Better to feel than to kill...

"It's better to feel than to kill feelings - otherwise you're like a dead man walking." My pastor told me this earlier today. At that point I understood what he meant and I still do. However, for one in great pain there's nothing better than to feel nothing - even for a little while. I can understand how pain drives people to take drugs or to find other forms of relief. When one's in great pain, one would rather be numb.

As a follower of Christ, I am *trying* to work out what it means to 'take refuge in God'. Nothing seems to help - prayer, reading the Bible, reading books. Nothing. Not even my beloved music which I generally take great pleasure in - if anything, the pain seems to be magnified. It's a horrible place to be in. Am so tempted to take 'pain killers' - anything to be oblivious. There are times when I wish I didn't 'feel' so much. It's a blessing and a curse. Right now, it's a curse.

That being said, I am grateful for friends who make me laugh. Even though it may be over nonsense. I told one friend that his nonsense was weirdly comforting. It really is. When one is in pain, laughter is precious. You never appreciate how much so until you're in this place. While I have my friends around, the temptation to do anything stupid to cope with the pain lessens somewhat. It's during these times that I get a glimpse that God still cares somehow. Though I can't seem to find my way to Him, it's as if He comes to me. In those times, I think - pastor is not too wrong - perhaps it is better to feel than to kill those feelings...