Post Shock

I have a pile of work to do- namely worship related stuff, dorm stuff and preaching preparations. My hands are somewhat shaky as I type this out and my emotions are not quite calm. Am just in a state of post shock.

Had an accident on the way back- a friend was driving. I guess we're both recovering from the image of the motorcyclist flying and hitting the poles. One of the motorcyclist was bleeding rather badly and for a moment I did wonder if he broke anything. It was like from one of the scenes that they have on tv on drive safely campaign - only this time it was real.
By the grace of God, we managed to find a hospital, get advice from some friends and was in the right mind to tell my friend to call her church leaders to ask for help. They were helpful when they arrived at the hospital and thankfully managed to settle amicably.

I thank God that nothing more serious happened- no one broke a limb and stuff like that. My friend's car has a dent and the motorcycle still worked (though the engine was a bit crappy after the incident). I thank God for friends that helped. Thank God for calmness so that I could be a support for my friend on the way back. Thank God that the other two people were not unreasonable, though one of them was a bit of a pain. :P Will probably have a good cry after this - am in no mood to do work. Through it all I am amazed by God's hand over this - for his grace and mercy and his covering.

A short entry

It's assignment period- need I say more? It's the usual cagey feeling that I hate - the feeling of being stuck to the infernal chair when one could be doing other more fun things to do - but such is life I guess. :p There are times when one just have to sit down.

Prayers are definitely coveted at this time.

*sigh* back to the drawing board..

I come to You

I come to You, O Creator of the earth
Acknowledging that you are my Creator

And I am merely your creation
I thank You for breath of life, for each new day
For the blessings, for the joy
For the pain and the trials

I come to You, my blessed Redeemer
I call You Saviour
With a heart that is grateful
For the grace that's been given
For the price that You've paid
I'm in awe that You would choose to love one such as me

I come to You, my Best Friend
You've heard my prayers through the years
Both great and small, both praise and petition
You've always been there through the bad and good
And though friends may forsake me
Though those that I depend on fail me
You alone have always been there

I come to You, Lover of my Soul
Words cannot describe the love that I have for You
You fill the void deep within me
With love that overflows for You alone
I cannot help revel and savour this love you have for me in silence
For words are lost to me in such moments

Psalm 25

Of David.

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

in you I trust, O my God.

Do not let me be put to shame,

nor let my enemies triumph over me.

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame,

but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

Remember not the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,

for you are good, O LORD.

Good and upright is the LORD;

therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right

and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful

for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

For the sake of your name, O LORD,

forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?

He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

He will spend his days in prosperity,

and his descendants will inherit the land.

The LORD confides in those who fear him;

he makes his covenant known to them.

My eyes are ever on the LORD,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

The troubles of my heart have multiplied;

free me from my anguish.

Look upon my affliction and my distress

and take away all my sins.

See how my enemies have increased

and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me;

let me not be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.

May integrity and uprightness protect me,

because my hope is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God,

from all their troubles!

********************************************

There is just something about this psalm that just hits me whenever I read it. A part of me can't help but respond in worship...

Assignment time!

• Stressed (from a bit to a lot)
• Bleary
• Very focused on work for spurts of time (depending on when the assignment's due)
• Rather be elsewhere (movies, reading a non-assignment book)
• Library camp out (so that one does not fall asleep in the bed room)
• All nighters
• Try not to get sick
• Sleepy
• Rather be doing something else!
• Listen to music to calm nerves
• Multi-tasking
• End up doing other things at times (like blogging-keke)

Thoughts

"Let go.. trust me..." the still small voice said. "No! I just can't" she yelled, tears of frustration sounded in her voice. "I'll lose everything! My world will fall apart! I cannot let go! Do you understand what you're asking me to do?"

"Trust me and let go.." the still small voice said again "I love you... Do you love me?"
"If you love me, you will obey me."

She was so torn. She was afraid. "What ifs" were running in her mind. A part of her wanted to let go and just trust him - the other part just screamed to hold on. Why did she had to let go? Her world was so happy before. "No. You weren't totally happy. Admit it. A part of you were miserable - only, you hid it well." - the brutal, honest voice in her voiced out. "Let go - who knows where you'll end up. But He's never failed you before right?" "I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what'll happen when I let go. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I'll never find something like it again." "Trust Him..."

"Trust me..." the still small voice spoke to her turbulent heart.

Like a small child, she closed her eyes and slowly, slowly let go - blood dripping from her hands from holding on so tightly.

A few months later
Her world is now different - just as had once she feared. Her hands are scarred somewhat - though healing nicely because of the healing touch of her Father - a reminder of a time past. Yet, a peace that surpasses understanding surrounds her. She's much stronger now that she is no longer bleeding.

"Trust me" a still small voice says to her daily.

"I will, my Father. At least, I'll try. Catch me when I fall ya?" a smile in her voice as she replies.

**********************************

Writer's note: Sometimes I feel as if God asks me to let go of something that I feel will tear my world apart if I do. When I finally do let go, my world does fall apart but somehow my world becomes different in a initially scarily strange way but gradually it becomes beautiful. It is as if He continues to correct my lenses and my perspective of the world around me. He teaches me to 'see' another aspect of Him - it's not just a knowing in my head but a knowing with every part of me as I experience it.

I Thank God...

This week has been an amazing week for me. Attended special lectures that really challenged my world view on a certain topic. It was rather like a whole new world being revealed to me. I thank God for the lecturer as his testimonies have rather challenged me to look at my own life.

I thank God for my friends in the picture above - they are an amazing bunch. We moved past a milestone in the journey of our friendship last week and it was awesome. :) Am glad to have them in my life.

I thank God for the opportunity to catch up with a dear friend today. Have not seen her in a while but am glad that we could do so and that we could be an encouragement to each other through our struggles..

I thank God for a conversation that I had with another friend today. It was just good to just talk. Was encouraged from things that I newly learnt about him.

I thank God for my sis and bro. Was extremely happy that they attended ABS(Adult Bible School) today. Am glad that my sis found it interesting enough that she didn't fall asleep. *grin*

Life's not been exactly a bed roses (it rarely is) - but am continually grateful for the small blessing along the way that help me move on.

Recap of the day

It's been a rather long day. Had classes the WHOLE day. Thank God it was raining and gardening ended up being cancelled. Otherwise I would be really really bushed by now(I spent those hours snoozing in my bed instead).

It's been a good day of learning though. I had Corinthians class - I totally agree with Silvester. I really like the reflection part of the class. Much to think about persecution and the church of Malaysia - how being able to worship freely indeed is a privelege. Also was challenged to think about the song "In Christ alone". About how Paul would probably said that in every suffering (instead of victory) his source of strength and hope was Christ.

Had a ball of a time at Christian Education class too. Always come out of the class feeling very challenged and blown away. Herbert Tan's really a great 'educator' (CE jargon - hehehe). Learnt so much stuff - how we need to re-think of the way we teach in church - that many times when we teach we only adress the cognitive part of man (and neglect the emotional and behavioural aspect). We also did discussions on what's the best way of learning for different groups of ppl - it was really interesting to see how different ppl learn. Also learnt how powerful experiential learning is. Herbert gave the example of how someone who was a spiritual father carried this 40-year-old guy up the stairs(this guy's father never hugged or showed any affection through touch) to show a father's love. His experience helped him to understand what it meant when God said in the OT how He would carry his ppl and sing over them. Definitely some stuff to think about there.

Another thing that was kept on being repeated for today is the importance of the church being relevant to the society and community around them - especially with the current issues. We have been slow to address issues around us and many times sweep the more difficult/sensitive issues under the carpet. That being said, I guess that this is true of me too. I have hardly been reading the newspapers lately. Definitely something to examine and continually work on.

Dear Father,
So much to learn today - help it not just be an intellectual exercise. Rather, please help me to connect it to daily life. I want to glorify You in all I do.

To forgive or not to forgive?

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - William Blake

Thoughts

A close friend wrote today to ask me how I've been doing and I've realised that I've not been posting up anything lately - I blame it totally on the almost non-existent internet connection from the girls dorm. :p (ok ok - partly my laziness also laa)..

Going into the fourth week of semester now - there's the 10 assignments that are practically yelling to be done, one special project (still deciding whether i should take it up), the weekly greek stuff and the weekly weekend practical work. Have also finally taken the step to start driving classes. *grin. I can hear my long time friends saying "FINALLY". Will hopefully finished everything by mid March before things begin to get really crazy here. Also have had my first guitar class - might have to be on hold until i find time to practice :p. Sounds really crazy huh - but am rather having a ball of a time. Sometimes I do feel the pressure of time but am happy as a lark for now.

On a more personal side, I am continually glad for the support of friends who continue to rally around me - who show me not necessarily with words but with actions that they care. These couple of days, I've also been having some conversations with some friends which reminded me of the preciousness and fragility of friendship. I attended a talk on bitterness recently and the speaker from RBC recently said that according to statistics, a person is counted fortunate if they can find 5 good friends in their life. I count myself truly blessed cos I have more than that - I consider them a gift from God(haha - i know i'm starting to go on and on but sometimes words cannot adequately express my gratitude). Things have not necessarily been smooth going - but as another wise and good friend said, it's definitely part of God's way of moulding me.

There is a group of friends that I do truly miss - though I may not say much. They've taught me a lot in the last year and I do miss their friendship but at the same time, I cannot ignore the sense of rightness - that I am where I'm supposed to be now. For a long time, sorrow had outweighed joy. However, I do wish them the best with their spiritual journey - perhaps one day I'll say more about it. For now, I can but quote my friend who has written what resonates in my heart:

"God has to teach me that earthly pleasures can only fulfill in proportion to how much they foreshadow heaven's glory. Our earthly friendships, marred by selfishness and separation, must pale in the face of eternity; the surprise is not that our friendships are this fragile, but that they exist at all, in this world where we so often withdraw into ourselves by sin and pain and the fundamental isolation of simply being human. We grieve the friendships which we lose or pause, but in this short and brutish world we should be joyfully astounded that we shared those brief moments together at all. Every moment in which minds meet is a miracle." -Shern Ren-

In the midst of all these happenings, I'm continually challenged by God in my walk with Him. I struggle to blog down openly the joy and the downs of my relationship with Him. There have been times when I've just sat in a dark corner just crying my heart out for more of Him only to be met with silence. And yet, there have been times of joy and peace that surrounds unexpectedly - sometimes in the unlikeliest of places. Am still working out my relationship with Him - but am learning to appreciate the unexpected from Him and to continually trust him in my journey with Him.

Dear God,
I love you because You first loved me. I seek You because You have first sought me. Thank You....

Rant

Am just bloody angry rite now. I had hoped for better. I guess not. They don't care if innocent people are hurt. The important thing is that they are right. Can someone just shoot me if I become like that.

Prayer answered

As I stop to catch my breath this evening, I realise that I've rather unconciously been involving myself in a frenzy of activity the last few days. Today, went for classes, a movie, rushed back for Anglican chapel service, went out with my girl friends for our first prayer meet for the year, came back and went to visit Silvester's baby (who's really cute!), came back and went out for a drink with some friends. Will definitely need to make myself sit down tomorrow to do my work. :p

Was just doing some reflection something Dr Voon said during the retreat last weekend. She said something along the lines where when God asks us to do something, He will make a way for us. Didn't really realise how much I disbelieved that statement until this evening. Was just sharing with my girl friends (during the above said prayer meet) of what God laid on my heart this year - something I felt was a bit impossible to do on my own (it involved sitting still *gulp!* and waking up early! *double gulp*). While sharing with my friends, I felt what I was called to do rather daunting - I remembered that someone I really respected said that it was just not worth the bother and felt discouraged. Before we went to Silvester's place, another friend, without knowing my dilemma, proposed a solution. I was in a daze for a while - kinda still am. Am having an overwhelming sense of wonder and gratitude to KNOW that He does indeed make a way. I know I'll still have to make the effort (its not a stroll in the park) but am grateful that it's no longer as difficult as I thought it'd be. Thank You God.

To My Brother Sam....

Your existence is very much acknowledged!! *Cheeky Grin*Should have posted this up two months ago.. Love you very much! I've been blessed by your presence in my life.

Beginnings of second year in STM...

Everything and nothing is running through my head. Will attempt to type out something here as I've been promising to myself in the last few days that I should.

Am now back in STM for my second year- I can't believe that I'm now a senior (I think most of us in who are in the second year feels the same way). STM is the same and yet different - I think it's cos of the ppl. Most of my fellow class mates in the same year are back - and it has been awesome to meet up with them again. Of course there are the new students. I've made an extra friend or two - it will be interesting to see where the friendship will lead. One of them is my room mate. I've been blessed with a room mate that I can get along with and is pretty cool with the stuff I do (which I think can be a rather tall order for a person who lives with me - just ask my sis. :p). I've also been appointed dorm leader for my floor and overall for the girls (more like volunteered without permission) - and to think that exactly a year ago I thought "I'd never be a dorm leader - after all I can't speak mandarin". :P So much for thinking that in the first place. I am thankful however, for Lucy and Lan Yin who's on my floor. They've been a great support to me and have helped to take the edge off certain changes in my life back here - I think I'd be moping most of the time otherwise. Other than that, it has been a great pleasure to just sit in the evenings with the baby grand and just play to my heart's content. *happy sigh* I really missed it these last two months.

In my quest for a book on prayer by EM Bounds(recommended by my pastor), my friend and librarian has recommended me some books amongst them are two of Henri Nouwen's and 2 other books on spirituality. Am Currently Reading: "A New Kind of Christian" by Brian McLaren. It has been rather challenging. I have to pause after every chapter to really digest and wrestle with what was written. So am taking my time with it for now. It's been really good.

Overall it's been good to be back. It's not totally a bed of roses - there are some concerns (that's usual I guess) such as if I'd survive the assignments, concerns about friendships, ministry in church, etc... I guess I'll just have to commit it to the Lord and worry less and take it one day as it comes.

Dear Lord,
Please see me through this year. Thank You for the blessings that You've given. Thank You.

Growing up...

I have unexpectedly found myself with some time to blog - have been rushing around the whole day to complete the stuff I've to do before for my meeting with my pastor which is supposed to be now(plus the fact that I've taken a last minute leave to go up to the highlands meant that I have to clear tomorrow's workload too). After having a short lunch break (i ate at my desk after rushing downstairs to pack something at the cafeteria) and rushing around making calls, sending emails, clearing my desk, sending even more email and making it just in time for the supposed meeting at 2.30pm- he's asked for another 45 mins.

So i was thinking - to write a newsletter or blog?? Not exactly in writing-a-newsletter mode, so I here I am..

Last nite, a friend asked me about how I've changed in the last two months .I really hadn't had the time to think much about it. So, as I write this, it's a bit of a reflection time for me.

I've learnt to love the church more
Some people around me somehow get the impression that I look at the world with rose-tinted glasses. Trust me - I don't. I'm perfectly aware of the darker side of humanity and yet, I've learnt a long time ago that it's much better to look at the brighter side of things than to focus on the uglier side (of course sometimes I do overdo it - but am still learning how to balance). So, in the past year, while being in STM and exchanging thoughts with my community about the church - especially its weaknesses - I've come back to my home church to realise that I love the people in it very much despite its many weakness. Sure, it's not easy and there are MANY flaws. However, when one learns to focus on their strengths and to move on from there, you realise that the church is not exactly a totally bleak place- it just isn't perfect and people like you and me are a part of it. How we respond to it is important. Some people just sit and do nothing, some people just make comments and do nothing to change, some people just come on Sundays and go back unaffected... As for me, I've learnt that I need try to change what is within my grasp and as for what I cannot change, I learn to talk to the leaders of the church, commit it to God through prayer, and to try to gripe less.

I've learnt to complain less and to encourage more
Am not exactly at the point that I wish to be but I've come to realise time and time again that criticizing people in the church can cause a lot of pain and unnecessary hurts. A close friend of mine was hurt by certain things that the leaders said (some warranted- but mostly were unfounded). When she was doing well, no one said anything, but now that she doesn't seem to be doing very well, for a host of reasons (not necessarily her doing) negative comments seem to come pouring. I've realised that many times, I myself have not said much words of encouragement in the past year as I struggle with the issues in church. I've learnt that it is very important to do so. As I worked alongside with the children vacation workshop teachers, i was one day led to say "you're doing very well to a teacher". She had been working very hard and was very tired - I could visibly see her lighting up at my comment. It felt funny for me initially and I came to the realisation that I need to speak words of encouragement and to watch my words.

I've learnt to be more intentional
I guess that this is a lesson that I've been learning from my community in the past year. I've learnt that I CAN take breaks in between my work and be more intentional in building relationship with people. Am still learning it. I realise I do have a tendency to be so focused on certain things and neglect my relationship with people (some more than others). I've learnt that I need to include time for other people. I've been blessed by my time with people as I do so and I hope that I'm a blessing to others as I do so. I've learnt that as I do this, I hear stories about how God is working in people's lives or how much they need God in their lives.

Like I told my friend last nite, I've definitely changed. In some areas more than others. Some areas are definitely more visible than others.
However, there are areas in which I hope do not change:
That I would continue to have an attitude that is willing to learn and that I would desire to draw closer to God more and more each day.

Dear God,
Thank You for being with me - through each step, each stumble, each fall, each leap, each run in the past two months. I look forward to learning more this year - through family, friends, church, bible school - people that you bring across my path. Continue to teach me to love you more and to walk the path that you will me to.

A New Year...

A Happy New Year to all who's still faithfully reading my blog. I am encouraged when I hear from friends who tell me that they read my blog despite my lack of entries lately - Thank You. :)

With the flurry of activities in the last month, I realised I have not have had the time to do much journalling - much less blogging. Nevertheless, the last month has been a time of growth and challenge to me as I learn from the different situations that I come across as I do my practicum in my church. These two months have been a good time of learning as I am encouraged to broaden my horizons in different areas. I am looking forward to starting classes in two weeks time and especially to catch up with my friends at STM.

Some highlights of the last two weeks are that my ex-housemate from Australia came back for a visit. While it was a rather brief time with her, it was awfully good to see her again. Hanging out with her is always an eye-opening time. I'm continually reminded about how different life can be outside my comfort zone - how much people hurt and are in need.

My big bro came back for a brief visit from Aussieland too. It was awfully good to catch up with him too as he came back to Malaysia to do his 'pilgrimage'. My time with him brought back many good memories. I feel so blessed that he came here just to visit me and another of his friend. Thanks big bro.

Another highlight is that I spent about another 5-6 days in the highlands. It wasn't as restful as I thought it'd be -especially as there were many people going in and out. I met 3 delightful OA girls - Ina, Julia and Yuzzi - who wanted my family to adopt them at the end of the trip. :) It was the first time I spent Christmas eve at an anglican service - we rushed up to the highlands right after the Christmas musical on Sunday. I was really blessed by the service (though I did wish that they'd sing more carols.. I was especially moved by the sharing of the story of 'O Holy Night"). Early Christmas morn, we were joined by a team of my dad's friends and we headed into the jungle to distribute much needed supplies to those who were in need. That was pretty much what we did for the entire day and it was quite exhausting as we spent most of the day travelling on rather bumpy roads - at one point of time, the 4 wheel drive had to be towed by another truck as it could no longer take it anymore. It initially felt weird but it was a good experience to serve others instead of sitting in the pews of the church on Christmas day. All I can hope is that those that received were blessed by the little that we could give them.
Though I couldn't do the things that I wanted to do, I was thought again what it meant to really give (I certainly did not relish getting up so early - especially after a previously exhausting two weeks). Another day, my dad even made me walk in some really muddy areas just so we could give much needed supplies to another village at one of those areas which he dubs as hard-landing. The ride into the jungle alone can be pretty tiring.

I met another interesting character up in the highlands in my quest for finding internet connection (which I failed cos the internet lines were down due to the earthquake :p). Again, I was reminded how different others lives are from mine. Feel like a 'katak di bawah tempurung' (frog under a coconut shell) whenever I meet people like that - but always a good experience as it challenges my perceptions of life.

As a result of all the stuff that has been going on, I didn't make any New Year's resolution (I remember thinking on 31st during watchnight service - it's the end of the year already??? My body haven't really caught up with my soul yet!!)... Anyways, I'm glad for this new year - to more lessons, to deeper friendships, to new friendships, to challenges, to a closer walk with My Best Friend.

A lesson to remember...

I seem to be in a blogging mood today - never mind that I still have yet to prepare for worship this Sunday and finish up the songbook within the next two days! (eep!)...

Anyways, I attended prayer meeting tonite and met someone new to the church... She was asking me about Jesus' genealogy in the book of Matthew and Luke. It seemed to be very important to her. My recollections of what I learnt in class seems not to be comprehensive enough... :P I think I should try to remember more from classes next semester no matter how trivial the facts may be to me..

To my STM friends...

I have been catching up with quite a few friends from STM today - in between work today... As I catch up with them, I realise how much I miss being them. Being busy has helped somewhat... Sure - I've been learning a lot back here in my home church (I preached my first sermon today - it was a nerve wrecking experience but not as bad as I thought it was going to be) and am growing in my walk, but I do miss their friendship and support. I am grateful for friends here but everyone seems so busy and it's hard for me to share what troubles me in what I see for fear of being misunderstood. If not for my pastor, I think it would be a lot worse - but he is around and I am thankful for him.

So, to my STM friends, I am thinking of you. Know that you are being missed by a friend.. I look forward to seeing you guys again in January! In the meantime, I am praying for you guys and hope that you all are doing well at your practical churches. Take care...

Children's Vacation Workshop 2006 experience...

I find myself with quite a bit of time to kill before I adjourn to the highlands with my mum - and have decided to blog at the staircase of the church while waiting for her.. I'm looking forward to having a break after these last three days of being practically on my feet from morning till evening and with around 250 kids running around (can you just imagine the chaos :p)...

My eyes are drooping, my ears are ringing (from the screams and the noise), my stomach's crying out for food (it only had roti telur since), my brain's telling me that it wants to shut off cos of the lack of sleep (I woke up at 6 - I don't even wake up this early at stm!! :p)... Thankfully my headache has abated somewhat...

Since the beginning of last month, as part of stm's practical assignment, I've been asked by the church to help out with the children's programme. Apart from observing and evaluating the ministry, I was required to handle the practical arrangements and logistics from the workshop. The workshop experience included a sleep over, outing to Dominoes, Explorace (station games from room to room), telematch, BBQ and talentime, baking, knowing about pets session, christmas story telling and a whole lot of activities packed into 2 and a half days for the children. *phew*

After spending time with the children, a few things came to mind - children, while without guile, reflect their parents actions. If a child behaved in a certain way, it was very telling of how their parents were... While quite of few of us would object to being placed in a box this way - try spending time more time with kids and you'll really see what I mean.. While at times it's quite hilarious, many times it's been rather alarming... Sometimes, what the parents may do in gest or unthinkingly are taken on by the children and have long term impact.

This experience taught me one thing - it will be a while before i have my own kids (if ever)... In the meantime, I'm still a work in progress. :)

Sermon Struggle

Am preparing for a sermon on Romans 5:1-11 and it's been a struggle. I have been working on and off (admittedly, more off than on) on the passage for the last two-three weeks and feel that I am going nowhere. The passage seems basic and yet deep and I struggle to articulate what's on my mind and heart.

This evening, I bounced some reflective ideas with someone that I highly respect. The feedback that I received was that I'm in danger of being too academic and irrelevant. *groan* My greatest fear coming to life!!! :p On a more positive note, I did manage to find ONE good material that relates to the passage... Yipee Yay!

Happy Birthday Dan!

Hey Dan..
Just want to wish you a very Happy and Blessed Birthday!

You are one of the finest friend a person can have... Thanks for being a good friend to me this past year. I've been truly blessed by your friendship.

God Bless.

Ramblings

I find myself 'stoning' in front of the computer... So, after a few minutes, when my brain cells started kicking in again, I decided 'why not blog?'...
Things here are picking up - it seems to be going from slow to fast to faster. It's around 4.30 now and I've absolutely spent most of my focus today getting stuff done for the Children Vacation Workshop. My eyes are feeling droopy and my brain is generally protesting for a rest. I 've been so engrossed in my work that I totally forgot to call one of my friend to say good bye.. *sigh*... That 10 minutes(in which i was supposed to call him) turned to 2 hours before I realised how much time flew away. *sigh*...

Despite my complaint, I do love being back and the change of pace. I have quite a few roles at the moment- Christmas Musical director, help out with Christmas service, Cross Gen committtee, Camp Commandant for Children's Vacation Workshop, prepare for my sermon (includes exegesis) to the church staff *gulp*and my current role as Worship Coordinator. As I've informed one of my friends online, at least when I get bored with one job, I can change to another I get back to it after.

I find myself generally getting tired out at the end of the day.. When I get back, if I have no guests for dinner or no meetings, I just do the chores and play with my dogs and just savour the evening with my mum by talking or watching tv with her.

Other than all that, I've been bombarded with lots of thoughts as I go back to working in the church office. When I win the struggle with the lack of time, I'll try to blog down my reflections (I've attempted starting an entry or two but only got as far as the title - the window was left open for the rest of the day but just couldn't get any further. also, as it is, keeping a certain 20 minutes of solitude in the morning is already an uphill battle many times - I have to constantly remind myself that the work can wait and the emails that need to be read won't multiply by a hundred if i don't check it then and there). :P

That being said, I'm glad to be home - I love times with my family, I love playing with my dogs in the evening, I am glad to slowly connect back with my friends here (though I do feel the absence of my STM friends greatly at times - I look forward to seeing them again in 7 weeks or so)....

Ok... It's time to stop rambling and get back to the pile of work (which I'll see through by the grace of God)..

Happy Birthday Sis!

To My Dear Sis,

A Very Blessed Birthday to you!!! I hope this day will be a special one for you (though you're having your exams shortly).

I'm blessed to have you in my life as my sis and I love you very much!!

A B-day Prayer

Dear Creator, Father and Friend,
Thank You for this day- for creating me on this day so many years ago. Thank You for the gift of life.
Thank You for always being there -especially during the many times when I've desperately needed You. Thank You for Your love, guidance and assurance along my journey in life. I love You more than I could ever express.

Thank You so much for loving parents who have brought me up in Your ways - I don't know what I'd do without them. I've been especially blessed to have them and my siblings in my life as You've used them to mould me and refine me in so many areas of my life. They've been my conscience, my safety net and my companions in my journey of life. Thank You for the joy and the sorrow that shared in the past years.

Thank You too for the many people who You've placed in my life. Thank You especially for many great and wonderful friends who You've placed in my life throughout my journey thus far. I've learnt so much about You through them. They've enriched my life in many ways and I am who I am today because of them. They have been great blessings in my life as they show me different facets of You. I've learnt to treasure each one of them just because....

Thank You for the bad in my life - though I've hated them at the time, I now see that though it was painful and sad at times, I am the better for it. And even if I'm not, they teach me that I need You more and more and not to depend on myself.

Thank You for the many blessings in my life - for the many lessons taught. I've learnt to treasure each moment because they are a gift from You. I look back and I see that I've come so far. I look ahead and there's lots more to go and I thank You that You're going to be with me each and every step. I look forward to the coming year and the adventure with You that's ahead.

Your beloved child,
Ruth

Being back in the church office

This week has been a time of adjustment back to the church office. In the past week, some STM close friends stayed over, I attended a wedding and an ordination service - all which means that I'm still seeing STM people - which have made the transition of being home more bearable. I do miss people at STM(especially my close friends) quite a bit.

Being back at the office means busy-ness. Have just been given a list of assignments (on top of the ones that I've set for myself previously) and am closed to being overwhelmed. I expected lots of work but somehow, just not this much! *groan* Anyways, I'm sure once the momentum gets going, it should be cope-able.

Though things don't seem to have changed much in the office, I realise more and more that I've changed in the past year - especially in the way that I view church. I do see things that contradicts what I've come to believe and I struggle with those issues. "What do I do?" is foremost in my mind. I'm concerned of sounding overly critical and being misunderstood. I'm also concerned that I give wrong advise as I am still in the process of working out the issues. Just because others think that you are a Bible Seminary student, they tend to assume you have THE answers and that is somewhat daunting.

Well these are my thoughts thus far. I do hope to blog more often on my journey as I do my practical in church. I'm sure I'll have a fair bit of material as I try to apply what I've learnt in and out of classes in STM this year.

The fragility of life

Tears streamed down her weathered brown cheeks. The aura of sadness that surrounded her touched those who gathered around. Thoughts raced through her confused and grief filled mind. What made today different from tomorrow? The sun still shone, the birds still sang, mist still shrouded the surrounding mountains. And yet… he will never come back again. Where has he gone? Will I ever see him again one day? What will happen to my children? What will they do without their father? How will I feed their constantly hungry bellies in the meantime? Oh – what do I do now? Why has this happened to us – isn’t life already hard enough?
Darkness waited at the edges of her thoughts – waiting to drown her in oblivion.

Around her in the already cramped hut she called home, the villagers gathered – consoling her the best way they knew how. Some offered their condolences, some prayed, some rubbed her hands to sooth her and others just sat –sharing her grief with her through the silence.

In the next room, other villagers gathered. A body wrapped in cloth lay in the center of the room (as the family was too poor to afford a coffin). Life seems so fragile. Just earlier that morning, that same body was filled with breath of life. He went with his little son to build a long promised chicken coop for the family and suddenly, a huge rotten tree branch fell on him. With his 6 year old son overlooking and a last cry from him, he died – pinned down by its heavy branches.

Where oh soul have you gone? How does one console your widow? What will happen to your family? Where oh God were you in all this? Did you permit this to happen? Has he gone back to you – though he only desired to know you but was held back by something? Where, how, why, what – so many questions remain unanswered….


* On Monday when I visited an OA village. That morning, the head of the family passed away tragically as a rotting tree gave way and fell on him. I wrote this as a reflection of what I saw when my family went to visit the family of the deceased.

1st Year at Seminary's over!

Wow - the last 10 months has flown very quickly. My first academic year at Bible Seminary has come to an end. It's been a great 10 months of learning - despite its many struggles. The journey has been an awesome one. I continually thank God for good friends along the way who have held me up in those difficult times especially who have helped me through the many times when I've wondered if I'd make it. They have been amazing. I'm truly blessed to know and have them them in my life.

As I look back, I am continually amazed to see where I've gone in my journey in the past year in Bible Seminary. I am thankful for what I've learnt in my struggles as I continue to grow in my faith journey. There's still much to learn and so much growing to do but I'll leave that to God and take one thing at a time.

I'm now glad to be back in the church office for the next two months and work out what I've learnt in seminary. Though lots of work are piling and lots of things are ahead - I'm rather glad of the break from studies.

The gap between should be's and what is

I find myself struggling with what I should be and reality.
- I should be finished with my assignments by now but I have two left
- I should talk with several friends but I just can't at the moment
- I should be well (after all, I've been drinking water and resting a lot) but I seem to more worse off than two days ago
- I should be more of a blessing to others instead of thinking of my struggles but that's so far off in reality
- I should be seeking God's favour instead of man but I find myself failing so often
- I should be strong yet I find that I am weak
- I should read more, grow more and stay on top of things but am just helpless to do so

The struggle continues and wears me out sometimes but I am reminded that I need depend on Him more and more.

Somedays I ask...

Some days I ask, what on earth am I doing here?
- when the need is great and there is not enough help.
Though I may not be able to save the world, I can reach out to at least one.

Some days I ask, will I ever be ready for the work ahead?
- when the head knowledge surpasses heart knowledge.
I struggle with doing the things that I know I should do
and do things that I know I shouldn't.

Some days I ask, with all I know, what can I do?
- when I am but a small pawn compared to the giants who makes the decisions.

I ask these questions and wonder, not having answers..
And yet, I can but put my trust in You - in Your plans and will for me.

In my weakness

Be my strength..
I am so weak..

Moving on...

A thought just came to me while I was doing my assignment:
It's just funny how you can go on without certain things that you previously thought of as essential to your existence/things that will enable you to move on.

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to


*******************************************
Doing my church work, assignments, reflection of this semester and listening to music at almost the same time (I hear Dan's voice in my head telling me to 'focus'! *grin*).. This song above just really ministered to me once again - so apt in view of my journey thus far.

Awesome Pastorate Group Mission Trip

Salty drops of sweat dripped unheeded down their brow. Their hands were too busy shovelling, hoeing, carrying dirt, mixing and cementing to pay heed. Eventually, their bodies and shirt were drenched with sweat and covered with a layer of dirt. Specks of dust rested on their hair. Arms and feet that were unused to hard labour ached. The smell of freshly dug soil blended with the cool fresh air. The air was filled with a mix of the sound of laughter, the sound of voices as stories were shared, the sound of the hammer banging, birds chirping, monkeys chattering, music blaring from the radio and the clucks of chicken who could be seen pecking at fat juicy worms that have been disturbed from their hiding place due to the digging of the earth. There was a sense of wonder, contentment and peace as they laboured together....




************************************************

Am back from mission trip!! Above is a short description of our experience as my pastorate group worked alongside with a team from Doulos on a building project in the jungle- in the midst of nature. My arms, legs and back are totally aching (it was really funny - cos everyone in my group groaned whenever we stood up or sat down today- climbing staircases was an ordeal too) and one side of my right leg is swollen cos of an insect bite. :P Nevertheless, the past few days has been a totally awesome experience... (photos here)

My amazing pastorate group Kirubai (Grace) members.


I've learnt so much about my pastorate group members and got to see a totally different side of them- this trip seems to have brought out the best in them. Somehow, before this trip, though we met only once a week, the ice was still unbroken. Once we picked up shovels and cangkul on Monday when we arrived at the village, the ice broke in a very big way as we worked together.

My respect for one my pastorate group members - Moses- has gone up by many notches.. He could still play volleyball when we got back!!! It was just amazing especially he since he carried several bags of 50kilos bags of cement down the steep hill and he weighs less than that(I kid you not!) ... As a comparison, it took the other 4 guys(Anthony Ho, Chris Dali, Takeshi and Lim) to carry ONE bag down the hill. To hear their story, it was very hillarious. We were laughing till we cried during our group sharing last nite.

As for Takeshi and Vicky - they were real troupers. Working hard doing whatever that needs to be done. Takeshi seemed to be all over the place - accomplishing whatever he did efficiently and enthusiastically (he broke 2 shovel handles in the process-the look on his face was just priceless. Pastor joked about how the shovels were not Japanese made and therefore inferior to Takeshi's expectations. Lol).. Vicky was always so smiley - no matter how tired or tough things got. She was even smiling when we were carrying all the heavy materials down the hill. The rest of us were all busy looking serious - trying to concentrate on carrying our stuff and worrying about not falling down the steep slope at the same time. We were also a bit worried about the imminent rain wetting the cement bags.

Had a glimpse of another side of Anthony and Maryanne. They were quiet - but chipped in in whatever they could help out with. It was the same with Chris and Lim. Even Pastor Joseph was just simply amazing. He could have complained that he was old and took a step back. Instead, he was in the middle of everything we did. He was one of the first to grab hold of the shovel and started shovelling and clearing the area for the church that we were building. Yesterday, he and some of the guys worked into digging a 4 feet deep hole to build a toilet. They worked really hard at it and it took them hours to complete the task. They were really wiped out at the end of it. No one could walk a straight line due to exhaustion at the end of the day.

I was really proud of my group. They put in everything they had. Even the Doulos team that was with us were just amazed at the things everyone accomplished.

Sharing lives
I especially loved the sharing of lives and sharing of stories. From Uncle Brian (a family friend and someone partnering with dad in ministry), we heard stories of the struggles of the OAs and the challenges of the ministry.

I've learnt so much more about my pastorate group members too, about their backgrounds, their struggles and their dreams.

I loved hanging out with the Doulos team. There were six of them. SK from Korea, Daniel from Switzerland (leader of the team and a former postman), BJ from Norway (she's a carpenter and just such an encouragement to everyone), Caroline from USA (She worked alongside with my bro in the Book Ex on the ship), Nyree (from Melbourne, Australia and a teacher on the ship) and Kotie (She's from South Africa and is a teacher on the ship. She's also the youngest member in the team).. I was really blessed as I sat down with them to hear their stories and their struggles as they serve on board the ship.


Memorable moments

• Sharing from Lim about how he saw another side to Camerons - and how he was just really challenged. His sharing brought tears to our eyes.
• The spontaneous reading of the Bible to encourage one another in the open air
• How everyone worked together in unity despite differences in race, culture and gender
• Our sharing of meals together. During lunch, though everyone was covered in grime and there was dust everywhere, we were really thankful for the simple fare and we shared our meagre food with one another.
• Sharing of stories
• Today's trip to the organic farm and meeting uncle Fang. He's such a philosophical farmer. Though not a Christian, his sharing was a challenge to us in our faith. Learning about the workings of the farm was pretty wonderful too.
• Praying together for a sick elderly OA lady. There were tears in her eyes as we prayed though I remember feeling so helpless and wished we could do more for her.

It was such an exciting time that I almost forgot about Greek test (till Moses reminded me last nite). *grin* I missed my closest friends in STM though - wished that they could be there too. Maybe next time.

Thank you God for these past few days. You've taught me so many new things. Thank You for reminding me of the things you have placed in my heart that I've forgotten. Though the last 3 days it's been so packed with stuff and the time has been so short, it's been really amazing! You are just so amazing. Thank You, thank You, thank You!!!

Travelling Week

Whoa... This week's been one of zipping here, there and everywhere(*grin*)... Here's my itinerary since last Wednesday..


Wednesday nite: Seremban->KL->Seremban - High Praise and go back to STM
Friday: Seremban -> JB - Friend's Wedding
Saturday: JB -> PJ - Go back to attend church 40th anniversary
Sunday: PJ -> Malacca -> Seremban - Go back to STM (before that go to Malacca to visit mum's friend)
Monday: Seremban -> Camerons - Go for pastorate group mission trip
Wednesday: Camerons -> Seremban - Head back to STM

It's Sunday and I'm now back in Seremban. The travelling has been tiring but it's been fun in it's own way. Reminds me of the good old days when my family used to travel all over Malaysia during the hols. *contented tired grin*

Happy 40th Birthday - PJEFC

Have been busy these past few weeks as my church gears up for our 40th anniversary celebration this Sunday. I had an awesome time last nite (wednesday nite) as both young and old gathered for High Praise(extended worship) and prayer that lasted from 8pm till 12midnite. It was held as part and parcel of the anniversary celebration. It was also just wonderful to see everyone rallying together during the High Praise to pray for Uncle Sam's well being as he undergoes tests and surgery.

Other than that, just thought to come out from my blog hibernation and 'pen down' some thoughts about my church.

I've been in PJEFC since I was a little girl of 8 years old. I've grown up with the church... I remember being scared of going to a new Sunday school(I think I even cried) - but I remember uncle Yee Khiam who was very welcoming and very funny and I eventually felt at home in Sunday School... When I was in my teens, I went through rough patches and I remember that I loved going to church - it seemed like a place of refuge when things seemed tough at home. I remember that I just loved being in the sanctuary and just playing on the grand piano on Saturdays when no one was around. Uncles and Aunties and friends seem to comfort me and they always seemed more like family. I remember me and my best friend, Myra talking about how we loved being in church and that it felt weird when we missed being there on a Sunday- even if we were away on holidays. It seems like my life have very much been intertwined with PJEFC.

When I think of PJEFC, I don't just think about the building. Many faces comes to mind - people whom I have grown up with and have journeyed with me in my faith; people who have laughed and cried with me; people who have helped me and supported me whenever I was at crossroads; people who I knew cared for me the best they knew how despite not understanding where I came from sometimes; people whom God has used and moulded me to be who I am today; people who have been an example of Christ to me in certain areas of my life. Many have come and gone through the doors of the church. PJEFC is not exactly a 'perfect church' and there are many flaws and still so many things to work through. There have been times when we wondered if the church would make it through certain situations. There have been times when I and many within the church have contemplated moving on to other chruches. When I think about certain periods, despite our flaws and where many churches would have ceased to function, by God's grace, we have come through those times and seem to flourish even more. It's just amazing... We never expected or planned to be where we are today. We acknowledge that it's only by God's grace that we are where we are.

Happy 40th Birthday PJEFC! May God's blessing be upon You and see You through another 40 years! Thank You for all the memories. Thank You God for PJEFC. :)

Hibernation

*yawn*
*stretch*
*open one eye*
*groan*
*close eye*
*yawn*
*making zzzs...*

Trying to wake up from my blogging hibernation... I think I'll sleep a little longer and wake up another day.

Blogging break

I'm taking a break from blogging for now. I find myself starting several entries halfway and somehow not completing them -partly because of terrible connection. Have also been feeling tired more often this week. Hopefully next week will be better. Thanks to those who have been encouraging me to blog. Do continue to have patience with me.

Broken pieces...

"Crash!"
She rushed into the living room. Oreos looked at her, his face looked guilty, his tail drooped. Next to him, her precious vase lay broken. She felt dismayed at the lost of the vase- not because it was costly - but because it was of great sentimental value to her. Though it was not much to look at, it was the only legacy left to her by her grandmother who passed away a long time ago. Heartbroken and still somewhat in shock, unthinkingly, she picked up a piece of the shattered pottery. A sharp pain shot through her hand - blood flowed from where the broken pottery had cut it.

As she looked at the piece in her hand and then at the rest on the floor, an idea came to her, perhaps she could somehow glue back the pieces together. To her, the time and the effort would be worth it - she loved the vase because of she loved her grandmother greatly and it represented what was left of her grandmother's memory.

As she tried putting the pieces together, the broken pieces cut her fingers. Her fingers hurt. Droplets of blood dripped, staining the broken pieces of the vase. Unbiddingly, images came into her mind as she looked at it. Memories of the past washed through her. Her life had been one of brokeness too. Many times, when the past came back to haunt her, she felt her life had been broken just like the fragmented bits before her.

When those who loved her have tried to help her, because of what she was, she hurt those who try to help her - just like when she tried to put together the pieces of the broken vase. Just as she tried to piece the vase together out of love for her grandmother, they tried to fix her together again out of love for the Father and for her.

As she continued in her train of thought, her fingers throbbing, she wondered if she should continue fixing the vase and it if would be worth it - after all, it'll never be the same again. The thought came to her, would those who are helping her in turn stop helping her? Would they continue to love her even though she hurt them? After all, what use was she when she was only a piece of broken clay - never sure if she would ever be whole again....

Disconcerting

It's been a rather disconcerting day - one where I feel that I've been going through the motions and yet feel I'm going nowhere and accomplished nothing... Weird...

Rest

Thank You for this day of rest...
Thank You for dreams...
Thank You for friends and family...
Thank You for providence...
Thank You for music - an expression of the soul...
Thank You for Your love...
Thank You...

My Dream

I've been confronted with my dream again
How I long for its fulfillment
So many years have passed since the dream began
Never completely fading

Each year the question arises, is it time?
When will it happen?

There is a sense of gnawing deep within
A sense of expectation mingled with a little fear
Will the dream ever come true?
Will I be too old when it happens?
Will it meet my expectations?
Will I miss the opportunity?
Will the opportunity even come?

I don't have all the answers
Only He knows
But I yearn
I yearn and hope for the day
Where I will live out my dream
The dream that He has placed in me from long, long ago...

Thought

I feel like the stupidest person on this earth right now...

A letter to my beloved friends

Though it's like 3 am in the morning now - and I can hear cheering from the room where some gung-ho STM people are watching football - and there's picnic, Doulos outing and MBS visitation at 9, I feel a need to blog this entry (in view of what I went through in the past week)...

I think my rough period has passed (hopefully completely *cross fingers*)... Lots of my thoughts have been sorted out and am feeling almost 'myself' again...

THANK YOU
I want to thank God for these people in my life who's especially seen me through this time (hahah - this seems like a credit of some sort, but I've learnt over and over again that there is a lack of affirmation and much criticism.... In view of how terrible the last week was to me, I'm truly grateful for you guys):
Gerrad: Your sms-es and words of comfort have encouraged me and I thank you heaps...
Silvester, Doulos, Jacob and Lucy: for being yourselves around me in this time (whether or not you know what I've been going through), you guys bring joy to me -in my darkest hours, I could smile because of you...
Lee Yng: For your prayers and your concern for me
My family: I think you guys were clueless about what was going on - I just seemed tired all the time to you - but you being my family and being there helped me be where I am today (the ice cream at BR, the family sharing and just being together helped me to regain my perspective) you guys are more important to me than you'll ever know.... Thank you for loving me...

Vanessa: Thanks for your concern and your little hugs.. :)

Victor: Though you were only around for a night, it was good having that short chat with you... Miss you more than I thought I would- value your presence and your advice very much...
My room mate: for our talks, though you prolly will never read this, ironically, my being in the room more often made us closer friends and has been my brightest spot last week... I appreciated our sharing.... You being the room helped me somewhat from going too insane and perhaps crying too much...
Shermie: For not pushing it and giving me much space..
Especially to Dan: For your constant SMS-es which came at the darkest periods (especially when I was alone in my room). For constantly checking up on me - I told you d - it helped a lot knowing that you cared and 'felt' what I was going through...

Thanks guys for being great friends and family to me... I am blessed to have you in my life- to know that despite my darkest hours and moods, you guys still love and accept me... It means a whole lot to me... Love you guys very much...

SORRY
I am so so soooooo SORRY - to the person who I wrote the previous entry about.... If you guessed it right and thought it was you... Am so sorry for hurting you... Please forgive me... There was NO EXCUSE for what I wrote...

Jumbled...

I hate stupid insensitive inconsiderate people. I'll prolly regret saying this but at the moment I am just feeling downright irritated at being robbed of my 'thinking time' by a somewhat insensitive lout. Very uncharitable thoughts are in my mind and feel like cursing(Shocker - I know - It just is an indication of the unstableness fo my mind).. Am already worried that I'll say or do things that hurt people I love in this time - so please understand if I keep a distance from or avoid you...

Just when I was feeling better last nite(was almost my normal self - I think having my family around me helped... and Ice Cream too!), this morning I am assailed by a fresh new case of 'the blues'. Not as bad as the last few days but I'm sure there's melancholy lingering in my eyes... Thought I'd been able to hide it in the past week - but apparently it's been obvious to close friends. Being an open book has its disadvantages... I want to go home and just hide in my bed. *sigh* but I guess I'm going to have to survive today one step at a time again.

I hope this storm blows over soon, if not, I'll need strength from Him. I feel so tired and just want to sleep all the time...

He will carry me

Today has been slightly better...

Have been listening to this song and it speaks to a part deep within..
Am reminded again though I may not 'feel' it at the moment, He will carry me...
I see a glimmer of light...

HE WILL CARRY ME - Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

CHORUS
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

BRIDGE
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

Melancholic thoughts

Warning: Read the following at your own peril - skip it if you want to remain in a cheerful disposition.







Melancholy has become my cloak
One that is not easily shrugged off
Where it first felt awkward
It's beginning to be tolerated

There's a sense of disturbing calmness
A calm before a storm
A painful numbness
Oh for blissful joy -if only for a while
Yet happiness eludes just when you thought you've grasped it

In company, laughter may be heard
Though deep inside the sadness lurks
Hiding behind every smile
Waiting to smother when one is alone

Oh for days that was once full of colour
Now it just seems mostly bleak and gray
Maybe things won't ever be the same
Maybe I need to get used to the gray-ness
And see the colour in it

Are You there?
You seem so far away
I seek You but cannot seem to find You
I call - again and again
There is silence

Just when I feel that I cannot take it anymore
I feel a fleeting comforting touch from You
If only to preserve my sanity

My heart cries and longs for more than that
It feels like a withering leaf
Parched and dry
A haunting thought prevails - do You love me???
I KNOW in my head and through experience that Your love for me is real
But I need to feel Your love to envelope me once again
Instead of this discomfiting forlornness
How will I make it through tomorrow otherwise?
I dread another today

Author's note: Went to theology class today and was reminded by people who are suffering and persecution for their faith in China. In view of this, what is written above may seem shallow.... But it does not make it less real to me..

Lost-ness

I must confess to be rather disturbed by a comment a friend made today. Am strongly reminded again of how my perception of me differs from those around me. It was as if they were talking about someone else- and yet, I wonder if there was any basis for the conclusions as it was apparently agreed by a few people(granted, it was not formed by those close to me but it still rankled). Perhaps I'm letting the remark bother more than it should. But I guess it isn't surprising under the circumstances - don't quite seem to be myself...

There seems to be a sense of uncertainty and just 'lost'ness. I can't quite put my finger on it but it something seems to be just not right. Sadness lurks beneath the surface - not the bleak kind - but just... sadness.... It seems to be easier to shake off during the day but it returns when I'm alone with my thoughts. My own company seems to be unsatisfactory and yet the thought of choosing to be with people in a group is rather disagreeable at the moment... *sigh* Talk about being idiotic...

Well, at least I have something to look forward to tomorrow evening....

Blurting out my thoughts

It is rather annoying that when you have so many ideas in your head - there is no computer around to blog. What is also annoying is when you do finally sit down in front of the computer to blog, your mind becomes quite blank. Worse - you know that the thoughts you currently have to blog are far inferior to the ones that you thought about when you did not have the computer and those 'superior' thoughts just eludes you! *sigh*
I guess that I'll just have to make do with my current sub-standard thoughts and hopefully, the 'superior' thoughts will come back while blogging *grimace*.

It's been a long weekend - am facing the fact of the amount of work that I have to do for church.. I've been trying to take it easy and cut my work load. But I'm again faced with the fact that I have to work really hard for something that I'd really like to do - such as attending OM Teenstreet 2006. I really really really hope that my church leaders will let me go for that week. I'm excited about the stuff that's already started for TeenStreet 2006- the availability of a seemingly impossible venue has been one of the greatest barrier that has been overcome and it is only June! 6 more months to TeenStreet!!!

On another note, though tiring, it's been a rather good weekend. I've had opportunities to connect with people and to build friendships. It started with yesterday morning when I auditioned a form one guy for drums. Made conversations with another friend who I've not talked to for a while during lunch and it was really good. Got to talking with one of a long time worship singer and just shared struggles with work and studies. Also talked to another form 5 girl about SPM and about life in the afternoon as well. Also managed to catch up with a fellow worship leader and just to find out what's going on in his life. Then caught up with my dad - who was surprisingly at home instead of Camerons.

This morning, I caught up(very briefly) with another friend who's headed to the mission field for the next month, then made conversations with someone I made friends with 10 years ago but have left the church after he married. It was good to meet up with him again. Got to talking with another worship leader and with DT and catching up with her as well. Am also contemplating taking some vocal lessons from her. Oh well - that's still in contemplation stage. Last but not least, I caught up with 3 other of my service team mates from OM Teenstreet during our reunion this afternoon. We had a great time of catching up with one another - what's going on in each other's lives -alongside with food and drinks. It was great to see Foo Seng and Jin Ai and their 2 month old baby. It was great to see the Val and Ken and Pari too and just to have fellowship with them and to share life stories.

*phew*.... I'm glad I finally finished this entry. It's been a rather long day and i'm just tired d. Another long day ahead tomorrow too. :P

Dear God,
Thank you for friendships and all the people you've placed in my life. Thank you for the restful sleep that i'm about to partake. Good nite...

Spirit to catch up with my body

"We are giving time for our spirits to catch up with our bodies." - saying by Indian guides.

I was reminded of this phrase just yesterday when I came across it in an online journal. I first heard this when I attended a conference at Ps Elisha's church some time ago.

How apt this phrase is for me at the moment! It's been a long week of morning, afternoon and evening of Old Testament Intro. The classes are good - but it still feels like it's been a loooonnnnnggg week... Feel like my spirit really needs to catch up with my body! There's just so much that needs to be absorbed and to go through though. Classes officially starts next week and I foresee taking a week or two to really settle down... So much for my initial plans - am reminded of another saying - "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry". :)

Oh God - help me to continually lean on You and not go ahead of You.

OT intro

Classes has officially started today (Yesterday was 'quiet day' where someone came to speak and we were supposed to do reflections).

As our lecturer for Old Testament Introduction has been sick and our replacement lecturer is due overseas next week, we are having intensive replacement class for the subject before he leaves. This morning we studied the great ancient civilizations - the Egyptian, Aramean and Assyrian civilization. It has been a rather fascinating to learn about the context of Israel in the light of these civilizations. What has struck me the most is God's timing and how God placed Israel where it was - it was just amazing to see the Old Testament within the bigger picture. I think I will never quite read OT the same way ever again. And I now understand a little bit more about God being - the Lord of hosts.

Night before the start of second semester at STM

Current feeling: Contented
Currently listening to: When You Believe (Prince of Egypt)

Am back in my room in STM. It's just absolutely fantastic to be back. Good to see faces that I didn't realised that I missed in the past four weeks.. In the girls dorm, everyone is just welcoming everyone back- it's nice.
Have looked at the timetable for the next week - it looks horrendously busy... So much for my plans to go out for a movie. *sigh* It'll have to be postponed for now. Nevertheless, I am anticipating the new semester and wondering at what I'm going to learn - just can't wait (I'll prolly regret saying this when the assignments start)!!!!! Am just savouring the moment.*contented sigh*



Dear God,
Thank You for Your blessings - for putting me here in STM to study and grow. Most of all, thank You for the blessing of friends around me and ppl in STM community.

Happy Belated Birthday Sherman!

I know that this post comes a day late, but some things just should not be left unsaid (anyways knowing you, the lateness of this post prolly bothers me more than it does you - if it does at all :) ). I'm writing this to express all that I couldn't in the sms.

To my friend Sherman,
Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a great friend. Though I've only known you for less than half a year, you've already impacted my life more than some people that I've known for years. You've accepted me for who I am and I'm thankful -cos I've learnt what it is not to have to wear a mask and know that I'll be loved for who I am anyways, warts and all.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a teacher. Though you're not exactly my lecturer -yet you've challenged my views on life in many ways and have caused me to re-examine and consolidate my thoughts. "Objectify-ing", "' I- it'ing", "'I-thou'-ing", "embodiment", "friend of God", "journeying together", "brokenness", "dignify-ing", etc... are stuff that you've taught me in the past few months that I'm quite sure I'll be carrying with me for the rest of my life.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a big brother. Your care and concern for the three of us have not gone unnoticed and unappreciated. The ice-cream sessions, going out for food, movies, hanging out at your place and studying together have been very much treasured (especially the ice creams -hehehe).

Happy Belated Birthday - yes, age should be just a number... when we look at you, we don't look at you as a 30 year old *cheeky grin*. Rather - we see you as a friend, teacher and big brother. You being you have been a great blessing to me and those around you. Thank you.

Holiday reflection and highlights

Current feeling: Sleepy/longing to go home and spend time with family/reflective/can't wait to go back to STM and settle down for the new semester

Am back in the office again after a fantastic week-long holiday. Didn't go anywhere exotic or different, but because of the company I had, it was definitely one of the best breaks/holidays that I had. :)

Cameron Highlands holiday highlight
The tea times at Boh plantation and Cameron Valley - just sitting with my friends and just talking and kidding around.
Visit to OA village with dad and oli, dan and sk.
SK's message on Trinity.
Seeing dad through sk's and dan's eyes - learnt to love dad more.
The guys wrestling in the middle of the night - that was just super hillarious.

JB highlights
Meeting dan's family - felt really at home in his place (like home away from home). His family is so nice and similar to mine(except for our dads)..
Eating supper with dan's family at their longtime family fav place near the seaside facing singapore....
Lunch at Victor's - had fried sardine balls for lunch with curry and rice for the first time - it was yummy.
Eating ice kacang 'up on a tree' with jacob, his gf, ben and dan
Having breakfast with lucy and dan - eating half boiled eggs and bread.. Yummy!


Singapore highlights and comments
Major highlight was meeting up with my closest cousin sherene. Was there for under under 24 hours but every moment spent with her was precious. It was just like good old times where we just have so much to share with each other and how God seems to be teaching us the same lessons at the same time. As usual, parting was not easy.

Comments on Singapore: Don't think I would want to live there in the long term. Though it reminded me of Melbourne (the home of my heart), there was just too many people around. After being conditioned to living in Seremban, living in kl already takes some adjustment. Singapore life is just so crazy where everyone is just so BUSY and RUSHED. *shudder* Nevertheless, it was just good to go for a day - the most I think I can take is prolly one week to visit friends.

Additionals
Learnt to watch world cup - though I'm not exactly a soccer fan. But dan's patient explanation of the rules and stuff helps in understanding the game.

Dear God,
Thanks heaps for the awesome holiday and awesome friends. After all, all good things come from you. I'm truly grateful.

Checking in and checking out

Am in JB rite now at a friend's house - just came back from a great holiday trip with my friends. Had a great time sleeping, eating, chatting (we did a lot) and laughing, drinking tea, watching dvds and football matches.

Lots to think about and learnt a lot of things - about myself and learnt to appreciate my dad a whole lot more than I used to. :)

okies... checking out now. Am tired and want to have a shower and hang out wiht my friend's family which reminds me a lot of mine.. heheh.

Some thoughts for today

I think my mind's turning into mush.. I was mid-way reflecting on something this morning and half way through, I lost my train of thought! :P It's must be because of editing the songbook for church - tiring, repetitive and tedious work... Thank God I'm almost done! Another 100+ songs to go and I'm DONE!!! - well I have the indexing to do - but it's easy peasy compared to the editing bit. I salute editors who do this kind of job everyday... My poor eyes are protesting from staring intently at the screen for hours at the time for the third week in a row now...

Speaking of tiredness, I'm really looking forward for the holiday with my friends!! A break is going to be very much needed after these 3 weeks and the past few months of working hard. My body is feeling like it's gonna get sick soon. *grimace* Uncle Sam seems to have this sadistic pleasure in stacking more stuff on top of my desk for me to go through or to distribute in the past few days.. :P Everytime when I think that I've cleared the pile, more arrives on my desk-AARrrgghhhh!! Add Uncle LD's request to the list.. *die*

Other than my goals to complete the songbook, I've thankfully managed to look through some materials for Christmas and at least came out with one material with gramps and DT (Had a great time having 'girl-talk' over lunch with her today*grin*). Managed to catch up with a couple of ppl - but not as many as I'd hope. SA's gone for a mission conference in Singapore and things seems to be quieter around here without her...*sigh*

Ok - back to the editing - still have another 30 songs or so to go for today. *grimace* God please refresh my poor eyes.

Following You

I'm desperate for You today
I'm weary with the problems that I see around me
I want to give up struggling, I want to give up fighting
I just want to break down and cry
For those who are hurting, for those who are lost and need You
The day is only half way through and I already feel exhausted
Please be my strength for another day - for today

I say this with apprehension and fear
Knowing nonetheless that Your ways are always better than mine
"Guide me and lead me today - I'll follow where You lead"
Trusting that You'll provide strength along the way
Trusting that even if it gets harder
You love me - and that is enough

Redeemed

My eyes are fatigued from staring at the screen the whole day. Am still in the office-have just decided to take a break and take pity on my poor eyes(I can type my thoughts out with my eyes closed) that has been staring at the screen most of the day.
Jazz music's playing in the background. Quite soothing. :)

Have been reading this book called 'Atonement Child' which addressed the issue of abortion in fiction form. The brings to life the struggle that women goes through when they decide to abort a child. The main story is about a girl who was raped and became pregnant and the choices that she had to make and how her circumstances affected her family - especially her mother and her grandmother who went through abortion for different reasons and the pain they felt after.

One thing that sticks out after reading the book is the word 'Redemption'. Never realised how beautiful the word is....
I am blown away by the fact that I am redeemed by God...
Against all reason and human comprehension- I am redeemed..

Offering

Paul Baloche

The sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
There is no shadow in Your presence
No mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
Before the holy one of heaven

Pre-Chorus
It's only by Your blood
And it's only through Your mercy, Lord I come

CHORUS
I bring an offering of worship to my king
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus, may You receive the honor that You're due
O Lord I bring an offering to You

You Are...

You are my Best Friend
You are my Father
You are my God
You are my Lord
You are my Saviour
You are my Redeemer
You are the Lover of my Soul
You are my Help in time of need
You are my Strong Tower
You are my Rock
You are my all in all....

Starbucks and Used teabags, Mee Rebus and Oranges

It's been a good tiring weekend. On Sunday, it was fantastic to hang out with friends - communing in church, lunching together, discussion for Cross Gen camp, movie (X-Men rocked) and fellowship over dinner.

Yesterday was another awesome day. I'm especially glad to meet up with a dear and wise friend. I've come to realise how it's indeed good to have him and my mum around to give wise counsel. Anyways, I met up with this friend at Starbucks and had great conversation over great coffee. I was challenged by his heart for the poor and the oppressed. I still remember the story of how they were struggling with the loss of a boy in their community that they're living among and ministering to and how much he meant to them. I was amazed when he said of how terribly they are treated - even when they're given stuff... He's seen ppl give 'used teabags' and how much people are calculative when they 'help the poor'. I won't be able to blog about how much he's helping the community he's with and the struggles that he faces in detail. But his life amazes me. I appreciated his openness to share his brokeness with us. I thank God for people such as him in my life to continually challenge me.

Time passed by so swiftly when we were with him... Could have sat there for hours to listen to his stories and his life experience. Went to another friend's house for some fantastic mee rebus (there were chicken and beef!) and there was yummy barley drink...

Went to visit a friend at the hospital after that, and a friend brought oranges (which sue ann was eye-ing shamelessly) hehhe... It was good to see people in Cross Gen congregate in that room and show care and concern for a sister in Christ. :) Am glad to see how people are taking initiative to have fellowship with one another within cross gen - popiah parties get together, board game get together, ice cream get together, baking parties get together, mee rebus get togethers, etc... Am excited to see what God is doing in our midst.

Grace

The thought came to me...
Why did You pick me?
Why did You choose to love me?
When I look inside
There seems to be so much that is in want
So much that is flawed
So much that is broken
So much that is unlovable

And yet...
You died for me
You came and met me where I was
You love me and saved me
From a life of utter hopelessness
You healed my wounds
You still do today
You show me the beauty of things
In the midst of a broken world

Your grace amazes me
My heart is filled with awe and wonder
Of Your love for me
Your love that is unfathomable
It's way beyond my comprehension
Tears of flows down
I'm amazed and left speechless