Children's Vacation Workshop 2006 experience...

I find myself with quite a bit of time to kill before I adjourn to the highlands with my mum - and have decided to blog at the staircase of the church while waiting for her.. I'm looking forward to having a break after these last three days of being practically on my feet from morning till evening and with around 250 kids running around (can you just imagine the chaos :p)...

My eyes are drooping, my ears are ringing (from the screams and the noise), my stomach's crying out for food (it only had roti telur since), my brain's telling me that it wants to shut off cos of the lack of sleep (I woke up at 6 - I don't even wake up this early at stm!! :p)... Thankfully my headache has abated somewhat...

Since the beginning of last month, as part of stm's practical assignment, I've been asked by the church to help out with the children's programme. Apart from observing and evaluating the ministry, I was required to handle the practical arrangements and logistics from the workshop. The workshop experience included a sleep over, outing to Dominoes, Explorace (station games from room to room), telematch, BBQ and talentime, baking, knowing about pets session, christmas story telling and a whole lot of activities packed into 2 and a half days for the children. *phew*

After spending time with the children, a few things came to mind - children, while without guile, reflect their parents actions. If a child behaved in a certain way, it was very telling of how their parents were... While quite of few of us would object to being placed in a box this way - try spending time more time with kids and you'll really see what I mean.. While at times it's quite hilarious, many times it's been rather alarming... Sometimes, what the parents may do in gest or unthinkingly are taken on by the children and have long term impact.

This experience taught me one thing - it will be a while before i have my own kids (if ever)... In the meantime, I'm still a work in progress. :)

Sermon Struggle

Am preparing for a sermon on Romans 5:1-11 and it's been a struggle. I have been working on and off (admittedly, more off than on) on the passage for the last two-three weeks and feel that I am going nowhere. The passage seems basic and yet deep and I struggle to articulate what's on my mind and heart.

This evening, I bounced some reflective ideas with someone that I highly respect. The feedback that I received was that I'm in danger of being too academic and irrelevant. *groan* My greatest fear coming to life!!! :p On a more positive note, I did manage to find ONE good material that relates to the passage... Yipee Yay!

Happy Birthday Dan!

Hey Dan..
Just want to wish you a very Happy and Blessed Birthday!

You are one of the finest friend a person can have... Thanks for being a good friend to me this past year. I've been truly blessed by your friendship.

God Bless.

Ramblings

I find myself 'stoning' in front of the computer... So, after a few minutes, when my brain cells started kicking in again, I decided 'why not blog?'...
Things here are picking up - it seems to be going from slow to fast to faster. It's around 4.30 now and I've absolutely spent most of my focus today getting stuff done for the Children Vacation Workshop. My eyes are feeling droopy and my brain is generally protesting for a rest. I 've been so engrossed in my work that I totally forgot to call one of my friend to say good bye.. *sigh*... That 10 minutes(in which i was supposed to call him) turned to 2 hours before I realised how much time flew away. *sigh*...

Despite my complaint, I do love being back and the change of pace. I have quite a few roles at the moment- Christmas Musical director, help out with Christmas service, Cross Gen committtee, Camp Commandant for Children's Vacation Workshop, prepare for my sermon (includes exegesis) to the church staff *gulp*and my current role as Worship Coordinator. As I've informed one of my friends online, at least when I get bored with one job, I can change to another I get back to it after.

I find myself generally getting tired out at the end of the day.. When I get back, if I have no guests for dinner or no meetings, I just do the chores and play with my dogs and just savour the evening with my mum by talking or watching tv with her.

Other than all that, I've been bombarded with lots of thoughts as I go back to working in the church office. When I win the struggle with the lack of time, I'll try to blog down my reflections (I've attempted starting an entry or two but only got as far as the title - the window was left open for the rest of the day but just couldn't get any further. also, as it is, keeping a certain 20 minutes of solitude in the morning is already an uphill battle many times - I have to constantly remind myself that the work can wait and the emails that need to be read won't multiply by a hundred if i don't check it then and there). :P

That being said, I'm glad to be home - I love times with my family, I love playing with my dogs in the evening, I am glad to slowly connect back with my friends here (though I do feel the absence of my STM friends greatly at times - I look forward to seeing them again in 7 weeks or so)....

Ok... It's time to stop rambling and get back to the pile of work (which I'll see through by the grace of God)..

Happy Birthday Sis!

To My Dear Sis,

A Very Blessed Birthday to you!!! I hope this day will be a special one for you (though you're having your exams shortly).

I'm blessed to have you in my life as my sis and I love you very much!!

A B-day Prayer

Dear Creator, Father and Friend,
Thank You for this day- for creating me on this day so many years ago. Thank You for the gift of life.
Thank You for always being there -especially during the many times when I've desperately needed You. Thank You for Your love, guidance and assurance along my journey in life. I love You more than I could ever express.

Thank You so much for loving parents who have brought me up in Your ways - I don't know what I'd do without them. I've been especially blessed to have them and my siblings in my life as You've used them to mould me and refine me in so many areas of my life. They've been my conscience, my safety net and my companions in my journey of life. Thank You for the joy and the sorrow that shared in the past years.

Thank You too for the many people who You've placed in my life. Thank You especially for many great and wonderful friends who You've placed in my life throughout my journey thus far. I've learnt so much about You through them. They've enriched my life in many ways and I am who I am today because of them. They have been great blessings in my life as they show me different facets of You. I've learnt to treasure each one of them just because....

Thank You for the bad in my life - though I've hated them at the time, I now see that though it was painful and sad at times, I am the better for it. And even if I'm not, they teach me that I need You more and more and not to depend on myself.

Thank You for the many blessings in my life - for the many lessons taught. I've learnt to treasure each moment because they are a gift from You. I look back and I see that I've come so far. I look ahead and there's lots more to go and I thank You that You're going to be with me each and every step. I look forward to the coming year and the adventure with You that's ahead.

Your beloved child,
Ruth

Being back in the church office

This week has been a time of adjustment back to the church office. In the past week, some STM close friends stayed over, I attended a wedding and an ordination service - all which means that I'm still seeing STM people - which have made the transition of being home more bearable. I do miss people at STM(especially my close friends) quite a bit.

Being back at the office means busy-ness. Have just been given a list of assignments (on top of the ones that I've set for myself previously) and am closed to being overwhelmed. I expected lots of work but somehow, just not this much! *groan* Anyways, I'm sure once the momentum gets going, it should be cope-able.

Though things don't seem to have changed much in the office, I realise more and more that I've changed in the past year - especially in the way that I view church. I do see things that contradicts what I've come to believe and I struggle with those issues. "What do I do?" is foremost in my mind. I'm concerned of sounding overly critical and being misunderstood. I'm also concerned that I give wrong advise as I am still in the process of working out the issues. Just because others think that you are a Bible Seminary student, they tend to assume you have THE answers and that is somewhat daunting.

Well these are my thoughts thus far. I do hope to blog more often on my journey as I do my practical in church. I'm sure I'll have a fair bit of material as I try to apply what I've learnt in and out of classes in STM this year.

The fragility of life

Tears streamed down her weathered brown cheeks. The aura of sadness that surrounded her touched those who gathered around. Thoughts raced through her confused and grief filled mind. What made today different from tomorrow? The sun still shone, the birds still sang, mist still shrouded the surrounding mountains. And yet… he will never come back again. Where has he gone? Will I ever see him again one day? What will happen to my children? What will they do without their father? How will I feed their constantly hungry bellies in the meantime? Oh – what do I do now? Why has this happened to us – isn’t life already hard enough?
Darkness waited at the edges of her thoughts – waiting to drown her in oblivion.

Around her in the already cramped hut she called home, the villagers gathered – consoling her the best way they knew how. Some offered their condolences, some prayed, some rubbed her hands to sooth her and others just sat –sharing her grief with her through the silence.

In the next room, other villagers gathered. A body wrapped in cloth lay in the center of the room (as the family was too poor to afford a coffin). Life seems so fragile. Just earlier that morning, that same body was filled with breath of life. He went with his little son to build a long promised chicken coop for the family and suddenly, a huge rotten tree branch fell on him. With his 6 year old son overlooking and a last cry from him, he died – pinned down by its heavy branches.

Where oh soul have you gone? How does one console your widow? What will happen to your family? Where oh God were you in all this? Did you permit this to happen? Has he gone back to you – though he only desired to know you but was held back by something? Where, how, why, what – so many questions remain unanswered….


* On Monday when I visited an OA village. That morning, the head of the family passed away tragically as a rotting tree gave way and fell on him. I wrote this as a reflection of what I saw when my family went to visit the family of the deceased.

1st Year at Seminary's over!

Wow - the last 10 months has flown very quickly. My first academic year at Bible Seminary has come to an end. It's been a great 10 months of learning - despite its many struggles. The journey has been an awesome one. I continually thank God for good friends along the way who have held me up in those difficult times especially who have helped me through the many times when I've wondered if I'd make it. They have been amazing. I'm truly blessed to know and have them them in my life.

As I look back, I am continually amazed to see where I've gone in my journey in the past year in Bible Seminary. I am thankful for what I've learnt in my struggles as I continue to grow in my faith journey. There's still much to learn and so much growing to do but I'll leave that to God and take one thing at a time.

I'm now glad to be back in the church office for the next two months and work out what I've learnt in seminary. Though lots of work are piling and lots of things are ahead - I'm rather glad of the break from studies.

The gap between should be's and what is

I find myself struggling with what I should be and reality.
- I should be finished with my assignments by now but I have two left
- I should talk with several friends but I just can't at the moment
- I should be well (after all, I've been drinking water and resting a lot) but I seem to more worse off than two days ago
- I should be more of a blessing to others instead of thinking of my struggles but that's so far off in reality
- I should be seeking God's favour instead of man but I find myself failing so often
- I should be strong yet I find that I am weak
- I should read more, grow more and stay on top of things but am just helpless to do so

The struggle continues and wears me out sometimes but I am reminded that I need depend on Him more and more.

Somedays I ask...

Some days I ask, what on earth am I doing here?
- when the need is great and there is not enough help.
Though I may not be able to save the world, I can reach out to at least one.

Some days I ask, will I ever be ready for the work ahead?
- when the head knowledge surpasses heart knowledge.
I struggle with doing the things that I know I should do
and do things that I know I shouldn't.

Some days I ask, with all I know, what can I do?
- when I am but a small pawn compared to the giants who makes the decisions.

I ask these questions and wonder, not having answers..
And yet, I can but put my trust in You - in Your plans and will for me.

In my weakness

Be my strength..
I am so weak..

Moving on...

A thought just came to me while I was doing my assignment:
It's just funny how you can go on without certain things that you previously thought of as essential to your existence/things that will enable you to move on.

If You Want Me To - Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to


*******************************************
Doing my church work, assignments, reflection of this semester and listening to music at almost the same time (I hear Dan's voice in my head telling me to 'focus'! *grin*).. This song above just really ministered to me once again - so apt in view of my journey thus far.

Awesome Pastorate Group Mission Trip

Salty drops of sweat dripped unheeded down their brow. Their hands were too busy shovelling, hoeing, carrying dirt, mixing and cementing to pay heed. Eventually, their bodies and shirt were drenched with sweat and covered with a layer of dirt. Specks of dust rested on their hair. Arms and feet that were unused to hard labour ached. The smell of freshly dug soil blended with the cool fresh air. The air was filled with a mix of the sound of laughter, the sound of voices as stories were shared, the sound of the hammer banging, birds chirping, monkeys chattering, music blaring from the radio and the clucks of chicken who could be seen pecking at fat juicy worms that have been disturbed from their hiding place due to the digging of the earth. There was a sense of wonder, contentment and peace as they laboured together....




************************************************

Am back from mission trip!! Above is a short description of our experience as my pastorate group worked alongside with a team from Doulos on a building project in the jungle- in the midst of nature. My arms, legs and back are totally aching (it was really funny - cos everyone in my group groaned whenever we stood up or sat down today- climbing staircases was an ordeal too) and one side of my right leg is swollen cos of an insect bite. :P Nevertheless, the past few days has been a totally awesome experience... (photos here)

My amazing pastorate group Kirubai (Grace) members.


I've learnt so much about my pastorate group members and got to see a totally different side of them- this trip seems to have brought out the best in them. Somehow, before this trip, though we met only once a week, the ice was still unbroken. Once we picked up shovels and cangkul on Monday when we arrived at the village, the ice broke in a very big way as we worked together.

My respect for one my pastorate group members - Moses- has gone up by many notches.. He could still play volleyball when we got back!!! It was just amazing especially he since he carried several bags of 50kilos bags of cement down the steep hill and he weighs less than that(I kid you not!) ... As a comparison, it took the other 4 guys(Anthony Ho, Chris Dali, Takeshi and Lim) to carry ONE bag down the hill. To hear their story, it was very hillarious. We were laughing till we cried during our group sharing last nite.

As for Takeshi and Vicky - they were real troupers. Working hard doing whatever that needs to be done. Takeshi seemed to be all over the place - accomplishing whatever he did efficiently and enthusiastically (he broke 2 shovel handles in the process-the look on his face was just priceless. Pastor joked about how the shovels were not Japanese made and therefore inferior to Takeshi's expectations. Lol).. Vicky was always so smiley - no matter how tired or tough things got. She was even smiling when we were carrying all the heavy materials down the hill. The rest of us were all busy looking serious - trying to concentrate on carrying our stuff and worrying about not falling down the steep slope at the same time. We were also a bit worried about the imminent rain wetting the cement bags.

Had a glimpse of another side of Anthony and Maryanne. They were quiet - but chipped in in whatever they could help out with. It was the same with Chris and Lim. Even Pastor Joseph was just simply amazing. He could have complained that he was old and took a step back. Instead, he was in the middle of everything we did. He was one of the first to grab hold of the shovel and started shovelling and clearing the area for the church that we were building. Yesterday, he and some of the guys worked into digging a 4 feet deep hole to build a toilet. They worked really hard at it and it took them hours to complete the task. They were really wiped out at the end of it. No one could walk a straight line due to exhaustion at the end of the day.

I was really proud of my group. They put in everything they had. Even the Doulos team that was with us were just amazed at the things everyone accomplished.

Sharing lives
I especially loved the sharing of lives and sharing of stories. From Uncle Brian (a family friend and someone partnering with dad in ministry), we heard stories of the struggles of the OAs and the challenges of the ministry.

I've learnt so much more about my pastorate group members too, about their backgrounds, their struggles and their dreams.

I loved hanging out with the Doulos team. There were six of them. SK from Korea, Daniel from Switzerland (leader of the team and a former postman), BJ from Norway (she's a carpenter and just such an encouragement to everyone), Caroline from USA (She worked alongside with my bro in the Book Ex on the ship), Nyree (from Melbourne, Australia and a teacher on the ship) and Kotie (She's from South Africa and is a teacher on the ship. She's also the youngest member in the team).. I was really blessed as I sat down with them to hear their stories and their struggles as they serve on board the ship.


Memorable moments

• Sharing from Lim about how he saw another side to Camerons - and how he was just really challenged. His sharing brought tears to our eyes.
• The spontaneous reading of the Bible to encourage one another in the open air
• How everyone worked together in unity despite differences in race, culture and gender
• Our sharing of meals together. During lunch, though everyone was covered in grime and there was dust everywhere, we were really thankful for the simple fare and we shared our meagre food with one another.
• Sharing of stories
• Today's trip to the organic farm and meeting uncle Fang. He's such a philosophical farmer. Though not a Christian, his sharing was a challenge to us in our faith. Learning about the workings of the farm was pretty wonderful too.
• Praying together for a sick elderly OA lady. There were tears in her eyes as we prayed though I remember feeling so helpless and wished we could do more for her.

It was such an exciting time that I almost forgot about Greek test (till Moses reminded me last nite). *grin* I missed my closest friends in STM though - wished that they could be there too. Maybe next time.

Thank you God for these past few days. You've taught me so many new things. Thank You for reminding me of the things you have placed in my heart that I've forgotten. Though the last 3 days it's been so packed with stuff and the time has been so short, it's been really amazing! You are just so amazing. Thank You, thank You, thank You!!!

Travelling Week

Whoa... This week's been one of zipping here, there and everywhere(*grin*)... Here's my itinerary since last Wednesday..


Wednesday nite: Seremban->KL->Seremban - High Praise and go back to STM
Friday: Seremban -> JB - Friend's Wedding
Saturday: JB -> PJ - Go back to attend church 40th anniversary
Sunday: PJ -> Malacca -> Seremban - Go back to STM (before that go to Malacca to visit mum's friend)
Monday: Seremban -> Camerons - Go for pastorate group mission trip
Wednesday: Camerons -> Seremban - Head back to STM

It's Sunday and I'm now back in Seremban. The travelling has been tiring but it's been fun in it's own way. Reminds me of the good old days when my family used to travel all over Malaysia during the hols. *contented tired grin*

Happy 40th Birthday - PJEFC

Have been busy these past few weeks as my church gears up for our 40th anniversary celebration this Sunday. I had an awesome time last nite (wednesday nite) as both young and old gathered for High Praise(extended worship) and prayer that lasted from 8pm till 12midnite. It was held as part and parcel of the anniversary celebration. It was also just wonderful to see everyone rallying together during the High Praise to pray for Uncle Sam's well being as he undergoes tests and surgery.

Other than that, just thought to come out from my blog hibernation and 'pen down' some thoughts about my church.

I've been in PJEFC since I was a little girl of 8 years old. I've grown up with the church... I remember being scared of going to a new Sunday school(I think I even cried) - but I remember uncle Yee Khiam who was very welcoming and very funny and I eventually felt at home in Sunday School... When I was in my teens, I went through rough patches and I remember that I loved going to church - it seemed like a place of refuge when things seemed tough at home. I remember that I just loved being in the sanctuary and just playing on the grand piano on Saturdays when no one was around. Uncles and Aunties and friends seem to comfort me and they always seemed more like family. I remember me and my best friend, Myra talking about how we loved being in church and that it felt weird when we missed being there on a Sunday- even if we were away on holidays. It seems like my life have very much been intertwined with PJEFC.

When I think of PJEFC, I don't just think about the building. Many faces comes to mind - people whom I have grown up with and have journeyed with me in my faith; people who have laughed and cried with me; people who have helped me and supported me whenever I was at crossroads; people who I knew cared for me the best they knew how despite not understanding where I came from sometimes; people whom God has used and moulded me to be who I am today; people who have been an example of Christ to me in certain areas of my life. Many have come and gone through the doors of the church. PJEFC is not exactly a 'perfect church' and there are many flaws and still so many things to work through. There have been times when we wondered if the church would make it through certain situations. There have been times when I and many within the church have contemplated moving on to other chruches. When I think about certain periods, despite our flaws and where many churches would have ceased to function, by God's grace, we have come through those times and seem to flourish even more. It's just amazing... We never expected or planned to be where we are today. We acknowledge that it's only by God's grace that we are where we are.

Happy 40th Birthday PJEFC! May God's blessing be upon You and see You through another 40 years! Thank You for all the memories. Thank You God for PJEFC. :)

Hibernation

*yawn*
*stretch*
*open one eye*
*groan*
*close eye*
*yawn*
*making zzzs...*

Trying to wake up from my blogging hibernation... I think I'll sleep a little longer and wake up another day.

Blogging break

I'm taking a break from blogging for now. I find myself starting several entries halfway and somehow not completing them -partly because of terrible connection. Have also been feeling tired more often this week. Hopefully next week will be better. Thanks to those who have been encouraging me to blog. Do continue to have patience with me.

Broken pieces...

"Crash!"
She rushed into the living room. Oreos looked at her, his face looked guilty, his tail drooped. Next to him, her precious vase lay broken. She felt dismayed at the lost of the vase- not because it was costly - but because it was of great sentimental value to her. Though it was not much to look at, it was the only legacy left to her by her grandmother who passed away a long time ago. Heartbroken and still somewhat in shock, unthinkingly, she picked up a piece of the shattered pottery. A sharp pain shot through her hand - blood flowed from where the broken pottery had cut it.

As she looked at the piece in her hand and then at the rest on the floor, an idea came to her, perhaps she could somehow glue back the pieces together. To her, the time and the effort would be worth it - she loved the vase because of she loved her grandmother greatly and it represented what was left of her grandmother's memory.

As she tried putting the pieces together, the broken pieces cut her fingers. Her fingers hurt. Droplets of blood dripped, staining the broken pieces of the vase. Unbiddingly, images came into her mind as she looked at it. Memories of the past washed through her. Her life had been one of brokeness too. Many times, when the past came back to haunt her, she felt her life had been broken just like the fragmented bits before her.

When those who loved her have tried to help her, because of what she was, she hurt those who try to help her - just like when she tried to put together the pieces of the broken vase. Just as she tried to piece the vase together out of love for her grandmother, they tried to fix her together again out of love for the Father and for her.

As she continued in her train of thought, her fingers throbbing, she wondered if she should continue fixing the vase and it if would be worth it - after all, it'll never be the same again. The thought came to her, would those who are helping her in turn stop helping her? Would they continue to love her even though she hurt them? After all, what use was she when she was only a piece of broken clay - never sure if she would ever be whole again....

Disconcerting

It's been a rather disconcerting day - one where I feel that I've been going through the motions and yet feel I'm going nowhere and accomplished nothing... Weird...

Rest

Thank You for this day of rest...
Thank You for dreams...
Thank You for friends and family...
Thank You for providence...
Thank You for music - an expression of the soul...
Thank You for Your love...
Thank You...

My Dream

I've been confronted with my dream again
How I long for its fulfillment
So many years have passed since the dream began
Never completely fading

Each year the question arises, is it time?
When will it happen?

There is a sense of gnawing deep within
A sense of expectation mingled with a little fear
Will the dream ever come true?
Will I be too old when it happens?
Will it meet my expectations?
Will I miss the opportunity?
Will the opportunity even come?

I don't have all the answers
Only He knows
But I yearn
I yearn and hope for the day
Where I will live out my dream
The dream that He has placed in me from long, long ago...

Thought

I feel like the stupidest person on this earth right now...

A letter to my beloved friends

Though it's like 3 am in the morning now - and I can hear cheering from the room where some gung-ho STM people are watching football - and there's picnic, Doulos outing and MBS visitation at 9, I feel a need to blog this entry (in view of what I went through in the past week)...

I think my rough period has passed (hopefully completely *cross fingers*)... Lots of my thoughts have been sorted out and am feeling almost 'myself' again...

THANK YOU
I want to thank God for these people in my life who's especially seen me through this time (hahah - this seems like a credit of some sort, but I've learnt over and over again that there is a lack of affirmation and much criticism.... In view of how terrible the last week was to me, I'm truly grateful for you guys):
Gerrad: Your sms-es and words of comfort have encouraged me and I thank you heaps...
Silvester, Doulos, Jacob and Lucy: for being yourselves around me in this time (whether or not you know what I've been going through), you guys bring joy to me -in my darkest hours, I could smile because of you...
Lee Yng: For your prayers and your concern for me
My family: I think you guys were clueless about what was going on - I just seemed tired all the time to you - but you being my family and being there helped me be where I am today (the ice cream at BR, the family sharing and just being together helped me to regain my perspective) you guys are more important to me than you'll ever know.... Thank you for loving me...

Vanessa: Thanks for your concern and your little hugs.. :)

Victor: Though you were only around for a night, it was good having that short chat with you... Miss you more than I thought I would- value your presence and your advice very much...
My room mate: for our talks, though you prolly will never read this, ironically, my being in the room more often made us closer friends and has been my brightest spot last week... I appreciated our sharing.... You being the room helped me somewhat from going too insane and perhaps crying too much...
Shermie: For not pushing it and giving me much space..
Especially to Dan: For your constant SMS-es which came at the darkest periods (especially when I was alone in my room). For constantly checking up on me - I told you d - it helped a lot knowing that you cared and 'felt' what I was going through...

Thanks guys for being great friends and family to me... I am blessed to have you in my life- to know that despite my darkest hours and moods, you guys still love and accept me... It means a whole lot to me... Love you guys very much...

SORRY
I am so so soooooo SORRY - to the person who I wrote the previous entry about.... If you guessed it right and thought it was you... Am so sorry for hurting you... Please forgive me... There was NO EXCUSE for what I wrote...

Jumbled...

I hate stupid insensitive inconsiderate people. I'll prolly regret saying this but at the moment I am just feeling downright irritated at being robbed of my 'thinking time' by a somewhat insensitive lout. Very uncharitable thoughts are in my mind and feel like cursing(Shocker - I know - It just is an indication of the unstableness fo my mind).. Am already worried that I'll say or do things that hurt people I love in this time - so please understand if I keep a distance from or avoid you...

Just when I was feeling better last nite(was almost my normal self - I think having my family around me helped... and Ice Cream too!), this morning I am assailed by a fresh new case of 'the blues'. Not as bad as the last few days but I'm sure there's melancholy lingering in my eyes... Thought I'd been able to hide it in the past week - but apparently it's been obvious to close friends. Being an open book has its disadvantages... I want to go home and just hide in my bed. *sigh* but I guess I'm going to have to survive today one step at a time again.

I hope this storm blows over soon, if not, I'll need strength from Him. I feel so tired and just want to sleep all the time...

He will carry me

Today has been slightly better...

Have been listening to this song and it speaks to a part deep within..
Am reminded again though I may not 'feel' it at the moment, He will carry me...
I see a glimmer of light...

HE WILL CARRY ME - Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

CHORUS
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

BRIDGE
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

Melancholic thoughts

Warning: Read the following at your own peril - skip it if you want to remain in a cheerful disposition.







Melancholy has become my cloak
One that is not easily shrugged off
Where it first felt awkward
It's beginning to be tolerated

There's a sense of disturbing calmness
A calm before a storm
A painful numbness
Oh for blissful joy -if only for a while
Yet happiness eludes just when you thought you've grasped it

In company, laughter may be heard
Though deep inside the sadness lurks
Hiding behind every smile
Waiting to smother when one is alone

Oh for days that was once full of colour
Now it just seems mostly bleak and gray
Maybe things won't ever be the same
Maybe I need to get used to the gray-ness
And see the colour in it

Are You there?
You seem so far away
I seek You but cannot seem to find You
I call - again and again
There is silence

Just when I feel that I cannot take it anymore
I feel a fleeting comforting touch from You
If only to preserve my sanity

My heart cries and longs for more than that
It feels like a withering leaf
Parched and dry
A haunting thought prevails - do You love me???
I KNOW in my head and through experience that Your love for me is real
But I need to feel Your love to envelope me once again
Instead of this discomfiting forlornness
How will I make it through tomorrow otherwise?
I dread another today

Author's note: Went to theology class today and was reminded by people who are suffering and persecution for their faith in China. In view of this, what is written above may seem shallow.... But it does not make it less real to me..

Lost-ness

I must confess to be rather disturbed by a comment a friend made today. Am strongly reminded again of how my perception of me differs from those around me. It was as if they were talking about someone else- and yet, I wonder if there was any basis for the conclusions as it was apparently agreed by a few people(granted, it was not formed by those close to me but it still rankled). Perhaps I'm letting the remark bother more than it should. But I guess it isn't surprising under the circumstances - don't quite seem to be myself...

There seems to be a sense of uncertainty and just 'lost'ness. I can't quite put my finger on it but it something seems to be just not right. Sadness lurks beneath the surface - not the bleak kind - but just... sadness.... It seems to be easier to shake off during the day but it returns when I'm alone with my thoughts. My own company seems to be unsatisfactory and yet the thought of choosing to be with people in a group is rather disagreeable at the moment... *sigh* Talk about being idiotic...

Well, at least I have something to look forward to tomorrow evening....

Blurting out my thoughts

It is rather annoying that when you have so many ideas in your head - there is no computer around to blog. What is also annoying is when you do finally sit down in front of the computer to blog, your mind becomes quite blank. Worse - you know that the thoughts you currently have to blog are far inferior to the ones that you thought about when you did not have the computer and those 'superior' thoughts just eludes you! *sigh*
I guess that I'll just have to make do with my current sub-standard thoughts and hopefully, the 'superior' thoughts will come back while blogging *grimace*.

It's been a long weekend - am facing the fact of the amount of work that I have to do for church.. I've been trying to take it easy and cut my work load. But I'm again faced with the fact that I have to work really hard for something that I'd really like to do - such as attending OM Teenstreet 2006. I really really really hope that my church leaders will let me go for that week. I'm excited about the stuff that's already started for TeenStreet 2006- the availability of a seemingly impossible venue has been one of the greatest barrier that has been overcome and it is only June! 6 more months to TeenStreet!!!

On another note, though tiring, it's been a rather good weekend. I've had opportunities to connect with people and to build friendships. It started with yesterday morning when I auditioned a form one guy for drums. Made conversations with another friend who I've not talked to for a while during lunch and it was really good. Got to talking with one of a long time worship singer and just shared struggles with work and studies. Also talked to another form 5 girl about SPM and about life in the afternoon as well. Also managed to catch up with a fellow worship leader and just to find out what's going on in his life. Then caught up with my dad - who was surprisingly at home instead of Camerons.

This morning, I caught up(very briefly) with another friend who's headed to the mission field for the next month, then made conversations with someone I made friends with 10 years ago but have left the church after he married. It was good to meet up with him again. Got to talking with another worship leader and with DT and catching up with her as well. Am also contemplating taking some vocal lessons from her. Oh well - that's still in contemplation stage. Last but not least, I caught up with 3 other of my service team mates from OM Teenstreet during our reunion this afternoon. We had a great time of catching up with one another - what's going on in each other's lives -alongside with food and drinks. It was great to see Foo Seng and Jin Ai and their 2 month old baby. It was great to see the Val and Ken and Pari too and just to have fellowship with them and to share life stories.

*phew*.... I'm glad I finally finished this entry. It's been a rather long day and i'm just tired d. Another long day ahead tomorrow too. :P

Dear God,
Thank you for friendships and all the people you've placed in my life. Thank you for the restful sleep that i'm about to partake. Good nite...

Spirit to catch up with my body

"We are giving time for our spirits to catch up with our bodies." - saying by Indian guides.

I was reminded of this phrase just yesterday when I came across it in an online journal. I first heard this when I attended a conference at Ps Elisha's church some time ago.

How apt this phrase is for me at the moment! It's been a long week of morning, afternoon and evening of Old Testament Intro. The classes are good - but it still feels like it's been a loooonnnnnggg week... Feel like my spirit really needs to catch up with my body! There's just so much that needs to be absorbed and to go through though. Classes officially starts next week and I foresee taking a week or two to really settle down... So much for my initial plans - am reminded of another saying - "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry". :)

Oh God - help me to continually lean on You and not go ahead of You.

OT intro

Classes has officially started today (Yesterday was 'quiet day' where someone came to speak and we were supposed to do reflections).

As our lecturer for Old Testament Introduction has been sick and our replacement lecturer is due overseas next week, we are having intensive replacement class for the subject before he leaves. This morning we studied the great ancient civilizations - the Egyptian, Aramean and Assyrian civilization. It has been a rather fascinating to learn about the context of Israel in the light of these civilizations. What has struck me the most is God's timing and how God placed Israel where it was - it was just amazing to see the Old Testament within the bigger picture. I think I will never quite read OT the same way ever again. And I now understand a little bit more about God being - the Lord of hosts.

Night before the start of second semester at STM

Current feeling: Contented
Currently listening to: When You Believe (Prince of Egypt)

Am back in my room in STM. It's just absolutely fantastic to be back. Good to see faces that I didn't realised that I missed in the past four weeks.. In the girls dorm, everyone is just welcoming everyone back- it's nice.
Have looked at the timetable for the next week - it looks horrendously busy... So much for my plans to go out for a movie. *sigh* It'll have to be postponed for now. Nevertheless, I am anticipating the new semester and wondering at what I'm going to learn - just can't wait (I'll prolly regret saying this when the assignments start)!!!!! Am just savouring the moment.*contented sigh*



Dear God,
Thank You for Your blessings - for putting me here in STM to study and grow. Most of all, thank You for the blessing of friends around me and ppl in STM community.

Happy Belated Birthday Sherman!

I know that this post comes a day late, but some things just should not be left unsaid (anyways knowing you, the lateness of this post prolly bothers me more than it does you - if it does at all :) ). I'm writing this to express all that I couldn't in the sms.

To my friend Sherman,
Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a great friend. Though I've only known you for less than half a year, you've already impacted my life more than some people that I've known for years. You've accepted me for who I am and I'm thankful -cos I've learnt what it is not to have to wear a mask and know that I'll be loved for who I am anyways, warts and all.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a teacher. Though you're not exactly my lecturer -yet you've challenged my views on life in many ways and have caused me to re-examine and consolidate my thoughts. "Objectify-ing", "' I- it'ing", "'I-thou'-ing", "embodiment", "friend of God", "journeying together", "brokenness", "dignify-ing", etc... are stuff that you've taught me in the past few months that I'm quite sure I'll be carrying with me for the rest of my life.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a big brother. Your care and concern for the three of us have not gone unnoticed and unappreciated. The ice-cream sessions, going out for food, movies, hanging out at your place and studying together have been very much treasured (especially the ice creams -hehehe).

Happy Belated Birthday - yes, age should be just a number... when we look at you, we don't look at you as a 30 year old *cheeky grin*. Rather - we see you as a friend, teacher and big brother. You being you have been a great blessing to me and those around you. Thank you.

Holiday reflection and highlights

Current feeling: Sleepy/longing to go home and spend time with family/reflective/can't wait to go back to STM and settle down for the new semester

Am back in the office again after a fantastic week-long holiday. Didn't go anywhere exotic or different, but because of the company I had, it was definitely one of the best breaks/holidays that I had. :)

Cameron Highlands holiday highlight
The tea times at Boh plantation and Cameron Valley - just sitting with my friends and just talking and kidding around.
Visit to OA village with dad and oli, dan and sk.
SK's message on Trinity.
Seeing dad through sk's and dan's eyes - learnt to love dad more.
The guys wrestling in the middle of the night - that was just super hillarious.

JB highlights
Meeting dan's family - felt really at home in his place (like home away from home). His family is so nice and similar to mine(except for our dads)..
Eating supper with dan's family at their longtime family fav place near the seaside facing singapore....
Lunch at Victor's - had fried sardine balls for lunch with curry and rice for the first time - it was yummy.
Eating ice kacang 'up on a tree' with jacob, his gf, ben and dan
Having breakfast with lucy and dan - eating half boiled eggs and bread.. Yummy!


Singapore highlights and comments
Major highlight was meeting up with my closest cousin sherene. Was there for under under 24 hours but every moment spent with her was precious. It was just like good old times where we just have so much to share with each other and how God seems to be teaching us the same lessons at the same time. As usual, parting was not easy.

Comments on Singapore: Don't think I would want to live there in the long term. Though it reminded me of Melbourne (the home of my heart), there was just too many people around. After being conditioned to living in Seremban, living in kl already takes some adjustment. Singapore life is just so crazy where everyone is just so BUSY and RUSHED. *shudder* Nevertheless, it was just good to go for a day - the most I think I can take is prolly one week to visit friends.

Additionals
Learnt to watch world cup - though I'm not exactly a soccer fan. But dan's patient explanation of the rules and stuff helps in understanding the game.

Dear God,
Thanks heaps for the awesome holiday and awesome friends. After all, all good things come from you. I'm truly grateful.

Checking in and checking out

Am in JB rite now at a friend's house - just came back from a great holiday trip with my friends. Had a great time sleeping, eating, chatting (we did a lot) and laughing, drinking tea, watching dvds and football matches.

Lots to think about and learnt a lot of things - about myself and learnt to appreciate my dad a whole lot more than I used to. :)

okies... checking out now. Am tired and want to have a shower and hang out wiht my friend's family which reminds me a lot of mine.. heheh.

Some thoughts for today

I think my mind's turning into mush.. I was mid-way reflecting on something this morning and half way through, I lost my train of thought! :P It's must be because of editing the songbook for church - tiring, repetitive and tedious work... Thank God I'm almost done! Another 100+ songs to go and I'm DONE!!! - well I have the indexing to do - but it's easy peasy compared to the editing bit. I salute editors who do this kind of job everyday... My poor eyes are protesting from staring intently at the screen for hours at the time for the third week in a row now...

Speaking of tiredness, I'm really looking forward for the holiday with my friends!! A break is going to be very much needed after these 3 weeks and the past few months of working hard. My body is feeling like it's gonna get sick soon. *grimace* Uncle Sam seems to have this sadistic pleasure in stacking more stuff on top of my desk for me to go through or to distribute in the past few days.. :P Everytime when I think that I've cleared the pile, more arrives on my desk-AARrrgghhhh!! Add Uncle LD's request to the list.. *die*

Other than my goals to complete the songbook, I've thankfully managed to look through some materials for Christmas and at least came out with one material with gramps and DT (Had a great time having 'girl-talk' over lunch with her today*grin*). Managed to catch up with a couple of ppl - but not as many as I'd hope. SA's gone for a mission conference in Singapore and things seems to be quieter around here without her...*sigh*

Ok - back to the editing - still have another 30 songs or so to go for today. *grimace* God please refresh my poor eyes.

Following You

I'm desperate for You today
I'm weary with the problems that I see around me
I want to give up struggling, I want to give up fighting
I just want to break down and cry
For those who are hurting, for those who are lost and need You
The day is only half way through and I already feel exhausted
Please be my strength for another day - for today

I say this with apprehension and fear
Knowing nonetheless that Your ways are always better than mine
"Guide me and lead me today - I'll follow where You lead"
Trusting that You'll provide strength along the way
Trusting that even if it gets harder
You love me - and that is enough

Redeemed

My eyes are fatigued from staring at the screen the whole day. Am still in the office-have just decided to take a break and take pity on my poor eyes(I can type my thoughts out with my eyes closed) that has been staring at the screen most of the day.
Jazz music's playing in the background. Quite soothing. :)

Have been reading this book called 'Atonement Child' which addressed the issue of abortion in fiction form. The brings to life the struggle that women goes through when they decide to abort a child. The main story is about a girl who was raped and became pregnant and the choices that she had to make and how her circumstances affected her family - especially her mother and her grandmother who went through abortion for different reasons and the pain they felt after.

One thing that sticks out after reading the book is the word 'Redemption'. Never realised how beautiful the word is....
I am blown away by the fact that I am redeemed by God...
Against all reason and human comprehension- I am redeemed..

Offering

Paul Baloche

The sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
There is no shadow in Your presence
No mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
Before the holy one of heaven

Pre-Chorus
It's only by Your blood
And it's only through Your mercy, Lord I come

CHORUS
I bring an offering of worship to my king
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus, may You receive the honor that You're due
O Lord I bring an offering to You

You Are...

You are my Best Friend
You are my Father
You are my God
You are my Lord
You are my Saviour
You are my Redeemer
You are the Lover of my Soul
You are my Help in time of need
You are my Strong Tower
You are my Rock
You are my all in all....

Starbucks and Used teabags, Mee Rebus and Oranges

It's been a good tiring weekend. On Sunday, it was fantastic to hang out with friends - communing in church, lunching together, discussion for Cross Gen camp, movie (X-Men rocked) and fellowship over dinner.

Yesterday was another awesome day. I'm especially glad to meet up with a dear and wise friend. I've come to realise how it's indeed good to have him and my mum around to give wise counsel. Anyways, I met up with this friend at Starbucks and had great conversation over great coffee. I was challenged by his heart for the poor and the oppressed. I still remember the story of how they were struggling with the loss of a boy in their community that they're living among and ministering to and how much he meant to them. I was amazed when he said of how terribly they are treated - even when they're given stuff... He's seen ppl give 'used teabags' and how much people are calculative when they 'help the poor'. I won't be able to blog about how much he's helping the community he's with and the struggles that he faces in detail. But his life amazes me. I appreciated his openness to share his brokeness with us. I thank God for people such as him in my life to continually challenge me.

Time passed by so swiftly when we were with him... Could have sat there for hours to listen to his stories and his life experience. Went to another friend's house for some fantastic mee rebus (there were chicken and beef!) and there was yummy barley drink...

Went to visit a friend at the hospital after that, and a friend brought oranges (which sue ann was eye-ing shamelessly) hehhe... It was good to see people in Cross Gen congregate in that room and show care and concern for a sister in Christ. :) Am glad to see how people are taking initiative to have fellowship with one another within cross gen - popiah parties get together, board game get together, ice cream get together, baking parties get together, mee rebus get togethers, etc... Am excited to see what God is doing in our midst.

Grace

The thought came to me...
Why did You pick me?
Why did You choose to love me?
When I look inside
There seems to be so much that is in want
So much that is flawed
So much that is broken
So much that is unlovable

And yet...
You died for me
You came and met me where I was
You love me and saved me
From a life of utter hopelessness
You healed my wounds
You still do today
You show me the beauty of things
In the midst of a broken world

Your grace amazes me
My heart is filled with awe and wonder
Of Your love for me
Your love that is unfathomable
It's way beyond my comprehension
Tears of flows down
I'm amazed and left speechless

This week

I have been back in the office for a week now. It's been a long week in some ways and yet short in others. I wish that time would be slower, so I could finish the songbook and then have a good holiday with my friends in couple of week's time. On the other hand, I wish that time would fly, so I could hang out with my friends again-I miss them heaps. (heheh- what a contrary creature I am sometimes).

After being back here for a week, I've discovered that being here once a week is vastly different from being here almost everyday. I've needed to re-adjust to being in the office everyday again. I realised that I miss the greenery in STM and my friends especially. Other than my family,I don't get much interaction with friends. Everyone seems to be busy with their own life (I suppose that I'm at fault as well - the need to get this songbook done does bring out an unsociable side of me). Am also reacquanting myself with the late(r) hours I use to keep here and the frequency of which I used to stay over - more so than my own home. I'm envisioning camping out here next week so that I can finish the songbook on time. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss sports time in STM too. I've been itching to play basketball. It's been ages! Maybe I could go and practice at the sports centre upstairs - but no fun without friends.

Ok- enough with the pity party. One good side of being back is the GOOD FOOD. I'm sure that I've put on some weight since coming back home. Have been eating mum's bah kut teh and other home cooked meals, garlic cheese naan (my fav!) at Roti & Rice, I also had lunch with a colleague and was treated to lamb shanks and the works and today we had staff lunch and we had pizzas AND KFC chicken.... Seriously, how not to put on weight??? :P Added to that, I'm sitting on my butt in the office the whole day....So different from life in STM...

Another 'up' side is I do have one or two evenings to chill out with my mum to watch tv - at least got to see the season finale of American Idol. Was dissapointed that Katherine lost but I think that Taylor deserved it in the end cos he did really well for his last performance.
I've had more time to read other kinds of books. Have been reading a few short mysteries and a few christian novels. Started to read a theology book a friend recommended but am just too tired at night to read heavier stuff at the moment... Brain cannot take it on top of the other stuff that I have on my mind.

A lot of reflections have been going on - some I'm still wrestling with. Some days my head feels heavy with the thoughts that runs through my head. One thing that I was contemplating was about the importance of what I say. I have been rather bewildered by a friend's action from church this week. I'm amazed at the hurtful things that can come out from someone who professes to be a Christian - I know Christians are not perfect people - especially not me. I hope that I'm not like that and if I happen to say things that have hurt others, I hope that I have true friends who will hit me on the head when I do it. I cringe and shudder at the damages caused. My heart just weeps.

On the other hand, I'm glad for friends who speaks encouragement into my life in whatever way. Sometimes, just when the day seems as bleak as night, God sends friends who cheers me up and lift me up. Their words are like a ray of light in a bleak world and like a balm to a hurting wound.

Hmmm.... I think that's all I have to blog for now... My eyes are feeling really bleary from staring at the computer the whole day. They're screaming for a break already.

End of semester reflections

Semester 1 is officially over - the occasion was marked with a wonderful closing service yesterday. The past weeks have been rather crazy - rushing to finish assignments, preparations for exams, packing, tying up odds and ends, trying to spend whatever time left with friends who will be graduating.

As I sit here in the quiet of my church office, I'm beginning to feel the after-effects of being back for the next few weeks. I already miss the community life that I've been accustomed to for the past 5 months. I miss my friends especially (2 of which have just left me here in church about half an hour ago) and can't wait to see them again - at least I'll be seeing two of them next weekend - and am already looking forward to see them again... *SIGH*

As I look back at my time in STM, I've come to realise how much I've grown.. My life has been enriched by many friends - whom I've come to love heaps. I've learnt many lessons - in and out of class. I continually testify to God's sustaining grace - with all the hours of sleep (or rather - lack of sleep) that I keep, I'm amazed that I'm still standing and healthy. I'm amazed that I made it through the semester despite my weaknesses and struggles. On top of that, I'm amazed that I'm doing ok academically - better than I expected(then again, with the time limit that I have, I just expected to just pass my subjects). I'm amazed that I completed my assignments (I've come to realise that I have some serious mental blocks when it comes to assignments that I really need to work on or else I'm just going to die the next semester with the heavier hours).

I will sorely miss Victor the next semester. He has been a great big brother to me and to many others. I will miss the teh tarik sessions of sharing stories with him. One of the things that I'll miss most is that he usually takes me out for great Indian food and encourages me to try new Indian food stuff and patiently explaining to me about them. When we're doing our steward group duty, he gives great advice about what to do and not to do and why... I will miss his patience and understanding with me.

Dear God,
Thank You for this semester and the lessons learnt. Thank you again and again for the many friends that you've placed in my life. Thank You for Daniel, Oliver and Sherman who have blessed me tremendously with their friendship. They've taught me so much about what it means to be friends with You.
Thank You for Jacob who shows his cares and concern for me in many ways. Thank You for Victor, Gerrad, Guna and Jegan who takes me out for teh tarik sessions with them and for the stories that we share. Thank You for Silvester who brings a little bit more colour to life in STM and who is a great friend to me as we share our struggles with our assignments and encourage each other throughout semester.
Thank You for Lee Yng and Lucy- my closest girl friends in STM who I pray together with. Thank You for their support and for their sisterhood.
Thank You for the many others, though I may not know them that well, they've blessed me in many small ways and have made living in STM colourful and wonderful.
Thank You for the lecturers who have dedicated their lives to mold us. I have learnt a lot from many of them.
Thank You Thank You Thank You.

I love You heaps...

Giving my best

Am supposed to be doing some reflections for Christian Spirituality - but got sidetracked by this nice song by GMB "Kuberi yang terbaik"(*sigh* I have to learn to be more focused) and have decided to some reflection on it instead.

I hear many times about giving my best to God. It is preached over the pulpit - and there is so much about giving our best.
I find myself asking, what does it mean by giving my best to God... Is there a boundary? At what cost and by what and whose standard? In what form does it come? I look at my own life that seems to be full of activities and things to do. Many times I do it because I want to give my best - my best years, my talents and abilities - for God. But does if I've got lots of abilities and so little time, how do i give my best and at what cost? Is it at the cost of time with my family, my health, my studies, my rest or fun time with friends? Where does one draw the line? There is an emphasis to give more than we can afford and when one does so, it is considered an act of faith. Where is the line between faith and foolishness?

I wonder....

Weekend entry

I'm back at STM again and am about to finish another assignment by tonight. It's been a long weekend as usual good in some ways and a struggle in others.

The past has a way of coming back and confronting you in many ways. Just this week, my uncle from Melbourne came back. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about him coming here. On one hand, I love him heaps and I know that he loves me and wants the best for me. On the other hand, our last few conversations over the phone have somehow ended with on a slightly sour-ish tinge - mostly because of his ideas of 'a better future' for me clashes with mine and I guess he can't understand the path that I've decided to take (not surprising - a lot of people I'm close to can't understand either) and a few other factors. However, whatever time we had with him was great - and I was reminded of great memories of just hanging out with him in the evenings and helping him with gadgets, talking to him about my aunt and cousin, about church, about gadgets or just watching documentaries or news with him. Realised how much I missed that part of my relationship with him.

I was also reminded about another uncle in my family - I was very close to him until he left for his studies in Australia... Am always saddened whenever I think about him. He is a very broken person - so broken that I wonder if he'll ever heal. I struggle with God and get rather melancholy whenever I remember him. Many times I wonder if our prayers for him will ever be answered.

On another note, in going back to church I find myself again in a very uncomfortable position. It feels like a clash of two worlds sometimes. I struggle with the things I'm learning here in STM and applying it in church. I struggle with the fact that it's hard for people to understand me as to where I'm coming from - then again, should that really matter to me? I continually ask myself, what is the Lord teaching me and what do I do with that? Am I meant to impart it or keep it to myself? If I'm meant to impart - how do I do so? Can I do so without being too lofty to be understood and too idealistic? Is it possible for me to bring them to the place of understanding that I find myself (then again... I'm still learning and internalising what I'm learning so I'm not 'there' yet and then again, I have a feeling that it'll be a long time before I get there - if I ever get there)... Or is it better that I keep quiet and keep my thoughts to myself?? If so, how do I respond when people ask me as to what I'm learning in STM? *sigh*

On a more positive note, my sister's graduation ceremony was today... Had to forgo it but we managed to take photos together. Am so proud and happy for her. :)

He gives and takes away

I went to that place again
Of confusion and wrestling with Him
The struggle of opening the palm of my hands
And giving Him the things that has been in my grasp
The gifts that He had given me
Was perhaps beginning to become more precious to me than Him

So when He asked if I'd give them back to Him
And did not promise to give me something better
Nor promise to give them back to me
I struggled and struggled
Till my soul was weary
And my heart felt bruised again

Slowly, my tightly clenched fists opened
And with palms upturned in surrender
I said to Him "You give and take away"
He in His grace said, "I love you, my child and friend
You may have them again"

With tears in my eyes
I looked at the gifts on my palms
And loved them and appreciated them more
Because they were truly gifts from Him
And they taught me again of His love for me

Food and fellowship

Lucy and Lee Yng - my prayer partners at STM

Had dinner with Lucy and Lee Yng- my prayer partners at STM... Had a great time of fellowship, sharing and praying together in the midst of our final week of classes. It was good just to take a short 'time out' of our assignments and stress and have good food together..

Our drinks - the coffee ice blended was really good. The other two had the toxic looking things - kiwi and carrot... eeewwww

Also went out for lunch with Silvester - another STM student here - had awesome nasi briyani and had a great time of fellowship with him and learning more about his story- about his wife, his calling and his family. I was very encouraged by his sharing and sad that we only had a short time of fellowship as we both had presentations to do after that - which I found out at midnite that I didn't have to do it in the first place cos I was auditing the subject... :P Good thing it's one of my favourite subject... However... Now I have to decide whether I want to do the assignment and change it to a credit subject.. *sigh* decisions, decisions...

Am glad that things are working out in certain areas of my life again - have been feeling rather disconnected cos of stress with assignments. I definitely need to work out something better for next semester - like start earlier!!! *sigh*.... and I should also be looking at my pile of work instead of blogging.... :P

Reflections and kids

Had a great time over the weekend - albeit it was rather tiring. Went for a camp in PD and was helping my mum out with the kids programme along with Oli and Sue Ann. Came back and collapsed for a few hours... While it was very 'action packed' and required a lot of planning, I had some opportunities to just sit and think through certain things - though it meant having to forgo time with friends that I really wanted to spend time with...

Reflecting on good memories
It was just great to be able to sit in the mornings(and evenings) and just gaze out into the ocean... I was just reminded about the times when I was in Melbourne and how I would just hop on to a tram and take a ride to St Kilda beach and just sit at the jetty for an hour - the cold wind blowing in my face, the sound of the ocean in my ears and just enjoying the vastness of the ocean - while I was just enjoying the warmth of my coat and how every once in a while I'd rub my hands together to get warmer.

I'd remember the times whe I'd just walk along Southbank (A river at the edge of Melbourne city)- just for the fun of it and just enjoy the scenery. It was one of the highlights of my time in Melbourne and it was just great to just walk alone (and yet not quite alone) and reflect and just conversing with God and appreciating the work of His hands.

I remember going to these places when I just wanted 'time out' - times when I was just depressed about life and when I had certain issues that I was struggling with and needed solitude time - when I needed something more than the solace that people provide.

So when I went to PD, while I had a great time with the kids, God knew how much I have been yearning for 'time out' - I've been suggesting to a friend that we could take a drive to PD just to go to have solitude time with God at the beach for a while now- even though it meant 5 mins or so sometimes. I know that God is everywhere, but for me, there's just something about bodies of water or nature and time with God..

Reflection about children

I've also realised that it's been a while since I've spent so much time with kids - the big ones at STM doesn't count *hehehe* - I think the last time was with the Christmas programme last December but even then it was different. Got to know some of them and I must say this about kids - they can be a rather handful at times, but they bring great joy(No. I am not brooding to have my own. I've decided a while ago, that I'd let God decide for me in this area). There is this air of innocence about them and they just say it as it is - if they don't like certain things, they just say it - and you just know where you stand with them.

I know many people who find children intimidating - and it does rather take some skill to bring them up. Nevertheless, I can't explain this clearly, but relating to them is very different from relating to someone your age or older - and in a way, I've learnt about how God relates to us as His children - very different from just being a friend... It reminded me that while I am learning a lot about friendships, God relates to us in very different ways and how He is indeed our all in all.

As I interacted with the children and thoroughly enjoyed them, the thought of children who don't have the security that these children have - those who go hungry, those who see violence everyday, those that are involved in prostitution for whatever reasons - passed through my mind... Though they may not realise it, the children that I was with are blessed - sure, they too have issues that they struggle with - but they are blessed nevertheless.

Hanging out with Sue Ann and short reflection on shopping
It was great to have Sue Ann there and it was a different way of spending time with her. It twas the first time we walked together on a beach while we shared our hearts and it was a first for us both to be serving together in a children's programme. We realise how different it is from serving together with the Cross gen ministry.

We also went shopping - am not fond of shopping - but she was telling me about how cheap these shirts were and I've been wanting to get some new tops anyways (They were all below RM10!!!). I bought 3 shirts that I'm pretty satisfied with. I also bought a necklace - I have a thing for certain types of necklaces.. (Sue Ann said - BLUE AGAIN?? *heheh*.. I would've gotten a purple one if they had any but those are harder to find.)

Anyways, while I was looking for a necklace, I was looking around and asking myself, "what makes it THE deciding factor for me?". I realised that many times, I have a perception of what something should be like and my preferences come into play.. Most of the time, I find that I buy stuff that meets or surpases those expectations.. I'm sure that more reflection can be done on this - but brain was tired d... The heat was a killer this afternoon too... :P

Sue Ann and I went for a ride to check out our upcoming Cross Gen camp site.. She was pretty excited about it when we saw the place.. I was quite impressed and we're both looking forward to the camp... We scoped the place twice and acted like a bunch of tourists. *hahaha*
She sent me back to STM and I showed her around the place - so she could get a 'visual' when I tell her stuff the next time... :)

All in all, it was another tiring but great weekend.

Be still and know that He is indeed God

Feel almost human again after almost 12 hours of sleep - not that i planned it.. Was reading on my bed (a bad habit of mine) and just fell asleep and just didn't get up till almost 8 this morning - upon which I jumped out of bed because I remembered that I was supposed to play the piano at chapel service at 8! I think Desmond(the worship leader) was getting somewhat worried... Nevertheless, it was a good time of worship singing and it was great to be in the same team as Lee Yng and Jacob - there is a connectedness between us as we worshipped together through our playing..

Have a test in less than an hour's time, church work to do, a stack of reflection to do, presentation preparation for next Wednesday, assignment due the following Monday and finals the following week, a letter to reply, people to catch up with(hehe - i feel exhausted again just listing it out)... Will be away over the weekend to help my mum along with Oli and Sue Ann with a children's programme and am praying that everything will turn out well - that the children will be blessed..

In the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, am trying my hardest to make sure that I have time with God - I guess that Dr Voon's challenge to us in class still sticks out in my head - If God is so important, why do we fail to spend time with Him in times of assignments and busy-ness?? Am SLOWLY learning that, somehow, He gives me the time that I think I need when I spend that time with Him.. Take for example, last week, when time seems to be a big issue and just didn't seem to have enough time to study Greek, took time out with God instead and still managed to get full marks for Greek - am still amazed and praise just overflows whenever I think about it.. I know that it's not a big thing compared to prayers answered by God in the 'big things' but it was a 'big thing' for me at the time... I seriously expected to not do well for that test..

Am continually just learning to learn to be still - those who know me, know how hard it can be for me just to sit still and just BE still... It's just worst when there's so MUCH to do.. I guess that this is what He's teaching me... Hope I'm learning it well...

It is finally finished

It is finally done!!! *jump for joy*
I can sleep....

Humor in the midst of seriousness and stress

Am getting rather fed up with this assignment that I have to complete - I cannot count how many times that I've wished that the thing would just write on its own..

I've been downright cranky, super exhausted, very displeased and disappointed with myself for not being able to finish it on Tuesday, humiliated by the fact that I even had to ask for an extension, on top of that got admonishments from two friends for different reasons [I know that both did it because they love me] and cried myself to sleep several times in the past few days. Many times, I've just felt like hiding myself under my blankets and not coming out EVER..

Despite it all, 'little' things have continued to push me on - encouragements from oli and doulos especially, prayers from my prayer partners, victor making breakfast a rather an interesting event this morning, constant 'discussions' with God about my assignment and now this latest development...

I've resolved that I'm just not going to sleep until I finish my asssignment tonight and to accomodate this, I'm studying in the girl's pantry (so that my bed is FAR away and won't tempt me no matter how tired I get). Somehow, it's turned into a 'internet cafe' (as the guys who pass by this way to get water dubs it) as somehow, there are two other girls here with me tonight... Quite funny actually - we make quite a sight with our laptops on the table that we usually dine on (Ok - it's just me and my sense of humour) - and I have no idea how this has come about..
I'm usually here alone - and it's just such an encouragement to me to have them here with me as I resolve to finish this... Makes my goal feels a whole lot more achievable and I don't feel so alone... Makes me want to cry again - for totally different reasons (I think I just need to sleep all this off soon).

Thank you God for all the things that help me to keep on going on... Please see me through this night as I wrestle to complete this assignment.

Reflection in the midst of tiredness

Am back in church.. Thought to just take some time out to just do a bit of reflection...
It's been a long week and I can't wait for Tuesday to come - when it's time to hand up the woman's ordination assignment... I think that all this lack of sleep is getting to me(sleeping between 4-6 hours is becoming somewhat of a norm..).. I find myself feeling slightly more sensitive and edgier this week - almost did something I regret yesterday and on hindsight, it's only by God's grace that I didn't.

Nevertheless, was reminded again and again how much I needed God this week and am thankful for the ways He has watched over me -through friends that struggle alongside with me this week through the assignment and the tests and through little stuff like by helping me to remember my Greek vocab(Am especially thankful of this as my brain blacked out on Thursday for my OTS test. I panicked for a bit- but I think I did ok in the end - but found out later that the cause of it was not just lack of sleep but something else that was totally unexpected *sigh*)...

Had a short interesting talk online with one of my favourite uncle who's not a Christian about my decision to study at bible school and what I'll be when I graduate.. Realised how hard it was to explain to him in a way that I don't sound like a nut to him and in a way that he'd understand... How does one explain that ambitions are not everything in a world that talks about goals and making YOUR own way in the world? How to explain that I've chosen to follow wherever God leads and that may mean not knowing where exactly I'm headed for now? This verse somehow spoke volumes...

1 Corinthians 1:18
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."


Dear Father,
You know my every worry - and that I seem to be doing more so this week - sometimes over the silliest things.. Help me to release them and entrust them to You...Thank You for reminding me that it is You who have brought me here and that you'll see me through this time. I love being back here in my church but I need You to sustain me today... In spite of my weaknesses, grant me the strength to be obedient to You today and a heart that worships You...

Life

Ok - so I'm breaking fast for now..

Life seems to be so complicated sometimes.. Just when you think everything's going fine.. It throws you a curve..
It's worse when your life is complicated and things gets more so...

I know this is seems gibberish but I just had to get that out...

Blog fast

Just thought I'd put this up for the next week or so...
It's assignments, exams/quizes, worship leading, worship ministry meeting preparations for these two weeks on top of other stuff... So I won't be able to blog unless I'm very very frustrated with something..

So, in essence, I'm fasting from blogging.. Will hopefully be back when the storm blows over...

A lesson of love - learning to let go

The little brother looked at his older sister with pleading eyes, "Why can't you understand that I have to make this choice? I want to make my own mistakes. Let me grow up... I've been protected all my life.. I need you to let me decide! I'm listening to you but I need you to respect me in this.. I’m serious.. " Conflict arose within her - the instinct to protect her little brother overwhelmed her.. Why couldn't he understand that she loved him and wanted him to be safe? Didn't he know the dangers that lied ahead in choosing that path? Why does he insist on being so foolish? Why WAS HE NOT LISTENING?? She felt like shaking him to make him see reason...

On the other hand, she felt his heartfelt plea resonate within her.. Hadn't she gone through the very thing that he was going through? That in the not so distant past, there was a time in her life when she felt the need to grow up and make her own choices - that being independent and growing up meant making mistakes on her own - warped though that reasoning was on hindsight…

"Ok" the words were wrenched from her – her heart felt pained... A big part of her didn't understand - perhaps didn't want to understand.. It felt like he trusted that man over her – but since it meant so much to him she would agree… Perhaps she could talk to the man instead…

The little brother looked at her “Good… I don’t want to argue with you anymore.. I love you”…

The next day, she went to talk to the man and understood why her little brother decided to make that decision.. When her little brother found out that she talked to the man, he asked her, “You talked to him?? Why did you talk to him??” “I didn’t promise that I wouldn’t talk to him – I promised not to argue with you about it” “I don’t want to talk about it anymore” When she saw the look on his face, her heart felt stabbed with pain, a slice of fear entered her heart – fear he would not forgive her somehow and not trust her anymore…

Throughout the afternoon, she walked around like a wounded person.. She saw a man and his child… His child was learning to walk... She saw the father letting go of his child and that the father let the child fall as he learnt to walk…

As she watched the scene, it suddenly dawned upon her.. She understood that her little brother truly loved her but needed her to let him make his own choices.. To let him fall so that he could learn to walk and let him pick himself up again - unless he asked her for help.. and that she needed to let him fall no matter how much it pained her to see him suffer.. And part of loving him was to let him fall… As she thought it further, she saw how great her brother's heart was - in chosing that path that he took and wanted to bless others - a part of her heart was proud of him and loved him more for who he was...

As she walked home – she hoped that their love for one another will somehow overcome this wedge that was between them…

Ps: In the end the little brother called her and they both mended their relationship with one another...

*grin* I love happy endings..

Time with God

Though a bit tired today, was reminded in class about listening to God and silence... Amazingly my brain absorbed what was being said and was reminded again about spending time with God in silence and stillness... I guess sometimes I do put work and things above Him...
Was really tired today for some reason - must be because I've been overdoing things somehow... Ended up sleeping through lunch, woke up and went for class and then went back to bed until dinner time.... Had a great time of just talking to God before I slept both times.. :)
Was reminded again of how much I really need Him and how much easier it is to let my worries go when I bring it to Him instead of dealing it on my own...

Today...

Have been and am busy trying to complete my Church History assignment. Am not as stressed out as I was with my parables assignment - so far...
It's also been good cos I've had been able to focus a bit more on the church history assignment than usual -especially yesterday and today.. Am just glad that I have my friends to study alongside with... Realise how crappy i am studying alone... My attention somehow wonders all over the place and I take forever to settle down..

Went to watch ice age today. It was pretty hilarious... The company that I went with was great - as usual... :) The possums really reminded me of them - I so cannot get over it.. :)

It was a rather good day...

Awesome weekend

Am back home in my second home - STM...
My Church History assignment and a pile of work is beckoning me...
My rather tired body is longing for a shower and bed...
My clothes and things are screaming to be sorted out....
At the same time, this weekend has been rather awesome in it's own way that I sooooo have to blog about it before the 'feeling' goes....

It's been a weekend where I've made new friends, met up with one that I haven't seen for a very long time along with my spiritual sister, had a close friend stay over at my house, and had dinner with another friend that I've met last week along with my family...

Saturday
Had a super busy day at church on Saturday at the office what with Good Friday and Easter coming up and worship leading this morning...
Had a wonderful time of fellowship and makan with my family, sk and Willow on Saturday evening... Mum really outdid herself - had coleslaw, lamb chops, roast chicken, potato salad!!
Willow was just so cute... :) It's funny, for me, we communicate to each other more than words (not surprising since she speaks Mandarin mostly and I almost cannot speak in Mandarin)... I cannot wait to see her again this weekend... Had an excellent talk with sk about ministry and friendship (our group's current favourite topic) until late...

Sunday
Then today, worship lead at church with Jason - am glad that I'm worship leading with him.. I've learnt a lot from him in the past year and I appreciate the teamwork that we have going.. It's quite funny as to how we're on the same wavelength when it comes to chosing songs sometimes..
Rushed home, packed and then went to CLGC where sk was suppose to speak.
It was good to be there to be a support and was just ministered to by God - he spoke on an issue that has been a struggle for me for quite a while now.. It felt rather weird having a person who is a friend as a preacher - a different perspective and somehow more relational..
It was also amazing as I think I stood on the same spot where God spoke to me at almost the very same spot when I was quite desolate a few years ago.. Coincidence? I think not..

Met sk's friends - Irene and Doulos.. It was good to meet them... Ended up going out for lunch with Su-lin and Sue Ann.. Talking to Su-lin brought back a lot of memories - good ones... We had a time of deep sharing and it was definitely a god-thing... One last thing I must add- went to Swenson's and I really loved the Ice Blended Ice Cream - almost can taste the bitter sweet taste of coffee and ice cream -yummy..

Thank You God for today... Can't express fully the joy I feel in my heart - but You know d.. Thank You for Your blessing of friendship - for Yours and the many that you've put in my life. Am humbled by You once again...