He gives and takes away

I went to that place again
Of confusion and wrestling with Him
The struggle of opening the palm of my hands
And giving Him the things that has been in my grasp
The gifts that He had given me
Was perhaps beginning to become more precious to me than Him

So when He asked if I'd give them back to Him
And did not promise to give me something better
Nor promise to give them back to me
I struggled and struggled
Till my soul was weary
And my heart felt bruised again

Slowly, my tightly clenched fists opened
And with palms upturned in surrender
I said to Him "You give and take away"
He in His grace said, "I love you, my child and friend
You may have them again"

With tears in my eyes
I looked at the gifts on my palms
And loved them and appreciated them more
Because they were truly gifts from Him
And they taught me again of His love for me

Food and fellowship

Lucy and Lee Yng - my prayer partners at STM

Had dinner with Lucy and Lee Yng- my prayer partners at STM... Had a great time of fellowship, sharing and praying together in the midst of our final week of classes. It was good just to take a short 'time out' of our assignments and stress and have good food together..

Our drinks - the coffee ice blended was really good. The other two had the toxic looking things - kiwi and carrot... eeewwww

Also went out for lunch with Silvester - another STM student here - had awesome nasi briyani and had a great time of fellowship with him and learning more about his story- about his wife, his calling and his family. I was very encouraged by his sharing and sad that we only had a short time of fellowship as we both had presentations to do after that - which I found out at midnite that I didn't have to do it in the first place cos I was auditing the subject... :P Good thing it's one of my favourite subject... However... Now I have to decide whether I want to do the assignment and change it to a credit subject.. *sigh* decisions, decisions...

Am glad that things are working out in certain areas of my life again - have been feeling rather disconnected cos of stress with assignments. I definitely need to work out something better for next semester - like start earlier!!! *sigh*.... and I should also be looking at my pile of work instead of blogging.... :P

Reflections and kids

Had a great time over the weekend - albeit it was rather tiring. Went for a camp in PD and was helping my mum out with the kids programme along with Oli and Sue Ann. Came back and collapsed for a few hours... While it was very 'action packed' and required a lot of planning, I had some opportunities to just sit and think through certain things - though it meant having to forgo time with friends that I really wanted to spend time with...

Reflecting on good memories
It was just great to be able to sit in the mornings(and evenings) and just gaze out into the ocean... I was just reminded about the times when I was in Melbourne and how I would just hop on to a tram and take a ride to St Kilda beach and just sit at the jetty for an hour - the cold wind blowing in my face, the sound of the ocean in my ears and just enjoying the vastness of the ocean - while I was just enjoying the warmth of my coat and how every once in a while I'd rub my hands together to get warmer.

I'd remember the times whe I'd just walk along Southbank (A river at the edge of Melbourne city)- just for the fun of it and just enjoy the scenery. It was one of the highlights of my time in Melbourne and it was just great to just walk alone (and yet not quite alone) and reflect and just conversing with God and appreciating the work of His hands.

I remember going to these places when I just wanted 'time out' - times when I was just depressed about life and when I had certain issues that I was struggling with and needed solitude time - when I needed something more than the solace that people provide.

So when I went to PD, while I had a great time with the kids, God knew how much I have been yearning for 'time out' - I've been suggesting to a friend that we could take a drive to PD just to go to have solitude time with God at the beach for a while now- even though it meant 5 mins or so sometimes. I know that God is everywhere, but for me, there's just something about bodies of water or nature and time with God..

Reflection about children

I've also realised that it's been a while since I've spent so much time with kids - the big ones at STM doesn't count *hehehe* - I think the last time was with the Christmas programme last December but even then it was different. Got to know some of them and I must say this about kids - they can be a rather handful at times, but they bring great joy(No. I am not brooding to have my own. I've decided a while ago, that I'd let God decide for me in this area). There is this air of innocence about them and they just say it as it is - if they don't like certain things, they just say it - and you just know where you stand with them.

I know many people who find children intimidating - and it does rather take some skill to bring them up. Nevertheless, I can't explain this clearly, but relating to them is very different from relating to someone your age or older - and in a way, I've learnt about how God relates to us as His children - very different from just being a friend... It reminded me that while I am learning a lot about friendships, God relates to us in very different ways and how He is indeed our all in all.

As I interacted with the children and thoroughly enjoyed them, the thought of children who don't have the security that these children have - those who go hungry, those who see violence everyday, those that are involved in prostitution for whatever reasons - passed through my mind... Though they may not realise it, the children that I was with are blessed - sure, they too have issues that they struggle with - but they are blessed nevertheless.

Hanging out with Sue Ann and short reflection on shopping
It was great to have Sue Ann there and it was a different way of spending time with her. It twas the first time we walked together on a beach while we shared our hearts and it was a first for us both to be serving together in a children's programme. We realise how different it is from serving together with the Cross gen ministry.

We also went shopping - am not fond of shopping - but she was telling me about how cheap these shirts were and I've been wanting to get some new tops anyways (They were all below RM10!!!). I bought 3 shirts that I'm pretty satisfied with. I also bought a necklace - I have a thing for certain types of necklaces.. (Sue Ann said - BLUE AGAIN?? *heheh*.. I would've gotten a purple one if they had any but those are harder to find.)

Anyways, while I was looking for a necklace, I was looking around and asking myself, "what makes it THE deciding factor for me?". I realised that many times, I have a perception of what something should be like and my preferences come into play.. Most of the time, I find that I buy stuff that meets or surpases those expectations.. I'm sure that more reflection can be done on this - but brain was tired d... The heat was a killer this afternoon too... :P

Sue Ann and I went for a ride to check out our upcoming Cross Gen camp site.. She was pretty excited about it when we saw the place.. I was quite impressed and we're both looking forward to the camp... We scoped the place twice and acted like a bunch of tourists. *hahaha*
She sent me back to STM and I showed her around the place - so she could get a 'visual' when I tell her stuff the next time... :)

All in all, it was another tiring but great weekend.

Be still and know that He is indeed God

Feel almost human again after almost 12 hours of sleep - not that i planned it.. Was reading on my bed (a bad habit of mine) and just fell asleep and just didn't get up till almost 8 this morning - upon which I jumped out of bed because I remembered that I was supposed to play the piano at chapel service at 8! I think Desmond(the worship leader) was getting somewhat worried... Nevertheless, it was a good time of worship singing and it was great to be in the same team as Lee Yng and Jacob - there is a connectedness between us as we worshipped together through our playing..

Have a test in less than an hour's time, church work to do, a stack of reflection to do, presentation preparation for next Wednesday, assignment due the following Monday and finals the following week, a letter to reply, people to catch up with(hehe - i feel exhausted again just listing it out)... Will be away over the weekend to help my mum along with Oli and Sue Ann with a children's programme and am praying that everything will turn out well - that the children will be blessed..

In the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, am trying my hardest to make sure that I have time with God - I guess that Dr Voon's challenge to us in class still sticks out in my head - If God is so important, why do we fail to spend time with Him in times of assignments and busy-ness?? Am SLOWLY learning that, somehow, He gives me the time that I think I need when I spend that time with Him.. Take for example, last week, when time seems to be a big issue and just didn't seem to have enough time to study Greek, took time out with God instead and still managed to get full marks for Greek - am still amazed and praise just overflows whenever I think about it.. I know that it's not a big thing compared to prayers answered by God in the 'big things' but it was a 'big thing' for me at the time... I seriously expected to not do well for that test..

Am continually just learning to learn to be still - those who know me, know how hard it can be for me just to sit still and just BE still... It's just worst when there's so MUCH to do.. I guess that this is what He's teaching me... Hope I'm learning it well...

It is finally finished

It is finally done!!! *jump for joy*
I can sleep....

Humor in the midst of seriousness and stress

Am getting rather fed up with this assignment that I have to complete - I cannot count how many times that I've wished that the thing would just write on its own..

I've been downright cranky, super exhausted, very displeased and disappointed with myself for not being able to finish it on Tuesday, humiliated by the fact that I even had to ask for an extension, on top of that got admonishments from two friends for different reasons [I know that both did it because they love me] and cried myself to sleep several times in the past few days. Many times, I've just felt like hiding myself under my blankets and not coming out EVER..

Despite it all, 'little' things have continued to push me on - encouragements from oli and doulos especially, prayers from my prayer partners, victor making breakfast a rather an interesting event this morning, constant 'discussions' with God about my assignment and now this latest development...

I've resolved that I'm just not going to sleep until I finish my asssignment tonight and to accomodate this, I'm studying in the girl's pantry (so that my bed is FAR away and won't tempt me no matter how tired I get). Somehow, it's turned into a 'internet cafe' (as the guys who pass by this way to get water dubs it) as somehow, there are two other girls here with me tonight... Quite funny actually - we make quite a sight with our laptops on the table that we usually dine on (Ok - it's just me and my sense of humour) - and I have no idea how this has come about..
I'm usually here alone - and it's just such an encouragement to me to have them here with me as I resolve to finish this... Makes my goal feels a whole lot more achievable and I don't feel so alone... Makes me want to cry again - for totally different reasons (I think I just need to sleep all this off soon).

Thank you God for all the things that help me to keep on going on... Please see me through this night as I wrestle to complete this assignment.

Reflection in the midst of tiredness

Am back in church.. Thought to just take some time out to just do a bit of reflection...
It's been a long week and I can't wait for Tuesday to come - when it's time to hand up the woman's ordination assignment... I think that all this lack of sleep is getting to me(sleeping between 4-6 hours is becoming somewhat of a norm..).. I find myself feeling slightly more sensitive and edgier this week - almost did something I regret yesterday and on hindsight, it's only by God's grace that I didn't.

Nevertheless, was reminded again and again how much I needed God this week and am thankful for the ways He has watched over me -through friends that struggle alongside with me this week through the assignment and the tests and through little stuff like by helping me to remember my Greek vocab(Am especially thankful of this as my brain blacked out on Thursday for my OTS test. I panicked for a bit- but I think I did ok in the end - but found out later that the cause of it was not just lack of sleep but something else that was totally unexpected *sigh*)...

Had a short interesting talk online with one of my favourite uncle who's not a Christian about my decision to study at bible school and what I'll be when I graduate.. Realised how hard it was to explain to him in a way that I don't sound like a nut to him and in a way that he'd understand... How does one explain that ambitions are not everything in a world that talks about goals and making YOUR own way in the world? How to explain that I've chosen to follow wherever God leads and that may mean not knowing where exactly I'm headed for now? This verse somehow spoke volumes...

1 Corinthians 1:18
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."


Dear Father,
You know my every worry - and that I seem to be doing more so this week - sometimes over the silliest things.. Help me to release them and entrust them to You...Thank You for reminding me that it is You who have brought me here and that you'll see me through this time. I love being back here in my church but I need You to sustain me today... In spite of my weaknesses, grant me the strength to be obedient to You today and a heart that worships You...

Life

Ok - so I'm breaking fast for now..

Life seems to be so complicated sometimes.. Just when you think everything's going fine.. It throws you a curve..
It's worse when your life is complicated and things gets more so...

I know this is seems gibberish but I just had to get that out...

Blog fast

Just thought I'd put this up for the next week or so...
It's assignments, exams/quizes, worship leading, worship ministry meeting preparations for these two weeks on top of other stuff... So I won't be able to blog unless I'm very very frustrated with something..

So, in essence, I'm fasting from blogging.. Will hopefully be back when the storm blows over...

A lesson of love - learning to let go

The little brother looked at his older sister with pleading eyes, "Why can't you understand that I have to make this choice? I want to make my own mistakes. Let me grow up... I've been protected all my life.. I need you to let me decide! I'm listening to you but I need you to respect me in this.. I’m serious.. " Conflict arose within her - the instinct to protect her little brother overwhelmed her.. Why couldn't he understand that she loved him and wanted him to be safe? Didn't he know the dangers that lied ahead in choosing that path? Why does he insist on being so foolish? Why WAS HE NOT LISTENING?? She felt like shaking him to make him see reason...

On the other hand, she felt his heartfelt plea resonate within her.. Hadn't she gone through the very thing that he was going through? That in the not so distant past, there was a time in her life when she felt the need to grow up and make her own choices - that being independent and growing up meant making mistakes on her own - warped though that reasoning was on hindsight…

"Ok" the words were wrenched from her – her heart felt pained... A big part of her didn't understand - perhaps didn't want to understand.. It felt like he trusted that man over her – but since it meant so much to him she would agree… Perhaps she could talk to the man instead…

The little brother looked at her “Good… I don’t want to argue with you anymore.. I love you”…

The next day, she went to talk to the man and understood why her little brother decided to make that decision.. When her little brother found out that she talked to the man, he asked her, “You talked to him?? Why did you talk to him??” “I didn’t promise that I wouldn’t talk to him – I promised not to argue with you about it” “I don’t want to talk about it anymore” When she saw the look on his face, her heart felt stabbed with pain, a slice of fear entered her heart – fear he would not forgive her somehow and not trust her anymore…

Throughout the afternoon, she walked around like a wounded person.. She saw a man and his child… His child was learning to walk... She saw the father letting go of his child and that the father let the child fall as he learnt to walk…

As she watched the scene, it suddenly dawned upon her.. She understood that her little brother truly loved her but needed her to let him make his own choices.. To let him fall so that he could learn to walk and let him pick himself up again - unless he asked her for help.. and that she needed to let him fall no matter how much it pained her to see him suffer.. And part of loving him was to let him fall… As she thought it further, she saw how great her brother's heart was - in chosing that path that he took and wanted to bless others - a part of her heart was proud of him and loved him more for who he was...

As she walked home – she hoped that their love for one another will somehow overcome this wedge that was between them…

Ps: In the end the little brother called her and they both mended their relationship with one another...

*grin* I love happy endings..

Time with God

Though a bit tired today, was reminded in class about listening to God and silence... Amazingly my brain absorbed what was being said and was reminded again about spending time with God in silence and stillness... I guess sometimes I do put work and things above Him...
Was really tired today for some reason - must be because I've been overdoing things somehow... Ended up sleeping through lunch, woke up and went for class and then went back to bed until dinner time.... Had a great time of just talking to God before I slept both times.. :)
Was reminded again of how much I really need Him and how much easier it is to let my worries go when I bring it to Him instead of dealing it on my own...

Today...

Have been and am busy trying to complete my Church History assignment. Am not as stressed out as I was with my parables assignment - so far...
It's also been good cos I've had been able to focus a bit more on the church history assignment than usual -especially yesterday and today.. Am just glad that I have my friends to study alongside with... Realise how crappy i am studying alone... My attention somehow wonders all over the place and I take forever to settle down..

Went to watch ice age today. It was pretty hilarious... The company that I went with was great - as usual... :) The possums really reminded me of them - I so cannot get over it.. :)

It was a rather good day...

Awesome weekend

Am back home in my second home - STM...
My Church History assignment and a pile of work is beckoning me...
My rather tired body is longing for a shower and bed...
My clothes and things are screaming to be sorted out....
At the same time, this weekend has been rather awesome in it's own way that I sooooo have to blog about it before the 'feeling' goes....

It's been a weekend where I've made new friends, met up with one that I haven't seen for a very long time along with my spiritual sister, had a close friend stay over at my house, and had dinner with another friend that I've met last week along with my family...

Saturday
Had a super busy day at church on Saturday at the office what with Good Friday and Easter coming up and worship leading this morning...
Had a wonderful time of fellowship and makan with my family, sk and Willow on Saturday evening... Mum really outdid herself - had coleslaw, lamb chops, roast chicken, potato salad!!
Willow was just so cute... :) It's funny, for me, we communicate to each other more than words (not surprising since she speaks Mandarin mostly and I almost cannot speak in Mandarin)... I cannot wait to see her again this weekend... Had an excellent talk with sk about ministry and friendship (our group's current favourite topic) until late...

Sunday
Then today, worship lead at church with Jason - am glad that I'm worship leading with him.. I've learnt a lot from him in the past year and I appreciate the teamwork that we have going.. It's quite funny as to how we're on the same wavelength when it comes to chosing songs sometimes..
Rushed home, packed and then went to CLGC where sk was suppose to speak.
It was good to be there to be a support and was just ministered to by God - he spoke on an issue that has been a struggle for me for quite a while now.. It felt rather weird having a person who is a friend as a preacher - a different perspective and somehow more relational..
It was also amazing as I think I stood on the same spot where God spoke to me at almost the very same spot when I was quite desolate a few years ago.. Coincidence? I think not..

Met sk's friends - Irene and Doulos.. It was good to meet them... Ended up going out for lunch with Su-lin and Sue Ann.. Talking to Su-lin brought back a lot of memories - good ones... We had a time of deep sharing and it was definitely a god-thing... One last thing I must add- went to Swenson's and I really loved the Ice Blended Ice Cream - almost can taste the bitter sweet taste of coffee and ice cream -yummy..

Thank You God for today... Can't express fully the joy I feel in my heart - but You know d.. Thank You for Your blessing of friendship - for Yours and the many that you've put in my life. Am humbled by You once again...

Friends...

As I sit here, I feel very rich - friendship wise...
I have been truly blessed with a core group of friends who challenge me, grow and learn with me and most precious of all - love me... This love that they show me liberates me to be comfortable with who I am and teach me to love myself in turn.. As I see them love me, though I may not comprehend it sometimes and am still learning to grasp it, I learn that there are parts of me that are worth loving... These past few months have been one of great learning - it's been rather hard going sometimes... But as I tell ppl who ask me on how I'm doing, I am truly grateful to God for my group of friends who support me when the going gets tough...

I am also grateful for other friends too - the many that care for me with their words of well-meaning advice, others whom I pray together with, those that share their struggles with me, those that I go out for teh tarik with, breakfast friends that eat half boiled eggs and bread or wan tan mee, that I play basketball with, that I just sit down and drink coffee with; my friends at church - who bear with my absence and lack of time; my friends overseas that make effort to stay in touch or read my blog to keep up with me - and bear with my lack of letter writing, and sends me emails when they think something is wrong; my family - especially my mother who has been the greatest friend of my life; the countless others who may not fit in the other categories above but are my friends nevertheless and have enriched my life in unexpected yet beautiful ways..

Thank You Father for my friends... They are truly a gift from You...

Ps: for those that want to read what I've been learning about true friendship, might be good to read Sherman's blog. It's really good - well at least I think so..

Interesting morning...

It's only 9.30 and already have an interesting morning... The main sanc is full - cos of the Peter Tsukahira's talk and several dramas have been going on - the complications of handling a church this size.. :P
Was also given a set of Bible references from Aunty Nancy for my studies.. Am so blown away by her generosity and just feel really blessed...

Ok - back to work.. My mind is plagued with a hundred and one things to do for the day and I think I better tackle them one by one(or better still 3 by 3 so I can go home earlier - *I wish*)..

Calm within and without

Am much better today... Am really touched by the care and concern shown by the different individuals in the STM community - Lucy gave me some pills and some hand massages; Lee Yng helped me to get notes (and Jacob too) and food along with my room mate; Oliver with much needed Milo to calm my churning stomach, and later went out with Daniel and Sherman to get me some chocolate; Victor and Gerrad for driving me out the night before to get bandage for my foot; Jacob also took me out for some soup along with Guna and Eisu; SMS of concern by different ppl - Oliver especially, Daniel, Jacob, Antho; John Yii's offer to take me to the clinic next time :) ; Charles and Jacob's attempt to get me to sleep early last nite; this morning Victor took me out for some much needed breakfast - just couldn't wake up earlier - and had great conversation with him over breakfast... Feel really loved.. :)

Also sorted out an issue that was plaguing me last nite. I'm glad it's been resolved - and there's now calm within.. I learnt a lot from it and again - I'm thank God for really great friends who loves and cares and at the same time, reflect God's love for me.

Ps: My sis brought home Baskin Robbins and there was midnite expresso (though the store ran out of cookies and cream) so it was the 'icing on the cake'. Yippee!

Expiring

Head - dizzy and woozy
Eyes - slightly dilated due to pain
Hands - shaky
Stomach - churning (and feel like throwing up whatever that's inside)
Back -aching like crazy
Legs - wobbly

Feel like I'm dying

Blessed Be Your Name

Just a couple of excerpts from my favourite song comes to mind..

"And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name"

"And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"

Used to wonder if I could say that when the time came.. It's hard - but am learning it..

It's been a tough day - not study wise, but in other ways..
Christian spirituality class was excellent - spending that 15 mins in the garden with God was just very enriching...

Had a splitting headache in the afternoon (the kind that you feel that you just wish someone would take a hammer and split your head open) and am still feeling the residues of it..
Had to miss my favourite class(Cross Cultural Missions) in the end - but I just couldn't get out of bed... :(

Am glad that I have good friends that are supporting me with prayers.. It's good to have people to share burdens with..

Short entry

Have nothing much to say today - except am in a turmoil over something and find myself needing to go to God for comfort and peace of mind.

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

© 2005 New Spring, a div. of Zomba Enterprises, Inc.

Tiredness...

There has been times many times when I've wondered if certain kinds of friendships are worth it - especially when one gets hurt and bleed so badly inside... I wonder again today...
As someone told me, maybe I'm just too naive... Or maybe it's that I'm too trusting - but isn't trust part of being a friend?? I think I'm just stupid - I just don't know... Am so tired of hurting..

This song ministers to me at this time..

Faithful One

Faithful One, so unchanging
Ageless One, You're my rock of peace
Lord of all, I depend on You

Bridge:
I call out to You
Again and again
I call out to You
Again and again

Chorus:
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up
When I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone

LLoooooooonnnnnnnnggggg day

Am feeling so tired - can't believe it's only 10.30pm... My brain's telling me that it's 2am or something for the last hour... It's been a long day - first with church service.. Can't believe how cheeky uncle Kam Weng was!! Targeting us like that.. Good thing he disappeared early - or else he'd have a whole Cross Gen mob going after him - especially those of us that were single and who were being kena'd by the uncles and aunties in church... :P

After service, had to do a bit of conflict resolution.. I hope that it works out -for the guy's sake..

After that, I had lunch with some of my Cross Gen's friends... It was great to hang out and catch up with them again - always have limited time to do so as I have to divide the time between worship ministry, family and Cross Gen (cross gen having to lose out at the moment).. So, to many of them, I've practically disappeared since I came to STM... :( Hope that something will work out there soon...

After that, we had AGM - it was super super long... then after that, had dinner with my family and then mum dropped me in Cheras and came back from there.. Am seriously zonked out at the moment... Better go get some sleep ..


Ps: I must say something about last nite's dinner - mum pulled out all the stops - hash browns, lamb chops, fried egg, bacon sausages, salad, tomatoes and onions! It was absolutely yummy!!
Also, must add this too - Oliver gave me a beautiful card... I really loved it. :)

Happy Birthday Liz!!!!

Hey Liz!! Just want to wish a very Happy Birthday!! Thank you for being a great friend to me... My life has been enriched by knowing you... I'll never forget the first time we met - remember that we were looking for our tute class in the ECR and we found out that we were in the same class??? All the times we were in the labs stressing out with our programming? Remember all the wacky times we had when Joseph was after you?? *hehe*

Also the times with Eric and Francis... all the laughter that we shared... I'll always remember your fondness for sandwiches and mandarin oranges for lunch and.. Red Roosters - you and your seasoned fries(I still cannot get over that!).. You always were/are a great listener... Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulders when I really needed one..

It just seems like yesterday when I left Melbourne - and yet - the years have flown by.. I miss you lots and treasure the phone calls - we'll keep on working on it this year ya - especially now that there's Skype.. :)

You are truly beautiful person both inside and out.. I wish you all the best for this year - for your new job and your relationship with Chris.. I pray too that you will continue to grow and mature in our Lord... Take care of yourself and don't stress out too much... Love you heaps girl!

Unexpected turns

Sometimes life throws you unexpected turns... I expected to be in Gopeng or Cameron Highlands this weekend. In the end that was cancelled... Ended up expecting to go from Seremban straight to church - that didn't quite work out the way I thought it would either..
I ended up going to Cheras for breakfast and Sentul(unexpectedly - I had a call while breakfast if I'd like to go there) before getting to church.. The timing was just 'kairos' - I just envision not being able to go if it was any other weekend... In this case, I cleared up most of my work last week and was not expected to be in church anyways- so it was easier for me to go...

It was absolutely fantastic to see Ps Elisha again... SA was invited to attend the conference on "Ministering to the poor" - a topic that is very close to Ps Elisha's heart. The speaker (who was from India) was very relational and it was very refreshing and was just very encouraged to be in a roomful of ppl who are passionate and are involved in ministering to the poor... Issues about community, the church, parachurch organisation as well as from a church members perspective were shared... Struggles were shared - it was indeed good to be there.. Had many food for thought - many issues to wrestle with... But will have to end here for now...

Note to self: Need to be more careful of staircases when I'm exhausted. Almost fell down the staircase when I was on my way to Sentul... and fell down in front of the church stairs and the bottom of my toe's bleeding and hurting *grimace*... God's angels must've been watching over me today as I landed on my bag which had my clothes... Also - thankfully - found my way from Cheras to Sentul without getting lost - which is somewhat of a miracle especially since I had no clue how to get there in the first place: just prayed that God will just lead the way - and He did!

Happy Birthday to Jan and Oliver!!!

Redeeming Love

Finally finished reading the book -"Redeeming Love" - this morning... It was really awesome... Totally forgot Sue Ann's advice to have tissues around me when I read the book. Was just crying my heart out this morning while reading the book... Was moved to get a glimpse of how God loves us so much - despite our brokeness and ugliness and especially - our unfaithfulness..
I think I will always love the book Hosea - it speaks to me about God's redeeming love for me in a very powerful way.... Got a glimpse of how hard it was for the prophet Hosea to go after his wife when she was unfaithful to him - and how he took her back anyways...

It brings to mind the time when I'd chosen to turn away from Him(I know this probably comes as a surprise to some) and the stupid stuff I did during that period. Despite everything, He sought me back and loved me -despite me making myself as unlovable as I could... God really showed how much He loved me through my mother - who never let me go and who never gave up on me. No matter how much I lashed out at her and hurt her during that time because I couldn't believed that I was worth loving anymore, she never gave stopped showing me that she loved me- when I know that many parents would have given up on their child... Am so humbled by God's love for me everytime I remember that time of my life. God's love spoke really strongly to me through the book this morning once again...
One interesting quote that really stuck out in my head from the book was "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heaven" - Milton.

Speaking about love stories, was privileged to hear a love story(am such a sucker for these kinds of stories) of a fellow STM friend this morning as he's not the kind of person to share this with everyone. Am blessed to know him... He sorta reminds me a bit of my big bro in Australia - whom I'm very fond of... Looks like I'll be attending another wedding in August...

Dear God,
Thank You for this great day so far... Thank You for Your great love for me... You are super awesome and I love You so much...

Insights

It's been a long day... Am feeling exhausted and am rather reluctant to blog anything at the moment - I would rather be in my bed and be wrapped up in the book that I'm currently reading and have an early night - I'm just that exhausted. However, something happened this afternoon that I feel I should 'capture' the moment before I do all that. I know I'll lose it if I wait until tomorrow to blog about it.

Had a good talk with one of the lecturers here about something that's been bugging me for many years now and I now have a better insight of myself as a result. Two blind spots came to light. Funny how I never saw it before - what I once thought were my greatest weakness were viewed by her as strengths (I'm still amazed by that)... Also saw how I never had closure in an area and how it's been affecting me a lot lately. In my head, I've let it go many years ago but I've come to realise that I've not let it go in my heart. I learnt to give it to God today-by His grace, I realise that He's been preparing in the past few weeks for this and it would've have been so much worst otherwise... Letting go what is precious to you is always hard.

Out of this, I am finally able to truly say to Him "You give and take away - Blessed be Your Name"

Random stuff

So much on my mind - yet can't get it out at the moment.. Will do a random thingo..

• Currently reading: Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love - a retelling of the book of Hosea and recommended by Sue Ann.. Really love what I've read so far
• Planning for Oliver's and Jan's birthday: Hope everything turns out well - want it to be special for them.. I remember and appreciated the effort that my friends in Melbourne made my every birthday a special one...
• Have an important meeting with someone tomorrow - I wonder how it will turn out??
• I wonder where I'm going to end up this weekend since the pastorate group's trip to Gopeng has been cancelled because of the bird flu
• How am I going to talk with a certain someone about an issue that just came up? I hate doing this
• Need to sleep earlier than usual tonite
• My email's overflooded with stuff that needs to be sorted out - hope i have time to do so tomorrow
• Had a sms from Daniel of TeenStreet! It was good to briefly communicate with him again.. Am sad to have to miss the reunion this weekend - especially since it means that I won't be able to see the team... Have fond memories of great teamwork going on at the camp.. .
• I will also be missing the AGM at church!!!!!! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh - maybe I can sneak back for that -if we decide to do something light for our pastoral group outing... How? how? how??
• Is it just me?? How can people be so disorganised in planning stuff sometimes??? On the other hand, I know I have to learn to *LET IT GO*
• Have to stop blogging now - a bit difficult to send email, blog and talk at the same time

The race

The finish line was near. The runner, sweat running down his brow, was already exhausted - in fact, he was bone weary. A few others have gone ahead before him. But for him, the goal of the race was not to win. The objective was to finish the race - come what may - within the given time frame. As he ran or even shuffled along at times, thoughts ran through his mind - "What if I fail again? What if I fall? What if my strength gives out before I reach the finish line? What if I never finish at all?".

Though there had been people encouraging him from the side to move on, the runner knew he had to run the race on his own. As he moved on, unexpectedly, his past injuries came back to plague him - injuries that he thought were completely healed. They slowly began to cripple him - until he thought that he could not bear it any more. Still - he moved on, again with the help of friends and family who were stationed along the way to give him a drink when he needed it. His energy was recharged slightly with each sip. His steps faltered again after a while. He was not running as fast as he thought that he could or should - because his injuries were continually plaguing him. Already, he was behind the time frame he had set in his mind. He should have been at the finishing line much earlier. Unseen new injuries added to the pain. He also very reluctantly picked up another burden or two along the way for fear of others being injured because of that burden. Still, with whatever little energy he possesed, he moved on - though his space was as slow as a snail by now - wondering when and if he would ever get to the finishing line.

Others, who were watching him could not understand why he seemed to be moving so slowly - after all, he looked fit when he started the race. Sensing their unspoken disapproval and feeling a little bit disheartened, he moved on - slowly trudging - his whole body aching. He was also getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen into his brain and thought he would collapse for sure. He almost gave up - but he looked up to his coach who encouraged him to take a break and then finish the race, pain and all.

After his rest, the pain did not subside by much but he moved on anyways. Soon, the finishing line loomed ahead.... The time was ticking away.. He wondered if he could make it-his injuries were acting up... Tick tick tick tick.... *shuffle* *pant* *shuffle* *pant*.. It was a miracle - he made it with a little time to spare!!!!

Exhausted, he dropped to the ground. He had almost no energy left. Lying on the ground and staring at the sky above him, his heart was exultant that he made it. Too weary to even speak -he thanked God in his heart for helping him complete the race.

*************************************************
Have finished and handed up my parable assignment today! Thought I'd give it a go at writing the above narrative as a result of being saturated with the parables for the past few weeks - to put into words what I've been going through. Though it would have been better without the stress of the assignment, I am rather glad I did the topic. I learnt a lot about parables in the process.

Small mercies

It's been quite a day and a longer one stilll... Thank God for small mercies though- such as NO Church Music class.. On the other hand - ended up using that time to put out fires *sigh*. As if that was not enough, my stomach has been acting up the whole day - ended up taking Mr A's advice to have a break from my assignment and took a much unwanted but necessary nap... When I woke up, unfortunately, my stomach wasn't feeling very much better.

The Myanmarese group decided to have a service here for Jan's mum at 3.30pm as the funeral service was running simultaneously there and I decided to go for it. Learnt more about his family and his mother in particular and I'm glad to see that he's coping well at this point. Am glad for his sake that quite a few people showed up to support him at this time.

Have church history class tonight *sigh* and am still deciding about eating dinner... Feel like skipping another meal because of my tummy... Already feel like throwing up the bread I had earlier. Hope my stomach settle down soon.

In spite of all this, my brain is still positive about surviving the rest of the night. Thank You God for small mercies in this rather eventful day.

Thoughts...

It's funny how it's easier to acknowledge my own weaknesses than to let other people know about it[especially those closest to me] - and the stupid lengths I go to cover it - many times to my own detriment.
It's also funny how it's easier to ask for help for any other people other than myself. I find that I just don't know how to and am afraid to- again to my own detriment.

Many times, I think that God has been good and provided the answers that I needed before I had to ask for help - many times because He knew that I wasn't ready. Of course, there has been times when I've had to do it but I've failed abysmally. But now, I think He's just teaching me to move out of where I've been. I think it's time to grow out of the past.


God - please catch me if I fall or fail again.. I'm so afraid.

Comfort from unexpected people

Have had a day and a half break from the parables assignment and thankfully I didn't dream about any assignment last nite. I feel much saner for the break and the war in my head that has been rampant in the past week has abated somewhat[though it'll probably come back after this when I start doing it again]. On Friday night, I was on the point of despair *again* and even told Daniel 'to heck with the assignment' and I was just going to hand up whatever I had in I just had - unedited and was just prepared to seriously fail the assignment. As I shared with Lee Yng on Saturday morning, it was prolly the melancholic side of me acting up - to me, it had to be a perfect assignment or just hand up 'whatever' [and it will have to be 'whatever' since I'm find myself at a loss of how to write the assignment].

It's quite funny, but throughout the weekend, I've had comforting words spoken to me about the assignment that helped me regain my sanity- from somewhat unexpected places. First of all, I had a great time of fellowship and sharing with Lee Yng in the car on the way to church and shared our struggles with the assignment. I shared a bit with her about the battles that were going on in my head- the battles that was paralysing me from moving forward in my assignment [at one point i was staring at the screen for 4 hours and just not moving anywhere].. It was comforting to know that she understood... I also appreciated the effort that she took to send me back on Saturday - so I could have some extra time to work on the parables.
Silvester also showed up on msn in between my busy moments at church and further encouraged me too and shared with me his struggles in his first year - and that though i may not see it at the moment - it apparently gets better over time.
Uncle Choon Meow was very helpful too and gave a couple of good advise which I'm planning to follow - with a little courage.

This morning, the message that Siew Li spoke about Elijah at the point of discouragement struck a chord in me. Especially the bit about feeling alone in his struggles and how God still speaks in a gentle whisper. It got me thinking that He's been sustaining me through this time with His gentle whisper on top of encouragements from different friends.

As a reflection, when all this is over, I'll probably forget what the assignment was all about - but I'll not forget the friendships and words of comfort that is helping me to go through this rough time. Thanks guys...

Father,
I know that you're teaching me so much more than the assignment at the moment. Thank You for the people that You've sent along the way to help me cope a little better.

Nightmare

I can't believe this! I was dreaming about parables assignment last night.. Scary!!

Stress Relieving

Am posting these up as part of my stress relieving from my hideous Parable assignment.. :)


Sherman scheming at his computer... *cheeky grin*

Oliver - the cute creature from Myanmar

Comrades in assignment struggle

I feel like I'm going in circles with this assignment. It's so frustrating! Have felt like crying countless times - and giving up. Am reminded how hopeless I am with this kind of writing. I have my points on paper but I just can't get it to connect and I end up not going anywhere.

Went to find some friends who were in the same predicament. And we had a good laugh at ourselves and our frustrations. It was good to share our struggles together and helped dispell the hopelessness of the situation a bit.

Thank You God for 'comrades' that I can laugh and cry together with over this assignment.

And the struggle goes on...

So much for my resolution last nite. Ended up doing something else and just fell asleep.
Ever get the feeling that you just want to hide in bed for the rest of the day because you're know you're going to be doing something you disliked?
It happened to me this morning - quite hilarious actually. The alarm rang at 7.30am and i kept arguing with myself to sleep later. So I went back to sleep but i kept on waking up and wondering what time it was. On the other hand, another part of me just wanted to remain under my covers and just hide.
Have finally decided to stop hiding and am reminded again that I need the grace of God and His strength to see me through this day.

Ranting on assignment

I absolute hate doing assignments - studying for Greek is so much easier. :P
*sigh*
Need to start writing SOMETHING tonite!!!!

Break

Am in a much better frame of mind today - though a bit more tired easily. I've decided to take the rest of the nite off- don't think I'll be able to study anymore.

On the overall, I think it's been a good day. Studying and hanging out with SK and O has been rather good and therapeutic. Oliver's rather funny most of the time. I think it's just difficult to be gloomy with him around. :) Like I said in my blog - Oliver's the kind of person who brings a smile to your face when you think of him.

Dear Father,
Thank you for this day - for working in my life, for friends, for Your comfort.

In Your Love

At times like these, Nicole Nordeman's songs seem the most apt

In Your Love

I am humbled in Your presence
More desperate than before
I've brushed against Your mercy
Yet still I'm wanting more
I have felt the hand of comfort
In the softness of Your touch
I wait

I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love I find my resting place
In Your love I find my shelter
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love

I surrender all my failings
Please break these chains of doubt
I bring these simple offerings
Of what I can't work out
When You let these healing waters
Anoint my troubled soul
I wait

The cry of my soul

I think there's something wrong with me
Feel like tears are coming down my eyes
What's going on?
What's going on God?
Am just so confused - my mind seems to be in a clamour...
Peace seems so far away

There were lots of laughter a couple of hours ago
And yet...

I feel like I'm hurting for no reason at all
I hate all this pain - every moment of it
It seems like there's a dark veil covering me
It feels like there's tons of pins pricking every part of my skin
And my heart feels heavy - so very heavy

Someone said-in friendship, there must be wounds
Why must there be? Why all this pain?
At times like these I ask - why did You created me to be me
With this softness of heart that seems to bruise so easily?
It's insane -they've just been gone for two days...
Why does it seem to hurt me so much when it barely affects others at all?
Is there some defect in me that causes me to be like this?
I hate the tears - I'd rather be laughing
Where has the joy gone?
WHY is the joy gone?

I want to hide
Like I used to in days of old
Not in You but to be in oblivion
To run to the world of books or movies
Where temporal reprieve can be found till the story ends
Will the ache go away when I close my eyes?
Will it disappear when I awake in the morning?
Only You know the answer

I need Your comfort
I need You to be a balm that soothes my aching heart
To dry the tears in my soul
Oh - how I long and yearn for You
Is this why You put me here again?
To remind me of how much I need You?

Another good weekend

Am back at STM and it's the beginning of reading week for me. It's a time to catch up on the seemingly impossible pile of work that needs to be cleared.
Am feeling slightly blue. Have been back here for only a couple of hours and miss the guys already (They've gone back to their respective homes for a couple of days to spend time with their families). It seems so quiet here. It's times like these when I realise again how close I've grown with them. Really look forward to their coming back. In the meantime, I think I'll just hide myself in my books.
Had a great time yesterday evening. I think Jacob and his team did well in preparing for the service. Found the sermon a bit suspect, but on the overall, the service was good. It was super great to have Lee Yng and Charles come along to give support too. It was very late by the time we went for dinner and we were awfully hungry and tired. It was quite late by the time I got home - and later still when the guys got back to their place. I really appreciated the effort they took to send me home - am really blessed by their friendship.
Praise God that this morning's worship service went ok. Was reminded on how arrogant I can be in my assumptions sometimes and was humbled once again. Uncle Chee Yan spoke really well in his sermon about managing finances that God has given. He gave a really balanced view on the topic and a lot of people were challenged again in this area.
Was a bit worried that I wouldn't get to spend any time with my family so it was good that we ended up having lunch together before my mum sent my bro and I back to our respective place of studies. Mum took me shopping before I got back here to replenish all the cup noodles that I'd run out of. :) Had a good short talk with my sister while shopping. Went for tea with my mum and sis. So it was really really good to spend precious moments together.

Dear Father,
Love you heaps. Thank you for the weekend. It was really good. :)

Jacob, Daniel and I after dinner

More photos here.

Daniel - Eating as usual. *grin*

Jacob's Version of Charles Wesley's "O For A Thousand Tongues to sing"

Melissa and Ashlee

The Aftermath

Happenings of my life...

Am back again at church after a rather long week at STM. It was definitely less eventful than the previous week (which I'm truly thankful for), nevertheless it's been somewhat heavier with the church music class, steward group duties, the extra talk on Thursday nite and trying to finish my parables assignment outline. I think I'm going to get permanent eyebags like Daniel soon. :P On the other hand, it's been another week of building relationships, getting to know my friends better and learning different facets of them. Got to know Oliver better this week - his antics with the guys are rather amusing -thinking of him just brings a smile to my face. :)

On the other hand, it's been really great to be back home hang out with the uncles again and listening to their stories- I realised that it's one of the things that I missed a lot.. Listening to their stories of old, of the church and getting great advice from them(Haha- as Dennis from the office says, they can be a bit 'LW' at times - but I love them to pieces anyways).

Spent time with my mum and bro last nite- my sis went out as usual with her bf - barely get to see her nowadays. :P I think watching tv with mum on friday nites might become a ritual at this rate. She's so cute when she gets into her Korean movies.

After a while, I went to get some series off my brother and watched the latest episode of Monk (Mr Monk and the Astronaut). [For the uninformed, Monk is a detective series about this guy called Adrian Monk. He has this passion for solving crimes and is brilliant at it -but on the other hand, he has this great list of phobias and is not able to function at all without his assistant and nurse]. It strucked me why I love the show so much besides the fact that it's non-violent and quite funny. It's about this guy who just is brilliant but broken - and his brokeness sometimes gets in the way of his gift of solving crimes and yet he pushes on in spite of his brokenness with the help of his assistant.

Take the latest episode, the criminal was a guy who was an astronaut who's afraid of nothing -except Monk. Which is quite a funny thought - being afraid of nothing except a guy who's a got a gazillion list of phobias?? (afraid of heights, MILK, germs, food must not touch, everything must be in order, etc...). I especially liked the bit where in spite of his phobias, he stood in front of the plane to stop the bad guy though the bad guy could have run him down. There was quite a bit of spiritual lessons for me in there.

Hmmm... there's a LOT more to say but I think I'll stop for now. It's going to be a long day... Have lunch with Uncle Choon Meow and Uncle Sam, worship practice followed by rushing down to Cheras after.

Random thought - reading week's coming up... Will have time to catch up with my work!!! Yay!! Will miss the guys till they come back though - at least I still have Oliver :) ...

Complete

Was just listening to this song by Parachute Band a few minutes ago and one of 'those' moments happened again - the moment where you just want to stop everything and savour the sweet presence of God.... The lyrics are not exactly 'out of this world' - but it just resonates within me as I meditate on brokeness in the past week...
Thank You God for that truly beautiful moment.


Complete
Andrew Ulugia
Here I am O God
I bring this sacrifice - my open heart
I offer up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Thank You for this Day

Dear God,
Thank You for this day
Thank You for the Church Music class this morning- especially for Gerrad and Jacob that made it somewhat bearable
Thank You for the rushed breakfast fellowship - it was short but great!
Thank You for steward group duties - washing plates brings another element of servanthood to life
Thank You for good refreshing sleep in the afternoon
Thank You for good friends who woke me up when I overslept in the afternoon and encouraged me to go to the library to get some much needed work done
Thank You for Monk (You know how much I adore the series) - it was a great to chill out and have a good laugh for a little while
Thank You for a good dinner - for the Kurma curry and cabbage
Thank You that for the fellowship that we had with You later in the evening - so much so that I think that most of us didn't want to stop. It was good to be able to encourage one another to lay our burdens at Your feet.
Thank You for music - it's amazing how it speaks to the soul
Thank You for being with me throughout the day.

Time at home and back in STM

Is it my imagination or is my blog entries getting longer and longer??? Must be effect of studying at STM...

Anyways, -am back in STM... *contented sigh*. The two days back home was good too. It was great to have my mum's home cooked food - she cooked Bah kut Teh, egg pizza and vegetables and it was just absolutely fantastic... I didn't know how tired I was- I fell asleep and in the living room and didn't hear the kids go off!! Woke up and it was wonderful to spend time chilling in front of the tv with mum - watching Unbreakable and American Idol (My mum and sis' seemingly current favourite programme) on Friday nite.

On Saturday, I fixed my tooth (and am virtually left a pauper) but at least I don't have to wear the annoying dentures anymore and don't feel like there's always something stuck at the top of my mouth... Thank God too that my gums are no longer bleeding though they still feel a little bit tender.. Rushed to work and packed some food to eat - but my appetite was sort of lost for some reason. But I regretted not eating a proper lunch despite of the lack of appetite.

During worship practice my head felt really woozy and I felt like my limbs were just so tired- and it also felt like I was zoning in and out most of time. It was a rather weird feeling. Thank God that my worship team was very understanding and that my partner in worship leading- Jason was very understanding about it. Felt slightly better after the practice when I finished the rest of my 'breakfast' food. Had a great talk with my pastor - it's always good to meet up with him. Really appreciate his understanding of where I am and his concerns for me.

Went home and just seriously wanted to crash after the meeting with my pastor but went out with my family for dinner - which was also good. It felt like ages since we sat down to eat as a family. We went to the Times bookshop fair. They had really good stuff there - pity that my head decided to do the zoning in and out thing again and I so had to go to the car to get sleep before I fainted or something drastic like that. Managed to get a collection of Oscar Wilde's book for an extremely reasonable price(though I'm still wondering when I'm ever going to read it with all the work I've got to do) :P

Must have slept in the car for an hour or so - was feeling much better by the time I got home and ended up watching American Idol with my sis till twelve. Got up this morning for church service and it was Jason's turn to feel like a zombie (the poor guy had food poisoning the night before). But praise God, everything went ok for the service and that none of us keeled over - heheh.

Finally got to catch up with Sue Ann after all these weeks- though it was a bit rushed. I think that it's amazing that we're learning quite similar things in different ways - though we've not been as close geographically as we used to... Am reminded again of the urgency to keep her constantly in my prayers. Again, I'm glad too for the input and the blessing that she's been to me..

Two people that I met along the way and that I got to talk to is Hua Loon and Keng.. It's been quite a surprise especially to see Keng - haven't seen him around in ages. He encouraged me when he told Sue Ann and I that he's thinking of us though he is far away. I pray that he doesn't have to go to another country for now... Am also reminded to pray for him.. He looks different from the last time I saw him - older maybe - i just don't know.

Came back to STM in the afternoon with J -after going to Salvation and buying 3 CDs. Crashed after I unpacked when I came back - had that feeling of wooziness again (i hope it's not a permanent thing)... Played risk with the guys and it was just great to be back and sharing meals and fellowshipping with them again..

Thank You God for again and again for family, church friends and my friends here at STM. It's just awesome to have them in my life. They are truly a gift from you.

One Life At A Time

Will be going back to my other 'world' soon-back to church and home. It already feels so long before I'll come back here to STM (though yes - I'll be back on Sunday evening and it's only two days away). It just feels weird that I won't be seeing ppl that I've seen everyday for the last two weeks and I realise how attached and close I've grown to them. How they've challenged me and yet supported me when things have gotten really rough this week.

Just came back from lunch and my greek test. Had a hunch way before the test started that I was not going to get full marks (trust me - it wasn't a case of 'because I thought it, it would happen'). It was more like I sensed the Holy Spirit saying - "don't panic.. But you're not going to get full marks for this test - same as Christian Spirituality this week. Because I want to teach you something - you don't have to BE perfect and struggle so much to be perfect. You are not God. I AM." And I must say - I definitely didn't get full marks for the test...

Funny how lately I've been getting all this 'sensing' (for lack of a better word) that I used to be so scared of. I used to notice it that it happens whenever I'm close to God and being very sensitive to His Holy Spirit. At the same time, I remember how afraid I am about it - it feels like I'm in a roller coaster ride - and a painful one at that. And my direct reaction would be to shut God out for a while until I can cope again... I'll leave it at that for now (Those that want a fuller explanation will have to talk to me directly about this).

Also went to watch a movie at a friend's place this morning - I have a lot of things to contemplate over. And I was also thinking - funny how and when God chooses to answer some of the questions that I've been wrestling with the past year and one of the underlying reasons that I came to STM(and at the same time never thought I'd find it here or so soon).. Not that I've got all the answers down to pat... I think that's as much as I want to say for now... Am still mulling over things and still have lots of questions to ask.

Anyways, during the after-movie discussion, this song about Jesus' life came to mind. It was part of an Easter cantata that we did at church a long long time ago-the words never fail to reach deep into my soul. And something of the discussion brought that out again.

One Life at A Time
He was a man who laughed with children
Who was not ashamed to cry
A man who walked and listen
While the world hurried by

He didn't shake a million hands
Or changed a million minds
He simply change the whole wide world
One life at a time

One life at a time
He changed one life at a time
One whose heart was hopeless
One whose eyes were blind
Filling us with life and love
Of a different kind
He filled the world with miracles (He touched me with His perfect love)
One life at a time

He said "Come unto me
Come unto me
With childlike hearts
Trusting and free
Listen and hear
Look and you'll see
Someone who loves you
Saying come unto me"


Thank You Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit for the things that you are doing in my life - though it has come with great pain. I pray for Your continual leading and for courage to face the things that You want me to face.

God is God and I am not

Wanted to post this up yesterday as part of Ash Wednesday meditations - as usual, I got distracted along the way and ended up not posting it. Feel that God continually reminded me of this song today so I thought to do it anyways.

God is God - By Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Happy Birthday Lee Yng!!

If you ever read this, I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I thank God that you are here in STM this year.
Thank you for being one the three prayer partners as well as being a sounding board whenever I've need one. Thank you for how you always make me feel welcome in your room. Thank you for being a wonderful support. Thank you for being you.

I pray that the reason for your coming to STM will be answered. May this day bring you many blessings (despite the stressing out with the Greek test tomorrow and the piles of work that he gave us).

Random Thoughts

• Hope I finish my Christian Spirituality work by tonite
• Was good talking to Liz today - I think we were on the line for quite a long time. Am glad that she found a new job.
• Am sleepy
• Weather is very warm - hope it gets cooler soon
• Looking forward to ice cream outing with a friend tomorrow
• Had a good reminder today to be check my thoughts - that my learning more does not make me holier. I still have to live it out.
• Emilia looked beautiful at her wedding on Sunday. Was really happy for her.. It was great to see her get married to Larry. I think that the SIB ppl did a great job with her wedding.
• Apparently baptism turned out quite interesting last Sunday. Am so glad Li Chun's decided to get baptised. :)
• Sad to hear that Uncle Lee passed away. Will miss his presence on Sunday mornings - I remember fondly that he's usually at church with his wife at our Sunday morning sound check.
• Sadder still to hear Daniel Wong from Tung Ling passed away. But am glad that He managed to find God again before He went back to be with Him. Will always remember his enthusiasm to read more books, his generosity to us and his fervour to know God more and to stand up for justice.
• Howard Marshall came today and I couldn't understand half of what he was saying.. Realise I have a long way to go - if I ever get there...
• Need to get back to do my reflection instead of blogging now or I'll never finish
• Was good to see uncle Mark and uncle Selvendran today at the talk... Hmm - it was also surprising to see uncle Peter Sam too.

Thank You God through everything, You are working in my life.

To....

When will you ever forgive me?
When will what I do be enough for you?
When will me being me be enough for you?
My flaws seem to be bigger than my efforts to make it up to you
When will restitution end and forgiveness start?

I've moved on...
Don't you understand?
I had to - I was dying so slowly
And nobody seem to know - not even you
Nobody except her - but she's now taken your side because you hurt
And yet I hope you will never understand that
I would never wish it on you

But it hurts so much to see you hurting
It hurts to know that I caused it
It hurts to know that I cannot do anything about it
Don't you know that I cannot take the first step anymore?
I've gone as far as I can and there are no more steps left to take

I yearn to see you move on
I yearn to see you let go just so that you can grow
I'd turn the clock back to undo things if I could
But reality does not permit

You say that action speaks louder than words
When will you understand that I had to do what I did at the time - as wrong as it was
To me, I had no other choice
When will you ever understand WHY I did what I did
Though we went through a lot together
He has made us to be so different
Maybe you will never understand
And maybe I have to learn to accept that

You say that my friends are more important to me than you
Don't you understand that I'd bear the pain for you?
You don't know how much I love you - how vulnerable I am to you
I hide it because I learnt a long time ago
That hurting me comes easily to you
Especially when you hurt
You always knew the right buttons to push
And never seem to hesitate to push it
Nevertheless, because of who you are
I love you very much

I hope you will never understand
What it means to dread the coming of each day as I did
The feeling of fear to face up to the ugliness in me
The feeling of dread to face the despair and hopelessness that the rising of the sun brings with it
And that I now am only be able to get up each day because of His mercy and grace
And that though I am healed and am still being healed
I carry the scars -so many of them
I face them almost every day

When will you stop blaming Him for putting you where you are
For the hurts I've caused you? For the hurts he has caused you?
It hurts me to see that when you do, you play into the enemies hands
The fact that I played a part in it hurts so much more than you will ever know

I pray that you will learn to see the silver lining in the cloud
That our God loves you and and is waiting to restore you
Just as he did me with me - unworthy sinner as I am
That He has blessed you more than you realise
And that He loves you more than you will ever know
That His plans are perfect for you
No matter what you have to bear along the way
Because He was and is always there to see you through them
Though you don't see or feel Him there

Soul searching

It's been a soul searching week... Circumstances (more like people) has made me look at my past. It has helped me to understand me - why I am who I am today. At the same time, am challenged to look at the flaws in my life and to challenge my viewpoint. It gets painful at times - but it's a necessary pain..
I have not done this(looking at the past) in a very long time and realised that perhaps I was not ready earlier.. I realised that He has indeed brought me to a point of healing - I would've avoided and ignored this a year ago...

Still I thank God for bringing people into my life to continue to mould and sharpen me.. Especially three people who has been a great source of blessing in their own ways - in ways that I least expected and from the most unexpected place.. God's just using them to teach me about my perspective of people and myself and how wrong I can be sometimes in my preconceived ideas.
Am reminded that bit by bit, God is answering the prayer I wrote in my song last year.. Which is my prayer for this year..

Teach me to worship You the way You want me to
Teach me to love You Lord with all of my heart
Teach me to live for You in all that You do
And to offer up my life as a living sacrifice

May my life as an incense rise to You
Pleasing You as a fragrant perfume

There is still so much to learn from Him - and perhaps the learning will never end.. Nevertheless, I pray for humble and contrite heart - and a heart that continues to be teachable no matter how painful and hard the lesson may be..

It's a time of learning, unlearning and relearning...
To let go and trust Him more...
To learn to move on - knowing that there are others who are travelling on the same path and to share in the pain and discovering joys together..
To change in areas that need change..
To welcome challenges and embrace them even...


My prayer probably is best described in Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Bring it On"

I didn't come lookin for trouble
And I dont want to fight needlessly
But Im not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me

I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell somethings coming down
But if its gonna make me grow stronger then

Bring it on
Let the lightning flash
Let the thunder roll
Let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come
Let the hard rain fall
Let it make me strong
Bring it on

Now, maybe youre thinking I'm crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
Cause I know I've got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Bring it on

Now, I dont want to sound like some hero
Cause its God alone that my hope is in
But I'm not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on

Living in two worlds

Am tired... am supposed to be asleep now... but there's heaps of work... and people to talk too..
Feel very strongly that I live in two worlds nowadays- the world of STM and the world out there(my church and my home)...
I really love the people here and am just so blessed by the fellowship of the community here and enjoy my studies (though assignments are really stressful things to me)...
At the same time, when I check my mails, my church reminds me that life goes on... I chat on the phone with my close friends and I miss them and my family heaps...

Maybe I'm just rambling cos of my tired mind.... It's been a looonnnggg week... Am glad for the break this weekend.. :)

Personality Test

Someone convinced me that I should do this test - I actually did it before but I forgot my profile and decided to do it again... Quite interesting insight of myself(at least - it is to me)..

EFNJ - Keirsey

ENFJ profile

Transitioning

Phew... Had my first Greek test today and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would go. I think my lecturer's pretty satisfied with my work. I had to do a reflection paper on a controversial article on Christmas that came out on times magazine a couple of years ago called "Behind the First Noel". It was a bit tough getting into the mode of writing an essay. It took a lot of starts only to get stuck... Managed to finish the paper to my satisfaction five minutes before the class started (and decided to skip dinner along the way). Thank God for my friends who go to mamak or else I'd still be hungry now. :)
Another interesting highlight of the day - today's the third time I've attended the Anglican services. I have attended three out of four of their meetings and that apparently is an anomaly for a non-Anglican. They invited me to join them for their after service gathering - having some snacks that they brought from home. It was great to have potato salad! :) That aside, it was just great to hang out with them and just hearing some of the issues and challenges the Anglicans are facing right now - everyone around me was just joking that I've officially been adopted into their Anglican fold - since I now knew their problems too. It was pretty funny. Think that they are a bunch of great people (not just because they shared food with me). Am constantly amazed and touched by their dedication for God despite all the difficulties that come with their denomination.

Dear God,
Thank You for Your faithfulness and Your goodness. Am constantly in awe of You. Especially in lecture today where I am reminded that You are truly my great father in heaven and that You discipline those You love and that if I love You, I should be obedient to You.

Transitions

It feels like ages since I've last blogged - probably because it's true... The last two weeks have just been rather hectic. I feel like everything's been let loose and it just get overwhelming at times.
Chinese New Year was a great break - it was good just to spend time with family on top of the eating and resting... Decided to study(I actually brought up most of my work up with me and managed to glean through some of them). When I came back to STM last week, just got this horrendous feeling of being overwhelmed by the amount of work that needed to be done - and I blame this on the time that I took to actually do my schedule, count the amount of work that I needed to read and sorta realised that it was just going to be really really tough to finish all my readings on time AND do my assignments at the same time.
The weekend was just a non-stop series of meetings and was just really exhausted(and glad!) to get back to STM yesterday evening at an earlier time than I expected to.
Woke up with a pounding headache and puffy eyes. By the grace of God, am just feeling much better than when I woke up!!! Have my first Greek test that I think I'm prepared for but have to complete two reflection papers(one of which is quite challenging and controversial, the other is just a 'huh??' kind of paper).

Dear God,
I need you and your grace to see me through the week and the rest of the semester. Juggling between work and study is just going to be really hard and there are times when I've just reached my limits. Help me to trust in You to see me through. Thanks for friends who just supports me and loosen me up when I get too stressed out. I see You working through them.

Second week at STM

Have started my second week of classes. Have been overwhelming at times (there's seriously just heaps of work) and have had to make a conscious effort to take a break and yet not too much of it.. :P
Otherwise, I AM enjoying the subjects... Some subjects have been rather mind blowing - challenging my own views on that topic.. The rest of them has just been about learning new things..
It's been a struggle at times to get back to student life.. But on the whole it's been very good. :)
The thing that encourages me the most is my fellow students here... They've all been very encouraging and caring.


Thank You God for leading me here.

CONGRATS TO MY BIG BRO AND VERN!!

Just want to wish a BIG congratulation to my big bro Johann and Vern Li on their wedding yesterday! May God Lord bless your marriage as you begin your journey together.

First day of classes

Today's the first day of classes.. Was a rather heavy day.. Makes me wonder if I should audit the extra subject tomorrow.. Hmmm...
Despite it all, I've enjoyed my classes-Church History, New Testament Survey and Critical Reading and writing... Though am slowly beginning to think- wow! There's heaps of work!! We've been handed our assignments and there's quite a fair bit to do.. A plus point is that the lecturers here are VERY supportive-so it really helps...
Will have pastorate group breakfast (yay!!)in the morning. I also quite like the ppl in my pastorate group - they're quite multicultural actually.. :)
Am struck again about how blessed I am to be here.. The ppl here are very friendly.. Really enjoy the community life here(tonight, someone brought back Nasi Lemak Ayam for supper :) ). Also, I had the opportunity to spend some time in the anglican chapel last nite and tonite just to play on the piano (although it was somewhat out of tune) and just worship Him on the piano. There's just a strong sense of the presence of God as I just sat there and worshiped.


Thank You Jesus for leading me here. Thank You for new friends here. It's just been really awesome knowing You more and knowing them.

View from my window

 

My Study corner

Hmm - not a very good photo.. but this is my study corner..

 

:)

This is another STM resident.. heheh

 

A glimpse of life here at STM

My wi-fi connection's finally set up !!! I am having a rather awesome time here even as I get adjusted to life here in my first week... As I settle down and getting adjusted to living my life as a student again, I find that I am really looking forward to what the Lord has in store for me this year..

Different experiences
It's just been great to have been exposed to different denominations here and getting to know the future leaders of the Malaysian church.. Majority of the ppl here are from Methodist and Anglican background so it's interesting to worship doing devotions with them. Apparently, the Anglicans have their own prayer services at 7am on one of the mornings and the Methodist will have their own prayer service in the evening. Am planning to join them to get a feel of what it's like. :)

There are two other EFC ppl here. It's been good to have them around in view of the overwhelming(at times) ppl who are mostly from Methodist, Anglican and Lutheran background.

My Roommate
Apparently, part of the STM experience is to live with another person - as part of preparation for church ministry in dealing with difficult ppl and resolving conflicts. My roommate's a first year student from KL Chinese Methodist Church.. I've been quite fortunate to have her as a room mate as we discover that we're both not very particular - we both don't mind noise and we can sleep with the lights on. :)

Lecturers
I've really like the lecturers that i've met so far - they have been very approachable and friendly... They join us for our meals and remember our names!! It's also been a comfort to have a lecturer whom I know from my home church here at STM.

Students
We have quite a few international students. Am looking forward to learning from them as I get to know them better..

Besides all that, I really LOVE the library facilities here....
One of my challenges is that I really feel like a 'banana' here some times as most ppl seem to speak chinese here and I mainly speak English...


THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME HERE... AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO KNOWING YOU MORE THIS YEAR.

Blur-ish

It's been a rather blur-ish week.
Sprained my ankle on New Year during the afternoon, John came to town on Tuesday, getting stuff to go to STM, rushing around in the office to tie up loose ends, etc...
My next blog entry will prolly be when I'm there - I can't wait!!

New Year resolutions

1. Travel to a country that I've not been to before (which can't be too difficult as I've only been to Australia, Singapore and Malaysia)
2. Tell a God story every week
3. Have a more exciting year than 2005 (which is going to be pretty difficult as 2005 have been pretty awesome!!)
4. Keep in touch more often with my friends overseas.

Random stuff

Thank you God for:
- the past Christmas that went VERY well (especially since the run through on Christmas morning was a near disaster) and for the souls that came to know You on that morning
-Christmas pressies (All were really nice but I had an extra nice one :) )
- a great break with family in Camerons
-meeting with Ps Mark and family. Justin is soooo cute... He just talks and talks and talks and talks... but he's one of those precocious kids. :)
-people around me that care and are concerned and give great advice as I prepare for Bible School (note to self - pray for a prayer partner and look out for a lecturer to be a mentor)

Just finished reading:
- Devotion explosion (really good book on how to make your devotions interesting!!! One of the tips is to choose a book of the bible and write it in your own handwriting. The other good tip is to type out your prayer.)

Preparing for:
The new year and Watchnite service!

Christmas ramblings

Christmas is coming!! Thank God for sustaining me. Am quite surprised that my stress levels is not any higher than it is now despite all the hitches in the planning for Christmas.
Have been having a pleasant time catching up with some of my ex-OCF friends. It's been a rare treat to meet up with some of them TWICE last week!!!
Doreen's wedding was also on last Saturday.. Had a good time there - though the dinner went on till quite late (we finished about 11.30pm)!!

Foresee a slight struggle this week - it's Christmas activities vs. Christmas reflections. Am hoping to be able to sit down a little longer with Him than my usual 'pockets of time' (which I suppose is better than NO time at all with Him).

Feel like I'm rambling now. Will stop here.

Meeting up with old and new friends

Had a great time yesterday evening. Had TWO dinner appointments - a first for me.
The first was with the TeenStreet committee. Daniel and I, who are the service team leaders were invited along. It was just really good to meet up with all of them again. They are just a bunch of fantastic people who, though busy, give their time and energy to God and young people. It was great to catch up with Daniel in the car too. Found out that he went to Kuantan with a bunch of friends from youth group for a day trip - how fun!!

My friend CQ from Singapore gave a surprise call on Tuesday evening and he invited me to join him and MT and CT for dinner. It was great catching up with them. Of course, we discussed OCF friends whom we've lost contacts with, who's getting married soon, ministry, work, etc...
It was a great evening. CQ's quite entertaining. He always has heaps of stories about his foot and mouth disease. :)

Dear God,
Thank You for different people whom You bring into my life and make it richer. Am so blessed by You.

Thinking of my friends overseas

Was just talking to Simon Ng, Kevin Chew and Wan Qiu online yesterday... They were all part of OCF Melbourne Uni and it just always is good to catch up with them. Kevin says that he'll be coming over in Feb!! Yay!! Was very sad to miss Wan Qiu last week.. : ( was sick with a really bad flu (had to go to the doc to get medication ) and had to go off to Teen Street. Hope that she'll be able to come over again sometime this round..
This morning when I was on my way to work, I was wondering how my other friends were doing: Adeline, Poh Lyn & Karen (the green house girls and my ex-housemates :) ), Johann, Liz, Francis, Eric, John, Jason Tan, Janice Tan, Charlene, Marcus, David, my ACF Rowville friends etc...


*****************

On another note, my sis is going to start work in January!! She's got a job in KPMG... Praise God for opening doors for her!!!