Reflection on this Semester

Been wanting to post this up for a while now- it seems worth it to sacrifice a bit of sleep to get this post up since I'm pretty sure that I'll never get to it once I'm in Egypt.

I usually do a reflection every semester on what God has been teaching me in STM. I started writing a reflection a couple of weeks ago but so many things has happened that I felt that it was appropriate to delay it. I'm glad that I did. Though the last few weeks have not been exactly ideal or great for me, I've learnt a lot from it.

As I look back, I remember a conversation that I had with a friend at the beginning of semester. I told this friend that I wasn't looking forward to the classes this semester though I was looking forward to being together with them after the semester break. Somehow I couldn't summon the usual excitement for the semester. Nevertheless, I've learnt a lot both inside and outside class this semester.

Friendship

At the beginning of this year, a few things changed for me in this area. As I looked at the year ahead, I wonder what God would have in store for me in this area. In this past semester especially, I see how God knows my needs in this area and I am grateful for faithful companions who have walked alongside me. They've helped me to laugh when I was sad, journeyed with me through times of pain and shared my sorrows. There were great times of joy as well and I am thankful for them because when I was with them, I know that I am in the midst of people who love me for me. This helped me to keep on going and even when I couldn't go on anymore, I am thankful that they carried me till I was better despite the burdens that they bear as well.

Faith

This is one of the main lessons that I've learnt this semester - to continue to have faith in God even though at times my faith was really small. Even when I broke. I never realised how much I've taken my faith for granted until this semester. He has stretched my faith in so many ways, in expected and unexpected ways. Despite the difficulty and the heartaches and the healing that still is to come, I am thankful for this lesson because I do not want to wake up one day and say that my faith is no longer alive and I've drifted far away from my Maker. This journey of faith during the semester has drawn me closer to God despite my weaknesses.

Lecturers

I know that my fellow seminarians may struggle with some of the lecturers and wish that they'd mentor them or have closer fellowship with them. As for me, I've had the privilege of having a glimpse of knowing how much they do care for the seminarians. STM is blessed to have them. Sure, they are not perfect people but I know that they do their best in whatever capacity they are able to. During my lowest moment, I was amazed by the support and understanding that they gave - especially after believing somehow that they would not understand. I am glad that I was wrong. Their pastoral care and support to me during that time is something that I'll never forget.

Being at home and Gratitude...

I am beginning to recall why I rarely blog or go online whenever I am home. There are always heaps to do (be it voluntarily or involuntarily). One is rarely left alone in the house to 'do your own thing' unless absolutely necessary. I am reminded of how communal my family is - conversations and activities abound throughout the day. One is left alone only when sleeping. But beware - even that is interrupted if you are sleeping at the wrong time(this reads sleeping whenever others want you to be doing something else). Now that I'll be away for two months, we seem to be doing more stuff together. Everyone(including Joshua!) have been following me around when I am running around getting my things done. In between that, my whole family swaps life stories with each other. Our stories are interspersed with Joshua's stories of Korea or about Korean stuff (and his so-called 'motherland' - USA) *cheeky grin*. He seems to get along very well with mum and they were swapping missionary stories this evening - which made for an interesting conversation to listen to while I was packing my bags. My aunt from Australia is visiting us as well - which adds colour to the already 'lively' days that I've been having.

It seems to me that it is only around this time of the night when everything wounds down and one is left is some space to be quiet - to read, pray,listen to some serious music and/or blog. :D Even blogging has been rather difficult. I have a 'room mate' (one of my mum's kids) who seems to be sensitive to noise and light *sigh*. The first night she was here, I was fiddling around with my computer. The next day, she told mum she couldn't sleep and that was the end of it. I'm risking it tonight because I have much to write and I'll be leaving tomorrow night. Anyways, I think mum won't shell me too much for it cos I'll be leaving tomorrow night. Hehehe.

Anyways, it has been a rather overwhelming day for me today. Overwhelming in a very good way. My friend's prophecy came true and I received more than sufficient support from my church members financially for my trip. I'm so grateful for my friends from the young adults group who was very supportive as well as other church members who contributed generously. I am overwhelmed because I never realised that I was that significant to them that they would be so supportive and concerned. There have been quite a few unexpected contributions from unexpected people and I was really touched. Quite a few have told me to inform them if I do not have enough. I was really blown away by their offers. One of my young people who is studying overseas and one of my musicians apparently told his mum that whatever ministry that I'm involved in is always worth supporting. For a moment I was stunned. I was rather humbled and moved - and felt all the more the significance of the role that I've been playing in the church. Sure, there were times that I've wondered if I had any impact on the church cos it can be a thankless job at times but I guess I kept on going because I love the church people, I enjoy doing it as well as my ingrained training from young to just be faithful in doing what God has called me to do. Several leaders of the church prayed for me after the service and I was encouraged to see my family and many of my friends joining the prayer. I felt very affirmed as the leaders prayed and treated me as if I was their daughter. I will miss them and the church during the months that I am away.

I have also been overwhelmed because I've been receiving SMS-es and phone calls throughout the day and during the past week from STM friends, church friends and family to encourage me for my upcoming trip. One of my young church friend who's studying overseas even telephoned me on my mobile an hour ago from Australia to just pray for me. I've even received emails from one or two of my lecturers from STM in the last two days. LKY gave me a book to read whilst I am overseas- which I'm really looking forward to dig into. Uncle Lawrence also SMS-ed me to check if I was doing ok overall. My dad came down unexpectedly from Camerons and bought me my early birthday cake (he bought strawberry cheesecake from La Manilla. Joshua really loved it. It was really funny to watch his reaction) - since I'll be celebrating my birthday this year in Egypt.The only thing that marred the celebration was the absence of my sister. I wished she was around. My prayer partners has also been constantly checking on me via SMS to ask me how I'm doing in the past week. Chin Ying also sent me the birthday book that they all compiled.

I am very overwhelmed. I feel so blessed. There has been so many moments throughout the day when I have just felt like crying with gratitude (I can imagine LKY and EJ saying that I'm so 'emo' when they read this. hehehe). I am so thankful to God -especially in light of all that has been happening in the last month. He has indeed been my comfort, hope, strength and refuge. I recall the many arguments and struggles with Him in the last few weeks - the doubts, fears and tears. I'm so humbled by His faithfulness and the love everyone has shown. My heart cannot help but keep on saying 'Thank You God. You are so great and awesome!'

Only In The Dark- Juwita Suwito

Never quite understood this song until recently... Pity there's no youtube version..

The raindrops fall incessantly
Each I think the sky's letting up
There seems to be another cloud
Bringing the dark
Coming right at me

So often I can't see the road ahead
The blinding headlights loom then go out again
But suddenly I find that I don't need to strife
'Cause I realize I am rising, I'm flying....

CHORUS
Only in the dark when I can't seem to see
I learn to hear Your whisper that's been guiding me
Reach out for the hand that bears the light
So my step is right
Only in the dark

Now each day's a step that's lighted up
And the questions asked won't make me stop
'Cause I know no matter how I feel
That this is real
And I'm slowly getting to a place
Where it's not only in the dark...

BRIDGE
So let the shadows come
And let me run into Your arms where
I can feel the warmth of Your touch - unmistakable
Leading me on, loving me on, turning me on
Though now it seems to be that...

Psalm 16

Aunty Lai Sheong read this passage today to me. It really spoke to me and encouraged me as I prepare to leave.

A miktam of David.

1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood

or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Thank You God for Your words of life and comfort. Thank You for hope.

Cowper's Grave- By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I.
It is a place where poets crowned may feel the heart's decaying;
It is a place where happy saints may weep amid their praying;
Yet let the grief and humbleness as low as silence languish:
Earth surely now may give her calm to whom she gave her anguish.

II.
O poets, from a maniac's tongue was poured the deathless singing!
O Christians, at your cross of hope a hopeless hand was clinging!
O men, this man in brotherhood your weary paths beguiling,
Groaned inly while he taught you peace, and died while ye were smiling!

III.
And now, what time ye all may read through dimming tears his story,
How discord on the music fell and darkness on the glory,
And how when, one by one, sweet sounds and wandering lights departed,
He wore no less a loving face because so broken-hearted,

IV.
He shall be strong to sanctify the poet's high vocation,
And bow the meekest Christian down in meeker adoration;
Nor ever shall he be, in praise, by wise or good forsaken,
Named softly as the household name of one whom God hath taken.

V.
With quiet sadness and no gloom I learn to think upon him,
With meekness that is gratefulness to God whose heaven hath won him,
Who suffered once the madness-cloud to His own love to blind him,
But gently led the blind along where breath and bird could find him;

VI.
And wrought within his shattered brain such quick poetic senses
As hills have language for, and stars, harmonious influences:
The pulse of dew upon the grass kept his within its number,
And silent shadows from the trees refreshed him like a slumber.

VII.
Wild timid hares were drawn from woods to share his home-caresses,
Uplooking to his human eyes with sylvan tendernesses:
The very world, by God's constraint, from falsehood's ways removing,
Its women and its men became, beside him, true and loving.

VIII.
And though, in blindness, he remained unconscious of that guiding,
And things provided came without the sweet sense of providing,
He testified this solemn truth, while phrenzy desolated,
—Nor man nor nature satisfies whom only God created.

IX.
Like a sick child that knoweth not his mother while she blesses
And drops upon his burning brow the coolness of her kisses,
— That turns his fevered eyes around—
“My mother! where's my mother?”—
As if such tender words and deeds could come from any other!—

X.
The fever gone, with leaps of heart he sees her bending o'er him,
Her face all pale from watchful love, the unweary love she bore him!
Thus woke the poet from the dream his life's long fever gave him,
Beneath those deep pathetic Eyes which closed in death to save him.

XI.
Thus? oh, not thus! no type of earth can image that awaking,
Wherein he scarcely heard the chant of seraphs, round him breaking,
Or felt the new immortal throb of soul from body parted,
But felt those eyes alone, and knew—“My Saviour! not deserted!”

XII.
Deserted! Who hath dreamt that when the cross in darkness rested,
Upon the Victim's hidden face no love was manifested?
What frantic hands outstretched have e'er the atoning drops averted?
What tears have washed them from the soul, that one should be deserted?

XIII.
Deserted! God could separate from His own essence rather;
And Adam's sins have swept between the righteous Son and Father:
Yea, once, Immanuel's orphaned cry His universe hath shaken
— It went up single, echoless, “My God, I am forsaken!”

XIV.
It went up from the Holy's lips amid His lost creation,
That, of the lost, no son should use those words of desolation!
That earth's worst phrenzies, marring hope, should mar not hope's fruition,
And I, on Cowper's grave, should see his rapture in a vision.

Trip Preparations

The next few days will be rather crazy settling all the stuff for the upcoming trip. I attended orientation today and was given some food for thought. I realise that I have been just rather preoccupied with stuff that I've not been able to give much thought to the trip. There seems to be so much to do - the only thing that has been settled is my airplane ticket and orientation. *sigh* All the other things on my list are yet to be completed and there's still the issue of finance - which I'm continually trusting the Lord for.

I must say that the orientation today helped a lot and I'm thankful for Aunty Gim who was very supportive and understanding. I'm thankful that my future team mates has been praying for me. Elaine (one of my favourite OM people), gave me some of her Egyptian pounds and I was really touched by her unexpected generous gesture.

I was also rather thankful that Lai Kit came over to pray for me on Sunday when she came over to my house. Sometimes it feels like a lonely endeavour - going for this trip. However, when she prayed for me, I felt really supported. The ppl in church has also been rather wonderful-some of them gave generously and there were one or two unexpected ones as well (which was a rather lovely surprise). I've also been quite moved by the fact that ppl like Tim has volunteered to come see me off at the airport. Josh also said that he wanted to send me off as well (though he doesn't have to)- instead of going to JB. All these have really help to uplift my spirits.

Thank You Lord for rest, for friends, for your guidance, for journeying with me. Thank You for everything.

Being Home..

It's just really REALLY good to be home.

I'm appreciative of the fact that I can actually sleep - was rather worn out by the lack of sleep the previous week that I forgot to attend TeenStreet Reunion yesterday afternoon. :p

The last three days of semester was just rather filled up. I was really busy running around helping out with the commissioning service, graduation dinner and graduation service. On top of that, there was the packing and saying good byes to those who are graduating for this year.

Some of the highlights during the last few days of semester.
1. Seeing Mr Allen again!! He's my favouritest lecturer in STM!!
2. Collaborating with Lee Yng to write a song entitled 'The Journey'
3. Finished watching all 16 episodes of 'Kim San Soon'
4. Finished reading two rather interesting books lent by Rabbi
5. Last prayer meet and breakfast with the girls. I really miss them already.

The thing I miss most about STM is the close community life - I miss meeting STM people. I also realised that in the next two months, I won't be hearing much mandarin. Just realised how I'm so used to it that it's a bit weird to only hear English being spoken everyday. :)

That being said, in view of everything, I'm really really REALLY glad to be home. The rest has helped uplift my spirits somewhat.

On Forwarded Emails :P

Every once in a while, you get emails from ppl that seems to love forwarding mails. Sure, they might think that it's good cos they want to 'spread the good news' - and there are really good stuff sometimes.. However, there is always that one or two person that CONSTANTLY forwards you stuff that you can definitely live without.

I was complaining about this to my friend, 'the budding nt scholar' and he did a rather hilarious 'mirror reading' on one of my friend who sends me these emails.

1. he is trying to tell you that he cares....so he tries to keep in touch but does not know how...except by forwarding mails
2. he is trying to tell you he is in touch with the pop culture
3. he is trying to tell you that you are honoured to be in his list of contacts
4. he is trying to tell you that you are worthy to be forwarded some of the "best" reflections.
5. he has recently converted to become a spammer...that is irritating!

Ramblings

Thought I better blog a less 'emo' post - since I'm in a somewhat better frame of mind today. Have been 'on the go' since I woke up at 10pm this morning (after 4 hours of sleep). Tried to sleep during the afternoon - but I could only get 10 mins nap after tossing and turning. Hate that. Getting worried about my not being able to sleep. Used to be able to sleep like a log no matter what. *sigh* Hope I don't have this problem when I get home.

Have been working hard at writing a song with Lee Yng for the graduating service. Ps Wah Lok is right. Songwriting is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. The song's almost completed - but somehow, still not yet there. It's rather frustrating I tell you - and we have to get it done by tomorrow nite! *faint* We haven't even talked about musical arrangement - worse come to worse, we'll have to do an unplugged version.

Other than that, there have been practices for commissioning service, graduation service and tonite's gathering for graduating students. In addition, helped to check Lucy's minutes, went for gotong-royong and helped to prepare for the gathering for the graduating students earlier tonite. The gathering went rather well. Lan Yin did a fantastic job. We were pleasantly surprised that some of the lecturers made it - Mr Chew, Rev Tan, Deaconess and Ms Ho. It was great having them around. They even sportingly played games with us. :D

After the gathering, we had our final graduation dinner committee meeting to fine tune the details for tomorrow nite. Now I have to finish working on the song and finish my church work. NEED SLEEP. Will have a long day tomorrow.

The day will start at 7.30 for breakfast with the girls followed by our last prayer meeting for the year. It will be our last one with Pauline. :( After that will have to finish preparations for the worship tomorrow nite, go through the song, have final practice for the commissioning service, go for lunch, do my duty, pack my room in between, go and help the girls decorate the dinner place at 3pm, worship practice at 5pm. Dinner starts at 7pm.... It's going to be a LONG day tomorrow. God, I really need you to help me survive again tomorrow. SERIOUSLY.

A Prayer...

I want to be anywhere but here. I really want to go home. I need to get away from here.

It feels as if the walls are closing in and I'm slowly suffocating.. God, I'm really counting on You to see me through the next few days till I get home.

Do you remember that time during my Melbourne days? How I would just go out, hop on a tram and go down to St Kilda's whenever I felt like this? I would just go to the pier and sit and watch the rolling waves - even during winter and just talked to You. It's funny, but in the midst of my turmoil, I somehow felt closer to You and comforted by You there. I remember thinking that if You could create the vastness of the ocean and the strong wind and waves, my problems would not be so big to You as they were to me. I long for such times now. During those moments with You, my troubled soul would find temporal relief and peace.

Such peace that I seek seems to elude me. Being with friends have helped a bit - for a little while, the sorrow fades and the burden is shared. However, I know they have their work to do and their own burdens to carry without adding mine to it. I go back to this room and I feel alone and suffocated. In my head, I know that You're here. But I feel that You're so far away. I seek ways to distract me - but the moment I'm done with them, it all comes back.

Tell me, isn't there supposed to be peace and joy in Your presence? Why then do I feel the pain deep within? Why do I feel fear? Why issit that there is such sorrow that the tears are never far away? Why issit that I'm so angry? Why do I keep on worrying?

I have so many questions - that I'm not sure that I can or even want to find the answers. How is it that what started well has come to this? Why has it come to this? Why do You allow it to be so? I am tormented by Your silence. I'm not in Melbourne and I can't go to St Kilda's. Tell me, how can I find You? I want to be anywhere but here. For as I seek You, I can't seem to find You - and I really need You right now.

Will I regret it?

For the first time in my life, I punched a friend because I was so angry with him. Maybe it's just the frame of mind that I was in. I just didn't figure that he'd be so stupid. I was so angry that I had an athsma attack(more like - I couldn't stop coughing) and I just couldn't breathe- I had to go back to my room and use the inhaler. I told him that I'll talk to him when I was able. The idiot (now understandably) yelled back at me and we both stormed off.

After punching him, I felt partially awful and partially glad that I did it. I felt awful because on hindsight, I shouldn't have done it no matter how angry I was. I felt glad at the same time-because he then knew that I was really angry with him and meant business. I felt so sick at the thought of being nice and acting like he did nothing wrong. I suppose that I'm going to have to apologise for punching him sooner or later.. *sigh*

I keep on wondering how a friendship that started well can end up like this. I know wounds from friends go deeper than those that you don't know.

I keep on wondering - God, when is all this rubbish going to end?

Better to feel than to kill...

"It's better to feel than to kill feelings - otherwise you're like a dead man walking." My pastor told me this earlier today. At that point I understood what he meant and I still do. However, for one in great pain there's nothing better than to feel nothing - even for a little while. I can understand how pain drives people to take drugs or to find other forms of relief. When one's in great pain, one would rather be numb.

As a follower of Christ, I am *trying* to work out what it means to 'take refuge in God'. Nothing seems to help - prayer, reading the Bible, reading books. Nothing. Not even my beloved music which I generally take great pleasure in - if anything, the pain seems to be magnified. It's a horrible place to be in. Am so tempted to take 'pain killers' - anything to be oblivious. There are times when I wish I didn't 'feel' so much. It's a blessing and a curse. Right now, it's a curse.

That being said, I am grateful for friends who make me laugh. Even though it may be over nonsense. I told one friend that his nonsense was weirdly comforting. It really is. When one is in pain, laughter is precious. You never appreciate how much so until you're in this place. While I have my friends around, the temptation to do anything stupid to cope with the pain lessens somewhat. It's during these times that I get a glimpse that God still cares somehow. Though I can't seem to find my way to Him, it's as if He comes to me. In those times, I think - pastor is not too wrong - perhaps it is better to feel than to kill those feelings...

Blessed Be Your Name...

Worship led this morning, and it was one of the toughest time for me personally thus far.. Technically, it went ok. A lot of church members told me that they found the time of worship singing really good. However, there were moments where I just really wanted to be on my knees and break down and cry. I was really really thankful for my team - they were really supportive and came at 6 something in the morning for the practice. They were aware that I was really sick earlier in the week - and that my voice could potentially give way at any time (due to recovery from the flu). They were not aware how hard I've been finding the last week and how much of a toll it took on me - aunty Suet Ling looked really worried when I shared with her during the prayer time(she already was telling me that she felt that the forces of evil were working full time. *sigh . My telling her how i was seemed to be a confirmation. :p).

It was rather frustrating during the first hour - the stage crew was not around and it really just dragged the practice. I wish that I was informed that the guy was not coming - I could've made some arrangements for him to come earlier. It did not help my already fragile state. I shudder to think what would've happened if I'd broken down. I was already pretty close to it.

We started the practice with the slower songs. With all that's been going on in the past week, I'd honestly forgotten which songs that I've chosen. It was a challenge to sing "Blessed be Your Name" but at the same time it was a good reminder. I did not want to be a hypocrite when I led the song and had to come to a point where I told God that I really wanted to Bless His Name no matter the circumstance. The rest of the slow songs really ministered to me. It was really weird-I was leading the worship, and yet it ministered heaps to me.

I struggled with the fast song - My Redeemer lives. Especially the bit about believing that my pain was healed in His name. I still struggle with it right now. I wonder if it's true. I guess I won't be singing the song for a while till I figure it out.

On the overall, I really really learn to say - 'Blessed Be Your Name' once again. I just praise God that He really sustained my team and I through the worship singing session this morning. I am seriously more grateful than words can describe.

Psalm 86

This passage comforted me somewhat this morning while I was reading it..

Psalm 86
A prayer of David.

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me,

for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.

You are my God;

save your servant who trusts in you.
3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,

for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant,

for to you, O Lord,

I lift up my soul.
5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,

abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

listen to my cry for mercy.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you,

for you will answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;

no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made

will come and worship before you, O Lord;

they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;

you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Fears...

There are times when certain fears tend to overwhelm and hold us very strongly in its grip. When it happens, it's really scary. You struggle and struggle till you're tired. You struggle and struggle until you're just worn out. The worst thing is when it still holds on to you.

A friend of mine was telling me the other day about how she was afraid of going to see the doctor. She's afraid of what he might say -that she's gotten worst. She's afraid to the point where she just gives in and gives up caring about her health. She's just tired of caring, tired of fighting. I really identify with her right now.

I'm afraid.

I'm terrified, scared, petrified - to the point of giving in and giving up. A part of me tells me to fight some more but I can't anymore... If pushed any further, I feel as if I'd break into a million pieces....

In this struggle, I ask - where is God in all this? He feels so far away... A part of me knows that He's there, just very far away. Another voice is saying that He doesn't care - if He did, perhaps I'd be more strong to fight this. Isn't His strength is made perfect when I am weak? I don't see that right now. I'm just afraid... God, I just give up-I don't know how to go on right now.. Please help me..

The Battle..

Her energy was low.. waning... No more... no more... She could not push on any longer..
The voices in her head also told her so.. It was all her fault - every single bit of it... You don't deserve it... Look at what you did to those you love... Look at what you did to your friends... It's because of you that they are hurt, that they are sick... It's all your fault...

Since when did you deserve to win this battle??? You are already too broken - too sick.. You are sick cos of your own foolishness... You're already a burden to the others.. Don't bother fighting any more.. Just give in - you don't deserve grace. You don't deserve mercy..

No, no... It's not true... He's shown me grace. He's forgiven me - they've forgiven me... She weakly argued.. You're wrong... You're wrong..

Really?? Even if they've forgiven you.. You know you are going to lose this battle anyways. Look at the havoc you've wreaked - the wrongs that you have done. You deserve to lose for that... You deserve every hurt, every pain that is inflicted on you.. Just give up... just give up... You barely have any strength left anyways... Just give up...

Her strength gave in... She lay there.. awaiting for the blow to fall upon her... After all, she desesrved it.. didn't she?? The voices in her head were right all along.. Don't show me grace... Don't defend me.. Just don't...

Right Brain or Left Brain???

My friend told me about this - which I find to be really fascinating!

The Right Brain vs Left Brain test...

Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise?
If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa. Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

Incidentally - I'm apparently a right brainer. I keep on staring at the thing and for the life of me I can't see it turning turning anti-clockwise. I tell you, it keeps on turning clockwise !!!

It is finished!!!!

AM done! Am DONE! AM DONE!

Finished my last church history exam ever this morning.. I think I should've done ok for that.

Finished my last assignment for the semester... *sigh* I'm going to have to study very VERY hard for the test..

Now going out to hang out with my girlfriends -need to get rid of stress.. Have not been sleeping well the last two nites even though sick. Didn't even take my medication this afternoon - afraid of falling asleep.... Looking forward to a good time with friends and getting some good rest tonite... before everything piles up again... *sigh*

One step at a time

There are some days that you wake and up and wish that you didn't have to go through the day. Today is one of those days for me. *sigh*

On top of all the work that needs to be done, I got shelling from a friend. Am also feeling crappier as the day progress. The worst thing is, my stomach can't decide if it wants food. One look at the stuff I have to eat, I just feel like throwing up. However, when I don't eat, I get hungry. :p

Am really looking forward to tomorrow at 5pm. I'm looking forward to some quality time with my girlfriends - am beginning to feel like a prisoner with minimal communication in the last few days. In the meantime, between now and then, it's just one of those days where you just put one step in front of you at a time-because you know that if you look up and see how much you have got left to go, you'll just really chicken out or just give up.

Pain-in-the-butt Doctor

Today, I visited the doc's. My last visit was two years ago - when I went to do medical check up for STM. After today's visit, I think I can very well go for another two years without seeing another one.. The long and short of it is the doctor was a super BIG PAIN in the butt. There's just no other way to describe it. It's just bad enough when one's feeling crappy - but it's another thing when the doctor asks you all these sarcastic questions and make snippy comments. When he went out of the room, I asked Lee Yng if it was ok to taruh him balik. Seriously - he was absolutely exasperating to the max. Hahaha - it's no wonder why my blood pressure is a bit on the high side. Already have stress with Isaiah assignment, stress with getting sick and now stress with an idiotical doctor. Lee Yng said that the doctor I had must be the one that Lucy calls 'sombong'. I later found out that Lan Yin went to him before and she also cannot tahan him. :P

The only good thing is that he gave me an inhaler for free. I also learnt why cough medicine tends to aggravate my cough instead of helping it most of the time.

The irony is- I now not only have to recuperate from my sickness, but also from my visit to the doctor. :p

Penang trip - Food Glorious Food and others...

These are the photos of Penang(that my sis and I took) of our stay there... Definitely lots of food photos!!

Trip to Penang - wedding dinner

On Saturday evening, attended Faye and Sze Whye's wedding dinner at E&O Hotel (I cannot believe that they have 4 wedding dinners to organise - one in Singapore, one in Penang, one in Ipoh and the final one in Shanghai). Am so glad for them, they are one of the loveliest couple I know. I was seated at the Melbourne Uni OCF-ers table (which just had to be most rambunctious table in the room). It was good fun to meet up with everyone again. There was free flow of red wine - which my friend Chris(pic on the left below) took advantage of (he found every excuse he could think of to give a toast-and coerce people to drink with him). Though he said he found the wine a bit sweet, I personally liked it.

I was telling my friend Lee Yng, being with them enabled me a glimpse of another world.

Let me explain more - I met Daniel Wan after 5-6 years of incommunicado. He's now working in HP, Penang. Am glad that he's doing great- he struggled a fair bit when he got back from Melbourne. Chris Quek, who tells me that he's constantly pictured in Malaysian newspapers for AcmaBooks is one of its CEO. Am particularly fond of him - he the kind of guy that shares EVERYTHING (and I mean everything! He told me about how much he gave the bride and groom and the reason for giving the amount, He also told me about what his mother has saved up for his future bride, he told me about his girlfriend and stuff, etc.. - you get the pic ) and he tries to call whenever he's in town. I always remember him for his amusing stories (He even told a story of a pastor who he says preached a 'porn sermon' at his friends wedding - those interested to know the details can come and ask me). Being the most senior on the table, we were constantly ragging him about getting married to which he says - in two June's time. Am looking forward to that day. *grin* Charlene (my former follow uppee) and Marcus married about a year ago and Marcus is heading his dad's construction company - which is now opening another branch in JB. They are quite down to earth ppl and as I constantly tell people, Marcus was one of the best cell group leaders I know. Sophia Goh was there, and she's a writer at a magazine here and Singapore.

Like I said, their world seems so different from mine - so VERY DIFFERENT - I wonder how my seminary learnings will be relevant in ministering to people like them or prepare me adequately in keeping up with them (I guess the onus will have to be on me).

Trip to Penang - visiting family..

Finally feel somewhat human after more or less sleeping the whole day today. Have a really bad flu bug. Hopefully won't have to go to the doc's tomorrow. I really hate going to the docs...

Anyways, I really had a great time in the last couple of days with my family in Penang. It's always great to spend time with Aunty May and Uncle Heng (pic on the right), Wei Ling, Wei Yen and Ku Kong. They're very lovely people - the kind of people you'd find hard to dislike.

As expected, we reached there at 2am. :p Wei Ling called us at 10pm and told us they were going to sleep and to call Aunty May's handphone when we arrive. Aunty May told us the next day that they couldn't sleep after that. *poor things* (Pic- Wei Yen, Wei Ling and I)

Mum woke up at 7.30am to join them for breakfast at the nearby pasar pagi - which was no loss to us in the end cos my sis and II had onde-onde and some loh mai kai for breakfast.. Yummy...

We went later to pick Ku Kong(pic) up for lunch. Aunty May arranged for us to have lunch at a German restaurant near the house (it was really lovely but we were looking forward to Penang food). Poor Ku Kong.. He's been having gout problems so he had a long list of what he COULDN'T eat. He stole a small bit of sausage from my mum and kept looking longingly at our food while he had dory fish and salad(Later on he took mum and sis out for 'tea' and kept on ordering heaps and heaps of food so that he can *share* with them- the old rascal.. hehehe). *poor thing*... That morning he had a bad headache and was telling us about it in the car on the way to lunch. He also told us that when he saw us, the headache disappeared. *awww... he's so sweet*... My family were thinking that we should make more effort in visiting him next year. The distance is rather a killer though.. *sigh*

One thing that always strikes my family whenever we visit them is this - they are one of the nicest and most 'pleasantest' people we know (even nicer than a lot of Christians). How does one share with them the gospel? How does one tell them of the One who has died for them? Mum always tells us to pray for their salvation - but why issit that I always feel that it's impossible?

Time with You

Today when I woke up
I wasn't feeling at the top of the world

And yet, I sensed that You were there..

It was just wonderful to just lie on my bed and just to talk to You

- About everything and anything

- To be still and hear Your voice before the day started to crowd in once again

- To fall in love with You once again

I'm still not feeling great but

Being with You has given me an assurance and strength

Not to feel so overwhelmed as I look at the day ahead

To get up and do the things that needs to be done

I'm contented...

Knowing that no matter how I feel

You're watching over me and that You're taking care of me

That You love me with an everlasting love

I'm once again amazed..

My Brother's 'cute' tagline

My brother's sense of humour tends to run along the lines of 'corny'. However, I really like this tagline that he put on his IM:

" life without the One, is like a donut - you can be 'holy' but you're really holey" - Sam Ng..

Back from Penang, Ipoh and Kuala Lumpur...

I am utterly and completely exhausted. *sigh* my immune system's really down cos I now have a cold and a bad headache. :( Will have to sleep soon. I'm glad to finally be back in STM after all the travelling and moving about over the weekend. For once, I'm actually glad to NOT be going anywhere tomorrow - planning to be 'a good girl' and stay in STM and get lots and lots of rest.

I had a fantastic time though- didn't do as much eating as I anticipated (which is both good and bad - I guess). BUT I had an extremely lovely time with my relatives and friends (at the wedding dinner). A pity that I could not catch up with my best-cousin in Ipoh this afternoon when we stopped by for a couple of hours... :( Will have to call her after my exams I guess...

Shucks... Really really REALLY need sleep now... Will blog more tomorr0w (just thought to post this up cos need to catch up with someone's post already *grin*)... More to come tommorrow - if I'm not drowned with church work, assignments and trip preparations by then..

Ramblings while munching on doritos and waiting...

*crunch crunch... *crunch crunch...

On my left is a packet of curry flavoured doritos and on my right is a bowl of guacamole (dug it out of the back of the fridge when i saw the doritos)... I must admit that it's a rather odd combination - but I must say that it goes rather well together... *munch munch..

On another thought - the fact that someone keeps telling me to count the calories is *maybe* getting to me.. Perhaps I shall stop... *soon*.. Maybe should save space for all the yummy food that I'll be eating in PENANG!!! hmmmmmm.... There goes the calory counting.. hehehe...

I reckon my love for food is going to get me into trouble one of these days. Mum used to lament(and still does from time to time) about my hedonistic tendencies - I love to eat, have fun, sleep, etc... Then again, when I have to work, I'll work just as hard... *munch munch... So to me, it just makes sense. Hahaha- my sister will prolly have lots to say about my convoluted logic when she reads this.

Am looking forward to go to Penang for the weekend. It's been around two years since we last went (or has it been longer?! I forget)... Am mainly going there over the weekend to attend ZY's and Faye's wedding at E&O Hotel tomorrow evening. Will be staying over with my Penang cousins and Uncle Heng and Aunty May. Looking forward to see Ku Kong again as well. He used to spoil us heaps when were kids. *fond grin* Looking forward to hanging out with my crazy and fun loving Singaporean friends...

Of course the other highlight of Penang is FOOD!! Think of all the delicious food that we'll be eating in the next few days! Poor Sam... He won't be able to come with us cos of his exams... He's going to miss all that lovely food!

In the meantime, am still waiting - waiting for Sam to come back from fetching Esther at work. Waiting for poor mum to wake up from her rest. The weather has been positively sweltering today and everyone feels like wilting flowers.

Hmmm... My appetite for dinner is definitely spoilt. *munch... Maybe have supper when we get to Penang. At this rate - poor Aunty May is going to have to wait for us to arrive at 2am... She's soooo going to regret that she told mum that she'd wait up for us to come. *sigH*...

Hmmm.... Perhaps I better go and look for the black pair of shoes - so my feet won't get blisters again....

Psalm 46 - A reminder

A song.
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her,
she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar,
kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields {9 Or chariots} with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

I wonder...

I was just thinking about the trip to Egypt ahead... The team leader there apparently is looking forward to having me there.. I was just wondering... I wonder how much I'll be a blessing to the people that I'll be with. I wonder how much of my skills will be useful... I wonder how much of my seminary studies is going to be needed...

It's going to be interesting to find out...

Spot the differences - or the similarities...

A comment from my friend this morning reminded me that I've yet to post up this pic.. Hehehe..

My Beloved Principal and the Budding NT Scholar.. *grin*

I love my phone camera!!! Pity the one at chapel the other day when both were speaking didn't turn out (Lighting was rather bad).

Trip preparation list...

Occasionally, when things just gets really crazy and there's heaps of things to do, an ingrained habit by my mum comes to the fore - making a list. It used to drive me crazy whenever she asked me to bring out a pen and paper to make a list but as I look back, it has certainly come in handy so that I don't miss out things.

Things to do before going for the trip (by 26th October):

1. Look for and purchase medical and travel insurance

2. Getting innoculations on the list provided

3. Shopping for adequate clothes

4. Get visa from Egyptian embassy

5. Prepare and send out prayer newsletter

6. Pack up room in STM

7. Pack up my room at home

8. Activate roaming services on my handphone

9. Fix my handphone

10. Back up the stuff on my computer

11. Learn Arabic words on list provided

12. Meet up with Andy

13. Meet up with Ps Elisha

14. Go out with Tim and Jon for a nice meal

15. Meet up with Sue Ann

16. Figure out which books and other stuff that I want to really carry along for my trip

17. Buy a few light-to-carry Malaysian stuff that I can give away as gifts

18. Settle all worship ministry matters :p

19. Call Tuaku (argh - almost forgot! I'll be so dead otherwise)

20. Collate the info on prayer newsletter

Hmmm... haven't included exams and assignments. aiyoh (so much to do in so little time)....

Trinity and Relationships...

On Sunday, CV Matthews preached a sermon on the Trinity and relationships in PJEFC. While this is not anything new to me(I remember Sherman preaching a similar message on Trinity Sunday in Camerons last year), it was a good reminder. The speaker, from India, started his sermon by sharing with us an Indian proverb "As is the king, so are his subjects. As is the god, so are the devotees." In essence, he preached that because God is a Triune(Tri-unity) God, it should be reflected in our relationships at work, at home and socially.

He shared many stories that really caught our attention and got the point across (I particularly liked the story about how he said that husbands can be inconsiderate- and that his wife of 26 years complained that he still did not know her. I appreciated the fact that he admitted it and is working on it. Hehehe- shows that it's never too late I guess).

I was especially struck by the conclusion of the sermon. He shared the story of Napolean addressing one of his errant soldier. Worse still, the misbehaving soldier was named after him. When he reprimanded the soldier, he said "Either change your behaviour or change your name."

As Christians, we should act like Christians. Otherwise, what if God sees us and says 'either change your behaviour or change your name."??? Hmm... definitely something to think about...

The challenge for me was this - what I believe about God is reflected in the way I live.

If I believe that God forgives, I too must learn to forgive those who has hurt me.

If I believe that God is gracious, I too must learn to show grace to others.

If I believe that God is love, I too must learn to love - not just the ones that are easy to love, but the people who are difficult as well.

If I believe that God gives second chances to me, I too must learn to give others a second chance.

If I believe that God has sacrificed much for me, I too must learn to sacrifice much for others and not merely give out of my convenience.

I think the question is, what about God do I truly believe? When I examine my actions, thoughts and words; how much of this reflect my belief in God? How great is the difference in my practice compared to what I believe in God in theory? I hope that the gap small - if not, hopefully it is getting smaller and smaller as I continue in this journey of faith with Him.

Trip to Egypt is on!

My trip to Egypt is finally confirmed- the Board sent out the official letter today and the not so official confirmation just on Saturday.

The tickets have been booked- will be leaving on 30th October and returning on 27th December (will need to rush back for Alicia's wedding -thankfully found out about it earlier.. otherwise I would've planned to come back later - prolly in January just before semester starts :p)...

For those who know me, I ask for your prayers.... Lots of preparations to do at the moment.. raise funds, pay for airfare, go shopping for more appropriate clothes, getting the visa, writing prayer newsletter, etc...

This is on top of assignments, exams, packing up in STM and packing up at home for the trip... I also ask for your prayer covering during this time of my journey of faith as things pick up more and more...

Thankfully, God has answered part of my prayers- I found out an hour ago I have now enough for the airplane ticket. :D

Vui Kian and Li Ming's Wedding

Attended Vui Kian and Li Ming's wedding yesterday... It was pretty good - worth the rushing down and back again (and being pretty exhausted as a result). Was super glad to be there to celebrate the special occasion with the happy couple - even though could only steal a few precious minutes to talk with them. Li Ming lamented that we couldn't talk for longer (She and Vui Kian also has been living really busy lives - they were going back to work today)...

I caught up with heaps of friends that I've lost contact with in the last couple of years. Met Sarah Wong, who's now a vet and work 60 hours a week. Met Darryl Foo, who's working as a businessman (despite his engineering degree) he's still the same old Darryl - ever helpful and just adorable. Met up with Li Min (who sorta disappeared off the ends of the earth and suddenly appeared). She's apparently been immersed in the hospital in the last 5-6 years and is now specialising on infectious disease. Met Chris Quek and gang (who, I will happily be meeting up again in Penang). Also met up with Janice Tan (one of my 'follow-uppees'). She's apparently now based in Dubai and will hopefully be able to meet up with her when I'm in Egypt!! Lastly, I was just really glad to see Vanessa San there. She's now a practicing psychologist in Singapore. I must go and visit her again. Met up with Andrew Chen and family. His son James was so adorable (he kept on pulling Chris' ears)... Hehehe... Mavis, Faye, ZY, Jocelyn, Aunty Marrilyn, Stewart Rae and wife, Yung Khan and Brenda, Seline, Gideon and wife, Simon Ng and wife were all there...

A few thoughts:
1. Everyone looks the same as ever (as if we have barely aged in the last five years - must be the blessing of being an Asian)
2. Everyone's really really busy and working crazy hours (most of them seriously work around the clock). In the midst of all that busy-ness I wonder how they have sustained their spiritual life and how it has changed since Melbourne Uni days? How have they learned to balance work and ministry? These group of ppl were one of the most vibrant group that I knew - I wonder how much things have changed with the pressure of work.
3. There were lots and lots of doctors around (not surprising considering that Vui Kian is one) - which just felt really weird cos everyone were rushing off at the end so that they could go back to work - never seen the hall cleared up so fast.

Vanities of a Female

I was attending a wedding dinner last nite in Singapore - one of those affairs where everyone had to dress up to the max.

To go with my dress, I wore a high heeled pair of silver shoes... Which I'm sooooo beginning to regret cos I have blisters on my poor feet.... *sigh....

Assignment, Wedding, Assignment, Wedding...

In the midst of assignments, mission trip preparation and exam preparation, I find myself having to squeeze some time in between (sorta like squeezing this post :p) to go down to Singapore this weekend and Penang the following weekend for my OCF Melbourne Uni friends wedding.

I'm relatively close to both the bride and groom of this weekend - hence the effort to go down in spite of it being super rushed and two pressing assignments due next week. :p I am rather looking forward to meeting them and old friends again.

The following wedding in Penang brings back memories- I remember that I used to play mahjong with the bride-to-be and two other girls and we would have our 'girly' talks. We also made a pact to attend each others wedding. So far, Charlene's is the only one married (She married our cell group leader last year). It's Faye's turn this next weekend. It'll be good to see everyone again - though I think Wan Qiu will not be able to make it cos she's in Netherlands with Thomas for the time being. :(

Journeying together, studying together

Have 4 assignments to complete between this week and next week. Have two to finish tonite- looks like it'll be an all nighter. :p
I'm thankful that I will not have to do this alone though - the support of my girl friends keeps me going on... Was also talking to some of my classmates and it was good that we were encouraging each other during this time of struggling through our assignments.

Thank You God for companions during this time..

I Will Bow To You

Another random song that I've been listening to out of my collection. It's simple but beautiful. It spoke and challenged me as I think through mission trip stuff.. It's just a pity that I can't get a better video with the music arrangement that I have on my com(which I think is heaps better).. But I guess it'll do..

I Will Bow To You - by Pete Episcopo
Lord I will bow to You
To no other God but You alone
Lord I will worship You
Nothing hands have made but You alone

Chorus:
I will lay down my idols
Thrones I have made
All that has taken my heart

New Book to Read!

Am so excited! I have a new fiction book to read (my favourite genre)! Met up with my pastorate group lecturer this afternoon for the customary student-lecturer evaluation talk. I shared with him my interest in fiction books -especially the ones that covers certain issues and provokes me to think more about those issues. He showed me a 'section' in his office where he keeps this particular genre. My heart seriously sang for joy when he showed me the books he has(God bless him! hehehe).. This comes at a good time since I've sorta gone through STM library selection and have finished the ones that I bought from the Doulos last year half a year ago. Have been pining for some good fiction book for while now... *sigh

Out of the whole lot, I thought I'd better be more circumspect and choose ONE - since I'm in the midst of assignments. I have this bad habit - if the book is really interesting, once I get started I'd read it through non-stop even if it means getting only 1-2 hours of sleep (as well as neglect my assignments! :p). This book "Twilight" by Elie Wiesel looks really promising. He wrote it out of his experience during the Holocaust. I can't wait until I finish all my assignments next week to get started on it! :D Oh boy oh boy oh boy!!!!

Ps: On a side note, I'm hoping to get a quite a few new *serious* books with the help of a friend within the next couple of months! Really looking forward to that too!

Struggling faith

Am in the midst of one of those seemingly 'pressing' seasons. The upcoming mission trip has understandably been taking a huge chunk of my thoughts. Assignments have just had to occupy whatever that's left.

Due to the mission trip, my prayer life has been greatly challenged(an area that I sense the Lord wanted to work on since the beginning of this year). There has been moments when I find myself arguing with God, pleading with Him and just bringing my worries to Him. I have been joyful, distressed, afraid, discouraged, hopeful, filled with faith at times and yet hopeless at other times in the last few weeks. One of my young people who has also been contemplating another trip mentioned to me that she marvelled that I was so seemingly sure of what I wanted. I told her- if only she knew the struggle that's within. I was so discouraged at some points and have just wanted to give up and call the whole thing off. Last week was just one of those times.

One of the few things that keeps me going is that during the lowest period, I see God intervening - through friends and family, through His Word. Without all these things, I seriously do not think that I'd keep on keeping on. I was also challenged when one of my young friends from CUG shared about her mission trip to Cambodia last week. She shared about how God challenged her prayer life - how sometimes it's been so easy to pray and just walk away. This resonated something within. I realised then how afraid I've been to ask God for what I really wanted in fear of being disappointed. There has been times lately when I've just prayed and my faith has been so small. There has been times when I've wondered if He'd answer especially when my prayers have been coloured by doubts. However, I've come to the conclusion that this struggle I have is not a bad thing. Deep inside, I've been needing a huge challenge to my faith for a while now. The last main one was the challenge of coming to seminary and coping through the first semester.

On another note, assignments have not been taking as much priority as I'd like it to at the moment. I was lamenting to one of my girlfriends earlier this afternoon- I worry that I don't seem to be worried about assignments and its deadlines these days(compared to the first semester where I was literally terrified). Some days, I find my attitude towards assignments this semester rather worrying - somehow it's been a struggle to give 100% to my assignments instead of just going through the motions to meet the course requirements. *sigh* I really hate that. I wish that I feel that I'm learning something instead of doing it just for the sake of doing it. Of course it's not like this for all the subjects, but it's just a general feeling for most of my subjects.

Kidnapped!

G and I 'kidnapped' Dan's spongebob square pants during Isaiah class today... hehehe.. thought it looked cute sitting on my computer... hehehe

Just for laughs

Last weekend, I informed one of my colleagues in church that this Saturday will be a Public Holiday for Selangor, so there would be no need to go into the church office on that day. NORMAL people would probably say - 'that's great! day off!' 'Can sleep in'....

The response from my colleague: "Hallelujah. Praise the lamb on the throne. He is the Lord, creator of heaven and earth and also creator of public holiday"..... :p

PS: somehow, it feels more fun to TELL other people about it than posting it up on the blog.. hehehe...

Pastoral group this morning

This morning, I apparently woke up for this particular pastorate group activity (Ps Suan has apparently been really hooked into it and I guess he thought to share his joy in it after he read John 3:16 and prayed):

To Know Forgiveness Is To Forgive...

I find forgiveness is one of the hardest lesson to learn. When I am hurt, especially by people whom I call friends (being hurt by strangers don't seem to bother me that much) - I instinctively want to lash out and hit back HARD. After all, I'm the one who's in the right - and they, being the stupid people they are, are TOTALLY WRONG... Worse still, they should know better than to hurt me because they are my friends... right??

After all the crying, the struggling and the questioning - I usually find myself totally tired. 'Sien'(fed up) would be a better word. It's when I reach this point that I seem to have no options left - except to turn to Him.

The most amazing thing is: I seem to find rest and refreshment in Him. Like a weary, aching body finds its respite on a comfortable and cozy bed. Like a parched soul that quenches its thirst from cool streams of water.

It's in these moments when my Father seems to comfort me and call me His child.

It's in these moment that I remember the grace that He has shown me.

It's in these moments that I am reminded of His mercy.

I begin to see my lack - my own stubborness, my pride, my self-righteousness and the how little I love.

I begin to see the lack of mercy and lack of forgiveness that have pervaded my every thought.

It's in that moment.... I learn to forgive - despite the hurt and the pain inflicted, despite the injustice.

How could I do any less, when He has forgiven much? Shown more mercy and grace then I could ever deserve? When I've done so much more stupid things that I'd hope to be forgiven for and already have been?

Once again, I learn the lesson of forgiveness...

Ramblings

Had a good weekend especially since the week was one filled with struggling with the depravity of humanity. I suppose that I should be cynical and not be surprised - then again, I hoped for better (as I always tend to do) - perhaps then I would not be as disappointed. On the other hand, I do question myself if I would do the same thing if I was in the same position. Something that took much grappling with.

Back to the weekend. Attended a talk on Saturday. Found it more interesting than I thought it'd be. For me, it was rather eye opening to see what others are saying about the subject. As with all talks, it is not surprising to meet up with old friends. I was particularly gratified to meet up with a good friend whom I've lost contact with in the past year. Met up with another friend too who'll be going overseas soon. Look forward to catching up with him later on this week. Went to church after the talk and unexpectedly ended up playing the piano - the pianist had to go off somewhere. :p After which, EJ and I practiced a sketch for the following day. Went for a good dinner with EJ and LKY - especially enjoyed the ice cream dessert. :)

However, by the time I went home, my throat suddenly felt sore and I distinctly felt tired. Had an early rest and woke up in the middle of the night with a slight fever. Prayed really hard that I would not be too sick to play the piano as well as act. Thankfully, when I woke up, I felt much better. Worship went well and the sketch that EJ and I did at Canaan Baptist Church too. When I got home on Sunday afternoon, I blissfully collapsed on my bed.

Am now in one of my more lucid moments for today. Have been feeling rather unsociable and taciturn - not a big wonder considering one's head perpetually feels like exploding, one's body constantly alternates between feeling hot and cold, having a crappy sorethroat to the point that one's voice is now gone - despite sleeping all the time since Sunday afternoon. Perhaps if someone removed my throat and my head, I would feel much better. :p The only blessing is that I seem to have lost my appetite - I still feel my lunch resting in my stomach. My friends have been persuading me to go to the doc's - which I am stubbornly resisting. Perhaps tomorrow.

Sorta makes me wonder if I too try to fix all of life's problems like this. Rather than going to The Healer, I try to sort things out on my own - unless in desperation (like the middle of Sat night)... Hmmm....

All I Want To Do

Have been in a rather melancholic mood today and yesterday - I think it's just a combination of the stress of having to finish a huge assignment by tomorrow, disappointment with people and worrying about the mission trip. Thought that I managed to hide it- but somehow one of my lecturers even pointed out that I've been frowning a lot today. My faith just seems so small at the moment. The few things that seem to be keeping me from sinking completely are the support of my girlfriends and humorous comments from a friend that seems to come at the most stressful of times - glimpses of the Father's hand upholding me.

In the midst of all this, I find myself listening to this song. The first verse especially just really voiced out my thoughts at this time. In dealing with disillusionment and disappointment, it spoke to me as I struggle not to react. To learn to choose to do the will of the Father and remember His grace towards me.

All I Want To Do - Ginny Owens


CHORUS
All I want to do, is give this life to You
All I want to do, is give this life to You
All I want to do, is give this life to You
And let Your will be done, until it's all I want to do

VERSE 1
How does doubt slip in, so silently?
And why does condemnation come so naturally?
Why do I still get the best of me?
Loving so little and living so selfishly?

CHORUS

VERSE 2
What have I been given by Your grace?
Will I come to understand this mystery I embrace?
Make of me a new creation now,
Fill me with all You are and be all I am some how.

Faith so fragile
Reaching for Your hand

CHORUS

Assignment Lessons

It's now 4 something. I have an assignment due at 5pm tomorrow (but will have to finish earlier so I can reach church for CUG in time). I have not finished my readings for the assignment at this point - a slightly scary prospect since I have at least another 2 books to read AND the 1500 words to write (as well as the bibliography and footnote). :P

I have a dinner to go for, gardening to do (am still hoping that it'll rain - but the sky looks clear. :( ) and attend chapel in the morning. I have not started panicking yet. Though I think I *might* start freaking out later at 12am if I have not finished my readings. Will hopefully be coherent enough to finish my writings by 5am - at least that's the plan for now.

As I take a slight time out to reflect, a few things come to mind

1. I should not change topic at the last minute next time - and hence up in messes like this.

2. Am thankful for VERY supportive classmates who are willing to share their resources.

3. Compared to last year where I'd be seriously out of my mind by now - by God's grace, I've learnt to cope better in situations like this by taking one step at a time and not get myself overwhelmed...

Looks like I'll have to go for gardening now.. :p

Trying to carry an airplane??

Don't you wonder at the things some people do??? Hehehe...

Colourful Dog

How (not) to colour a dog?!?!!?

Random thoughts

- I had TWO breakfast this morning. First one was with Lan Yin's family. Second one was with pastorate group. Should not be eating lunch... :p

- I have TWO assignments due this week - one tonite, one on Friday (getting a LITTLE worried about this friday's assignment).

- I have TWO Ocf-er weddings to attend at the end of this month and early next month. They are on the opposite ends of Malaysia. :p

- I need sleep..