Classes begin, still feeling homesick, lots to do...

Classes for the new semester begins tomorrow morning, or more accurately, in approximately 8 hours. I don't know if I've adequately prepared myself to face classes for this semester. I'm still struggling with missing Cairo though it's been 2 and a half weeks that I've been back. It's not so much the city itself that I miss. It's the people - I miss my family, I miss my friends in church and I miss my teacher. As I told one of my dear brother there today, I find myself thinking about them everyday. I spoke with one of my church friend online in Arabic yesterday and it was a very good time of conversation - and yet, I just felt very sad because of the distance between us. I miss our conversations in the microbus on the way back from church(it generally is one of the few times that we can catch up as my friend is one of the most happening people in my church in Cairo). I miss my family and wonder how my sister is keeping. I wonder how big brother and sister and their children are doing. I miss seeing and playing with thier children and hearing them saying 'Miss Ruth, this.. Miss Ruth that..."

I AM glad to be back. Don't get me wrong. It's been good to be with family and with friends here. It's been good to be able to eat Malaysian food again. I am enjoying fellowship with my different group of friends. Yet, when I am alone in my room or when I'm online talking with friends back there, I feel frustrated sometimes. I acutely feel that a part of me is missing - that I left it back with them and am not too sure how to get it back, or if I ever will. I thought that I'd be back to 'normal' by now - whatever normal used to be...

This semester I am looking forward to the some of the subjects that I'll be taking - Cross Cultural missions, Counselling, Pastoral leadership, Theology, Hebrew and studying the book of Mark. Am toying with the idea of overloading a bit more and taking an additional subject - to free up some time for next year when I have to do my thesis. Will have to see how my results are so far.

I have yet to catch up with a ton of church people - worship department meetings, my close friends, my pastors, etc... I get tired when I think about it. Again, I am reminded that I just need to continually walk closer to God - what with the struggle of missing Cairo, the additional responsibility of being an EXCO member of the student body in the seminary, catching up with church members, juggling with spending time with my family(whom I only see during weekends - my sis will also be away from home the next few months :( ) and working for the church just can feel rather overwhelming sometimes.

Yup -it's going to be interesting to see how this semester turns out. Dear God, I'm really really counting on You to see me through everything.

To my prayer group...

I remember we began with three in the first semester of seminary - Lucy, Lee Yng and I. Since then, we've had a new member per semester - Pauline, Lan Yin, Chin Ying - our latest addition this semester is Liza. Now that we are in the 1st semester of our 3rd year, we are seven minus one (Pauline will be going to Singapore and continue on her journey).

I continue to thank God for the fellowship we've had thus far - the laughter and the many tears that we've shared in fellowship and in prayer. I look forward to continuing this year with all of you as we continue in our journey in seminary. I pray that God will continually draw us closer to one another as we learn to support one another with the gifts, talents and personalities that He has given us.

Covenant Service

Today we celebrated covenant service in STM(Seminary Theoloji Malaysia). This is one of my favourite services of the year. As we begin the semester anew and continue to prepare to be future ministers, we renew our love covenant with God. As we say this prayer to as part of our covenant renewal, it always speaks and challenges me.

We are no longer our own, but Yours.
Put us to what You will.
Rank us with whom You will.
Put us to doing, put us to suffering.
Let us be employed for You or laid aside for You.
Let us be full, let us be empty.
Let us have all things, or let us have nothing.
We freely and heartily yield all things to Your pleasure and disposal.

I was also very blessed by our speaker Rev Tan Soo Inn, who shared his life with us. This morning, he spoke on 'Failure - The most important preparation for ministry' based on John 21:15-19. It ministered to many of us as we are challenged to be recipients and ministers of grace.

His sharing really spoke to me as I look back on my own life and how in times of my failures, God used those moments to let me see who I really am - a person in need of grace. I also see how he used those moments to teach me and mould me as I learn to submit to Him. I also see that I can thank Him for those moments because it's shaped me to be who I am today.

To my friends...

Though you are ordinary people

You've chosen to obey Him

Though your path is not easy

And the road ahead may be tough

You have chosen to hear His call

And go where many fear to tread

You are my friends

My family in Christ

A challenge to my journey with Him

You are an inspiration to me

You remind me to focus on Christ alone

Not just with your words, but with your life

I pray that He will constantly protect you (and your family)

As you daily toil for Him

And choose to love the people that He has placed you with

Being salt and light to them

I pray that the harvest will be plentiful for you one day

Though now it may sometimes seem like drought

Living in a land that will not call you its own

I pray that you will persevere and keep on keeping on despite everything

May you always hold on to Jesus -the author and perfector of our faith

A Prayer for Her

I miss her.
I miss her a lot.

Will You watch over her while I'm back here?
Will You send her another friend who will love her as much as I do(if not more) and who will show her the way to You?

If no one goes, who will tell her about You?
If no one tells her, how will she believe?

You know that the most precious thing to her is the love of friends.
You know how much her friends have let her and hurt her in the past.

I pray so much that she'll come to know You, Jesus - the best friend a person can have.
I pray that she'll be able to have joy in her life - greater than the day she remembers of being happy.

Yet, I do not wish for her the price that she'll have to pay that will be inevitable if she knows You.
Yet, let Your will be done.

Lord have mercy on her.
I plead for mercy for her.

To My Egyptian friends..

To all my friends and 'family' in Egypt who I've come to love and am missing very much...

A BLESSED CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!!

Back in Seminary

I came back to seminary yesterday - and it's been good so far. Time seems to have passed by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I left here, went to Egypt and came back. Being the only one of two English department students around, I've been rather busy helping out with the orientation for the first year students since I've arrived -taking them on a tour of the seminary, the usual trip to the hypermarket nearby and to Seremban town. It's also been a good opportunity to meet and interact with the first year students. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends on this Thursday when they all get back too.

Didn't foresee it coming but I have been allocated to a single room (usually only final year students are allocated a single room and I'm in my 3rd year out of 4 years)! I'm still slowly unpacking the things that I have but have made my room rather comfortable enough to live in.

In the midst of it all, I find myself still thinking of my friends and 'family' back in Cairo. I've been back a week and a half and it feels as if I've just left yesterday. Talking to them online doesn't seem enough - if anything, I find myself missing them more. *sigh* I guess that for now, I'll just have to keep on keeping on.

happy new year's eve

Hi everyone, miss me?

Ramblings and reflection

Am now hanging out in Dubai airport in transit and the local time is 2.45am. My flight leaves for home at 9.50am and am debating what to do with myself - to sleep or to stay awake. hmmm.... In the meantime, I figured I'd take the opportunity to blog for a bit since it's been a while...
The last few days have been hard for me as I say goodbye to my friends here. As I look back, I'm amazed at the array of people I've met and have become close to. A teacher, a seminary lecturer, a pastor, a media producer, a shopkeeper and another group of people who've been like family to me. It's been a truly enriching two months and it's little wonder that I find it hard to leave.

I feel that my time in Egypt has changed me in many ways - perhaps not visibly but deep within. Some of the things that I was struggling with and questioning about last year has been answered by God in such a loving and reaffirming way. I have also come to learn to love myself more because of all the affirmation that I've received from my family in Egypt as well as the support that I've had from friends back in Malaysia for my trip there. It's funny - I never thought that it was something that would happen. At least, not for a long while. God does indeed make things beautiful in HIS time.

As I arrived at the Dubai airport, I realised something - I can actually understand some of the Arabic stuff that they are announcing over the speakers - it's quite amazing for me actually. I remember feeling quite bewildered and curious as to what people were announcing and I now actually understand some of it!!! My life has definitely changed in so many ways by my trip to Egypt.

I definitely have lots to pray about and to think through over the next couple of years and as I continue on my journey of faith. For the next two years, my place is definitely in the seminary back home. From then onwards, I can only continue to place my hands in His and let Him lead me to where He wants me to go - one step at a time.

Preparing to go home..

Leaving here is going to be hard. Faces that were once belonged to strangers have become almost like family now.

All my friends here are asking me not to leave or if I'll ever come back. I can only tell them that I have to go home for now and inshallah(God willing) I will come back here one day.

I ask for your prayers as I begin my preparations to go home - cos it seems as if home is here too.

Being an Alien/Foreigner

It is tough being a foreigner sometimes. Despite the desire to assimilate into the culture of the country we are in, because of the fact that we look different from the local people, we are still considered as foreigners and we have to battle with the stigma that comes with it sometimes- no matter how long we've been here.

I've been here for almost four weeks now and I still get 'hello-welcome to Cairo!' when I walk on the streets. My housemate who's been here for 8 years tell me she still gets such greetings-much to her amusement and exasperation. Sometimes, worse names are being called at her on the streets because of her 'foreign-ness' and the negative associations that come with it(foreign women are considered to have loose morals because of the negative impression they have through American movies). For now, because of my being to unable to understand Arabic bad words(and I pray that I don't anytime soon), I'm blissfully ignorant if such words are thrown at me.

It can be also hard for a Chinese because there are women from China going around with their backpacks and selling things to ppl in their apartments(which is strictly a big NO culturally here)- especially when it belongs to a single guy. So it is not surprising when rumours go around that Chinese women have loose morals and are selling themselves. :p As much as I love the practicalities of using a backpack, I find that I have to forgo that here as much as I can.

Another slightly exasperating fact is that they are not able to distinguish between Koreans, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc... I'm frequently asked if I am Japanese. Imagine the confusion when I tell them I'm a Malaysian - a Malaysian Chinese... Hehehehe..

At the end of the day, I agree with one of my friends here- as much as we love the country and the people here and as much as we want and try so hard to be a part of this place - we have to learn to accept that we are still foreigners. We will always look and think differently. One interesting thing about this is that you get a greater understanding of 'being in this world and yet of not this world'.

Readings

Before I came here, I didn't think that I'd get much time to read but managed go through these two books in the past few weeks. Have been checking out bookstores here whenever I can and am getting acquainted with some of the local authors. However, it is so hard to decide which book to buy due to limited luggage space as well as the rather expensive prices of books here. Am looking forward to doing some book hunting with my Arabic teacher this Sunday at Khan el-Khalili. Am hoping that the books there will be cheaper than the ones at the bookshops that I've visited so far.

1. A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini
This book caught my eye when I was at my Big Brother's house.
I must say that it was a splendid novel- I found it really hard to put it down in between. Finished it in two readings. It gave an interesting insight to life in Afghanistan through the eyes of two women who formed an unexpected friendship. When I saw the novel at AUC (American University Cairo), it cost around 120 pounds(RM84)!! Am trying to look for 'The Kite Runner' cos I heard that it was really good too. Hopefully I'll be able to find it at the Khan.


2. Miniskirts, Mothers & Muslims - Christine Mallouhi

Am reading this book for a review with some friends. It gives some pretty good insights into some of the issues that women face in the Arab world. One of my friend mentioned that some stuff covered may be outdated but it does give quite a bit of food for thought as to why things are done a certain way. It certainly helped me to appreciate the differences in culture where before I may have found it constraining at times. Am really looking forward to hearing the thoughts of my friends on the book.

Learning and Thanksgiving

Sabah El-Khair! (Good morning).. My mind is spinning with Arabic words. Have been conjugating verbs for the last hour. :p My teacher has been trying to prove a point -that whenever I forget the dots, it can be 'moseba' (disastrous). :p
Nevertheless, I am enjoying my classes immensely. Arabic is a complicated and beautiful language. In the last two days have been practicing some conversation. It has been frustrating cos I have to keep on looking up the words for now. My teacher assures me that practice makes perfect and the important thing is that I'm learning something. I agree with her.

It's thanksgiving today and I will be celebrating it tonight with a couple of my friends tonight. Am looking forward to it - more food.. Turkey and stuff.. But for me personally, I guess what's important is the fellowship. I had to miss a meeting earlier this week because I was down with a cold. I am looking forward to hanging out with my friends here. They are wonderful people and I'm really blessed to know them. There is much to be thankful for and I'm glad to be able to share this occasion with them.

View at the Railway station

I see this sight every day. You can sorta see the fruit stall and at the same time the cart pulled by the donkey(slightly hidden). Everything here is also rather brown...

A regular shop at Cairo

This is like a regular sundry shop in Cairo. Took this pic downtown in Midan(Square) El-Tahrir. Those box-like things are actually filled with seeds - sunflower and the like.

Cairo Food pics

Update from Cairo..

So much to write yet so little time to do it. I'm online for the next hour or so, but there's so much to do in the meantime - emails to check and reply and there seems to be so little time to blog.. :(

Anyways, have been doing great here overall. My arabic teacher is really proud of me and she's been very encouraging(Pic on right is my classroom). Though I've only started lessons under two weeks I'm able to slowly construct sentences on my own-on paper. I'm not saying that everything's always smooth sailing though. In fact, I had a very disappointing evening yesterday which I really struggled with yesterday evening.

I planned to leave earlier to church so that I could get some dinner before the meeting at 5.30pm. First of all, the tram that I was in broke down - I still had no idea that anything was wrong (after all-everyone here speaks Arabic which makes it really frustrating in situations like this) until I noticed EVERYONE started getting off the tram. Then I had to decide whether to wait or to get a microbus. I had no idea if they were going to fix the problem but I noticed people waiting so I thought I'd wait with them. I should have taken the microbus immediately. It meant waiting for another half hour before the microbus that I was supposed to take came along. *sigh. By the time I reached the area near church, I was late by half an hour (did I mention traffic on the roads are even worse on Thursday evenings? It's similar to Friday nights

in Malaysia because Fridays in Cairo are the beginning of the weekend).

I was also very hungry by then and I HAD to get something to eat before going to church. From past experiences, by the time I get home it'd be 10.30pm - past curfew time for 'decent' single ladies here. So I had to eat before the meeting. The next problem is that because the area near church is fairly new to me, I had no idea where I could go and get some food. It was also the first time I got lost here. *sigh* By the time I got to church, it was 7pm. I left the house at 4.45pm. *sigh*

The first meeting(which is for 12-15 y.o - I was encouraged to attend this meeting because my host is one of the leaders and I know quite a few ppl from this age group) was almost over by then. The second meeting, which is usually attended by graduates who comprised of ppl my age didn't go as expected. A friend, who called me the same evening, told me that he would be there. He never showed up- apparently he had a call from a friend on the way to church and had to go and meet up with them. We were also suppose to watch a movie for the second meeting - which was in the end cancelled because they had technical problems. Having the movie meant that a lot of ppl I knew did not attend. Cancelling the movie meant that the pastor had to preach -a HUGE problem because I did not have anyone translating for me. It was fairly frustrating.

On the way home (30-40 mins ride) I was having this conversation with God all the way in my head. I also began to get a glimpse of how frustrated it must be for ppl who serve God cross culturally especially when they do not know the language. I began to understand and appreciate how they are willing to endure this kind of stuff just so that ppl can hear the gospel. I was so discouraged that I just wanted to change church - despite the requirement of having to attend an Arabic speaking church for the two months that I'm here.

I'm beginning to feel at home here. At Arabic school, my teacher is really encouraging and she's really happy with my progress (she shows me off to the other students and teachers sometimes :P). She's also warming up to me (especially when I helped the school with fixing the internet connection - it was a simple matter of turning off the router and turning it on again). She also held my hand when I introduced her to my friends who will also be studying in their school (they've been studying Arabic for two months at another school and apparently I've already caught up with them in the two weeks that I've been here).

On the streets, I'm beginning to feel comfortable with moving
about on my own. I am also able to use whatever little Arabic I've learnt so that ppl can understand me somewhat.

The food here is quite nice. I tried 'koshery' (right pic. I think that's how it's spelt. It's like rice, vermicelli, pasta and beans mixed together with some tomato-based sauce) yesterday for the first time. I really liked it.

However, the traffic is somewhat a challenge still(left pic). I have to pray hard for a person to help me across the road every morning. I really admire how the ppl here seem to be able to cross the roads here despite heavy traffic and everyone going at fast speed - it's not like in Malaysia where you wait for a break in the traffic. Trust me, you can wait for an hour and there WON'T be a break in the traffic.

The polluted air here is another struggle(see right pic -this is at 8.30am). All of the foreigners here agree that it seems to make us feel tired easily. With the weather change, quite a few ppl are getting sick too. :P I'm trying to make sure that I get enough rest in spite of things picking up. I have church and Arabic classes to attend, meeting with local ppl and friends, readings and studying to do, visitation to different places, shopping and sometimes cook my own meals. Arrangements are being made for me to play the piano at a local restaurant in the next week. With so much to do, I was just telling my housemate that I miss the times where I get to sit down and write my thoughts, I'm so tired at the end of the day that I just go to sleep - so much so that I've not touched my computer in the last week.

Nevertheless, I'm glad to be here. It's been a time of continual trusting the Lord. I'm beginning to realise when you're really out of your comfort zone, the best choice one has is to spend a lot of time in prayer and with the Lord. Otherwise, the other option would be like grasping at straws. The Lord is my refuge and strong tower takes on a different meaning. Even when I was really discouraged last nite, the song "You are my hiding place" really ministered to me. In spite of the ups and downs, I'm glad to be here because as I seek the Lord, I find Him.

Pictures

For those interested, have uploaded some pics here...

A time to learn..

I have a 10 min break between class so this has to be a quick one. Arabic classes are going well. Am studying really hard so that I will be able to converse soon. My teacher is hopeful - and has been piling lots of new things for me to learn each day. My friends here are amazed by the amount that she gives me- I am encouraged as it shows that she's really confident of me(more so than myself. She asked me to say a host of things in Arabic the other day and was confident that I could give the answers :p). She says by week 3 I should be able to converse – which is next week! Will be visiting a new friend this afternoon an hopefully she will not mind me practicing my Arabic with her.
In the meantime, the weather has suddenly turned much cooler in the last few days – announcing the coming of winter. It has been colder than Camerons especially during the evenings and I find myself having several layers.
Other than that, am learning new things everyday about the culture here. It has been a fascinating time. This week have been learning about weddings and their local customs – both in the city and in the villages, Christians and Muslims. I really look forward to learning more.

Arabic Classes, Visit to the pyramids

Arabic Classes

Arabic classes has been excellent in the last few days. I'm really enjoying learning the language. I've finished learning the alphabets though am still practicing reading words. The curves can be rather confusing at times and I have to remember what vowels to add in between. :p some of the letters are harder to pronounce too - harder than Greek! :p But on the whole, I love the challenge of learning a new language. I also love surprising ppl when I can speak some words in Arabic. *grin* Hopefully, by the end of next week, I'll be able to read the words more quickly so that I can hopefully read them for worship on Sunday services.

The Pyramids

Today I visited the pyramids(pic on the right above is from my camera!) and it was awesome! I had an excellent opportunity to go as one of my new friends from Malaysia (I got to know her before I left) came and called me last night and asked if I'd like to go with her and her housemate. I was a bit concerned at burdening my big brother and his family who did talk a bit about bringing me there. It was a valid concern when I found out that it was EP50 (RM35) for entrance fee for foreigners (can you believe it?! They charge only EP2 for locals -RM1.40!!!)- it would've been really expensive for him to bring his whole family along.

Anyways, the pyramids were an awesome sight up close. My companions and I paid another (EP100- RM70) to take an hour's ride on the carriage pulled by a horse around the pyramids- the camels would've cost RM70 PER PERSON. :p Talk about taking advantage of tourists. I was glad that I was with a friend who's been here for 6 years- she has a strong sense of right and wrong and even scolded the driver when he tried to take advantage of us. He kept on apologising and told her not to be mad with him and tried to make up for it by taking us to this shop and told the shopkeeper(pic on the right) to take good care of us- which was really great. I saw how papyrus was being made and there was some really beautiful paintings on the first floor. At the ground floor, they sold perfume and I bought a bottle called 'Lotus'. It smells really great and apparently lasts for some time. It was really expensive though. Fortunately, because my friend bought a bottle too, the guy gave us a smaller bottle('Secret of the Desert') for free which was awesome. He apparently charges EP300 per bottle and we bought it for half that price.

There were lots and lots of ppl at the place - and I must say that the ride was definitely a great way of moving around the pyramids. At least we had some shade. :D I think I'm already turning a shade darker from walking around in the past week -despite wearing long sleeve and long pants. :p

Other than the pyramids, my big brother and his family took me to Al-Azhar park earlier in the week and it was very beautiful. It was very green in comparison to the dustiness of the rest of the city. The rest of the team joined us and we played some games and had a great time of fellowship with one another. We did a lot of running and were tired out at the end of the trip. The kids really enjoyed the running around too. :)

So I must say, its been a rather exciting week, Arabic Classes, visiting the pyramids and Al-Azhar park. Next week, I must definitely make some time to go to the museum. Will also be taking a day trip to Alexandria with my two friends. Tomorrow, I'll go to the local shopping mall at the insistence of my young Egyptian friend. He's really cute (hahaha-he's only 13 in case anyone reading is getting funny ideas). He's been a great translator/commentator for me in church - especially when I felt really overwhelmed by everyone around me speaking Arabic. I'm gratified that he seems to like hanging out with me-my other host says that he was really insistent on passing the gift that I won in a lucky draw directly to me. I gave the gift to my housemate here cos it was a curling iron. She really loved it. *grin*

On the whole, I'm really beginning to fall in love with Cairo- not because of the awesome places. The people here are really amazing and as another foreigner who lives here says "It's magical." I wouldn't go to that extent but there's something about the people here that's really appealing. There are times when I'm still amazed that I'm here-but I'm really thankful to God for bringing me here.

Some thoughts..

Was walking down the street to my big brother's place after coming back from town and I was just thinking that things are thankfully beginning to look familiar. My surroundings don't seem as alien as they did a week ago. As they say here in Cairo and Malaysia - 'alhamdulilah'.
Am beginning to feel more comfortable with my surroundings - and am not so afraid to move out of my comfort zone. Taking the public transport is no longer as daunting as the previous week. I could even instruct the taxi driver yesterday how to get to the train station in whatever poor Arabic that I could remember from my housemate's crash course. Thankfully, he understood my instructions and I could get there in time for my class. *phew*

I find that travelling on the roads here can be a great test of faith. Every morning, when I leave my home for classes and have to cross the road, I seriously have to pray hard not to get knocked down. In the last few days, I've had friends tell me that they have friends who are involved in terrible accidents or they've witness it for themselves - one of my friends say that the taxi that they were in knocked someone down and the driver kept on driving. The driver said that the person was fine. :p My friend was understandably in shock. A secretary in the Arabic school that I'm in was in a terrible bus accident where someone in the bus died. One of her eyes were covered as glass went into her eyes. *grimace. She kept on weeping that day. *sigh* I myself witness another car bumping into another car. Thankfully, it wasn't serious. Also, on Wednesday morning, I was almost knocked down by a car. Thankfully, a lady who was walking next to me, dragged me across the street to the other side. Like I said, being on the roads here can be a serious test of faith. The traffic here is VERY CRAZY- like KL at traffic jam times - only 2 times worse. It's also jammed here at most hours of the day -even at 10 at night or 2am in the morning. I kid you not! I suppose this is what happens when 20 million ppl stay in the same area. :p

I had quite a fair bit of time to rest last week. My big brother and big sister here wanted to give me some space to get used to the culture here. So I've had time to really just be alone - to just talk a lot to God about a lot of stuff. On retrospect, it was something that I really needed at the time as there has been so much going on in the past month in preparing to come here.

I realise that the soul sometimes need a little more time to heal and rest. I feel much better for it -though sometimes, the darkness comes back. I'm just glad that the darkness is not as black as before and some of the things a friend told me to do helps. I'm also glad for friends who are really supportive here - even though they barely know me and I barely know them. I'm glad especially for my big brother and sister who have seem to have an instant rapport with me and I feel like I've known them for a long time. They've treated me like their family and welcome me to their home whenever I feel lonely. Their children are really adorable and when I hang out with them, I'm so glad that I can be part of their family here just for a little while. I thank God so much for them. Even though my big brother says that he is not a talented person, I see in him a beautiful heart for the people here and the people who is under his care and I praise God for him and his wife.

Going for Arabic lessons

Time: 12pm in Cairo
Am at a McDonalds in Cairo - paid RM17 for a medium meal (equivalent to a large sized meal in Malaysia). I'm so glad that they have free wi-fi though. At least I can use my own computer.

I started my Arabic classes today. I thankfully found my way to downtown Cairo from my place(40 mins away) without at peak hour without getting lost. I had to take the taxi and the bus. Crossing the main street from my place was rather my first challenge - the road was chock-full of cars (two-three times more congested than Malaysia) and the cars were moving really fast - it took me at least 5 mins. Thankfully managed to hail a cab after a few tries and I was grateful that the taxi guy understood where I wanted to go (the train station that I was headed to is a bit of a tongue twister). After that, I had to board a train. One good thing about the train is that there are two carriages for women only. I had to catch the train at peak hour so it was a squeeze - two to three times worse than being on the lrt at peak hours. Everyone's really squeezed together - they push you onto the train and they push you off the train too. :p So that was rather a bit of an experience. Travelling by trains are really cheap - it costs around 1 egyptian pound (Around Rm0.70) no matter how far you go.

Arabic lessons have been rather interesting - was learning the half the alphabets today (14 out of 28 alphabets). It seems to be pretty similar to Hebrew(whatever little that I remember from NT4 anyways). Pretty happy with my progress. Will have to go home and practice. I have classes for 2 hours on Tues-Thurs and Sundays or Mondays.

Am planning to go tour the museum on Thursday after class for more or less the rest of the day to explore before heading to church to meet the young ppl. okies.. have to go off now, otherwise I'll be fighting with the lunch crowd on the train. :p

Written on 31st October

I can’t believe that I’m finally here! It’s just amazing to see the way God has led me here in the last year when I look back. So far, there has been a lot to take in. I was really wiped out when I arrived – I could hardly sleep on my 15 hour journey here. I think I only slept 3 hours in all so by the time I got to bed last night at 10.30pm local time (4.30am Malaysian time), I was really wiped out! I woke up only about 11am today.

My friends here are really awesome and nice ppl – especially my big brother and big sister here. Perhaps it’s because of my Asian face, they told me that they’ve been really comfortable with me and treated me as family. I really appreciate that.
I had spaghetti for lunch but managed to eat some local ‘fuul’(local dish that is made of beans) with ai’iish (bread) for dinner last night. I really enjoyed lunch too – ai’iish with melted cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers and onions. Mum would be glad that I’m eating really healthily. Hehehe.

I’m staying in a flat. I really love this place- it’s oldish but I like the space. I have a very nice housemate who’s willing to accommodate me for the next two months. I’m very appreciative of the fact as I know how difficult it is for her – she’s shared with me that her past experiences with her previous housemates have been hard for her and she is not really obligated to take me in. She’s also much older than me. I’ll also be doing different things from her – this means that I’ll get the occasional solitude time. I’m glad though – it gives me time to pray and reflect which I’m really grateful for.

A few things that I’ll need to get used to in my time here:

1. The sun setting at 5pm. It’s just a bit weird considering that the sun sets only at 7pm back home every single day.

2. Prayers blaring at 5-ish in the morning. I was informed about this but it was a bit of a shock being woken up early in the morning everyday. :p One of the phrase they used in the morning prayers is that ‘it’s better to pray than to sleep’.

3. They drive on the ‘wrong’ side of the road here – the left side. *cheeky grin. When I got in the car of my host yesterday, the first thing I noted was that the driver’s seat was on the left side. It made for an interesting experience – it was the first time in my life to be on the other side of the road. Am still getting used to it.

4. Everyone around me speaking Arabic. One of the things I find rather daunting is to moving around because I’m not able to speak the language. I’m looking forward to my Arabic class – though not the traveling. I have to allocate around 1 hour to get to town. I’m NOT looking forward to flagging the taxi and telling him to drop me at the metro/train station. :p I’m ok with taking the metro because the first two carriage are allocated for girls. My big brother has told me not to take the minibus because the men there sometimes harass women who are alone – especially foreigners. :p

5. It’s better to walk alone than to walk with a guy. This is one rather weird thing for me. I’m so used to having my guy friends around but here, it’s not good for a guy and a girl to be alone – even to walk her home. It’s apparently shameful for the girl and better for the girl to walk alone in the dark. :p (will write more on this another day) However, this does not mean that it's easy for girls to walk alone.. Apparently they are harassed(especially by school kids - one of my friends was telling me that they even threw a big stone at her when she was walking alone) because they are viewed as 'loose'. *sigh* I'm not looking forward to this - cos I'm going to have to be walking about alone a lot..

First post from Cairo

It's great to be finally online!! Am at Cairo and am doing fine... Still getting used to certain things - will write more when I have time.. It's almost lunch time here and at my host's place using their wi-fi. The food here is good - I think my mum and another friend will be glad to know that I'm eating salads everyday.. :p

On the whole am enjoying myself getting to know people and the local culture here though some things are still rather a shock - more like it's just difficult for a single woman living in a male dominated culture. Other than that, I find things interesting..

Am a little homesick today - maybe cos it's my special day. I miss my friends and family and wish that I could go out for a meal or hang out with them. I miss familiar faces.. Other than that, I have lots of time to think and to play the piano(my housemate has a keyboard) - so am glad for that... Ok.. Lunch time soon.

Reflection on this Semester

Been wanting to post this up for a while now- it seems worth it to sacrifice a bit of sleep to get this post up since I'm pretty sure that I'll never get to it once I'm in Egypt.

I usually do a reflection every semester on what God has been teaching me in STM. I started writing a reflection a couple of weeks ago but so many things has happened that I felt that it was appropriate to delay it. I'm glad that I did. Though the last few weeks have not been exactly ideal or great for me, I've learnt a lot from it.

As I look back, I remember a conversation that I had with a friend at the beginning of semester. I told this friend that I wasn't looking forward to the classes this semester though I was looking forward to being together with them after the semester break. Somehow I couldn't summon the usual excitement for the semester. Nevertheless, I've learnt a lot both inside and outside class this semester.

Friendship

At the beginning of this year, a few things changed for me in this area. As I looked at the year ahead, I wonder what God would have in store for me in this area. In this past semester especially, I see how God knows my needs in this area and I am grateful for faithful companions who have walked alongside me. They've helped me to laugh when I was sad, journeyed with me through times of pain and shared my sorrows. There were great times of joy as well and I am thankful for them because when I was with them, I know that I am in the midst of people who love me for me. This helped me to keep on going and even when I couldn't go on anymore, I am thankful that they carried me till I was better despite the burdens that they bear as well.

Faith

This is one of the main lessons that I've learnt this semester - to continue to have faith in God even though at times my faith was really small. Even when I broke. I never realised how much I've taken my faith for granted until this semester. He has stretched my faith in so many ways, in expected and unexpected ways. Despite the difficulty and the heartaches and the healing that still is to come, I am thankful for this lesson because I do not want to wake up one day and say that my faith is no longer alive and I've drifted far away from my Maker. This journey of faith during the semester has drawn me closer to God despite my weaknesses.

Lecturers

I know that my fellow seminarians may struggle with some of the lecturers and wish that they'd mentor them or have closer fellowship with them. As for me, I've had the privilege of having a glimpse of knowing how much they do care for the seminarians. STM is blessed to have them. Sure, they are not perfect people but I know that they do their best in whatever capacity they are able to. During my lowest moment, I was amazed by the support and understanding that they gave - especially after believing somehow that they would not understand. I am glad that I was wrong. Their pastoral care and support to me during that time is something that I'll never forget.

Being at home and Gratitude...

I am beginning to recall why I rarely blog or go online whenever I am home. There are always heaps to do (be it voluntarily or involuntarily). One is rarely left alone in the house to 'do your own thing' unless absolutely necessary. I am reminded of how communal my family is - conversations and activities abound throughout the day. One is left alone only when sleeping. But beware - even that is interrupted if you are sleeping at the wrong time(this reads sleeping whenever others want you to be doing something else). Now that I'll be away for two months, we seem to be doing more stuff together. Everyone(including Joshua!) have been following me around when I am running around getting my things done. In between that, my whole family swaps life stories with each other. Our stories are interspersed with Joshua's stories of Korea or about Korean stuff (and his so-called 'motherland' - USA) *cheeky grin*. He seems to get along very well with mum and they were swapping missionary stories this evening - which made for an interesting conversation to listen to while I was packing my bags. My aunt from Australia is visiting us as well - which adds colour to the already 'lively' days that I've been having.

It seems to me that it is only around this time of the night when everything wounds down and one is left is some space to be quiet - to read, pray,listen to some serious music and/or blog. :D Even blogging has been rather difficult. I have a 'room mate' (one of my mum's kids) who seems to be sensitive to noise and light *sigh*. The first night she was here, I was fiddling around with my computer. The next day, she told mum she couldn't sleep and that was the end of it. I'm risking it tonight because I have much to write and I'll be leaving tomorrow night. Anyways, I think mum won't shell me too much for it cos I'll be leaving tomorrow night. Hehehe.

Anyways, it has been a rather overwhelming day for me today. Overwhelming in a very good way. My friend's prophecy came true and I received more than sufficient support from my church members financially for my trip. I'm so grateful for my friends from the young adults group who was very supportive as well as other church members who contributed generously. I am overwhelmed because I never realised that I was that significant to them that they would be so supportive and concerned. There have been quite a few unexpected contributions from unexpected people and I was really touched. Quite a few have told me to inform them if I do not have enough. I was really blown away by their offers. One of my young people who is studying overseas and one of my musicians apparently told his mum that whatever ministry that I'm involved in is always worth supporting. For a moment I was stunned. I was rather humbled and moved - and felt all the more the significance of the role that I've been playing in the church. Sure, there were times that I've wondered if I had any impact on the church cos it can be a thankless job at times but I guess I kept on going because I love the church people, I enjoy doing it as well as my ingrained training from young to just be faithful in doing what God has called me to do. Several leaders of the church prayed for me after the service and I was encouraged to see my family and many of my friends joining the prayer. I felt very affirmed as the leaders prayed and treated me as if I was their daughter. I will miss them and the church during the months that I am away.

I have also been overwhelmed because I've been receiving SMS-es and phone calls throughout the day and during the past week from STM friends, church friends and family to encourage me for my upcoming trip. One of my young church friend who's studying overseas even telephoned me on my mobile an hour ago from Australia to just pray for me. I've even received emails from one or two of my lecturers from STM in the last two days. LKY gave me a book to read whilst I am overseas- which I'm really looking forward to dig into. Uncle Lawrence also SMS-ed me to check if I was doing ok overall. My dad came down unexpectedly from Camerons and bought me my early birthday cake (he bought strawberry cheesecake from La Manilla. Joshua really loved it. It was really funny to watch his reaction) - since I'll be celebrating my birthday this year in Egypt.The only thing that marred the celebration was the absence of my sister. I wished she was around. My prayer partners has also been constantly checking on me via SMS to ask me how I'm doing in the past week. Chin Ying also sent me the birthday book that they all compiled.

I am very overwhelmed. I feel so blessed. There has been so many moments throughout the day when I have just felt like crying with gratitude (I can imagine LKY and EJ saying that I'm so 'emo' when they read this. hehehe). I am so thankful to God -especially in light of all that has been happening in the last month. He has indeed been my comfort, hope, strength and refuge. I recall the many arguments and struggles with Him in the last few weeks - the doubts, fears and tears. I'm so humbled by His faithfulness and the love everyone has shown. My heart cannot help but keep on saying 'Thank You God. You are so great and awesome!'

Only In The Dark- Juwita Suwito

Never quite understood this song until recently... Pity there's no youtube version..

The raindrops fall incessantly
Each I think the sky's letting up
There seems to be another cloud
Bringing the dark
Coming right at me

So often I can't see the road ahead
The blinding headlights loom then go out again
But suddenly I find that I don't need to strife
'Cause I realize I am rising, I'm flying....

CHORUS
Only in the dark when I can't seem to see
I learn to hear Your whisper that's been guiding me
Reach out for the hand that bears the light
So my step is right
Only in the dark

Now each day's a step that's lighted up
And the questions asked won't make me stop
'Cause I know no matter how I feel
That this is real
And I'm slowly getting to a place
Where it's not only in the dark...

BRIDGE
So let the shadows come
And let me run into Your arms where
I can feel the warmth of Your touch - unmistakable
Leading me on, loving me on, turning me on
Though now it seems to be that...

Psalm 16

Aunty Lai Sheong read this passage today to me. It really spoke to me and encouraged me as I prepare to leave.

A miktam of David.

1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood

or take up their names on my lips.
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Thank You God for Your words of life and comfort. Thank You for hope.

Cowper's Grave- By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I.
It is a place where poets crowned may feel the heart's decaying;
It is a place where happy saints may weep amid their praying;
Yet let the grief and humbleness as low as silence languish:
Earth surely now may give her calm to whom she gave her anguish.

II.
O poets, from a maniac's tongue was poured the deathless singing!
O Christians, at your cross of hope a hopeless hand was clinging!
O men, this man in brotherhood your weary paths beguiling,
Groaned inly while he taught you peace, and died while ye were smiling!

III.
And now, what time ye all may read through dimming tears his story,
How discord on the music fell and darkness on the glory,
And how when, one by one, sweet sounds and wandering lights departed,
He wore no less a loving face because so broken-hearted,

IV.
He shall be strong to sanctify the poet's high vocation,
And bow the meekest Christian down in meeker adoration;
Nor ever shall he be, in praise, by wise or good forsaken,
Named softly as the household name of one whom God hath taken.

V.
With quiet sadness and no gloom I learn to think upon him,
With meekness that is gratefulness to God whose heaven hath won him,
Who suffered once the madness-cloud to His own love to blind him,
But gently led the blind along where breath and bird could find him;

VI.
And wrought within his shattered brain such quick poetic senses
As hills have language for, and stars, harmonious influences:
The pulse of dew upon the grass kept his within its number,
And silent shadows from the trees refreshed him like a slumber.

VII.
Wild timid hares were drawn from woods to share his home-caresses,
Uplooking to his human eyes with sylvan tendernesses:
The very world, by God's constraint, from falsehood's ways removing,
Its women and its men became, beside him, true and loving.

VIII.
And though, in blindness, he remained unconscious of that guiding,
And things provided came without the sweet sense of providing,
He testified this solemn truth, while phrenzy desolated,
—Nor man nor nature satisfies whom only God created.

IX.
Like a sick child that knoweth not his mother while she blesses
And drops upon his burning brow the coolness of her kisses,
— That turns his fevered eyes around—
“My mother! where's my mother?”—
As if such tender words and deeds could come from any other!—

X.
The fever gone, with leaps of heart he sees her bending o'er him,
Her face all pale from watchful love, the unweary love she bore him!
Thus woke the poet from the dream his life's long fever gave him,
Beneath those deep pathetic Eyes which closed in death to save him.

XI.
Thus? oh, not thus! no type of earth can image that awaking,
Wherein he scarcely heard the chant of seraphs, round him breaking,
Or felt the new immortal throb of soul from body parted,
But felt those eyes alone, and knew—“My Saviour! not deserted!”

XII.
Deserted! Who hath dreamt that when the cross in darkness rested,
Upon the Victim's hidden face no love was manifested?
What frantic hands outstretched have e'er the atoning drops averted?
What tears have washed them from the soul, that one should be deserted?

XIII.
Deserted! God could separate from His own essence rather;
And Adam's sins have swept between the righteous Son and Father:
Yea, once, Immanuel's orphaned cry His universe hath shaken
— It went up single, echoless, “My God, I am forsaken!”

XIV.
It went up from the Holy's lips amid His lost creation,
That, of the lost, no son should use those words of desolation!
That earth's worst phrenzies, marring hope, should mar not hope's fruition,
And I, on Cowper's grave, should see his rapture in a vision.

Trip Preparations

The next few days will be rather crazy settling all the stuff for the upcoming trip. I attended orientation today and was given some food for thought. I realise that I have been just rather preoccupied with stuff that I've not been able to give much thought to the trip. There seems to be so much to do - the only thing that has been settled is my airplane ticket and orientation. *sigh* All the other things on my list are yet to be completed and there's still the issue of finance - which I'm continually trusting the Lord for.

I must say that the orientation today helped a lot and I'm thankful for Aunty Gim who was very supportive and understanding. I'm thankful that my future team mates has been praying for me. Elaine (one of my favourite OM people), gave me some of her Egyptian pounds and I was really touched by her unexpected generous gesture.

I was also rather thankful that Lai Kit came over to pray for me on Sunday when she came over to my house. Sometimes it feels like a lonely endeavour - going for this trip. However, when she prayed for me, I felt really supported. The ppl in church has also been rather wonderful-some of them gave generously and there were one or two unexpected ones as well (which was a rather lovely surprise). I've also been quite moved by the fact that ppl like Tim has volunteered to come see me off at the airport. Josh also said that he wanted to send me off as well (though he doesn't have to)- instead of going to JB. All these have really help to uplift my spirits.

Thank You Lord for rest, for friends, for your guidance, for journeying with me. Thank You for everything.

Being Home..

It's just really REALLY good to be home.

I'm appreciative of the fact that I can actually sleep - was rather worn out by the lack of sleep the previous week that I forgot to attend TeenStreet Reunion yesterday afternoon. :p

The last three days of semester was just rather filled up. I was really busy running around helping out with the commissioning service, graduation dinner and graduation service. On top of that, there was the packing and saying good byes to those who are graduating for this year.

Some of the highlights during the last few days of semester.
1. Seeing Mr Allen again!! He's my favouritest lecturer in STM!!
2. Collaborating with Lee Yng to write a song entitled 'The Journey'
3. Finished watching all 16 episodes of 'Kim San Soon'
4. Finished reading two rather interesting books lent by Rabbi
5. Last prayer meet and breakfast with the girls. I really miss them already.

The thing I miss most about STM is the close community life - I miss meeting STM people. I also realised that in the next two months, I won't be hearing much mandarin. Just realised how I'm so used to it that it's a bit weird to only hear English being spoken everyday. :)

That being said, in view of everything, I'm really really REALLY glad to be home. The rest has helped uplift my spirits somewhat.

On Forwarded Emails :P

Every once in a while, you get emails from ppl that seems to love forwarding mails. Sure, they might think that it's good cos they want to 'spread the good news' - and there are really good stuff sometimes.. However, there is always that one or two person that CONSTANTLY forwards you stuff that you can definitely live without.

I was complaining about this to my friend, 'the budding nt scholar' and he did a rather hilarious 'mirror reading' on one of my friend who sends me these emails.

1. he is trying to tell you that he cares....so he tries to keep in touch but does not know how...except by forwarding mails
2. he is trying to tell you he is in touch with the pop culture
3. he is trying to tell you that you are honoured to be in his list of contacts
4. he is trying to tell you that you are worthy to be forwarded some of the "best" reflections.
5. he has recently converted to become a spammer...that is irritating!

Ramblings

Thought I better blog a less 'emo' post - since I'm in a somewhat better frame of mind today. Have been 'on the go' since I woke up at 10pm this morning (after 4 hours of sleep). Tried to sleep during the afternoon - but I could only get 10 mins nap after tossing and turning. Hate that. Getting worried about my not being able to sleep. Used to be able to sleep like a log no matter what. *sigh* Hope I don't have this problem when I get home.

Have been working hard at writing a song with Lee Yng for the graduating service. Ps Wah Lok is right. Songwriting is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. The song's almost completed - but somehow, still not yet there. It's rather frustrating I tell you - and we have to get it done by tomorrow nite! *faint* We haven't even talked about musical arrangement - worse come to worse, we'll have to do an unplugged version.

Other than that, there have been practices for commissioning service, graduation service and tonite's gathering for graduating students. In addition, helped to check Lucy's minutes, went for gotong-royong and helped to prepare for the gathering for the graduating students earlier tonite. The gathering went rather well. Lan Yin did a fantastic job. We were pleasantly surprised that some of the lecturers made it - Mr Chew, Rev Tan, Deaconess and Ms Ho. It was great having them around. They even sportingly played games with us. :D

After the gathering, we had our final graduation dinner committee meeting to fine tune the details for tomorrow nite. Now I have to finish working on the song and finish my church work. NEED SLEEP. Will have a long day tomorrow.

The day will start at 7.30 for breakfast with the girls followed by our last prayer meeting for the year. It will be our last one with Pauline. :( After that will have to finish preparations for the worship tomorrow nite, go through the song, have final practice for the commissioning service, go for lunch, do my duty, pack my room in between, go and help the girls decorate the dinner place at 3pm, worship practice at 5pm. Dinner starts at 7pm.... It's going to be a LONG day tomorrow. God, I really need you to help me survive again tomorrow. SERIOUSLY.

A Prayer...

I want to be anywhere but here. I really want to go home. I need to get away from here.

It feels as if the walls are closing in and I'm slowly suffocating.. God, I'm really counting on You to see me through the next few days till I get home.

Do you remember that time during my Melbourne days? How I would just go out, hop on a tram and go down to St Kilda's whenever I felt like this? I would just go to the pier and sit and watch the rolling waves - even during winter and just talked to You. It's funny, but in the midst of my turmoil, I somehow felt closer to You and comforted by You there. I remember thinking that if You could create the vastness of the ocean and the strong wind and waves, my problems would not be so big to You as they were to me. I long for such times now. During those moments with You, my troubled soul would find temporal relief and peace.

Such peace that I seek seems to elude me. Being with friends have helped a bit - for a little while, the sorrow fades and the burden is shared. However, I know they have their work to do and their own burdens to carry without adding mine to it. I go back to this room and I feel alone and suffocated. In my head, I know that You're here. But I feel that You're so far away. I seek ways to distract me - but the moment I'm done with them, it all comes back.

Tell me, isn't there supposed to be peace and joy in Your presence? Why then do I feel the pain deep within? Why do I feel fear? Why issit that there is such sorrow that the tears are never far away? Why issit that I'm so angry? Why do I keep on worrying?

I have so many questions - that I'm not sure that I can or even want to find the answers. How is it that what started well has come to this? Why has it come to this? Why do You allow it to be so? I am tormented by Your silence. I'm not in Melbourne and I can't go to St Kilda's. Tell me, how can I find You? I want to be anywhere but here. For as I seek You, I can't seem to find You - and I really need You right now.

Will I regret it?

For the first time in my life, I punched a friend because I was so angry with him. Maybe it's just the frame of mind that I was in. I just didn't figure that he'd be so stupid. I was so angry that I had an athsma attack(more like - I couldn't stop coughing) and I just couldn't breathe- I had to go back to my room and use the inhaler. I told him that I'll talk to him when I was able. The idiot (now understandably) yelled back at me and we both stormed off.

After punching him, I felt partially awful and partially glad that I did it. I felt awful because on hindsight, I shouldn't have done it no matter how angry I was. I felt glad at the same time-because he then knew that I was really angry with him and meant business. I felt so sick at the thought of being nice and acting like he did nothing wrong. I suppose that I'm going to have to apologise for punching him sooner or later.. *sigh*

I keep on wondering how a friendship that started well can end up like this. I know wounds from friends go deeper than those that you don't know.

I keep on wondering - God, when is all this rubbish going to end?

Better to feel than to kill...

"It's better to feel than to kill feelings - otherwise you're like a dead man walking." My pastor told me this earlier today. At that point I understood what he meant and I still do. However, for one in great pain there's nothing better than to feel nothing - even for a little while. I can understand how pain drives people to take drugs or to find other forms of relief. When one's in great pain, one would rather be numb.

As a follower of Christ, I am *trying* to work out what it means to 'take refuge in God'. Nothing seems to help - prayer, reading the Bible, reading books. Nothing. Not even my beloved music which I generally take great pleasure in - if anything, the pain seems to be magnified. It's a horrible place to be in. Am so tempted to take 'pain killers' - anything to be oblivious. There are times when I wish I didn't 'feel' so much. It's a blessing and a curse. Right now, it's a curse.

That being said, I am grateful for friends who make me laugh. Even though it may be over nonsense. I told one friend that his nonsense was weirdly comforting. It really is. When one is in pain, laughter is precious. You never appreciate how much so until you're in this place. While I have my friends around, the temptation to do anything stupid to cope with the pain lessens somewhat. It's during these times that I get a glimpse that God still cares somehow. Though I can't seem to find my way to Him, it's as if He comes to me. In those times, I think - pastor is not too wrong - perhaps it is better to feel than to kill those feelings...

Blessed Be Your Name...

Worship led this morning, and it was one of the toughest time for me personally thus far.. Technically, it went ok. A lot of church members told me that they found the time of worship singing really good. However, there were moments where I just really wanted to be on my knees and break down and cry. I was really really thankful for my team - they were really supportive and came at 6 something in the morning for the practice. They were aware that I was really sick earlier in the week - and that my voice could potentially give way at any time (due to recovery from the flu). They were not aware how hard I've been finding the last week and how much of a toll it took on me - aunty Suet Ling looked really worried when I shared with her during the prayer time(she already was telling me that she felt that the forces of evil were working full time. *sigh . My telling her how i was seemed to be a confirmation. :p).

It was rather frustrating during the first hour - the stage crew was not around and it really just dragged the practice. I wish that I was informed that the guy was not coming - I could've made some arrangements for him to come earlier. It did not help my already fragile state. I shudder to think what would've happened if I'd broken down. I was already pretty close to it.

We started the practice with the slower songs. With all that's been going on in the past week, I'd honestly forgotten which songs that I've chosen. It was a challenge to sing "Blessed be Your Name" but at the same time it was a good reminder. I did not want to be a hypocrite when I led the song and had to come to a point where I told God that I really wanted to Bless His Name no matter the circumstance. The rest of the slow songs really ministered to me. It was really weird-I was leading the worship, and yet it ministered heaps to me.

I struggled with the fast song - My Redeemer lives. Especially the bit about believing that my pain was healed in His name. I still struggle with it right now. I wonder if it's true. I guess I won't be singing the song for a while till I figure it out.

On the overall, I really really learn to say - 'Blessed Be Your Name' once again. I just praise God that He really sustained my team and I through the worship singing session this morning. I am seriously more grateful than words can describe.

Psalm 86

This passage comforted me somewhat this morning while I was reading it..

Psalm 86
A prayer of David.

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me,

for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.

You are my God;

save your servant who trusts in you.
3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,

for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant,

for to you, O Lord,

I lift up my soul.
5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,

abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

listen to my cry for mercy.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you,

for you will answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;

no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made

will come and worship before you, O Lord;

they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;

you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Fears...

There are times when certain fears tend to overwhelm and hold us very strongly in its grip. When it happens, it's really scary. You struggle and struggle till you're tired. You struggle and struggle until you're just worn out. The worst thing is when it still holds on to you.

A friend of mine was telling me the other day about how she was afraid of going to see the doctor. She's afraid of what he might say -that she's gotten worst. She's afraid to the point where she just gives in and gives up caring about her health. She's just tired of caring, tired of fighting. I really identify with her right now.

I'm afraid.

I'm terrified, scared, petrified - to the point of giving in and giving up. A part of me tells me to fight some more but I can't anymore... If pushed any further, I feel as if I'd break into a million pieces....

In this struggle, I ask - where is God in all this? He feels so far away... A part of me knows that He's there, just very far away. Another voice is saying that He doesn't care - if He did, perhaps I'd be more strong to fight this. Isn't His strength is made perfect when I am weak? I don't see that right now. I'm just afraid... God, I just give up-I don't know how to go on right now.. Please help me..

The Battle..

Her energy was low.. waning... No more... no more... She could not push on any longer..
The voices in her head also told her so.. It was all her fault - every single bit of it... You don't deserve it... Look at what you did to those you love... Look at what you did to your friends... It's because of you that they are hurt, that they are sick... It's all your fault...

Since when did you deserve to win this battle??? You are already too broken - too sick.. You are sick cos of your own foolishness... You're already a burden to the others.. Don't bother fighting any more.. Just give in - you don't deserve grace. You don't deserve mercy..

No, no... It's not true... He's shown me grace. He's forgiven me - they've forgiven me... She weakly argued.. You're wrong... You're wrong..

Really?? Even if they've forgiven you.. You know you are going to lose this battle anyways. Look at the havoc you've wreaked - the wrongs that you have done. You deserve to lose for that... You deserve every hurt, every pain that is inflicted on you.. Just give up... just give up... You barely have any strength left anyways... Just give up...

Her strength gave in... She lay there.. awaiting for the blow to fall upon her... After all, she desesrved it.. didn't she?? The voices in her head were right all along.. Don't show me grace... Don't defend me.. Just don't...

Right Brain or Left Brain???

My friend told me about this - which I find to be really fascinating!

The Right Brain vs Left Brain test...

Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise?
If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa. Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

Incidentally - I'm apparently a right brainer. I keep on staring at the thing and for the life of me I can't see it turning turning anti-clockwise. I tell you, it keeps on turning clockwise !!!

It is finished!!!!

AM done! Am DONE! AM DONE!

Finished my last church history exam ever this morning.. I think I should've done ok for that.

Finished my last assignment for the semester... *sigh* I'm going to have to study very VERY hard for the test..

Now going out to hang out with my girlfriends -need to get rid of stress.. Have not been sleeping well the last two nites even though sick. Didn't even take my medication this afternoon - afraid of falling asleep.... Looking forward to a good time with friends and getting some good rest tonite... before everything piles up again... *sigh*

One step at a time

There are some days that you wake and up and wish that you didn't have to go through the day. Today is one of those days for me. *sigh*

On top of all the work that needs to be done, I got shelling from a friend. Am also feeling crappier as the day progress. The worst thing is, my stomach can't decide if it wants food. One look at the stuff I have to eat, I just feel like throwing up. However, when I don't eat, I get hungry. :p

Am really looking forward to tomorrow at 5pm. I'm looking forward to some quality time with my girlfriends - am beginning to feel like a prisoner with minimal communication in the last few days. In the meantime, between now and then, it's just one of those days where you just put one step in front of you at a time-because you know that if you look up and see how much you have got left to go, you'll just really chicken out or just give up.

Pain-in-the-butt Doctor

Today, I visited the doc's. My last visit was two years ago - when I went to do medical check up for STM. After today's visit, I think I can very well go for another two years without seeing another one.. The long and short of it is the doctor was a super BIG PAIN in the butt. There's just no other way to describe it. It's just bad enough when one's feeling crappy - but it's another thing when the doctor asks you all these sarcastic questions and make snippy comments. When he went out of the room, I asked Lee Yng if it was ok to taruh him balik. Seriously - he was absolutely exasperating to the max. Hahaha - it's no wonder why my blood pressure is a bit on the high side. Already have stress with Isaiah assignment, stress with getting sick and now stress with an idiotical doctor. Lee Yng said that the doctor I had must be the one that Lucy calls 'sombong'. I later found out that Lan Yin went to him before and she also cannot tahan him. :P

The only good thing is that he gave me an inhaler for free. I also learnt why cough medicine tends to aggravate my cough instead of helping it most of the time.

The irony is- I now not only have to recuperate from my sickness, but also from my visit to the doctor. :p

Penang trip - Food Glorious Food and others...

These are the photos of Penang(that my sis and I took) of our stay there... Definitely lots of food photos!!

Trip to Penang - wedding dinner

On Saturday evening, attended Faye and Sze Whye's wedding dinner at E&O Hotel (I cannot believe that they have 4 wedding dinners to organise - one in Singapore, one in Penang, one in Ipoh and the final one in Shanghai). Am so glad for them, they are one of the loveliest couple I know. I was seated at the Melbourne Uni OCF-ers table (which just had to be most rambunctious table in the room). It was good fun to meet up with everyone again. There was free flow of red wine - which my friend Chris(pic on the left below) took advantage of (he found every excuse he could think of to give a toast-and coerce people to drink with him). Though he said he found the wine a bit sweet, I personally liked it.

I was telling my friend Lee Yng, being with them enabled me a glimpse of another world.

Let me explain more - I met Daniel Wan after 5-6 years of incommunicado. He's now working in HP, Penang. Am glad that he's doing great- he struggled a fair bit when he got back from Melbourne. Chris Quek, who tells me that he's constantly pictured in Malaysian newspapers for AcmaBooks is one of its CEO. Am particularly fond of him - he the kind of guy that shares EVERYTHING (and I mean everything! He told me about how much he gave the bride and groom and the reason for giving the amount, He also told me about what his mother has saved up for his future bride, he told me about his girlfriend and stuff, etc.. - you get the pic ) and he tries to call whenever he's in town. I always remember him for his amusing stories (He even told a story of a pastor who he says preached a 'porn sermon' at his friends wedding - those interested to know the details can come and ask me). Being the most senior on the table, we were constantly ragging him about getting married to which he says - in two June's time. Am looking forward to that day. *grin* Charlene (my former follow uppee) and Marcus married about a year ago and Marcus is heading his dad's construction company - which is now opening another branch in JB. They are quite down to earth ppl and as I constantly tell people, Marcus was one of the best cell group leaders I know. Sophia Goh was there, and she's a writer at a magazine here and Singapore.

Like I said, their world seems so different from mine - so VERY DIFFERENT - I wonder how my seminary learnings will be relevant in ministering to people like them or prepare me adequately in keeping up with them (I guess the onus will have to be on me).