and down a hill quite a fair bit of times without any success. There was a guy at the pondok(hut) at the top of the hill and after seeing my dilemma, was kind enough to tell me to calm down, and gave the instructions in a SLOW manner that I could follow and absorbed. It finally worked! My instructor, by then quite exasperated with me (with his humor still intact) joked about it and said 'tengoklaa, saya ajar awak tak dengar, dia ajar awak, awak boleh dapat'. :p I wisely kept quiet (I wanted to whack him at that point already). :p

Anyways, he finally got out of the car and sat at the pondok after a while. By then, I was beginning to get the hang of all the controls - so while the coming down wasn't perfect it was definitely getting better. My instructor kept on saying 'tengoklah, kalau saya tak ada dalam kereta, awak boleh dapat. Kalau saya ada dalam kereta, awak tak boleh dapat' :P Funny guy. He also kept on saying 'kalau naik bukit - markah boleh dapat 100%. Kalau turn bukit, markah juga turun jadi kosong'. :p It was exasperating and funny at the same time (reminded me of another teruk lecturer i know). I seriously couldn't stop laughing by then(it was a better option than crying). Rod, who was quite far away could even hear him yelling at me from the pondok 'jangan ketawalaaa!'. hahahaha. The next time I went up the hill, the instructor asked me 'awak suka baca komik punya ah? selalu ketawa-ketawa'. :P

And so this went on for two hours - and the time definitely flew for me. At the end of the class, he asked me, 'You betul-betul mula belajar hari ini ya? Tak ada memandu di taman ke?'. Duh - what on earth did he think that i was trying to tell him in the first hour? :P I told him I was a law abiding citizen and that one of my granddad used to be a policeman in Bukit Aman.

Anyways, he appeared to be quite happy with my progress (me too!) - I could more or less go up and down the hill without a hitch towards the end of the class. He cheekily told me that he was quite happy that I could finish it in 2 hours cos some people take more than a day to learn it well (contrast this with him telling me earlier that some people took 3 tries to learn it and i was taking more than half an hour to learn it. :p). At the end of the class, I thanked him for his instructions and help. He, being the funny guy that he was said 'Tak apa, sekarang cikgu sudah setengah mati!'.

I'm sooo looking forward to my next class on Friday. Can't wait to torment him again. :D

Quote from Criminal Minds (Riding of the Lightning ep.)

“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” - Albert Pines

A Visit From The Past

Am so awfully excited! I saw an old OCF friend -Li Ming - online today (thank God for Yahoo IM!) after not seeing her for so many years. She and another really good friend of mine are getting married at the end of this year.

She was really cute- she wanted me and a few others to play for her wedding (we called ourselves the Delmont Group cos we used to practice in the garage of a house named delmont. The OCF guys were leaving there and we used the garaged to put all our equipment. The girls would stay at greenhouse - I stayed there in my second and third year - and our equipment and practice eventually moved to the garage there). My friend's husband to-be (Ho Vui Kian) is also my super good friend in OCF(Overseas Christian Fellowship). We both used to spend hours together praying and planning for the worship ministry in OCF - he was the committee in charge of worship(and eventually became OCF president) and I was the worship coordinator - you could say that I received a lot of training for my current job at church from OCF days. *wistful sigh* those were the days.

Am so looking forward to see everyone at the end of this year again. Crossing my fingers that there won't be any clashes-especially with potential mission trip!!!

TV Series

Finished watching Criminal Minds Season 1 during the holidays. It's quite fascinating and interesting - about profiling criminals (also known as unsubs - unknown subjects). Definitely more suspense than CSI. Adding it to my list of must watch tv series:

1. Monk (My Absolute Favourite!!!)

2. Criminal Minds

3. CSI: Las Vegas, New York and Miami

4. Gilmore girls

5. NCIS

6. Boston Legal

7. Numb3rs

8. House

9. Psych

10. Heroes

A Cool Quote from Criminal Minds (What Fresh Hell ep.)

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them? - Rose Kennedy

The ministry of a mother

Was just having a conversation with my mother in the morning as she picked me up from work to send me home to rest. As I spoke with her, I was reminded again of how blessed I am to have her for my mother.

My mother is a woman with lots of skills and wisdom. She also has a heart for missions. Yet, for all her giftings, she chose to be a stay at home mother to us instead of going out to work. She found ways to earn an income from the home while being there for us when we needed her. This meant that she had to be cook, driver, tuition teacher, income earner, financial manager, etc... Though I know it must've been tough for her, she chose to be with us. As she told me this morning, she'd always considered myself, my bro and my sis to be her top ministry priority. *wow*

As I look at all my skills, giftings and ministry abilities right now, I must say that I owe it all to my mother. She's one of the best teachers I know. She teaches and inspires us by example and not by mere words of commands.

I remember when I was young, she'd sit at the piano in the evenings and sing hymns or songs while playing the piano. I remember thinking to my self - 'when I grow older, I want to be like mum. I want to be able to play and sing on the piano - maybe even better than her.' Then, I'd never dreamed that it would one day be a major part of my work- worship leading in church and playing the piano from time to time.

I remember the times when my mum, myself, my bro and my sis sitting around the dinner table playing word games and scrabble after dinner. Mum was always the champion in the word games. I remember thinking too that I would love to win her when I grew older and sought to improve my vocabulary and read extensively. Today my English is what it is because of my mum's creative way of getting me interested in learning the English language.

As I look at my mother, I wish that many Christian mothers would see ministry the way my mum does - so that there will be a next generation of Christians that will be strong in their faith and that the church of Christ will be better for it.

New Blog Look

After 3 years of the same look on my blog and plenty of encouragement from others, I've finally given my blog a new look.

My pity party - Hate being sick

Have been in and out(more in than out) of bed yesterday and today because I'm S-I-C-K!!

Forehead and body feels clammy.

Head feels heavy with the occasional headache that squeezes out tears from eyes.

Abdomen is in pain because of my body wracking cough. (I dread it whenever I feel the next bout of cough coming along). *sob*

Feel like I'm coughing my lungs out.

Back is beginning to ache too. *sob*

Hate waking up in the middle of the nite because of the cough.

Limbs doesn't feel the same -feels week and achy.

I think my nose is thinking of running away too. :(

Can someone just shoot me and put me out my misery.

Happy Birthday Lucy!

Dearest Lucy,
Happy Birthday to You! I'm so blessed to know you. Since I've met you a year and a half ago, my life has been enriched. You have brought such joy to our prayer meetings and our fellowship. Your honesty(daring to just be who you are) and your lack of guile are qualities that I truly admire about you. I've come to love you as I would my own sister.
May our God continue to bless you in all that you do. I pray too that you will continually grow in His grace and love.

Love you heaps.

Interesting way to pray

Was looking through my mission trip pics and remembered this pic. :)

Broken Prayer

Sometimes, just when I think all is going well - that You are finally answering my prayers - the tide suddenly seem to turn the other way. It's like going one step forward but two steps back.

I hurt.

How long more till healing comes? How long before You will heal her?

How I struggle as I watch her struggle.

As I too am broken, I hide my pain from her. Even though I love her a lot.

She looks at me and see someone detached - someone who doesn't care.

She does not understand that some lessons learnt long ago are hard to undo - that it's easier to hide the pain beneath the smile in fear of being hurt again.

And so again I turn to You.

Where else can I go?

You see the struggle beneath.

You see how much I love her - and I know You love her so much more.

Will You speak into her life?

Show her that You are there for her when all others fail?

Will You take her out of the place that she's in and lift her to higher ground?

Brokenly I ask You - please God, please save her...

Rantings....

Have been back one day in seminary and life here has just been crazier than working in church... :p
Have been rushing around doing errands today during breaks (we've been having sessions cos it's Quiet Day :p). Have also practices and a power point presentation to do tonite for tomorrow's service before I sleep. *SIGH*

The sessions weren't too bad - more or less what I hear from my mum from time to time (my mum's a wise woman. :) )

Looks like I don't have time to finish this post - a milion things are crying out to be done before practice in 15 mins... Will pick up the threads later(if I ever get to it)..

On a side note, I had this really brilliant idea yesterday while I was unpacking - I sorta fixed my speakers to my bed and the music sounds awesome.... Sorta a surround sound when I'm lying down on my bed or when I'm blogging while sitting on bed ... hehehehe

Unexpected changes...

I was watching a show that contrasted expectedness and unexpectedness. It talked about how the unexpected changes a person... I suppose that this is why sometimes God throws in unexpectedness in our lives - though we wish that life would be more predictable...

Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)

Am listening through some of the songs that I have... Came across this version of Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin... Quite Nice....



Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)

Verse 1:
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind but now I see

Verse 2:
T'was grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Chorus:
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love Amazing Grace

Verse 3:
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
as long as life endures

Verse 4:
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, who call'd me here below
Will be forever mine

Today's Sermon

The rest of the today's service was also quite fun. A good friend and also one of my lecturers at STM , Dr Lim Kar Yong, was speaking in church this morning. His sermon "What story are you telling?" was also quite interesting. We collaborated together with two other friends, EJ and Chris Chew (whom I fondly call 'gramps' from the age of 12) to have a surprise sketch in the middle of his sermon to bring out the story in Mark 5:1-20 (the one about the demon possessed man). The aim of the sketch was to contrast the stories of the demon possessed man and the pig farmer. Gramps and Kar Yong wrote the script - I must say that Kar Yong did well in adding the witty bits (the congregation was quite tickled and one of my close friends who is a professional singer told me that she couldn't stop laughing). EJ acted as the demoniac and yours truly acted as Mrs PIG FARMER(somehow I was 'tarik'ed into it)! From my perspective, it was fun but a bit scary too. I have not acted for many many years(and when I did many many years ago, I generally took minor roles or just preferred the narrator role). So it was rather a challenge for me. Later on another congregation member pointed out he couldn't figure out how I could worship lead and act on the same service (now that I think about it, neither can I!). Was a bit stressed that I would forget the lines (I actually DID forget a line- but EJ and I managed to cover it up - Thank God!). I must say that EJ and I made a pretty good team -hahaha- must be all that squabbling and making up over the years that helped us work alongside in ministry and understand each other better.

For the fun of it, I will post the script below (which took 5-8 mins to act). Kar Yong rather naughtily insisted I started the sketch by screaming really loudly to get people's attention (mind you, this was in the MIDDLE of his sermon). Some of the feedback on the scream: "I didn't pay attention to the sermon until the scream!"; "I thought Kar Yong was screaming, but I thought it was weird cos it sounded like a woman's scream!"; "You woke my daughter up with your scream! But that was ok cos she enjoyed the sketch after that"; "It was so scarylaa when I heard the scream in the middle of the sermon. I thought something was wrong with Kar Yong, some more he ran off the stage suddenly. I was like OMG, what's wrong?!!"; "I knew it - it sounded like Ruth screaming - I thought the voice sounded rather familiar"(this last bit was from one of my colleagues in church, I guess he must be familiar with my scream cos of my doing so at work in frustration sometimes). Kekekeke.... Yup- the service turned out to be really fun. :) Our next repeat of the play will take place at Doulos Presbyterian church in two weeks time. Hope I don't forget all my lines by then or have brain damage from memorising my lines. :p

*********************************************
It’s Gone!
By Chris Chew and Kar Yong

PFW: (Distraught) It’s gone! It’s gone! I am ruined! I am finished!!! (Ruth: make sure you really really scream here!! We need the effect here…)

DPM: (Relieved) It’s gone! It’s gone! I am saved! I am free!!!

PFW: (Between tears) It was not always like this, I had a house, a family, *sob sob*… had my own business. I was rich.

DPM: It was not always like this, I used to live in tombs, I was always bound by chains until it could not hold me no more. I was a mad man.

PFW: I was driven by profits

DPM: (Fearful) I… I was possessed by evil spirits

PFW: The day started beautifully, bright sunny skies, everything was perfect.

DPM: The day started as usual, possessed by an evil spirit. Can’t think straight, could not focus, always angry always shouting. It was a nightmare.

PFW & DPM (together): They he came into town

PFW: I knew he was trouble from the start. Why? (Angry) Because that mad man, than mad man possessed by an evil spirit, the very one that we could never catch him and hold him but He, that mad man went to see him. He knew Jesus was coming, somehow he knew.

DPM: I did not know what I was doing but I heard he was coming to town and so I went to meet him when he got out of the boat. I don’t know what made me do it but I think it knew, the thing inside me.

PFW: No one in town was able to hold this mad man town but when he saw Jesus, he fell on his knees. Devil’s trick I tell you.

DPM: I don’t know what made me do it, but when I saw him I fell to the ground. Then I asked him “What do you want with me, Jesus Son of the Most High God. Swear to God that you won't torture me!"

PFW: This man Jesus, just said "Come out of this man, you evil spirit!" and that was the beginning of trouble. Then he asked for the spirit’s name.

DPM: "My name is Legion," I replied, "for we are many." Then I think it begged Jesus to send them to the pigs and when Jesus gave them permission… all the spirits went into the pigs…

PFW: My pigs, my herd, all those hard work looking after them. Feeding them. All 2,000 of them…

DPM: All the pigs…

PFW & DPM (together): drowned!!!

PFW: All my stocks gone! This is worst than Nipah virus, and the beta agonis crisis…

DPM: I felt my life has returned to me, someone.. no, God has given my life back to me.

PFW & DPM (together): Gone!

PFW: My pigs!

DPM: My chains

PFW: My char siew business!

DPM: The evil spirits!

PFW: No more roast pork

DPM: No more countless sleepless nights!

PFW: He ought to pay!

DPM: The Lord be praised!

PFW: Crucify him!

DPM: Hallelujah!

PFW: I should charge him no! I should sue him! Hehehe…should we say this: I must consult Daniel Yeoh…

DPM: I must tell everyone, the messiah is here!

PFW: No, I cannot do this alone. He has got 12 stupid disciples following him. I am outnumbered!

DPM: I must tell others what he has done!

PFW: These 12 good for nothing useless disciples. One of them is even a tax collector. Can’t he count the loss of revenue? Couldn’t he have told Jesus, how much it would have cost all of us. He could have stopped all this!

DPM: I wanted to join him and his disciples but he told me to go tell my family and tell how much the Lord has done for me and how God has had mercy on me.

PFW: No, I must rally with more people! Justice must be served! Jesus must go!

DPM: Yes, I will do what he told me to. I will go to home to Decapolis and tell everyone!

PFW: He must be rejected!

DPM: Jesus must be accepted! My chains fell off, My heart was free, I rose went forth and followed Thee...

PFW: My pigs ran off, now I am broke, I fell, went home and mourned my loss.. We will drive that trouble maker out of our town! Raise the pitch forks! Sound the alarm!

DPM: I’ve got a story to tell. I must do it now

PFW: I’ve also got a story to tell. I must do it now.

Today's Worship

This morning, the service was one of the more memorable ones for me. I was worship leading (this time without my partner, Jason, cos he had to go to Penang to see Shin Ee participate in a dragon boat race). It has been rather tough going with the songlist in this past week - senior pastor had very specific requests and his instructions was rather conflicting at times (seriously - how many GOOD songs are written on the presence of God/God's glory that are contemporary??)... It was a bit of a headache and a challenge for me - you would not believe how many times I reviewed the list and prayed over it - I wanted to fit in a BM song or a hymn at the same time which can be quite a toughie if one wants a smooth flow. Anyways, I was really proud of my team - all who I call friends. They were really supportive and sporting and though I know I asked them to do a few things that were difficult, as a team, they really helped a lot with encouraging the congregation to worship this morning. People said that there were more energy in the worship today. Personally, it was just very rewarding to see people just really getting into the worship. It was awesome to see people slowly put aside their inhibitions and worship God.

On reflection, it's been quite a journey for me. I see how much I've grown as a worship leader (and how much more I can and need to grow). There was a period where I struggle with being worship leader - and I still do sometimes. There have been times when I've wondered at the purpose of my being a worship leader and how there must be better things to do with my time(such as doing missions or just helping the poor). Today, I was very strongly reminded of why I am in this ministry in the first place. There was just great joy and a sense of rightness for me as I saw people worshipping God as I learn to be a lead them by example by worshipping from my heart. Not only that, it's been such an encouragement to see members of my worship team grow as we journey together to lead the people in worship. Many times I struggle with encouraging members of my team to grow in their spiritual walk. I get disheartened and discouraged many times cos there seem to be so much distractions for them in their daily lives. So many things to pull them away from God. It feels like a losing battle. However, as I take time to talk to them this past week, I am encouraged to see glimpses of growth and maturity in some of their walk. It encourages me to press on and to keep on praying for them.

Dear Lord,
Thanks so much for all that you've done.
Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light.

Quote for today

“The Bible without the Holy Spirit is a sundial by moonlight” –DL Moody (1837-99)

Quote for the day

“It is less important to ask a Christian what he or she knows about the Bible than to inquire what he or she does with it”
-Leslie Newbigin (1905-98), British reformed theologian, missionary & ecumenical leader

Recap of the day

It's been quite a day...
Started it with an Intermediate Greek Test (this will be the last time i have anything to do with Greek for the rest of my studies here - except for exegesis)!
Went out for lunch with my two good friends Gerrad and Joshua and we popped into the movies to watch 'Next' - most of the movie's good, but the ending a bit crappy... :p
Came back and finished some church work for the week (I hope!), chatted with some friends online and then helped a friend with his book review (more like helping with his sentence construction) and followed by a good rest.
Had a late dinner with G and Josh and then we popped by a DVD shop - just to see what they had. For some reason, the place was suddenly swarming with STM students - which is quite weird, mainly because we having exams and assignments because this is the final week of semester. :p Then again, I think we're all trying to keep our sanity...
Am back in my room now - deliberating between starting my assignment or watching a show on my com... Looks like the assignment is winning out... :p

Sometimes...

Sometimes being a worship coordinator can be rather trying....

This semester

Everything's quiet at this hour. Mmmmm..... Sweet....

Work's waiting - but it can wait while I savour this moment.... *contented sigh*

Another semester's coming to an end. In this sem, quite a few friendships have grown deeper, some have grown apart, some have begun anew, some have just begun. Another season of change. Another season of learning....

Assignment wise, things are more settled, the fears have receded somewhat... Though of course there are improvements that could be made next semester. Oh well, another semester of moving forward in this area I suppose. On the whole though, am thoroughly glad that most of the assignments are completed just two more to finish up by next Thursday.

Am looking to this break - to going for the mission trip - a learning experience of a different kind. Am looking forward to having some restand to hanging out with a few friends that I've been close to this semester before I head back to work in the office in June. I am looking forward to going back to the office in June - to spend some time with people in the worship ministry as well as with the CUG people. There have been many times that I wished that I could spend a little more time with them - though I've gotten to know a few of them better.

Have become closer with my prayer group as we open to one another and share each other's struggles. Gerrad and Joshua's been especially good companions this past sem. I've also enjoyed much of the coffee sessions with Kar Yong and Silvester - their conversations are always interesting. *grin*. My room mate's been somewhat whacky but a great roomie. :)

This semester's been more balanced in terms of work and rest - have been getting more rest and learning to practice the Sabbath. It's been a good challenge for me to learn to rest. I more and more realise how much of a workaholic I can be sometimes. :p My inner life has definitely been better for it.

A Way Back Into Love

Watched Music and Lyrics recently. This song's being going on and on in my head. As one person said, "It's sweet, Just sweet.."

I've been living with a shadow overhead

I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed

I've been lonely for so long

Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away

Just in case I ever need em again someday

I've been setting aside time

To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine

I've been searching but I just don't see the signs

I know that it's out there

There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light

Not just somebody just to get me throught the night

I could use some direction

And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart again

I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real

Or if anybody feels the way I feel

I need inspiration

Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love

I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you

I'm hoping you'll show me what to do

And if you help me to start again

You know that I'll be there for you in the end

May the Words of My Mouth

May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart
Bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus
And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways
Speak of You, speak of You, Jesus

For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You

Lord, will You be my vision
Lord, will You be my guide
Be my hope, be my light and the way
And I'll look not for riches, nor praises on earth
Only You'll be the first of my heart

I will follow
I will follow
I will follow You

Randomness and joyfulness

Corinthians assignments are waiting to be done, church work is waiting to be done, another small assignment waiting to be done.... *sigh*
Me being my usual scatter brain self, just feel the need to do some blogging at the moment - in spite of all that are waiting to be done - was just inspired by another friend to write this blog entry.

Random thoughts:

• Am quite satisfied with the A&W float I just had earlier this evening


• Had a terrific weekend


• Church History test on this Friday.. :p


• Worse still, Greek test's on Monday


• Both Corinthians assignment are due next Friday (as my fav TV character Monk would say - it's a blessing and a curse)


• Looking forward to the coming break - a bit tired of doing assignments. Am looking forward to hang out with some of my friends without the assignments or exams hanging over our heads.


• Love of reading has somewhat palled this semester, hope to be able to read the stuff that I'm interested in


• Bought a new book on Saturday from Evangel - looking forward to it


• The weather is awfully hot


• I have to play the piano tomorrow morning


• I'm planning to sleep late tonite - at least finish some reading for my corinthians assignment and finish up the small assignment (otherwise another lecturer will definitely kill me)


• Looking forward to having some solitude time sometime soon


• Saw a pretty interesting video the other day - it was Wes (a little brother in Australia that I was quite fond of) proposing to my close friend Sarah. Miss them heaps as I watched the video and at the same time am so glad for them. They got married Feb this year.



• Am glad to have good girl friends who will stay up until ungodly hours to encourage me to do my assignments.


• Am so happy that the CUG ministry is coming along. Looking forward to spending time with the girls during June. They're a lovely bunch of people.


• Am so happy that God's working in the lives of those in the worship ministry - some are having a greater concious of a need for transformation in their lives. Am so encouraged by answered prayers.


• Am looking forward to having a new guy in the ministry this Friday. Am encouraged to see how God is working in his life and his family's.


• It's amazing how God's answering one or two prayers for my family-miraculous even.


• Am glad to have ppl like Tim and Jon around. Their willingness to come and pick us up on Sunday mornings and go for breakfast with us is very touching and encouraging.

Feel like I'm on top of the world
Yet part of me is a little afraid of falling from here
But for now, I will revel in this joy that You've given me
I will just marvel at every good thing that You've done
Am so amazed by Your grace
Am speechless at Your wonderful works
I want to shout to the world of all that you've done for me
Thank You so much my Father in Heaven!!

Reflection on Worship Retreat

Have been meaning to write this post in the last few days. For a host of reasons (needed post-retreat rest, assignments, etc...) was not able to until now. Just submitted an assignment - feels liberating... Have a few more to go. :p

Anyways - back on thoughts of Worship Retreat. This was the second one I've organised for the Worship Ministry in my church. It was more challenging as last minute, I ended handling all the details (did I mention that I'm in the midst of assignment season? :p This just meant that last week was an almost impossible week).

In the end, it was pretty worth it. I must say that it wasn't perfect - then again I wouldn't wish it to be. However, the group was small enough that the fellowship was really good and meaningful. The sense unity in the group was amazing - in the discussion and in the worship sessions. It was also timely as many in the team have been feeling rather tired. Ps Soon Hock messages really hit the areas that really needed to be addressed. Everyone was challenged by his messages -about our lives on/off stage, how we need to move on from where we are, the forms of worship (our church culture and who we want to reach out to). It was a good time of thinking and discussion on the the ministry. It was an encouragement to see both young and old in worship and in agreement with one another - though some of the discussion was funny. I think Ps have not realised what an odd bunch of people in the church he was inheriting (especially when we were discussing about lighting in the church- he was giving us funny looks- like in the pic below - when many said they were more comfortable with worshiping in the dark... kekeke).

My friendship with a friend also went deeper as we shared our stories and struggle with one another. I saw another side her and marriage through the sharing time. Gave me lots of food for thought. Also, I didn't feel so alone in my struggles cos she's been through more or less the same thing. We both saw how far God's brought us and how he's continually healing our lives. It was really awesome. Worship held more meaning for me after sharing - to continually know that He loves me and that I'm not alone....

I've also learnt to love the people in the ministry more as I get to know them more. Some of their quirkiness are rather endearing. The fellowship times over meals and mamak was rather fun as we spent time bonding with one another. I rather enjoyed the devotion time - I think it really spoke to many of us as we shared based on the material provided by Ps. On the overall, it was a great time.


Dear God,
Thanks for being with us at the retreat. It was a great time especially since you were there. Thanks so much for everything at the retreat!

Food, Food, Food

It's been a rather hectic weekend - the usual rush around with stuff at church this weekend. Friday with college group and rushing to get a thing or two done for Saturday. On Saturday, chaired a meeting (that's usually done by my boss but he had to move house-so that was that), Rushed to a lunch thingo - a really cool lady and her husband from church invited all church staff for lunch and it was absolutely lovely! We had home made poh piah, Nasi lemak that was absolutely fantastic - there were fried chicken, beef rendang, sotong and petai, sotong with sambal, some cupcakes with nuts, there was some home made kuih and home made 'goreng pisang' (fried banana). To top everything, there was fantastic coffee to finish the meal. It was an awesome treat. :) I enjoyed the fellowship with the office staff. It was a great lunch.
After lunch, we rushed back to church. Had worship practice (which thankfully wasn't as disastrous as the weekend before). Was worn out by the time 5.30 came.

Hung out with Tim and Jon - they kindly agreed to pick my sis from the lrt station and took us for dinner. We had lovely nasi lemak at another place that we have not been for a long time. Tim and Jon were rather amusing to be with as usual. But have come to love those two like my own brothers. They are really colourful characters - reminds me a bit of my family at times. *fond grin*. Had a nice evening with my sister. We watched "The Holiday" on DVD together and just hung out. I went to sleep after.

Tim and Jon (who have dubbed themselves as my drivers to church when my mum's not around) picked me up to church around 7 something and we went for breakfast together. The journey in the car was highly entertaining as usual. Jon has a really bad sense of direction - for the umpteenth time we had to direct him how to get to church from my house - so it made for an interesting ride on top of the constant brotherly bickering that those two are always involved in. kekkee

The time of Praise and Worship went well with one or two negligible hiccups. Am becoming fond of my new senior pastor and his wife. Am just very touched to see them come and pray with the team each week and show concern in the worship team. I think he had a good talk with Kerry and he played well on the drums today - better control of the volume.

Senior Pastor gave a practical, encouraging sermon about seeing changes - that we need to seek God to see changes(starting with ourselves). I particularly liked his peanuts illustration - about Lucy saying that she wants to change the world if she had the power. The other character said, "How would you do that?". Lucy replied "I would start by changing you." It was a refreshing perspective. God changes the world by changing me. Hmmm....

After service, had the usual feedback and prayer session followed by a special short meeting with the worship ministry members which went well. Helped out aunty Siew Leng on a special request with the children. *slight shudder* It was a bit chaotic :p. Thankfully it ended well. I really admire uncle Daniel with the way he relates with the children.

Had lunch(food again!) with some ex-cross gen leaders (now college group and young adults leaders) as well with pastor 'Choon' and Senior pastor and his wife. It was a good time of discussion. We were encouraged by Sr Pastor though we didn't settle on anything concrete - his insistence on us to continue to seek the Lord for our ministry and not pressing our own agenda is consistently a good reminder for us. We had a short discussion about personalities (Sr pastor says that he's an introvert - which makes it quite interesting cos most extroverts tend to hold prominent positions in our church - not to say that we don't have introverted leaders). I like something that he said - introverts think before they talk and extroverts talk to think out stuff. Made a few of us appreciate that aspect of ourselves more. *grin*

Came back to STM and had more food with a lecturer and his wife. It was a good time of fellowship as well.

All in all - it was a great weekend with lots of food (of course!). hehehhe

*slightly cynical* thoughts

It's been a long week. I've been sleep deprived - my perfectionist tendecies kicked in the last week as I was preparing a sermon for my homiletics class and I ended up having sleep for about 3-4 hours a night. All that said, the sermon went pretty ok yesterday morning (especially after 2 hours of sleep). I was finally satisfied with what I had at 5.30 in the morning. My class was at 9am.

I think I have caught up with my much needed sleep - though the rush back to my church in PJ has taken its toll and I'm rather sleepy at the moment. Am sitting in the main sanc now while waiting for the college group to start. Was rather surprise to see that there's an event in my church. I find it a bit bizzarre actually. There's bunch of musicians and a bunch of ladies (and one or two men!) twirling around on the stage in white and with some poles which is suppose to hold up wings! One of the things that come up in my head as I watch them is that - they should use their energies better to reach out to those who are poor and downtrodden if they can put up so much energy into an event like this.

They've been singing "commune with me" over and over and over and over again in the last 20 minutes - bizarre huh? I guess that I'm a bit cynical - but in view of what I shared for the sermon yesterday and my conversation with a friend after that, it's a bit more understandable I suppose.

I shared about how the Christian life needs to be transformed. My friend agreed with me that our worship and what we do in church would be meaningless otherwise. If we do not walk the ways of Christ, it doesn't matter what we sing, it doesn't matter what we say. We Christians really need to work more on the renewal of our minds. *sigh*

Post Shock

I have a pile of work to do- namely worship related stuff, dorm stuff and preaching preparations. My hands are somewhat shaky as I type this out and my emotions are not quite calm. Am just in a state of post shock.

Had an accident on the way back- a friend was driving. I guess we're both recovering from the image of the motorcyclist flying and hitting the poles. One of the motorcyclist was bleeding rather badly and for a moment I did wonder if he broke anything. It was like from one of the scenes that they have on tv on drive safely campaign - only this time it was real.
By the grace of God, we managed to find a hospital, get advice from some friends and was in the right mind to tell my friend to call her church leaders to ask for help. They were helpful when they arrived at the hospital and thankfully managed to settle amicably.

I thank God that nothing more serious happened- no one broke a limb and stuff like that. My friend's car has a dent and the motorcycle still worked (though the engine was a bit crappy after the incident). I thank God for friends that helped. Thank God for calmness so that I could be a support for my friend on the way back. Thank God that the other two people were not unreasonable, though one of them was a bit of a pain. :P Will probably have a good cry after this - am in no mood to do work. Through it all I am amazed by God's hand over this - for his grace and mercy and his covering.

A short entry

It's assignment period- need I say more? It's the usual cagey feeling that I hate - the feeling of being stuck to the infernal chair when one could be doing other more fun things to do - but such is life I guess. :p There are times when one just have to sit down.

Prayers are definitely coveted at this time.

*sigh* back to the drawing board..

I come to You

I come to You, O Creator of the earth
Acknowledging that you are my Creator

And I am merely your creation
I thank You for breath of life, for each new day
For the blessings, for the joy
For the pain and the trials

I come to You, my blessed Redeemer
I call You Saviour
With a heart that is grateful
For the grace that's been given
For the price that You've paid
I'm in awe that You would choose to love one such as me

I come to You, my Best Friend
You've heard my prayers through the years
Both great and small, both praise and petition
You've always been there through the bad and good
And though friends may forsake me
Though those that I depend on fail me
You alone have always been there

I come to You, Lover of my Soul
Words cannot describe the love that I have for You
You fill the void deep within me
With love that overflows for You alone
I cannot help revel and savour this love you have for me in silence
For words are lost to me in such moments

Psalm 25

Of David.

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

in you I trust, O my God.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

Remember not the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you are good, O LORD.

Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

For the sake of your name, O LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?

He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

He will spend his days in prosperity,

and his descendants will inherit the land.

The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart have multiplied;

free me from my anguish.

Look upon my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.

See how my enemies have increased

and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me;

let me not be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.

May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,

from all their troubles!

********************************************

There is just something about this psalm that just hits me whenever I read it. A part of me can't help but respond in worship...

Assignment time!

• Stressed (from a bit to a lot)
• Bleary
• Very focused on work for spurts of time (depending on when the assignment's due)
• Rather be elsewhere (movies, reading a non-assignment book)
• Library camp out (so that one does not fall asleep in the bed room)
• All nighters
• Try not to get sick
• Sleepy
• Rather be doing something else!
• Listen to music to calm nerves
• Multi-tasking
• End up doing other things at times (like blogging-keke)

Thoughts

"Let go.. trust me..." the still small voice said. "No! I just can't" she yelled, tears of frustration sounded in her voice. "I'll lose everything! My world will fall apart! I cannot let go! Do you understand what you're asking me to do?"

"Trust me and let go.." the still small voice said again "I love you... Do you love me?"
"If you love me, you will obey me."

She was so torn. She was afraid. "What ifs" were running in her mind. A part of her wanted to let go and just trust him - the other part just screamed to hold on. Why did she had to let go? Her world was so happy before. "No. You weren't totally happy. Admit it. A part of you were miserable - only, you hid it well." - the brutal, honest voice in her voiced out. "Let go - who knows where you'll end up. But He's never failed you before right?" "I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what'll happen when I let go. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I'll never find something like it again." "Trust Him..."

"Trust me..." the still small voice spoke to her turbulent heart.

Like a small child, she closed her eyes and slowly, slowly let go - blood dripping from her hands from holding on so tightly.

A few months later
Her world is now different - just as had once she feared. Her hands are scarred somewhat - though healing nicely because of the healing touch of her Father - a reminder of a time past. Yet, a peace that surpasses understanding surrounds her. She's much stronger now that she is no longer bleeding.

"Trust me" a still small voice says to her daily.

"I will, my Father. At least, I'll try. Catch me when I fall ya?" a smile in her voice as she replies.

**********************************

Writer's note: Sometimes I feel as if God asks me to let go of something that I feel will tear my world apart if I do. When I finally do let go, my world does fall apart but somehow my world becomes different in a initially scarily strange way but gradually it becomes beautiful. It is as if He continues to correct my lenses and my perspective of the world around me. He teaches me to 'see' another aspect of Him - it's not just a knowing in my head but a knowing with every part of me as I experience it.

I Thank God...

This week has been an amazing week for me. Attended special lectures that really challenged my world view on a certain topic. It was rather like a whole new world being revealed to me. I thank God for the lecturer as his testimonies have rather challenged me to look at my own life.

I thank God for my friends in the picture above - they are an amazing bunch. We moved past a milestone in the journey of our friendship last week and it was awesome. :) Am glad to have them in my life.

I thank God for the opportunity to catch up with a dear friend today. Have not seen her in a while but am glad that we could do so and that we could be an encouragement to each other through our struggles..

I thank God for a conversation that I had with another friend today. It was just good to just talk. Was encouraged from things that I newly learnt about him.

I thank God for my sis and bro. Was extremely happy that they attended ABS(Adult Bible School) today. Am glad that my sis found it interesting enough that she didn't fall asleep. *grin*

Life's not been exactly a bed roses (it rarely is) - but am continually grateful for the small blessing along the way that help me move on.

Recap of the day

It's been a rather long day. Had classes the WHOLE day. Thank God it was raining and gardening ended up being cancelled. Otherwise I would be really really bushed by now(I spent those hours snoozing in my bed instead).

It's been a good day of learning though. I had Corinthians class - I totally agree with Silvester. I really like the reflection part of the class. Much to think about persecution and the church of Malaysia - how being able to worship freely indeed is a privelege. Also was challenged to think about the song "In Christ alone". About how Paul would probably said that in every suffering (instead of victory) his source of strength and hope was Christ.

Had a ball of a time at Christian Education class too. Always come out of the class feeling very challenged and blown away. Herbert Tan's really a great 'educator' (CE jargon - hehehe). Learnt so much stuff - how we need to re-think of the way we teach in church - that many times when we teach we only adress the cognitive part of man (and neglect the emotional and behavioural aspect). We also did discussions on what's the best way of learning for different groups of ppl - it was really interesting to see how different ppl learn. Also learnt how powerful experiential learning is. Herbert gave the example of how someone who was a spiritual father carried this 40-year-old guy up the stairs(this guy's father never hugged or showed any affection through touch) to show a father's love. His experience helped him to understand what it meant when God said in the OT how He would carry his ppl and sing over them. Definitely some stuff to think about there.

Another thing that was kept on being repeated for today is the importance of the church being relevant to the society and community around them - especially with the current issues. We have been slow to address issues around us and many times sweep the more difficult/sensitive issues under the carpet. That being said, I guess that this is true of me too. I have hardly been reading the newspapers lately. Definitely something to examine and continually work on.

Dear Father,
So much to learn today - help it not just be an intellectual exercise. Rather, please help me to connect it to daily life. I want to glorify You in all I do.

To forgive or not to forgive?

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - William Blake

Thoughts

A close friend wrote today to ask me how I've been doing and I've realised that I've not been posting up anything lately - I blame it totally on the almost non-existent internet connection from the girls dorm. :p (ok ok - partly my laziness also laa)..

Going into the fourth week of semester now - there's the 10 assignments that are practically yelling to be done, one special project (still deciding whether i should take it up), the weekly greek stuff and the weekly weekend practical work. Have also finally taken the step to start driving classes. *grin. I can hear my long time friends saying "FINALLY". Will hopefully finished everything by mid March before things begin to get really crazy here. Also have had my first guitar class - might have to be on hold until i find time to practice :p. Sounds really crazy huh - but am rather having a ball of a time. Sometimes I do feel the pressure of time but am happy as a lark for now.

On a more personal side, I am continually glad for the support of friends who continue to rally around me - who show me not necessarily with words but with actions that they care. These couple of days, I've also been having some conversations with some friends which reminded me of the preciousness and fragility of friendship. I attended a talk on bitterness recently and the speaker from RBC recently said that according to statistics, a person is counted fortunate if they can find 5 good friends in their life. I count myself truly blessed cos I have more than that - I consider them a gift from God(haha - i know i'm starting to go on and on but sometimes words cannot adequately express my gratitude). Things have not necessarily been smooth going - but as another wise and good friend said, it's definitely part of God's way of moulding me.

There is a group of friends that I do truly miss - though I may not say much. They've taught me a lot in the last year and I do miss their friendship but at the same time, I cannot ignore the sense of rightness - that I am where I'm supposed to be now. For a long time, sorrow had outweighed joy. However, I do wish them the best with their spiritual journey - perhaps one day I'll say more about it. For now, I can but quote my friend who has written what resonates in my heart:

"God has to teach me that earthly pleasures can only fulfill in proportion to how much they foreshadow heaven's glory. Our earthly friendships, marred by selfishness and separation, must pale in the face of eternity; the surprise is not that our friendships are this fragile, but that they exist at all, in this world where we so often withdraw into ourselves by sin and pain and the fundamental isolation of simply being human. We grieve the friendships which we lose or pause, but in this short and brutish world we should be joyfully astounded that we shared those brief moments together at all. Every moment in which minds meet is a miracle." -Shern Ren-

In the midst of all these happenings, I'm continually challenged by God in my walk with Him. I struggle to blog down openly the joy and the downs of my relationship with Him. There have been times when I've just sat in a dark corner just crying my heart out for more of Him only to be met with silence. And yet, there have been times of joy and peace that surrounds unexpectedly - sometimes in the unlikeliest of places. Am still working out my relationship with Him - but am learning to appreciate the unexpected from Him and to continually trust him in my journey with Him.

Dear God,
I love you because You first loved me. I seek You because You have first sought me. Thank You....

Rant

Am just bloody angry rite now. I had hoped for better. I guess not. They don't care if innocent people are hurt. The important thing is that they are right. Can someone just shoot me if I become like that.

Prayer answered

As I stop to catch my breath this evening, I realise that I've rather unconciously been involving myself in a frenzy of activity the last few days. Today, went for classes, a movie, rushed back for Anglican chapel service, went out with my girl friends for our first prayer meet for the year, came back and went to visit Silvester's baby (who's really cute!), came back and went out for a drink with some friends. Will definitely need to make myself sit down tomorrow to do my work. :p

Was just doing some reflection something Dr Voon said during the retreat last weekend. She said something along the lines where when God asks us to do something, He will make a way for us. Didn't really realise how much I disbelieved that statement until this evening. Was just sharing with my girl friends (during the above said prayer meet) of what God laid on my heart this year - something I felt was a bit impossible to do on my own (it involved sitting still *gulp!* and waking up early! *double gulp*). While sharing with my friends, I felt what I was called to do rather daunting - I remembered that someone I really respected said that it was just not worth the bother and felt discouraged. Before we went to Silvester's place, another friend, without knowing my dilemma, proposed a solution. I was in a daze for a while - kinda still am. Am having an overwhelming sense of wonder and gratitude to KNOW that He does indeed make a way. I know I'll still have to make the effort (its not a stroll in the park) but am grateful that it's no longer as difficult as I thought it'd be. Thank You God.

To My Brother Sam....

Your existence is very much acknowledged!! *Cheeky Grin*Should have posted this up two months ago.. Love you very much! I've been blessed by your presence in my life.

Beginnings of second year in STM...

Everything and nothing is running through my head. Will attempt to type out something here as I've been promising to myself in the last few days that I should.

Am now back in STM for my second year- I can't believe that I'm now a senior (I think most of us in who are in the second year feels the same way). STM is the same and yet different - I think it's cos of the ppl. Most of my fellow class mates in the same year are back - and it has been awesome to meet up with them again. Of course there are the new students. I've made an extra friend or two - it will be interesting to see where the friendship will lead. One of them is my room mate. I've been blessed with a room mate that I can get along with and is pretty cool with the stuff I do (which I think can be a rather tall order for a person who lives with me - just ask my sis. :p). I've also been appointed dorm leader for my floor and overall for the girls (more like volunteered without permission) - and to think that exactly a year ago I thought "I'd never be a dorm leader - after all I can't speak mandarin". :P So much for thinking that in the first place. I am thankful however, for Lucy and Lan Yin who's on my floor. They've been a great support to me and have helped to take the edge off certain changes in my life back here - I think I'd be moping most of the time otherwise. Other than that, it has been a great pleasure to just sit in the evenings with the baby grand and just play to my heart's content. *happy sigh* I really missed it these last two months.

In my quest for a book on prayer by EM Bounds(recommended by my pastor), my friend and librarian has recommended me some books amongst them are two of Henri Nouwen's and 2 other books on spirituality. Am Currently Reading: "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian McLaren. It has been rather challenging. I have to pause after every chapter to really digest and wrestle with what was written. So am taking my time with it for now. It's been really good.

Overall it's been good to be back. It's not totally a bed of roses - there are some concerns (that's usual I guess) such as if I'd survive the assignments, concerns about friendships, ministry in church, etc... I guess I'll just have to commit it to the Lord and worry less and take it one day as it comes.

Dear Lord,
Please see me through this year. Thank You for the blessings that You've given. Thank You.

Growing up...

I have unexpectedly found myself with some time to blog - have been rushing around the whole day to complete the stuff I've to do before for my meeting with my pastor which is supposed to be now(plus the fact that I've taken a last minute leave to go up to the highlands meant that I have to clear tomorrow's workload too). After having a short lunch break (i ate at my desk after rushing downstairs to pack something at the cafeteria) and rushing around making calls, sending emails, clearing my desk, sending even more email and making it just in time for the supposed meeting at 2.30pm- he's asked for another 45 mins.

So i was thinking - to write a newsletter or blog?? Not exactly in writing-a-newsletter mode, so I here I am..

Last nite, a friend asked me about how I've changed in the last two months .I really hadn't had the time to think much about it. So, as I write this, it's a bit of a reflection time for me.

I've learnt to love the church more
Some people around me somehow get the impression that I look at the world with rose-tinted glasses. Trust me - I don't. I'm perfectly aware of the darker side of humanity and yet, I've learnt a long time ago that it's much better to look at the brighter side of things than to focus on the uglier side (of course sometimes I do overdo it - but am still learning how to balance). So, in the past year, while being in STM and exchanging thoughts with my community about the church - especially its weaknesses - I've come back to my home church to realise that I love the people in it very much despite its many weakness. Sure, it's not easy and there are MANY flaws. However, when one learns to focus on their strengths and to move on from there, you realise that the church is not exactly a totally bleak place- it just isn't perfect and people like you and me are a part of it. How we respond to it is important. Some people just sit and do nothing, some people just make comments and do nothing to change, some people just come on Sundays and go back unaffected... As for me, I've learnt that I need try to change what is within my grasp and as for what I cannot change, I learn to talk to the leaders of the church, commit it to God through prayer, and to try to gripe less.

I've learnt to complain less and to encourage more
Am not exactly at the point that I wish to be but I've come to realise time and time again that criticizing people in the church can cause a lot of pain and unnecessary hurts. A close friend of mine was hurt by certain things that the leaders said (some warranted- but mostly were unfounded). When she was doing well, no one said anything, but now that she doesn't seem to be doing very well, for a host of reasons (not necessarily her doing) negative comments seem to come pouring. I've realised that many times, I myself have not said much words of encouragement in the past year as I struggle with the issues in church. I've learnt that it is very important to do so. As I worked alongside with the children vacation workshop teachers, i was one day led to say "you're doing very well to a teacher". She had been working very hard and was very tired - I could visibly see her lighting up at my comment. It felt funny for me initially and I came to the realisation that I need to speak words of encouragement and to watch my words.

I've learnt to be more intentional
I guess that this is a lesson that I've been learning from my community in the past year. I've learnt that I CAN take breaks in between my work and be more intentional in building relationship with people. Am still learning it. I realise I do have a tendency to be so focused on certain things and neglect my relationship with people (some more than others). I've learnt that I need to include time for other people. I've been blessed by my time with people as I do so and I hope that I'm a blessing to others as I do so. I've learnt that as I do this, I hear stories about how God is working in people's lives or how much they need God in their lives.

Like I told my friend last nite, I've definitely changed. In some areas more than others. Some areas are definitely more visible than others.
However, there are areas in which I hope do not change:
That I would continue to have an attitude that is willing to learn and that I would desire to draw closer to God more and more each day.

Dear God,
Thank You for being with me - through each step, each stumble, each fall, each leap, each run in the past two months. I look forward to learning more this year - through family, friends, church, bible school - people that you bring across my path. Continue to teach me to love you more and to walk the path that you will me to.

A New Year...

A Happy New Year to all who's still faithfully reading my blog. I am encouraged when I hear from friends who tell me that they read my blog despite my lack of entries lately - Thank You. :)

With the flurry of activities in the last month, I realised I have not have had the time to do much journalling - much less blogging. Nevertheless, the last month has been a time of growth and challenge to me as I learn from the different situations that I come across as I do my practicum in my church. These two months have been a good time of learning as I am encouraged to broaden my horizons in different areas. I am looking forward to starting classes in two weeks time and especially to catch up with my friends at STM.

Some highlights of the last two weeks are that my ex-housemate from Australia came back for a visit. While it was a rather brief time with her, it was awfully good to see her again. Hanging out with her is always an eye-opening time. I'm continually reminded about how different life can be outside my comfort zone - how much people hurt and are in need.

My big bro came back for a brief visit from Aussieland too. It was awfully good to catch up with him too as he came back to Malaysia to do his 'pilgrimage'. My time with him brought back many good memories. I feel so blessed that he came here just to visit me and another of his friend. Thanks big bro.

Another highlight is that I spent about another 5-6 days in the highlands. It wasn't as restful as I thought it'd be -especially as there were many people going in and out. I met 3 delightful OA girls - Ina, Julia and Yuzzi - who wanted my family to adopt them at the end of the trip. :) It was the first time I spent Christmas eve at an anglican service - we rushed up to the highlands right after the Christmas musical on Sunday. I was really blessed by the service (though I did wish that they'd sing more carols.. I was especially moved by the sharing of the story of 'O Holy Night"). Early Christmas morn, we were joined by a team of my dad's friends and we headed into the jungle to distribute much needed supplies to those who were in need. That was pretty much what we did for the entire day and it was quite exhausting as we spent most of the day travelling on rather bumpy roads - at one point of time, the 4 wheel drive had to be towed by another truck as it could no longer take it anymore. It initially felt weird but it was a good experience to serve others instead of sitting in the pews of the church on Christmas day. All I can hope is that those that received were blessed by the little that we could give them.
Though I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do, I was thought again what it meant to really give (I certainly did not relish getting up so early - especially after a previously exhausting two weeks). Another day, my dad even made me walk in some really muddy areas just so we could give much needed supplies to another village at one of those areas which he dubs as hard-landing. The ride into the jungle alone can be pretty tiring.

I met another interesting character up in the highlands in my quest for finding internet connection (which I failed cos the internet lines were down due to the earthquake :p). Again, I was reminded how different others lives are from mine. Feel like a 'katak di bawah tempurung' (frog under a coconut shell) whenever I meet people like that - but always a good experience as it challenges my perceptions of life.

As a result of all the stuff that has been going on, I didn't make any New Year's resolution (I remember thinking on 31st during watchnight service - it's the end of the year already??? My body haven't really caught up with my soul yet!!)... Anyways, I'm glad for this new year - to more lessons, to deeper friendships, to new friendships, to challenges, to a closer walk with My Best Friend.