Happy Belated Birthday Sherman!

I know that this post comes a day late, but some things just should not be left unsaid (anyways knowing you, the lateness of this post prolly bothers me more than it does you - if it does at all :) ). I'm writing this to express all that I couldn't in the sms.

To my friend Sherman,
Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a great friend. Though I've only known you for less than half a year, you've already impacted my life more than some people that I've known for years. You've accepted me for who I am and I'm thankful -cos I've learnt what it is not to have to wear a mask and know that I'll be loved for who I am anyways, warts and all.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a teacher. Though you're not exactly my lecturer -yet you've challenged my views on life in many ways and have caused me to re-examine and consolidate my thoughts. "Objectify-ing", "' I- it'ing", "'I-thou'-ing", "embodiment", "friend of God", "journeying together", "brokenness", "dignify-ing", etc... are stuff that you've taught me in the past few months that I'm quite sure I'll be carrying with me for the rest of my life.

Happy Belated Birthday - thanks for being a big brother. Your care and concern for the three of us have not gone unnoticed and unappreciated. The ice-cream sessions, going out for food, movies, hanging out at your place and studying together have been very much treasured (especially the ice creams -hehehe).

Happy Belated Birthday - yes, age should be just a number... when we look at you, we don't look at you as a 30 year old *cheeky grin*. Rather - we see you as a friend, teacher and big brother. You being you have been a great blessing to me and those around you. Thank you.

Holiday reflection and highlights

Current feeling: Sleepy/longing to go home and spend time with family/reflective/can't wait to go back to STM and settle down for the new semester

Am back in the office again after a fantastic week-long holiday. Didn't go anywhere exotic or different, but because of the company I had, it was definitely one of the best breaks/holidays that I had. :)

Cameron Highlands holiday highlight
The tea times at Boh plantation and Cameron Valley - just sitting with my friends and just talking and kidding around.
Visit to OA village with dad and oli, dan and sk.
SK's message on Trinity.
Seeing dad through sk's and dan's eyes - learnt to love dad more.
The guys wrestling in the middle of the night - that was just super hillarious.

JB highlights
Meeting dan's family - felt really at home in his place (like home away from home). His family is so nice and similar to mine(except for our dads)..
Eating supper with dan's family at their longtime family fav place near the seaside facing singapore....
Lunch at Victor's - had fried sardine balls for lunch with curry and rice for the first time - it was yummy.
Eating ice kacang 'up on a tree' with jacob, his gf, ben and dan
Having breakfast with lucy and dan - eating half boiled eggs and bread.. Yummy!


Singapore highlights and comments
Major highlight was meeting up with my closest cousin sherene. Was there for under under 24 hours but every moment spent with her was precious. It was just like good old times where we just have so much to share with each other and how God seems to be teaching us the same lessons at the same time. As usual, parting was not easy.

Comments on Singapore: Don't think I would want to live there in the long term. Though it reminded me of Melbourne (the home of my heart), there was just too many people around. After being conditioned to living in Seremban, living in kl already takes some adjustment. Singapore life is just so crazy where everyone is just so BUSY and RUSHED. *shudder* Nevertheless, it was just good to go for a day - the most I think I can take is prolly one week to visit friends.

Additionals
Learnt to watch world cup - though I'm not exactly a soccer fan. But dan's patient explanation of the rules and stuff helps in understanding the game.

Dear God,
Thanks heaps for the awesome holiday and awesome friends. After all, all good things come from you. I'm truly grateful.

Checking in and checking out

Am in JB rite now at a friend's house - just came back from a great holiday trip with my friends. Had a great time sleeping, eating, chatting (we did a lot) and laughing, drinking tea, watching dvds and football matches.

Lots to think about and learnt a lot of things - about myself and learnt to appreciate my dad a whole lot more than I used to. :)

okies... checking out now. Am tired and want to have a shower and hang out wiht my friend's family which reminds me a lot of mine.. heheh.

Some thoughts for today

I think my mind's turning into mush.. I was mid-way reflecting on something this morning and half way through, I lost my train of thought! :P It's must be because of editing the songbook for church - tiring, repetitive and tedious work... Thank God I'm almost done! Another 100+ songs to go and I'm DONE!!! - well I have the indexing to do - but it's easy peasy compared to the editing bit. I salute editors who do this kind of job everyday... My poor eyes are protesting from staring intently at the screen for hours at the time for the third week in a row now...

Speaking of tiredness, I'm really looking forward for the holiday with my friends!! A break is going to be very much needed after these 3 weeks and the past few months of working hard. My body is feeling like it's gonna get sick soon. *grimace* Uncle Sam seems to have this sadistic pleasure in stacking more stuff on top of my desk for me to go through or to distribute in the past few days.. :P Everytime when I think that I've cleared the pile, more arrives on my desk-AARrrgghhhh!! Add Uncle LD's request to the list.. *die*

Other than my goals to complete the songbook, I've thankfully managed to look through some materials for Christmas and at least came out with one material with gramps and DT (Had a great time having 'girl-talk' over lunch with her today*grin*). Managed to catch up with a couple of ppl - but not as many as I'd hope. SA's gone for a mission conference in Singapore and things seems to be quieter around here without her...*sigh*

Ok - back to the editing - still have another 30 songs or so to go for today. *grimace* God please refresh my poor eyes.

Following You

I'm desperate for You today
I'm weary with the problems that I see around me
I want to give up struggling, I want to give up fighting
I just want to break down and cry
For those who are hurting, for those who are lost and need You
The day is only half way through and I already feel exhausted
Please be my strength for another day - for today

I say this with apprehension and fear
Knowing nonetheless that Your ways are always better than mine
"Guide me and lead me today - I'll follow where You lead"
Trusting that You'll provide strength along the way
Trusting that even if it gets harder
You love me - and that is enough

Redeemed

My eyes are fatigued from staring at the screen the whole day. Am still in the office-have just decided to take a break and take pity on my poor eyes(I can type my thoughts out with my eyes closed) that has been staring at the screen most of the day.
Jazz music's playing in the background. Quite soothing. :)

Have been reading this book called 'Atonement Child' which addressed the issue of abortion in fiction form. The brings to life the struggle that women goes through when they decide to abort a child. The main story is about a girl who was raped and became pregnant and the choices that she had to make and how her circumstances affected her family - especially her mother and her grandmother who went through abortion for different reasons and the pain they felt after.

One thing that sticks out after reading the book is the word 'Redemption'. Never realised how beautiful the word is....
I am blown away by the fact that I am redeemed by God...
Against all reason and human comprehension- I am redeemed..

Offering

Paul Baloche

The sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
There is no shadow in Your presence
No mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
Before the holy one of heaven

Pre-Chorus
It's only by Your blood
And it's only through Your mercy, Lord I come

CHORUS
I bring an offering of worship to my king
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus, may You receive the honor that You're due
O Lord I bring an offering to You

You Are...

You are my Best Friend
You are my Father
You are my God
You are my Lord
You are my Saviour
You are my Redeemer
You are the Lover of my Soul
You are my Help in time of need
You are my Strong Tower
You are my Rock
You are my all in all....

Starbucks and Used teabags, Mee Rebus and Oranges

It's been a good tiring weekend. On Sunday, it was fantastic to hang out with friends - communing in church, lunching together, discussion for Cross Gen camp, movie (X-Men rocked) and fellowship over dinner.

Yesterday was another awesome day. I'm especially glad to meet up with a dear and wise friend. I've come to realise how it's indeed good to have him and my mum around to give wise counsel. Anyways, I met up with this friend at Starbucks and had great conversation over great coffee. I was challenged by his heart for the poor and the oppressed. I still remember the story of how they were struggling with the loss of a boy in their community that they're living among and ministering to and how much he meant to them. I was amazed when he said of how terribly they are treated - even when they're given stuff... He's seen ppl give 'used teabags' and how much people are calculative when they 'help the poor'. I won't be able to blog about how much he's helping the community he's with and the struggles that he faces in detail. But his life amazes me. I appreciated his openness to share his brokeness with us. I thank God for people such as him in my life to continually challenge me.

Time passed by so swiftly when we were with him... Could have sat there for hours to listen to his stories and his life experience. Went to another friend's house for some fantastic mee rebus (there were chicken and beef!) and there was yummy barley drink...

Went to visit a friend at the hospital after that, and a friend brought oranges (which sue ann was eye-ing shamelessly) hehhe... It was good to see people in Cross Gen congregate in that room and show care and concern for a sister in Christ. :) Am glad to see how people are taking initiative to have fellowship with one another within cross gen - popiah parties get together, board game get together, ice cream get together, baking parties get together, mee rebus get togethers, etc... Am excited to see what God is doing in our midst.

Grace

The thought came to me...
Why did You pick me?
Why did You choose to love me?
When I look inside
There seems to be so much that is in want
So much that is flawed
So much that is broken
So much that is unlovable

And yet...
You died for me
You came and met me where I was
You love me and saved me
From a life of utter hopelessness
You healed my wounds
You still do today
You show me the beauty of things
In the midst of a broken world

Your grace amazes me
My heart is filled with awe and wonder
Of Your love for me
Your love that is unfathomable
It's way beyond my comprehension
Tears of flows down
I'm amazed and left speechless

This week

I have been back in the office for a week now. It's been a long week in some ways and yet short in others. I wish that time would be slower, so I could finish the songbook and then have a good holiday with my friends in couple of week's time. On the other hand, I wish that time would fly, so I could hang out with my friends again-I miss them heaps. (heheh- what a contrary creature I am sometimes).

After being back here for a week, I've discovered that being here once a week is vastly different from being here almost everyday. I've needed to re-adjust to being in the office everyday again. I realised that I miss the greenery in STM and my friends especially. Other than my family,I don't get much interaction with friends. Everyone seems to be busy with their own life (I suppose that I'm at fault as well - the need to get this songbook done does bring out an unsociable side of me). Am also reacquanting myself with the late(r) hours I use to keep here and the frequency of which I used to stay over - more so than my own home. I'm envisioning camping out here next week so that I can finish the songbook on time. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss sports time in STM too. I've been itching to play basketball. It's been ages! Maybe I could go and practice at the sports centre upstairs - but no fun without friends.

Ok- enough with the pity party. One good side of being back is the GOOD FOOD. I'm sure that I've put on some weight since coming back home. Have been eating mum's bah kut teh and other home cooked meals, garlic cheese naan (my fav!) at Roti & Rice, I also had lunch with a colleague and was treated to lamb shanks and the works and today we had staff lunch and we had pizzas AND KFC chicken.... Seriously, how not to put on weight??? :P Added to that, I'm sitting on my butt in the office the whole day....So different from life in STM...

Another 'up' side is I do have one or two evenings to chill out with my mum to watch tv - at least got to see the season finale of American Idol. Was dissapointed that Katherine lost but I think that Taylor deserved it in the end cos he did really well for his last performance.
I've had more time to read other kinds of books. Have been reading a few short mysteries and a few christian novels. Started to read a theology book a friend recommended but am just too tired at night to read heavier stuff at the moment... Brain cannot take it on top of the other stuff that I have on my mind.

A lot of reflections have been going on - some I'm still wrestling with. Some days my head feels heavy with the thoughts that runs through my head. One thing that I was contemplating was about the importance of what I say. I have been rather bewildered by a friend's action from church this week. I'm amazed at the hurtful things that can come out from someone who professes to be a Christian - I know Christians are not perfect people - especially not me. I hope that I'm not like that and if I happen to say things that have hurt others, I hope that I have true friends who will hit me on the head when I do it. I cringe and shudder at the damages caused. My heart just weeps.

On the other hand, I'm glad for friends who speaks encouragement into my life in whatever way. Sometimes, just when the day seems as bleak as night, God sends friends who cheers me up and lift me up. Their words are like a ray of light in a bleak world and like a balm to a hurting wound.

Hmmm.... I think that's all I have to blog for now... My eyes are feeling really bleary from staring at the computer the whole day. They're screaming for a break already.

End of semester reflections

Semester 1 is officially over - the occasion was marked with a wonderful closing service yesterday. The past weeks have been rather crazy - rushing to finish assignments, preparations for exams, packing, tying up odds and ends, trying to spend whatever time left with friends who will be graduating.

As I sit here in the quiet of my church office, I'm beginning to feel the after-effects of being back for the next few weeks. I already miss the community life that I've been accustomed to for the past 5 months. I miss my friends especially (2 of which have just left me here in church about half an hour ago) and can't wait to see them again - at least I'll be seeing two of them next weekend - and am already looking forward to see them again... *SIGH*

As I look back at my time in STM, I've come to realise how much I've grown.. My life has been enriched by many friends - whom I've come to love heaps. I've learnt many lessons - in and out of class. I continually testify to God's sustaining grace - with all the hours of sleep (or rather - lack of sleep) that I keep, I'm amazed that I'm still standing and healthy. I'm amazed that I made it through the semester despite my weaknesses and struggles. On top of that, I'm amazed that I'm doing ok academically - better than I expected(then again, with the time limit that I have, I just expected to just pass my subjects). I'm amazed that I completed my assignments (I've come to realise that I have some serious mental blocks when it comes to assignments that I really need to work on or else I'm just going to die the next semester with the heavier hours).

I will sorely miss Victor the next semester. He has been a great big brother to me and to many others. I will miss the teh tarik sessions of sharing stories with him. One of the things that I'll miss most is that he usually takes me out for great Indian food and encourages me to try new Indian food stuff and patiently explaining to me about them. When we're doing our steward group duty, he gives great advice about what to do and not to do and why... I will miss his patience and understanding with me.

Dear God,
Thank You for this semester and the lessons learnt. Thank you again and again for the many friends that you've placed in my life. Thank You for Daniel, Oliver and Sherman who have blessed me tremendously with their friendship. They've taught me so much about what it means to be friends with You.
Thank You for Jacob who shows his cares and concern for me in many ways. Thank You for Victor, Gerrad, Guna and Jegan who takes me out for teh tarik sessions with them and for the stories that we share. Thank You for Silvester who brings a little bit more colour to life in STM and who is a great friend to me as we share our struggles with our assignments and encourage each other throughout semester.
Thank You for Lee Yng and Lucy- my closest girl friends in STM who I pray together with. Thank You for their support and for their sisterhood.
Thank You for the many others, though I may not know them that well, they've blessed me in many small ways and have made living in STM colourful and wonderful.
Thank You for the lecturers who have dedicated their lives to mold us. I have learnt a lot from many of them.
Thank You Thank You Thank You.

I love You heaps...

Giving my best

Am supposed to be doing some reflections for Christian Spirituality - but got sidetracked by this nice song by GMB "Kuberi yang terbaik"(*sigh* I have to learn to be more focused) and have decided to some reflection on it instead.

I hear many times about giving my best to God. It is preached over the pulpit - and there is so much about giving our best.
I find myself asking, what does it mean by giving my best to God... Is there a boundary? At what cost and by what and whose standard? In what form does it come? I look at my own life that seems to be full of activities and things to do. Many times I do it because I want to give my best - my best years, my talents and abilities - for God. But does if I've got lots of abilities and so little time, how do i give my best and at what cost? Is it at the cost of time with my family, my health, my studies, my rest or fun time with friends? Where does one draw the line? There is an emphasis to give more than we can afford and when one does so, it is considered an act of faith. Where is the line between faith and foolishness?

I wonder....

Weekend entry

I'm back at STM again and am about to finish another assignment by tonight. It's been a long weekend as usual good in some ways and a struggle in others.

The past has a way of coming back and confronting you in many ways. Just this week, my uncle from Melbourne came back. To be honest, I had mixed feelings about him coming here. On one hand, I love him heaps and I know that he loves me and wants the best for me. On the other hand, our last few conversations over the phone have somehow ended with on a slightly sour-ish tinge - mostly because of his ideas of 'a better future' for me clashes with mine and I guess he can't understand the path that I've decided to take (not surprising - a lot of people I'm close to can't understand either) and a few other factors. However, whatever time we had with him was great - and I was reminded of great memories of just hanging out with him in the evenings and helping him with gadgets, talking to him about my aunt and cousin, about church, about gadgets or just watching documentaries or news with him. Realised how much I missed that part of my relationship with him.

I was also reminded about another uncle in my family - I was very close to him until he left for his studies in Australia... Am always saddened whenever I think about him. He is a very broken person - so broken that I wonder if he'll ever heal. I struggle with God and get rather melancholy whenever I remember him. Many times I wonder if our prayers for him will ever be answered.

On another note, in going back to church I find myself again in a very uncomfortable position. It feels like a clash of two worlds sometimes. I struggle with the things I'm learning here in STM and applying it in church. I struggle with the fact that it's hard for people to understand me as to where I'm coming from - then again, should that really matter to me? I continually ask myself, what is the Lord teaching me and what do I do with that? Am I meant to impart it or keep it to myself? If I'm meant to impart - how do I do so? Can I do so without being too lofty to be understood and too idealistic? Is it possible for me to bring them to the place of understanding that I find myself (then again... I'm still learning and internalising what I'm learning so I'm not 'there' yet and then again, I have a feeling that it'll be a long time before I get there - if I ever get there)... Or is it better that I keep quiet and keep my thoughts to myself?? If so, how do I respond when people ask me as to what I'm learning in STM? *sigh*

On a more positive note, my sister's graduation ceremony was today... Had to forgo it but we managed to take photos together. Am so proud and happy for her. :)

He gives and takes away

I went to that place again
Of confusion and wrestling with Him
The struggle of opening the palm of my hands
And giving Him the things that has been in my grasp
The gifts that He had given me
Was perhaps beginning to become more precious to me than Him

So when He asked if I'd give them back to Him
And did not promise to give me something better
Nor promise to give them back to me
I struggled and struggled
Till my soul was weary
And my heart felt bruised again

Slowly, my tightly clenched fists opened
And with palms upturned in surrender
I said to Him "You give and take away"
He in His grace said, "I love you, my child and friend
You may have them again"

With tears in my eyes
I looked at the gifts on my palms
And loved them and appreciated them more
Because they were truly gifts from Him
And they taught me again of His love for me

Food and fellowship

Lucy and Lee Yng - my prayer partners at STM

Had dinner with Lucy and Lee Yng- my prayer partners at STM... Had a great time of fellowship, sharing and praying together in the midst of our final week of classes. It was good just to take a short 'time out' of our assignments and stress and have good food together..

Our drinks - the coffee ice blended was really good. The other two had the toxic looking things - kiwi and carrot... eeewwww

Also went out for lunch with Silvester - another STM student here - had awesome nasi briyani and had a great time of fellowship with him and learning more about his story- about his wife, his calling and his family. I was very encouraged by his sharing and sad that we only had a short time of fellowship as we both had presentations to do after that - which I found out at midnite that I didn't have to do it in the first place cos I was auditing the subject... :P Good thing it's one of my favourite subject... However... Now I have to decide whether I want to do the assignment and change it to a credit subject.. *sigh* decisions, decisions...

Am glad that things are working out in certain areas of my life again - have been feeling rather disconnected cos of stress with assignments. I definitely need to work out something better for next semester - like start earlier!!! *sigh*.... and I should also be looking at my pile of work instead of blogging.... :P

Reflections and kids

Had a great time over the weekend - albeit it was rather tiring. Went for a camp in PD and was helping my mum out with the kids programme along with Oli and Sue Ann. Came back and collapsed for a few hours... While it was very 'action packed' and required a lot of planning, I had some opportunities to just sit and think through certain things - though it meant having to forgo time with friends that I really wanted to spend time with...

Reflecting on good memories
It was just great to be able to sit in the mornings(and evenings) and just gaze out into the ocean... I was just reminded about the times when I was in Melbourne and how I would just hop on to a tram and take a ride to St Kilda beach and just sit at the jetty for an hour - the cold wind blowing in my face, the sound of the ocean in my ears and just enjoying the vastness of the ocean - while I was just enjoying the warmth of my coat and how every once in a while I'd rub my hands together to get warmer.

I'd remember the times whe I'd just walk along Southbank (A river at the edge of Melbourne city)- just for the fun of it and just enjoy the scenery. It was one of the highlights of my time in Melbourne and it was just great to just walk alone (and yet not quite alone) and reflect and just conversing with God and appreciating the work of His hands.

I remember going to these places when I just wanted 'time out' - times when I was just depressed about life and when I had certain issues that I was struggling with and needed solitude time - when I needed something more than the solace that people provide.

So when I went to PD, while I had a great time with the kids, God knew how much I have been yearning for 'time out' - I've been suggesting to a friend that we could take a drive to PD just to go to have solitude time with God at the beach for a while now- even though it meant 5 mins or so sometimes. I know that God is everywhere, but for me, there's just something about bodies of water or nature and time with God..

Reflection about children

I've also realised that it's been a while since I've spent so much time with kids - the big ones at STM doesn't count *hehehe* - I think the last time was with the Christmas programme last December but even then it was different. Got to know some of them and I must say this about kids - they can be a rather handful at times, but they bring great joy(No. I am not brooding to have my own. I've decided a while ago, that I'd let God decide for me in this area). There is this air of innocence about them and they just say it as it is - if they don't like certain things, they just say it - and you just know where you stand with them.

I know many people who find children intimidating - and it does rather take some skill to bring them up. Nevertheless, I can't explain this clearly, but relating to them is very different from relating to someone your age or older - and in a way, I've learnt about how God relates to us as His children - very different from just being a friend... It reminded me that while I am learning a lot about friendships, God relates to us in very different ways and how He is indeed our all in all.

As I interacted with the children and thoroughly enjoyed them, the thought of children who don't have the security that these children have - those who go hungry, those who see violence everyday, those that are involved in prostitution for whatever reasons - passed through my mind... Though they may not realise it, the children that I was with are blessed - sure, they too have issues that they struggle with - but they are blessed nevertheless.

Hanging out with Sue Ann and short reflection on shopping
It was great to have Sue Ann there and it was a different way of spending time with her. It twas the first time we walked together on a beach while we shared our hearts and it was a first for us both to be serving together in a children's programme. We realise how different it is from serving together with the Cross gen ministry.

We also went shopping - am not fond of shopping - but she was telling me about how cheap these shirts were and I've been wanting to get some new tops anyways (They were all below RM10!!!). I bought 3 shirts that I'm pretty satisfied with. I also bought a necklace - I have a thing for certain types of necklaces.. (Sue Ann said - BLUE AGAIN?? *heheh*.. I would've gotten a purple one if they had any but those are harder to find.)

Anyways, while I was looking for a necklace, I was looking around and asking myself, "what makes it THE deciding factor for me?". I realised that many times, I have a perception of what something should be like and my preferences come into play.. Most of the time, I find that I buy stuff that meets or surpases those expectations.. I'm sure that more reflection can be done on this - but brain was tired d... The heat was a killer this afternoon too... :P

Sue Ann and I went for a ride to check out our upcoming Cross Gen camp site.. She was pretty excited about it when we saw the place.. I was quite impressed and we're both looking forward to the camp... We scoped the place twice and acted like a bunch of tourists. *hahaha*
She sent me back to STM and I showed her around the place - so she could get a 'visual' when I tell her stuff the next time... :)

All in all, it was another tiring but great weekend.

Be still and know that He is indeed God

Feel almost human again after almost 12 hours of sleep - not that i planned it.. Was reading on my bed (a bad habit of mine) and just fell asleep and just didn't get up till almost 8 this morning - upon which I jumped out of bed because I remembered that I was supposed to play the piano at chapel service at 8! I think Desmond(the worship leader) was getting somewhat worried... Nevertheless, it was a good time of worship singing and it was great to be in the same team as Lee Yng and Jacob - there is a connectedness between us as we worshipped together through our playing..

Have a test in less than an hour's time, church work to do, a stack of reflection to do, presentation preparation for next Wednesday, assignment due the following Monday and finals the following week, a letter to reply, people to catch up with(hehe - i feel exhausted again just listing it out)... Will be away over the weekend to help my mum along with Oli and Sue Ann with a children's programme and am praying that everything will turn out well - that the children will be blessed..

In the midst of all the stuff that needs to be done, am trying my hardest to make sure that I have time with God - I guess that Dr Voon's challenge to us in class still sticks out in my head - If God is so important, why do we fail to spend time with Him in times of assignments and busy-ness?? Am SLOWLY learning that, somehow, He gives me the time that I think I need when I spend that time with Him.. Take for example, last week, when time seems to be a big issue and just didn't seem to have enough time to study Greek, took time out with God instead and still managed to get full marks for Greek - am still amazed and praise just overflows whenever I think about it.. I know that it's not a big thing compared to prayers answered by God in the 'big things' but it was a 'big thing' for me at the time... I seriously expected to not do well for that test..

Am continually just learning to learn to be still - those who know me, know how hard it can be for me just to sit still and just BE still... It's just worst when there's so MUCH to do.. I guess that this is what He's teaching me... Hope I'm learning it well...

It is finally finished

It is finally done!!! *jump for joy*
I can sleep....

Humor in the midst of seriousness and stress

Am getting rather fed up with this assignment that I have to complete - I cannot count how many times that I've wished that the thing would just write on its own..

I've been downright cranky, super exhausted, very displeased and disappointed with myself for not being able to finish it on Tuesday, humiliated by the fact that I even had to ask for an extension, on top of that got admonishments from two friends for different reasons [I know that both did it because they love me] and cried myself to sleep several times in the past few days. Many times, I've just felt like hiding myself under my blankets and not coming out EVER..

Despite it all, 'little' things have continued to push me on - encouragements from oli and doulos especially, prayers from my prayer partners, victor making breakfast a rather an interesting event this morning, constant 'discussions' with God about my assignment and now this latest development...

I've resolved that I'm just not going to sleep until I finish my asssignment tonight and to accomodate this, I'm studying in the girl's pantry (so that my bed is FAR away and won't tempt me no matter how tired I get). Somehow, it's turned into a 'internet cafe' (as the guys who pass by this way to get water dubs it) as somehow, there are two other girls here with me tonight... Quite funny actually - we make quite a sight with our laptops on the table that we usually dine on (Ok - it's just me and my sense of humour) - and I have no idea how this has come about..
I'm usually here alone - and it's just such an encouragement to me to have them here with me as I resolve to finish this... Makes my goal feels a whole lot more achievable and I don't feel so alone... Makes me want to cry again - for totally different reasons (I think I just need to sleep all this off soon).

Thank you God for all the things that help me to keep on going on... Please see me through this night as I wrestle to complete this assignment.

Reflection in the midst of tiredness

Am back in church.. Thought to just take some time out to just do a bit of reflection...
It's been a long week and I can't wait for Tuesday to come - when it's time to hand up the woman's ordination assignment... I think that all this lack of sleep is getting to me(sleeping between 4-6 hours is becoming somewhat of a norm..).. I find myself feeling slightly more sensitive and edgier this week - almost did something I regret yesterday and on hindsight, it's only by God's grace that I didn't.

Nevertheless, was reminded again and again how much I needed God this week and am thankful for the ways He has watched over me -through friends that struggle alongside with me this week through the assignment and the tests and through little stuff like by helping me to remember my Greek vocab(Am especially thankful of this as my brain blacked out on Thursday for my OTS test. I panicked for a bit- but I think I did ok in the end - but found out later that the cause of it was not just lack of sleep but something else that was totally unexpected *sigh*)...

Had a short interesting talk online with one of my favourite uncle who's not a Christian about my decision to study at bible school and what I'll be when I graduate.. Realised how hard it was to explain to him in a way that I don't sound like a nut to him and in a way that he'd understand... How does one explain that ambitions are not everything in a world that talks about goals and making YOUR own way in the world? How to explain that I've chosen to follow wherever God leads and that may mean not knowing where exactly I'm headed for now? This verse somehow spoke volumes...

1 Corinthians 1:18
"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."


Dear Father,
You know my every worry - and that I seem to be doing more so this week - sometimes over the silliest things.. Help me to release them and entrust them to You...Thank You for reminding me that it is You who have brought me here and that you'll see me through this time. I love being back here in my church but I need You to sustain me today... In spite of my weaknesses, grant me the strength to be obedient to You today and a heart that worships You...

Life

Ok - so I'm breaking fast for now..

Life seems to be so complicated sometimes.. Just when you think everything's going fine.. It throws you a curve..
It's worse when your life is complicated and things gets more so...

I know this is seems gibberish but I just had to get that out...

Blog fast

Just thought I'd put this up for the next week or so...
It's assignments, exams/quizes, worship leading, worship ministry meeting preparations for these two weeks on top of other stuff... So I won't be able to blog unless I'm very very frustrated with something..

So, in essence, I'm fasting from blogging.. Will hopefully be back when the storm blows over...

A lesson of love - learning to let go

The little brother looked at his older sister with pleading eyes, "Why can't you understand that I have to make this choice? I want to make my own mistakes. Let me grow up... I've been protected all my life.. I need you to let me decide! I'm listening to you but I need you to respect me in this.. I’m serious.. " Conflict arose within her - the instinct to protect her little brother overwhelmed her.. Why couldn't he understand that she loved him and wanted him to be safe? Didn't he know the dangers that lied ahead in choosing that path? Why does he insist on being so foolish? Why WAS HE NOT LISTENING?? She felt like shaking him to make him see reason...

On the other hand, she felt his heartfelt plea resonate within her.. Hadn't she gone through the very thing that he was going through? That in the not so distant past, there was a time in her life when she felt the need to grow up and make her own choices - that being independent and growing up meant making mistakes on her own - warped though that reasoning was on hindsight…

"Ok" the words were wrenched from her – her heart felt pained... A big part of her didn't understand - perhaps didn't want to understand.. It felt like he trusted that man over her – but since it meant so much to him she would agree… Perhaps she could talk to the man instead…

The little brother looked at her “Good… I don’t want to argue with you anymore.. I love you”…

The next day, she went to talk to the man and understood why her little brother decided to make that decision.. When her little brother found out that she talked to the man, he asked her, “You talked to him?? Why did you talk to him??” “I didn’t promise that I wouldn’t talk to him – I promised not to argue with you about it” “I don’t want to talk about it anymore” When she saw the look on his face, her heart felt stabbed with pain, a slice of fear entered her heart – fear he would not forgive her somehow and not trust her anymore…

Throughout the afternoon, she walked around like a wounded person.. She saw a man and his child… His child was learning to walk... She saw the father letting go of his child and that the father let the child fall as he learnt to walk…

As she watched the scene, it suddenly dawned upon her.. She understood that her little brother truly loved her but needed her to let him make his own choices.. To let him fall so that he could learn to walk and let him pick himself up again - unless he asked her for help.. and that she needed to let him fall no matter how much it pained her to see him suffer.. And part of loving him was to let him fall… As she thought it further, she saw how great her brother's heart was - in chosing that path that he took and wanted to bless others - a part of her heart was proud of him and loved him more for who he was...

As she walked home – she hoped that their love for one another will somehow overcome this wedge that was between them…

Ps: In the end the little brother called her and they both mended their relationship with one another...

*grin* I love happy endings..

Time with God

Though a bit tired today, was reminded in class about listening to God and silence... Amazingly my brain absorbed what was being said and was reminded again about spending time with God in silence and stillness... I guess sometimes I do put work and things above Him...
Was really tired today for some reason - must be because I've been overdoing things somehow... Ended up sleeping through lunch, woke up and went for class and then went back to bed until dinner time.... Had a great time of just talking to God before I slept both times.. :)
Was reminded again of how much I really need Him and how much easier it is to let my worries go when I bring it to Him instead of dealing it on my own...

Today...

Have been and am busy trying to complete my Church History assignment. Am not as stressed out as I was with my parables assignment - so far...
It's also been good cos I've had been able to focus a bit more on the church history assignment than usual -especially yesterday and today.. Am just glad that I have my friends to study alongside with... Realise how crappy i am studying alone... My attention somehow wonders all over the place and I take forever to settle down..

Went to watch ice age today. It was pretty hilarious... The company that I went with was great - as usual... :) The possums really reminded me of them - I so cannot get over it.. :)

It was a rather good day...

Awesome weekend

Am back home in my second home - STM...
My Church History assignment and a pile of work is beckoning me...
My rather tired body is longing for a shower and bed...
My clothes and things are screaming to be sorted out....
At the same time, this weekend has been rather awesome in it's own way that I sooooo have to blog about it before the 'feeling' goes....

It's been a weekend where I've made new friends, met up with one that I haven't seen for a very long time along with my spiritual sister, had a close friend stay over at my house, and had dinner with another friend that I've met last week along with my family...

Saturday
Had a super busy day at church on Saturday at the office what with Good Friday and Easter coming up and worship leading this morning...
Had a wonderful time of fellowship and makan with my family, sk and Willow on Saturday evening... Mum really outdid herself - had coleslaw, lamb chops, roast chicken, potato salad!!
Willow was just so cute... :) It's funny, for me, we communicate to each other more than words (not surprising since she speaks Mandarin mostly and I almost cannot speak in Mandarin)... I cannot wait to see her again this weekend... Had an excellent talk with sk about ministry and friendship (our group's current favourite topic) until late...

Sunday
Then today, worship lead at church with Jason - am glad that I'm worship leading with him.. I've learnt a lot from him in the past year and I appreciate the teamwork that we have going.. It's quite funny as to how we're on the same wavelength when it comes to chosing songs sometimes..
Rushed home, packed and then went to CLGC where sk was suppose to speak.
It was good to be there to be a support and was just ministered to by God - he spoke on an issue that has been a struggle for me for quite a while now.. It felt rather weird having a person who is a friend as a preacher - a different perspective and somehow more relational..
It was also amazing as I think I stood on the same spot where God spoke to me at almost the very same spot when I was quite desolate a few years ago.. Coincidence? I think not..

Met sk's friends - Irene and Doulos.. It was good to meet them... Ended up going out for lunch with Su-lin and Sue Ann.. Talking to Su-lin brought back a lot of memories - good ones... We had a time of deep sharing and it was definitely a god-thing... One last thing I must add- went to Swenson's and I really loved the Ice Blended Ice Cream - almost can taste the bitter sweet taste of coffee and ice cream -yummy..

Thank You God for today... Can't express fully the joy I feel in my heart - but You know d.. Thank You for Your blessing of friendship - for Yours and the many that you've put in my life. Am humbled by You once again...

Friends...

As I sit here, I feel very rich - friendship wise...
I have been truly blessed with a core group of friends who challenge me, grow and learn with me and most precious of all - love me... This love that they show me liberates me to be comfortable with who I am and teach me to love myself in turn.. As I see them love me, though I may not comprehend it sometimes and am still learning to grasp it, I learn that there are parts of me that are worth loving... These past few months have been one of great learning - it's been rather hard going sometimes... But as I tell ppl who ask me on how I'm doing, I am truly grateful to God for my group of friends who support me when the going gets tough...

I am also grateful for other friends too - the many that care for me with their words of well-meaning advice, others whom I pray together with, those that share their struggles with me, those that I go out for teh tarik with, breakfast friends that eat half boiled eggs and bread or wan tan mee, that I play basketball with, that I just sit down and drink coffee with; my friends at church - who bear with my absence and lack of time; my friends overseas that make effort to stay in touch or read my blog to keep up with me - and bear with my lack of letter writing, and sends me emails when they think something is wrong; my family - especially my mother who has been the greatest friend of my life; the countless others who may not fit in the other categories above but are my friends nevertheless and have enriched my life in unexpected yet beautiful ways..

Thank You Father for my friends... They are truly a gift from You...

Ps: for those that want to read what I've been learning about true friendship, might be good to read Sherman's blog. It's really good - well at least I think so..

Interesting morning...

It's only 9.30 and already have an interesting morning... The main sanc is full - cos of the Peter Tsukahira's talk and several dramas have been going on - the complications of handling a church this size.. :P
Was also given a set of Bible references from Aunty Nancy for my studies.. Am so blown away by her generosity and just feel really blessed...

Ok - back to work.. My mind is plagued with a hundred and one things to do for the day and I think I better tackle them one by one(or better still 3 by 3 so I can go home earlier - *I wish*)..

Calm within and without

Am much better today... Am really touched by the care and concern shown by the different individuals in the STM community - Lucy gave me some pills and some hand massages; Lee Yng helped me to get notes (and Jacob too) and food along with my room mate; Oliver with much needed Milo to calm my churning stomach, and later went out with Daniel and Sherman to get me some chocolate; Victor and Gerrad for driving me out the night before to get bandage for my foot; Jacob also took me out for some soup along with Guna and Eisu; SMS of concern by different ppl - Oliver especially, Daniel, Jacob, Antho; John Yii's offer to take me to the clinic next time :) ; Charles and Jacob's attempt to get me to sleep early last nite; this morning Victor took me out for some much needed breakfast - just couldn't wake up earlier - and had great conversation with him over breakfast... Feel really loved.. :)

Also sorted out an issue that was plaguing me last nite. I'm glad it's been resolved - and there's now calm within.. I learnt a lot from it and again - I'm thank God for really great friends who loves and cares and at the same time, reflect God's love for me.

Ps: My sis brought home Baskin Robbins and there was midnite expresso (though the store ran out of cookies and cream) so it was the 'icing on the cake'. Yippee!

Expiring

Head - dizzy and woozy
Eyes - slightly dilated due to pain
Hands - shaky
Stomach - churning (and feel like throwing up whatever that's inside)
Back -aching like crazy
Legs - wobbly

Feel like I'm dying

Blessed Be Your Name

Just a couple of excerpts from my favourite song comes to mind..

"And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name"

"And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"

Used to wonder if I could say that when the time came.. It's hard - but am learning it..

It's been a tough day - not study wise, but in other ways..
Christian spirituality class was excellent - spending that 15 mins in the garden with God was just very enriching...

Had a splitting headache in the afternoon (the kind that you feel that you just wish someone would take a hammer and split your head open) and am still feeling the residues of it..
Had to miss my favourite class(Cross Cultural Missions) in the end - but I just couldn't get out of bed... :(

Am glad that I have good friends that are supporting me with prayers.. It's good to have people to share burdens with..

Short entry

Have nothing much to say today - except am in a turmoil over something and find myself needing to go to God for comfort and peace of mind.

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

© 2005 New Spring, a div. of Zomba Enterprises, Inc.

Tiredness...

There has been times many times when I've wondered if certain kinds of friendships are worth it - especially when one gets hurt and bleed so badly inside... I wonder again today...
As someone told me, maybe I'm just too naive... Or maybe it's that I'm too trusting - but isn't trust part of being a friend?? I think I'm just stupid - I just don't know... Am so tired of hurting..

This song ministers to me at this time..

Faithful One

Faithful One, so unchanging
Ageless One, You're my rock of peace
Lord of all, I depend on You

Bridge:
I call out to You
Again and again
I call out to You
Again and again

Chorus:
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up
When I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone

LLoooooooonnnnnnnnggggg day

Am feeling so tired - can't believe it's only 10.30pm... My brain's telling me that it's 2am or something for the last hour... It's been a long day - first with church service.. Can't believe how cheeky uncle Kam Weng was!! Targeting us like that.. Good thing he disappeared early - or else he'd have a whole Cross Gen mob going after him - especially those of us that were single and who were being kena'd by the uncles and aunties in church... :P

After service, had to do a bit of conflict resolution.. I hope that it works out -for the guy's sake..

After that, I had lunch with some of my Cross Gen's friends... It was great to hang out and catch up with them again - always have limited time to do so as I have to divide the time between worship ministry, family and Cross Gen (cross gen having to lose out at the moment).. So, to many of them, I've practically disappeared since I came to STM... :( Hope that something will work out there soon...

After that, we had AGM - it was super super long... then after that, had dinner with my family and then mum dropped me in Cheras and came back from there.. Am seriously zonked out at the moment... Better go get some sleep ..


Ps: I must say something about last nite's dinner - mum pulled out all the stops - hash browns, lamb chops, fried egg, bacon sausages, salad, tomatoes and onions! It was absolutely yummy!!
Also, must add this too - Oliver gave me a beautiful card... I really loved it. :)

Happy Birthday Liz!!!!

Hey Liz!! Just want to wish a very Happy Birthday!! Thank you for being a great friend to me... My life has been enriched by knowing you... I'll never forget the first time we met - remember that we were looking for our tute class in the ECR and we found out that we were in the same class??? All the times we were in the labs stressing out with our programming? Remember all the wacky times we had when Joseph was after you?? *hehe*

Also the times with Eric and Francis... all the laughter that we shared... I'll always remember your fondness for sandwiches and mandarin oranges for lunch and.. Red Roosters - you and your seasoned fries(I still cannot get over that!).. You always were/are a great listener... Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulders when I really needed one..

It just seems like yesterday when I left Melbourne - and yet - the years have flown by.. I miss you lots and treasure the phone calls - we'll keep on working on it this year ya - especially now that there's Skype.. :)

You are truly beautiful person both inside and out.. I wish you all the best for this year - for your new job and your relationship with Chris.. I pray too that you will continue to grow and mature in our Lord... Take care of yourself and don't stress out too much... Love you heaps girl!

Unexpected turns

Sometimes life throws you unexpected turns... I expected to be in Gopeng or Cameron Highlands this weekend. In the end that was cancelled... Ended up expecting to go from Seremban straight to church - that didn't quite work out the way I thought it would either..
I ended up going to Cheras for breakfast and Sentul(unexpectedly - I had a call while breakfast if I'd like to go there) before getting to church.. The timing was just 'kairos' - I just envision not being able to go if it was any other weekend... In this case, I cleared up most of my work last week and was not expected to be in church anyways- so it was easier for me to go...

It was absolutely fantastic to see Ps Elisha again... SA was invited to attend the conference on "Ministering to the poor" - a topic that is very close to Ps Elisha's heart. The speaker (who was from India) was very relational and it was very refreshing and was just very encouraged to be in a roomful of ppl who are passionate and are involved in ministering to the poor... Issues about community, the church, parachurch organisation as well as from a church members perspective were shared... Struggles were shared - it was indeed good to be there.. Had many food for thought - many issues to wrestle with... But will have to end here for now...

Note to self: Need to be more careful of staircases when I'm exhausted. Almost fell down the staircase when I was on my way to Sentul... and fell down in front of the church stairs and the bottom of my toe's bleeding and hurting *grimace*... God's angels must've been watching over me today as I landed on my bag which had my clothes... Also - thankfully - found my way from Cheras to Sentul without getting lost - which is somewhat of a miracle especially since I had no clue how to get there in the first place: just prayed that God will just lead the way - and He did!

Happy Birthday to Jan and Oliver!!!

Redeeming Love

Finally finished reading the book -"Redeeming Love" - this morning... It was really awesome... Totally forgot Sue Ann's advice to have tissues around me when I read the book. Was just crying my heart out this morning while reading the book... Was moved to get a glimpse of how God loves us so much - despite our brokeness and ugliness and especially - our unfaithfulness..
I think I will always love the book Hosea - it speaks to me about God's redeeming love for me in a very powerful way.... Got a glimpse of how hard it was for the prophet Hosea to go after his wife when she was unfaithful to him - and how he took her back anyways...

It brings to mind the time when I'd chosen to turn away from Him(I know this probably comes as a surprise to some) and the stupid stuff I did during that period. Despite everything, He sought me back and loved me -despite me making myself as unlovable as I could... God really showed how much He loved me through my mother - who never let me go and who never gave up on me. No matter how much I lashed out at her and hurt her during that time because I couldn't believed that I was worth loving anymore, she never gave stopped showing me that she loved me- when I know that many parents would have given up on their child... Am so humbled by God's love for me everytime I remember that time of my life. God's love spoke really strongly to me through the book this morning once again...
One interesting quote that really stuck out in my head from the book was "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heaven" - Milton.

Speaking about love stories, was privileged to hear a love story(am such a sucker for these kinds of stories) of a fellow STM friend this morning as he's not the kind of person to share this with everyone. Am blessed to know him... He sorta reminds me a bit of my big bro in Australia - whom I'm very fond of... Looks like I'll be attending another wedding in August...

Dear God,
Thank You for this great day so far... Thank You for Your great love for me... You are super awesome and I love You so much...

Insights

It's been a long day... Am feeling exhausted and am rather reluctant to blog anything at the moment - I would rather be in my bed and be wrapped up in the book that I'm currently reading and have an early night - I'm just that exhausted. However, something happened this afternoon that I feel I should 'capture' the moment before I do all that. I know I'll lose it if I wait until tomorrow to blog about it.

Had a good talk with one of the lecturers here about something that's been bugging me for many years now and I now have a better insight of myself as a result. Two blind spots came to light. Funny how I never saw it before - what I once thought were my greatest weakness were viewed by her as strengths (I'm still amazed by that)... Also saw how I never had closure in an area and how it's been affecting me a lot lately. In my head, I've let it go many years ago but I've come to realise that I've not let it go in my heart. I learnt to give it to God today-by His grace, I realise that He's been preparing in the past few weeks for this and it would've have been so much worst otherwise... Letting go what is precious to you is always hard.

Out of this, I am finally able to truly say to Him "You give and take away - Blessed be Your Name"

Random stuff

So much on my mind - yet can't get it out at the moment.. Will do a random thingo..

• Currently reading: Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love - a retelling of the book of Hosea and recommended by Sue Ann.. Really love what I've read so far
• Planning for Oliver's and Jan's birthday: Hope everything turns out well - want it to be special for them.. I remember and appreciated the effort that my friends in Melbourne made my every birthday a special one...
• Have an important meeting with someone tomorrow - I wonder how it will turn out??
• I wonder where I'm going to end up this weekend since the pastorate group's trip to Gopeng has been cancelled because of the bird flu
• How am I going to talk with a certain someone about an issue that just came up? I hate doing this
• Need to sleep earlier than usual tonite
• My email's overflooded with stuff that needs to be sorted out - hope i have time to do so tomorrow
• Had a sms from Daniel of TeenStreet! It was good to briefly communicate with him again.. Am sad to have to miss the reunion this weekend - especially since it means that I won't be able to see the team... Have fond memories of great teamwork going on at the camp.. .
• I will also be missing the AGM at church!!!!!! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh - maybe I can sneak back for that -if we decide to do something light for our pastoral group outing... How? how? how??
• Is it just me?? How can people be so disorganised in planning stuff sometimes??? On the other hand, I know I have to learn to *LET IT GO*
• Have to stop blogging now - a bit difficult to send email, blog and talk at the same time

The race

The finish line was near. The runner, sweat running down his brow, was already exhausted - in fact, he was bone weary. A few others have gone ahead before him. But for him, the goal of the race was not to win. The objective was to finish the race - come what may - within the given time frame. As he ran or even shuffled along at times, thoughts ran through his mind - "What if I fail again? What if I fall? What if my strength gives out before I reach the finish line? What if I never finish at all?".

Though there had been people encouraging him from the side to move on, the runner knew he had to run the race on his own. As he moved on, unexpectedly, his past injuries came back to plague him - injuries that he thought were completely healed. They slowly began to cripple him - until he thought that he could not bear it any more. Still - he moved on, again with the help of friends and family who were stationed along the way to give him a drink when he needed it. His energy was recharged slightly with each sip. His steps faltered again after a while. He was not running as fast as he thought that he could or should - because his injuries were continually plaguing him. Already, he was behind the time frame he had set in his mind. He should have been at the finishing line much earlier. Unseen new injuries added to the pain. He also very reluctantly picked up another burden or two along the way for fear of others being injured because of that burden. Still, with whatever little energy he possesed, he moved on - though his space was as slow as a snail by now - wondering when and if he would ever get to the finishing line.

Others, who were watching him could not understand why he seemed to be moving so slowly - after all, he looked fit when he started the race. Sensing their unspoken disapproval and feeling a little bit disheartened, he moved on - slowly trudging - his whole body aching. He was also getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen into his brain and thought he would collapse for sure. He almost gave up - but he looked up to his coach who encouraged him to take a break and then finish the race, pain and all.

After his rest, the pain did not subside by much but he moved on anyways. Soon, the finishing line loomed ahead.... The time was ticking away.. He wondered if he could make it-his injuries were acting up... Tick tick tick tick.... *shuffle* *pant* *shuffle* *pant*.. It was a miracle - he made it with a little time to spare!!!!

Exhausted, he dropped to the ground. He had almost no energy left. Lying on the ground and staring at the sky above him, his heart was exultant that he made it. Too weary to even speak -he thanked God in his heart for helping him complete the race.

*************************************************
Have finished and handed up my parable assignment today! Thought I'd give it a go at writing the above narrative as a result of being saturated with the parables for the past few weeks - to put into words what I've been going through. Though it would have been better without the stress of the assignment, I am rather glad I did the topic. I learnt a lot about parables in the process.

Small mercies

It's been quite a day and a longer one stilll... Thank God for small mercies though- such as NO Church Music class.. On the other hand - ended up using that time to put out fires *sigh*. As if that was not enough, my stomach has been acting up the whole day - ended up taking Mr A's advice to have a break from my assignment and took a much unwanted but necessary nap... When I woke up, unfortunately, my stomach wasn't feeling very much better.

The Myanmarese group decided to have a service here for Jan's mum at 3.30pm as the funeral service was running simultaneously there and I decided to go for it. Learnt more about his family and his mother in particular and I'm glad to see that he's coping well at this point. Am glad for his sake that quite a few people showed up to support him at this time.

Have church history class tonight *sigh* and am still deciding about eating dinner... Feel like skipping another meal because of my tummy... Already feel like throwing up the bread I had earlier. Hope my stomach settle down soon.

In spite of all this, my brain is still positive about surviving the rest of the night. Thank You God for small mercies in this rather eventful day.

Thoughts...

It's funny how it's easier to acknowledge my own weaknesses than to let other people know about it[especially those closest to me] - and the stupid lengths I go to cover it - many times to my own detriment.
It's also funny how it's easier to ask for help for any other people other than myself. I find that I just don't know how to and am afraid to- again to my own detriment.

Many times, I think that God has been good and provided the answers that I needed before I had to ask for help - many times because He knew that I wasn't ready. Of course, there has been times when I've had to do it but I've failed abysmally. But now, I think He's just teaching me to move out of where I've been. I think it's time to grow out of the past.


God - please catch me if I fall or fail again.. I'm so afraid.

Comfort from unexpected people

Have had a day and a half break from the parables assignment and thankfully I didn't dream about any assignment last nite. I feel much saner for the break and the war in my head that has been rampant in the past week has abated somewhat[though it'll probably come back after this when I start doing it again]. On Friday night, I was on the point of despair *again* and even told Daniel 'to heck with the assignment' and I was just going to hand up whatever I had in I just had - unedited and was just prepared to seriously fail the assignment. As I shared with Lee Yng on Saturday morning, it was prolly the melancholic side of me acting up - to me, it had to be a perfect assignment or just hand up 'whatever' [and it will have to be 'whatever' since I'm find myself at a loss of how to write the assignment].

It's quite funny, but throughout the weekend, I've had comforting words spoken to me about the assignment that helped me regain my sanity- from somewhat unexpected places. First of all, I had a great time of fellowship and sharing with Lee Yng in the car on the way to church and shared our struggles with the assignment. I shared a bit with her about the battles that were going on in my head- the battles that was paralysing me from moving forward in my assignment [at one point i was staring at the screen for 4 hours and just not moving anywhere].. It was comforting to know that she understood... I also appreciated the effort that she took to send me back on Saturday - so I could have some extra time to work on the parables.
Silvester also showed up on msn in between my busy moments at church and further encouraged me too and shared with me his struggles in his first year - and that though i may not see it at the moment - it apparently gets better over time.
Uncle Choon Meow was very helpful too and gave a couple of good advise which I'm planning to follow - with a little courage.

This morning, the message that Siew Li spoke about Elijah at the point of discouragement struck a chord in me. Especially the bit about feeling alone in his struggles and how God still speaks in a gentle whisper. It got me thinking that He's been sustaining me through this time with His gentle whisper on top of encouragements from different friends.

As a reflection, when all this is over, I'll probably forget what the assignment was all about - but I'll not forget the friendships and words of comfort that is helping me to go through this rough time. Thanks guys...

Father,
I know that you're teaching me so much more than the assignment at the moment. Thank You for the people that You've sent along the way to help me cope a little better.

Nightmare

I can't believe this! I was dreaming about parables assignment last night.. Scary!!

Stress Relieving

Am posting these up as part of my stress relieving from my hideous Parable assignment.. :)


Sherman scheming at his computer... *cheeky grin*

Oliver - the cute creature from Myanmar

Comrades in assignment struggle

I feel like I'm going in circles with this assignment. It's so frustrating! Have felt like crying countless times - and giving up. Am reminded how hopeless I am with this kind of writing. I have my points on paper but I just can't get it to connect and I end up not going anywhere.

Went to find some friends who were in the same predicament. And we had a good laugh at ourselves and our frustrations. It was good to share our struggles together and helped dispell the hopelessness of the situation a bit.

Thank You God for 'comrades' that I can laugh and cry together with over this assignment.

And the struggle goes on...

So much for my resolution last nite. Ended up doing something else and just fell asleep.
Ever get the feeling that you just want to hide in bed for the rest of the day because you're know you're going to be doing something you disliked?
It happened to me this morning - quite hilarious actually. The alarm rang at 7.30am and i kept arguing with myself to sleep later. So I went back to sleep but i kept on waking up and wondering what time it was. On the other hand, another part of me just wanted to remain under my covers and just hide.
Have finally decided to stop hiding and am reminded again that I need the grace of God and His strength to see me through this day.

Ranting on assignment

I absolute hate doing assignments - studying for Greek is so much easier. :P
*sigh*
Need to start writing SOMETHING tonite!!!!

Break

Am in a much better frame of mind today - though a bit more tired easily. I've decided to take the rest of the nite off- don't think I'll be able to study anymore.

On the overall, I think it's been a good day. Studying and hanging out with SK and O has been rather good and therapeutic. Oliver's rather funny most of the time. I think it's just difficult to be gloomy with him around. :) Like I said in my blog - Oliver's the kind of person who brings a smile to your face when you think of him.

Dear Father,
Thank you for this day - for working in my life, for friends, for Your comfort.

In Your Love

At times like these, Nicole Nordeman's songs seem the most apt

In Your Love

I am humbled in Your presence
More desperate than before
I've brushed against Your mercy
Yet still I'm wanting more
I have felt the hand of comfort
In the softness of Your touch
I wait

I am holding on to promises
I am counting on the truth
And on these knees of faltering
I'm calling out to You

In Your love I find my resting place
In Your love I find my shelter
When I lay down
All that I've been holding to
The beauty I've found in You
Is sweeter than all I've known
In Your love

I surrender all my failings
Please break these chains of doubt
I bring these simple offerings
Of what I can't work out
When You let these healing waters
Anoint my troubled soul
I wait

The cry of my soul

I think there's something wrong with me
Feel like tears are coming down my eyes
What's going on?
What's going on God?
Am just so confused - my mind seems to be in a clamour...
Peace seems so far away

There were lots of laughter a couple of hours ago
And yet...

I feel like I'm hurting for no reason at all
I hate all this pain - every moment of it
It seems like there's a dark veil covering me
It feels like there's tons of pins pricking every part of my skin
And my heart feels heavy - so very heavy

Someone said-in friendship, there must be wounds
Why must there be? Why all this pain?
At times like these I ask - why did You created me to be me
With this softness of heart that seems to bruise so easily?
It's insane -they've just been gone for two days...
Why does it seem to hurt me so much when it barely affects others at all?
Is there some defect in me that causes me to be like this?
I hate the tears - I'd rather be laughing
Where has the joy gone?
WHY is the joy gone?

I want to hide
Like I used to in days of old
Not in You but to be in oblivion
To run to the world of books or movies
Where temporal reprieve can be found till the story ends
Will the ache go away when I close my eyes?
Will it disappear when I awake in the morning?
Only You know the answer

I need Your comfort
I need You to be a balm that soothes my aching heart
To dry the tears in my soul
Oh - how I long and yearn for You
Is this why You put me here again?
To remind me of how much I need You?

Another good weekend

Am back at STM and it's the beginning of reading week for me. It's a time to catch up on the seemingly impossible pile of work that needs to be cleared.
Am feeling slightly blue. Have been back here for only a couple of hours and miss the guys already (They've gone back to their respective homes for a couple of days to spend time with their families). It seems so quiet here. It's times like these when I realise again how close I've grown with them. Really look forward to their coming back. In the meantime, I think I'll just hide myself in my books.
Had a great time yesterday evening. I think Jacob and his team did well in preparing for the service. Found the sermon a bit suspect, but on the overall, the service was good. It was super great to have Lee Yng and Charles come along to give support too. It was very late by the time we went for dinner and we were awfully hungry and tired. It was quite late by the time I got home - and later still when the guys got back to their place. I really appreciated the effort they took to send me home - am really blessed by their friendship.
Praise God that this morning's worship service went ok. Was reminded on how arrogant I can be in my assumptions sometimes and was humbled once again. Uncle Chee Yan spoke really well in his sermon about managing finances that God has given. He gave a really balanced view on the topic and a lot of people were challenged again in this area.
Was a bit worried that I wouldn't get to spend any time with my family so it was good that we ended up having lunch together before my mum sent my bro and I back to our respective place of studies. Mum took me shopping before I got back here to replenish all the cup noodles that I'd run out of. :) Had a good short talk with my sister while shopping. Went for tea with my mum and sis. So it was really really good to spend precious moments together.

Dear Father,
Love you heaps. Thank you for the weekend. It was really good. :)

Jacob, Daniel and I after dinner

More photos here.

Daniel - Eating as usual. *grin*

Jacob's Version of Charles Wesley's "O For A Thousand Tongues to sing"

Melissa and Ashlee

The Aftermath

Happenings of my life...

Am back again at church after a rather long week at STM. It was definitely less eventful than the previous week (which I'm truly thankful for), nevertheless it's been somewhat heavier with the church music class, steward group duties, the extra talk on Thursday nite and trying to finish my parables assignment outline. I think I'm going to get permanent eyebags like Daniel soon. :P On the other hand, it's been another week of building relationships, getting to know my friends better and learning different facets of them. Got to know Oliver better this week - his antics with the guys are rather amusing -thinking of him just brings a smile to my face. :)

On the other hand, it's been really great to be back home hang out with the uncles again and listening to their stories- I realised that it's one of the things that I missed a lot.. Listening to their stories of old, of the church and getting great advice from them(Haha- as Dennis from the office says, they can be a bit 'LW' at times - but I love them to pieces anyways).

Spent time with my mum and bro last nite- my sis went out as usual with her bf - barely get to see her nowadays. :P I think watching tv with mum on friday nites might become a ritual at this rate. She's so cute when she gets into her Korean movies.

After a while, I went to get some series off my brother and watched the latest episode of Monk (Mr Monk and the Astronaut). [For the uninformed, Monk is a detective series about this guy called Adrian Monk. He has this passion for solving crimes and is brilliant at it -but on the other hand, he has this great list of phobias and is not able to function at all without his assistant and nurse]. It strucked me why I love the show so much besides the fact that it's non-violent and quite funny. It's about this guy who just is brilliant but broken - and his brokeness sometimes gets in the way of his gift of solving crimes and yet he pushes on in spite of his brokenness with the help of his assistant.

Take the latest episode, the criminal was a guy who was an astronaut who's afraid of nothing -except Monk. Which is quite a funny thought - being afraid of nothing except a guy who's a got a gazillion list of phobias?? (afraid of heights, MILK, germs, food must not touch, everything must be in order, etc...). I especially liked the bit where in spite of his phobias, he stood in front of the plane to stop the bad guy though the bad guy could have run him down. There was quite a bit of spiritual lessons for me in there.

Hmmm... there's a LOT more to say but I think I'll stop for now. It's going to be a long day... Have lunch with Uncle Choon Meow and Uncle Sam, worship practice followed by rushing down to Cheras after.

Random thought - reading week's coming up... Will have time to catch up with my work!!! Yay!! Will miss the guys till they come back though - at least I still have Oliver :) ...

Complete

Was just listening to this song by Parachute Band a few minutes ago and one of 'those' moments happened again - the moment where you just want to stop everything and savour the sweet presence of God.... The lyrics are not exactly 'out of this world' - but it just resonates within me as I meditate on brokeness in the past week...
Thank You God for that truly beautiful moment.


Complete
Andrew Ulugia
Here I am O God
I bring this sacrifice - my open heart
I offer up my life
I look to You Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to You Lord
In Your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now let Your love fall down on me
I know Your love dispels all my fears

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my Calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Thank You for this Day

Dear God,
Thank You for this day
Thank You for the Church Music class this morning- especially for Gerrad and Jacob that made it somewhat bearable
Thank You for the rushed breakfast fellowship - it was short but great!
Thank You for steward group duties - washing plates brings another element of servanthood to life
Thank You for good refreshing sleep in the afternoon
Thank You for good friends who woke me up when I overslept in the afternoon and encouraged me to go to the library to get some much needed work done
Thank You for Monk (You know how much I adore the series) - it was a great to chill out and have a good laugh for a little while
Thank You for a good dinner - for the Kurma curry and cabbage
Thank You that for the fellowship that we had with You later in the evening - so much so that I think that most of us didn't want to stop. It was good to be able to encourage one another to lay our burdens at Your feet.
Thank You for music - it's amazing how it speaks to the soul
Thank You for being with me throughout the day.

Time at home and back in STM

Is it my imagination or is my blog entries getting longer and longer??? Must be effect of studying at STM...

Anyways, -am back in STM... *contented sigh*. The two days back home was good too. It was great to have my mum's home cooked food - she cooked Bah kut Teh, egg pizza and vegetables and it was just absolutely fantastic... I didn't know how tired I was- I fell asleep and in the living room and didn't hear the kids go off!! Woke up and it was wonderful to spend time chilling in front of the tv with mum - watching Unbreakable and American Idol (My mum and sis' seemingly current favourite programme) on Friday nite.

On Saturday, I fixed my tooth (and am virtually left a pauper) but at least I don't have to wear the annoying dentures anymore and don't feel like there's always something stuck at the top of my mouth... Thank God too that my gums are no longer bleeding though they still feel a little bit tender.. Rushed to work and packed some food to eat - but my appetite was sort of lost for some reason. But I regretted not eating a proper lunch despite of the lack of appetite.

During worship practice my head felt really woozy and I felt like my limbs were just so tired- and it also felt like I was zoning in and out most of time. It was a rather weird feeling. Thank God that my worship team was very understanding and that my partner in worship leading- Jason was very understanding about it. Felt slightly better after the practice when I finished the rest of my 'breakfast' food. Had a great talk with my pastor - it's always good to meet up with him. Really appreciate his understanding of where I am and his concerns for me.

Went home and just seriously wanted to crash after the meeting with my pastor but went out with my family for dinner - which was also good. It felt like ages since we sat down to eat as a family. We went to the Times bookshop fair. They had really good stuff there - pity that my head decided to do the zoning in and out thing again and I so had to go to the car to get sleep before I fainted or something drastic like that. Managed to get a collection of Oscar Wilde's book for an extremely reasonable price(though I'm still wondering when I'm ever going to read it with all the work I've got to do) :P

Must have slept in the car for an hour or so - was feeling much better by the time I got home and ended up watching American Idol with my sis till twelve. Got up this morning for church service and it was Jason's turn to feel like a zombie (the poor guy had food poisoning the night before). But praise God, everything went ok for the service and that none of us keeled over - heheh.

Finally got to catch up with Sue Ann after all these weeks- though it was a bit rushed. I think that it's amazing that we're learning quite similar things in different ways - though we've not been as close geographically as we used to... Am reminded again of the urgency to keep her constantly in my prayers. Again, I'm glad too for the input and the blessing that she's been to me..

Two people that I met along the way and that I got to talk to is Hua Loon and Keng.. It's been quite a surprise especially to see Keng - haven't seen him around in ages. He encouraged me when he told Sue Ann and I that he's thinking of us though he is far away. I pray that he doesn't have to go to another country for now... Am also reminded to pray for him.. He looks different from the last time I saw him - older maybe - i just don't know.

Came back to STM in the afternoon with J -after going to Salvation and buying 3 CDs. Crashed after I unpacked when I came back - had that feeling of wooziness again (i hope it's not a permanent thing)... Played risk with the guys and it was just great to be back and sharing meals and fellowshipping with them again..

Thank You God for again and again for family, church friends and my friends here at STM. It's just awesome to have them in my life. They are truly a gift from you.

One Life At A Time

Will be going back to my other 'world' soon-back to church and home. It already feels so long before I'll come back here to STM (though yes - I'll be back on Sunday evening and it's only two days away). It just feels weird that I won't be seeing ppl that I've seen everyday for the last two weeks and I realise how attached and close I've grown to them. How they've challenged me and yet supported me when things have gotten really rough this week.

Just came back from lunch and my greek test. Had a hunch way before the test started that I was not going to get full marks (trust me - it wasn't a case of 'because I thought it, it would happen'). It was more like I sensed the Holy Spirit saying - "don't panic.. But you're not going to get full marks for this test - same as Christian Spirituality this week. Because I want to teach you something - you don't have to BE perfect and struggle so much to be perfect. You are not God. I AM." And I must say - I definitely didn't get full marks for the test...

Funny how lately I've been getting all this 'sensing' (for lack of a better word) that I used to be so scared of. I used to notice it that it happens whenever I'm close to God and being very sensitive to His Holy Spirit. At the same time, I remember how afraid I am about it - it feels like I'm in a roller coaster ride - and a painful one at that. And my direct reaction would be to shut God out for a while until I can cope again... I'll leave it at that for now (Those that want a fuller explanation will have to talk to me directly about this).

Also went to watch a movie at a friend's place this morning - I have a lot of things to contemplate over. And I was also thinking - funny how and when God chooses to answer some of the questions that I've been wrestling with the past year and one of the underlying reasons that I came to STM(and at the same time never thought I'd find it here or so soon).. Not that I've got all the answers down to pat... I think that's as much as I want to say for now... Am still mulling over things and still have lots of questions to ask.

Anyways, during the after-movie discussion, this song about Jesus' life came to mind. It was part of an Easter cantata that we did at church a long long time ago-the words never fail to reach deep into my soul. And something of the discussion brought that out again.

One Life at A Time
He was a man who laughed with children
Who was not ashamed to cry
A man who walked and listen
While the world hurried by

He didn't shake a million hands
Or changed a million minds
He simply change the whole wide world
One life at a time

One life at a time
He changed one life at a time
One whose heart was hopeless
One whose eyes were blind
Filling us with life and love
Of a different kind
He filled the world with miracles (He touched me with His perfect love)
One life at a time

He said "Come unto me
Come unto me
With childlike hearts
Trusting and free
Listen and hear
Look and you'll see
Someone who loves you
Saying come unto me"


Thank You Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit for the things that you are doing in my life - though it has come with great pain. I pray for Your continual leading and for courage to face the things that You want me to face.

God is God and I am not

Wanted to post this up yesterday as part of Ash Wednesday meditations - as usual, I got distracted along the way and ended up not posting it. Feel that God continually reminded me of this song today so I thought to do it anyways.

God is God - By Steven Curtis Chapman
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

Happy Birthday Lee Yng!!

If you ever read this, I just want to wish you a very Happy Birthday. I thank God that you are here in STM this year.
Thank you for being one the three prayer partners as well as being a sounding board whenever I've need one. Thank you for how you always make me feel welcome in your room. Thank you for being a wonderful support. Thank you for being you.

I pray that the reason for your coming to STM will be answered. May this day bring you many blessings (despite the stressing out with the Greek test tomorrow and the piles of work that he gave us).