He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
There are times when certain fears tend to overwhelm and hold us very strongly in its grip. When it happens, it's really scary. You struggle and struggle till you're tired. You struggle and struggle until you're just worn out. The worst thing is when it still holds on to you.
A friend of mine was telling me the other day about how she was afraid of going to see the doctor. She's afraid of what he might say -that she's gotten worst. She's afraid to the point where she just gives in and gives up caring about her health. She's just tired of caring, tired of fighting. I really identify with her right now.
I'm afraid.
I'm terrified, scared, petrified - to the point of giving in and giving up. A part of me tells me to fight some more but I can't anymore... If pushed any further, I feel as if I'd break into a million pieces....
In this struggle, I ask - where is God in all this? He feels so far away... A part of me knows that He's there, just very far away. Another voice is saying that He doesn't care - if He did, perhaps I'd be more strong to fight this. Isn't His strength is made perfect when I am weak? I don't see that right now. I'm just afraid... God, I just give up-I don't know how to go on right now.. Please help me..
Her energy was low.. waning... No more... no more... She could not push on any longer.. The voices in her head also told her so.. It was all her fault - every single bit of it... You don't deserve it... Look at what you did to those you love... Look at what you did to your friends... It's because of you that they are hurt, that they are sick... It's all your fault...
Since when did you deserve to win this battle??? You are already too broken - too sick.. You are sick cos of your own foolishness... You're already a burden to the others.. Don't bother fighting any more.. Just give in - you don't deserve grace. You don't deserve mercy..
No, no... It's not true... He's shown me grace. He's forgiven me - they've forgiven me... She weakly argued.. You're wrong... You're wrong..
Really?? Even if they've forgiven you.. You know you are going to lose this battle anyways. Look at the havoc you've wreaked - the wrongs that you have done. You deserve to lose for that... You deserve every hurt, every pain that is inflicted on you.. Just give up... just give up... You barely have any strength left anyways... Just give up...
Her strength gave in... She lay there.. awaiting for the blow to fall upon her... After all, she desesrved it.. didn't she?? The voices in her head were right all along.. Don't show me grace... Don't defend me.. Just don't...
Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise? If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa. Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.
Incidentally - I'm apparently a right brainer. I keep on staring at the thing and for the life of me I can't see it turning turning anti-clockwise. I tell you, it keeps on turning clockwise !!!
Finished my last church history exam ever this morning.. I think I should've done ok for that.
Finished my last assignment for the semester... *sigh* I'm going to have to study very VERY hard for the test..
Now going out to hang out with my girlfriends -need to get rid of stress.. Have not been sleeping well the last two nites even though sick. Didn't even take my medication this afternoon - afraid of falling asleep.... Looking forward to a good time with friends and getting some good rest tonite... before everything piles up again... *sigh*
There are some days that you wake and up and wish that you didn't have to go through the day. Today is one of those days for me. *sigh*
On top of all the work that needs to be done, I got shelling from a friend. Am also feeling crappier as the day progress. The worst thing is, my stomach can't decide if it wants food. One look at the stuff I have to eat, I just feel like throwing up. However, when I don't eat, I get hungry. :p
Am really looking forward to tomorrow at 5pm. I'm looking forward to some quality time with my girlfriends - am beginning to feel like a prisoner with minimal communication in the last few days. In the meantime, between now and then, it's just one of those days where you just put one step in front of you at a time-because you know that if you look up and see how much you have got left to go, you'll just really chicken out or just give up.
Today, I visited the doc's. My last visit was two years ago - when I went to do medical check up for STM. After today's visit, I think I can very well go for another two years without seeing another one.. The long and short of it is the doctor was a super BIG PAIN in the butt. There's just no other way to describe it. It's just bad enough when one's feeling crappy - but it's another thing when the doctor asks you all these sarcastic questions and make snippy comments. When he went out of the room, I asked Lee Yng if it was ok to taruh him balik. Seriously - he was absolutely exasperating to the max. Hahaha - it's no wonder why my blood pressure is a bit on the high side. Already have stress with Isaiah assignment, stress with getting sick and now stress with an idiotical doctor. Lee Yng said that the doctor I had must be the one that Lucy calls 'sombong'. I later found out that Lan Yin went to him before and she also cannot tahan him. :P
The only good thing is that he gave me an inhaler for free. I also learnt why cough medicine tends to aggravate my cough instead of helping it most of the time.
The irony is- I now not only have to recuperate from my sickness, but also from my visit to the doctor. :p
On Saturday evening, attended Faye and Sze Whye's wedding dinner at E&O Hotel (I cannot believe that they have 4 wedding dinners to organise - one in Singapore, one in Penang, one in Ipoh and the final one in Shanghai). Am so glad for them, they are one of the loveliest couple I know. I was seated at the Melbourne Uni OCF-ers table (which just had to be most rambunctious table in the room). It was good fun to meet up with everyone again. There was free flow of red wine - which my friend Chris(pic on the left below) took advantage of (he found every excuse he could think of to give a toast-and coerce people to drink with him). Though he said he found the wine a bit sweet, I personally liked it.
I was telling my friend Lee Yng, being with them enabled me a glimpse of another world.
Let me explain more - I met Daniel Wan after 5-6 years of incommunicado. He's now working in HP, Penang. Am glad that he's doing great- he struggled a fair bit when he got back from Melbourne. Chris Quek, who tells me that he's constantly pictured in Malaysian newspapers for AcmaBooks is one of its CEO. Am particularly fond of him - he the kind of guy that shares EVERYTHING (and I mean everything! He told me about how much he gave the bride and groom and the reason for giving the amount, He also told me about what his mother has saved up for his future bride, he told me about his girlfriend and stuff, etc.. - you get the pic ) and he tries to call whenever he's in town. I always remember him for his amusing stories (He even told a story of a pastor who he says preached a 'porn sermon' at his friends wedding - those interested to know the details can come and ask me). Being the most senior on the table, we were constantly ragging him about getting married to which he says - in two June's time. Am looking forward to that day. *grin* Charlene (my former follow uppee) and Marcus married about a year ago and Marcus is heading his dad's construction company - which is now opening another branch in JB. They are quite down to earth ppl and as I constantly tell people, Marcus was one of the best cell group leaders I know. Sophia Goh was there, and she's a writer at a magazine here and Singapore.
Like I said, their world seems so different from mine - so VERY DIFFERENT - I wonder how my seminary learnings will be relevant in ministering to people like them or prepare me adequately in keeping up with them (I guess the onus will have to be on me).
Finally feel somewhat human after more or less sleeping the whole day today. Have a really bad flu bug. Hopefully won't have to go to the doc's tomorrow. I really hate going to the docs...
Anyways, I really had a great time in the last couple of days with my family in Penang. It's always great to spend time with Aunty May and Uncle Heng (pic on the right), Wei Ling, Wei Yen and Ku Kong. They're very lovely people - the kind of people you'd find hard to dislike.
As expected, we reached there at 2am. :p Wei Ling called us at 10pm and told us they were going to sleep and to call Aunty May's handphone when we arrive. Aunty May told us the next day that they couldn't sleep after that. *poor things* (Pic- Wei Yen, Wei Ling and I)
Mum woke up at 7.30am to join them for breakfast at the nearby pasar pagi - which was no loss to us in the end cos my sis and II had onde-onde and some loh mai kai for breakfast.. Yummy...
We went later to pick Ku Kong(pic) up for lunch. Aunty May arranged for us to have lunch at a German restaurant near the house (it was really lovely but we were looking forward to Penang food). Poor Ku Kong.. He's been having gout problems so he had a long list of what he COULDN'T eat. He stole a small bit of sausage from my mum and kept looking longingly at our food while he had dory fish and salad(Later on he took mum and sis out for 'tea' and kept on ordering heaps and heaps of food so that he can *share* with them- the old rascal.. hehehe). *poor thing*... That morning he had a bad headache and was telling us about it in the car on the way to lunch. He also told us that when he saw us, the headache disappeared. *awww... he's so sweet*... My family were thinking that we should make more effort in visiting him next year. The distance is rather a killer though.. *sigh*
One thing that always strikes my family whenever we visit them is this - they are one of the nicest and most 'pleasantest' people we know (even nicer than a lot of Christians). How does one share with them the gospel? How does one tell them of the One who has died for them? Mum always tells us to pray for their salvation - but why issit that I always feel that it's impossible?
I am utterly and completely exhausted. *sigh* my immune system's really down cos I now have a cold and a bad headache. :( Will have to sleep soon. I'm glad to finally be back in STM after all the travelling and moving about over the weekend. For once, I'm actually glad to NOT be going anywhere tomorrow - planning to be 'a good girl' and stay in STM and get lots and lots of rest.
I had a fantastic time though- didn't do as much eating as I anticipated (which is both good and bad - I guess). BUT I had an extremely lovely time with my relatives and friends (at the wedding dinner). A pity that I could not catch up with my best-cousin in Ipoh this afternoon when we stopped by for a couple of hours... :( Will have to call her after my exams I guess...
Shucks... Really really REALLY need sleep now... Will blog more tomorr0w (just thought to post this up cos need to catch up with someone's post already *grin*)... More to come tommorrow - if I'm not drowned with church work, assignments and trip preparations by then..
On my left is a packet of curry flavoured doritos and on my right is a bowl of guacamole (dug it out of the back of the fridge when i saw the doritos)... I must admit that it's a rather odd combination - but I must say that it goes rather well together... *munch munch..
On another thought - the fact that someone keeps telling me to count the calories is *maybe* getting to me.. Perhaps I shall stop... *soon*.. Maybe should save space for all the yummy food that I'll be eating in PENANG!!! hmmmmmm.... There goes the calory counting.. hehehe...
I reckon my love for food is going to get me into trouble one of these days. Mum used to lament(and still does from time to time) about my hedonistic tendencies - I love to eat, have fun, sleep, etc... Then again, when I have to work, I'll work just as hard... *munch munch... So to me, it just makes sense. Hahaha- my sister will prolly have lots to say about my convoluted logic when she reads this.
Am looking forward to go to Penang for the weekend. It's been around two years since we last went (or has it been longer?! I forget)... Am mainly going there over the weekend to attend ZY's and Faye's wedding at E&O Hotel tomorrow evening. Will be staying over with my Penang cousins and Uncle Heng and Aunty May. Looking forward to see Ku Kong again as well. He used to spoil us heaps when were kids. *fond grin* Looking forward to hanging out with my crazy and fun loving Singaporean friends...
Of course the other highlight of Penang is FOOD!! Think of all the delicious food that we'll be eating in the next few days! Poor Sam... He won't be able to come with us cos of his exams... He's going to miss all that lovely food!
In the meantime, am still waiting - waiting for Sam to come back from fetching Esther at work. Waiting for poor mum to wake up from her rest. The weather has been positively sweltering today and everyone feels like wilting flowers.
Hmmm... My appetite for dinner is definitely spoilt. *munch... Maybe have supper when we get to Penang. At this rate - poor Aunty May is going to have to wait for us to arrive at 2am... She's soooo going to regret that she told mum that she'd wait up for us to come. *sigH*...
A song. God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. 6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. 7 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah 8 Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields {9 Or chariots} with fire. 10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." 11 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
I was just thinking about the trip to Egypt ahead... The team leader there apparently is looking forward to having me there.. I was just wondering... I wonder how much I'll be a blessing to the people that I'll be with. I wonder how much of my skills will be useful... I wonder how much of my seminary studies is going to be needed...
Occasionally, when things just gets really crazy and there's heaps of things to do, an ingrained habit by my mum comes to the fore - making a list. It used to drive me crazy whenever she asked me to bring out a pen and paper to make a list but as I look back, it has certainly come in handy so that I don't miss out things.
Things to do before going for the trip (by 26th October):
1. Look for and purchase medical and travel insurance
2. Getting innoculations on the list provided
3. Shopping for adequate clothes
4. Get visa from Egyptian embassy
5. Prepare and send out prayer newsletter
6. Pack up room in STM
7. Pack up my room at home
8. Activate roaming services on my handphone
9. Fix my handphone
10. Back up the stuff on my computer
11. Learn Arabic words on list provided
12. Meet up with Andy
13. Meet up with Ps Elisha
14. Go out with Tim and Jon for a nice meal
15. Meet up with Sue Ann
16. Figure out which books and other stuff that I want to really carry along for my trip
17. Buy a few light-to-carry Malaysian stuff that I can give away as gifts
18. Settle all worship ministry matters :p
19. Call Tuaku (argh - almost forgot! I'll be so dead otherwise)
20. Collate the info on prayer newsletter
Hmmm... haven't included exams and assignments. aiyoh (so much to do in so little time)....
On Sunday, CV Matthews preached a sermon on the Trinity and relationships in PJEFC. While this is not anything new to me(I remember Sherman preaching a similar message on Trinity Sunday in Camerons last year), it was a good reminder. The speaker, from India, started his sermon by sharing with us an Indian proverb "As is the king, so are his subjects. As is the god, so are the devotees." In essence, he preached that because God is a Triune(Tri-unity) God, it should be reflected in our relationships at work, at home and socially.
He shared many stories that really caught our attention and got the point across (I particularly liked the story about how he said that husbands can be inconsiderate- and that his wife of 26 years complained that he still did not know her. I appreciated the fact that he admitted it and is working on it. Hehehe- shows that it's never too late I guess).
I was especially struck by the conclusion of the sermon. He shared the story of Napolean addressing one of his errant soldier. Worse still, the misbehaving soldier was named after him. When he reprimanded the soldier, he said "Either change your behaviour or change your name."
As Christians, we should act like Christians. Otherwise, what if God sees us and says 'either change your behaviour or change your name."??? Hmm... definitely something to think about...
The challenge for me was this - what I believe about God is reflected in the way I live.
If I believe that God forgives, I too must learn to forgive those who has hurt me.
If I believe that God is gracious, I too must learn to show grace to others.
If I believe that God is love, I too must learn to love - not just the ones that are easy to love, but the people who are difficult as well.
If I believe that God gives second chances to me, I too must learn to give others a second chance.
If I believe that God has sacrificed much for me, I too must learn to sacrifice much for others and not merely give out of my convenience.
I think the question is, what about God do I truly believe? When I examine my actions, thoughts and words; how much of this reflect my belief in God? How great is the difference in my practice compared to what I believe in God in theory? I hope that the gap small - if not, hopefully it is getting smaller and smaller as I continue in this journey of faith with Him.
My trip to Egypt is finally confirmed- the Board sent out the official letter today and the not so official confirmation just on Saturday.
The tickets have been booked- will be leaving on 30th October and returning on 27th December (will need to rush back for Alicia's wedding -thankfully found out about it earlier.. otherwise I would've planned to come back later - prolly in January just before semester starts :p)...
For those who know me, I ask for your prayers.... Lots of preparations to do at the moment.. raise funds, pay for airfare, go shopping for more appropriate clothes, getting the visa, writing prayer newsletter, etc...
This is on top of assignments, exams, packing up in STM and packing up at home for the trip... I also ask for your prayer covering during this time of my journey of faith as things pick up more and more...
Thankfully, God has answered part of my prayers- I found out an hour ago I have now enough for the airplane ticket. :D
Attended Vui Kian and Li Ming's wedding yesterday... It was pretty good - worth the rushing down and back again (and being pretty exhausted as a result). Was super glad to be there to celebrate the special occasion with the happy couple - even though could only steal a few precious minutes to talk with them. Li Ming lamented that we couldn't talk for longer (She and Vui Kian also has been living really busy lives - they were going back to work today)...
I caught up with heaps of friends that I've lost contact with in the last couple of years. Met Sarah Wong, who's now a vet and work 60 hours a week. Met Darryl Foo, who's working as a businessman (despite his engineering degree) he's still the same old Darryl - ever helpful and just adorable. Met up with Li Min (who sorta disappeared off the ends of the earth and suddenly appeared). She's apparently been immersed in the hospital in the last 5-6 years and is now specialising on infectious disease. Met Chris Quek and gang (who, I will happily be meeting up again in Penang). Also met up with Janice Tan (one of my 'follow-uppees'). She's apparently now based in Dubai and will hopefully be able to meet up with her when I'm in Egypt!! Lastly, I was just really glad to see Vanessa San there. She's now a practicing psychologist in Singapore. I must go and visit her again. Met up with Andrew Chen and family. His son James was so adorable (he kept on pulling Chris' ears)... Hehehe... Mavis, Faye, ZY, Jocelyn, Aunty Marrilyn, Stewart Rae and wife, Yung Khan and Brenda, Seline, Gideon and wife, Simon Ng and wife were all there...
A few thoughts: 1. Everyone looks the same as ever (as if we have barely aged in the last five years - must be the blessing of being an Asian) 2. Everyone's really really busy and working crazy hours (most of them seriously work around the clock). In the midst of all that busy-ness I wonder how they have sustained their spiritual life and how it has changed since Melbourne Uni days? How have they learned to balance work and ministry? These group of ppl were one of the most vibrant group that I knew - I wonder how much things have changed with the pressure of work. 3. There were lots and lots of doctors around (not surprising considering that Vui Kian is one) - which just felt really weird cos everyone were rushing off at the end so that they could go back to work - never seen the hall cleared up so fast.
I was attending a wedding dinner last nite in Singapore - one of those affairs where everyone had to dress up to the max.
To go with my dress, I wore a high heeled pair of silver shoes... Which I'm sooooo beginning to regret cos I have blisters on my poor feet.... *sigh....
In the midst of assignments, mission trip preparation and exam preparation, I find myself having to squeeze some time in between (sorta like squeezing this post :p) to go down to Singapore this weekend and Penang the following weekend for my OCF Melbourne Uni friends wedding.
I'm relatively close to both the bride and groom of this weekend - hence the effort to go down in spite of it being super rushed and two pressing assignments due next week. :p I am rather looking forward to meeting them and old friends again.
The following wedding in Penang brings back memories- I remember that I used to play mahjong with the bride-to-be and two other girls and we would have our 'girly' talks. We also made a pact to attend each others wedding. So far, Charlene's is the only one married (She married our cell group leader last year). It's Faye's turn this next weekend. It'll be good to see everyone again - though I think Wan Qiu will not be able to make it cos she's in Netherlands with Thomas for the time being. :(
Have 4 assignments to complete between this week and next week. Have two to finish tonite- looks like it'll be an all nighter. :p I'm thankful that I will not have to do this alone though - the support of my girl friends keeps me going on... Was also talking to some of my classmates and it was good that we were encouraging each other during this time of struggling through our assignments.
Another random song that I've been listening to out of my collection. It's simple but beautiful. It spoke and challenged me as I think through mission trip stuff.. It's just a pity that I can't get a better video with the music arrangement that I have on my com(which I think is heaps better).. But I guess it'll do..
I Will Bow To You - by Pete Episcopo Lord I will bow to You To no other God but You alone Lord I will worship You Nothing hands have made but You alone
Chorus: I will lay down my idols Thrones I have made All that has taken my heart
Am so excited! I have a new fiction book to read (my favourite genre)! Met up with my pastorate group lecturer this afternoon for the customary student-lecturer evaluation talk. I shared with him my interest in fiction books -especially the ones that covers certain issues and provokes me to think more about those issues. He showed me a 'section' in his office where he keeps this particular genre. My heart seriously sang for joy when he showed me the books he has(God bless him! hehehe).. This comes at a good time since I've sorta gone through STM library selection and have finished the ones that I bought from the Doulos last year half a year ago. Have been pining for some good fiction book for while now... *sigh
Out of the whole lot, I thought I'd better be more circumspect and choose ONE - since I'm in the midst of assignments. I have this bad habit - if the book is really interesting, once I get started I'd read it through non-stop even if it means getting only 1-2 hours of sleep (as well as neglect my assignments! :p). This book "Twilight" by Elie Wiesel looks really promising. He wrote it out of his experience during the Holocaust. I can't wait until I finish all my assignments next week to get started on it! :D Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!!
Ps: On a side note, I'm hoping to get a quite a few new *serious* books with the help of a friend within the next couple of months! Really looking forward to that too!
Am in the midst of one of those seemingly 'pressing' seasons. The upcoming mission trip has understandably been taking a huge chunk of my thoughts. Assignments have just had to occupy whatever that's left.
Due to the mission trip, my prayer life has been greatly challenged(an area that I sense the Lord wanted to work on since the beginning of this year). There has been moments when I find myself arguing with God, pleading with Him and just bringing my worries to Him. I have been joyful, distressed, afraid, discouraged, hopeful, filled with faith at times and yet hopeless at other times in the last few weeks. One of my young people who has also been contemplating another trip mentioned to me that she marvelled that I was so seemingly sure of what I wanted. I told her- if only she knew the struggle that's within. I was so discouraged at some points and have just wanted to give up and call the whole thing off. Last week was just one of those times.
One of the few things that keeps me going is that during the lowest period, I see God intervening - through friends and family, through His Word. Without all these things, I seriously do not think that I'd keep on keeping on. I was also challenged when one of my young friends from CUG shared about her mission trip to Cambodia last week. She shared about how God challenged her prayer life - how sometimes it's been so easy to pray and just walk away. This resonated something within. I realised then how afraid I've been to ask God for what I really wanted in fear of being disappointed. There has been times lately when I've just prayed and my faith has been so small. There has been times when I've wondered if He'd answer especially when my prayers have been coloured by doubts. However, I've come to the conclusion that this struggle I have is not a bad thing. Deep inside, I've been needing a huge challenge to my faith for a while now. The last main one was the challenge of coming to seminary and coping through the first semester.
On another note, assignments have not been taking as much priority as I'd like it to at the moment. I was lamenting to one of my girlfriends earlier this afternoon- I worry that I don't seem to be worried about assignments and its deadlines these days(compared to the first semester where I was literally terrified). Some days, I find my attitude towards assignments this semester rather worrying - somehow it's been a struggle to give 100% to my assignments instead of just going through the motions to meet the course requirements. *sigh* I really hate that. I wish that I feel that I'm learning something instead of doing it just for the sake of doing it. Of course it's not like this for all the subjects, but it's just a general feeling for most of my subjects.
Last weekend, I informed one of my colleagues in church that this Saturday will be a Public Holiday for Selangor, so there would be no need to go into the church office on that day. NORMAL people would probably say - 'that's great! day off!' 'Can sleep in'....
The response from my colleague: "Hallelujah. Praise the lamb on the throne. He is the Lord, creator of heaven and earth and also creator of public holiday"..... :p
PS: somehow, it feels more fun to TELL other people about it than posting it up on the blog.. hehehe...
This morning, I apparently woke up for this particular pastorate group activity (Ps Suan has apparently been really hooked into it and I guess he thought to share his joy in it after he read John 3:16 and prayed):
I find forgiveness is one of the hardest lesson to learn. When I am hurt, especially by people whom I call friends (being hurt by strangers don't seem to bother me that much) - I instinctively want to lash out and hit back HARD. After all, I'm the one who's in the right - and they, being the stupid people they are, are TOTALLY WRONG... Worse still, they should know better than to hurt me because they are my friends... right??
After all the crying, the struggling and the questioning - I usually find myself totally tired. 'Sien'(fed up) would be a better word. It's when I reach this point that I seem to have no options left - except to turn to Him.
The most amazing thing is: I seem to find rest and refreshment in Him. Like a weary, aching body finds its respite on a comfortable and cozy bed. Like a parched soul that quenches its thirst from cool streams of water.
It's in these moments when my Father seems to comfort me and call me His child.
It's in these moment that I remember the grace that He has shown me.
It's in these moments that I am reminded of His mercy.
I begin to see my lack - my own stubborness, my pride, my self-righteousness and the how little I love.
I begin to see the lack of mercy and lack of forgiveness that have pervaded my every thought.
It's in that moment.... I learn to forgive - despite the hurt and the pain inflicted, despite the injustice.
How could I do any less, when He has forgiven much? Shown more mercy and grace then I could ever deserve? When I've done so much more stupid things that I'd hope to be forgiven for and already have been?
Had a good weekend especially since the week was one filled with struggling with the depravity of humanity. I suppose that I should be cynical and not be surprised - then again, I hoped for better (as I always tend to do) - perhaps then I would not be as disappointed. On the other hand, I do question myself if I would do the same thing if I was in the same position. Something that took much grappling with.
Back to the weekend. Attended a talk on Saturday. Found it more interesting than I thought it'd be. For me, it was rather eye opening to see what others are saying about the subject. As with all talks, it is not surprising to meet up with old friends. I was particularly gratified to meet up with a good friend whom I've lost contact with in the past year. Met up with another friend too who'll be going overseas soon. Look forward to catching up with him later on this week. Went to church after the talk and unexpectedly ended up playing the piano - the pianist had to go off somewhere. :p After which, EJ and I practiced a sketch for the following day. Went for a good dinner with EJ and LKY - especially enjoyed the ice cream dessert. :)
However, by the time I went home, my throat suddenly felt sore and I distinctly felt tired. Had an early rest and woke up in the middle of the night with a slight fever. Prayed really hard that I would not be too sick to play the piano as well as act. Thankfully, when I woke up, I felt much better. Worship went well and the sketch that EJ and I did at Canaan Baptist Church too. When I got home on Sunday afternoon, I blissfully collapsed on my bed.
Am now in one of my more lucid moments for today. Have been feeling rather unsociable and taciturn - not a big wonder considering one's head perpetually feels like exploding, one's body constantly alternates between feeling hot and cold, having a crappy sorethroat to the point that one's voice is now gone - despite sleeping all the time since Sunday afternoon. Perhaps if someone removed my throat and my head, I would feel much better. :p The only blessing is that I seem to have lost my appetite - I still feel my lunch resting in my stomach. My friends have been persuading me to go to the doc's - which I am stubbornly resisting. Perhaps tomorrow.
Sorta makes me wonder if I too try to fix all of life's problems like this. Rather than going to The Healer, I try to sort things out on my own - unless in desperation (like the middle of Sat night)... Hmmm....
Have been in a rather melancholic mood today and yesterday - I think it's just a combination of the stress of having to finish a huge assignment by tomorrow, disappointment with people and worrying about the mission trip. Thought that I managed to hide it- but somehow one of my lecturers even pointed out that I've been frowning a lot today. My faith just seems so small at the moment. The few things that seem to be keeping me from sinking completely are the support of my girlfriends and humorous comments from a friend that seems to come at the most stressful of times - glimpses of the Father's hand upholding me.
In the midst of all this, I find myself listening to this song. The first verse especially just really voiced out my thoughts at this time. In dealing with disillusionment and disappointment, it spoke to me as I struggle not to react. To learn to choose to do the will of the Father and remember His grace towards me.
All I Want To Do - Ginny Owens
CHORUS All I want to do, is give this life to You All I want to do, is give this life to You All I want to do, is give this life to You And let Your will be done, until it's all I want to do VERSE 1 How does doubt slip in, so silently? And why does condemnation come so naturally? Why do I still get the best of me? Loving so little and living so selfishly? CHORUS VERSE 2 What have I been given by Your grace? Will I come to understand this mystery I embrace? Make of me a new creation now, Fill me with all You are and be all I am some how. Faith so fragile Reaching for Your hand CHORUS
It's now 4 something. I have an assignment due at 5pm tomorrow (but will have to finish earlier so I can reach church for CUG in time). I have not finished my readings for the assignment at this point - a slightly scary prospect since I have at least another 2 books to read AND the 1500 words to write (as well as the bibliography and footnote). :P
I have a dinner to go for, gardening to do (am still hoping that it'll rain - but the sky looks clear. :( ) and attend chapel in the morning. I have not started panicking yet. Though I think I *might* start freaking out later at 12am if I have not finished my readings. Will hopefully be coherent enough to finish my writings by 5am - at least that's the plan for now.
As I take a slight time out to reflect, a few things come to mind
1. I should not change topic at the last minute next time - and hence up in messes like this.
2. Am thankful for VERY supportive classmates who are willing to share their resources.
3. Compared to last year where I'd be seriously out of my mind by now - by God's grace, I've learnt to cope better in situations like this by taking one step at a time and not get myself overwhelmed...
"Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!" The cry of independence of a new nation 50 years ago echoes in our land today as we celebrate Malaysia's 50th Birthday.
As our speaker in chapel said earlier today, "It has been a long and tough journey to get to where we are today." In conjunction with our 50th year Merdeka celebration, STM invited a speaker to share his insights on our country. I appreciated his sharing a lot -especially the bits about steps that we as Christians could take to help in the nation building of this country. Gave much food for thought to me.
Earlier in the week also watched a local musical production called 'Tunku' that was showing in KL-pac. Both today's speaker and the show asked a question - "What does merdeka mean to you?". A friend wrote his thought provoking reflection.
As I reflect, I must say that though Malaysia is not perfect, it is still my home and my country whilst I am still here on earth. It is the place that God has chosen to place me. May justice and peace will reign here for many more years to come by God's grace. Happy Birthday Malaysia!!!
Author's note: I wrote this for my preaching assignment today. Thought to post it up to encourage my fellow students during this highly stressful time of exams and assignments. Some of my fellow students mentioned to me that the sermon spoke to them. I post this up with the hope that this will be a blessing to those going through tough times. I write this from my meditation and reflection on the passage over the past few weeks. -------------------------------------------
1. Introduction Many years ago, a friend from the ship Doulos gave me a bookmark with an interesting phrase. On it was written “Keep On Keeping On”. At the time, it was the motto of her and her friends on the ship. Life on the ship was uncertain and tough. This phrase reminded them to continually trust in the Lord and to keep on going no matter how difficult things got.
Today’s sermon is entitled Keep On Keeping On. As we come to chapter 4 of Nehemiah, we find that this phrase was also true of Nehemiah.
2. Problems faced by Nehemiah and the builders 2. 1 Opposition from the enemy In Nehemiah chapter 3, we see how the building of the wall was distributed to different groups of people. In chapter 4, we begin to see the troubles faced by Nehemiah and the people in the building of the wall. What were some of these troubles? Let us turn to Nehemiah 4:1-3.
Nehemiah 4:1 When Sanballat heard that we were rebuilding the wall, he became angry and was greatly incensed. He ridiculed the Jews, 2 and in the presence of his associates and the army of Samaria, he said, "What are those feeble Jews doing? Will they restore their wall? Will they offer sacrifices? Will they finish in a day? Can they bring the stones back to life from those heaps of rubble-- burned as they are?" 3 Tobiah the Ammonite, who was at his side, said, "What they are building-- if even a fox climbed up on it, he would break down their wall of stones!"
As we can see from the passage, the first problem faced by Nehemiah and the Jews who were building the wall was opposition by Sanballat and Tobiah. In a sermon I once heard, a preacher said this “Opposition is caused by success and not by failure.” Think about it - opposition is caused by success and not by failure. This statement seems to be true as we read this passage. As the building of the wall was underway, Sanballat saw this got angry and downright furious.
The enemy began their opposition by using verbal insults. Sanballat ridiculed the people by asking them 5 questions. Each question was designed to make them doubt if they could ever complete the building of the wall. Tobiah on the other hand, added salt to the wound by mocking the soundness of the structure of the wall that they had built so far.
Later on, when their verbal attacks failed, the enemy planned to combine forces to physically attack them. Vs 8: “They all plotted together to come and fight against Jerusalem and stir up trouble against it.” Verse 11 reads: Also our enemies said, "Before they know it or see us, we will be right there among them and will kill them and put an end to the work." Vs 7 tells us that the enemy consisted of Sanballat, Tobiah, the Arabs, the Ammonites and the men of Ashdod. This is significant. Sanballat who was from Samaria, represented the enemy from the North; the Arabs, under the influence of Geshem were in the south; Tobiah and the Ammonites were in the east and the Ashdodites in the west.[1] Nehemiah and the people who were rebuilding the wall were surrounded by their enemies. More terrifying, the enemy was now threatening to fight and kill them.
2.2 Discouragement from within In addition to the external opposition via verbal attack and the possibility of a physical attack, Nehemiah and the people of Judah were also faced with internal troubles.
As mentioned before, the people of Judah were surrounded by their enemies. The Jews who were staying near the enemy were afraid of the potential attack from the enemy. Vs 12: Then the Jews who lived near them came and told us ten times over, "Wherever you turn, they will attack us." The Jews who were staying near the enemy reminded the people who were building the wall again and again of the potential attack. People around were saying they needed to escape – if they stayed in the city, they will be killed. They said it ‘again and again’. They were inadvertently spreading their fear to those who were building the wall. Imagine your greatest fear being repeated time and time again to you – especially by your family or your loved ones. Sooner or later, you too will definitely begin to feel terrified.
There is another internal trouble brewing. A song is being sung in vs 10 – a song in what is known as a ‘qinah’ metre - a funeral dirge.[2] It is a song of mourning and without hope. Vs 10: Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, "The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.”
The people were not only afraid. They had finished building half the height of the wall because they had worked with all their heart as stated in vs 6. They were now tired. They were also discouraged by the rubble they saw around them. They were giving up hope.
If you ask anyone who has climb mountains anywhere in the world. They will tell you that the most difficult part of the climb is not at the beginning and neither is it the end. It is not difficult at the beginning because of the excitement of beginning a new adventure. You have a new challenge before you. It’s not at the end where you can see the summit because it’s there you get your second wind. It’s as if an invisible hand carries you to the top. The most difficult time in scaling a mountain is not at the beginning and it’s not in the end. It’s somewhere where the two meet – it’s right in the middle. It’s in the middle when you’re tempted to give up. Your muscles are aching and your lungs are burning. You look down and you are able to see how far you’ve come. You look down and you say – is that all the distance that we’ve come? Then you look for the top and the top is not in view and you think – am I going to make it? At the beginning of the climb there is a sense of exhilaration and near the completion you can push through to the end. It’s in the middle that is the most difficult. It is the most difficult part because mentally you realize that you have to go forward as much as you’ve already accomplished.
Nehemiah and the people of Judah are here – they are no longer at the beginning, they are not near the end, they are now in the middle of the work. Not only they must clear the rubble that has there before the exile some 100 plus years ago, there are no bulldozers or modern equipment to help them. It is hard, back breaking work. It is little wonder that they are tired and discouraged. They are afraid. They are being mocked at. The enemy has verbally abused them and is now threatening to fight and kill them. They are in the middle of the mountain.
3. Nehemiah’s Solution What would you have done if you were Nehemiah? If you were doing something that you believed God has called you to do and someone – your friend or even your family - begins to mock you, threaten to attack you and discourage you. You are already tired. What would you have done? Would you have given up? Would you have run away from the situation?
How many of us would have responded as Nehemiah did? He kept on keeping on. How did he persevere in the face of such troubles?
3.1 Perseverance through Prayer Firstly, he ‘kept on keeping on’ by praying. In the face of verbal abuse and the threat of physical attack, Nehemiah did not react or yell back at the enemy. Vs 4-5 states that he turned to God and prayed. He brought his grievances before God. His response by praying even encouraged the people of Judah to the point of the wall being half built – a huge accomplishment. When the people of Judah were afraid in vs 14, he encouraged them to follow his example to ‘remember the Lord, who is great and awesome.’
How about us? How often do we involve God in our troubles? Do we take matters into our own hands and trust in our own feeble strength? Sarah Yap encouraged my pastoral group to trust in God and to seek Him before she left for the U.S. She said that it can be hard sometimes if you have many capabilities. However, if we want to keep on keeping on, we have to learn to pray more.
3.2 Perseverance through Action Secondly, there are some situations that call us not just to pray, but to act at the same time. In the face of a physical attack from the enemy, Vs 9 says that the people of Judah not only prayed but posted a guard day and night to meet the threat.
When the people were getting discouraged and afraid, instead of being paralyzed with fear, running away from the situation or just merely praying, Nehemiah took action. Vs 13 says that Nehemiah stationed people behind the “lowest points of the wall at the exposed places by families, with swords, spears and bows.” In addition, Nehemiah encouraged the terrified people to fight for their families. Nehemiah could’ve said, “Let’s stop the work and wait for a better time to continue the building of the wall. Perhaps we’ll continue when we’re stronger.” Instead, he decided to “keep on keeping on” and take defensive measures.
There are times when we cannot just merely pray and sit around. There story of a man who went to the roof and prayed to God for help when the floods came. When rescuers by boat tried to help him, he declined their help said ‘It’s ok, go help the others. God will come rescue me.’ Eventually the man drowned. There are also times when we should not pray passively but act and pray just like Nehemiah. In the face of trouble, with discernment and wisdom from God, we should not only pray but act when the situation calls for it. Sometimes it is the way God answers our prayers.
Ending In conclusion, I would like to show this short video clip from the movie “Facing the Giants”. The show is about a coach and his team struggling to win football matches. During one of the practices before a match which the team was expecting to lose, the coach decides to teach one of the students a lesson on “keep on keeping on”. This scene is one of my favourite parts of the show.
There are times when troubles come. Everything else around us seems tough. We think that we are only able to go a certain distance – our arms are aching, our lungs are burning - we feel that we cannot go any further. We are ready to give up. Just like the coach, God calls us to give our best. He calls us to not give up and to keep on going. Yes - the task before us may even be appointed by Him. However, He never promised us an easy path. He calls us to trust in Him. For it is only then that God can really work through us. He blindfolds us and tells us to keep on going. As we learn to do so, we’ll be amazed that we can keep on keeping on to the very end. As we do so, we learn to glorify Him....
I dedicate this to all my fellow seminarians as we attempt to survive through the pile of exams and assignments in the coming weeks:
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk He keeps me from lying down when I should be studying. He leads me besides the coffee pot for a break; He restores my faith in commentaries and leads me to better missionary methods, for my grade's sake. Yes, tho’ I walk through the valley of borderline marks, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For Thou art with me; My prayers and my friends they comfort me.
You give me the answers in moments of blankness; You anointest my head with understanding, My exam papers runneth over with questions I recognise. Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me all the days of my examinations; And I shall not have to dwell in this college forever!
Hmmm... Let's see... Doing 2-3 assignments at the same time, preparing for Church History mid-term exam, presentations to prepare for, preparing for worship this Sunday, have 3 meetings today(therefore, need to rush back to PJ after this too), less time to blog.... Yup - the dreaded part of semester has arrived... Time to work... :p
I've had an excellent weekend... Just came back from Sitiawan road trip over the weekend and Gentings on Friday. Have some food for thought and had a wonderful time with some of my girl friends... (will hopefully blog about it soon).. However, as soon as I stepped onto my doorstep. I had a call from one of my bosses with more work to do - I hinted to him that I've just arrived home to no avail... Some people just don't understand the sanctity of the Sabbath... Had to do some conflict resolution which is soooo not working out *sigh*... Cannot understand why people are so thick headed! It's obviously back to the 'real world' again.
My aussie big bro has been reading my blog the last couple of days (yes, it does warrant a blog post cos am so happy to hear from my bro!). Thanks bro for the 'Down At The Cross' song! Have been looking for it for absolutely ages...... A bit sad that won't be able to meet up with you this weekend.. There's no way that I can be at JB. :(
Just had a wonderful day of keeping the Sabbath today. Just feel like I am so totally rested after a long time of unrest - soul catching up with body. It felt a bit alien at first - being intentionally in not having plans for the day and to just rest, read the bible, pray and relax. My mind kept on going to all the things that I could be doing instead - doing some readings for assignments, doing church work and stuff. However, after a while just got used to it and it was just really really good- just to enjoy the moment and not allowing myself to feel guilty in resting as much as I need to. Even watched an inspirational show 'facing the giants' - about trusting the Lord, facing your fears and remember that with God nothing is impossible.
I really loved the song below from the show. Just really spoke to me as I learn to put aside time to rest in Him.
Completely The secret of life is letting go The secret of love is letting it show In all that I do, in all that I say Right here in this moment
The power of prayer is in the humble cry The power of change is in giving my life And laying it down - down at Your feet Right here in this moment
CHORUS Take my heart, take my soul I surrender everything to Your control And let all that is within me lift up to You and say, "I am Yours and Yours alone Completely"
This journey of life is a search for truth This journey of faith is following You Every step of the way through the joy and the pain Right here in this moment
Came back from a great time with the young people in my church earlier today. I even kidded with Ps Choon Meow while building a sandcastle with my group on Saturday morning that we should do this kind of thing more often - good break from the office. ;) [Pic - uncle CM was building a turtle while SY's our mascot mermaid. Our team won - we did an 'under the sea' theme. Kenneth and both Kevins built a really cool shark in the sand too].
It started out quite eventfully. Leon was supposed to come pick me up from STM and then I was supposed to take him out for dinner around in Seremban. However, as he approached the Senawang toll, something went wrong with his car (his timing belt broke) - despite him sending it for service just the day before. So we were around until 9-ish and poor uncle CM had to come get us. G and Josh and Beena had to send me to senawang to meet them (thanks guys!). Talk about more unwanted happenings -it was a rather crappy day for me already. Jason later on shared with me that he had quite a horrible day too- the poor guy was also rather sick when he got there and almost decided not to attend. I was glad that he did - I could get dinner with him and spend some time catching up while the rest played some games.
[Pic -Poon as Donatello in the sand]. In spite of how it began, it was an excellent camp. I had a great time bonding with the young people as well as Ps Choon Meow’s family. Jason, Leon and I were the only 3 young adults there- they dubbed us the overage youth *grimace*. I was glad to have the other two around - reminded me of the times we had when we all their age and the struggles that we've overcome since then. I was allocated to stay in the same apartment as them(Ps CM's family). I was reminded of my family in my younger days as I stayed with them. Sarah, the oldest reminded me of me when I was her age - how she has to be the big sister and watch over her siblings. Liz is so adorable - she's such and extrovert and tailing after everyone else. It was just so awesome to see her joining us in our praise and worship. We were singing 'Give us clean hands' and I was just touched to see her singing so earnestly especially the line 'let us not lift our souls to another'. Elijah was also so adorable - throughout the camp everyone wanted to hug him, carry him, play with him. *grin* He's definitely a younger version of uncle CM.
[Pic- Kenneth among the roses. He was just really really comfortable. ;)] On the overall, I think that the group's definitely much closer after the camp. I was encouraged by the initiative and ownership taken by the young people. Through them, I see hope for the future of the church. Apart from the fun and games (there were heaps of those - dunno where they get the energy from. :p), we had some devotional time as well as praise and worship.
[Pic - Jin Wei wearing all our team tokens - my team was the one with the orange headband a.k.a Michaelangelo. The other teams were Rafael(red band), Leonardo(purple) and Donatello (blue plaits)]One of the young people also led a sharing - she challenged the rest of the group about how they viewed the church and their commitment to it. The song below summarized her challenge to the group. I think the song's pretty awesome. There was a time of prayer as well. Another committee member also challenged the group to reconcile with those that have hurt them - I saw one or two doing that (*sob* love these people so much - am so proud of them too!). One or two shared with me that they are beginning to see how they've always expected others to welcome them into the ministry and forget that they too make up the CUG and how they too need to make the effort to welcome others. Like I said, am just so proud of my young ppl.
PS: The food was really really good. It was definitely one of the best camp food that i've had - very home cooked style. One of the young ppl remarked that they found it remarkable that they didn't get thirsty after drinking the soup and it was not salty.
Dear God, Thank You for the awesome time at camp and for what you're doing among our young people. I pray that you will watch over them and protect them from evil. They are so precious. Thank You for the blessing of being a part of their lives.
It's crowded in worship today As she slips in trying to fade into the faces The girls' teasing laughter is carrying Farther than they know Farther than they know
CHORUS But if we are the body Why aren't His arms reaching? Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? And if we are the body Why aren't His feet going? Why is His love not showing them there is a way? There is a way
A traveler is far away from home He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row The weight of their judgmental glances Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
CHORUS
Jesus paid much too high a price For us to pick and choose who should come And we are the body of Christ
Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast sanctified us by Thy commandments, and commanded us to kindle the Sabbath lights.
May the Sabbath-light which illumines our dwelling cause peace and happiness to shine in our home. Bless us, O God, on this holy Sabbath, and cause Thy divine glory to shine upon us. Enlighten our darkness and guide us and all mankind, Thy children, towards truth and eternal light. Amen.
- opening prayer of the traditional home service for Sabbath eve
I was telling my friend Lee Yng, being with them enabled me a glimpse of another world. 
Finally feel somewhat human after more or less sleeping the whole day today. Have a really bad flu bug. Hopefully won't have to go to the doc's tomorrow. I really hate going to the docs...
The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk
